Dear Blazkowich:

“I just told her you’ve all the time for your guy friends but when it comes to me you need space, also I vented to her friend how she dumped me just because I offered support when she’s grieving her cat’s loss and her exact wordings… the fact remains the same that I tried to offer support and in-turn I got dumped. It just felt so unfair, like what else I was supposed to do? Watch her suffer alone and do nothing about it?”-

– sadly, your expressed support didn’t come across to her as support. I suppose that you needed her more than she needed you. Does this read true to you, that you needed her more than she needed you?

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

“supporting her made me happy, because it made me feel that I am able to do something for her“- it made me smile to read this, feeling that I like you for wanting so much to help her.

Problem is when we want to help someone so much that we want to possess that person, wanting her “all for myself“, like you wrote. That possessiveness adds to the burden of the person you are trying to help.

Key when that happens, when you feel jealous and angry, is to calm down before you act, because when we are hurt and angry.. our intelligence goes down and we act against our own interests and against the interests of the person we are trying to help.

anita

You are welcome, Blazkowich!

“She dropped me“- If she dropped you, it means that she carried you, and then she dropped you, and you fell.

“I could never think of dropping her“- meaning you carried her, and you wouldn’t think of dropping the person you were carrying.

How did she carry you? How did you carry her?

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

“By dropping the relationship like it is some baggage? Instead of letting me share the burden, she considered me or the relationship as one?”-

– from what you shared it is unfortunately true that you were an emotional baggage and a burden for her: maybe not from the beginning, but from one point on. She was busy with her exams (a real-life burden), her cat died (an emotional burden), and you were another emotional burden. She told you that she was “unable to handle the relationship“- it means that the relationship (meaning the hours of video calling between the two of you) was a problem for her (an extra burden), not a solution (a sharing of the burden).

She told you: “Her exact words before leaving me was that the fact that I am there caring for her is hurting her, and that she wants to be alone“- the relationship with you was hurting her, that is, the relationship was a part of the problem for her, not a part of the solution.

In general, when person A needs help, and person B does not only offer help, but insists on helping, chasing person A with offers of help.. it is person B who needs help more than person A.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

“My way of helping was practical in nature“- I wonder what practical help you offered her.

“Also, our relationship shifted from long distance to short“- during the 3 times you met her in-person, did you spend a lot of time together… alone or with other people?

You don’t have to answer these questions, or any of my questions, of course. In any case, I hope that you calm down about the situation and accept it with as much serenity as you can.

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

God to read that you calmed down, not good to read that it still hurts.  But it will hurt less and less over time, and faster if you get busy with other parts of your life, other interests… What interests you about your life (other than the young woman we’ve been discussing)?

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

I’d say: keep busy with studying, add some daily physical exercise, and when you need it, give yourself a grief-break and sketch your love and longings for her; move your grieving emotions from your heart and mind => the paper in front of you (assuming you sketch on paper..)?

anita