July 2, 2013 at 3:12 pm #37850
Hi everyone! Hope I don’t write in a silly way, english is not my mother tongue!
I really don’t have any idea what I am as an atheist (kind of) doing on a buddhism related spirituality focused forum. Well, it seems that grief, anger and self anger powerd by self pity makes things happen, so here I am. For some reason I have been coming back to read TB articles that I’ve found by googling advices to help myself..
I’ll try to write it short but I think its going to be a quite long first message. Truly whish that somebody could help me to clarify my head and thoughts..
So first a little briefing about my situation with some backgrounds.
I’m a 27yo male and around 4 or 5 months ago I broke up with my girlfriend of almost 5 years. We lived in our rented flat for 4½ years, so it really was serious, and with all of my heart I would say that she was the love of my life. Our relationship was really amazing, all our relatives and friends were always talking about us that we were “the” couple that was always so happy together – that we had a real bliss in between each other. My girlfriend was one year younger than me. Both of us are studying at the university and I am just about to start writing my master’s thesis..
Just about year ago everything seemed to be super good and we were about to do something that we both wanted, to make our future carees better and life brighter. In other words we decided to take apart on student exchange programs that were kind of part of our degrees and way to enhance our expertise on certain countries, for in Europe and for me in Russia. On last August we said goodbye to each other crying our eyes out of our head. It was absolutely horrible to leave somebody you love behind, not being able to be with her anymore for a pretty long time (10 months). But back then, after carefully pondering and thinking what we were about to commit ourselves (for 6 months), we really believed that love would pull through, that we really got that magic.
Finally the day came and it was time to say goodbye. Our strategy to keep love and pur bond alive was to be in contact via Skype and Facebook – we also agreed to see each other in one European city I was in – where we met again in the end of last December. Plan seemed legit. Careful plans and honesty, agreeing that things could happen that would drive us apart but reaching a conclusion that our relationship was based on a solid rock..
Well..then things started to happen. I got really depressed on my new country not being able to learn the language as fast as wanted to. Maybe I set my goal too high. My age old inner insecurities surfaced again and got me really depressed, feeling really shit with myself. I though that this was it – if I was not able to do I was required to I was no good and had no future with my university degree (it is complicated to explain so let’s just say I demanded so much from myself after always performing so well at the university). At the same time my girlfriend who was in a country she had already spent one year as a exchange student when she was a teenager, was having the time of her life. For her it was all easy because she could speak the language fluently. So our new “worlds” differed strongly. On the other side joy and happines, adventure. On my side thoughts about looming doom and depression (the city in which I was in was really a hard place to live, actually I got beaten and robbed there once)..
We saw again in December and everything seemed to be in order. Had really good time…but she was talking about this one guy she had met along with other great people. We only had 6 days together until it was time to say goodbye again and the separation was also horrbile this time..both of us crying at the airport..
I went back to my city and orientated myself for the next 6 months dreaming everyday about next summer..about our life back home..
After new year she made drastic move to go to South America to do some internship that this one guy she had met was talking her about. Not so long time afterwards they ended in a same bed. She told me about it immedialy and I told her that it was okay if it was only one time. We had agreed before that it was not forbidden to have few one night stands if they just took place because we were not that fool to think that those could not occur being so far away from each other. They flew to South America and after that for about 2 months she started adding new photos to Facebook with this guy. Seriously, she was uploading romantic pictures with this guy and not even telling me what was really going. Like putting a rope over my neck asking me to be the one who ends the relationship. It was so hidious and horrible for me. After pressuring her for few weeks she answered to me in FB chat saying these words I never forget:
“Yes, I am in a daily emotional-sexual relationship with this man. What is so *ucking unclear about it?”
After few months I just could not take it anymore. I said it was over. Cut off any contact to her and send her a long letter telling how I felt about everything..pouring my heart out, being stabbed in the heart. But she did not even answer to that, only briefly telling me that she would only talk about our relationship face to face.
Months passed and finally we came home. I picked up all of my stuff and moved to a new flat alone..mostly with our old furniture (she wanted to give me almost everything for some reason).
But then came the SHOCK..
She moved to our home country with this guy..
I moved to my flat and on the day I moved in to my new flat I heard that she was moving in at the same house as me WITH HIS NEW MAN. This was pure coincidence. HOW BAD LUCK CAN MAN HAVE???
I have been trying to contact her (we were in contact by e-mails about sharing our stuff but her parents were the ones to help me and to divide our belonings to our personal shares) but she told me that less we speak the better.
So here I am writing this message, sitting in my pitiful little flat with our furniture having her as my neighbour. The woman that I loved more than life. Who loved me more than anything.
There is only one way to say this: I don’t know this person anymore. She almost seems to be possessed by some strange demon or something.
Most beautiful face and mind turned into a monster
What the hell should I do?
I feel I have lost everything, the most important thing in life…love. How can I ever trust anybody again?
I’m depressed and feel that I want to die. I already searched for professional counceling and got appointment with psychologist.
I just lost everything. Did not learn anything during that year, only a little bit of Russian but not enough to use it as a professional advantage over the people I am competing with in the future at the same work market.
July 2, 2013 at 3:20 pm #37851
Everything boils down to one conclusion that I can not escape:
- I was not good for her, she found a better one
- She really is intelligent beautiful person I still want to share my life with
- During 5 years I enjoyed a relationship that I think was better than most people ever experience during this lifetime
- After that experience there cannot be another one that good
- How to move on if you DON’T want to move one, I really don’t want, I rather die than move on
- Our life together was so meaningless for her that she gives most of her stuff for me, like it reminded her about some disease she had
- I had bad year, she had the BEST of her life, so I “lost”
- I am so full of hatred and bitterness that I can’t do anything
- I am so full of jealousness for her that I can’t think anything else except how well she is doing right now
And so on..
I see no way how most of the advices about being grateful or forgiving yourself would work. I will never forgive myself that I lost her…You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
July 2, 2013 at 5:06 pm #37856
First of all sorry for your pain – it’s horrible. I’ve been there. It hurts like hell.
I’m going to cut to the chase. I think you need to move out of the apartment as soon as possible. That’s not a good situation to be in. I think it will give you a bit of a feeling of being in control. And that’s what you need.
Beyond that I have things to say you probably don’t want to hear.
Firstly if she did the things you say – facebook message, uploading facebook pictures and moving into the same building as you. That is truly horrible. Which means she’s not the nice person you think she is. This happened to me actually. I fell in love with somebody who turned out not to be the person I thought she was. It took me a long time to get over that.
Secondly I have the cliched things to say which although cliches are nonetheless true. You need to grieve and that’s fine. Don’t feel bad about grieving. While you’re grieving realise that you don’t currently have an objective view of the whole situation. And that’s fine. But with time you will gain an objective view of it. Of what happened, of who she is and also of who you are. This I guarantee will come though.
Also remember the future is unknown and therefore full of possibilities that you can’t even imagine at the moment. Which also means it’s outside of your control. But you can control the present and like I said at the beginning I would move out of the apartment as soon as possible.
Peace and good luck.You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
July 3, 2013 at 1:04 am #37867
I know how it feels. feels like you’re dying, right? and i’m sorry for that.
you need to get away from her for a while. stay out of her sight. try hard to avoid everything that may remind you of her. go some place else. it’s the best time to take a break from everything. take a sabbatical and allow yourself to grieve: cry, sulk, feel the pain. purge everything. cry out loud. allow the pain and sorrow to take over till you can’t feel anything anymore. it’s good that you are seeing a counselor. she or he will be a big help.
but i have to remind you of this: nothing is permanent in this world. in the end, it is acceptance that will help you heal. nothing stays the same forever. and you, being young, time is with you at the moment to learn everything you could from this adversity.
been there myself. and it took me five years to really heal and accept that nothing on earth stays the same forever. what i have learned from it is recognizing the realities of this world, and living accordingly.
as long as you’re still alive, you’re gonna get through this. for the time being, you have to go through the pain, with the help of your counselor of course. getting depressed and feeling hatred are very normal. let yourself be. some heal faster, others take the slower route. but the process is normally around 2 to 3 months.
and remember this: we all have the so-called love of our lives at one point or another. some stick together. others grow apart after sometime. relationships aren’t always stable, especially long distance ones. but most often than not, we usually fall for who we are with most of the time. it’s human nature. humans are social beings. and the more we spend time with a person we are interested in, the more chances of falling for that person. but then again, it all depends to the person involved.
at the moment, you would think she’s the only one you ever wanna be with. that’s fine. but to repeat. nothing stays the same forever. you will meet someone again, love again. you just have to open your heart to possibilities. trust me. after a decade, i did fall that hard for someone again. harder than i could ever imagine.
stop looking down at yourself. you should be your own bestfriend, try not to define your worth according to others’ judgment. believe it or not, your girl finding another man has nothing to do with you. people do what they do not because of us, but because of them. there is totally nothing wrong about you. there is no truth to what you have said that you are not good enough for her. what she chose to do about it just revealed who she really is. but then again, people change. all of us do. and the key to live a life less the anxieties of this world is to understand and accept that we cannot hold onto anything forever. and as soon as each of us acknowledge that fact, we can live peacefully knowing fully well that anything can be taken away from us at any moment.
Stay strong. you can get through this.
IrisYou must be logged in to reply to this topic.
July 3, 2013 at 5:31 am #37870
I am so sorry to read of your pain and loss. It is devastating to be hurt in this way and to realize that someone is not exactly the person you thought they were.The betrayal on facebook is just awful and speaks loudly of her true character. There are many ways to end a relationship with respect and dignity but she chose the opposite.
I want to tell you to look at yourself and your ability to love. That is a wonderful thing and don’t let this sour your heart with her bad behavior. We have no control over other’s decisions or actions but we CAN control our own. Pull yourself up and understand that you WILL love again! I promise you!You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
July 3, 2013 at 7:42 am #37912
Thank you very much for your support! It feels like every possible type of help is now needed, even anonymous help..
Aruni suggested that I should move out from this appartment as soon as possible. I also feel that it would help a lot but the fact is that I cannot do that economically. There is no way for me to do so. Numbers in my bank account simply doesn’t agree with that. That is why I must stay here.
It was pure coincidence that she got her flat 50 at the same neighbourhood. Our homes are now located about 100 meters away from each other. She lives in a house “A” and I live in a houes “B”. Both are apartment houses. That helps a little bit but it does not prevent us from seeing each other sooner of later – and probably she will be with her new man when we just meet on a local grocerie shop or on a bus stop. It is basically a matter of time.
I asked her parents about her situation and they told that she is renting that flat only for 2 months and then she has a new flat arranged for the next 12 months. And even that flat is at the same district as mine, only maybe 500 meters away.
I have two options. To cope with all this or give up.
That is why I really need some help.
Because she told me that the less we talk the better I needed find another way to make things better. Yesterday I saw my psychologist for the first time and she said that the best thing I could do is to see her during next 2-3 weeks. Just to sit down and talk things over for the first time. Not accusing her about anything but just finding some answers for questions that puzzle my mind so hard. This whole break up has been just madness – I cannot believe that even she is feeling that balanced at all at this very moment. No body can dump his/her loved one of 5 years over night and never thinking him/her again!
Or maybe she has just hit her head or something turning her into a sociopath? But that would be really odd..
To see her would be just fair thing to do for me. Then it would not be totally devastating, intolerable and horrible to see her by accident (with her new man). At least I could have some kind of CLOSURE for all this..at this moment, I think she would not even say hello to me. I think we both would be just horrified, and things can’t stay like this..there needs to be a change..a new beginning for both..I guess
Yesterday I also contacted her mother who was also close to me. She told me that she has also been quite confused about the things her daughter has done. She (of course) was not accusing her daughter (or me) and was not trying to pick up a side on this matter, just being diplomatic and worried about my wellbeing as well. Her mother promised to talk to my ex-girlfriend and see if she could change her mind about talking to me.
I hope her mother can arrange me an opportunity to talk to her – not about her and her new man – but about our relationship that is now past, to get some grasp why things happened like they happened.
Whatever I will hear from her mouth will be painful.
But at least then I am wiser and can move on…somehow?
Thoughts?You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
July 3, 2013 at 8:36 am #37916
I think this is the best thing that has happened to you. Sometimes not getting what you want is a brilliant stroke of luck…and this is what I see in this case. This girl was in love with you and you with her. You guys were committed to each other for 5 yrs, still she could easily forget all that and ditch you. Imagine how different it would have been had you guys been married, or have had children. This girl had that streak…of betraying and thank God, you came to know of it before you guys got married. May be there were problems between you– some minor ones or whatever…but even then, she should have spoken to you about them and both of you collectively could have taken a decision to be together or move on. This kind of betrayal is wicked.
It’s sad that you may have to come face to face with this girl and her new found ginny pig. Don’t feel jealous man……she was not woth it.
Move on….be a man you always wanted to be…..one year loss is no loss….gather yourself…learn the language you need to learn ( I guess it’s Russian right)..and plan your career. Make new friends…involve yourself in some physical activities like going for long walks. Gather yourself and your life.
Life will present you with lot better things…just have faith….
THERE IS ONE THING YOU NEED TO COMPLETELY STOP………..DISCUSSING WHY SHE DID IT, WHAT WILL SHE DO NOW. She is not your subject anymore ( and as I have already said, a person who can ditch one person can ditch another too. When you really love someone, you make every effort to make things work and cheating…well no way acceptable).
Your subject is you and this is something you should discuss more and more…:-)
Stay blessed!!!You must be logged in to reply to this topic.