Dear anita,

I forgot to answer about feeling weird and crazy. Some part of me says, that I’m not that crazy. But another part thinks, that sometimes I act weird. For example, I walked out of a class when a professor was scolding someone (I thought she meant me, but later I found out that she meant other students). Or I often feel that I’m difficult. When I’m stressed, sometimes I react difficult. And I feel like I have so many problems.

I don’t know, maybe I will come back to that question later, now I’m just thinking about what happened with this guy.

Dear anita,

thank you, I already feel a little bit better now.

I also thought that it was the right decision not to cancel my plans. And asked him to please tell me earlier next time, if he wants to visit me. He also said he would do so. Today I also talked to my therapist about it and she also agreed that it was a good decision.

Actually, I was a bit annoyed that he thought he can contact me or visit me whenever he pleases…Only when he said that he wasn’t feeling well I doubted my choice. I would really like to help him, but if he doesn’t want my help, I can’t do anything. I think it could have something to do with conflicts in his home country, he posted a lot about it online lately. Tomorrow I want to write a longer message to him explaining my thoughts and telling him that I want to be there for him, if he wants me to. And I want to suggest that I could visit him next weekend, if he likes. But I don’t know… Is this too much?

I want to help him, but at the same time it gets on my nerves that he starts talking about how he doesn’t feel well or lost his belief, then he doesn’t explain further and just goes offline…. Somehow he seems to want my help and somehow he doesn’t. Then I start to worry. But okay, maybe he really isn’t well and that’s why he is behaving like that. But I guess I worry too much and you’re right, it’s not my job to find out what’s happening with him, if he doesn’t tell me.

For now I will try to sleep myself…

Have a good day!

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Lily.

Dear anita,

hm, o.K., I have to confess that I already sent the message… I asked him again about what happened and if it has anything to do with the problems at his home country. I also suggested that I could come visit him, if he likes, but that it’s also o.K. if he doesn’t want that.

He responded that he is very thankful, but that he thinks I can’t help him. And that it has to do with the situation at his home country, his family and his health that he isn’t doing well. He said that I can’t visit him yet, but soon it’s possible. As he still lives with his cousin, he doesn’t have his own room. He also said that he was also thinking a lot about me. And he used a lot of emojis…

And I also wrote that he can reach out to me, if he needs anything and thanked him for sharing what happened. Then I wished him a good day and said I hope we can meet again soon to talk about everything.

Now I’m a little worried that I pressured him too much with my questions. Maybe in the future, I should always wait before he replies back and only send another message then.

I still have a lot of problems with boundaries, it seems…

Dear anita,

somehow I always try to find out what others want from me. And then I even forget what I want for myself. I have a very hard time getting over this behaviour pattern. But I’ve already realized that it is not a healthy behaviour when it comes to relationships. It’s not beneficial for me and also not really for the other person.

He only lives with his cousin because he just moved to a new city. He still has to find a place for himself and that’s often not so easy in big cities. When it comes to his health problems, I don’t know what the nature of the problem is. Does he just have a cold or is it more serious? I don’t know. He told me that he was sick a lot during his childhood, but that he has barely gotten sick since he moved to Germany.

I like about him that he is so kind and caring. He is always there for his friends and helps them (at least that’s what he told me). He treats others with respect.. When I’m with him, he is usually very affectionate. He also seems very determined. He has his goals and works to achieve them.

But the communication between us is really not improving much. I’m awkward and sometimes don’t find the right words, and he doesn’t reach out to me very often, since he has gone to another place. He often ignores my questions about how he is doing. Maybe he doesn’t want to show his more vulnerable side or doesn’t trust me enough. Or he is just going through a hard phase. But he is not letting me in either. And he lives relatively far away, that makes it even harder. I don’t know how to make this work, if our communication doesn’t improve.

I don’t really understand him. At one hand, he says he is thinking a lot about me and he wants to see me. He wanted to do something together and then sleep over at my place (doesn’t sound like he wanted to end it). On the other hand, he doesn’t contact me often or tell me much about what is going on in his life. He is always busy with his work, studies, family and friends. I wonder, am I part of this circle of friends? I feel like I’m only getting crumbs of his attention. Of course, we don’t know each other that long, but how can we get to know each other better, if we don’t talk more or meet?

Maybe it is like you said and he is not really capable or available for a relationship.

Dear anita,

I don’t want to worry about what others think all the time anymore. And I also don’t want to negate my own wants and feelings anymore…

At the moment I feel a lot of pain. I’m a bit disgusted with myself. I don’t want to do things because I feel obligated. It’s not a genuine and honest way of communication. Why did I ask him to spend the night without even being able to see him before that? I did not really want that. I was very tired and it also wouldn’t have made me feel good about myself. I don’t want to be this person anymore and humiliate myself anymore. Like I have no self – respect! So sick.

When he said that he wasn’t feeling well, I just got very strong feelings. Like I need to do something to help. I needed to make him feel better, be there for him, visit him. But was that really what I wanted? Was that genuine? I do genuinely like him. But I overstepped my own boundaries again and again. I don’t want to make this a toxic relationship…. And to be honest, when I write that, I mainly think about him again. That I don’t want to hurt him.

Often I felt that my own feelings don’t matter and that I can take it if I get hurt. It’s okay if I get hurt, just never hurt others. That is my way of thinking. It’s hard to break away from that.

Maybe I’m not capable of a relationship right now and maybe he also isn’t. We communicated more yesterday, but then I had to go because of a meeting of our floor of our dormitory. I said I have to go there quickly. Hopefully he didn’t wait for me… I already feel bad again. And I also didn’t want to go to this meeting… I’m so done with fulfilling the expectations of others.

Why is it so hard to respect myself and my feelings? I feel kind of crazy. I wanted to be more courageous and make new experiences, so I ignored my gut feelings when he asked me for my phone number (not because he gave me a bad impression, I just don’t feel good about giving out my phone number so quickly). Or maybe it was even just because I didn’t know how to say no. And I agreed to go for a walk with him, even though I didn’t feel like it, on the same day. I let things happen too fast. And now it is all weird and strange.

I really do like him. I am impressed how he took on responsibility early in life. And he seems so calm and kind… I don’t want to hurt him. And I don’t want to hurt myself.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Lily.

Dear anita,

thank you for always reading my messages and replying and understanding. It is comforting to know that others also go through similar things and that I’m not alone in this. It seems like you understand me. Most of the time people just look at my mistakes and judge me. At least it has happened often in the past. But you have real empathy. I hope this is not all too depressing to read.And how are you doing? Sometimes this thread feels too onesided…

I think this idea to pause before making a decision is a very good one. In the past I tried this, but wasn’t very successful. For example when someone calls and wants something from me, I say yes too quickly. I have to still work on this. You are right, it will take time. Maybe sometimes I’m too impatient. I look at others, and they are so much farther ahead in life. Or maybe it also just seems like it from the outside. Maybe they have other problems. Maybe they had a happier family when growing up…

Today I was thinking a lot about this guy again. I don’t know how to go further with him. I’m scared that I will hurt him.I would like to change our way of communicating. Be more honest. I would like to understand him better and get to know him better. He always said “we already know each other” when I said that I want to get to know him better. I don’t know what that means… Maybe nothing… Or should I just end it, before we both get very hurt?? I don’t want to hurt him at all.

Today his sister looked at me weirdly and when I said hello she didn’t reply. I think she doesn’t like me. At this floor meeting we all had to pick a name by lot of one of our flatmates, Someone had the idea to give presents to one flatmate each. And when she read her name she was really disappointed and said ” Oh no. Can I change the name?” I think she probably picked me. And when we took a group photo, we had to take it again, because I wasn’t visible. I feel like I’m only causing problems…. But maybe I’m just thinking too much… In any case, I want to try to stay calm and act normal around her. But also I don’t want to spend that much time in the community rooms anymore (well, I never spent that much time there).

I’m too complicated. Thank you for your advice. It helped me much!

Dear anita,

I’m glad that you feel our conversation isn’t one sided. It helps me to talk to you and hear your perspective. Your advice is very valuable to me. It has helped me to see things from another perspective and it also has calmed me down at times. To know that it is okay that I’m only making slow progress has helped me. And I think I’m honest and sincere here. Sadly, in real life, I don’t always tell people how I feel in such an honest way. Sometimes I tell them things they want to hear, to please them… I’m afraid that, if they get to see my more broken side, they will be disgusted with me and judge me.

The way he made it sound that he already knows me, it sounded more like a compliment. Like we’re already close. But it doesn’t make sense to me. He also said “I love you” very quickly and wanted me to say it. But maybe this was because of sex…

We didn’t communicate much during the last weeks. Only after I sent him the message, that I want to help him, he sent me a more animated message. He seemed happy. And then on the next day we had a more vivid conversation (all through text messages). But then I had to go to that meeting and it took so long… On the next day I asked him how he was and he again didn’t tell me much about himself. For example I asked him: “How was your day?” He replied: “It was good… Thank you, what about you?” So I only replied: “Thank you. It was o.K.” in a similar matter, because he didn’t seem interested in a conversation. I don’t know if it was stupid of me to reply like that, but he also didn’t engage in the conversation much. After that he didn’t answer any more. Maybe I also shouldn’t contact him any more, if he doesn’t reply first? Or was I just being too cold?

Was he angry that I went to that meeting? I said “I just have to quickly go to this meeting”, but then it took longer. Hopefully he didn’t wait for me. But he also doesn’t say if it bothered him. I also said that I would like to help him, but now I don’t know how. Maybe he is disappointed. If he lived at the same place, we could meet and talk, but it’s not possible with him far away. Communicating through text messages doesn’t work very well. Or I can ask, if we want to talk on the phone… But I’m not sure if he is really interested in talking to me? I don’t want to force  him into something he doesn’t want.-

When we met last time,. he talked about how he never wants to hurt people. Also, everyone seems to want something from him. Even when we were together, someone was always calling. He told me how he helps people from his country that are new in Germany. And he also emptied his bank account to help a friend of his. Now he told me, that he has financial problems. These things lead me to believe that he is also a people pleaser and doesn’t know how to set boundaries himself. I wonder if he wants to end our relationship (or I don’t know what it is), but doesn’t want want to hurt me or something. I would like to have a more honest conversation with him, but not via text message, better in person…

I’m guessing and wondering a lot about him…

About hurting him. I fear that I hurt him because I’m too cold or don’t show enough of my true self. I’m usually polite and friendly, but it’s hard for me to just be myself with most people. Or because I didn’t establish my boundaries and made it into an unhealthy relationship. That I wasn’t honest enough and said things I didn’t mean. Or that I promised help, but now I’m not helping. Or that I’m not there for him enough? Or that I’m just too mentally ill and will drag him down… Today when I was thinking about it after I saw his sister, I felt like: yes I am very toxic. I’m a horrible person and will only hurt him… I wish I could just fall in love and enjoy it….