Dear Nichole:

It is a pleasure to read you being so clear, sensible, logical as in your recent post. It’s good to read you are still these things, clear, sensible, logical even though you’ve been suffering so much and for so long. But oh, do I wish you stop suffering any and all unecessary suffering. I wish you will experience a changed and significantly improved state of mind in this fast approaching new year.

Regarding the question I had for you, your answer (first 4 sentences)- in that new state of mind of 2020, I do hope you are clear about the issue of responsibility, that is, who is responsible for what. When someone does wrong you, he or she is responsible for that, not you. The victim of a wrong act is not responsible for it because of not defending herself well enough or asserting herself. It is still the one doing the wrong who is responsible. I read and re-read your posts in your various threads many times over months and longer. And I have no doubt that you are not responsible whatsoever to anything at all that happened to your mother. Even when you screamed at her as an adult, you are not responsible for that either.

If only I could make you believe what I wrote right above, something I believe to be true and real, I bet a lot of your suffering will be gone.

As to your question to me, the question is: are your “flashbacks and nightmares and horrible anxiety with a mean inner critic… old behavior but back in full affect since recent events with family” (as in PTSD symptoms)?

My answer: yes, I do believe that your flashbacks, nightmares, horrible anxiety and mean inner critic are the symptoms of a terrible trauma that you suffered. It is my best understanding that the center of this trauma is a combination of your life with your mother and her recent death.

Back to the issue of responsibility I brought up earlier in this post, you are not responsible for her life or her death. What your younger brother said during that meeting, blaming you regarding your mother’s death, was the worst thing he could have said to you, hitting you where it hurts the most. And so, his words were enough to bring back the old guilt, self blame, that “mean inner critic”, bring these back in all their force.

Let me know what you think of my answer and we can take it from there, if you want.

anita

Dear Nichole:

You are welcome. I read just a bit of your recent post, will re-read attentively when I am back to the computer in about 14 hours from now and reply to you then. I hope you sleep well tonight.

anita

Dear Nichole:

I am glad that you are more clear regarding your mother, that you know that you bear no (zero) responsibility for neither her life nor her death.

Regarding your father and two brothers, you wrote: “years of abuse and manipulative from my brothers.. he has manipulated me through life as well and that is a truth I don’t want to face because it makes me feel like what is the point? Is there a different life of no abuse and real love out there?”-

– the point to facing this truth, that you were abused and manipulated for years by two brothers, is to free yourself from suffering, and sooner than later, have that “different life of no abuse and real love” that you want to experience.

May 2020 be the 2nd beginning, a 2nd chapter in your life, one where you turn away from all the people who have abused and manipulated you, all of them, and turn toward honest, kind and respectful people.

anita

Dear Nichole:

I envy you now, being in Florida, 74 degrees in Miami, I read, 76 in Orlando, Fl. On the other hand, where I am at, it is 31 degrees, about 13″ snow on the ground, and strong snow winds. Can’t leave the house, can’t drive, and I live outside the city limit, no city services here, such as snow plows. So.. oh, I took a walk the day before yesterday, slipped on ice, fell flat on my back and  bruised my chest muscles significantly. So.. yes, I see the advantage of Florida as I sit here, listening to the heavy duty winds.

But don’t get me wrong, Nichole, I truly and sincerely am glad you moved down to Florida from Chicago. Make the best of it, away from the pain of the past and toward a better life. One day, one step at a time, forward.

anita