Dear Rox:

Clearly, he was too fast to declare that you are the love of his life. He should have taken his time before declaring these things and before promising to always fight for you. I hope he learned his lesson and not repeat such premature declarations and promises.

These gave you a false sense of security with him and bring about your disappointment, understandably.

This is not only an opportunity for him to learn, it is also an opportunity for you to examine and change your behavior in the context of a relationship, the behavior of overreacting, as you call it, and starting fights. Starting fights is a way to kill love and end potentially healthy and loving relationships.

Do you have insight into what motivated you to overreact and start fights in this four month relationship?

anita

Hi Rox…I once had a g/f  that over reacted to the point where her reactions were excessive for the minor things that happened. Her reactions were explosive. These reactions were invariably followed by the requisite “I’m sorry”. This pattern continued with pendulum regularity, an explosive reaction followed by the get out of jail free card of I’m sorry. I’m trying to recall an example of a minor infraction turning into a federal offense…Here’s one…I bought some table napkins once, but didn’t open the package and put some in the napkin holder. It’s not that these over reactions kept occurring, but they were also brought out in the open months and sometimes years after the event happened. I guess it served to shore up her arsenal of emotional abuse for later use. I told her that by her continuous doing that is tantamount to hauling around a bad of trash. I told her that she needs to throw out the trash. I also told her that in talking to me that way robs her an opportunity to develop and maintain a happy healthy relationship. It got to the point where when she would react so violently where I told her that she was either looking for a fight or looking to start one. To me it seemed as though, in her mind, a fight that evolved into a you vs me showdown was mandatory in a relationship. It was not long after that, that I went my own way. To this day I will not tolerate emotional abuse. She was all upset in a bad way. She told me, “I’ll change.” I told her, “I look forward to that. You will find such love and happiness that way. But when you do, if you do, stop by some time and let me know how you’re doing and we’ll do lunch.”

I think what I am trying to say is maybe now is a perfect time for you to take a step back and have a talk with yourself, and, your self, and admit that “yes this is how my reaction affects not only me but others as well.” There is absolutely nothing wrong in doing that. When I did that, it made a HUGE difference in my life. I constantly have my fingers on that pulse. Have a talk with yourself, Rox. Throw out the trash. It will make a lot more room in that huge heart that I KNOW you have that will make more room for someone special for you to hold.

Pearce

Dear Rox:

I suppose your relationship with a parent (or parents) was one where you felt unsafe and fearful. As an adult you project your fear into the relationship, see dangers where there is none (the MC), get angry at him and demand that he corrects his behavior and make you feel safe. Problem is there was no danger, he did no wrong (again, in the MC example), and it is not his behavior that needs correcting.

For as long as you automatically project your childhood fear (and anger) into romantic relationships, you are unable to see the man for who he is (trustworthy or not, loving or not). This childhood projection is like a big, dark cloud overshadowing the man. So you can’t see who he is.

Do you agree with my understanding?

anita

Hi Rox…Believe me, I have a lot of damage control to do on me as well and it actually feels good knowing that I am, as I say, throwing out the trash too. It has made me a lot more room to grow in ways that I had not expected. One of the concerns that I think that the guy you had been dating was that he may have felt that your adverse reactions were more present than what he had visions for, presumably visions of being with a good looking kind woman like you. They may have been so frequent that he pondered how long this will go on, will it get any better etc. From what he may have experienced was he felt that yes, this will continue and no, it won’t get any better. For the most part he is shell shocked and feels that by continuing his relationship with you he would continue to be subject to these negative reactions too often to warrant him to go on. I’m just speculating.

I am curious. In what ways was he perfect for you? While it may be true that you were “the love of his life and that he would always fight for us”, his threshold of tolerance has/is/was not as great as you hoped it would be. That may be due to experiences he had to grow up with and therefore became part of who he is, but again I don’t know him. I agree 100% with Anita that “For as long as you automatically project your childhood fear (and anger) into romantic relationships, you are unable to see the man for who he is (trustworthy or not, loving or not). This childhood projection is like a big, dark cloud overshadowing the man. So you can’t see who he is.” It makes perfect sense, to me anyway. As long as he has chosen to disengage from your relationship with him, for reasons that are protective to him, I cannot see how you can fix things with him. For that to happen, you need to fix things with you first. I am not so sure that it was only that you messed things up per se. I think it is also an issue of not being compatible in the first place and so how your reactions set the stage for the breakup, to couple that with being incompatible is a toxic situation. I also believe that you should move on with the knowledge that you have learned many things about yourself. I think that going back to him so soon would sabotage your relationship further for many reasons. First and foremost forgive yourself, love yourself even more and recognize that none of us is perfect, and make a conscious effort to weed out the things you have harbored for a long time. Those things have not served you well in any capacity. They have only hurt you. Just as important, wish him well and hope for a happy journey wherever he goes in life. Because this ending was so painful for you I think that you now realize what you must do for you. And I know you will. To answer your last question, no. I would not date her again. It’s that could have/would have/should have thing. I have moved on in my life and the changes I have made and continue to make are incredibly exciting to me. Those memories are still close, although I am not affected by them in any way. I will not compromise myself by thinking things are better with her, even though I have forgiven her. If anything, please know that there are some truly amazing people here for you, myself included.