Home→Forums→Relationships→Why do we always want what we can't have
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November 2, 2014 at 3:51 am #67132JoParticipant
Relationships can be soo amazing but also so confusing and hard, don’t worry your not alone in that so just incase you are don’t feel bad about having mixed emotions. Obviously I can only suggest what I feel could be right but opinion is purely that, personal opinion.
I was wondering and please don’t get offended but have you given your self enough time to grieve and emotionally deal with your divorce? It’s so hard ending a relationship, no matter who was to blame that you just want to jump back in because your use to not being alone (from personal experience, not saying that’s what is happening, I find the amount of time passed isn’t as important compared to the amount of issues I have had to face and deal with)Although it’s not always easy I find honesty the best policy, maybe the girl you are seeing now you could express to her that your confused as your still thinking about another girl you had known previously and not sure were to go from here and then get some counselling about why this issue is coming up. It’s very common to want what you can’t have but it’s not very emotionally healthy to feel this. Maybe it’s because your scared to get hurt again and so wanting someone you can’t have makes it less real but still appealing, where as having it and actually living it is too real.
Or simply the current girl is great but you know is not suited for you?you need to dig deeper and find out why? It won’t be easy but it will serve you in the future and by being honest with the current girl at least you know your not leading anyone on as she is an adult and can make a decision based on truth not deception.
Hope your problem can be eased and you find your answers.November 2, 2014 at 9:42 am #67151AnonymousInactiveHi Jo,
It has been well over 3 years since my marriage ended and I don’t feel any grief for it anymore. I was married to a terrible person that had streaks of decency in her. Sometimes, I remember those, but mostly I remember all the horrible things she did. I don’t mourn that marriage anymore. I’m glad it’s over.
I don’t know how much longer I should be working through this and be ready for a relationship. I want one now and maybe that’s the problem, actually wanting it. The two women that I mentioned are non-issues now. I have no plans on contacting the one I broke it off with, and the one that broke it off with me, won’t be contacting me. I am just letting that memory of her fade. It is just going slowly.
Maybe I need to talk to a counselor again and work out some of the things that might be holding me back.
ThanksNovember 2, 2014 at 10:32 am #67158wood95ParticipantSteve, whatever you decide, I wish you luck. Your story about the 2nd of the two women, the one you can’t stop thinking about, is eerily similar to a situation I was in last Spring. It flatlined when school let out (she has 2 pre-teen daughters). Enough on that, this is your thread, not mine.
Re the recent woman who is flaming you over texts, clearly she was hurt, or maybe she’s just a psycho. Most people can be great and a bit awful too, as you said about your ex. Maybe you are to her what “woman #2” is to you. Every who dates has to understand that they can hurt, or be hurt by, someone else. So don’t feel guilty – you saw as soon as you could that it wouldn’t work for you, and let her down fairly gently.
Peace.November 2, 2014 at 6:10 pm #67193AnonymousInactiveHey wood95,
Don’t feel like you couldn’t share a bit of your story with me. Sometimes, it makes things a lot easy to work through if you know that others have some of the same difficulties with situations as you. Not to say that I hope other people have a shared hardship as me, but just to know you aren’t alone.
I’m not sure how both women felt. I am trying to give up on what other people think because it can drive you nuts. With the woman that was taking shots at me with texts, I did try to let her down easy. I’ve never been too good at hurting people’s feelings.
With the other woman that I cared about. She obviously didn’t want to hurt my feelings either, but I would have rather been cut off cold than have someone let me down easy, over time. You get too hopeful that you still have a chance that way, and to me, that is much more painful.Thanks
November 5, 2014 at 6:04 am #67362jeenaParticipantHi Steve and Tir!! You both gave me great advice! I guess the operative word, Steve, is that he “was” interested and now appears to be playing hard to get. haha Do guys do that?? I’m not one to chase and I have trouble being that direct in my love interests. So I guess I’ll have to wait it out. We are still friends but don’t see each other often as we are in different cities. (We both travel a lot) I want a relationship like Tir has. I want a relationship to come easy and stay easy.
November 5, 2014 at 11:17 am #67372AnonymousInactiveHey jeena,
I’ve only know of women who played hard to get. I never did. Either I am interested in the person or I am not. There is no messing around with that. At least a person can move on to someone else and doesn’t have to play a guessing game then. Hopefully, things work out there. You sound like a good person. 🙂
November 13, 2014 at 12:22 pm #67774jeenaParticipantHi again Steve!
Thank you! I am a good person if I say so myself 🙂 As are you it seems. So why are we good people getting shafted? lol Actually, recently my love interest has been showing interest again but I’m still confused because he seems to be taking it extremely sloooooooooow. 🙂 Any more luck on your end?
November 13, 2014 at 6:20 pm #67797Gardener1ParticipantTo be honest when I read that you had dated 2 at the same time I knew thus was t going to end well. How can you expect yourself to give fully to someone unless you focus on that someone 1 at a time? No wonder both women walked. Because they sensed you were shopping. Too many people do this now a days unfortunately and is why there is a lack of settling for anyone. I didn’t read on but hope you got the guidance you were looking for overall from readers.
November 13, 2014 at 6:35 pm #67798AnonymousInactiveThis is for Gardener1. I wasn’t “shopping” as you put it. It was a rare occurrence that both women were interested in me, at about the same time. I was basically getting to know them at the same time and wasn’t deceiving anyone. I hate when people make assumptions about the type of person you are.
November 13, 2014 at 8:33 pm #67800AnonymousInactiveI’m frustrated with how things went and how things are going. Gardener1, basically said that I got what I deserved for dating both of those women. Maybe she was right but I don’t know. Everything was in the basic stages of dating and nothing was too serious with either women, at first. The first woman I dated broke it off and I knew it wasn’t going to become anything with her. I was starting to have stronger feelings for the second woman and I was going to go in that direction as things started to become clearer. That didn’t matter, she wasn’t wanting to date me anymore, and I still think about her sometimes.
I hadn’t dated for 3 years since my marriage ended. All of this was new to me and never in my life has two women been wanting to spend time with me like that. Was I getting what I deserved at that time? Regardless of what anyone says, it felt good to be wanted by someone you were attracted to. I felt more confident, relaxed, and happy. I hadn’t felt that in years and it felt great. I’ve spent close to 4 years just focusing on my sons and making sure their lives were happy. I wasn’t running around, bringing new partners in, and then out of lives, and putting them second on many occasions, like their mom has. I think I deserved a little happiness for me.
I have to break of a habit of trying to meet someone online because no one responds to me now. I don’t know if these things go in cycles , but women were responding to me a lot the first time. I write the same sincere messages that I sent before but it doesn’t matter.
It’s difficult starting over. I had to do it 3 days after I turned 40 and I am still trying to pull everything together. I’m 43 now and I’ll be 44 in a few months. I feel like time is passing me by, and although I don’t really look or feel my age, women seem to see that as an old number.My ex got my heart for almost 20 years and there were several times she just stomped on it. I feel I have so much to give to a relationship. I don’t know if I will get the chance.
P.S.
I’m glad things are going well with the guy that you wanted a relationship, Jeena.November 14, 2014 at 2:32 am #67813wood95ParticipantSteve, you’re a thoughtful guy and I hope you receive a positive karmic reward soon. You mentioned cycles of messaging success – don’t look for patterns; it’s all random. From what I’ve learned of relationships, you have to hope for everything and count on nothing. I’m at a low point emotionally, unemployed and facing a lonely winter.
A woman from my church, on whom I had a crush a few years ago, contacted me last week and invited me on a nature hike. We had a great time, and she was flirting with me. Afterward, I helped move some furniture into her house and she hinted that we’d been on a date. I said I didn’t know whether it was or not.
I’m attracted to this one, but my heart is still with the woman from last spring and I can’t stand the thought of playing someone. My friend’s wife told me she’d done some snooping and the object of my desire is a player and a maneater. While some things she did are consistent with that, I don’t think you can reduce people to generic types. I got quite upset and argued to the contrary, and she backed down. I can see that if anything develops with Ms-Last-Spring I’ll be wary of introducing her to my friend’s wife.
I’ve always been able to count on friends shitting on me; if I rejected everyone who did that, I wouldn’t have any friends. Weird. We live in a community where people love to gossip, and my friend’s wife has suffered for that; I know she was looking out for me, so I’m letting it pass.November 14, 2014 at 11:15 am #67839jeenaParticipantThank you Steve. Except he’s moving way too slow for me! I’m starting to think “he’s just not that into me”. I don’t know. How can I know for sure?
By the way, 40 is the new 30! Didn’t you know? You will get the chance at love again. Don’t just look on the dating sites. Get outside more. Millions of women waiting for a man like you. 🙂
November 16, 2014 at 9:57 am #67918AnonymousInactiveHey Jeena. I wouldn’t think about what your friend is thinking. Just let things go at the speed that they are meant to go.
As for me, I’ve given up on online dating. I’m sick of constant rejection I am getting now and the flat-out being ignored. I was being nervous about sending a message because I don’t know what to say anymore. Women don’t respond or respond in a way positive way anymore. The confidence I was finally building, after so long, is just fading away, and I don’t feel like I’m wanted again.I still have thoughts about the woman I wanted to develop something with. I know that isn’t good and I have to stop.
It’s difficult when you are thinking about those special moments when you are attracted to someone and they are attracted to you. I think about those times we were together and you just wondering what you could have built, if you had the chance to. It has to change because I know that I can’t dwell in the past. It’s gone.November 17, 2014 at 1:42 pm #68002PDinSDParticipantHi Steve,
I only very recently registered and have read your thread. My thought is drop the online dating and try meetup.com instead. It is not an online dating site, but people create groups in areas of their interest. Find at least one meetup that interests you and then go to the meetings. You will make new friends with shared interests and get to do something you enjoy. It will greatly increase your chances of meeting someone. It is better than online dating because you already have at least one shared interest and more importantly you meet in person. That is what I learned after being divorced in my early 40’s.November 17, 2014 at 7:47 pm #68008AnonymousInactiveThanks PDinSD,
I have gone to one meetup group but it wasn’t for me. I’m going to a try a few different ones. Some more actual interactions with people will be a lot better than sending messages to random women that usually don’t get back to you anyways. I know it has to get better and being around other people will help.
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