Dear anita,

I don’t want to go back. It got me stressed that he wrote to me. I couldn’t sleep and my heart is still racing.

But I offered him to talk about everything, if he wants to, because I got worried that he wasn’t doing well. He wrote we can talk tomorrow. I answered we can talk, he can let me know when he has time. He only responded “I will let you know.” and I don’t intend on answering this anymore, only if he really wants to talk. Because in the case that he wasn’t a bad person, I would like to give him the opportunity to talk about everything. It might have been wrong. But I definitely don’t want to start any thing more than a final phone call with him again…

Regarding my father and grandmother: I don’t spend so much time with them any more. I seldomly see my grandmother. But I talk to my father once a week. This Christmas I visited them for a week. I got the feeling that they thought it wasn’t enough time and that they were disappointed. My mother asked me when I will come to visit them once the semester is over and to celebrate my birthday. I feel pressured…

I’m glad your leg it getting better. It must be hard to be taken out of your routine! Hopefully you can still find some other things to do that make you feel well!

Now I will go and meet a friend. See you later or on another day!

Dear anita,

I do not respond anymore… I don’t even understand why he would tell me that he is not feeling good. To look better? He didn’t even ask how I was at first (he did later).

Dear anita,

hm, I don’t think that this is what happened here. I mean it wasn’t necessary for him to tell me that he wasn’t feeling good. I don’t think he did this. The feeling I have was that at first, he was interested in  me. Maybe just for sex, I don’t know. He was really busy. I also didn’t ask for anything. At that point I thought that I will become more of a part of his life, once we get to know each other better.

After he moved away, the two times he wanted to visit me failed. Once, he informed me the same day he wanted to visit me, but I had other plans. Then I tried to please everyone and suggested that we could still see each other after I was back and that he could spend the night. That must have seemed very strange. He declined that offer. But if all he would have wanted was sex, it would have been easy to say yes to this. So this was decent of him. O.K.: this actually could confirm your theory: the next day he told me he was losing, faith, which had me worried. So I asked him if I can do anything for him, if I should come to visit him. But he declined.

The second time he wanted to visit me, he also only told me one or two days before. But I was sick and got worried of infecting him, which is why I informed him of my illness. Then he didn’t respond, only a few hours before we were supposed to meet. And he didn’t express clearly if he wanted to meet me or not, only said that he was “on his way”. But after he hadn’t answered me, I assumed that he didn’t want to meet me. Also him not answering me had made me feel stressed and crazy and I was in a bad mood. So in my reply to him I also didn’t ask specifically if he still wanted to see me and didn’t say what I want. Later I asked him if he wanted to talk more about what happened, but he ignored this question.

So then he often only wrote to me saying “how are you”, answering me, but not really answering me. Not telling me anything about his life. Sometimes he seemed more interested again and we had a phone call (by the way, I had to call him most of the time, because he didn’t have the money he said…). On the phone, he asked when I will come to visit him, but we said we would plan this out later. When I later inquired when I should come for a visit, he ignored it. I later asked again (which I regret now, I feel like I pushed myself onto him), so we found a date for our meeting. It didn’t go so well, I was very uncomfortable.

After the visit he went back to giving me his non-answers. I guess I should have gotten the hint. But once I also asked him directly if he was still interested and he said he had just been sick. Then I saw that he was “single” on facebook, which led to the phone call which ended it.

My impression: he wanted to end it sooner, but didn’t have the guts to tell me. He said some times to me, that he wants no problems. Also said “life is easy”. My interactions with him were stressful and not easy, so he wanted out of it. That is also what he said on the phone: “A relationship should be nice, not always stressful.”

He seems like a person, who wants to appear good. He seems to avoid to talk about problems. On the phone it seemed like he didn’t tell the whole truth. He acted like I was asking for too much of his time, which doesn’t make sense. He had time to talk to others, when I was with him…

I feel guilty for pushing myself onto him too much, but on the other hand, he still kept replying, he could have said “stop” too. Instead he left hints, also said that he was just too busy and that everyone was angry at him for not replying back.

I also feel guilty for dating, when having my own psychological problems to resolve. It was irresponsible of me, but I thought that a relationship (yes, I know this was none) could be possible for me. I feel sorry for stressing him. At least I have learned my lesson.

So this is what I think happened. does it make sense? I still feel confused.

At least I don’t think I am not the only person who did wrong. I still have feelings of guilt.

I am sorry for still writing so much about this. Hopefully I can move on soon, focus what is really important for my life.

Dear anita,

the good thing is that it is over. Yes, I wish he would have been more honest to me. Even if he would have just told me that he doesn’t want this any more, it would have been better.

Maybe I should stop worrying so much about him, and focus on myself more. It is over now, that’s what is most important.

Do you also feel distressed, when communicating with me? In any case, I thank you for your patience. And please tell me, when it is too much for you and you need a break!

• This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Lily.

Dear anita,

yes, it does make sense to me. Thank you for your honesty. And thank you for always trying to help me out!

I hope I will make better decisions in the future, so you can see that your efforts were worth it. I hope I will learn to become more confident. It gives me hope that you could overcome your problems.

I can see that it must be frustrating, because I am making the same mistakes over and over again. Sometimes I get really confused. But I learned a few things from communicating with you. Sometimes I did not put them into practice, but I hope it gets better and better from now on.

Yes, I thank you also for being empathetic towards me. Most people don’t do this, they only see the problems. But you are different.

And I don’t know if you read my last edit, but you can really tell me when it becomes too much for you, when you need a break.