- This topic has 266 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 3 days, 1 hour ago by
anita.
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January 15, 2026 at 7:02 pm #454212
NicholeParticipantHi Anita,
I am sorry. The last two weeks have seemed to slip away. Between my Dad’s passing and starting a new job I wasn’t sure what was up or down. I am feeling better than I have in a while today. I can think more clearly.
I love the name Bogart for your beagle 🙂
How am I feeling about attending the funeral? I go back and forth with that question. I have calmed down a lot since I last wrote about having the conversation with my brothers. Since then I have been very much keeping my space while still discussing the events. Protecting my space and peace. Today I did call Daniel (my brother, middle one). Had to ask him a question. That lasted longer than I expected. I was feeling generous so I listened to his feelings about my Dad etc. Once I felt uneasy I ended the call in a nice way.
I feel so many mixed emotions. The complex grief with my Dad, the idea of seeing all of this family and extended family and long time friends of Dad’s is overwhelming. But with so many mixed emotions I have decided that I cannot make a clear decision. So it seems the best one I can make is to attend, knowing that I can excuse myself from any conversation. I can make calls to people who love me and who can keep me grounded. I can write here to you. I can keep an earbud in my ear with my peaceful podcasts or something similar. I can imagine I was a little girl on a trip and play the mother role and keep myself safe as can be. I am sure it will not be perfect but I can make the best of it.January 15, 2026 at 7:32 pm #454213
anitaParticipantDear Nichole:
So very, very good to read from you!
You sound healthy, mentally and emotionally, in this challenging situation.
You are wise and resilient. I am impressed by you, in awe, really!
I’ll reply further in the morning 🌄.
Good night (7:32 pm here, 10:32 pm in FL.
🤍 Anita
January 16, 2026 at 9:24 am #454230anitaParticipantDear Nichole:
Bogart and I say hi 🐶 👋 🙂. We’ll both be here for you when you are in Chicago, as well as before and after.
I am glad you’ve been feeling better and thinking more clearly, and that you have a plan in regard to the stay in Chicago:
1. “I can excuse myself from any conversation.”
2. “I can make calls to people who love me and who can keep me grounded.”
3. “I can write here to you.”
4. “I can keep an earbud in my ear with my peaceful podcasts or something similar.”
5. “I can imagine I was a little girl on a trip and play the mother role and keep myself safe as can be.”-
Excellent 5-part plan, Nichole 🌟💫 🫱🫲
The idea occurred to me that if you can arrange for flexibility in regard to flying back to FL, that is, if you can leave Chicago earlier than planned, if needed, when needed, that could be part of the plan?
🤍 Anita
January 21, 2026 at 5:40 pm #454397anitaParticipantBogart and I are thinking about you, Nichole.. well, at least I am. How are you???
January 27, 2026 at 3:34 pm #454632NicholeParticipantHi Anita!
Sorry,I cannot believe it has been almost 2 weeks since I last wrote to you. I remember writing that last post and it feels like yesterday. Planning the wake and attending it made time fly it seems.
I have been back home since last night from Chicago.
I made it home alive!
How did it go? Well the wake portion went well. It was very full and I saw more people than I ever imagined I would. It was overwhelming and I stayed very busy with many people greeting me. There was a celebration after the wake in which I think I stayed a bit longer than I should. I felt a little bit like I had been in that blender we talked about before. But when I noticed I left, and without worrying about being perfect and saying goodbye etc.
My family I believe tried very hard to be loving and so did I. I stood my ground on what I had to give. Very proud of myself. I also presented a speech and I was so nervous but when I got up there it just started to flow and I got it done and received many compliments on it.Really I am glad it’s over but also very sad about my Dad. I am confused about my brothers and just sad about the whole situation.
How are you and little Bogart??
January 27, 2026 at 5:15 pm #454640anitaParticipantDear Nichole:
Wow 👌 Nichole, you did so well in Chicago. No wonder you are very proud of yourself, I would be too if I was you 😊
I am glad to read you stood your grounds on what you had to give! 👏
I understand you are sad about your dad and the whole situation. Please 🙏 direct your empathy toward yourself. You suffered enough. You don’t deserve to suffer any more.
If you noticed, my message includes emojis, that’s because I am using my phone 📱 and the emojis appear automatically.
The reason I am not using my computer is that Bogart broke it 😢
Currently he is having the time of his life chewing on a real lamb bone 🍖
Don’t be a stranger, Nichole. Post anytime you want to talk.
Anita and Bogart 👩 🐕
February 6, 2026 at 7:03 pm #455002anitaParticipantHow are you, Nichole, 10 days since you posted last?
February 8, 2026 at 10:06 am #455024NicholeParticipantHi Anita,
Well, I am less positive about the situation. And mainly because I have ruminated on many of the little moments that were hurtful. It has been hard to understand why I even went. My family treats me poorly. It has been that way since I first wrote you and yet I continue to engage. Not recently, just in general. I work on myself a bit and create this stable atmosphere and then I get this idea that I can help change my family or “I am strong enough” to be in the environment again, or maybe if I do this or say this etc than I will finally get the secure attachment I am looking for. I logically know they cannot provide it but I guess I need to get even deeper with myself to understand that my family and I are heading in two different directions and the most it may end up is an email, or card once a year. That really hurts me.
Now I know that playing the victim is not beneficial for my healing and will only keep me stuck but to be honest this is how I want to answer the question how are you doing?
I am so sad. I am so hurt that people in my family are mean to me. I show up and genuinely try to engage and love them and get met with insults and undercover slights. There were many of those slights, some that were so painful I don’t know how I did not run out the door crying at that moment. I had to eat that pain. Yes, I did do a better job than in the past. Armoring myself and trying to stay away from as much harm as possible by standing my ground but I am a little upset with myself for even being in that environment. I am numb and haven’t felt like myself lately. I have not felt the same as when I left since I came back. And I know that I will build myself back up but I am disappointed.
I feel like a sap, stuck in rumination and depressed this past week.
Sorry I never got back to your last message. Did you get your computer fixed, or a new one?
Wow a real lamb bone, sounds like a nice treat for the little Bogart.February 8, 2026 at 10:39 am #455025anitaParticipantDear Nichole:
No. I did not get a new computer nor had the old one fixed. I am often using my phone (like right now), or when I have access (mostly in the mornings), I use the only other computer available.
Reading your update made me think of something I posted about a short while ago: Trauma Bonding. If your family gave you nothing but abuse then you wouldn’t be attached to them.
It’s the intermittent- once in a while, however rare- affection/ positive input that they give you (?) that keeps you emotionally attached.
Is it?
🤍 🤔` Anita
February 20, 2026 at 9:35 am #455370NicholeParticipantHi Anita,
I agree with trauma bonds being what I am likely experiencing. I have been bingeing videos on YouTube and it’s not my first time researching the topic. It is something I have to listen to over and over in order to move on from the situation. I have decided to block my family members again. They do have access through email and I will keep it that way. I am feeling depressed lately but still hopeful I will be happier again. I am going to start a new thread soon. Truly moving on and creating a foundation for my life. Finding out who I am. I am excited for that.
How are you and Bogart?
February 20, 2026 at 9:49 am #455372anitaParticipantDear Nichole:
Blocking 🚫 them sounds like a healthy choice for you!
I hope 🙏 that your depression lifts soon. Maybe your new thread (I am excited about it) will help.
Bogart is a fast walker who’s been taking me for walks dog 🐕 < — <🚶♀️ , often pulling, stopping and changing directions, which resulted in my shoulders hurting 😳, so I am on a quest to train him to walk slower.
Talking about blocking family, over 10 years ago I joined Facebook for the first and last time. Last, because a cousin reached me after decades of not being in contact with her. I freaked out and deactivated my few days long experience with Facebook (it could have been 1 day).
When do you think you’ll start a new thread?
🤍🚶♀️🐕 Anita
February 22, 2026 at 7:30 pm #455386anitaParticipantHow are you this Sun night 🌙 10:30 pm Florida time, Nichole?
I just “harassed” Bogart the Beagle, that is, showed him some loving attention. We all need that, don’t we 🙂
🤔 Anita
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