Dear Sophie:

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for taking the time to reflect on everything. It’s clear you’re approaching this situation with care and thoughtfulness, trying to make sense of a complex dynamic while being mindful of broader discussions about autism and personality disorders.

Your openness and willingness to learn more about the situation are commendable. Please take your time as you reflect and work through it all. There’s no rush in making sense of complex emotions.

Sending you support as you navigate this. 💙

anita

Dear Sophie,

I’m glad you’re doing well and found the advice helpful.

I’d just like to mention one thing, which I think is important when navigating the relationship with a difficult/entitled/needy parent. It’s the difference between hurt and harm. Your mother might feel “hurt” if you don’t fulfill all of her wishes and meet all of her demands. Entitled people often do – they feel hurt when we don’t comply with their selfish demands.

However, it doesn’t mean she would be actually harmed by you saying No to some of her whims, or refusing to “rescue” her in some of her conflicts with neighbors, or other similar situations, where she is not in actual physical danger, but only her feelings are hurt.

Barbara Heffernan, in the video I mentioned before, says “Compassion does not excuse inexcusable behavior.” So when your mother requires you to get her out of trouble (which she herself created), but she isn’t actually in physical danger (no physical harm would befall her), you don’t necessarily have to jump to her rescue right away. As Alessa said, she might benefit from becoming more self-sufficient. And even if she would resent you (that’s inevitable), it would be better for both of you, on the long run.

Also, people with narcissistic tendencies (not claiming that your mother is one, but in case she is) only learn, i.e. only change their behavior when faced with consequences. So if she makes a mess, and isn’t in actual physical danger – let her experience the consequences of her own mess. Next time she will think twice before getting involved in some unnecessary conflict, or suchlike – because she’ll know you won’t be there to get her out of trouble.

So perhaps the difference between hurt and harm can give you a clue about when to intervene and when not. Of course, I know it’s not that simple, and there are nuances, but perhaps it’s something to consider?

I hope you’re taking good care of yourself and allowing time for yourself during the day, even if it’s just for a few minutes. And that you find the time to visit the gym from time to time!

Wishing you lots of luck and resilience!

I wish I could hear/ read more from you, Sophie. I wish we could talk more.

Anita

Hi Steve

Autists are not narcissists. They are capable of empathy, but have theory of mind deficits which means that they have difficulty understanding others unique experiences, thoughts and feelings. They can learn to understand these things if they have the interest, teaching aids and cognitive skills. What this means, is that there tends to be an assumption that other people feel similarly to their own experiences.

Narcissism is defined by a lack of empathy.

The two may appear similar, but are ultimately different and have different causes.