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Helcat.
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October 20, 2024 at 7:31 am #438878
HelcatParticipantAlso, I feel like I have been worrying a lot about losing my husband. What will happen if things don’t work out. That has been painful too. I have made some peace with that he is his own person. We just borrow each other. I appreciate everything that he has done for me, but if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore that is his choice and I wish him the best.
October 20, 2024 at 10:18 am #438880
anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
Thank you ❤️ for your empathy and kindness. I slept last night for 6+ hours straight (good thing) and lay awake.. thinking, for 3 hours (5-8 am), not good.
“The baby dysregulated my nervous system, particularly to do with the hormones (cortisol levels get progressively higher throughout pregnancy) and partially due to stressful circumstances. I haven’t recovered from that yet. I’m not able to cope with stress at the moment. Because of the baby, I’m not really able to do much self-care either. Just busy looking after him really“- how can you recover from a long time of elevated stress when all you do is take care of a baby. As adorable as your baby is, you need to spend time with another adult, or other adults who show you consistent, dependable kindness and affection, so that in their company, you can rest and recharge.
“My husband was the person who taught me to love myself… When he loved me, he saw me as worthy. I felt like I was good enough for the first time because he told me I was. Having these relationship difficulties, feeling the loss of love. It makes me feel unworthy and unlovable… I have been worrying a lot about losing my husband“- you used the word loss/ losing twice in this quote: the loss of love and losing my husband. Even though losing your husband is only a worry at this time, there has been a real loss already, as I see it, and that’s the loss of your trust in his love. It’s not solid enough for you to rest in it, and recharge.
We are people who need people (like the song says). We can’t feel worthy and lovable when all alone for too long. We need someone/ some other adult people to reflect (as human mirrors) our worthiness and lovability back to us. Such reflections lower stress.
“What will happen if things don’t work out. That has been painful too… if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore that is his choice and I wish him the best.“- you are preparing for the loss of him, but loss has already happened. It may help to think of the loss not as something yet to happen, and therefore, something to be feared, but as something that already happened, and therefore, it’s something to be grieved. Fearing something yet to happen elevates stress; grieving something that already happened lowers stress.
There are support groups perhaps that you can attend in-person twice a week, let’s say, where you can experience positive reflections of who you are: Helpful, Empathetic, Loving, Considerate, Astute, Tenderhearted.
anita
October 20, 2024 at 1:55 pm #438881HelcatParticipantHi Anita
I’m glad to hear that you got some sleep, but it is a shame that it was not as much as you needed. Is there anything on your mind that you would like to talk about?
I thought your point about people communicating in a way that reflects worthiness and lovability being essential was very insightful.
I do agree. Some things try and discredit the impact of others on our happiness and suggest that we need to take responsibility for our own happiness. Whilst needing to take responsibility of our own self-care is a good idea and very healthy, it doesn’t change the fact that close relationships (romantic or not) impact happiness very strongly.
It is difficult because we are trying to work on things. I can’t try to work on things whilst grieving. I have to let go of fear of the future and anger of how things got to this point.
You are right though about trust in his love. It is going to take time for things to work out, one way or the other.
I think that love is a choice especially when things are hard. It has to be chosen over and over again.
Don’t worry. Now that the vet visits have calmed down I am back to the baby classes. We do visit friends and my sister. So I do talk to some adults.
We just got some bad news. One of our friends is in hospital. Our thoughts and prayers are with him and his family.
Thank you so much for your kindness and support. Your acrostic is very touching! I hope you don’t mind, I made one for you too.
Altruistic
Nurturing
Insightful
Thoughtful
Authentic
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
October 20, 2024 at 5:58 pm #438885anitaParticipantDear Helcat: I like your acrostic of my name, thank you! I will reply further tomorrow.
anita
October 21, 2024 at 12:15 pm #438899anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
“Is there anything on your mind that you would like to talk about?“- thank you for the offer. My thinking while lying awake at night is not about my personal life happenings and concerns, but about people I read about in books (when I used to read books), or people in the news who are in terrible situations. Recently, I day dream (during the night, lol) about these people being rescued, about good people helping them, I visualize everything in detail.
On March 11, 2022, you wrote: ” As a child I felt alone and unloved because of the abuse. For a long time, I struggled with feelings of not being good enough or being unlovable…. I worry that my loved ones will one day decide they made a mistake by caring for me and abandon me. Arguments definitely trigger these feelings“, March 12: “My mother often told me she loved me, but her behaviour told me otherwise… I have a tendency to catastophise and expect the worst“.
May 25, 2022: “I had an argument with my husband… My pattern is to feel defensive, explain that I’m hurt… I seek reassurance from my husband that he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. I have a recurring thought. I’m afraid of being abused… I am hyper-vigilant, looking for signs of abuse“.
July 20, 2024: “it is a very old story that I tell myself. I am unlovable. I am broken. I don’t deserve love and am not worthy of it“.
Oct 20, 2024; “You are right though about trust in his love“- it is very difficult to continuously trust a person’s love while the narrative of the very old story is repeatedly playing in the background, or in one’s emotional core (particularly at times of tiredness, hunger or pain).
Yesterday, you also wrote: “I felt like I was good enough for the first time because he told me I was“- his words were not powerful enough to silence the narrative of the very old story for good. No romantic partner (at his best) has this power.
From the little I understand, your husband has been stoic/ somewhat emotionally detached before your pregnancy, but because of the great distresses during and after pregnancy, he became less stoic/ less detached, more emotional and therefore, more reactive to your moods. Having two emotionally reactive partners in a relationship is more of a challenge than a situation when only one of the partners is over-reactive. You expressed something to this effect on Oct 1 (2024): “I’m glad that since the pregnancy and the baby he has been more open with his feelings. He was very stoic for a large part of our relationship“.
Back to your yesterday’s post: “It is going to take time for things to work out, one way or the other. I think that love is a choice especially when things are hard. It has to be chosen over and over again“- I hope things work out in ways that indicate that love was chosen. When one or two of the partners are emotional/ overreactive, self-discipline has to be practiced. This is what I do when I practice the NPARR strategy: Notice (that I just over-reacted emotionally), Pause (before I over-react behaviorally), Address (the situation: is there a situational solution required here? Can I provide the solution, or part of it, or is what I was thinking or saying or doing, part of the problem, adding to the problem, and not to the solution?…), Respond-or not (say, do, or not), Redirect (my attention elsewhere).
“Don’t worry… We do visit friends and my sister. So I do talk to some adults“- thank you, glad to read this!
“We just got some bad news. One of our friends is in hospital“- I wish him full recovery!
anita
October 21, 2024 at 12:32 pm #438900anitaParticipant* or is what I was thinking of saying or doing,
October 21, 2024 at 1:47 pm #438901HelcatParticipantHi Anita
I’m very aware of the past being present with the difficulties with my husband. I’ve been having flashbacks to when I was a child because of the arguments.
I think that the change in my husband did happen during the pregnancy. But it was not just the stress. He struggled with the idea of being a father for a while. He worried that he would be like his father. He opened up a lot then and worked on his fears during the pregnancy. He is an excellent father, as I knew he would be. I think that it was a big change for him and he found himself caring for our son more than he could have ever imagined. I think the idea of being a father made him feel vulnerable in a way that he had never felt before.
He has been through a lot in his life, lost a lot of people and his family impressed upon him a lot of unhealthy messages. Everyone will leave him, the people you care about most will betray you. You should leave people before they leave you. These kinds of things.
I think having a son, especially internationally and the idea of things not working out is very scary to him. I had a friend who was in this situation and they sent the child backwards and forwards between countries for half a year at a time.
I think the change in relationship and communication dynamics with a child has been hard for him. Taking breaks during disagreements to calm things down was something that he didn’t want but I forced it to happen because of our son. A lot of the changes in communication I have forced to happen for our son. It has taken him a while to get on board with this. I think he feels quite badly about this.
As things got worse, I lost my patience with him and started walking away from him whenever he started acting out.
He has expressed feeling a loss of control in the relationship and feeling like he is being controlled and treat like a child.
I told him that I don’t want to do this, but we have a son and until he is ready to take responsibility for his own behaviour I will do that for him.
I’m going to have to finish writing the rest of my reply to you tomorrow. I’m falling asleep.
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
October 21, 2024 at 6:35 pm #438902anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
Complicated people, complicated situations. So many ingredients to the puzzle of our lives. Simplifying is Key.
It just so happens that right now I am listening to Sade’s song Love is Stronger than Pride: “I won’t pretend/ I’m good at forgiving/ But I can’t hate you/ Though I have tried/ I still really, really love you/ Love is stronger than pride”.
Do you like Sade’s music?
“He has expressed feeling a loss of control in the relationship and feeling like he is being controlled and treat like a child. I told him that I don’t want to do this, but we have a son and until he is ready to take responsibility for his own behaviour I will do that for him“- I am sorry that he feels this way. Yet, I believe that his and your first responsibility, as parents, is to your son, and I admire you (!) for putting your son’s well-being first!
“He worried that he would be like his father“- just like you worried that you’d be like your (biological) mother. I wish you could build on your commonalities.
I was worried earlier today that you’d get upset at me for discussing your marriage and such, for not understanding enough, worried that maybe you don’t need my input, being that you are intelligent and educated about things. I will be very willing to accommodate a possible need on your part to not discuss your private matters. Please let me know.
anita
October 21, 2024 at 6:59 pm #438903HelcatParticipantHi Anita
I just wanted to send you a quick message letting you know that I’m not upset and I really appreciate your support. I really did just start falling asleep writing a message to you.
I never figured out how to stop the editing problems after copy and pasting and I really don’t like seeing those errors. You might be able to tell me how to avoid that? So I didn’t want to lose what I had written so far and just posted it.
I had difficulty sleeping because I was worrying about being too hard on my husband and so I checked back here and I thought I would let you know that everything is okay. I do have to try and get back to sleep, so I will reply properly tomorrow.
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
October 21, 2024 at 7:04 pm #438904anitaParticipantGood night, dear Helcat, I hope we both sleep well tonight. Thank you for this message ❤️
anita
October 21, 2024 at 7:05 pm #438905HelcatParticipantSleep well Anita! ❤️🙏
October 21, 2024 at 7:09 pm #438906anitaParticipantThank you, Helcat, closing with a smile!
October 22, 2024 at 1:43 pm #438929HelcatParticipantHi Anita
You mentioned that you think about bad things happening with other people and then visualise things working out for them when you are having difficulty sleeping. The first part sounds quite stressful and the visualising things working out sounds relaxing. Do you tend to wake up feeling stressed when you have difficulty sleeping or is that something that happens when you can’t get back to sleep when you try?
I haven’t heard Sade’s music but I will listen to the song tomorrow morning. I think the lyrics sound really nice. It is apt! 😊
You are right, he could not silence the narrative but he did help me to understand for the first time that it wasn’t true.
It is true that I can overreact sometimes and so can he. I have been trying my hardest not to overreact because there is no room for two people to overreact in the relationship. It would just be over. I tend to go quiet to calm down to make sure I don’t add to the situation.
It is hard for me to talk about these things and think about them sometimes. It makes me feel self-punishing. It isn’t your fault that it is hard for me though.
Thank you for a helpful strategy for handling these situations. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with kindness and compassion. I really appreciate it! Thank you for wishing my friend well too! He has improved a little but isn’t out of the woods yet. ❤️
My husband and I only argued once this week and it was a minor argument. Things are improving.
I feel bad after counselling. I just feel really anxious. My husband is trying to make things better. But I don’t trust it yet. It has only been a week. Consistency is important to me.
I’m also afraid that I’m not good enough. When things were okay between us I had fears that he would one day find me too much and regret being with me. It feels like that fear has come to pass. No longer a silly fear, no longer not true and just an old story. It feels like reality.
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
October 22, 2024 at 6:11 pm #438937anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
The thinking/ daydreaming at night happens when I wake up, usually at midnight/ 1 am, sometimes at 3 or 4 am. Often I fall back to sleep eventually, at other times, I don’t. I have days when I am way, way too tired.
I hope you like Sade’s music. it’s okay if you don’t, of course.
“You are right, he could not silence the narrative but he did help me to understand for the first time that it wasn’t true“- it is very special that he helped you understand, for the first time, that it wasn’t true!
“It is true that I can overreact sometimes and so can he. I have been trying my hardest not to overreact because there is no room for two people to overreact in the relationship“- this is wise.
“It is hard for me to talk about these things and think about them sometimes. It makes me feel self-punishing. It isn’t your fault that it is hard for me though“- it is kind of you to add that it’s not my fault, I appreciate it. And I intend to not bring up and develop topics that are likely to cause you to feel badly.
“Thank you…“- you are welcome, and thank you for your appreciation and kindness❤️
“I just feel really anxious. My husband is trying to make things better. But I don’t trust it yet. It has only been a week. Consistency is important to me“-I hope that you feel calm soon, and that there’ll be consistent improvement in your marriage, consistency that you can trust!
“I’m also afraid that I’m not good enough. When things were okay between us I had fears that he would one day find me too much and regret being with me. It feels like that fear has come to pass. No longer a silly fear, no longer not true and just an old story. It feels like reality.“- You are god enough, Helcat, you were born good-enough and you are still good-enough. I wish you deeply believe it, not just know it rationally. I believe it!
anita
October 22, 2024 at 11:29 pm #438939HelcatParticipantHi Anita
I’m glad to hear that you often fall back asleep. I’m sorry that there are other days that doesn’t happen though and you feel really tired.
I thought it was a beautiful song! I like how tranquil it is. A very unique style.
You don’t have to not bring things up for my comfort. It is good to be uncomfortable and work through things sometimes. It just takes me time to process. I can understand though if you want to do that for your own comfort.
Thank you for your kindness Anita. Especially for saying that you think I’m good enough. It means a lot to me. You are a very special person.
The feelings come and go for me. On the whole it was good to have a week where we only had one minor disagreement. My nervous system recovered a little and I do feel a bit calmer. I do hope that things continue to improve.
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
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