Dear Anita

The first time I received a binder from my college friend at community college, they yelled at me and said that I was wasting my time with a chest binder. They said that dressing as a guy and wearing a chest binder didn’t qualify me as masculine and I was just going through a phase. They threw my first chest binder out and tried to make me wear sports bras saying they were the same thing. It made me feel really sad and I talked with the friend who gave me the binder because I felt sad about it and she was supportive about it and got me another chest binder which I hid from my parents. I mostly keep my therapy appointment notes and transgender resources in my backpack which I carry around with me to keep it safe. I recently had a transgender flag (pink, white and blue) that I used as a bookmark for a book and they threw it out. They still don’t understand chest binders currently but they have been helping me wash them when I am busy with school work. After I had an intense argument with them, they decided to just ignore it and treat it as an article of clothing. I don’t think that they want to acknowledge that it is a chest binder or that I got it from my LGBTQ friends, they just act like its a piece of clothing. Sometimes after washing it, they will put it deep down in a drawer and I think that they want me to forget about it but I don’t so I go looking for it. Having the chest binder on makes me feel a bit better rather than not having one on. I don’t think that they are very accepting of my gender identity or the issue of me dealing with mental health. When I was anorexic due to trying to control how my body looked like I reached the point where my hands were purple and stiff and I was constantly wanting to workout and skip meals and they didn’t really do much. They yelled at me saying that I was being irresponsible and causing this on myself that if I could just focus on the good things or had more things to do than my mind wouldn’t be that way.

Dear Anita

It is difficult when my parents were born in the 1960s and their traditional Asian culture didn’t acknowledge LGBTQ people, so they likely adopted the values of their culture. Same-sex marriage was just legalized in 1997 in Beijing (wikipedia) and LGBTQ people still have struggles in China. Although LGBTQ people have been around and documented since the Qing Dynasty (around 1644 and the first written record of the beginning of the Chinese empire), the LGBTQ community has been largely ignored by Chinese officials and many of them face persecution so they didn’t come out to anyone and it was largely hidden. According to wikipedia, the current Chinese president Xi Jinping isn’t really for the LGBTQ community either and although currently the situation has become better with more people tolerating LGBTQ people, Beijing is making progress but there is still a lot of opposition. I think that I read in an online article that the LGB community is gaining ground in acceptance because Beijing created the LGBTQ center around 2003. LGB people  are likely to be more readily accepted by people because lesbian, gay and bisexual deals with sexual attraction and people seem okay with the fact that people can be attracted to different people, but when it comes to gender people are more reluctant to realize that there are genders outside the binary of male and female because it seems like such a large concept.

Even though the LGB people  are gaining ground in China because of the new LGBTQ center in Beijing, there are still struggles and the transgender community has the most struggle since they are still largely opressed because many Asian cultures are Confucius which talks about family relationships and the higher status of the male so transgender people are looked down upon because they feel as if they don’t fit into a specific role for them.

One of my posts contained links so it might not have uploaded because I think that if a person adds links to their posts for reference, they need to be approved before it can be posted. So I decided to do that post in plaintext instead.
Before I explained my gender identity to my parents, I looked into any barriers that I might come across when I explained it to them and the main one was culture because they are deeply rooted in their Asian culture, so I researched the LGBTQ people in Asian culture especially transgender people to see how they were perceived to prepare myself.

I did some research on transgender people in China and discovered that most Asian societies have intense transphobia. There aren’t that many openly transgender people in Asian societies and 43% of people believe transgender people have a mental illness. In theater and performing arts history,  men often played the parts of women because women weren’t allowed to act on stage before 1978. There are many cases of actors cross-dressing when performing different scenes requiring different genders, but it seems like they were part of a performance rather than actually being transgender. The Beijing LGBT center created in 1990 (rennovated in 2003) combats discrimination against LGBT people and is the most recent advancement in equality. The internet became accessible to Beijing in 1998 and has helped LGBT people share their stories and connect with others. Also in 2016, a UN report listed only 15% of transgender people in China have come out to their families. But there is an estimate of 4 million people in China who are transgender. Some people also struggle with understanding the difference between gender, birth sex and sexual orientation and it is hard to explain to them. According to an article published by Chloe Sargeant on the results of a survey done by transgender people being accepted from Beijing LGBT Center says 90% transgender people’s families couldn’t accept who they are. Many others said that financial barriers kept them from seeking hormones or getting surgery, only 6% of people said they could access hormone therapy in China.

Wikipedia source

thediplomat.com source

China’s First Report on Trans and Gender Diverse People Paits a Heartbreaking Picture_ Chloe Sargeant online article

• This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Janus.

Dear Anita

I have a gender therapist appointment at 12pm today and hoping that it goes well. I don’t think that my parents acknowledge how severe the anxiety gets at times. They aren’t very good at being supportive of me emotionally. Whenever I feel really upset in life and I try to talk with them on how I feel they will interrupt me with their thoughts while I’m talking and it feels like I’m not being heard. For example, I will start telling them about something that has been bothering me and they will listen for only five minutes and then they will say “Well, if you didn’t think about the negative thoughts then maybe you would be more positive.” Or “You have nothing to be sad/anxious about because there are other people less fortunate than you.”

I know that there are people who are homeless or starving, and they feel pain but their pain is different from the emotional pain that I feel and trying to compare the pain I feel and saying that others have it worse feels like they are invalidating my feelings by saying that mine isn’t as bad as others. Although there are people who may be struggling physically in life, I feel like their pain is based on their circumstances that can change while my pain is more internal because my parents don’t acknowledge my feelings. Both pains are valid, but I think that the emotional pain is worse because the person is fighting themselves and trying to improve themselves and that’s hard whereas the external environment can change if a person gets shelter, food or clothing. And when they say that things could change for the positive if I only focus on the positive, it feels like they are just ignoring the fact that there are negative things that can cause people pain and it takes time to heal from the negativity, just thinking about positive thoughts is only a small stepping stone when you are dealing with a current of thoughts and habits that you want to change and it takes time to build the bridge.

Or if I am talking with them, they’ll yell at me things like “you can’t think that way because you don’t fit into this world. You bring this on yourself by being different.” And I find this quite straining because as a transgender guy, sometimes my dysphoria makes me feel isolated from the world because I want to be seen as a guy. But since I wasn’t born a guy, I feel like when I’m around cisgender guys (guys who are born as guys and identify as a guy), I don’t fit in. And when I’m around cisgender females (women born as women and identify as women), I don’t feel like I belong either. So their comments are quite hurtful. I find refuge in the LGBTQ community because there are others who are struggling like me. That’s one of the places I feel like I can be myself. I also enjoy tinybuddha.com because I can talk about my feelings. I just wish that the LGBTQ community lived closer to Brick, NJ but since that is a small town I don’t think there’s many groups. The closest I found was in Toms River, two towns away. I am grateful that Stockton University in Galloway,  NJ has LGBTQ support groups as well. Lately, I just feel like I would do anything to just lessen the anxiety that I feel because I feel like I’m constantly struggling just to live and keep myself focused on tasks but I will feel tired, muscle aches or just feel like I’m losing myself in a haze and watching the world pass by. Especially when I’m driving, I am aware of the roads and drive well, but I just feel like I’m not really engaged in the motions of it like I’m just an automaton and time seems to just fly by and I find myself sometimes wishing I could just leave myself behind and adopt a new body that doesn’t have anxiety and that doesn’t have gender dysphoria and then I realize that I’ve just felt like I’ve lost myself and trying to hang on at the end of the rope but it seems like the knot I tie to stay on so I don’t fall is breaking and I am falling and I don’t know what to do.

Dear Anita

I still have anxiety but it’s gotten a bit more manageable as I work on connecting to resources. I have an appointment with a gender therapist this upcoming Thursday March 12th. I also have a study group that is at 9am-11am on Wednesday 3/11 to help me work on building better study habits. Unfortunately I had to withdraw from Organic Chemistry because there was so much that I was working on that I couldn’t focus on the work. I likely won’t be able to access the counseling center, nutritionist or psychiatrist at Stockton since I am no longer currently enrolled in classes. I will still be able to partake in the support groups on campus though like the meditation group, anxiety group and the Transcendence group for transgender people because I am still a student and can go to the groups, but since I’m not in any classes I can’t have the other resources. I think that not being in classes will help me have time to work on my mental health because I will be able to spend time looking at resources. I can still spend time in the LGBTQ safe space on campus and go to the tutoring center at times to help me prepare for the fall 2020 semester. I did well in the fall 2019 semester with my classes, but this spring semester there was a lot of stresses and I was falling behind. At first, I was doing okay in my classes then I had to work on some car repairs since my car is my main transportation to campus and I started to fall behind in classes. I reached out to the professors and spent time in the tutoring center and was able to catch up. Then one of my LGBTQ friends attempted suicide and I was struggling so I reached out to the CARE program at Stockton which helped students struggling with mental health and the CARE program helped let my professors know that I was struggling. I also reached out to my mentor in Student Success Services to help me work on keeping up with the school work while also working with the CARE program on mental health. I managed to work through some things but there was still stresses. I decided to withdraw from genetics to give me more time to focus on Organic Chemistry and have a looser schedule and it worked for a while. However, as I was working on catching up, the tension between my parents and me got really intense and there were times when they were yelling at me a lot for the little things and I was feeling quite strained. I just felt like there was so much pressure this semester so that I decided to withdraw from all my classes. I think that I will spend the time talking with my advisors, working with the tutoring center, going to support groups and preparing for the fall 2020 semester. I don’t think that this spring semester was the best semester and I think that it’s time to work on building myself up for the fall 2020 semester. Hoping for advice, thank you.

Dear Anita

I have an appointment scheduled with an adviser at Stockton on Monday 3/16 and another one on Wednesday 3/18. I am hoping to talk with them about my struggles in the lab research and wondering if there are any advice that they have. I had my appointment with my gender therapist today and she was very compassionate and it made me feel better talking about things with her. She listened to me describing the anxiety and gender dysphoria as well as working with the Tutoring center on campus to work on school work. I found it helpful to talk about what anxiety and gender dysphoria felt like instead of holding onto it. I also mentioned that I journal on tinybuddha and I showed her some of the posts to help her understand that my parents weren’t accepting of it and what the struggles with gender dysphoria felt like. I have another appointment scheduled with the gender therapist on March 18th later in the day because my advising appointment is earlier. I’m hoping to work on reducing the anxiety and I have been using the LGBTQ safe space on campus and made some friends there. I might visit the career center on campus to work on talking about career options. I really like working with mental health but I’m not sure that I want to be a counselor. I like to learn about the brain and how it works and I really hope to help other transgender people who are struggling in life with their mental health. There was an LGBTQ mixer today at 4:30 pm on campus that I wanted to attend but I was working with my gender therapist and had some organization for my notes. I am thinking of emailing the LGBTQ coordinator on campus to see if there will be another one because it would be helpful since the LGBTQ mixer connects people to the LGBTQ community and also provides ideas of where to look for job or internship opportunities. Thank you so much for your advice Anita. I don’t know if I’ll change my major this late since I’m a junior and most of my classes are geared towards Biochemistry. Maybe I could ask the advisors when I talk with them on ideas. I feel like I’m connected to a lot of resources and that’s good, but I still have to tread lightly because of my parents disapproval. My main goal is to lessen the anxiety so that I can focus on things, I don’t think there are options to live away from my parents yet but I can spend time looking for support groups and spend more time getting connected so that I’m not feeling isolated when the school breaks come. The school breaks for winter break (December 21st-January 14th) and summer break (May 16th-September 3rd) can be stressful because I’m around my parents a lot. I have some self-help books that I have borrowed from the LGBTQ space on campus to read and they are helpful. The only resource I have during the breaks from school is online resources and some books I have. It’s hard for me to get connected to people in person when I’m not in school because I’m always around my parents who don’t think I need to go out places because it will waste gas so I’m limited to only online which can be isolating at times. I am working on learning reiki healing to help me with the stresses in life and I find that it helps, the meditation group on campus is helping me establish a meditation practice so that I can integrate reiki healing with it. I’m hoping that it abates some of the anxiety so I don’t slip into intense dysphoria and an eating disorder because I’m still healing from that. Have a great week Anita!