I wrote this letter to my extended family years after I chose to become estranged from my parents because many of them cut me out of their lives instead of reaching out to hear my side of the story.
It pains me that I have lost contact with some of them because they refuse to see the full picture, and at times I feel as though I have lost a part of myself. Yet, at the same time, I am free.
The letter you are about to read comes from a place of acceptance and longing. I have chosen to share this letter publicly because I suspect I’m not alone in what I have been through, and I hope my experience can be helpful to others in some small way.
—
I never meant for you to get hurt or caught in the crossfire. I never meant to place you in a situation where you found yourself questioning your loyalties and what you thought was true.
From the outside you saw a happy home. You saw a child receiving educational opportunities and the latest technology, fashion, and trips around the world, and having birthday parties with friends and family.
You saw pictures of vacations and holidays where everyone was smiling and appeared to be happy. You read the Christmas cards and email updates describing family vacations, accomplishments, and happy memories.
You read about my sister getting sick, and you believed the beautiful story of a family coming together to overcome this adversity.
At a family gathering you watched as my parents presented me with a gift before I went away to university. They acted so proud, and you found yourself thinking “What kind and loving parents.”
Then, without warning, you found out that I was not speaking to my parents and they were not even invited to my upcoming wedding.
Maybe you thought about reaching out to me to hear my side of the story, but you didn’t. Instead, you contacted them and you believed their story.
You began to think that I was nothing more than a rude, entitled, spoiled brat who had decided that she didn’t need her family anymore and didn’t want to help her sister with her ongoing health problems because she was marrying into a “better family.”
If you did contact me, you tried to convince me to change my mind. You didn’t listen to me and you became frustrated. You declined my wedding invitation and sent me a pity gift out of duty, or you chose not to respond at all.
The years passed, and when another family member mentioned my name, you either said nothing or asked if I had “grown up and started speaking to my parents again.” Or, you questioned why they would want to continue to have a relationship with me.
What you don’t realize is that I tried. Behind the family gatherings you attended, the pictures you saw, and the stories you heard, a very different picture was being painted. I kept quiet about this picture, and I even helped to paint it out of fear and shame.
At times, I desperately wanted to believe that this picture was true. I tried to convince myself that it was, but I have learned that you can only endure pain and abuse for so long before you either give into it, surrendering yourself in the process, or fight to break free.
After I left for university, I began to change how I saw the picture and I began to accept it for what it was, not what I so desperately wanted it to be.
I reached out to my parents many times, I invited them to come and visit me, and I suggested activities that we would all enjoy together. I came home for holidays and tried to connect with them. I bought them gifts and tried to fill my old role within the family.
Each time I reached out I was rejected; they made excuses as to why they couldn’t come and why they didn’t have more time to spend with me over holidays, and they continued to find ways to tear me down. The pain of this rejection ate away and my sense of self-worth, and I started to question why anyone would love or take a genuine interest in me.
I invited them to award ceremonies and concerts, and while they appeared to express pride over these accomplishments, the story they told me was the same as it had always been:
“You will never amount to anything. You are going to come to a sad end. They only gave you that award out of pity. You only accomplished that by luck. If you had worked harder you could have gotten first place. You are never going to have a successful career—that’s just a pipe dream.”
I never told you about these comments or how they tore apart my self-esteem, causing me to question everything I did and everything I knew to be true, because they told me that you would never believe me, and I didn’t want to cause more conflict.
Out of a sense of compassion I let my parents keep their picture, all the while hoping that you would see mine and reach out to me and be part of my life again.
I hope you understand that no one comes to a decision like this lightly. For most estranged children, this is one of the hardest choices we ever had to make. A choice that we have agonized over with our friends, other therapists, and in the silence of our own minds.
Often it takes years of hurt and pain to accept that we will never have the adult relationship that we want with our parents.
We are taught that relationships with family are the most important relationships we will ever have, and we are socialized to believe that we should continue to have these relationships no matter how they impact us physically and psychologically.
Society has painted a picture of the estranged child as being the problem, the emotionally unstable one, the one who asked their parents for money so many times they bankrupted the family and had to be cut off.
Rarely do you hear the voices of the other side, the voices of the children so desperate for love, validation, and approval that they feel empty and continue to try harder and harder until they break. The children that long for their parents to take a genuine interest in their lives, without judgment, and walk alongside them in support during every phase of life.
But for some of us this picture will never be, and we can either be consumed by that longing or accept the picture that is. I know that this may seem harsh, but sometimes acceptance holds the key to a better life.
Once I accepted the picture that is, I was free. I still saw parents helping their children buy supplies for university, but I no longer wished my parents would come and help me.
I still watched the proud parents with the graduates at convocation and longed to be one of them, and I still found myself imagining what supportive parents might have said at my convocation and my wedding, and yes it still hurts. It might always hurt.
At the same time, I am free from the hope that maybe this time they will come, maybe this time they will be proud of me, and maybe this time I will be enough. I can grieve the loss of what I had hoped for, accept what is, and move forward with my life.
If we ever talk again, you might ask me, “Would you ever talk to your parents now, now that you have grown up and are living the life you want?”
As I start to answer that question I find myself again imagining the relationship I had longed for and still long for, but I stop myself. Instead I will ask you a different question: “Can you please forgive me for the choice I had to make and be a part of my life again?”
Grandma wisely said, “Every choice we make will hurt or impact someone, but sometimes you need to do what is right for you.”
When I chose to stop speaking to my parents, I had to not only grieve the loss of them but you as well.
I don’t feel I can call you and reminisce about that time you taught me how to parallel-park, my failed attempt at making grandma’s Christmas pudding, or the camper I saw that reminded me of the one that grandpa had that we used to play in.
I have no one who has lived through those memories with me to reminisce with, and this only fills me with a greater sense of loss.
If we ever talk again you might ask me: “Do you hate your parents?” The answer is no, I don’t hate them. The truth is I don’t feel anything for them anymore. In my heart I have forgiven them for the pain they caused me, but I don’t want to open the lines of communication to tell them that, not yet, maybe not ever.
As I think back on the relationship, and those years of pain, I acknowledge this experience has made me who I am today.
I strive to live a full life. I fill my days with activities and work that bring meaning to my life and the lives of others. I trust my instincts and I am aware of how people and situations affect my well-being, and I work to reduce the negative impact of these factors whenever possible.
I’m opening up about this experience because I hope you will start to paint a new picture that allows me to be a part of your life again. But if you don’t, then let me use this experience to help others.
I have learned that some people can only give us so much, and I am grateful for the only gift my parents could ever give me—my life, a life I will live to the fullest, and one I want you to be a part of it.
—
To anyone struggling with the choice to become estranged from their parents, let me ask you these questions:
Have you tried many times and been rejected? Do you feel that nothing you can ever do or be will be enough? And finally, do you hear their voices inside your head and then question your ability, your instincts, and your self-worth?
If so, you may need to let go. If you do decide that this is the right choice for you, you will grow in ways you never imagined, and with that growth will come a sense of peace and self-love. You will learn to trust yourself and to care for yourself physically, psychologically, and spiritually which will lead to improved happiness and health.
Researchers have found that abused children do not stop loving their parents; they stop loving themselves. After I stopped speaking to my parents, I became more confident, I began taking risks, and I learned for the very first time to love myself and accept the journey I am on.
I earned two bachelor’s degrees, a master’s, and I started my PhD. I taught at prestigious arts schools and wrote and had articles published. My point is not to brag, only to point out that had I not let go of the relationship with my parents, I never would have accomplished any of these things.
Their stories of what they thought I was incapable of and what I couldn’t be would have held me back, because I would have believed them. My relationship with my parents would have been like a dark seal that I would never have broken through.
If this is true for you as well, know that you likely will not be alone if you decide to cut ties with your parents; odds are, there will be people in your life that will support you and even take on part of the role a loving parent would have taken. These people might be friends, friends’ parents, neighbors, colleagues, or even extended family. Any number of people might step up once they understand your story.
They will be grateful for what you bring to their lives and will love and support you unconditionally. It will not be the same, but you will cherish these relationships because they are positive.
A part of you may always long for a supportive relationship with your parents, but don’t fight this feeling; acknowledge it as a part of your journey.
You might even find yourself questioning this choice years later and wonder if time could have healed this relationship. Remember why you made this choice, remember the pain, and trust that you made the right decision.
Also, realize that you didn’t make this decision alone, although it may feel like it. Your parents helped to make this choice with you through their attitudes, their actions, and their refusal to be a part of your life in the way you needed them to. Knowing this may help to ease your feelings of guilt.
And know this: If you are estranged from your parents, you are strong because you have taken back the paintbrush and are now free to repaint your picture with those who love and support you.
—
UPDATE: In response to some of the reader comments questioning her decision, Jen has posted a video follow-up to her article on YouTube here.
About Jen Hinkkala
Jen Hinkkala is PhD student, researcher, and teacher of arts education in Canada. She strives to understand what factors and experiences lead to higher levels of wellness, resiliency, and self-care among arts educators and students. Jen is also a life coach and specializes in self-care, well-being, time management, performance anxiety, estrangement, overcoming abuse, career paths, and anxiety. Jen runs a support group for estranged adults and a group to support personal development. Follow her here: Twitter / Blog.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Wow!!!
You just dropped into my life and filled the emptiness in my story of abandonment by a skilled display of Motherhood.
I’ve been unconsciously seeking others like us that have survived the unimaginable existence without the love/support that parents naturally provide.
Thank you for your story of strength and truth!
I read every single word with a jolting shared acknowledgment of your loss and disappointment.
We are more than strong!
We are more than resilient!
We are more than loved without them!
I will follow your lead with my concurrence and understanding of our past abuse by those that only gave us life…and that is the ONLY thing that I’m thankful for!
My LIFE…not theirs!💪🏼
Tracey Joslin
Thank you for your kind words
Hello Jen.
I appreciate your sharing of your sensitive situation. Your piece helped me. While I am not estranged, a life of judgement and disapproval from one parent has done its damage. I accepted bad jobs, abusive bosses and partners who were willing to capitalize on my issues.
Decades later I am still grappling with and undoing the lies that I have allowed to hang over me and have a tremendous effect on my self-esteem. To make it worse, I have in the past dismissed my other loving and supportive parent who was smart enough to divorce the offender. I am finally starting to fully embrace all that she has offered in my life and see how truly fortunate I am to have her. I wish I hadn’t placed such value on a broken father’s opinion. I read long ago that accepting responsibility for my reaction to bad parenting is the start of growing up. I agree with your comments that we all go down this path differently and I am happy that you found a solution that works for you.
While I am unwilling to 100% separate myself, I have found healthier emotional guards and negated his lies going forward. It is freeing and scary to stand up for myself and I am moving forward in baby steps. Part of those steps is working on my life’s dream, which he always put down, and not worrying about the outcome. Clearly I have already dealt with rejection from someone I should have been able to depend on. I turned that pain into being a loving and supportive parent (again, I did have a beautiful example of what to do here, thank you Mom).
I know our situations are quite different, but your sharing is inspirational and I wanted to let you know that it has helped.
I wish you continue success in life. Your instinct to share shows that you are doing a great job.
P.S. As a high school teacher, prior to standardized testing season each year, and often parental pressure on students to perform, I would play Alanis Morissette’s song “Perfect” in class. It’s about that exact stress. I can’t tell you the sobbing that would ensue. I would tell them to study, do the best they could and then let it go. It’s a test, not life or death, and they should give themselves a break. I can’t express the gratitude they showed for someone understanding.
Thanks Jen, you gave so much light and ease to a estranged child like me. I can totally relate, thanks so much, your experience help a lot of people I know, that’s for sure. Sending virtual hugs to you.
I have no other relationships. I have a mental illness. I have no money and no job. I’m trapped in hell. I would rather suffer here until I die or kill myself.
Hi Jen I just wanted to say that when I was reading your story I felt you 🙂 I know how it’s like and I was proud of you in every part and step. I’m a 16 year old and my parents had abused me and threatens me and always shove these statements into my face like “you’re life is gonna be miserable, you will not be successful, you will not become a doctor (I’m trying to be one), you’re a bad person, it’s all your fault. But hear this. I was always good with them no matter how much they sided with my jealous toxic siblings (3 brothers) and made me cry a lot of times led me to suicide for 2 times made me question myself that I’m not going to achieve anything and I cannot reach my dreams. They forced me to study for becoming a doctor they stole my childhood dream to become an actress. They never defended me in front my teachers and my father had always talked badly to me and not to mention both my parents are liars and backstabbers. I never told them about my life and they judged cause I’ve tried before and I wasn’t happy with the results they just made it worst or ruined it. They judge me they know nothing about me. I never tell them about my health problems too cause my mom just sits there and nod doesn’t care that I’m in pain or I’m hurting. The thing is they’ve got me depressed and call me crazy that I have to go to an asylum my second brother and my parents they always use this phrase “Asylum facility”. They made my life a hell I’m always in my room locked myself out from the real world. I barely communicate with them like 5 minutes a day or less and they still judge me. I’m the youngest in the family they never took my side never ever for once when I was the right one no matter how my brothers bested me or disrespected me. The worst is my mom then is my dad cause she always plays the victim card to make me sad when she’s a monster no one likes her in the outside people like me so this must be it she’s the one who’s bad not me who she calls and my father lies she does too they don’t know they made me disappointed to the point that I went crazy in y head for days how much their lies had a big impact on my lifestyle. They just want to fight with me. They never say they love me. They never ask me how I am. Do I need anything? If I’m dead or alive. Never checks on me
I just want to graduate and go and put an end to this misery that I’ve been dealing with for years since I found out more about the world and people to take the hint. They always said others are better your classmates. They never sent me to a class to learn something. I don’t have any friends no one at all. I’m all alone. But I just want to get out of this life away from them cut them out but I’m living with them for one more year. I don’t know how I will be able to cut them out. Whatever I’ll do they’ll never be good with me. I’m deciding to study extra this year and go to 12th grade instead of 11th, why? Because of getting away from them soon. I never heard them ask me. What makes you happy or feel good. I always forgive them and never took a grudge on them but they hate me and curses me and wish bad for my future life and forgets all the good things I’ve done for them.
I admire your strength in sharing your story with me. Listen to the voice inside your head that says that what they say about you is not true. Take not of all the things you do well, all the things you like about yourself, and all the things you hope to do. Lean into them. The fact that you know that the relationship is not healthy is a start to setting healthy boundaries and making choices about what you need to do next. If your parents have not told you, you are smart, you are a good writer and you will do good things with your life. Stay strong and remember that it does get better.
Thank you so much for this wonderful post. I have a very, very similar story and feel so betrayed by so many friends and family members who refused to listen to another side of a very complicated story. The loss I feel at time and the ultimate betrayal is something I struggle with regularly. But in the end, we must think about our own well-being. Family should got get a free pass to treat you poorly – they should treat you better than anyone in your life. It’s always nice to know that we’re not alone in our feelings and I truly appreciate your honestly. All the best always…
Thank you for opening up to me about your experience. Family situations can be very complicated but toxic relationships can be so unhealthy that sometimes we have no choice but to walk away.
Absolutely
You hit the nail on the head “complicated story”
I completely identify with you
Bless you
Love & hugs
You are completely right family should not get a free pass to treat you poorly.
Bless you x
Thank you for your courageous post. It took me a long time to finally go no contact with my mother, and yes, it was very difficult and sad in the beginning. There was a lot of mourning to do, but it’s better now. I’ve had more space and time to reflect on who I had to be in order to be in my mother’s life and I didn’t like who I had to be. If you were to meet my mother in a social setting, you’d like her. She’s charming and outgoing. All those family pictures make us look like the perfect family, but our family was the epitome of dysfunctional while looking good.
People would say, “but she had a painful childhood” or “she’s doing the best she can” and I would feel guilty. Finally, with enough therapy, I realized I can’t heal my mother’s pain. I can only heal my own pain and live the life I’ve been given as best I can.
Thank you for your kind words. Pictures can be very deceiving and sometimes people can’t and don’t want to look past them. We should not feel as thought we have cope with they way that someone treats us because of their past but at times we do out of compassion. It can be very difficult.
You are so right all we can do is heal our own pain (((hugs)))
Do you have a social media page, Jen? I would like to follow you if you’re offering this kind of material. There isn’t enough of it.
I am working on that and can let you know when I have it up. I do have a facebook page and you can find the link on my bio.
I will also try to find the link on your bio to get to your Facebook page.
Thank you
I completely agree I would like to see a social media page on this kind of material as well. As you say there isn’t enough of it.
Hi Jen,
Thank you for sharing this post.
Feeling that you’re not accepted and loved unconditionally by the people who gave you life is so incredibly hard and painful.
It makes you question who you are and your worth as a person.
And you are right there is a relief that comes with accepting that the situation will never change.
You described this process very beautifully, I hope you continue to find love and peace on your journey xx
I have been very fortunate to have the support of close friends who understand what I went through. Thank you for your kind words.
Thank you for this open and courageous post. I have a very similar experience and it was really so nice to be able to read this and understand how it’s impacted someone who has cut off communication. I haven’t been able to do that as it’s not common in my culture but I’ve tried to reduce communication to pleasantries and no personal sharing of information as that’s what’s often used to bring one down.
I already feel the difference in myself. You spoke of the sadness that they’re not going to be there but the self love that grows and I can totally see that.
Thank you for sharing your story ❤️
Cultures place an importance on staying connected with family at all costs and yet this can be very damaging when family members are toxic. I am glad you have found a way to cope that allows you to protect your well-being. Thank you for your kind words.
Wow you certainly learnt some very valuable coping tools and mechanisms by reducing communication to pleasantries and not sharing personal information which is often used against you to bring you down. You sound like you learnt to become very strong in the situation because I’m sure you suffered quite a lot of interrogation.
Bless you and lots of hugs thank you for sharing your story.
I’m very sorry for what you’ve been through with your parents. Your siblings should have been more supportive! They must have seen the difference in the way you were treated compared to them. Not fair and very wrong and my heart goes out to you.
My siblings have been treated the same way as me but are still in denial about the situation. I do not have much of a relationship with them because they continue to tell me that I am in the wrong. That said I have friends who have become like sisters.
I get it! For me, my siblings were 8 & 13 years younger. They were raised without any abuse. It’s as tho we were raised by 2 different mothers. Unfortunately seeing she was capable of being a loving mother to my siblings made the pain of her abuse to me hurt 10 fold. And because they are so much younger, they don’t remember how it was for me. They only know what she told me, never asking for my side. Unfortunately at this point, I’m still trying to find the trust to make friends close enough to call sisters. I’m also still trying with my siblings despite the wall they’ve built. I truly believe that there’s still a chance, thru true honesty, persistence, & growth.
I admire your hope and your faith.
(((HUGS)))
That’s really painful especially when they’re in denial… however I’m really glad you have friends who have become like sisters.
(((Hugs)))
Thank you for this this from the bottom of my heart.
Your most welcome.
Thank you for your share that make me realise that I am not alone in my situation. I decided to cut the communication with my mother in last december. It was verry difficult for me because since I was a kid I tried to take care of my mother , I supposed it was the way for me to convinced her to love me like I needed. I tried to have a better relashionship with her a lot of time. When I was a teeneager she abused me mentally and physically but I always minimise the impact of what she did to me because in my head its what I deserved for not being a good child. She said so many time that I don’t have heart that I finnally started to believe that it was true. I think my heart was dammage for this relashion ship for a long time and since 2 or 3 years I started to see her less and less ans I met so good friend that make me believe that I maybe deserve love finally. In december , I decided to not see her anymore because I had to let go of the image that I want her to be for me (a mother). I decided to take care of myself and not of herself , to take care of the little girl inside of me in need of love.
I didn’t want to hurt her because its like you said even she did terrible things to me i still love her but now I try to love me more and I don’t want her to be part of my life anymore for now.
🖤
I am glad you found the courage to walk away and are in a place of expectance. Thank you for your kind words.
I am so glad you learnt to parent yourself that’s really healthy
Lots of love and hugs xo
Good morning
Jen first I’m so sorry you experienced so much pain and lose . I read your writing and so much seems to ring true to my own life experience.
It’s a hard lesson to learn to parent ourselves and except we all have our own expectations of what life should be.
As I write this I to find myself on that path of accepting myself and needing much rest right now as I start rebuilding my strength to trust and let love in from those who I choose to tell my story of pain abuse and lose of childhood innocents ,
I tried many times to find love and acceptance from my parents only to be rejected or maybe it was my miss trust of those who should have been my care givers.
Right now I don’t even know who I am . All I know in my heart having kept a lid on this for what I know to be my whole life time , I am never going back to having anyone tell me don’t talk . That kid is of it out people have to deal with it . I’ve had to live with it I’ve lost . I’ve survived and life can only be on my terms now , I have nothing but admiration love and big respect for you .
Victorious we will be xx
Thank you for your kind words, hope you find energy and strength.
Beverly you sound like you’re on the path to healing taking time to rest and rebuild your trust and your life.
I’m so sorry that you suffered so greatly and lost your childhood innocence, but as you continue to parent yourself I pray you will regain a new kind of childhood innocence, as I have managed to do in my life.
Lots of love and big hugs xoxo
Thank you so much for sharing. I have had to let go as well as there is no road to understanding. It takes 2 parties who are willing to look at faults and errors, and to grow, back together. If the other family member or members can only see negative and are defensive, the wall will forever stay up. Walking back into false family togetherness is more damaging than staying out of it. In fact, I advocate for gathering loving healthy positive people close and moving away from those who make us doubt our worth and make us work so hard to gain attention and something that looks like love.
I could not agree with you more!
You’re absolutely right…
One cannot hold up a sinking ship sooner or later your arms are going to get tired
Ditto.
Funny…..I NEVER felt even a twinge of guilt about it. And I am an HSP so you would think I’d take that guilt on. After, I let them go, I felt quite literally a dark gray cloud lift from me (as they let go of me?). I could start to breathe.
The rest of my entire family does not speak to me (19 years already) and my closer relatives took on the role of punishing me. I didn’t put up with it – I fought back. Against my God-like Doctor Uncle. My sister, my Aunt, etc.
Yes I’m alone, no family. But I’m very strong and happier, freer.
Didn’t want this soap opera to happen…but then I didn’t create Their “stuff”.
No you did not create it and you can not take responsibility for it.
What happens when your situation is the opposite. And it’s the child. Not you? And disrespect.
Eva- I’m also an HSP with ZERO guilt about finally letting go of my alcoholic, pill-abusing Mother. I kept getting sucked back in to her world for years and 2 months ago I broke free. No more black cloud/anxiety/fear/shame/non-worthy feelings here. She is a master manipulator and that relationship nearly killed me. I moved 2500 miles away 20 months ago and now I’m removed from it psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, AND physically. I’ve found family here that I got to pick because they are healthy and positive versus the constant abuse I grew up with and experienced all my life. I agree with all your points!
I had similar experience. I was 59 when I let my parents go. Couldn’t cope with them. Years of oppression control and bullying I had tried to address with them. I am free now but not one other family member supported me or even tried to hear my side. They are all history now.
Hi Jen
This was a very interesting and heartfelt post written from your point of view as an adult child who chooses to remain estranged from parents who are at fault because the problem lies with them.
It will be even more interesting when you find that you yourself have become a parent whose adult children reject you and estrange themselves from you, after deciding that the problem lies with you.
Then you will see both sides of this situation. You will see many truths that you don’t, can’t or won’t see now. But sadly, by then, it will probably be too late.
Unless both sides are willing and able to show love, forgiveness, compassion and mercy to each other now, everyone just continues to lose, and to miss each other, often forever.
Hello Serena I hope that you had loving supportive parents. You probably did, so you perhaps cannot realise that some relationships even with family, are to destructive to be worth saving.
Serena, I have met people who have no awareness that to have a family member damaging your worth constantly, a family member who is most likely too damaged themselves or too mentally ill to love, is the greatest loss in the world. No amount of trying to fix things will change what is. To finally make the decision to let go, is the hardest decision one can make. I wondered if I was what other people who see me as, and maybe you do too, selfish and mean. I had to come to terms with those feelings and remove myself from the lives of those who hurt me deeply on a continuous basis. It is not about forgiveness and moving on. It’s about self care and self preservation. Being with toxic people, is toxic, especially when they are people who are supposed to love you and have your best interests at heart. You can still love these people, but you don’t have to be in their presence. I made this choice as well and it was the hardest, healthiest choice I’ve ever made. I have no anger, just sadness for what my family threw away over and over again. As you said, both sides need to be willing to work, with open hearts. Closed hearts, angry, judgemental hearts, cannot move forward.
Thank you for your post. If both sides are not willing to work on a relationship it can’t work and no amount of trying will change things.
I wanted to relay that very message but couldn’t get the wording quite right. I agree with what you are saying. Jen never did mention sitting down with her parents to have a heartfelt talk about what was bothering her and how much she was hurting. Honest communication is key, as no one is a mind reader. I also know raising each and every child with different personalities and predisposed genetic traits is all a crap shoot at the best and one can only hope all their kids come out unscathed. It’s not easy dealing with everyone’s difference personalities and needs. You usually don’t know you’ve made a mistake until after it is made. Parenting is the toughest job in the world because you are dealing with other people’s lives.Children seem to not realize their parents were children and still are children to. They are products of their upbringings. Hopefully Jen will some day sit down to have an adult talk with her parents and in the meantime I truly believe everyone has it in them to be the best they can without blame no matter what.
To me, too many parents have forgotten what it was like being a child.
Food for thought!
Most likely, like my situation, the ‘child’ was taught not to speak up, talk back, say anything…and tried to be respectful and loving in a hopeless situation that they controlled. Because I was a good, loving daughter, I tried until I was 50 years old. Yes, I absolutely wish I had Spoken Up but when you are censored and beaten down, you don’t dare. There is no room for discussion. Ever. And the entire rest of the family supports THEM. Until you reach the point where you have to Get Out to save your Soul.
Easy, Serena and Holly, when you are looking from the outside in.
Well stated, Eva. Too many of us have been shut down because the parents have this attitude that they are always right and as long as you live in their house, you have no rights at all. None of us were asks if we had wanted to be brought into this world.
I can completely identify with you Eva…
We were to be seen and not heard…
I’m glad that you can find your voice here on this forum…
Be proud that you were a good and loving daughter and I’m really sorry that you were not appreciated…
And yes it took you 50 years of continuously trying, but you had no choice but to cut the umbilical cords… it’s called self Preservation.
It took me a long while too, the best part of 40 odd years…
Lots of love and hugs to you xoxo
Absolutely right both sides need to be willing and able to show love forgiveness compassion and mercy to each other… there is no perfect parent… hopefully it won’t be too late for our own children.
Bless you xo
Jen, this reply will be clumsy and incomplete, as the topic hits close to home. Of course my heart goes out to you for your pain. Those of us who had abusive childhoods continue to struggle with the after-effects even when we have grown and learned and transformed, through therapy, spirituality, etc. I would just like to add a somewhat different perspective, not at all negating or disparaging your choices, which seem to be working powerfully for you, just to offer an “and” not a “but”.
Of course, as you came to realize, we MUST refuse to allow others to abuse us and even more, we MUST protect ourselves from absorbing the negative self-image messages they send. As I often say to clients, just because someone hands you a plate of s*** doesn’t mean you have to ask for a spoon :). However, the true power within (because “power over” is so tenuous) is being able to occasionally be exposed to them, even with their negative energy, and still remain centered and totally safe, refusing their “offering” while perhaps not needing the total estrangement which both feeds their “victim” story (and lets them avoid looking at themselves) and loses you the company and sangha of extended family.
For me (and everyone’s story, resources, and circumstances are so different), finally learning to set VERY strong clear limits on what I would engage with and when it was time to withdraw decisively though temporarily, and finally learning that “it’s just sound waves” (once I was no longer the easy target of the physical abuse), allowed me some precious time, in the years before my Mom passed away, of finding out strengths and caring I never knew I had. And now I know that while I will decisively avoid situations of unnecessary pain, I also am strong enough to be in the middle of pain, which may sometimes be inevitable, and not turn it to suffering.
That said, sometimes a full break when possible is our most powerful choice, and I am glad you have found support both internally in your wisdom and externally in your friendships and your generous sharing.
Thank you for your wisdom.
AMEN! Well said!
Thank you; just tried to provide a slightly different path that could keep one protected from harm even in the midst of the storm. A lot of different views here.
A magnificent tool to be strong enough in the middle of pain which sometimes maybe inevitable, and not turn it to suffering… I think possibly we all can eventually get to that place, at some stage in our life.
Thank you for this beautiful share! I decided to do this with my bio-parents a couple of years ago after many years of physical, mental and emotional abuse. In fact, my bio-mom called me yesterday and I just reaffirmed my boundaries saying I had no interest in having any relationship to her and my bio-dad.
Even as an adult, I kept hoping one day they will really see me and love and accept me just as I was. After leaving a terrible, abusive relationship, I was homeless with 4 kids in tow trying to get my life together. We were jumping from home to home- friends helped as much as they could. It was so stressful, difficult and one of the darkest times of my life. I finally found a little space in a temple and began building my life from there. During that time, my biological dad (as I address him) was very ill and my biological mother begged me for help. I abandoned the little temple space to help them. I stayed and helped. When I needed help babysitting while working, my bio mom demanded I pay her to watch her own grandchildren (even though I barely had any money). Finally when my bio dad got better, he told me to get out and never once thanked me for my sacrifices. He continued to say I brought all the bad things into my life (hardship and struggle) because I was stupid and called me all kinds of terrible names and said he would never help me. My bio mom just sat there and nodded her head in agreement as she always did. I was hurt and became livid! I didn’t deserve this treatment and I no longer needed to maintain this dysfunctional relationship anymore just because we were tied by blood. My friends treated me much better than my family ever did. I choose a family of choice, not origin. My life has been better without their constant criticism and judgement. I am free.
I am sorry you have lived through such hardship but I am gland that you have support.
I can’t tell you how much I admire and respect you for breaking away. I just wish I’d had the courage to break away from my emotionally and physically abusive adoptive father and his equally toxic second wife decades ago, not doing so has left me with numerous regrets As for the rest of your family. They may possibly be in denial. After all, who wants to believe that members of their family have acted as your own parents did. Perhaps you have heard the saying ” You can’t choose your family, but you can choose your friends” Choose carefully whom you allow into your life. Take care and the best of luck for the future.
Thank you so much for your kind words.
I too am adopted narcassism seems to be very prominent in some adoptive parents a study has been done on it in fact ..my AF was full blown narc ..
Very interested in that study. Link? Thanx
I would like to see that study. If you could post a link here that would be good. Thank you,
I’ve been waiting to make a connection with others that have been through the same kind of pain and challenging discourse as I have growing up with parents with a dysfunctional point of view towards relationships and power; I finally hit the jackpot! ✨
P. S. I could have written this article; Lord knows I’ve gone through these same challenges of abandonment and pain within my own immediate family.
“Every day connections are more important than we ever believed. Science tells us that relationships have the power to shape our brains. Relationships help us learn better, work better, parent better. When we experience tough times, they help us heal. With each connection, we develop a healthier, stronger community.”
It is true…if we keep searching and believing in the power of healthy connections in making sense of our painful world, we open up to the possibilities of hope, and others who can help us understand and make somewhat sense of where we’ve been.
I am sorry you lived through this pain but I am glad you learned from it.
I too can relate to this…. like you I have also learnt from it… however it has been a long painful and lonely journey.
(((Hugs)))
I’ve just replayed to Serena because she brought up a very good point. No one is saying your wrong, just that it’s not so cut and dry especially when you siblings were treated the same but it affected you more deeply. You didn’t mention discussing your feelings with your parents and maybe in some ways an attempt at that could have very been all that was needed to avoid the estrangement. Not judging, just saying.
Eva, I assure you, I’m not looking from the outside in. Far from it! I can relate personally to each and every post here in one way or another and more.
I tried many times to talk to my parents through every means possible, phone in person, letters and email. Thy refused to listen. I don’t ever see reconnecting with in my future as much as a happy ending would be nice.
Since you’ve tried many times like you said and received nothing but the brush off, then good for you to stand up for yourself and become your own woman! Be the best you can and have an amazing life😁💃
Thank you! I do! I think you can share the article if you note where you got it and cite me as the author but I don’t know for sure. You will need to look into that. Thank you again.
Thank you. I can reference you as the source of inspiration/author with a link to this page as I have done with others’ sources. Thank you with a million smiles. 🙂
Hi Michael could you send a link to your poetry page
Mike, can I get a link too? I love crappy rhymed poetry.
Thanks for the info, I must look into this study to see how it workes out.
i cannot send you the exact link but can refer you to adoptee rights australia and adoptee truama and recovery facebook page which is where the article was they have some excellent recources
Would you send me the link as well? I too am adopted. My ‘father’ is a malignant narc, He is also an alcoholic and physically abusive father and spouse to my mother.
I have turned your statement into a poem (slight changes but did my best to keep it as is). I hope you like it. Cheers. Will it be ok to share?
……………………………….
What My Parents Did to Me and Why I Cut Them Out of My Life
I wrote this poem to my extended family a while ago
When I chose to be estranged from my parents, you know
Because many of them just disowned me
Instead of reaching out to hear my story
It pains me that I have lost their contact
By them refusing to see the full picture impact
I feel I have lost a part of my heart
Yet I am free with a new jump-start
‘I never meant for you to get hurt in the crossfires
To place you in a situation questioning your loyal desires
From the outside you saw a happy home
Being happily guarded by an old gnome
You saw a child receiving opportunities
Latest technologies, fashion and birthday parties
Education opportunities and sports
And other things of all sorts
You saw photos of holidays with millions of smiles
Trips overseas travelling eleventy seven thousand miles
You read the Christmas cards every year
Every accomplishment received a big cheer
Happy memories of family togetherness
Overcoming adversity with my older sister’s illness
You believed in the beauty
Of this coming together story
At family gatherings you watched my parents’ pride
With the gifts replacing their love missing from inside
Then, without warning, you found out
My parents ignored me without a doubt
Maybe you did thought about it some
But you contacted them, believing the humdrum
You never gave me your ears
To tell you about my hidden fears
To you, I became nothing more than a rude, spoilt brat
Who decided that she did not want the family’s format
Not appreciating what they did for me
Because I was marrying him, you see
Towards me, you became very unkind
You did try to convince me to change my mind
Causing so much frustration
Declining my wedding invitation
Years passed and you never spoke good of my name
Thinking I was playing some selfish immature game
”Has she grown up yet?” you had stated
As you believe all the lies being created
You got caught in their cold web of deceit
You said ”Why would she do this, has me beat?”
Since then I have forever cried
Always wanting you to know I tried
What you do not realize, my family are not sainted
From what you saw, a very different picture was painted
The photos you saw, the stories you heard
A lot of things you were told was absurd
I kept quiet with all the hidden truths around
I painted it out and squashed it into the ground
Out of fear and shame of course
You just never heard the real source
At times, I desperately wanted to believe this was true
I tried to convince myself that it was and all just for you
But I have learned to endure it all for so long
The pain and abuse and other things wrong
The hidden sadness in my heart grows tired
Either I will fight to break free and be so fired
Or I give in to it, surrendering myself
Putting my happiness on the shelf
I reached out to my parents many times for a while
But they shrugged me of as some ungrateful juvenile
I saw them at holidays and eventful days
To connect with them in their own ways
I invited them to watch my archery skills
But they shut me out and never saw my thrills
Worst of all they ignored my babies
With false promises and maybes
Each time I reached out I was rejected with excuses
Why they did not come, have no time with their refuses
They continued to find ways to tear me down
Saying that I make foolish choices like a clown
The pain of rejection ate my sense of self worth
I questioned myself, why was I put on this earth?
Why would anyone love me, oh why?
If this was all true before I hide and cry
No matter what accomplishments, achievements I gained
”You will never amount to anything” and the like rained
”You have no life with that bum!” They said
”It was a mistake to have you!” I did dread
”You are so too dumb to get anything right”
They pushed me away under a guise of delight
Criticised every aspect of my life
Sometimes ending in bitter strife
I never told you about these comments tearing me apart
Causing me to question everything in my broken heart
They told me that you would never believe me
And I did not want any more conflict, you see
So in the long run it became a permanent fixture
Out of compassion, I let my parents keep their picture
Hoping that you would see mine
And be part of my life would be fine
I hope you understand that these choices I sadly make
For most estranged children this is the hardest to take
Choices we have agonized over and over again
With no answers to take away all this pain
And with my confidence they will always chip
As my parents refused any adult relationship
But you never saw into my soul
Seeing I was lost in a deep black hole
Society has painted the child being as the problem
The emotionally unstable ones, it has always been them
Rarely do you hear the voices from the sadness
Desperate for love, validation amid the madness
Longing for parents to take a genuine interest
Without any judgement for the children to digest
To be there with plenty of support
Instead being put down with a snort
But for some of us this picture will never ever be around
As sometimes there is no-one to listen to our silent sound
Consumed by that longing to be embraced
Or accept the whole picture that is encased
I no longer wished my parents to help me
Once I accepted the picture, I felt so free
It still hurts, might always hurt
That is why you say I am an introvert
I still watch proud parents supporting their offspring
And I do imagine and yearn for the same loving thing
I know that this may sound harsh but I feel it
Sometimes acceptance holds the key to admit
For a much better life for me to enjoy and to live
As I know I can grow strong enough to forgive
I cannot force change on anyone
But I hope no more you will shun
At the same time, I can grieve on the loss of my hopes
Accept what is and move upwards on life’s ropes
If we ever talked again, you might ask how
”Would you ever talk to your parents now?”
Instead, I will ask you a different question
If I only can get your uncontaminated attention
Can you forgive me for the choice?
If you take a moment to hear my voice
Granny wisely said, ”Every choice will hurt someone”
But you need to do what is right for you and have fun
When I stopped speaking to my parents
You as well were gone from any events
I do not feel I can call you and reminisce
With all our memories that I really miss
I have no-one to enjoy those
With a sense of loss, I suppose
You might ask, ”Do I hate them?” If we talked again
The answer is no, but I have forgiven them for the pain
I just do not want to tell my parents yet
Maybe not ever, maybe left as a closed set
I just do not feel much for them anymore
As I rather be walking along the seashore
My babies need me to be strong
Making them feel as they belong
Thinking back on those years of pain in every way
I acknowledge this experience made me who I am today
I strive to live a full life, working so hard
Bring meaning to life, negatives barred
Trusting my instincts and being so aware
And showing every factor that I really do care
No more pains dominate me
Because I will be always free
I am opening right up about this experience to you to see
Hoping you can really start to paint a new picture about me
To be a part of your life again very soon
But if you don’t then let others have my tune
I have learned that some can only give so much
I am grateful that my life is now great and such
A life living to the fullest, never quit
And one I want you to be a part of it.’
That’s really cool Michael how you’ve made this into a poem
Lol you’re insulting the audience with your treatment of a serious subject with RHYMED POETRY. Free Verse or don’t write, thank you.
I’m not going to waste my time reading this bs!! I’m a mom of an estranged daughter (her choice) of 7 painful years! I have no clue why she chose this. If I was too controlling, maybe! Doesn’t matter. Everything is fixable!! I’m just sickened at the mentality these young adults have. They have severe mental issues. Healthy people don’t do this!!
It’s become an epidemic!!! Our friends whose a family law lawyer says It’s staggering how many cases of estrangement he deals with weekly. Sadly, more and more parents are disowning their toxic children. Goes both ways.
Wow, to think that an entire generation of parents are all narcissists, and toxic!!
In all fairness to your parents, you adult children should be going after your grandparents, not your parents, because your grandparents are the the ones who raised your toxic parents ,who did the best they knew how with what they were taught. While your at it those great grandparents of yours shouldn’t get off the hook so easily either.. They really messed up your grandparents. I say for some of the grown up children in these posts you have made the right decision based on catastrophic treatment, but the rest of you, you could work it out if you really wanted to. Just tuck that big monster EGO in your back pocket and be an adult.!
speaking of toxicity…
Dear Tina. You are too amazing to be heartbroken about this any longer. Find something you really love or want to do in your life and go for it full force. Never give her the satisfaction of knowing you are still grieving this loss. She’s the one who lost and one day it’s going to hit her hard. It always does.💗And Hugs
I am sorry that your daughter cut you out of her life. This must be very painful for you. You say that everything is fixable but in order to repair a broken relationship both sides need to be willing to change their behaviour, and respect the other parties boundaries. This was not the case in my situation. In order to be healthy I needed to walk away from these abusive relationships.
I agree with you sometimes after trying everything there is no choice
Self Preservation is paramount
Bless you and lots of hugs xoxo
Right on sister
oh ok, you won’t waste time reading “bs” but you sure can take the time to leave a comment, not knowing a single thing about what this writer has been through? Just because your own daughter was estranged? Do you seriously have a belief that all estrangements are the same? You know nothing about the writer’s situation and projecting your own stuff onto her is absolutely unfair and uncalled for.
True
Tina I’m so sorry for the pain and the heartache that you are feeling from your daughter cutting you off…
And the 7 long painful years for you.
I pray that your wounds can heal and there will be some reconciliacion if possible.
I have been through a similar pain and suffering to you and has resulted in my own children being estranged…
There are many different stories and circumstances and Tina it’s not for us to judge others.
May you continually be blessed and healed.
Wow Lynn, it is actually lovely to read your response. By any chance have you reconciled with your children? It sounds like you’ve grown and transformed from the situation? How were you able to get to this point of seeing the “bigger picture” just out of curiosity if you feel comfortable to share? Thanks for your point-of-view and being able to see both sides; it’s truly remarkable!
I am so sorry to hear you and your daughter estranged. That must be really tough, especially since you feel you don’t have any reasons why. Maybe reading the article might actually give you some insight @TinaAnderson, since you stated you don’t know why your daughter chose to be estranged from you? Just a suggestion to help you possibly get some answers or perspectives from this daughter’s perspective who wrote the article? The majority of adult children who take this choice actually make this choice with the counseling and advice of therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists, so it usually isn’t something they just decided overnight. Also, studies show Estrangement is the last-resort and that the overwhelming majority of adult children who made this choice agonized and did not want to make this decision at all because they actually truly love their parents, siblings and family members but feel they cannot either communicate well together as a whole, or they cannot continue the ongoing various traumas, dramas, and dysfunctions.. What’s surprising is that most adult children don’t leave due to having been physically abused; many left because they felt not seen, not accepted as they were, felt emotionally bullied, badgered, picked-on, like they couldn’t get a word in edgewise, that they didn’t have their own identity, weren’t respected as their own person and felt like they were just an extension of their mother or father. Many felt pushed to perform—like they had to act, look, and behave in a certain way in order to be loved (which isn’t unconditional love). If they were subjected to this kind of behavior the vast majority of their life, once into adulthood, when trying to exercise independence, if they feel the parent still infantilizes them or treats them in these same ways, they finally “break” and can’t take it anymore. Maybe this gives you some of the insight into the research that’s out there. I will note this, too: healthy people aren’t controlling. And, healthy people don’t resort to name-calling when they can’t see the other side. Healthy people also read ALL sides, all viewpoints in order to get a global picture—so it might help you to read some stories or books on adult children who chose estrangement. The adults who have made this choice are not necessarily mentally ill as you’ve suggested—most are leaving subtle dysfunction, trauma, exhausting drama, and even abuse and toxicity they have withstood for years. I hope you find your answers regarding your daughter. While she made this choice, I am certain it has also been terribly painful for her just as it has been for you these past 7 years. I do hope you can find some peace.
I am a mother of an estranged adult daughter. It’s been 9 painful years of no contact ( her choice) I respect those of you that have suffered real abuse by the hands and actions of a parent.
I find a cure-for-all estrangement so lacking of spiritually and emotionally maturity by therapist suggesting it’s the proper way to deal with unresolved feelings.
I was a divorce mother raising my daughter alone and working 2 jobs to make ends meet ( no child support) I have no doubt she felt abandoned by me, many times… although my mother lived with us and helped me raising her.
I must have made hundreds of mistakes during the years, but nothing was done to hurt her or out of selfish needs for myself.
I am not an abusive person and never have been, yet I’ve been falsely accused of such. I am not a narcissist either ( have asked to be tested 3 different times) and yet falsely accused of that as well.
My life stopped the day my only child, my daughter decided to walk out along with my then 2 years old grandchild.
The only happy person in this situation is my daughter’s husband. Who has made it clear to everyone who knows him, that “ He won”
.. there was never a competition other than on his own mind.
I understand the need to tell your story and support groups, I know there are a lot of people hurting from abusive parents. But it would probably be best serving the public reading this page TinyBuddha if you elaborated on the abuse, and differentiate REAL abuse VS other causes.
Thank you for allowing me to share my view. 🙏🏻
Exactly! The term “abuse” just like “trauma” is extremely overused…minimizing when folks truly have experienced actual abuse and trauma. To write this vague article and start FB pages is just an over identification with the negative narrative, true or untrue of her parents treatment of her. I just don’t see the relevance or the greatest good served in it. Not a good article at all, just sorry I read it.
I’ll have to disagree with you somewhat. I agree that some more detail may have given you the means to sort out how to evaluate her situation, but the focus of the article was really not about proving the blame of the parents / proving that she was a victim but rather given that is her impression, what it was like to be in her shoes and what she should and did do about her situation
if you read the comments by other people, you will also see that she is not alone as part of the point is to validate a group of marginalized people whose concerns tend to be stigmatized away when they feel it is necessary to walk away a toxic situation
the point really is to highlight what the struggle to walk away was like and what she wished those around her understood and to give a voice to people like her
Well said. ❤
Ah, so you’re the trauma police! You’re so needed here. Where exactly do folks apply for an official suffered-real-abuse stamp? Do you have a website to fill out a form and state what was experienced that you can approve or disapprove if it was “real” trauma?
A negative narrative CAN be a true, misunderstood, under-validated narrative. A parent’s love & support is vital for every human’s growth. If you had that love & support, you may be unable to empathize with those of us who didn’t have that. We have to learn how to mature & find peace in some other way. Please don’t squelch our efforts to support one another, that just adds to us trying to make it. That’s just going out of your way to be cruel. We choose to be better despite people like that. THAT’S the point of the article!
I think your situation highlights the difference between a parent who tried to do her best but it wasn’t felt to be enough vs someone who was indifferent to their impact on their child – the latter which is more the thrust of the article and makes the estrangement necessary and appropriate.
agreed that the labels like abuse are overused. That doesn’t mean that the concepts are false, only that they need to be assessed on a case by case basis. Some more detail would have helped but I think the story of how the parents constantly were a toxic presence tearing her down from an early age on is certainly maltreatment.
Their behaviour was not a crime, it’s not really something you can call child services for, however it that doesn’t mean it is not very destructive and it is certainly grounds when it is unrepentant that it is time to walk away and not look back.
At very minimum, why would you choose to continue a relationship where you are not truly wanted or valued?
Spot on! And making the decision to tell wasn’t an option to me, & most children of abuse. We’re groomed to believe we’re responsible & we love our abusers regardless & just want it to stop, not to get anyone in trouble. Back then, our teachers & neighbors didn’t report. Teachers made school our safe place & neighbors minded their own business. BTW, I became a teacher. ❤
Unfortunately it sounds as tho your daughter has listened to a narcissistic & controlling spouse. When I became a mother I began to see the times my Mother worked very hard to raise me (8 years old when they divorced) & my newborn sister with only $100 child support a month. She worked fulltime & rarely missed a day & went to college nights to get office training. She refused food stamps or any other assistance. It had to be a huge load while mourning the breakup of her marriage. Unfortunately it became habit to take her frustrations out on me, who looked, walked, & talked like the man who “ruined” her life. I loved my Mother greatly but I didn’t like her. I pray that your daughter will mature & gain the strength to break free from her husband’s hold & come back around to work things out with you as an adult. It would be awful to be alienated from my children & grandchildren. My heart goes out to you. God has a plan & I don’t believe He would plan for family’s to be estranged. 😢🙏❤
I Can Relate Emmensly To This Story. Our Voices Will Be Heard & Thanks For Sharing.
Thank you!
Take responsibility! I cannot fathom that this site deemed this article publish worthy. This article just illuminates your utter lack of self awareness…and from the pic, at your old ass age, still, really? So your parents, according to you, weren’t your daily cheerleaders, or weren’t in all the non-public times gushing over you. But let me guess, some therapist type has given you, along with the other pro-this-article commenters the tag “narcissistic parents” to assign to them now. Really, you being the one needing praise at all costs makes them the narcissist, huh. Wow, how’s that work? It sounds like after all this time you still completely align with your alleged “parent placed wound” thus you’re still unhealed. Please don’t have children of your own. Parenting is no joke and to do it with utterly no concept of self reliance, taking responsibility and forgiveness as you’ve detailed right here, you’d sure do this world no favors. Life tip, everywhere you go, there you are…you’re estranged from how many people versus the number of people your parents have allegedly “abused.” You out yourself replying to a comment when mentioning your own sibs who have a relationship with your apparently atrocious, terrible parents. Forgive and love yourself a lot more, and maybe then you’ll find a way to extend that to your parents. Best of luck.
Parents can be toxic – sometimes parents try their best but it isn’t always enough, well those do warrant exploring forgiveness and attempts to reconcile, etc.
But others, like in this case, there was an absence of goodwill and with no acknowledgement or care of how that would hurt a young child and they continued to carry on hurting her, with every encounter leaving yet just another wound
it takes maturity and courage to let go of the hope that keeps putting you in such a toxic situation and walk away. Which is the whole point of the article to encourage people to consider
The socialization most people have, including those reflected in your crude comments, encourages people to continue to stay where they need to leave – akin to a battered women or spouse of an alcoholic realizing it is time to leave no matter how much they long for the relationship to be better. You’re no better than those who tell the battered wife to give her husband another chance
Hi Carl. I too am suffering due to narcissitic parents and Rebecca’s insensitive comment has hurt me a lot. I come across such people daily blaming me when I share my pain with them. The fact that other people don’t want to see and accept my pain leaves me feeling lonely and helpless. I want to ask for help, but the fear of being invalidated keeps holding me back. I feel it is very unfair that people like us, not only have to suffer due to lack of basic love and care since childhood, but also have to deal with insensitive society, who instead of helping us heal, creates more pain. How do you deal with such emotional invalidation and the pain which comes with it? Will I ever find people who will understand my situation and the horrible abuse I was put through? Will I ever find people who will truly love and care for me?
Hi Gongiu, I am sorry you have experienced pain, it is not easy being in this situation.
How do you deal with such emotional invalidation and the pain which comes with it?
First I remember that I don’t have to tell everyone my story, it is my story, so if I think that someone is not going to be kind to me that I just don’t tell them. If it does come up and they make comments that are unkind or insensitive I do one of 3 things, I tell them how those comments make me feel, I ask them how they might feel if they had been abused and were in my situation or a tell them that the conversation makes me feel uncomfortable and I change the subject.
Will I ever find people who will understand my situation and the horrible abuse I was put through? People who have been through what you have are going to be the most understanding, that is what I have found. I would encourage you join the facebook group as people feel connected to a community of people who understand.
Will I ever find people who will truly love and care for me? Yes, you will it might take time but you will. I once asked this question myself and I found that the answer was to start by loving myself and except the journey that I am on. I hope this helps a bit
I havent been through this personally but people close to me have so I can only comment second hand
It’s a hard thing as societal norms, especially in non-western cultures, creates a strong pressure to conform to the correct narrative. There are good reasons for that. Kids can also be unfair to their parents, unrealistic expectations, ungrateful, etc. It’s easier to counter this narrative when there is explicit abuse – physical violence, sexual, drugs/ alcohol – yet even that often isn’t enough as families are good at hushing people up to save face too. but when the relationship is caustic, invalidating, shaming and destructive, it is much more subtle for a 3rd party to understand when everything on the surface seems ok
Some suggestions that occurred to me just thinking out loud about your question
-talk to people who aren’t personally connected to those who hurt you – they wont feel the need to defend them/ get offended the same way and can be more neutral
-avoid inflammatory labels or hyperbole – saying your parents were abusive gets peoples backs up, rather can say they were a negative presence, or contemptuous or caustic or disrespectful or humiliating – describe / show, dont tell – describe, dont label – that way it is both clear what you do and dont mean and people can form their own opinion of it
-in terms of dealing with pain – thats a very personal thing and the right strategy is individualized. I will say that in general, the only way to get through pain is through it – it has to be processed, grieved and only then let go – otherwise it just sits there rotting away and leaves you overwhelmed when it leaks out from time to time – otherwise it remains in the present rather than fade into the past
-it doesnt need to define you and be a barrier to people loving you – the better you process it, the more it becomes a memory and less a present issue. That may also involve forgiving your parents for your own sake – in the sense of letting go of the hurt as its just eating away at you and does you no good, not that you excuse their behavior but rather stop giving it any more power over your life
You sound very abusive. I hope you find healing.
You seem to take the issues of child abuse very lightly. If you haven’t read about the life-long impact that abuse and neglect have on people, I’d highly recommend you do.
https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/aces-and-toxic-stress-frequently-asked-questions/
Thank you for sharing your story, I think many of us can relate, I sure can. For me, what I had to realize in my 35 years is what my parents ‘did or didn’t to me/for me’ might have negatively affected me in many ways, at 35 it’s my problem now, not theirs. No one is capable of making me feel a certain way, I am in control of my emotions.
No one is a perfect parent, no one. My parents did the best they could with the knowledge and experiences they had. My parents told me they couldn’t afford the college I wanted to go to, in turn, I paid every penny of my own college. It was manipulation at it’s finest for me to do and go where they wanted me to.
After college, my parents told me I couldn’t make it outside of my small town in Nebraska because I wouldn’t ever be able to afford it. Understanding now that Nebraska is, legitimately, the cheapest place on earth to live, I believe they were trying to protect themselves from having to help me financially, if I did fall. I also think my mom didn’t want me to move away and ‘not affording it’ was a scare tactic. They struggled financially, so they assumed I would too. I’ve lived in a major US city for a decade now.
Through therapy I’ve come to realize my parents are no longer to blame for my emotions today. I reached this place through forgiveness. Forgiveness is key, even if you don’t want to have that relationship with your parents reaching a place of forgiveness within YOURSELF can dissipate the negative emotions. Forgiveness is a only shift in perception.
‘Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting – it means choosing your own happiness rather than allowing a situation in the past to determine your present. Forgiveness is never an easy conversation and it’s never an easy practice but it is essential to your growth and the elevation of your spirit. Forgiveness is like a torch of blazing light that allows you to let go of emotions and energy that you do not need to feel. ‘ Kyle Gray
Thank you for your wisdom. I agree that forgiveness is a only shift in perception and it does not need to be done for them but for you. Thank you for the quote.
Amen
Sorry, forgiveness isn’t the only answer. Acceptance, letting go and moving on is possible without forgiveness. Harriet Learner is a great resource on the nuances of forgiveness. Often times forgiveness is just another spiritual bypass.
I think that the road to recovery is personal and what works for me might not work for you. At different stages of this process we might need to focus on one aspect or another, at the beginning letting go is most important, later forgiveness becomes more possible.
The point is that forgiveness isn’t necessary. It is a myth that can make other people feel like their healing isn’t complete. Forgiveness can be part of healing, or not.
Thank you for your quote on forgiveness… and sharing your story.
Bless you.
I also have a quote on forgiveness:
“Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”
It is so good to finally hear an adult child accept that her parents are not perfect, instead of all this whining, blaming and shaming that you hear all the time. I’m so happy for you that you came to a realization and an understanding that they were simply doing the best they knew with whatever experiences they had. With you accepting and believing that to be the honest truth and to have stopped blaming, puts you in control of your feelings and the direction you choose in life. Your post was so refreshing and gives me hope that if more people were to think like you maybe the future for families will go back to the way they were intended to be. Loving and supportive with the understanding that everyone, no matter who you are, will fall short along the way and your family will be there to pick you up.
I wish my parents were doing unknowingly, but they knew i am mess but they still kept on doing bad things to me
I am going through the same situation, and I came across your article this morning. It has resonated with me and had helped me to make the best decision for me and separate myself from my family forever. Yes, I have many fears, because my parents are older and I don’t want them to die and I have regrets. I am in recovery from an opiate addiction, I never loved myself or trusted my instincts, because my parents have manipulated and mentally abused me all of my life. It was never just outright abuse, but little things they would say whenever I did my best or was seeking their approval. I am 41 yrs old and I have just gained a sense of self worth this past year. I have made such progress and have been blessed by our Creator and they STILL find some way to put me down. You have saved my life today and I just wanted to say THANK YOU!
I am sorry to hear about your situation but it gives me comfort to know that you are taking the steps to take back your life. I am glad my article helped you, you are more than welcome to join the facebook group.
Taryn, Congratulations on working toward opiate recovery. My understanding is that’s 1 of the most difficult addictions. My prayers are with you in your path. My Mother did what you talk about. She’d make her nasty side comments to me & revel as I’d spiral, making it seem like I was crazy without any provocation, leaving me alone to deal with the fallout. However, I have a regret that when my brother texted that she was dying, I wish I’d gone to see her. She, my stepdad, & siblings specifically said they didn’t want me to go but I wish I’d faced them for 1 last chance anyway. It’s a difficult situation. I will be praying for your family to find peace. 🙏❤
Thank you for telling our story in a such a complete and succinct way. I suffered brain injuries due to my mother’s treatment and was put in sexually and physically dangerous situations by her. At 54, I’m finally REALLY dealing with it all, forced by the Traumatic Brain Injury I received in a car accident a year ago (4/20/18). My brain said enough trauma! and locked up, not allowing my body to heal until I unpacked all my traumas thru EMDR PTSD therapy. My mother passed almost 3 years ago, leaving the lies and doubt with my siblings. Without any discussion with me, they have chosen to believe her and cut me out when I need my family most. The blessing is that I have built a life of students and friends that know me and are my family along with my amazing children (who know me and know I’ve loved them every moment of their lives).
Thank you and God bless your courage and willingness to share.
I am sorry to hear about your situation but I am glad you are on the road to recovery and have support.
Thank you. I do believe I’ve been a much better Mother and a stronger woman because of my experiences. I refuse to give up on the other family members who have turned their backs on me because of my Mother’s lies about the past. I’m too stubborn to accept this as her legacy to me. Thank you again and God bless. 😘
I find it so interesting how people feel it is so important to keep your parents in your life, all based on their own experience with their parents. It’s as if they can’t imagine any parent would harm their child. Yet there are countless cases of child abuse. Would you make these same comments to the Turpin kids who were abused, tortured and locked up in the house? Why is this author’s life of psychological torture any different? My parents were good people. The family I am estranged from is my older sister. She did the same belittling, and psychological abuse for my whole life. I reached a point in my 20s where I wasn’t going to take it anymore. I cut her off. So many people told me how sad it was that I didn’t have my sister. I was not sad. I was relieved. Family is an accident of biology. The shared genes are no guarantee that those people will be our friends nor that they will nurture us and help us grow.
Jen, I thank you for sharing your story. I’m sure this was not easy to write. Everyone thinks the parents are right and an estranged child is the horrible one. Not all parents are gems. I’m very sorry you had to go through this. I hope your heart is healing with the family you have carefully curated.
Hi Pattie Lee,
Thank you for your insight and for your kind words. The article actually gave me a sense of piece and closure to write because I had hoped it would help someone which I think it has. When I made this choice I felt very alone. All my friends have good parents and some of them sill don’t understand why I cut out family but sometimes people can’t understand your lived experience until they have experienced it themselves. I take comfort in knowing that most people will not have to go through my experience. My hear is healing by helping others, that is the only way this experience could every be positive in any way. I am grateful for the relationship I have with my grandmother and the one that I am starting to rebuild with some of my family. I hope that you to have found a way to feel at peace.
Pattie Lee, Your quote “family is an accident of biology. The shared genes are no guarantee that those people will be our friends nor that they will nurture us and help us grow” is brilliant. So true! I can’t tell you how that spoke to me.
I am estranged from my narcissistic mother and a father I was very close to but who has joined forces with my mother now. People don’t get it…it took years and an escalation of emotional and verbal abuse, including my mother contacting my employers asking if I had mental issues to cut ties.
Jen, your article gives me life. Thank you!!
I love your first two sentences. Especially how people base their comments on THEIR experience in THEIR OWN CHILDHOOD. You nailed it, Pattie. Thank you for this comment 😀
Good, Jen you decided to cut them out of your life. For healing to happen, it is necessary that one needs to maintain distance from the abusers. Forgiveness does not mean you have to hang around them and tolerate them
Thank you
Thank,you.It has been a tough road,but I have accepted what I lacked from my parents I will make up with my children.No child deserves to feel like a outsider.Recovering in process
Yes recovering is a process that involves expectance of what was and will never be as well as gratitude for the small things that are.
Aren’t we all Eric, including you!
No we aren’t all toxic, if you would check any other comment thread but this one you’ll find a lot of empathy, kindness and compassion.
Everyone has a right to their own interpretation of their experiences. You’re no less judgemental than anyone else in these threads.
Thank you for responding.
Hugs and love
I am so sorry that you had to go through this. Sending you warm thoughts.
😢🙏❤
Even if others question and invalidate your decisions, if you feel free, then you made the right choice. I didn’t have the upbringing you did but I know first hand that it is terribly painful to leave an attachment-based relationship, even if there is significant abuse. People don’t make these decisions lightly and without good reason. Most people stay because leaving is fraught with backlash and unwanted consequences.
This is very true but sometimes leaving is the only road to piece and happiness.
yes. I completely agree. I wanted to challenge those who imply that you took a selfish or easy way out. Leaving is often harder than staying, even when people are horrible to you. I am sorry people have been so unkind and unsupportive of you. Something to be said about deeply knowing your own truth when you face the judgement of others.
Thank you for sharing your story
I can relate to a lot of it
I’m so glad that you made a success of your life.
After 18 years of being a compliant good girl I was beaten up by my father and chucked out by my parents at 18 in the middle of the night with nowhere to go. Apparently my father told all my relatives that I had raised my hand to my mother. To be honest in those days we didn’t even raise our voice to our parents for fear of having our heads bashed off the wall… not alone raise a hand.
Maybe on hindsight kicking me out was the biggest favour they did me, however using me as a scapegoat wasn’t.
I didn’t even know I was growing up in a dysfunctional family because that’s all I knew…
I got some inclination when my brother got murdered at the age of 28 by his father-in-law and my parents insisted that I tell the police we had a normal childhood. God I must have been so slow and so Naive in those days and I took so long to grow up… I always felt captive to trying to obtain my parents love which was an impossible task, because it was totally unobtainable.
I really didn’t start cutting the umbilical cord until into my 40s and then started to parent myself.
It’s been a slow lonely process…
And I wish my story was a success story like yours… however I have grown in love, compassion and empathy and I have a deep understanding for the marginalised and rejected…
As the young Indian boy in Marigold Hotel quoted
“It will be alright in the end and if it’s not alright it’s not the end.”
God bless you all who have written up their comments and stories…
United in love.
I am sorry you have experienced such a difficult road. You say that you were blind to abuse and that you path was not a success story but I beg to differ. You cannot see something you are forced to be blind to, so you need to be compassionate towered yourself. You walked away from an abusive family to build a better life and that unto its self is success. Be kind to yourself and stay strong.
Jen, thank you so much for this very honest and open sharing of your experience. My parents are both dead, but I’m estranged from my brothers for many of the same reasons you’ve written about. As my mother was dying, I chose to be there for a period of time. One day, after a very typical encounter with my brother, something inside me said “never again.” I left that day and have never had any further contact with either of my siblings. Even though other family members know of the abuse and have suffered it themselves, they are still pressuring me to reconcile. I’m at the point of telling them that if they bring it up again, I’ll remove myself from their lives too. When my Mom died, I did not feel sadness–I’d been grieving not having a mother my whole life. Instead, I felt free. Same thing when I stopped contact with my brothers. I still have PTSD from my childhood, so every single day live with the consequences of what happened to me. I won’t place myself in circumstances that add to the trauma. It’s been a very long journey, but I can now care for myself in the ways that I needed to be cared for as a child.
I’m sorry for what you went through and what so many of us have endured. But I’m very grateful when people are willing and able to speak up—as you speak for us too.
I am sorry to hear about your situation but I am glad you have found piece in cutting toxic people from your life. Thank you for your kind words.
I forgot to say that I’d also been estranged from my mother for 7 years before she died. I made a decision to see her at the end of her life and there was some healing for me in doing that. She apologized for the first time ever to me–before that, it was always me that was to blame for everything. But dealing with my brothers in that time was unbelievably toxic. It was the worst part of that experience. I found it took time to begin to feel safe and to notice strength from my decision to cut contact.
Sadly, what you have written is very much like my experience. My ‘father’ essentially cut me out of his life. He is a malignant abusive narcissist and children of such families all know the unspoken rule: Don’t rock the boat, because if you do, there will be dire consequences. It was he who cut off connection between he and I. (there really was no connection) And the family living the unspoken rule, followed in his footsteps obediently. They would utter such words as “we know you have issues with dad…’ totally denying the fact that he, the elder, the adult, has a responsibility to this broken relationship. The things they do not know or refuse to believe add yet another dimension to the loss of not just one relationship, but the whole family. It’s overwhelming painful to be an outcast in one’s own family. It is like the horrible gift that keeps on giving, one is constantly made aware of the loss. It is a horrible choice to make, to comply and lose one’s sense of self or to stand up and be alone. I often think of the saying, “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” If a child grows up, finds their way in life and has a family of their own, and no one cares to see it, does it exist?
I am sorry to hear about your situation. I think it is important to remember that family does not have to be blood. The people that see us and love us will be there to support us and I am grateful for those people.
As a psychotherapist, I have, for years, witnessed the pain that comes not only from parental abuse, but from the supposed “rule” that one cannot severe ties with one’s parents. A few of my clients have been able to do it, but most do not. I had to cut off my mother (my father had already died), and my sorrow comes not from severing the relationship, but from the fact that the relationship was so harmful to me.
I am sorry about your situation and I understand where you are coming from. Society teaches us that toxic relationships are to be cut out but not with family. In order to be happy and healthy sometimes you have no choice but to cut ties with family.
This was exactly what I needed to read over Christmas holiday. I could go on for pages on this topic; let me simply say, thank you.
Your welcome
Deep so full of emotion, many of us go through difficult times, but as person am socialized that a person belong to the society, i lean on the extended family for support when i have fallout’s, cousin, uncles and brothers those we went to school together. It takes a society to bring up a functional being in my side of town actually society lays a claim and even limits the extents of your freedom. Conflicts can between family members can be arbitrated at clan level if no amicable solution is found. Not to paint an utopia problems abound hate, theft, murders all all manner of ill, so in summation understand why the need for one to chart a different path. In society change has never been driven by conformist.
Well articulated excellent delivery.
Rgds Luis.
Thank you. While my story is different, filled with emotional abuse, which i thought was normal, I can see threads of similarity that i understand and connect with my own experiences.
I understand your pain, and had an abusive alcoholic mother I cut myself off from at age 18. I struggled with abusive relationships, sick from PTSD from living in that home. I divorced my son’s abusive father, had actually left him pregnant. I adored my son, trying to give him the love I never had, doing my best as a survivor with no clue of normal. We were always close, until he left home for law school and met a girl right after a breakup with his long time high school love. About a year later, after the girl started talking about marrying him. But them my son started being more and more disrespectful to me. During those few years after that I had a violent crime happen to me, my narcissist father was dying of cancer (my toxic family behaved insanely) and my sons bio father who he had never met died and he inherited almost $200K. It was like a switch flipped. The girl began to take even more control of him, and would not let him pay me back $2000 he had promised to pay, in an email. My son and I started to get in heated arguments, he changed his phone number, stole and refused to pay for an iPhone by taking it off my account and changing the phone number, and then the girl who had ordered a fireplace for my sons new house on his credit card called the police on me claiming I stole her mail, when she typed the address wrong so FedEx brought it to the billing address-my house. Wayfair confirmed she was ‘very upset” when told it was not my fault it went to my house. She then after that public slander began calling my son’s friends to trash me. During this my father died and my on told me an email-never called or came over. We are now estranged and I spent my 6th holiday alone, as my son was my only family. I have seen him around town, and he finally admitted he lied to police, terrorizing me with threats of being arrested because he did not want to pay. It was stunning, I said I gave you everything your whole life how cold you act like this? I was in shock for over year, I do have PTSD and he know this. His reply was “maybe you felt like being generous but I don’t. Maybe you should not have spent all your money on me”. We had traveled, I bought him clothes and cars so he would not have to work in school and paid his bills, he even had credit card in high school because I traveled for work and sometimes was not home to cook dinner. I told him to out to eat. I have since written notes asking him to please stop this estrangement, sent gifts but no more of that. When he sees me he yells and screams at me, will not even let me talk. I just want to understand WHY he is doing this. My trauma MD thinks this girl is now writing this narrative-that he is somehow brainwashed so she can control him. I never treated him the way your parents did as you describe. His friends don;t understand either, but no one will take a stand for me-people are afraid to get involved. What do you think? Is this a justified estrangement? He was NOT abused. This was an argument over a small amount of money compared to what he got. I was never paid. But that is nothing compared to the loss of my son. This has shattered my life. I gave him all I had, he was everything to me. I am still in shock, years later, and cannot believe his behavior since he is with this girl. My health has drastically declined since this loss. I would love to hear your thoughts on this situation.