Hi Anita,

I am sorry. The last two weeks have seemed to slip away. Between my Dad’s passing and starting a new job I wasn’t sure what was up or down. I am feeling better than I have in a while today. I can think more clearly.

I love the name Bogart for your beagle 🙂

How am I feeling about attending the funeral? I go back and forth with that question. I have calmed down a lot since I last wrote about having the conversation with my brothers. Since then I have been very much keeping my space while still discussing the events. Protecting my space and peace. Today I did call Daniel (my brother, middle one). Had to ask him a question. That lasted longer than I expected. I was feeling generous so I listened to his feelings about my Dad etc. Once I felt uneasy I ended the call in a nice way.
I feel so many mixed emotions. The complex grief with my Dad, the idea of seeing all of this family and extended family and long time friends of Dad’s is overwhelming. But with so many mixed emotions I have decided that I cannot make a clear decision. So it seems the best one I can make is to attend, knowing that I can excuse myself from any conversation. I can make calls to people who love me and who can keep me grounded. I can write here to you. I can keep an earbud in my ear with my peaceful podcasts or something similar. I can imagine I was a little girl on a trip and play the mother role and keep myself safe as can be. I am sure it will not be perfect but I can make the best of it.

Hi Anita!

Sorry,I cannot believe it has been almost 2 weeks since I last wrote to you. I remember writing that last post and it feels like yesterday. Planning the wake and attending it made time fly it seems.

I have been back home since last night from Chicago.

I made it home alive!

How did it go? Well the wake portion went well. It was very full and I saw more people than I ever imagined I would. It was overwhelming and I stayed very busy with many people greeting me. There was a celebration after the wake in which I think I stayed a bit longer than I should. I felt a little bit like I had been in that blender we talked about before. But when I noticed I left, and without worrying about being perfect and saying goodbye etc.
My family I believe tried very hard to be loving and so did I. I stood my ground on what I had to give. Very proud of myself. I also presented a speech and I was so nervous but when I got up there it just started to flow and I got it done and received many compliments on it.

Really I am glad it’s over but also very sad about my Dad. I am confused about my brothers and just sad about the whole situation.

How are you and little Bogart??