Hi Allison,

You just described my last serious relationship! So I may have some insights that will hopefully be helpful:

I think the experience of falling for someone you weren’t initially interested in – and then have said person go and reject you – can be quite bewildering. I did some brutally honest self reflection I came up with a couple of very important realizations:

1) I settled – it’s not that I was “better” than him (I wasn’t – and he was actually a very handsome/accomplished man), but it was that he lacked a lot of qualities I was looking for in a partner (emotionally mature, healthy communication, sexual compatibility, etc.).
2) There was just enough compatibility / interest to keep the relationship alive, but not enough for it to flourish – it was like a houseplant that needed full sunlight but was in a shaded corner…sure it still had all its leaves, but it never grew no matter how much you water or fertilizer you used
3) The reason why I entered into the couple was I thought it was the best I could do and I was lonely – that was the most sobering.

Now, the good news was after I did this I knew what went wrong and I started the personal work to fix it. It’s still an on going process, but very healing.

Another thing that helped was cutting myself some slack. It’s really a challenge for most people to not be drawn to someone who ardently pursues them. It’s very flattering to down right seductive! Plus, in someways I applauded myself for rolling the dice and taking a chance on the guy. Too many people are at the other end of the spectrum when it comes to dating, being extra picky and demanding people hit every checkbox on their list of traits they want in a mate – “oh, he’s 5’11”, I only date people over 6 feet tall”, etc.

Finally, just because the person “rejected” you (I use quotes, because in reality he just finally saw what you in your bones knew all along – you weren’t a good fit – and he freed you), isn’t a reflection on your worth, your desirability, etc. It’s easy to fall into the trap of being, “he pursued me so much in the beginning and then went stone cold in the end – what did I do?” The reality is many people (of both genders, but men especially), love the thrill of the chase, and once they caught the object of their affection and the high wears off, they then start asking, “huh, well, is this person really right for me?” The guy should’ve asked those questions *before* he went after you! I’d be willing to bet he repeats a similar pattern until through dumb luck he finally pairs up with someone who’s a match. Problem is, in the process he never gains the tools (like introspection) to sustain a relationship. I’d also be willing to bet if you hadn’t starting putting his feet to the fire and pointing out issues, he may have been just fine allowing thing to keep coasting along…which is sad if you think about it!

Well, I hope that provides you with some comfort / food for thought. I want to assure you the pain does go away. Be kind to yourself, and I have no doubt you’ll get through this *and* be stronger as a result.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Miniature Bodhisattva.

Allison,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know this feeling all too well! I believe Inky is right, for me it brought up rejection and abandonment issues. It was so hard to get over the fact that my ex didn’t want to be with me. I started trying to manipulating him back into my life when I too didn’t even want him. I just couldn’t handle that he didn’t want me!

The important thing for me to remember, so I could move on, was I was good enough. It just wasn’t the man who was right for me. It has nothing to do with how “good enough” you are. It’s simply not the person you were meant to be with. Is a McNugget not good enough because they don’t fit in at Burger King? Nope, it’s just not the right fit.

Try and remember you’re not meant for better things, just different things. He’s not meant for a “better” woman, just a different one. We don’t all get to have the experiences we want in life. All experiences just weren’t meant for us, just like all people aren’t meant for us.

It took a while and I had to remind myself constantly that just because my ex didn’t want to be with me anymore doesn’t mean I wasn’t good enough for him. I’m just not right for him and he’s allowed to make that choice. Today I’m grateful he did because it opened me up to learn to love me again and follow my heart, which ended up bringing me an amazing man who WAS meant for me. Who knows how long I would have stayed in the relationship out of complacency.

When I follow my heart the things that are attracted to my heart find me…I don’t have to do any chasing or clinging to fear of rejection.

Try some self-love practices, there are tons of resources out there!

@allison219, no problem! I’ve found the advice of the people on these forums to be such a blessing. I’m grateful folks here dispense their opinions and insight in both an honest and compassionate manner. We’re all dealing with issues on life’s journey, and I personally believe one of the things that helps both yourself and others is to reach out to another human being…even if it’s something simple. So thank *you* for allowing me the opportunity to pay it forward! 🙂

• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Miniature Bodhisattva.

Hey there Allison,

I feel your pain and it’s weird because like you I never felt fulfilled or really loved. But now it’s over I feel so utterly empty!! So if you find any answers please let me know.