Home→Forums→Relationships→Unable to feel fully happy in my perfect relationship
- This topic has 6 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 10 months ago by
dooobs.
-
AuthorPosts
-
October 18, 2014 at 1:17 pm #66426
clare j
Participant2 years ago I ended a 10 year relationship with someone who was my best friend, but with whom I shared no chemistry. During those ten years I was confident in myself and never doubted his feelings for me, but I was wrought with doubts as to whether I was choosing the right person to spend my life with and whether I was prepared to spend my life without passion or excitement. After ending that relationship things started fairly quickly with a new man, someone I feel deeply passionate about and who seems to feel that way about me. Things moved rapidly and we both agreed that while it had only been a short time we both felt as though we had been together forever and had always been meant for each other. We moved in together, created a beautiful home together, got engaged, and we will be married next summer. He reminds me every day how much he loves me and how excited he is by me and tells me I am beautiful – I really couldn’t ask for a more giving and caring individual to spend my life with. Honestly, I should be so utterly happy, but I am not. I have never felt so insecure or insufficient in my life. It isn’t so much that I am unhappy with him, or my relationship, or my life – but rather, I am stuck living in the past and it isn’t even my past, it is his past.
Before we were together he had numerous relationships. He was a bit of a serial monogamist with several one nightstands and countless random hook-ups. So many he cannot even recall the number. I, on the other hand, have only been intimate with my ex, and him. He was very open about his past in the beginning, too much so really, and it has taken such a toll on my confidence. I spend hours worrying about the women from his past, little nothings trigger thoughts of them. I compare myself to them physically and it makes me feel ugly or insufficient. Then I torment myself with thoughts about them making him feel good or touching him and I withdraw into myself and feel depressed for days at a time. All of the women in his past were infinitely more beautiful than me, with larger breasts and perfect noses, and I fear so deeply that he compares me to them, or even just that people he sees on the street or in porn or anywhere might remind him of them, or that he wishes I looked differently or more like someone else.
He has been so fabulous about reassuring me that he has never even really been in love before (though of course, then that makes me sad because I feel like he should never feel like he wasn’t allowed to love before) and that our sex is better than any he has ever had, and that he thinks I am beautiful, etc., etc., and I feel terrible that I could cause him to feel bad about his past or guilty for anything. I know his past is his past and it is a part of who he is and who I love and and that it was before me, and I try to remind myself of this all the time, but thinking about him being with so many other people just makes me miserable and I worry about it constantly. Then I worry that he will tire of my nonsense and that I am sabotaging everything.
These thoughts are preventing me from being fully present and put such a strain on an otherwise wonderful relationship. I don’t know how to stop feeling this way or how to become the confident and strong person he fell in love with in the first place once again.
October 18, 2014 at 4:07 pm #66431Alice
ParticipantYou’ve done well in identifying so clearly the thought patterns that you are having and your response to such feelings.
When reading your post I also had the thought that you are worrying about whether your partner compares you to people he hooked up with in the past. Your words convey that in fact it is you are comparing yourself to these people (you don’t even know whether he does, whether he would take on board any thoughts from it if he did so, and if he does on the odd occasion- the nature of the comparison). Perhaps a part of your journey could be to work on identifying for yourself the ‘beauty’ that you hold at an internal and external level- I’m very sure there you carry an enormous amount of beauty- for a start, your post suggests that you value being present in a relationship- you might agree with me that this is a beautiful aim to hold.
Become aware of when you are comparing yourself to these people from his past might also be useful- come up with a way to have a laugh about it if you can. If I remember correctly from ideas from the ACT training approach (Acceptance and Commitment Training), one suggestion for working on ruminative thoughts is to come up with a way to have a laugh about it, e.g. you could say ‘I’m comparing myself again’ in a ridiculously strange voice. It’s not meant to be flippant on the worries, but is a way to help work through the habit of going over and over something.
I guess the reality is that relationships always carry a suite of uncertainties. The risks that we take in the face of these uncertainties are our own choices to make, and these choices (whichever we decide upon) are our own to embrace.
Best wishes
October 18, 2014 at 4:16 pm #66432Alice
ParticipantI also had the thought that reading a novel that weaves through feelings and relationships might be a good way to become centred with the poignancy and beauty of a passionate relationship. I found ‘The Rainbow’ by D.H.Lawrence and ‘the Claudine series’ by Colette to be valuable at this level. You or someone you know might have a book that does the same.
October 18, 2014 at 4:20 pm #66433SIngh
ParticipantHi Claire,
This is quite a tough situation that you are in. I myself felt the same way about my ex girlfriend whom I met in 1st year university 4 years ago. I was coming from never having been intimate with anybody that much, and she had lost her virginity at 16 to an asshole she dated through highschool, who cheated on her once and was generally not very good of a person. I was mad at her, that she let herself be used and I was mad at her for so easily giving herself up to some idiot. I was extremely unhappy with our relationship at the time because of her past.
However, at the time, she also was so in love with me and was crazy about me, willing to do anything to stay with me and always reminding me how sorry she is about her past and how much she valued me, Just like your partner seems to be feeling. This is not exactly the same situation, but I can relate a little bit here.
Anyway, in time, we shared more and more memories together and I forgave her for her past, both to her, and more importantly : within myself. That is, I allowed myself to accept that the present reality was that this girl was with me and she loved me dearly.
Clare, I believe that you should accept within yourself your own present reality too. He is yours, other women can only stare in jealousy when they see you two so happy with each other. You have so much in the relationship (as you have described), if you get these negative feelings, don’t bottle them up. Allow yourself to explain them to your partner, and allow him the chance to reassure you of his love for you.
Forgiveness is power, the power to let go of the past, and move on with your bright future :). It is not easy to forgive, but it is worth it. Also, and most importantly Clare: slowly but surely forgive yourself for feeling guilty about this situation. You cannot let this consume you, and do not keep blaming yourself for all this.
Have confidence in yourself, and love yourself. I will tell you now, that if you become majorly dependent on your partner for happiness and feelings of self worth, then you will fall hard one day and things will not end well for you. But if you take time everyday to train your mind to think positively about yourself, then you will not have this problem.
These feelings that youre not good enough ultimately come from personal insecurity in my opinion (which I still have myself in some ways). So now that we’ve rooted out this key problem, we can easily focus our energy into solving it!
So again, be confident in yourself and start to accept the truth: the truth by the way is that (there is probably even more but I don’t know you personally so I cant say more, but you can!) you are a loyal, respectful and beautiful person who believes in self respect and dignity. Learn to remember the amazing truths about yourself.
I believe that if your hearts are in the right place, then you two can easily work this out :).
Forgive, and have unbreakable confidence in yourself Clare! It won’t happen overnight, but when you attain these, then they will last a lifetime.
Sincerely,
Singh
-
This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by
SIngh.
October 18, 2014 at 9:29 pm #66436Tir
ParticipantHe has nothing to be ashamed of or to be forgiven for. He had a life where he was learning and growing and now he is the great person you love and adore. Judgment of our lover’s pasts or of our importance based on our comparative insecurities isn’t fair to them. He isn’t with them. He also isn’t hiding anything or trying to be someone he isn’t. Your insecurity is something in you that you need to excavate. Why are you feeling inferior? What is it about you that you think is lacking? Fear of his past will change you into someone you no longer recognize and he cannot respect.
October 19, 2014 at 5:51 am #66460Inky
ParticipantThe good news is you will only spend more and more time with him. If he was indeed a serial monogamist, one day, you will easily fly by the “two year mark” or however long his longest relationship was. Then you will fly by the “decade mark”, and have a good laugh. Of course everyone in his past was gorgeous ~ they were all twenty year old kids at the time! LOL.
Grown ups fall in love with depth and soul, which illuminate the beloved from within. It sounds like he is a grown up now. So you have nothing to worry about!
October 20, 2014 at 9:54 pm #66543dooobs
ParticipantClaire,
I seriously could have written this post. I called my bf over and read it to him. I said “see, I’m not crazy, do you see that I’m not the only one?” And he goes… “no just you and her are crazy” hahaha..I also come from a 13 year relationship where I felt confident and secure. The relationship became complacent and I knew I couldn’t live with it. There was something missing.
Shortly after I met a man who I now share a home with. A man who I quickly feel deeply in love with and visa versa. The one who had everything my last relationship was lacking. A person who also tells me how much he loves me, showers me with affection, tells me I’m beautiful.
However – the only thing that has continuously been an issue in our relationship are my thoughts about his past. We too have polar opposite pasts. I had only been with my ex and he’s been with many, many women (from all over the world…). I too am the only girl he’s been in love with and had this type of relationship with. We’ve been together for about 2 years now.
And yet… here i am in the exactly same place you are. I struggle with issues of feeling like “enough” and confident throughout this whole relationship! (minus those blissful first few months)
Is it our minds always looking for something wrong?
Is it the fear that to have something so good we create the ways it could go wrong?
Is it jealousy?I wish I knew. I’ve gotten better with time though…I used to just simply pass a girl on the street and instantly be in a bad mood – and he would clearly see it – just from the thoughts about his past women. Yet in my last relationship I never was that girl – I felt confident and beautiful in who I was.
For a while, I thought maybe it was that our beliefs about sex were so different and that’s why I was focusing so much on these negative comparisons.
But really – it’s only me. It’s my lack of acceptance within myself that leads me to not accept his past and who he once was.
My bf has also been supportive on this issue, talked to me, reassures me, and truly has been sensitive to my needs. But I know this is something that I need to work on myself.I want to move past this too. It feels like I have put my own life on hold these past couple of months because my mind is so clouded with these thoughts. If I get over one of his past sexual experiences my mind is onto another (why did I need to know so many details??)
I wonder if it has anything to do with being in a long term relationship and quickly moving onto another. With the end of my last relationship came a lot of questions in who I was and what I wanted out of life. I’m still working on those questions and I wonder if that lack of knowing is filled with these negative thoughts.
It’s truly obsessive thinking. I’m not sure how to control it. I wish I had some good advice. Journaling has helped. Saying things out loud to him that are on my mind help because then they pass. I guess I just wanted to share that you weren’t alone in this issue.
-
This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by
-
AuthorPosts