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Very confusing relationship…

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  • #275095
    Jenna08
    Participant

    I’m going to try to keep this as short as I can while trying to give as much info. I ended an 8 mth relatiobship 4 weeks ago.  3 weeks no contact now.  I’m middle aged, educated and have Never experienced what I did and it has left me blindsided beyond confused. We met on Zoosk and it went Fast.   I was his soulmate. He’s looked for me his whole life, never loved like this.  He is 56 I’m 45.  He’s never been married but had a longtime companion he lost to a disease. Right in the beginning weird statements.  He told me he’s only been w 3 women in his life and had very little sexual experience.  When he offered these words out of the blue it felt weird. It didn’t make sense as he was a very good looking man and that was just off.  I come to find out later he’s been w hundreds of women multiples at one time many times…. involved in bdsm and other stuff. While his companion was dying in their home he was sexting other women and also having sex w her best friend when she would come over to help take care of her… I found this crap on his computer.   So many pics of women in his computer …. 2 mths into relationship my friend would see him active on zoosk like the green dot. I would call and gently just say hey and explain it and he would tell me it must be a computer glitch…  I believed him because every other word was I love you more than you’ll ever know… you’re everything I’ve ever wanted.   Time moves on. Lies keep popping up … hangs up w someone when I walk up and tells a big lie about a dropped work call… next day tells me it was an ex and he was afraid I’d get mad …. delete texts w friend of companion that he was having sex with. We would be apart for a few days and he would return in what I call hypersexual state. Asking to do weird things we never talked about …. aggressive in bed.    Borderline uncomfortable and very off.  I asked him if he’s doing online sex… baby I would never do that no.   So sincere.  Convincing.  He was in the bar every night and would take a pic of him at home and send it to me while he’s at the bar.  When we were apart is when the lies became super clear.    Even his voice sounded different.  He works from home and would disappear for hours and claim he never got a missed call or text from me.  Nothing.  Would lose his signal in fog for Hours.  Still professing undying love for me.   His phone and computer were the most important and protected items in his life.  Phone went to bathroom w him shower.    Never out of his site.  If it was laying in the car charging and he had to run into the store it had to go with him if I was in the car.    A box of ‘toys’ next to his bed from him and his companion who’s passed on.  I then come to learn that he had lived with so many women … he’s almost 60 so natural to have a past.   I still don’t get the offering false info in the start about no experience and 3 lovers.    So weird.    Anyway.  I guess why I’m here is obviously he’s a liar but is there anything else like diagnosable you see in this?    And the times when I would tell him hey, this lying and hiding phone calls and texts is not working …he would blow up… always tell me to ‘slow down… slow down…. even if I wasn’t talking and then ask me..wtf is wrong w you?   Another thing. I’ve never been accused of cheating or sneaking around in any other relationship. He was so suspicious of me for no reason.  It was creepy.    What is this guy?

    #275143
    Wanderer
    Participant

    None of what you’ve described sounds favourable. You listened to your gut well. You’ve made the right decision, good on you!

    #275145
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jenna08:

    Let’s see: he is 56, been in a relationship with you for 8 months. Very early on he told you the following: you are my soulmate. I looked for you my whole life. I never loved like this before. You are everything I’ve ever wanted. I’ve only been with three women in my life and I have very little sexual experience”-

    I think that his motivation in making these statements was to motivate you to be a willing and enthusiastic participant in a charged emotional/ sexual relationship with him. The statements he made worked before, so he used them again. Even for an educated woman like yourself, feeling weird hearing those statements, they are appealing nonetheless, aren’t they?

    “We would be apart for a few days and he would return in what I call hypersexual state. Asking to do weird things… aggressive in bed”- I think your evaluation of him being hypersexual is true. His focus from the beginning of his communication with you, as it is with many other women,  is sex. This is his aim. He craves sexual stimulation and pursues it.

    Every other thing a relationship  is supposed to be about (ex., honesty, trust) is not important to him. Everything is on the backburner because sex is in the front burner. All means justify the end: his sexual stimulation: he’ll say anything to motivate a woman, do anything to hide what will un-motivate her (his having sex with other women).

    I was wondering as it may be revealing: in what circumstances did he tell you to slow down?

    anita

    #275147
    Mark
    Participant

    Jenna08,

    I can understand the pain and feeling of betrayal.  He is not in your life anymore (hopefully).  Trying to figure out why he is what he is, is not very useful in order to move on.

    The key thing for you is to take away any learnings about yourself about this experience.  Each relationship brings up challenges which gives us opportunities to learn.  Increasing our self awareness, our discernment of others, how we communicate, what our boundaries are, how we value ourselves are some of the ways that having relationships (friendships, romantic, family) push us to examine and grow.

    Make sense?

    Mark

    #275151
    Jenna08
    Participant

    Anita.  He would tell me in those words, “slow down…” whenever I brought up a lie.   And he would pause… I would pause and not even be talking … as time went on I realized he Always said that when he was trying to create more time to explain, rather lie more about why he was lying.   Mark… no we are definitely apart.  No contact at all.   What I am learning about myself is duh….. I have very if any boundaries for myself.  Red flags from the Start that I didn’t pay attention to.   I’m a people pleaser.   Always have been.  Emotionally unavailable mother and then went on to marry a narcissist and Then find myself in this sick situation.   And I admit.   This was the most confusing of all. Words and actions did Not match up and I ignored that.  And I made the mistake of Not trusting my gut.   My gut was alarming me the entire time and I didn’t listen.  I have been reading a lot and diving into what I am doing wrong and it’s all about my boundaries.    Also.    The biggest thing for me and I can be told 100 x’s that he is a sick person or manipulative and all of it…. I cannot wrap my brain around the fact that people operate or think this way.  That’s why I reach out for advice on it because to me it just doesn’t make sense.   And I so appreciate your words of wisdom.   They are lifelines for me.   Each day no contact I feel healthier but man…… that was something else.

    #275155
    Jenna08
    Participant

    I’m thinking too that maybe he is a sex addict.   Ya think.    It got to the point where I didn’t even want to go out in public w him because it was so uncomfortable how he would oogle other women.   Nothing discreet about it…. right in front of me eye up and down and back up and smile and eye contact and stare hard.   And then convince me I didn’t see what I saw.     I’m not a jealous kind and I’m pretty attractive I’ve been told…. that wore on me.    I’ve learnd about gaslighting too and I think that was going on.  I just look forward to the day when I No longer wonder about it.    And that will happen in time.   I want time to hurry up….

    #275161
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jenna08:

    “I cannot wrap my brain around the fact that people operate or think this way… it just doesn’t make sense”-

    do you feel the same way about your “Emotionally unavailable mother”, and the “narcissist” man she married, that you can’t wrap your brain around the fact that they operated they ways they did?

    anita

     

    #275163
    Jenna08
    Participant

    Yes I do feel that way.    Now that I’m a mother I don’t understand it.     But especially I don’t understand manipulation.

    #275167
    Jenna08
    Participant

    He also had a very almost secretive vibe.  And aggression underlying.   You could feel it

    #275169
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jenna08:

    Is it that you don’t understand the cruelty of it, of a mother having no heart for her child, hurting an innocent child? I often wondered recently, why didn’t my mother share her troubles with me and then accepted my efforts, as a child, to help her… why did she refuse to operate with me  like a team, be honest with me and work with me.. why she (did she) had to lie and manipulate me through guilt, hurt me as badly as she did, what good did it do to her.

    Anything like that, such wonderings on your part?

    anita

    #275171
    Jenna08
    Participant

    My mother has little empathy.   I have an over abundance.    That’s part of it I think

    #275177
    Valora
    Participant

    Yes I do feel that way.    Now that I’m a mother I don’t understand it.     But especially I don’t understand manipulation.

    My mother has little empathy.   I have an over abundance.    That’s part of it I think

    With empathy comes understanding, though. Chances are, when people hurt others or do things with little to no regard for the feelings of anyone else, they have some deep-seeded issues, and the worse their actions, the more likely it is a mental illness, such as a personality disorder.  Their actions generally aren’t right, especially morally, but they’re understandable in that case (although that still does NOT make them excusable… it just means they likely need help).

    I don’t think any of us could actually diagnose this guy specifically without knowing him, but he definitely has some issues, and it’s a good thing to trust your gut when you feel something isn’t right. It’s good that you were able to pick up on that and I’m glad you aren’t with him.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Valora.
    #275183
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jenna08:

    Yes, children do tend to fill in the vacuum of the experience with a non empathetic parent with excess empathy. It is similar to what happens when a plant is situated in dry, poor ground: it grows its roots longer and longer trying to reach water and nutrition.

    It is interesting that a mother who has little empathy to her child, may have lots of empathy to her own mother, or even to a neighbor, but not to her daughter. And this man you mentioned, he may have empathy to his dog, but not to the women in his life.

    It comes to what/ who people value. A decent person will act with basic decency to all  people. A person who is not decent will value only selected people and see no value in some or most people, then he/ she proceed to treat those he doesn’t value in most disrespectful and even abusive ways.

    anita

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