Thank you 🙂

Hi Anita,

I broke up with my boyfriend back in March and then I went back to the relationship after a few hours because I had made a terrible mistake. Over the summer I moved back in with him and I had hopes that we would reconnect as I had felt like there had been emotional distance.

One aspect that had affected our relationship was I opted for us to have an “open relationship” which was a bad move as I was doing it to prove things were “real” and I think it was my way of testing any doubts I may have been having about the relationship. I ended up sleeping with someone else and instead of feeling liberated in our modern society I felt sick and like I had cheated on him because as well as sleeping with this guy I had also caught feelings.

Last Summer as a couple we had an incident where I had a bad drug trip that turned into me screaming at him in paranoia that I didn’t trust him. This lead me to have serve panic for about 9 months and I felt overwhelmed, basically a lot of negative feelings. It was what tipped the boat and it niggled at me why I had told him that I didnt trust him.  The irony of that situation is that he w kept me safe and made sure I was ok.

We met online and due to our age gap my mum in particular disliked our relationship. At first I didn’t care but when things got real and we faced hardship (me being unemployed etc) my parents didnt help me out and in my mind I felt very abandoned by them and felt like they were trying to punish me.

My mum has been emotionally abusive from me being age 11/12 , however, I have so much empathy I understand why she acts the way she does and so I have put up with her craziness over the last five years (even though she has tried to get my boyfriend fired from his job, turn his family against him etc) I still tried to please her because part of me thought “oh she’s older there must be some truth in what shes saying” and even though she may make me feel like crap she’s still my mum. Since breaking up with my boyfriend I have found out that any issues shes had with how I dress, who Im friends with/date, my weight etc have all been her issues and this has lead me to feel like a fool, why did I take it so personally?!

Answers to your questions

1. “I have mechanisms to cope with her (your mother’s) negative comments and actions that have hurt me”- reads like a done deal, that is, no more problems with your mother, mechanisms have been installed, issues solved. Is that it?

A: My mum has criticised my weight and appearance in a conflicting fashion. One minute she will say I’m fat then the next minute tell me I’m beautiful. I put one stone on due to medical reasons and she made such a big deal about it, then when I challenge her about it and try to explain that it really affected me she denies it.

So she has gaslighted me a lot, verbally abused me.

The last straw (is a bit of a blur in my memory) but she got so mad that I was going back to my boyfriend/had been talking to him that she pushed me against a cupboard in my room. – so to me that shows that even if I trust someone so much they can turn instantly and hurt me (I think this is why I have ran away (literally, back to uni) and emotionally from a loving relationship in case I end up in a situation where I upset someone/do something they disapprove of that they would physically attack me.

So basically, its taken me years to even refer to my mum as “toxic” because I understand why she is the way she is (most likely issues from her upbringing/past, how others have treated her) and so when I see her I make sure that after I tell myself things that contradict her statements (e.g if she has commented on my weight I will tell myself I am an average weight for my size, I could be slimmer but the main point is that I am alive and it is a work in progress.)

2. “I put my guard down and tried to fix things because life is short”- fix what?

A: his summer I tried to get us to have an active sex life again / I tried to relax more, but life got in the way and my head wouldn’t stop with the fixating thought that I had to get out of the relationship .

3. “I didn’t have trust issues but now I am worried to let anyone in”- do you mean that you didn’t have trust issues within your toxic family, in the home where you grew up (“I moved out because they were toxic”).

A: I think a lot of this has been answered above. However I will add that as I got older my parents treated me like a child rather than trusting me. They would often let my older brother fix the printer because I wouldnt know how to do it and I often felt like my points arent listened to.

After moving out there have been major trust issues. I moved out in a “runaway” fashion because it was the only way I knew how to. However, I apologised for the hurt I caused (which my mum denies!!) and that it was a mistake but at 18 I knew they wouldnt accept my choice of boyfriend and it was my only option at the time. However, my mum calls me a liar, even though aside from that one action I have been honest with her.

I now feel like my mum has won yet I have come to realise that she is a lost cause. I can go blue in the face and do a psychology presentation on why I fell in love with the man but she will still refuse to accept it. I have NEVER wanted her to accept it, just at the very least respect my decision. My dad for example has asked about my boyfriend and I know that he doesn’t like him either, but it means a lot that he may at least try.

Today has been a better day in terms of I felt like I am capable of being my own person as it were, however, I also came to the sad realisation that I may have just thrown away something that caused me so much happiness to self-sabotage (maybe because I dont feel like I deserve happiness?) and I am wondering if it is possible to even fix it?

I hope I have helped give more information.

Thank you for replying and asking more indepth questions (:

Hi Anita,

I apologise about the late reply. I read your reply but I needed time to process it because whilst I read it I ended up tearing up because your reply just made me realise how much I have emotionally endured and I felt like finally someone hasn’t beaten around the bush and made excuses for my mum.

At the same time I felt guilty because even though this is the internet I still feel like I am “trash talking” someone close to me out in public. I feel like because my mum went through a lot to conceive me I have made excuses but then I decided that nature may have meant that it was difficult for her to go through ivf (which I am aware can be traumatic) but that doesnt mean that I should excuse her behaviour (nurture) and your reply allowed me to allow myself to feel angry and hurt, but then because everything you said rang true and almost was stating the obvious I have been able to come to peace or at least accept/not be a scared living for me.

I went out last night and because of your advise I allowed myself to trust in addition to realising who I couldn’t trust and it felt freeing. I felt like I gained some control. Even though I am still unsure how to know who not to trust etc I am just following my gut instinct and also going on someones actions. I find that at times I have made the mistake of listening to someones words and ignore their actions.

I talked to my ex and got everything off my chest to him about aspects of the relationship, or one main aspect that I was not happy with in a kind manner. I did not want him to feel attacked and I think we both walked away happier. I have told him I wont be in touch because he needs time to heal, but I felt like knowing that I had/have a problem with a certain aspect of our relationship will aid his healing because hes a logical individual so the more info he has about a situation his brain can process an event better and start to heal.

I hope you have had a good day (:

Hi Anita,

Sorry I just checked this thread. Thank you for replying (: It’s amazing how much we put up with and that it can become the norm just because no one tells you that you shouldn’t be putting up with x, y or z.

In real life my mum doesn’t know where I live which gives me security because at my last place she would turn up out of the blue if I hadn’t responded to a message and even though I told her I know that she turned up because of worry but it made me feel like I couldn’t leave the house which caused me to retreat from living essentially for a few days until I felt like I could leave without being confronted about something. It’s one of the reasons why I am happy that my phone is broken because it gives me space. However, I will need to get it fixed at some point for safety reasons.

Currently, the only way we are in contact is via email which gives us distance and I don’t have to have conversations where she quite frankly tells me the most patronising stuff and I just feel like shes nagging.

Thank you for replying, you really have impacted my week for the better (: