Hi everyone reading,

I was hoping for some advice on a current relationship (a first relationship for me)

I have been with my boyfriend for 6months, upon meeting him i was in a space where i was gaining a bit of confidence back after a couple years with debilitating anxiety (social included) and i was still very guarded and even though i fell for him i was still very scared and unsure, assuming he would end up hurting me & not to bother – i have read alot into attachment styles in efforts to heal my anxiety & become open to connection, and have discovered how dysfunctional my behaviour is towards relationships, due to a very unstable, sometimes frightning and sometimes emotionally abusive childhood. So the way i percieve lovers is very negative, hence why i havnt been in a relationship until now (too scared)

I decided to take a chance with him and challange every fear i had about men, as i felt what we have is very strong and he is a beautiful person, something i saw instantly before knowing him. I have expirienced alot of anxiety seeing this relationship out so far, but i endured as i felt it was worth it, and worth it for me to overcome these ingrained beliefs ive been living with, and he is the sweetest guy ive ever met. We have had many agruments from the beginning all because of one anothers insecurities where i tried ending it a couple of times but he is good with his words & always apologized, though it did raise alarm bells as i knew i was still working through alot personally and this was just alot of added stress for me, he is very passionate when he feels there is sometjing wrong and his reaction/tone of voice & the way he spoke scared me a little and put me right off. But i decided to continue because he always made up for it and though his reaction was irrational his points where understandable, i also understood that he does not either want to be hurt.

I was doing well (besides the anxiety coming with it) with looking at my behaviour and thinking twice before i reacted, alot of things have come up for me in this relationship & i have found that i get very reactive quickly, i assume he is out to hurt me, with no real evidence(so im constantly looking for evidence)
In little things and making them a much bigger deal, and interpersting them wrongly, i look at things and other people negstively, as a protection mechanism im always on the look out for things that could be a potential threat (things in their behaviour), i become bery in my head making up scenarios & end up being cold and distant, he noticed early on when i did my usual tjing if i felt a guy wasnt interested (by not acting the way i expected them to) & shut off, stormed out, basically thought “im out” & he was very confused, i told him i had anxiety & apologized for being cold, and that it had more to do with me than him.

Since then i have become tired of constantly checking in with myself before strong insecurities come up, and in challenging everything i do. I keep on making the same mistakes, snapping at him for little things, expecting the impossible from him & being totally irrational and taking him wrong, i am now at a point where my mind is too tired to think twice, i am too often snapping at him and apologizing AFTER, i feel like im failing with this & i feel depressed, i was on the verge of a breakdown yesterday due to all the stress i e been putting myself through in regards to this relationship (like it shoukd be so hard!) & i basically feel now i just cant do it. He has his flaws but aside from that he has been nothing but supportive of me, loving and overly complimentrary, i feel i cant even focus on these beautiful tjings, i am still scared, still analyzi g him and still judging him and i feel guilty & sad that i am finding it very difficult to just let go & give him love and let him give it to me, i find it hard to take his kind words and often tell him i dont believe him which frustrates him.

I feel completely unable to be in a relationship & i feel i am & have been unfair to him, the way i have been is now almost looking like a joke & i am surprised he is still with me, i am confused as to why this proving almost imposdible without anxiety & depression and whether i should let it go as i feel it is totally unfair on him, i believe and have believed from the start that he is a genuine besutiful hearted person and have believed to tjis day that he is too good for me, that he deserves someone who is ‘together’ can support him and give him love.

I get upset when i think like that because it makes me feel so guilty that i just cant be compassionate & loving & to put my crap aside, it is beyond a challange and one im getting through but i dont want to involve him in it.

Im not sure what to do, everytime i react and apologize he first gets cranky, reminds me of what he has said to me and the nice tjings he has done for me, and then i says its okay & not to stress about it. But i just feel ridiculous now, like a joke, like im the gf with all the problems & he is going through alot & all i want to do is support him, but my thoughts are still selfish and inconsiderate of him. I feel imense guilt & sadness as i revognise these tjings but now feel powerless to change it, my mind is exhausted & i am becomming needy of him, i havnt been getting alot of work (im a freelancer) so i spend most nights with him and alot if energy in the day thinking about him, analyzing him and the situation. It is not healthy but very hard to break out of this habit. I no longer want to do this to him, but i feel powerless. I keep thinking and feeling he deserves better, i dont want to embarras myself anymore and i dont want to be a lump of stress & sadness when im with him, which is more often than it should be.
He was my teacher in class and he is a little older than me, (6 years apart) but i feel with the dynamic that we met, i kind of try to prove myself to him, he inspires me.

What do you think?? Am i uncapable of any kind of connection? Should i let him go to sort my life? I love him to bits, we moved quickly & he is just amazing, but this is why i feel i want him to be happy, he says he is but i honestly believe im a pain in the butt, and he deserves better.

Any advice would be much much appreciated! I am confused & stuck :-/ thank you for reading if you got to the end of this