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Helcat.
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September 20, 2024 at 2:27 am #438250
HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Thank you for your kindness!
If only we all had that experience growing up. It is hard being people though.
I’m starting to think that adults need the same thing children do. Not because they can’t cope with stress, but because deep inside of us all is a child.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
September 20, 2024 at 9:37 am #438263
anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
You are welcome, and indeed inside of us all, is a child.
“We are the world, we are the children/ We are the ones who make a brighter day/ So let’s start giving/ There’s a choice we are making/ We’re saving our own lives/ it’s true, we’ll make a better day/ Just you and me” (We are the World)😊
anita
September 27, 2024 at 8:52 pm #438419HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Sorry for the delay in replying. Thank you for sharing the beautiful song! How are you doing?
An update on how things are for me.
My cat is still missing. I fear that she isn’t coming back. She has never been away from home for this long and hates to be away from home. I’m starting to grieve for her. She was my first pet as an adult. My first baby. She’s an old cat. I love her so much. I wasn’t ready to lose her. I know that you can’t ever be ready, but still. It is hard that this is happening only a year after my other cat passing away.
The biopsy for my dog was lost by the lab. I don’t want to put him through another surgery just to get a biopsy. So the plan is to keep an eye on him and see if his health worsens and if it does, he has we know he has cancer and to approach things from an end of life care perspective. He has another blood text soon, so that will provide some more information. I think that it is a good thing that I have a warning that he might die soon. It would hit me really hard because he is my emotional support dog. I’m not ready to lose him either, but I will have to be strong.
My pets are my family. They mean so much to me.
I think that there is a 50/50 chance that I failed my exam because I couldn’t finish it. The phrasing of the questions was confusing about which questions were mandatory and the marks were higher for the non-mandatory questions. I didn’t know what to do. Fortunately, I have a resit and I will discuss with my lecturer a strategy for which parts to focus on.
Couples counselling was okay. I have also been continuing to learn a lot about the subject.
One thing that I have difficulty with is that I don’t have an outlet for my feelings. I just keep it all inside and suffer.
It still hurts a lot everyday. My husband keeps saying that he is going to leave me.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
September 27, 2024 at 9:50 pm #438420anitaParticipantDear Helcat: I’ve been thinking about you every day, 7 days of you not posting, thinking of posting: how are you, Helcat, what’s happening?? I will be back to you Sat morning (Fri night here)
anita
September 28, 2024 at 9:40 am #438424anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
You are welcome. I am sorry to read that your cat is still missing and that she may not come back home.
“She was my first pet as an adult. My first baby… I love her so much“- I think that your heart will always wear the pawprints left by your cat. From a poem titled Pawprints left by you: “You were far more than a pet. You were a family member, a friend, a loving soul I’ll never forget. It will take time to heal… My heart will always wear the pawprints left by you”.
It makes sense to not put your dog through another surgery, last was only 23 days ago (Sept 5), and it is compassionate to approach things from an end of life perspective if his health worsens.
“It would hit me really hard because he is my emotional support dog. I’m not ready to lose him either, but I will have to be strong“- I hope that he stays with you for a long time, wagging tail, experiencing a satisfactory quality of life. And I hope that you are strong as you reading this, and that you remain strong every day, every night.
“My pets are my family. They mean so much to me“- Pawprints on Helcat’s Heart.
I hope that you passed the exam even though you couldn’t finish it, and if not, that you will pass the next.
“Couples counselling was okay“- I wonder if the first or second session because on Sept 16, you were still waiting for couple therapy.
“One thing that I have difficulty with is that I don’t have an outlet for my feelings. I just keep it all inside and suffer. It still hurts a lot everyday. My husband keeps saying that he is going to leave me. Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏“- you are welcome to share more about your feelings here, in your thread. I will read and reply.
– May the ❤️that you extend to others in these forums return to you.
I was disappointed to read that he keeps saying that he is going to leave you. Last you wrote (Sept 18): “Things are a bit better for me today. My husband has been trying to be more affectionate…“, so I was hopeful.
On Aug 22, you wrote: “The longest interactions we have now are disagreements“- I wonder if he cannot endure any more disagreements (..?) and if it’s possible to not disagree at all for a long while.
About 7 hours after you submitted your most recent post in this thread, you wrote in a reply to another member: “To a baby, the mother and baby are one and the same. Like a limb, she is the hand that feeds, that cleans, that comforts and protects“- you are baby-Helcat and mother-Helcat. May mother-Helcat’s hand be the one that comforts and protects baby Helcat.
I am closing this post with the image of baby Helcat on my mind and with an affectionate smile that this image brings.
anita
September 28, 2024 at 2:10 pm #438429HelcatParticipantHi Anita
It is very kind of you to think of me every day and to wonder how I’m doing.
Thank you for your kind wishes, as well as for the beautiful poem. I got her when I moved out on my own for the first time. She made me feel safe. I was afraid to live by myself because I had anxiety attacks when I was alone. My biological mother used to leave my brother and I alone for ages unsupervised when we were underage for that to happen and not say when she would be back.
I remember when I got the cat. She was being bullied by the other kittens, and I didn’t want her to be bullied anymore.
We’ve been to the same couple’s counsellor when I was pregnant. But this was the first session since the baby was born. My husband is also seeing an individual therapist.
Yes, I think we both feel like we cannot cope with anymore disagreements. Our nervous systems are overwhelmed. There is also a lot going on outside of the disagreements. Stress definitely adds to things.
It is difficult because often it is not about a specific thing. My feelings get hurt sometimes and my husband can tell even when I don’t say anything about it. And he wants to talk about it and I don’t and that makes him angry that I don’t want to talk to him about it. That’s how he explained it to me anyway.
He also explained that he doesn’t really want to leave, and the threatening to leave comes from a place of trying to push me away before I push him away.
My PTSD is quite bad because of the arguments. I have just been shutting down at the slightest hint of conflict. Even the idea that it might happen before it even does.
He is the kind of person who always wants to be there even if things are tough. He doesn’t like leaving things alone.
But for the first time he walked away and took time to himself when he was getting stressed. So that is one positive. I don’t know what will happen next. We are trying. But it is just hard.
I have been reading a lot about couples counselling and relationship advice. The theory is basically that he is hurt by me withdrawing. And he acts out when he’s hurt. He just wants connection. And I just keep withdrawing more and more. Because I withdraw when I’m hurt. I also want connection, but I don’t really feel safe emotionally.
He is still making an effort to try and be more affectionate and we are trying to spend more time together so there are some positives.
Thank you again for your support Anita!
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
September 28, 2024 at 5:46 pm #438431anitaParticipantDear Helcat: You are very welcome! I will read attentively and reply tomorrow morning.
anita
September 29, 2024 at 8:43 am #438434anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
I am sorry that you and your brother suffered abuse from your biological mother, and that you are facing difficulties in your marriage and other stresses.
“I remember when I got the cat. She was being bullied by the other kittens, and I didn’t want her to be bullied anymore“- it is precious that you saved her from her bullies!
It’s good that you see the same couple therapist you’ve seen while pregnant and that your husband sees an individual therapist as well.
“Yes, I think we both feel like we cannot cope with anymore disagreements. Our nervous systems are overwhelmed. There is also a lot going on outside of the disagreements. Stress definitely adds to things“- minimizing stress wherever, whenever possible is first priority, seems to me.
“My feelings get hurt sometimes and my husband can tell even when I don’t say anything about it. And he wants to talk about it and I don’t and that makes him angry that I don’t want to talk to him about it… But for the first time he walked away and took time to himself when he was getting stressed. So that is one positive… He also explained that he doesn’t really want to leave, and the threatening to leave comes from a place of trying to push me away before I push him away… He doesn’t like leaving things alone“- reads like at times, when you get hurt, you need to walk away and take time to yourself, leaving things alone for the time being, but he gets anxious when you do that, and to resolve his anxiety, he wants you to talk to him instead of walking away.
When hurt, you shut down and want to leave things alone; when he’s anxious, he wants you to open up and confront things.
“My PTSD is quite bad because of the arguments“- I wonder if arguments happen this way: you get hurt=> you shut down/ walk away=> he follows you and insists that you to open up/ talk with him about what’s bothering you=> you argue that you need time for yourself and he argues that he needs you to talk about it.. ?
“I have been reading a lot about couples counselling and relationship advice. The theory is basically that he is hurt by me withdrawing. And he acts out when he’s hurt. He just wants connection. And I just keep withdrawing more and more. Because I withdraw when I’m hurt“- reads like a dynamic that is common in couples during conflict, only that it’s usually the man who withdraws and the woman is the one who wants to talk about things.
“I also want connection, but I don’t really feel safe emotionally“- you withdraw because in those moments, you don’t trust him, nor would you trust anyone..?
I asked a few questions above, but there is no expectation on my part that you answer my questions, particularly when you need to leave things alone and not confront things. It’s easy for me to ask questions, but if it’s difficult for you to answer, and when it is not to your advantage.. please don’t answer. And please let me know if you’d like me to no longer ask you questions and instead, to provide a different kind of support.
anita
September 29, 2024 at 9:57 am #438435HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Thank you for your kind words! I’m am perfectly fine talking about these things. Thank you for asking. I really do appreciate your help.
Yes, I agree that reducing stress is a priority.
Yes, that is the jist of things for the recent dynamic. In the past things have been different. I tended to be the one to initiate talking about problems. Then when it would get too stressful I would shut down and the pattern would be similar from that point.
Things have been too stressful for me to want to talk about things recently. I also don’t like for conversations to get stressful around the baby. So that plays a part in why I withdraw more frequently now too.
In the past, I would say that my husband had been less bothered by things than me. But I think that things have been difficult for a while being pregnant and having a baby. So he is just as fed up as me at this point.
I think it varies. Sometimes I do trust him. Sometimes I don’t trust him. Sometimes I wouldn’t trust anyone. Sometimes I would trust other people. It is also about emotional regulation. The arguments have been a lot recently, so I would definitely say that lack of trust with how he responds to things has been a factor.
Blaming each other is a common pattern for us. We also have difficulty listening to each other during arguments. It is like having two entirely separate conversations at the same time.
For me, I would say that if my husband raised his voice. I would start to shut down emotionally and get defensive. In that state, I have difficulties with expressing positive regard.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
September 29, 2024 at 10:38 am #438437anitaParticipantDear Helcat: I read your recent post and want to think about it later, then reply tomorrow. Love and best wishes back to you!
anita
September 30, 2024 at 10:20 am #438455anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation!
“Yes, I agree that reducing stress is a priority… Things have been too stressful for me to want to talk about things recently. I also don’t like for conversations to get stressful around the baby… things have been difficult for a while being pregnant and having a baby. So he is just as fed up as me at this point… The arguments have been a lot recently… Blaming each other is a common pattern for us. We also have difficulty listening to each other during arguments. It is like having two entirely separate conversations at the same time. For me, I would say that if my husband raised his voice. I would start to shut down emotionally and get defensive. In that state, I have difficulties with expressing positive regard.“-
– I suggest a marital compartmentalizing: 2 Helcats (bear with me, as this may sound strange) and 2 husbands. One Helcat and one Husband have a daily IBM (Informational Business Meeting), or two, where finances and logistics (relating to parenting and otherwise) are discussed in a professional, businesslike fashion: no raised voices, no expressed anger and no affection. Nothing personal, Strictly business.
The other Helcat and other Husband are girlfriend and boyfriend. They are not present during the IBMs, and they never discuss business.
The first H & H (Helcat and Husband) can wear a certain official shirt or the like, something that reminds the two of you which H&H are present at the moment, and conduct the IBM in a certain location in the home, a location reserved to these meetings.
I am sure that the above is not an idea that’s totally new to you, but maybe a bit of it is new and maybe.. that bit can make a positive difference. At the least, wearing a funnily official shirt for the meetings may provide a much needed stress relief.
anita
September 30, 2024 at 1:50 pm #438456HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Thank you for your thoughts!
I like the idea, but we don’t tend to argue about finances or parenting much. It is more about communicating things that have hurt. If that makes sense?
For example, I had been thinking about the pets and I thought that it is really important to seize the day and tell our loved ones how much they mean to us because we never know when it’s going to be our last. I wanted to have a special moment with my partner and hugged him and told him I loved him. He was not paying attention and talked to our son and dog. I gave up trying and felt hurt. He noticed me feeling hurt and wanted to talk about it. I didn’t want to because I didn’t want to argue. He got upset at that.
It is more emotional stuff, you see?
Things have been a bit better since the counselling session. My husband has been making more of an effort with affection and he has started to take time away to himself during disagreements when he needs to. Also, he has been doing a lot better with emotional regulation and managed to control his temper.
There have been a couple of peaceful days. A rough day. A day where the disagreement was under control but lasted a bit too long for my comfort. And just general talking about these difficulties we’ve had and what we want in the future.
It is probably the first time in a while that I have started talking about things. For about a couple of weeks I didn’t, to try and calm things down because it was rough. Not to say that I ignored him. I didn’t. I listened to all of his feelings and concerns, did my best to comfort him and chose not to share mine.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
September 30, 2024 at 6:47 pm #438457anitaParticipantDear Helcat: good to read there’ve been a couple of peaceful days, and wishing you more! I will reply further tomorrow.
anita
September 30, 2024 at 7:46 pm #438458anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
I decided to reply earlier than intended.
“Thank you for your thoughts!“- You are welcome, Helcat.
“I like the idea, but we don’t tend to argue about finances or parenting much. It is more about communicating things that have hurt. If that makes sense? For example… I wanted to have a special moment with my partner and hugged him and told him I loved him. He was not paying attention and talked to our son and dog. I gave up trying and felt hurt. He noticed me feeling hurt and wanted to talk about it. I didn’t want to because I didn’t want to argue. He got upset at that. It is more emotional stuff, you see?“- yes, I see, I see a bit. I see that you feel that you and your husband drifted apart, and you feel alone and lonely. You need the kind of attention and affection that makes you feel safe. Safety is a huge need for those who have been terribly unsafe for too long. People like you and I.
“Things have been a bit better since the counselling session. My husband has been making more of an effort with affection“- I hope that his individual counselling sessions, and the couple counselling sessions the two of you attend together help him and you. You have never shared anything negative about him, not that I remember. I think of you as a loving, faithful wife, a loyal wife, a trustworthy person. I think well of you.
anita
October 1, 2024 at 4:17 am #438468HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Thank you for seeing me. ❤️ You make a lot of effort to always be there for people and treat them with kindness and respect. I have a lot to learn from you. 😊
You didn’t have to be there for me, but you chose to anyway. I appreciate that more than you can imagine.
I don’t like talking about people behind their back. Anything I share about him, I share with him. He is a good person, but there have been relationship difficulties since the baby. I think that sleep deprivation makes things worse. It is always around times where the baby is not sleeping and consequently we are not sleeping that things are worse.
You are right about feeling safe being important. I’m glad that since the pregnancy and the baby he has been more open with his feelings. He was very stoic for a large part of our relationship. There is a downside in that I don’t feel like he knows the best way to handle this because sharing is fairly new to him. I used to think that I was the sensitive one and that he wasn’t sensitive. But now I see that we both are and he used to hide or ignore his feelings.
I think that individual therapy is a good place for him to practice these skills. He seems to be picking things up quickly.
I really want communication to improve for the baby as well. Because we don’t have anyone to help us with childcare he is around when we are having disagreements. What an adult can cope with a child cannot and he understands more every day.
The couples counsellor is doing a good job of helping us to come up with strategies to manage this like talking when the baby is asleep.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
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