Dear Milda,

Wow, insight about first developing inner boundaries before setting the external ones cought me.

Glad it was helpful. It was actually something I’ve heard in one of Jerry Wise’s videos. I really suggest you watch it too, because it talks about exactly the problem you’re facing: too much caring, and how that’s actually enabling, not true caring.

There are actually 2 videos with the topic of internal boundaries, both on Jerry Wise’s youtube channel:

“Narcissistic family: One Thing You Must Do to Set Boundaries with Them”

“Narcissistic Family: The Secret to Having Solid Boundaries with Them”

He talks about codependent caring, which is actually enabling and emotional enmeshment. It stems from compulsion (because we’re expected to do it), rather than from our free will and the goodness of our heart.

He says that codependent people care too much, and so they have to become more “selfish”, which simply means start taking care of their own needs more. For an empath, becoming more selfish is actually a move in the right direction.

Narcissistic parents will of course tell us that thinking about ourselves and our needs is selfish, but that’s not true: it’s simply self-compassion and self-care, to which we’re all entitled to.

Jerry Wise says that the cure for lack of internal boundaries is self-love. We need to start loving ourselves unconditionally – which will break the pattern of conditional love, that we’ve received from our parents.

We need to start loving ourselves even if we don’t feel like meeting our parents’ needs. We need to start telling ourselves that we’re a good person, worthy of love and respect – even if we refuse the role of the emotional caretaker and the “family empath”, which they’ve imposed on us. We need to start loving ourselves unconditionally, in order to overwrite the false family programming.

When you say:

Parents are projecting on me their decision about when I al a good daughter, when I am a bad one, which behavior is acceptable and approved, which is not.

That’s conditional love. That’s them encoding in you a false definition of what a good, lovable, worthy person is.

But those projections are all that I know. If they believe I am bad, because I did not soothe their emotional problems and did not solve their issues, how then I should find facts for myself, that in MY REALITY, I am not?

By giving yourself unconditional love. That will help you redefine that false definition of what a good, caring, loving person means.

Self-love and self-care. Those are 2 categories you’ve never received in your childhood (or beyond): neither true love, nor care. You were only “loved” when you’ve abandoned yourself. And you’ve never actually received care, except in form of physical nurturance, if I understood well.

So your inner child is starving for love and care. We can’t thrive without that. It’s like a flower without water and sunshine. You need to start giving yourself water and sunshine. You need to start giving yourself care: both for your body and your soul.

Imagine you’re in a spa. You need to start pampering yourself. What is something that makes you feel good, in which your senses enjoy? Give yourself that.

Do what feels good – not because your parents think it’s good, but because you feel it’s good and feeds your soul.

What do you say?

Dear Milda:

I will soon be away from the computer for the rest of this Friday and I’m expecting a very busy weekend away from the computer. I wanted to add to my previous post that I know- from my own in-real-life experience with my mother- how difficult it is to separate oneself from a dominating or domineering (through a pattern of shaming and guilt-tripping) mother.

Separating from my mother, redefining the definitions she drilled into me (including that of “a good mother” and “a good daughter”) took forever for me, but it can take way less time for you, and I hope it does.

My story with my mother is not identical to your story with your mother. Our mothers are not identical, and we daughters, aren’t either. This is why it’s very important that your thoughts and understanding about your story are heard above anyone else’s interpretation. Your story= your interpretation.

I am here to help you best I can- not as someone who knows better- but as a fellow traveler in the same journey: reclaiming my individual, independent voice.

You wrote 24 hours ago: “I want what’s best, most peaceful for me.”- I like it very much that you want what’s best, what’s most peaceful for you.

What has proven best and most peaceful for me is to reclaim my own voice, to interpret my own story and to no longer doubt my own interpretation 🙂

🌿 🤍 Anita