Hi, heartfelt hugs – I believe if you re read your post, you will see that this guy is not a good match for you for the long haul. Seems you are opposite on some pretty big issues. That doesn’t mean that love wasn’t present- and it may still be, keep that part and junk the rest – the guilt, the missing him. There were red flags everywhere in that relationship. It’s going to hurt, of course, you’ve lost a dream and a hope.

Eyes forward sister – every moment you spend in a loser relationship keeps you another moment from having the relationship that suits you and will endure and which you deserve with an equal. Please give yourself time to grief the loss (not to discourage you, but I just passed the first anniversary of splitting with my beloved and it still hurts but not as much).

How to get through this? stay the course, don’t go backwards…grieve and give yourself time to heal and grow. Rest, eat, exercise. When you feel able to do so, fill your days with things that you are passionate about, this is a GREAT time to stretch your wings because you aren’t responsible to anyone but yourself – travel? new hobby? volunteer? You will find someone new to talk to at the end of the day. DON’T settle! That’s the bird in the hand is worth two in the bush mentality. Mix it up, have fun.

Good luck, and be good to yourself.

Hi Cynthia,
Good for you for reaching out and seeking a solution for what you think could be a hindrance to your happiness in the long run. Hanging onto an ex is very common and the best medicine is time. I happen to be working on an article on this topic so here are my highlights that might help. There are a few main reasons why we hang onto our Ex.

1)We tend to glorify the good and forget the “bad” (bad: what was incompatible)
2) We are afraid of our grief and hanging onto them helps us delay our process (most people fear their feelings!)
3) We feel guilt for the mistakes we made and a part of us fantasizes about getting back together and doing everything right this time.
4) Heart takes time to let go. In my experience, if you really want to let go and move on, it takes about 1-2 years. It doesn’t mean that it will be excruciating the whole time. It all depends on your perspective.
5) We forget that relationships are spiritual assignments. They have their expiration and that is OK. Not all of them are supposed to last a lifetime. It does not mean that the relationship was bad or meaningless. It means that you got what you needed out of it. Now process, extract wisdom, make necessary changes (do your inner work). When you’re ready, the next relationship (next assignment) will show up.

Here is what worked for me:
Make a list of what worked and didn’t work. Be realistic.
Keep a journal and process what comes up.
Delete him from your Facebook (constant FB checking does not help at all!)
Get out and start doing new stuff (volunteer, take a new class, start a book club, etc..)
Give yourself permission to feel your feelings. Don’t resist what comes up but don’t indulge.

Hope this helps. Additionally, I wrote an article posted here on TB about my experience after my break-up that might speak to you:

Why Love Addiction Deprives Us of Love, and How to Let It In

Warmly,
Banu

People are not here to fit your expectations. We are not all ready to take the next step in life, and maybe he has an entirely different life path ahead of him than you. That dosen’t make him less of a person, it just means that you don’t see to eye to eye.

The more you expect of people in life, the more dissapointment you will have. Its okay to have “standards” for how you would like to be treated (of course!) But expecting someone to live a life that YOU want them to live, is actually selfish on your part. Extremely so.

Focus on yourself and what you want out of life first, don’t project it onto other people. You will continue to drive people away and will suffer endless dissapointments. Again, people dont live their lives for you, they live it for themselves. You dont like it? Then get out.