Dear Pink:

“I have to respect the abused girl in me. That’s the most important thing. Why do anything that sickens her?” –  whenever you feel empathy for your mother, for your father, for any of your sisters, for any other person, and you are about to do something for their sake (example: call your mother), think- is this thing that I am thinking of doing, is it doing right by the abused girl in me? If it’s wrong for her- don’t do it.

If something needs to be done, and the way to do it is wrong for the girl in you (let’s refer to her as little pink, let me know if you prefer another name), do it in a different way, a way that does not sickens little pink.

Let’s say you decide to have no contact with your mother forevermore. Little pink is likely, at one point or another (and it may surprise you) to miss her mother, to feel guilty and therefore, suffer. When this happens, you may wonder, maybe I am not doing right by little pink having no contact with my mother, if it was right by her, she wouldn’t be suffering. And then, to relieve her suffering, you might contact your mother. And then, following perhaps a temporary relief, your suffering will continue… for as long as you have contact with your mother.

When the above happened to me, the adult part of me took charge. I talked to the child, asked her questions, listened to her answers, communicated with her gently and patiently. And as a result, the child/ I felt better, every time!

I used to think that if I had no contact with my mother, my mother would suffer for it. I didn’t want her to suffer! What helped me the most was when I realized that I had things backward: it was me all along who was suffering because my mother wasn’t there for me. It was me who needed her all along, and didn’t have her, not the other way around.

I used to incorrectly think that she will be so happy if I contacted her again.  But then I realized that through all the years that I lived with her, she wasn’t happy… even though I had lots of contact with her, I was right there, available to her, focused on her, loving her. All the years when I regularly called her and visited her, she was not happy. So… why would I expect her to be happy if I renewed contact with her now?

I had it backward: I needed her all along, I was desperate for her all along, I loved her… not the other way around. It wasn’t her loss, really, to have no contact with me, because I didn’t really mean much to her. That was a mind-boggling realization on my part.

I used to think that if I cut contact with her, she’d desperately chase me, plead with me to contact her. Fast forward, more than 8 years of no contact, and no such thing. Hmmm… the desperation all along was mine, not hers. I incorrectly projected my desperation into her.

“I think there is so much shame in this society when it comes to cutting off contact with one’s mother” – there is a very strong social taboo against cutting contact with one’s mother in all cultures, more in some than in others.

“I feel guilty though, like I wouldn’t have wasted so much energy had I completely cut off contact earlier” – I wish I had cut contact with my mother when I was 20. I would have saved myself decades of dysfunction and misery. I would have been able to help myself and other people, all these years and decades, instead of hurting myself and others.

I felt a similar guilt to your guilt, for not having done it earlier, and as a result, having wasted so much. What helped me feel better about all that waste is that the waste in my life is not the exception but the rule. Waste is everywhere, and in every human life. It is a human tragedy, not my unique, individual tragedy.

anita