It is really a challenge for us to be together. We are living over 6000km apart in different countries. I am still in the country
where we were born, Malaysia. She has migrated to Australia. At 45, I cannot migrate to Australia anymore unless I have lots of money. She said she cannot come back and live in Malaysia anymore because she is too used to be western style of living. Living in an undeveloped country is really harsh for her. I agree with her and I started planning to migrate to New Zealand instead. She like that country as well. I would then need to work really hard to get myself migrated there and at 45, it is really really really tough!

We started talking about investment for our future. She always talked about living by means of only buy needs not wants. She already had a few properties invested with her husband. Whereas I lost all my savings on a failed business just 3 years prior. I am still rebuilding my finances. She is okay with that and she does not mind that I do not really have money. She is not the kind of woman that is materialistic. She is independent and will buy things with her own money.

So anyway, she mentioned about this book called “Rich Dad” and how it completely changed the way she look at investment and building finances. I told her that I hated that book because I had bad experience with it from many years back where a collegue keep bragging and annoyed me after reading all the great ideas from that book.

Immediately her anger started. She got really angry at me for saying I hate that book. I tried to explain that I don’t really hated that book but hated the event that lead me not to read that book. However, I was already planning to buy it and read it because that was not the first time she mentioned the book. Again, the cycle of her anger or upset begins.

She said she is having a surgery which was planned in 2 days and that she does not want to get upset. So I had to keep quiet. However, I know that if I don’t explain about my “hate” for that book, she will continue to label me as the book hater and a person with qualities that she does not want in a man that she is going to spend the rest of her life with.

I tried so hard to text her and eventually she had an accident while driving. Apparently she knocked on someone else and damaged the car badly. This was the turning point that made her even more angry at me. She said I should learn to keep quiet because of my text, she got into the accident. When I texted her I did not know she was driving. Instead, I just apologize profusely and accepted that I am to be blamed for the accident.

Eventually she went for her surgery and for past few days she was in pain. I had to keep quiet because she cannot be stressed.

After few days, eventually she said that for the past few days the serenity and quietness has been great. That she has clear mind and think that I am not the person she can live with. She said she want a man who is generous, open-minded, risk taking and not calculative. My action for the past few month has made it unsettling for her. She said that “how can I not read that book because I am annoyed by a person. I am being narrow-minded and petty.”

FYI, I am open-minded and risk taker! I am a bit calculative and not so generous but that is because I am not financially able. I do help people when I can. I am kind and considerate person. For the past few month after knowing her, I had tried to do a lot of charities to gain good karma because she said I needed that in my life so that my living can improve.

From the way the conversation flowed, I know she already made up her mind that I am the kind of man she thinks I am. I never have the chance to explain or defend myself. She said I gave myself a dead sentence the moment I said I hated that book. She was beyond shocked. I knew then the relationship is over.

I wanted to talk to her but she refuse. She only wanted to text and I am tired of texting and explaining myself which I am sure she will eventually use those text against me. So it ended.

After it ended, I texted her all I wanted to say to her. I told her I am not taking the blame anymore. She need to deal with her anger. It was useless. Nothing I say matters anymore. I told her I will love her until that day I die. I will keep her in my heart even after she passed. She just replied asking me to take care of myself and she love me always.

Read some articles on tiny buddha website and links lead me to realize that she has “Borderline Personality Disorder”. She was treated with depression when she was in the states at the age of around 23. She said she is cured and she does seems to have no depression symptoms. Whatever it is, our relationship had very low chance of success with each of us still married to our spouse. One is an easterner and another westerner.
We live in a totally different lifestyle in different country. I never gave up hope. As long as she still wants me I would do all I can to settle down with her.

Now I need to move on with my life. I need to mend things back with my wife. However, I do not love her anymore. I know she still love me but I am an extremely loyal person. When I was with Debbie, I have shifted my loyalty towards her. She is the person that I only love since. I have to also admit that the intimacy with Debbie is so good that I would never have that kind of magic with my wife.
Debbie is my soulmate. My wife is my child’s mother. I am really confused how I should live now. I can never love another person like I love Debbie ever again. Don’t get me wrong. I was highschool sweetheart with my wife. We got married after 10 years of dating. I was loyal to her and never had any other women. Debbie was the only other woman I had. So I am a very loyal man that will never go for prostitutes or flirt around.

I really really miss Debbie. Why did she see me as this kind of man that I never am. For 30 years, I have done lots of good things and she had to judge me on this one bad thing. I understand her decisions are based on our relationship for the past few months. She came to conclusion that I am not the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. I felt like I didn’t have the closure that I deserve. That is so sad!

This is such a twist of fate. For 30 years, she was yearning for me. Now that she found me and broke up. It’s my turn to yearn for her and I know I will be like this for my next 30 years if I live that long.

Well, about the 30-year yearning I cut the story short so not to lengthen the posting. There are other instances that shows she does yearn for me. She told me she “apologize” to me in her heart when she had her first date with another man. In some of the photos she had taken, she said during that time I was in her mind. Some songs would remind her of me. The reason she really tried to find me again is due to her bosses’ sad story. Her boss just loss her husband. Apparently he was in depression and took his own life. That event made her realize she need to find me before she die. And the dream that she had for the past 30 years, it is always the same one where she could not find me. It was very vivid to her and she would feel lost whenever the dream occur. When we started our relationship, before we meet, she would have the dream and told me about them. If I remember correctly, it happened twice in the span of 1 month.

After we met, I drove her to the old place where we used to live and show her the path to my house. Since then she never had the dream.

We also discovered that our path crossed a lot of times without us realizing it. Like we go to same places for food or she moved to a school where I am staying very near to right now and so on. These cannot be coincidence because it is just too many instances of out path crossing.

Anyway she said the reason why she was so angry is because she is upset discovering I am not the kind of man she want. It does not comes from only the book event but also from other encounters we had for the past few months.

Right now, we seems to be texting again but there are a lot of hostility from her. Her heart has completely shutdown on me and she seems to be finding faults in everything I say. I am not sure if this is called toxic relationship. I do feel like I am loving her less and less with this kind of treatment.

She said that she have very high standards for the kind of men she want. That is why she chose a successful man to marry but she was treated badly by the mother-in-law and most of the time she is left alone to do things by herself. That is also why she said she is a “happy loner”. She loves being alone and doing things by herself. She has planned her retirement in the next ten years and seems like I am disrupting her plan. Again, she didn’t say this specifically on me but she did imply them in the things that she says.

Right now, my gut feelings tell me that I should let her go. If I do, I want to patch things up with my wife. However, my relationship with my wife has gotten the worse after starting the affair with Debbie. I think she might even know I am having an affair as she manage to eavedrop on me when I was having a phone conversation with Debbie. Since that day, she has distance herself from me. I have surrounded myself with gifts from Debbie, from my work laptop case to keychains and even the phone I am using. This is really hard. I don’t understand how people can have so many affairs in their life. If I could, I wouldn’t want her to find me so that I can continue to life my content life. She did made me realize the kind of love that is so intense that I have never felt with my wife when we were dating. It’s like now that I have eaten caviar, eating other food is not nice anymore. I know I sound selfish but I can’t help myself.

Thanks for the advice, Anita and Mark and Maggie too. Both are really enlightening and provider perspective to the relationship.

I am supposed to fly over to meet her next month. During that time, I planned to talk to her about our future getting together. This episode that happened made me think it will not be possible. She would not want to see me even if I go over.

Both your advises allow me to speak to her in a different perspective now. Again, if I manage to speak to her. And because it is one month away, should I speak to her about this now or wait?

I apologize again if I sound selfish or I totally ignore my wife. However, my relationship with my wife is not in good terms. Even if we goes back to being “okay”, it is totally only like co-parenting. Debbie is the person I see whom I want to wake up to every morning. Or course I love her. Should I just let her be alone like she wanted? I mean loving a person sometimes means to let her go, right?

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by abubin.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by abubin.

I think there is no hope with Debbie now. I know I need to move on. She is just too complicated a woman for me. I thought loving her with all my heart is enough a start for building our life together. Seems I am still not good enough for her. I do feel very unsettled. Very frustrated that she has to end it with such circumstances.

I really need to pick myself up first. I will need to severe all contacts with her. It will be tough.

At my age, I just want to live what’s remaining of my life. I don’t think I want to have another relationship. I really hate the kind of promises people make when they are in love but it all goes out the window when something happens. Including myself.

Dear Anita,

I am referring to promises I made to my wife. I broke it when I had an affair. I do aware that I am hypocrite.