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When is this going to end?

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  • #41435
    Kim
    Participant

    Really getting tired of feeling this way. I have days that are good and I feel I’ve made a little progress and then days where I’m reminded of everything about us and what I will never have again and it leaves me laying on the floor crying for hours. I’ve been struggling the last few days. Really missing him and wanting him back. Why would I want someone back who didn’t treat me that well? Did he treat me that way because I allowed it? If I would have spoken up more and not been so afraid of losing him would it have mattered? Why couldn’t he have given it a chance? We never really talked about anything. He had made his decision and that was that. I’m feeling that I will not find anyone else. Everyone says that once I start being happy with my life then it will happen. I honestly don’t believe that at all. How am I suppossed to be happy when I keep thinking about him? and wanting him back? The whole dating site thing is a joke. I’ve been on there for a couple of weeks and it’s depressing. Maybe I’m not ready to open myself up fully for someone and all I see when I look at the profiles is “it’s not him”. He is still on there but not been very active…so of course I think he’s found someone. Why is this so freaking hard for me to accept it is over, to not have hope that he will come back, and just to let him go? He was such a big part of my life and I can’t let it go. Everything reminds me of him and of us. I want this sorrow to end, I want to be happy and move on. I’m so, so, so sad and I don’t feel like I’m ever going to come out of this. I don’t know what else to do.

    #41439
    Buddhist Wife
    Participant

    Hello Kim,

    Sorry to hear you are still feeling sad.

    Perhaps you are right and you should give the dating sites a miss for now? It doesn’t seem to be helping your right now.

    From my own limited experience I believe that you will move on and you will feel better one day because nothing in this Universe is permanent. One day you’ll be doing something and you’ll suddenly realise that you haven’t thought of him for days. Then weeks and then months.

    It’s boring and practical advice and perhaps it will get your back up a little but it is all I can suggest because it works for me. You need to get out there. Not dating ‘out there’ but just out there doing stuff. Go to parties, read books, start a project, do crafts, learn an instrument. Just fill the time a bit more skillfully because negative brooding can create a downward spiral.

    I wish you all the best Kim.

    #41440
    Matt
    Participant

    Kim,

    Loneliness is tough to confront and heal. There is a sense that “he made me happy” and “without him my heart is broken”. Im sorry for the difficulties and painfulness that you’re experiencing… and as you grieve, I hope you find some peace.

    Kim, he didn’t make you happy. You fought, he was a jerk, and on and on the intimacy was painful for both of you. But, it was better than being alone. Alone there is only Kim to console you, and perhaps because you don’t like yourself very much, you reach again and again to this vision of him as the source of your warm feelings… because reaching out to Kim isn’t helpful. When you do, she just beats you up for not saying the right things, for not being good enough for him, for being pathetic and crying on the floor… how impatient she is with you! How critical!

    The solution is perhaps developing self love. Consider restarting the nurturing activities you’ve been neglecting, and try to be gentle with your body. Give it tender and special food, such as sitting in nature, gentle music, healthy meals, and the space to grieve. Show your body the care and attention it deserves. You are beautiful, slowly healing and grieving, and eventually you’ll feel right as rain.

    This notion that arises that “I’ll never be in love again” is a canker, a delusion. You so deeply, codependently, attached to the ex that the loss is producing a lot of spinning in your mind and heart. Its normal and usual for that to happen. When I got divorced, I not only thought I would never find love, but I said to myself “I don’t even want to bother trying.” That was just me being stubborn and foolish, and as the heart tantrum settled, not only did I find love, but I found that what in had with my first wife was ugly in comparison.

    Please be patient with yourself. The rise and falling of stability is normal and usual. Just try your best to breathe through the down days, and play on the fun ones. It will heal, you’ll stabilize, and find your love again.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #41470
    CM
    Participant

    Kim,

    I am going through something similar. What Matt said is the absolute truth and could not be worded any better. Follow his words and advice, how can you love someone else when you don’t love yourself. Change is hard and we naturally fight it, but it will heal you in time. Good luck to you…

    #41480
    Nga
    Participant

    Matt,

    Thank you for your your comments on this site. You are a great teacher and healer. I’ve learned a lot from reading your comments in my most difficult time. You should all have a friend like you in our lives. Thank you.

    #41481
    Nga
    Participant

    Sorry. I meant “We.”

    #41483
    Matt
    Participant

    You are very welcome, and thanks for the kind words! The trick is I get matt out of the way and share whatever comes up. Namaste friend. Feel free to post if/when you’re ready. 🙂

    #41487
    Barbara
    Participant

    Kim.

    Please for your own sake, get off the same dating site as your ex – to check his progress is a path to misery.

    When you are feeling stronger you could try dating , and any dating sites other than that one. I can only say that for me that woud kill me to see that, so as an outsider – you are hitting yourself in the head by even hanging around to see what he is doing. Please dont do that to yourself.

    I will have to go through the grief and heartache too soon – as my relationship is in big trouble, so I feel your pain, as I also, like most of us have been through that before. Its painful, disgusting, makes us feel like we will never survive – but we do.

    This too will pass is the cliched but true nugget I have for you !! So familliar, and so true – last time I went through it I nearly lost my head, but the point is I did’nt, I survived, as do us all. Even though It is so awful and sevastating at the time.

    When you do the dating site thing and you are still devastated and trying to heal – no wonder you are disgusted. It all looks trivial, shallow and you are thinking of the one you were with, looking at the profiles !! Stop torturing yourself, that is mean and cruel to yourself. Let that go until you are truly ready. Now you need comfort – cosy pyjamas, blankets, hot meals, candles, walks, meeting friends. Cry, grieve and try to believe that it will get better. Im telling you the advice tha t I hope I can do for myself, as a fellow human being. 🙂

    I am going to have to do it too, and it is awful, Im dreading it. We need our friends, and we need to keep busy. If he is the one – the one that the universe wants you to be with , you will come back together somehow. But maybe when you feel better you will get so strong and happy that you won’t want to go back.

    Hugs,
    Namaste
    Barbs.

    #41564
    Kim
    Participant

    Thank you everyone for the advice. It’s hard for me to process and accept that he really is gone and moved on. Every morning is the same feeling. That sickening feeling, knowing that we are no longer together, and that it is all out of my control. His profile is gone off the dating site. This after spending a weekend away with a couple of our mutual friends, with someone. So, I guess that means he has found someone. I still miss him and stupidly would want him back.

    Matt, you are so correct to say that I am very critical of myself. I beat myself up for feeling so sad about someone who obviously didn’t treat me very well, or want to try and make it work and doesn’t want me. Nobody else would want to be in a relationship like we had. And so I feel stupid for loving him so much and allowing this to pull me down into despair. I was miserable, but I also admit that I was to blame for being miserable. I allowed myself to stay in the relationship and not communicate and put up with stuff I shouldn’t have. I know why I did it though. He had a very very strong and dominate personality. Whereas I do not. I’m usually the follower, not the leader. I am mad that he is going on with life, out there doing all the things that WE did together with someone else and I am having to see a counselor. I feel like he’s found this wonderful, beautiful, everything he wants woman and I have not had much luck at finding someone. Everyone tells me that he is NOT going to ever change. He will be the wonderful, nice, affectionate, decent person in the beginning and then he will start to get tired of it and go back Ito his true self. Why do I have such a hard time believing that? If he’s not looking for something serious then why be on the dating site? I NEED TO GET OVER THIS MAN!!!!

    Barbara, I’ve been on the site only a couple of weeks as has he. Unfortunately I’ve paid for 3 months. Right now I’m not going to jump into anything serious. It hurts to see his profile is gone off of there. I kind of have an idea of what he did this weekend based on facebook posts of mutual friends. I guess he’s found someone. I know I need to tell myself SO WHAT. His life is no longer my business and I shouldn’t care. That’s really hard. Acceptance that it is over is my battle.
    This is the kind of pain that I would never ever wish on my worst enemy. I hope you don’t have to go through it.

    #41567
    Matt
    Participant

    Kim,

    I have two kids, and sometimes my mom bakes them cookies. Cookies are like my kryptonite, and if I saw a plate full of cookies, my body just said “yum yum you haven’t had a cookie in a long time, have a cookie”. At first, I was like “NO COOKIES” and would say it over and over. But when the steam ran out of the NO, I’d go and grab a cookie. Then the self loathing would pop up, and fuel a new “NO COOKIES”. On and on the cycle would go.

    The problem was I would think a lot about cookies. Sure I’d negate the cookies with a no, but the “no” only lasted so long. Then it went from thinking “NO COOKIES!” to “COOKIES!”. The solution for me was to drop both cookies/no cookies and notice the way my body felt. Then it naturally moved me toward health, and now I can eat a cookie without obsessing.

    The same is true of HIM. Consider spending time with your body, discovering Kim, and perhaps you’ll move toward health. Sure, the relationship brings painful feelings and memories, so what? There are lots of things in this world that dont, lots of things you love to do. Things that make you feel good inside. Do those. Then maybe thoughts of him will be more peaceful.

    With warmth,
    Matt

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