Hello guys. Sorry I haven’t been here.

First, congrats to @Tim1!!! Such wonderful news, I’m really happy for you. And thank you so much for coming here, and remembering us all, it means a lot. And for your lovely words at the end of your post.

@Jay2023 I’m glad for your last post and news, it is easier with a new romantic interest.

@Dannydan, I’ve been reading this topic all the time and reading your reply but I did not know what to advice. So I waited for Sammy. Like before, “ask Sammy” continues. Did you give B the letter?

I was thinking what to advice, and as usually, I tried to put myself in B’s position. I wouldn’t like the feeling if my fiance wrote a letter that he didn’t want me to read before wedding. It would cause me too much worry, also if there is a problem, I would feel it needs to be discussed before the wedding. So I thought that givinh here is the right choice, but I was also afraid of result.. so “ask Sammy”.

How did it go?

@Sammy1, you are as alwys so wonderful and helpful, how are you?

I’ve been actually silent because I guess I didn’t feel too good. I realized I came posting here in crisis and then post but almost don’t want to be to sincere, becasue it would seem that I’m still too anxious and in crisis. But I guess this is the right place to be vulnerable, and this is the place when I have to be sincere or don’t bother to post at all. So here it goes.

First, I felt a bit excluded here since you all bonded. Then I realized it’s a circle, people bond because they post, I post for a while and then leave but I feel excluded… So I’m not trying to blame anyone, just stating how I feel, as I said, I think I know a reason.

Also, in my life, as the thing with the tinder guy ended I felt depressed. Not really because of him, or my ex. I think I’m finally mostly over it. As @Jay2023 once said, I’ll be completley over when I fall in love again, but I think I’m over him for a big part. Also, what happened recently is that my last female friend that was single found somenone. And I really was and still am happy for her, and I helped her and talked with her. So I’m happy. But, for a few weeks, that left me without anyone to even ask for a drink almost, everyone is happy coupled and only wanted to hang out at home. So I felt depressed.

I know here and in my life, people will say I have to be happy alone. And I guess I’m a bit exaggerating, but I am 34 now (had birthday recently). I do want family. I know I won’t really be satisfied I’m in my 40s and going from work to home alone. So I think that my wish for companionship, love and children is a valid one. And I know I still have time and panicking a bit, but this COVID year made it really hard for me. I probably should be more optimistic, but it was a shitty year. It’s always funny how people think I’m pretty and attractive, and guys do text me and as out. But I’ve still didn’t have much luck, faced rejection in 2 realtionships (and a few flings) and that experience scares me.

I also feel pressure sometimes when some of people say to me , when I say taht someone doesn’t attract me, that beauty is not important. While they all have partners they found attractive. Bullshit. I need to be attracted to someone, or I will be miserable all the time in relationship.

So I decided I won’t listen those people. I won’t listen happy coupled people who tell me I need to be happy alone, and who never faced being alone in their middle thirties and wanting family, while all friends are coupled. I won’t listen to people who tell me I have to satisfy for someone I’m not feeling any desire or attraction at all.

I think my mom is my best therapist. She tells me that my wish for relationship and family is valid, and I don’t have to feel completley happy if that wish is curently unfulfilled, but that I still have that time and don’t have to worry. That things change, and until that happens, I have many other nice things to enjoy. Dad says that too. They were actually my saviours, and I’m really happy to have them. And they changed a lot trough years, they are now much more relaxed than that used to be. So they helped a lot.

Thankfully summer is coming and many places are opening here so I hope it will be better.

Hope I wasn’t too harsh in my post.