I feel like hope is really important. I’m feeling hopeful. My cat isn’t dead like I feared she was because she is elderly. I feel like things are getting better with my husband too. I’ve even felt happy.

To be without hope is a very hard thing. Strange as it sounds, hope is what has kept me going throughout difficult times in my life. Hope that things change.

Not an easy day, but not a bad day. I had a dream that we got our cat back.

I didn’t want to talk about things and cause more stress.

Everyone deserves the perfect journey into parenthood, much the same way that everyone deserves the perfect childhood. It is a shame that most people don’t experience it. I guess that is life. Nothing is perfect, things can be hard.

It is hard to process these things. As an unplanned pregnancy, it took a while for my husband to adjust. I just wanted him to be happy for us. I never got to feel like that. Instead, I worried the whole time he would leave.

When my contraceptive implant failed after the birth, he freaked out badly.

I can forgive. I have forgiven him everything. But forgiving doesn’t take away all of the pain or the memories.

The silver lining of this is our beautiful son. I think the pain is more than a fair trade. Without it, he would not be. I just wish that the cost wasn’t borne of our relationship.

I hope that we can get through it and figure all of this out. We are both trying our best.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t our cat that my husband saw. He first saw it at night, so I understand the confusion. I think that he misses our cat a lot. I do too. We agreed to get an urn for her even though there are no ashes. I thought it would help us to process and grieve.

My husband was very supportive when I was anxious about the exam. I really appreciated that. Even when I didn’t believe in myself, he believed in me. That meant a lot to me.

My sister recommended a video to me that helped her, so I thought I’d give it a go.

I noticed that I was having negative thoughts about past arguments with my husband. The thought is unhelpful and potentially catastrophising because part of me is worried about it reoccurring and the relationship failing. I’m going to reframe this by refocusing and acknowledging the things that are going well at the moment. The arguing has calmed down and stopped for now. We are focusing on the good things and being kind to each other. Just because we have made mistakes in the past doesn’t mean that we are doomed. We could also succeed. We need to both put in the work to get there and try. I know that I want to do that. All we can do is try and the whole point of trying is because we believe that there is something worth saving.

It does make me feel better.

Life just hurts and it is hard for me too. It feels like there hasn’t been any room for how I feel in the relationship. I’m trying my best to be supportive and not add to the stress. It is hard being strong for everyone.

I’m glad that my husband is finally starting to see things more clearly. It has been a long wait through a lot of craziness for him to deal with his post partum depression. I know that it was hard for him that I wasn’t able to be there for him during the pregnancy (he was being the strong supportive one) and when the baby was born. I was busy dealing with my own depression and the intensive care of looking after a newborn. He felt just as alone as I did. It was hard situation all around. Feeling cut off from your best friend. Watching them struggle and act out of character. Bearing the brunt of that. I really did try my best but I did make mistakes too. I tried to handle too much myself and only asked for help when I was at breaking point. I blamed him for not helpful enough. I had faith that he would be still there when I got through it all and we would find our way back to each other.

He no longer blames me for everything. Instead he blames himself for everything now. I told him that isn’t helpful either. I hope that he comes to find a more balanced view that some things are just hard and he shouldn’t blame himself. Everyone makes mistakes. Having a baby is hard and one of the most stressful situations a relationship can go through. I think that it is nature screening out people who aren’t suitable for parenthood.

More arguing. I called his mother to talk to him when he started upsetting the baby and walked away. She couldn’t stop him either.

I’m not having anything to do with him until he decides to start caring about his family again. I’ve been patient with his breakdown for the past year. I’m tired of all of this. I wish he would pull himself together. I just want my husband back.

I don’t know if he can change though. I really don’t know.

Hi Jana

Thank you for your kind message! 🙏

My husband lied about his addiction to pornography. He told all of his friends and family about his difficulties with it while I was pregnant. But he didn’t tell me. He actively lied to me about it. I feel left out.

The sad thing is that I have always been supportive and told him that I don’t mind if he does watch porn. A lot of men do it. I don’t like being lied to. I was lied to a lot growing up and it hurts me. I don’t really understand why he lied to me.

The teacher is not Buddhist. He is a Daoist healer. My husband is studying with him. He wants to learn to do what he does. It isn’t so much conversational teaching. There is a set of practices to do. I have been thinking of getting back into the meditation aspect of it though. It has been hard with a baby because the practices are time consuming.

Things are better today at least.

Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏