fbpx
Menu

Want to get sober (clean, technically) but….

HomeForumsTough TimesWant to get sober (clean, technically) but….

New Reply
Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #99020
    LindsayLou
    Participant

    Ugh, where do I start? Well it’s late and I should try to go to bed soon, so I will keep this initial post short and as simple as I can. A little about me: I am addicted to heroin. I put that first because it is basically the primary driving force in my life– it’s what I think about first when I wake up in the morning, it’s what dictates whether I will have a good or bad day, it motivates almost all of my actions and decisions. Dope, getting more dope, quitting dope, suboxone (a detox or maintenance drug prescribed or sold on the street to opiate addicts like myself), finding money, worry of getting caught for the shady and/or illegal things I sometimes to do come up with what I need to feed my habit– these are the thoughts I am consumed with when I’m alone. Of course, there’s also the thoughts about what I have sacrificed for my drug, the people I have hurt, the guilt and shame and remorse, the relationships I’ve damaged or thrown away, the missed opportunities, the time I have wasted…

    Some other things about me: I am 32, I have a daughter who is 2 and lives with my parents and is AMAZING, I work as an office manager/bookkeeper, i’m single, and I own my own home. Currently I see my daughter almost every day and I think our relationship is as good as it can be, given the circumstances. When I’m with her is the only time that my thoughts do NOT revolve around using (most of time, anyways). My ultimate goal is to re-gain custody and have her back in my life completely, like a normal mom and daughter. But at this point in time that dream is quite a ways off.

    I’ve been trying to get clean/sober ever since she was born. It’s a long story but suffice to say I illegally took some Percocet at the end of my pregnancy and she tested positive at birth (and please save your judgement, people. The entire thing is something I am extremely ashamed of however I thank god that she was born– and remains to this day– completely healthy and perfect in every way. Hopefully someday I will say that her birth was the catalyst for making the best change I’ve ever made in my life). Anyways, child services got involved right away and eventually legal custody went to my parents, despite my continued and repeated efforts to get and stay clean. Signing her over was devastating to me, of course, and especially for my ego and pride (i just never thought it would happen to me… I knew I was a good person, i grew up in an upper middle class family and have a college degree– how could I be deemed unfit to be the mother to my own child?! was what I thought at the time). I can now see that if I had never been caught taking drugs and had been allowed to take her home, there’s no telling what could have happened. I had never used heroin at the time (only pills) but that’s irrelevant. I had already been to my first rehab about 6 months before I got pregnant so obviously I was no stranger to the drug life and I have no doubt that i wouldve been in full-blown using mode shortly after the time she was born, and then who knows what kind of irresponsible and/or dangerous situations I would have put her in.

    Anyways, fast forward to today. I have been shooting heroin for about a year, and have been in and out of treatment facilities, detoxes, and sober houses for the last 2. As far as that merry go round goes, it’s basically to the point where I think (and my mom, who is my biggest supporter in all of this and who,also happens to have 27 years in recovery herself, actually agrees with me) I have to WANT to get clean and stay clean, and going to another rehab isn’t going to fix that… The thing is, I DO want to live a better life. I want to have money to buy things for my child and my house and myself; for that matter I want to be able to pay my bills and not steal and not lie. To anyone! I am tired of being a slave to something that turns me into a zombie– heroin sucks all the laughter, joy, and light right out of my very soul.

    I was sober for a few months over the summer, and I KNOW during that time I got to experience true happiness and pure, untainted joy. And yet, I made the choice to pick up (just this once, I told myself) and before long I was back at it again. I’m in my fourth month of relapse now. I went to the dr last week and got a prescription for suboxone (if you’re not familiar, you can google it for more information. Sorry, I just don’t have it in me to go into a detailed explanation). The plan was to switch to the subs, take them as prescribed for a few months while I get back into a (12 step) recovery program, and then taper off them eventually when I’m ready. But there are a couple problems I’m running into here: the first is that I am completely unmotivated to re-engage in a 12 step program. it’s not that I disagree with the basic principles of it. In fact, I think that the steps are great principles to live by. I guess it’s more the execution that I’m struggling with at this point. I’ve never “clicked” with someone from the program like I have with other people in my life. I guess for me the bond that’s formed by getting fucked up with someone is just way stronger or more enjoyable than the bonds i make or feel when I’m sober. Maybe? Idk if that’s really what I’m trying to say, or if that’s really why I’m struggling with aa at the moment. But that’s part of it, at least.

    So the other problem with my suboxone plan is that I haven’t been able to get myself to bite the bullet and stop using so I can actually take them. Which is kinda important…. Duh. I guess I should have listed that as the number one issue, lol. So now I have my follow up appointment in 2 days and I’m scared they’re going to tell me I missed my chance and i obviously don’t really want to get clean…. (Btw, I am not interested in debating is being on subs actually counts as “clean” or not. It’s not shooting heroin and as far as I’m concerned that’s all that matters at this point).

    Okay Im not sure where I was going with this post but i guess I needed to get that out there, as a starting point. If anyone reading this can relate to my struggle please post. Or if you can’t relate and want to comment anyways please do. I am going to bed and asking the universe or God or buddha or whatever to give me strength tomorrow, so that I can make it through the day without using and take a sub tomorrow night when the withdrawals set in. If you’re reading this, please take a brief second to send some positive energy my way.

    #99028
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi LindsayLou,

    It seems like you are extremely highly motivated!! Plan your Work and Work your Plan. It IS possible!! I am sending tons and loads of positive Energy and White Light your Way!!! Also a mental Good Fairy that sprinkles WillPower Dust on you every single day!! We got you here on TinyBuddha! You can do this!!

    Blessings,

    Inky

    #99035
    dotcom1
    Participant

    Dear Lindsay,

    First of all I would like to congratulate to post you story. It cannot be easy to expose yourself like that; I think it is very courageous of you.

    I am not a recovering alcoholic or drug addict so I won’t be able to advise you on that section. Please forgive the parallel I am going to make between your addiction and what was mine. They are not the same and mine was far less intense.

    I was a smoker for about 18 years averaging more or less a pack per day. My wife and I didn’t want to raise our first child in a smoking environment we decided to quit smoking. We have tried three times before actually succeeding.

    The first time we tried to stop gradually but it didn’t work because the slightest problem triggered a smoke and since we hadn’t stopped properly we kind of slowed down to finally get back to smoking the same quantities.

    The second time we tried to stop totally from one day to the next without getting mentally prepared and it lasted 3 days.

    The third we understood we needed a plan so we took our time, got advices from here and there, read a lot. We finally decided to go with a 5€ method (Allen Carr Easy Way To Stop Smoking) which was the right move since we haven’t had a smoke for the past 13 years. And yes I do feel like a good cigarette from time to time but I have the choice to do it or not.

    Ok I know, you are probably thinking it is only cigarette and not heroin and that I shouldn’t compare one with the other. You have a point but please bear with me, I won’t provide you with a solution but maybe a direction.

    The key to your success is a good preparation, you must plan when you are going to stop, how and prepare for the future and the cravings.

    Allen Carr was a very heavy smoker and successfully quitted smoking using the method described in his book. His method is very simple, while you are planning, getting ready to quit and reading the whole book carry on smoking. The book itself talks about how bad smoking is for you and your entourage and it contains loads of other facts. So basically while you are reading the book Allen Carr is planting new perspectives about your smoking habit and although you knew most of the facts reading them over and over through the book is like a brainwashing session. By the end of the book you are still smoking but you definitely want to quit for sure.

    How does this relate to you? To me you seem like a functioning person with a serious addiction. Your goal is to get your daughter back and get that “true happiness and pure, untainted joy” again. It will come with some drawback “the bond that’s formed by getting fucked up with someone is just way stronger or more enjoyable than the bonds i make or feel when I’m sober” no more stronger and more enjoyable bonds for some time at least but this is all for your daughter and you.

    You are motivated, those subs help you, they are good in the sense that you are not shooting (breaking the gesture habit). It’s one step but you need a proper plan now!

    On one road there is you, your daughter, your mum, your health, that “true happiness and pure, untainted joy” and just the regular life you are aware of, no drugs.

    On the other road there is an unhappy soul, a poisoned body, some stealing episodes, money problems, lies and drugs.

    I know which road you’d like to follow, who you’d like to be and what you’d like to do. Go to you mum look at your daughter and plan everything with your mum. Plan, plan, plan.

    Decide when you are going to quit for good.

    Plan to go to detox again.

    And most importantly plan for after the detox, plan differently, get busy, don’t stay alone too often. Also get rid of your friends who are still using, get rid of their phone numbers address and do not meet with them ever again. You know that you will fall off the wagon if you still see or hang around with them. Plan and anticipate for those difficult days when cravings hit you hard, plan A, plan B, plan C, plan D, plan E. You must have at least 5 backups; they can be safe people and/or safe actions. The more plans the better. Heroin cannot be an option!

    You will not succeed if you do not prepare yourself for the future and if you do not take radical measures like stop seing those friend. Again it’s all for your daughter.

    Once clean, at first you will feel like the regular life is not exciting as it used to be, that it is dull and that it would be good to get some of those chemical. But you have the choice to say no, because of your daughter, because it is not you anymore. I know it will be tempting, even just once, but once you have decided to quit it is forever and not once should you try again. You always have the choice to say no and to run away, your one and only goal is your daughter. Through her you will find again joy, excitement, life. It’s not about you anymore it’s all about her and for her.

    Now what?

    Get in the mood to quit, start reading, get interested in it, shop around for a good detox clinic, go and visit those clinics, get involved, feel the excitement of the change that is coming. Let it grow so big that you will have to set up a quitting date, stick to your plans like a robot would do. Make a pledge to quit for the rest of your life.

    Get a sponsor, consider hypnotherapy (get someone good, do you research).

    You are now walking in the same direction hand in hand with your daughter and that’s all that matters.

    Wish you all the best.

    #99048
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear LindsayLou:

    I have experience living with a heavy duty heroine/ other stuff addict. For a long time, definitely long enough. One time I drank his methadone little juice cup. It was red and sweet, if I remember right. And then I felt like I have never felt before and had no idea it was even remotely possible to feel that way. I was, for a whole day at the least (and I was in no rush to sleep it off!) – I was completely free of any trouble. All was well, and I mean all was well.

    Of course, once it was gone, I wanted more. And I drank more. There it was again, all was well. I enjoyed just being awake for it. All was well. So, of course, I did it again.

    For some reason, one of those times, I felt like vomiting. The good feeling was gone. It made me sick. When I felt better (but not as good as All Good…) I drank it again, remembering very well how it felt before. And again, i felt sick. I tried again, and felt nothing, the good feeling was gone.

    It so happens my supply of methadone was gone as I moved out of the heroine user apartment.

    This is my story with methadone, the best All Good feeling I ever had.

    If you are reading this, my post here on your thread, and you have any thoughts about what I shared, please let me know.

    anita

    #105469
    Carrie A Stoll
    Participant

    Hello!
    I am an addict as well but my poison is meth.
    I started slamming it four years ago. I was going through a terrible time in my life and the high was the only escape I felt I had. I successfully quit and stayed clean about 6 months at a time. So I would always be high in say April until around September. Then be clean again. I wasn’t until I was able to remember how shitty life was when I was using that I was able to stay clean. I experienced some life changing moments in my high years but it also made me realize what I value and what I can do with out.

    #105486
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hey LindsayLou,

    I am a recovering addict that kept choosing me over the most important people in my life. I am six years clean of my addiction. It can be done. What I tell others that want to recover is to find something outside of yourself to invest in. Our culture has become one of merit, you must increase your skills and find new ways to show them off. Life is NOT a competition, it is a process and one that is enjoyed by engaging with it. Volunteer at a dog shelter or visit people in the hospital, anything that takes the “YOU” out of the picture for a little while. If you schedule just can’t handle one more thing, throw your schedule out. Performing for the crowd of THEY is not getting you where you want to be. I would also recommend getting into a 12 step group. I like Celebrate Recovery, because they want to Celebrate not camp on recovery.

    That’s my penny’s worth.

    #105589
    Maria_L
    Participant

    Hello,

    Just wanna send you my best wishes and congratulate on your determination to end this cycle…I know you will make it. I have never used drugs, but I know a thing or two about physical type of addiction, and it’s not easy to have one. And I would never dare to judge anyone who has it. Often our strong will, logic and determination will fail to overshadow our body screaming that we lack of ‘something’, and it’s much harder to fight the body than the ‘psychological’ addictions like ‘shopping and gambling. I don’t think there is easy path toward total detoxification and coming to the point that our body is ‘filtered’ from the ingredient that we got used to. So whatever you do, prepare yourself mentally that there will be some suffering involved and that you can only help yourself to relief the symptoms to some point. Focus on your goal through those days… Never read stories or forums in the hard days about people who ‘cant do this’, how they suffer.. Read about successful cases, convince yourself- if they could do it, I can to… See the light at the end of the tunnel before you reach there

    I got very severe case of anxiety and panic disorder few months ago, conditions I knew nothing about at the time. And because I lived in isolated area where going to counselor on daily basis was not an option, the fast solution was prescribing me bromazepam, which did miracles at the time, I got better in 24 hours!! Felt wonderful, I was happy again!! Just like that, over a night!! But it is in the most addictive group of medication. It gave me the clarity, though, to learn and deal with the disease better for 2 months (so I understand why sometimes it is needed). I haven’t abused the prescribed dose, and now I am cutting them slowly as doctor advised, but withdraw symptoms are worse that the initial anxiety… The first reduction, I couldn’t sleep 5 days in a row, felt like screaming in middle of supermarket, and got supper depressive the next second… But at least I knew about this, it’s the drug, not the disease causing it, and was kind of ready. I secretly wished I didn’t start such treatment though, I don’t know what to think now, did I really do my best?… I am fine for now, my body is used to the new very smaller doses… but I have 2-3 more steps of ‘reduction’ to go through.

    I agree with dotcom1, I know cigarette and pill addiction is probably nothing compared to heroin. But what we try to say is that it’s a long road to real recovery, we have walked through or still walking, different stuff work for different people, and sometimes you have to try different approaches, even combined, till you find the right one. Patience and mental preparation is the key..And not loosing your focus. It won’t be easy for some time. But ‘magical’ drugs that work in minutes take their big toll with them. They turn you to their slave, and you build your resistance, take more… (In my case Big Pharma wins…lol 🙂 ) Sometimes in order to get really better for good, you have to get worse first 🙁

    I learnt so much though this, to be honest! I can write a book I think 🙂 Just read about supplement called Inositol (it’s kind of a vitamine, no side effects), which is is extremely helpful in dealing with in lots of stuff like anxiety and depression. I’ve even read that heroin addicts use it too sometimes when they wanna cut, in blend with other things. I take high dose of magnesium and b-complex, and omega 3. In my case also, vigorous physical exercise helps too (releases endorphin!!) .. I hate sports, but I’d rather run for an hour than have 5 panic attacks in one afternoon :). And in any case, human support is essential also (sponsor, a group, psychologist).

    As I said, it’s a physical addiction, chemistry that tricks your brain is involved. And you have to trick your body and brain too, supply it with ‘serotonin’, ‘adrenaline’, ‘endorphine’ and whatever it lacks through other ‘channels’. It’s not the same, I repeat, but try anything that helps, preferably with a plan that reduces the addictive ‘chemistry’ to the point where you are free of it… I am sure there are ways that will work for you, and you’ll be one of the many successful stories. Don’t be discouraged cause you fail sometimes and have setbacks, most of the people dealing with addiction do.

    I focus how I wanna be my old self again, not depending on some pill to be happy. I love life, I trust life…As you, I have a lot of reasons to live for and be grateful for. Just think of all the happy moments you will share with your lovely daughter! I hope in some time we will get back here and write ‘we did it’! 🙂

    #105602
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Dear dotcom1, chains75, coachjl: I hope the original poster will come back to the thread but hasn’t so far, two and a half months after. I think your shares about addiction are powerful and would like to read more about your experiences. Maybe on your own threads (may be fitting one of the categories under “Forums”- would like to communicate with every one of you further.

    Dear marliv: I took as prescribed Klonipin, which like bromazepam is a benzodiazepine, very addictive. Took it for 17 years. At 16 years I cut it off after some reduction. I applied all the will power in the world but anxiety attacks over the two and a half months of abstaining, finally took me over the edge and I went back to it. Less than a year after, i reduced the amounts in a much more gradual way (guided by a psychiatrist this time), very very slowly and gradually and finally made it. Would like to share more about the process, if you’d like. That is if you choose to start a thread on the issue. Take good care of yourself!

    anita

    #105607
    Maria_L
    Participant

    Thank you anita, and may I add you are doing wonderful job here…

    I am aware about the need of very gradual tapering, I am doing that definitely. My first reduction was 33% (wanted to see if I can handle it, cause everyone responds differently from what my doctor said), but next one would be much smaller (no more than 20% from what I read). I only take them for two months,also under doctor’s supervision, and very small amounts (3mg per day now). I feel much better, and things are different now for me, I have (another) doctor and psychologist just around the corner, unlike 3 months ago, where I could barely reach professional help. Gives me enough comfort just knowing that 🙂 I would like to start a thread in some time when I finish all this, and maybe help more people who are dealing with (also this kind of) addiction.

    I find it helpful for now when I focus and talk about things that make me happy, I think there is nothing more therapeutic and helpful than doing something you love with joy. LidseyLou, if you read this too, don’t forget to bring some form of joy in your life, through following a passion, interest, sport, some form of art, maybe forgeten talent that waits to be re-awaked…. I have read many amazing testimonials about people that found their salvation from various problems like this…

    #105608
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Dear marliv: you are welcome and thank you for your appreciation of me. A thought I had when I read your post (before the most recent here): I felt worse, way worse after stopping Klonipin than I did before starting it. And it was because of addiction. Many people believe they feel bad when they reduce or stop a (psychiatric) drug because they need it. And then they keep taking it believing: I really need this, when in fact the bad feeling is due to addiction. Glad you realized it in your experience.

    Looking forward to your thread (will it be about … happy things, then? Something for me to look forward to!)

    anita

    #105727
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    @anita,

    You asked about my story, you can find it here: https://porniskillingme.com/porn-addiction-story/

    #105751
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear coachjl:

    I like your first post on this thread (life as a process, not a performance for “they” for one) as well as your website (clear, straight forward). I hope you are helping individuals addicted to porn and congratulations for your six year abstinence from porn.

    anita

    #118384
    John
    Participant

    I have been clean since my first NA meeting in 1983. A lot of people will disagree with what I have to say here, but its true. The key to getting and staying sober is massive amounts of meetings. I went to 3 a day the first ten years. Now I go to about 10 a week. I just see that correlation.

    But you gotta make it like going to the club. You gotta get involved with individuals there. Take them a cookie, loan them a book, flatter them. Make some anchor friends that you will look forward to seeing there. Make it fun.

    I go to various halls and lots of their events. I take donuts and laugh it up with the guys.

    Its my home away from home. And this works absolutely. Start watching the guys with 20 years. They come every day. But you are new, you need several times a day.

    And if you do that, the old-timers will see that you are serious and buddy up to you.

    You can do it once or keep screwing around.

    There is never time to do it right, but there is always time to do it over, goes the old saying.

Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.