Hi Cali Chica,

I know it is hard, but try to turn the anger into sympathy and empathy for her instead. This is most likely an unresolved learned behavior that she learned how to relate from her parents, and her parents learned it from their parents and so on. It’s a vicious cycle, and without quality Psychotherapy, it will continue to go on, it’s called “passive aggressive behavior”. These people do not mean to be hurtful, but they do make cutting remarks, not even knowing they are doing this.

For example, once, I put some weight on. I was single, and was on a shopping trip buying some clothes for a date. My 1/2 sister, said “don’t worry, lots of men, like plump women”. Before, I graduated college, she had aa Masters and A law degree. I had a High school degree getting ready to fill out applications for college. We used to watch jeapordy on TV, I got an answer right, that she did not, and the three contestants did not. She said “you are pretty intelligent for someone with a small education level”. Ouch! But instead of reacting and showing her she hurt my feelings, I felt sorry for her instead.

She also used her “passive aggressive” behavior other ways, such as “I’m not mad!” when she was. Acting sullen, giving the silent treatment, or if I did react to something upsetting she said she would say “why are you getting so upset” or “calm down” or “you are too sensitive” “emotional” “dramatic” etc. These are all signs of passive aggressive behavior, and it is a sign of a very insecure and fearful person on the inside who uses controlling, manipulating tactics in the form of cutting, underhanding remarks, to make themselves feel better, but not necessarily to hurt the other person because it is a deeply ingrained learned behavior. Another tactic, she would use is “Eliana, can you help me carry some dishes from the basement upstairs”. I would say “sure, I’m on the phone, I will help you as soon as I am done” well..that wasn’t good enough, she wanted it done her way and *now*, so her response was “fine, I will do it myself, after everything I have done for you, I will just break my bad back carrying these dishes all by myself” so, of course, I was “made to feel guilty” and got off the phone to help her. Hoewever, I soon tired of this and stopped reacting, and when she used this “help me now, feel sorry for me” I would say, I will help you when I am off the phone. I stopped reacting to her, felt sorry for her, empathized and no longer allowed it to affect me. Anyway, I hope this helps a bit. Keep us posted and congratulations on the upcoming wedding.

Dear Cali Chica:

Welcome back!

Your description of your mother on this thread (congruent with the account of her behaviors in previous threads) is of “a narcissistic, negative, and unreasonable person… a negative monster”

You wrote: “going no contact is not an option” and “lets put my mom on mars.  i still have me. and because i have a propensity to think and feel this way myself – the problem still remains…It’s all very exhausting”-

My input today: ending contact with her would not have been the complete solution, only the beginning. But it is not an option for you, so you believe. I will respect that.

And so, “the problem still remains”- on the outside, in the form of a negative monster and in the inside, the poison of that monster being in there already. What to do (I ask myself)? What would I do if I was in your place, with no option of ending contact with her?

This is what I will not try to do because these are impossible to accomplish: to feel nothing, hear nothing and see nothing when in her presence. I will also not try to make believe reality is any different than it is because I believe mental health is dependent on our core beliefs being congruent with reality.

I would say: stick to reality, do feel, do hear, and do see what-is real.  Keep your brain congruent with reality. When you have a negative thought, evaluate it: is it true to reality or not, accurate or not? Does the content of the thought needs to be evaluated, researched (getting further information)? Rewire your brain this way not toward positivity necessarily, but toward reality.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has excellent exercises in this regard. Keep it real, Cali Chica, and make your life better.

* If the monster will hurt your future children in any way, please re-evaluate the option of no contact with her, at least, no contact between her and your children as their brains will be wiring very quickly… you don’t want them troubled and exhausted.

anita

Hi Cali Chica,

Probably the best advice I ever received was to just observe the thoughts instead of responding to them. Instead of becoming overwhelmed by emotions, respond with strength and calmness. Listening continuously can also really help quiet these unwanted thoughts that lead to all these messed up feelings. The drama with your mom I think is a pretty common storyline, but it’s hard to give advice about this type of situation. I think good advice is to try to respond in a way you think your mom would respect instead of becoming overwhelmed. I ironically found when I stay calm and think about how I can help the person with their own negativity can be a great way to grow in the relationship.

Also, instead of focusing on the bad, perhaps you can instead focus on the person you want to become and make progress toward that person everyday. I like to imagine the person I want to be and then break down that person into goals and steps toward that goal. Focusing on progress and the goodness you create can be a lot better than thinking about things that you wish were different. Try to focus on the hope instead of the negativity.