Dear Milda: I am sorry that I ran out of time today, but I will get back to you Sat morning (it’s Fri afternoon here). Take care!

Dear Milda:

I finally have the time to read and reply to your recent post attentively. I’ll be typing whatever comes to mind as I respond to what you wrote:

“I can’t stop thinking about the elephant story. Something very fundamental is keeping me stuck in this rope. I think the belief engraved in childhood that I am worthy and lovable only if I constantly give to others is one of those.”-

So, the Rope is the Constantly Giving to other people (a behavior) as a way to feel worthy and lovable.

“The real truth is that everyone is responsible for their life, problem solving, emotions, but in me, this is 180 degrees different- it’s that I am responsible for this.”-

The Rope is also the Untrue Core Belief that you are responsible for what you are not responsible for. It’s a core belief that fuels the constant giving behavior.

“These fundamental programs installed in me keep me stuck. I try to change them by reading books, talking to a therapist, giving myself space and time. None of this helps. I’m still stuck in this rope and the old programs won’t let me get out of it… I just do not know what else I should try, in order to be scared, be guilty, but still do the work of change.”-

There is an issue of brain-body chemistry. Neurotransmitters as well as hormones are in the habit of being released following certain triggers, in certain amounts/ combinations, producing the scared, guilty feelings, as well as maintaining the core belief and fueling behaviors.

The Rope is also the current and long-term Brain Body Chemistry.

Reading books (or reading tis very post0, talking to a therapist, etc. don’t change brain chemistry.

I am now going back to the beginning of your thread..

On Oct 27, 2023, you shared: “I was text messaging with my mother… she replied:… I physically felt a stress reaction: my heart was racing, head spinning, felt nervous, scared and had an immediate thoughts of ‘I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING, I HAVE TO SOLVE IT, HOW CAN I COMFORT MY MOTHER, HOW TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM FOR HER”-

If I understand correctly, you perceived something dangerous in her reply, a threat to her safety, or to yours=> your brain sent a signal to the adrenal glands (located on top of the kidneys) to produce the hormone Adrenaline which flooded your system so to sharpen your focus and prepare for action. Cortisol, the stress hormone, was also produced and released by the same glands.

I read (Copilot) that “Cortisol heightens vigilance, narrows attention, and can reinforce habitual thought loops—especially around responsibility and problem-solving.”- Cortisol.. The Rope?

Oxytocin, another hormone, this one produced in the brain, is attachment-related, it’s responsible for the impulse to comfort your mother, “Oxytocin can amplify the drive to soothe others—especially caregivers—when they’re distressed.” Dopamine, primarily a neurotransmitter that’s produced in the brain, is responsible for “seeking relief through action” (solving other people’s problems).

Copilot: “Brain chemistry plays a central role in shaping our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors… But here’s the liberating truth: neuroplasticity is real. The brain can rewire itself—even in adulthood. It’s not easy, but it’s possible. Here’s how someone can succeed even when old chemistry resists:

1. Repetition rewires- Habits are built through repeated neural firing. To change them, you need consistent, intentional practice—even if it feels unnatural at first.

Example: Replacing a self-critical thought with a compassionate one, daily, begins to shift the default pathway.

2. Somatic and emotional regulation- Practices like breathwork, movement, EMDR, or somatic experiencing help discharge stored emotional energy and calm the nervous system… Somatic Experiencing (SE) is a body-based therapeutic approach designed to help people release trauma and regulate their nervous system—without needing to relive or retell the traumatic event in detail.

Developed by Dr. Peter Levine, SE is grounded in the idea that trauma isn’t just stored in the mind—it’s held in the body…Instead of focusing on the story, SE guides people to notice physical sensations (tightness, heat, trembling, numbness).
These sensations are clues to where the body is holding stress or trauma… It’s a way of saying: ‘Your body remembers. Let’s help it feel safe again.’

3. Relational safety- Healing in connection—whether through therapy, community, or attuned relationships—can reshape attachment patterns and soothe hypervigilant circuits.

Feeling seen and safe helps the brain learn: “I’m not in danger anymore.”…

6. Sometimes, biochemical support helps- For some, medication or nutritional support can rebalance neurotransmitters, making change more accessible….

So yes, the chemistry is real. But it’s not destiny. The brain is a living system, shaped by experience, intention, and relationship. And when someone commits to change with clarity and support, even the most stubborn loops can soften.”

End of quote.

What do you think, Milda? Personally, I need to get into the SE practice mentioned above..

🌿 🤍 Anita

Dear Milda:

You are very welcome, and thank you for your appreciation and kindness ❤️

As I was reading the second paragraph of your post right above, the image of a child touching a hot stove for the first time came to my mind. Developing the image: the kid didn’t know how it would feel to touch a hot stove until she touched it. She never thought about it, didn’t consider it. She touches it. Consequence: the alarming, painful sensation of burning. She moves her hand ASAP away from the stove. From then on, she remembers and doesn’t touch a stove until she makes sure it’s not hot.

Similarly, in the beginning, you didn’t know that saying “no” was.. like touching a hot stove, didn’t even cross your mind, so you said “no”. Consequence: the alarming, painful sensation of guilt and shame. (“when I had situations where I said ‘no’ and my parents guilt tripped me for that, said something shameful, insulting”)

From then on, you remember. You don’t say “no”, and you want to make sure the stove is not hot/ you make sure they’re not angry with you (“a signal: do something so they are not angry with you”).

The touching a hot stove story makes sense. It really is, objectively, dangerous to touch a hot stove and keep the hand there.
On the other hand, it is healthy and helpful to say “no” and set boundaries. But alas! The kid is punished for healthy behaviors, and the result: doing what’s healthy feels dangerous.

What to do?

Maybe understand more, for one, how wrong it is for a parent to guilt trip and shame a child for something healthy. A post ago, you wrote: “I do not blame anyone”. For the purpose of healing, it might be helpful to assign blame where it clearly belongs.

Anger is a natural response to being wronged (guilt-tripped, shamed and insulted for healthy behaviors). Anger may give you the strength, or courage to reclaim your human right to say “no” and set healthy boundaries.

Not Anger Forever. Not explosive, or abusive anger. Just enough of it to counter the fear (“To start feeling scared and still act in a new healthy way.”), and to give the “bad” that they threw at you back to them (“I believe this is the biggest issue- that I feel scared, I feel a bad daughter (by my parents terms)”)

For the longest time, I had this core belief, set so early on by being repeatedly guilt-tripped, shamed and insulted by my mother, that I was a BAD daughter. For many years I tried so hard to become a good daughter (by my mother’s terms), but never accomplished that goal.

Fast forward, I handed her the BAD (in regard to the guilt-tripping and shaming), and the result: no more bad for me to carry (in regard to having been guilt-tripped and shamed by her). The bad is for the one inflicting shame to carry, not for the victim of the infliction to carry.

What do you think, Milda?

🌿 🤍 Anita

Dear Milda:

“their one sentence gets me into guilt and old behavior…”- it took me 10+ years of no contact with my mother, more than 10 years of not hearing her voice irl.. to actually stop hearing her voice. More than a decade.

Her voice, shaming, guilt-tripping, so powerful in my psych.. a dominating, domineering voice. A cruel voice.

“their words hit me like a bullet”- I relate. Like a bullet.

I’ll write more in the morning.

Anita

* oops, wrong formatting in that one paragraph. It wasn’t supposed to be all italic.

Dear Milda,

you’re very welcome!

Yes, codependent behavior worked for me as a child, because I learned that it will keep me “safe” (now I see it as imaginary safety, because you are never truly safe, if safety is conditional and depends on how you manage parents’ emotions and struggles).

Yes, your safety and the sense of well-being depend on your parents’ feelings and emotional states/moods. And so if they feel upset, you need to do something to calm them down. Or if they feel distressed and unable to perform normal daily tasks, you jump in, so things wouldn’t fall apart.

From what I’ve seen from people in my surroundings, a lot of it is damage control, or damage prevention. And it’s hard to let go if you feel that something really bad is going to happen to Mom or Dad, and that you’ll be responsible for it (because you were conditioned your entire life to believe that you’re responsible for your parents and that you need to take care of their needs, and if you don’t, you’re a bad daughter).

This kind of conditioning is typical for narcissistic parents, and you said that your father might have narcissistic features: Father’s scepticism and narcisim is like a punch in the face

With narcissistic parents, things are much worse, because they feel entitled and they don’t really care about their child’s needs. And so this stance – that their needs come first and that you, as their child, should serve them – is very natural to them. And then they tend to shame and guilt the child for wanting to break free from that servant/caretaker role.

There is an amazing youtube channel by a psychotherapist Jerry Wise, who specializes in narcissistic parents and how we can break free from their conditioning. In a video entitled “Narcissistic parents: how they make you a highly reactive adult“, he says among other things that codependency is a fawn response (min 6:30), which is another trauma response (besides fight, flight or freeze).

So yeah, children of narcissistic parents, specially when there was addiction involved, are susceptible to becoming caretakers and codependent. It’s not just you, Milda, but many children from similar backgrounds. Luckily, there is a way out.

I’m dealing with the core, which is my parents, my programs that kept me SAFE during childhood. I start to think that there is no option to change. Because it’s like being born with brown hair and work towards the blond- yes, you can use hair dye, but your hair will keep on growing and roots will always show your real color.

I get what you’re saying. I think that so far you felt that change isn’t possible, because those trauma responses are written in your subconscious mind, in your nervous system. They’re a part of your “operating system”, so to speak. But thankfully, there are ways to reprogram that operating system, and one of the ways I believe is a program offered by Lisa Romano.

Jerry Wise also has an online course about breaking free from narcissistic parents. I don’t know if he offers somatic methods, such as reprogramming of the subconscious mind and learning new patterns. But his youtube videos are top quality, he has an amazing insight, so I would assume that he too offers a solid method to heal from those old patterns.

If I just come back to the old behavior, I would be extremelly unhappy, stressed for the rest of my life. But everyone around me will be very comfortable. I want to be happy. I really, truly want to be happy and free.

I hear you, Milda. You don’t need to keep the status quo. You don’t need to sacrifice yourself and your own happiness for your parents or anyone else. You deserve to live the life that makes you happy.

It doesn’t mean you suddenly turn your back on everyone and become selfish. It simply means that you stop abandoning yourself and your own needs, your own desires, your own goals and dreams. You have the right to be your own person, independent of the whims and demands of your parents.

I hope you feel a little less scared and alone by now. There are resources and people that can help you. There is a way out!

I am rooting for you, Milda ❤️

If you need any pointers, or would like to talk about anything at all, I’m here…

Dear Milda:

“So, she pushed the button in me by saying: ‘well we are not the center of the world, there are still ALIVE relatives.'”-

What if you answered her (in your mind, at the least): I AM ALIVE and I AM IN THE CENTER of this one world: MY OWN LIFE!

Neither you nor grandmother or any other living or dead relative deserve to be the center of my personal world!

It’s MINE, not YOURS!

I typed the above feeling angry. I mean, how dare she!

How does it feel to you, Milda.. my anger right above?

“I’m so very lost and scared. It’s devastating. 😔”- this is pain that was inflicted on you, wouldn’t be if you had parents who had mercy on you. Your pain is heartbreaking.

And it’s similar to the pain I carried with me most of my life.

You deserve healing, Milda. you deserve reclaiming center stage in your own life!

🤍🌿 Anita

Dear Milda,

I’ve just found a beautiful guided meditation for healing the inner child, by the same coach, Lisa Romano. To me, it feels very loving and grounding, while it gently reminds us of the truth of who we are.

I thought to share it with you, in case you find it useful…

The title is “Guided Healing Inner Child Meditation/ What if you knew you were enough“. It’s on Lisa Romano’s youtube channel.