January 11, 2024 at 12:49 pm #426912
I didn’t say much but its my tone, I just told her you’ve all the time for your guy friends but when it comes to me you need space, also I vented to her friend how she dumped me just because I offered support when she’s grieving her cat’s loss and her exact wordings. I know I should’ve controlled myself but it just came out because I felt really betrayed and I never expected her to do this to me. I don’t know if it was because I annoyed her or she was just looking for a chance to get rid of me but either way, the fact remains the same that I tried to offer support and in-turn I got dumped. It just felt so unfair, like what else I was supposed to do? Watch her suffer alone and do nothing about it?January 11, 2024 at 1:05 pm #426913
“I just told her you’ve all the time for your guy friends but when it comes to me you need space, also I vented to her friend how she dumped me just because I offered support when she’s grieving her cat’s loss and her exact wordings… the fact remains the same that I tried to offer support and in-turn I got dumped. It just felt so unfair, like what else I was supposed to do? Watch her suffer alone and do nothing about it?”-
– sadly, your expressed support didn’t come across to her as support. I suppose that you needed her more than she needed you. Does this read true to you, that you needed her more than she needed you?
anitaJanuary 11, 2024 at 1:12 pm #426914
Yeah, maybe it’s because she was already stressed from her exams and the loss, and I ended up pushing her limits even more by contacting her friend (which she doesn’t like) that’s why her response was so bitter. I don’t know honestly if she needed me more than her but she keeps pushing people away, I do know that I am really attached to her so maybe I need her more than she needs me, there’s a part of me which hates her for throwing me away and there’s a huge part of me which is still in doubt if I leave her alone and then there’s another part in me which selfishly wants her all for myself and wants to be in contact for that reason, because supporting her made me happy, because it made me feel that I am able to do something for her.January 11, 2024 at 1:36 pm #426915
“supporting her made me happy, because it made me feel that I am able to do something for her“- it made me smile to read this, feeling that I like you for wanting so much to help her.
Problem is when we want to help someone so much that we want to possess that person, wanting her “all for myself“, like you wrote. That possessiveness adds to the burden of the person you are trying to help.
Key when that happens, when you feel jealous and angry, is to calm down before you act, because when we are hurt and angry.. our intelligence goes down and we act against our own interests and against the interests of the person we are trying to help.
anitaJanuary 13, 2024 at 4:32 pm #426939
Key when that happens, when you feel jealous and angry, is to calm down before you act, because when we are hurt and angry.. our intelligence goes down and we act against our own interests and against the interests of the person we are trying to help.- yes that was wrong of me, I realised after calming down.
That possessiveness adds to the burden of the person you are trying to help.– The thing is I just couldn’t see her crying and curled up in a corner because she did mention that she still cries at night when she thinks of her cat.
Nonetheless it frustrates me that I was thinking all that but she dropped me like I was one of her issues even if it was a reaction, I could never think of dropping her like that. And the problem is that I am still attached to her, even though she didn’t value me enough. Anyways thanks for responding Anita.January 13, 2024 at 6:49 pm #426942
You are welcome, Blazkowich!
“She dropped me“- If she dropped you, it means that she carried you, and then she dropped you, and you fell.
“I could never think of dropping her“- meaning you carried her, and you wouldn’t think of dropping the person you were carrying.
How did she carry you? How did you carry her?
anitaJanuary 14, 2024 at 7:00 am #426956
How did she carry you? How did you carry her?-
By dropping the relationship like it is some baggage? Instead of letting me share the burden, she considered me or the relationship as one?January 14, 2024 at 9:21 am #426960
“By dropping the relationship like it is some baggage? Instead of letting me share the burden, she considered me or the relationship as one?”-
– from what you shared it is unfortunately true that you were an emotional baggage and a burden for her: maybe not from the beginning, but from one point on. She was busy with her exams (a real-life burden), her cat died (an emotional burden), and you were another emotional burden. She told you that she was “unable to handle the relationship“- it means that the relationship (meaning the hours of video calling between the two of you) was a problem for her (an extra burden), not a solution (a sharing of the burden).
She told you: “Her exact words before leaving me was that the fact that I am there caring for her is hurting her, and that she wants to be alone“- the relationship with you was hurting her, that is, the relationship was a part of the problem for her, not a part of the solution.
In general, when person A needs help, and person B does not only offer help, but insists on helping, chasing person A with offers of help.. it is person B who needs help more than person A.
What do you think?
anitaJanuary 14, 2024 at 10:11 am #426961
Maybe so, but I would rather think it is just a means of escapism cause till a certain point she clearly said she’s tired of everything but not the relationship. And I told her clearly if she can’t video call for a while that’s fine as well my way of helping was practical in nature. Also our relationship shifted from long distance to short so I could even visit her more frequently, video calling was never the issue, it was that she would just avoid me.January 14, 2024 at 10:49 am #426962
“My way of helping was practical in nature“- I wonder what practical help you offered her.
“Also, our relationship shifted from long distance to short“- during the 3 times you met her in-person, did you spend a lot of time together… alone or with other people?
You don’t have to answer these questions, or any of my questions, of course. In any case, I hope that you calm down about the situation and accept it with as much serenity as you can.
anitaJanuary 14, 2024 at 1:11 pm #426966
Anything, like helping her complete assignments or atleast as an emotional support.
We spent like the entire day together.
I have calmed down but it still hurts.January 14, 2024 at 1:22 pm #426967
God to read that you calmed down, not good to read that it still hurts. But it will hurt less and less over time, and faster if you get busy with other parts of your life, other interests… What interests you about your life (other than the young woman we’ve been discussing)?
anitaJanuary 15, 2024 at 8:20 am #426983
What interests you about your life- A ton of stuff like sketching, bouldering, cooking, strength training and studies, lately I have been trying to keep busy by only studying books on finance and stats. But her absence in my life is still daunting, like I used to sketch her so whenever I open my sketchbook she’s there and I get reminded of her.January 15, 2024 at 8:31 am #426984
I’d say: keep busy with studying, add some daily physical exercise, and when you need it, give yourself a grief-break and sketch your love and longings for her; move your grieving emotions from your heart and mind => the paper in front of you (assuming you sketch on paper..)?
anitaJanuary 16, 2024 at 12:47 am #427002
I am doing that, I even took a grief break of like 2 weeks but it is still difficult, mornings are the most difficult because I wake up and immediately start missing her. I have successfully replaced my habit of talking to her with other stuffs, but it still hurts and my emotions are all over the place most of the time.