Dear Blazkowich:

You read like a caring young man who is indeed genuinely concerned for the mental well-being of your ex-girlfriend: “I am genuinely concerned for her health because I feel at this rate she will just continue to ruin her health“.

I’d like to start this reply with the Serenity Prayer (I am not religious, but the principle in the prayer is what I am getting to), it says: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.

Reads like her mental health is not something that you can change for the better (“I feel so helpless unable to do anything for her“), so aim to accept her mental health as it is with as much serenity as you are able, simply because you can’t make it better. On the other hand, your own mental health is something that you can change to one extent or another, so do what you can to help your own mental health.

Second (I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes), “she would get depressed sometimes and stonewall me for 2-3 days… sometimes she would show a lot of love and appreciation and sometimes she asks for space but recently she was so overwhelmed that she left me. Her exact words before leaving me was that the fact that I am there caring for her is hurting her, and that she wants to be alone for a long, long while, but I am afraid she’s just hurting herself by doing this”-

– I believe that she is correct about the relationship hurting her, not because you were a bad boyfriend, but because her emotions within the relationship are too much for her, and she gets overwhelmed, sort of submerged under water because of a heavy weight on top of her, unable to breathe. So, clearly, the healthy thing for her to do at this point is to take a break, a very long break, like she said.

It doesn’t mean that because of the break, she  suddenly becomes mentally healthy; it means that having a break from the relationship is necessary for her to hopefully heal over time.

If you insist that she interacts with you, if you pressure her and/ or if you do not completely respect her wish for no contact, you will be adding more hurt to her mind and life.

“She didn’t even talk to her best friend of 8 years since 2 months and is constantly isolating herself... and one day she said she’s unable to handle the relationship, and she feels like this cold evil person who is unable to reciprocate any love, and that she loves me but is unable to express it“-

– Overwhelmed as in submerged under water, she can’t breathe, so she can’t love. But on top of that, she is weighed down by the guilt of not being able to love, or to express love. This is why she isolates herself, so to get a relief from the guilt and from how awkward it feels to be emotionally handicapped in this way.

“She was also offended over the fact that I advised her to visit a therapist. I contacted her friends and they told me how she got drunk, danced around, ran like a maniac and cried her heart out calling her pet cat’s name who passed away and then puked all over”-

– You did what you could: you advised her to seek a therapist and you contacted her friends. Do you think that there is yet something else for you to do for the purpose of helping her?

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

“Everything changed after the passing this is why I am still hopeful that she’ll return“- You are hoping that once enough time passes from the time she lost of her cat, once she adequately grieves the loss, she will be back to the way she was with you prior to the loss (“she would get depressed sometimes and stonewall me for 2-3 days“), which is better than no contact with you at all. Do I understand correctly? Would it be okay with resuming a relationship where you are being stonewalled for 2-3 days at a time?

“I can try to be there as a friend if the relationship is the issue”- Question is can you succeed in being there for her as a friend; can you hold back all romantic and physical attraction to her and be there for her as a platonic friend in-practice, day in and day out over a potentially extended period of time?

“Honestly I don’t know what to do anymore or even if there is something I can do, but I would prefer waiting over moving-on from this relationship and the thought that she can do something harmful scares me even more. What would you suggest?”-

– I don’t think that you are emotionally ready to move on, so I wouldn’t suggest that you move on. As far as trying to help her as a friend, before I suggest more, I will wait for your answers to the above, and ask you one more question: did she express suicidal thoughts to you or to anyone else, any gestures in that regard.. and is her drinking and getting drunk a usual occurrence, best you know?

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

You are welcome. You answered that you are okay with going back to the way the relationship was, but you’d be hoping that it’d change, that you are able to keep a relationship with her platonic, that she got drunk only once, and that you don’t think that she is suicidal.

“I would be lying if I say that I want to stay connected for any selfless reason, ever since the breakup I am unable to sleep or do any tasks“- you read like an emotionally honest person, and you are indeed grieving the breakup.

“I am afraid if she gets into drugs… these things can harm her in other ways. Am I being too concerned here?“- it is encouraging that she doesn’t have a history of alcohol and drug abuse or a history of suicidal ideation and gestures. On the other hand, there is no predicting what a person would do. If she got back with you and seemed to be doing well for months, it’d still possible that she’d seriously, even fatally hurt herself. There is simply no predicting.

I don’t know what messages you sent her which she ignored. I think that sending her a typed message on paper, like a traditional letter perhaps, might make sense, a message where you express your willingness and promise to be a platonic friend and nothing more, no matter how you feel. No expectations, expressing your genuine concern for her and offering to do specific things for her so to help her, practically helpful things to make her life easier at this time, and/ or asking her what kinds of practical help she needs help with. I wouldn’t suggest therapy for her because she already rejected that, r anything else that you already suggested and which she rejected.

What do you think of my suggestion?

anita

Dear Blazkwich:

First, I want to say that I am sorry for the heartbreak you are going through. Although this has been a short and turbulent relationship, you grew very attached to her and therefore, you have been suffering a lot. I hope that you will feel better and better soon enough.

Next, I will be re-reading your original post and the posts that followed, as well as the most recent, quoting from what you shared and typing away my thoughts about the quotes. This is what I normally do in threads I reply to.

(I am the one adding the boldface feature to the quotes): “My girlfriend of 5 months just broke up with me…  Our relationship started as long distance we didn’t meet a lot of times but we used to talk daily for hours whenever we had time… she would get depressed sometimes and stonewall me for 2-3 days… I gave her space again and then after a month of infrequent communication she left me… she broke up with me in the middle of her exams, she wasn’t in contact for like a week “-

– The five months relationship did not include a lot of meetings in-person, maybe only a few (?), and within these 5 months there were times of no communication for periods of 2-3 days to a week. This is a short (however long it may feel to you) and unstable relationship from the get go. Seems like the closeness, in terms of time spent together, was mostly in those hours long talks on the phone.

Let’s look at the nature and intensity of your emotional attachment to her, an attachment formed within those 5 months: “I even met her after her cat passed away and she constantly reassured me and talked about future plans”- this means that you were anxious about her ending the relationship and she reassured you that she was not ending the relationship, that there was a future to it.

” We had a fight and I kind of exploded because I was bottling up so many stuff“- there were a lot of distressing thoughts and emotions within you about this (objectively) very short relationship.

“The breakup is affecting me a lot but now I am genuinely concerned for her health because I feel at this rate she will just continue to ruin her health…  she just doesn’t seem like herself anymore ever since the passing and I am unable to see her in this state…  the thought that she can do something harmful scares me..  no, this is the first time she got drunk… I don’t think she’s suicidal but these things can harm her in other ways. Am I being too concerned here?.. ever since the breakup I am unable to sleep or do any tasks“-

– Seems like there are no objective reasons to be concerned for her health since she has no history or pattern of alcohol or drug abuse, does not experience suicidal thoughts that you are aware of,  and she is busy being a student (as opposed to being idle, doing nothing). Seems like you are projecting your experience into her: that it is you who are in this state, that you don’t seem like himself, and that it is your health may be ruined if you continue to suffer from lack of sleep and motivation in every day tasks.

Blazkwich, did you hear or read about Attachment Styles, particularly the anxious attachment style? There is a lot of online information about it as well as books and workbooks aimed to educate and help individuals with this attachment style. Here is just a bit about it from psychology today: “The anxious attachment style is always concerned about the stability or security of the relationship. People with this attachment style tend to agonize over the meaning of words or actions by a partner. They read negatives into otherwise neutral or positive interactions. They also tend to crave constant reassurance that the relationship is secure, and the affection and love are still present”- any of this reads familiar to you, as far as your experience in romantic relationships?

anita

Dear Blazkwich:

“One thing which keeps bothering me is that before the breakup she said she’s just tired and exhausted and doesn’t wanna try anymore. And the very fact that I am here caring for her is burdening, I keep spiraling and thinking should I have not done that? Should I have not tried to support her or offer any care?”-

– likely, the relationship would have ended for one reason or another because relationships often end. Even decades-long relationships too often drastically change and end for any one reason or multiples of reasons. It is a reality that we have to accept because (like the serenity prayer I quoted in my first reply), we can’t change this reality.

In regard to what I boldfaced above, it is true that when one person in a relationship cares too much about not being abandoned by the other, repeatedly asking for reassurances and overreacting to the other person, that it becomes burdensome. It may feel for the young woman in this case (I imagine) as if she has a responsibility that she does not want to have: to reassure you, to calm your worries.. like having a young boy in her life, and having to mother him…

Does this make sense to you?

anita