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When to pull the plug on help with family member

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  • #233109
    Bun
    Participant

    Hello guys.

    I am the youngest of my siblings, yet the most responsible. They know they can turn to me, hard to say no to helping people. My sister, has always been depressed and angry. She tried to get her own place, which only worked out for one month as she chose a job that would not cover her rent. I had to pay the rest of her rent for that month, absolutely no one else in my family came to rescue. Granted, our family is distant/not the best. When she lost that apartment, she asked to “drop some stuff off” at my house. It has now been 3 weeks. She is depressed, has no money- but also really hard for me to be around. Negative, low frequency thoughts/habits. She once told me she moved in with her boyfriend by gradually leaving her stuff at his house, which she did to me. I feel manipulated because if she asked to stay I would say no. She had the opportunity for free housing with my other sister, and she turned it down. I’ve told her every week, you need to go, I have a roommate and she kept making excuses “oh, this Friday I’m going”. Same situation happened a few months back and after about 3 weeks I told her to go. She seems lost, depressed. Needs help that I don’t really have the patience to give. I love her but I have been extremely stressed, crying daily because of the stress. I am stressed already, so this makes me overwhelmed. She is leaving town on the 5th, to stay with a friend. The only other person she could stay with in the meantime, is very distant family members. It is easier for her to do odd jobs from my house (Craigslist) but I just feel she disrespects boundaries, yet i pity her. I have been in worse situations than her, and have never sat around someone’s house feeling sorry for myself. So it’s about 10 days left. I feel like a monster sending her to a distant family members house during a stressful time for her(also a messy breakup), but I wonder how much longer I should put the stress on myself to help even though it hurts. It hurts to help, and it hurts to stop. I never want to send someone deeper into sadness or stress.  I can’t see the wrongness in her totally, because I know people act mean when depressed. I never want to pull the plug, but I wish they’d see me running on empty and pull it themselves. Thoughts, cyber angels?

    • This topic was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Bun.
    • This topic was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Bun.
    #233115
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    IIm nit sure what else you could have done.  Heres hoping that as these relatives are distant,  she might be less likely to disrespect rheir boubdaries.

    #233273
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bun:

    My suggestion is that you take better care of yourself, no longer “running on empty”. Learn from your experience with your sister (of which you shared in a previous thread as well) and do not repeat the same mistakes that will lead to the same results (her staying with you in your place).

    Protect yourself from unnecessary distress. After all, what you did so far for your sister, didn’t help her, not beyond the very temporary.

    anita

    #233325
    Michelle
    Participant

    You are a compassionate person, and that is absolutely admirable, but you need to set boundaries for yourself. Never ignore your own self-care when giving to others. There should always be a balance.

    It sounds like your sister has a few lessons she needs to learn in life. You won’t always be there to carry her through it.

    #233549
    Bun
    Participant

    Thank you all so much! I really appreciate your advice, and will go forward feeling better about my decision

    #233583
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome,  Bun. Post again anytime.

    anita

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