Hi Susan,

I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through so much pain. 🙁 It is very difficult to have someone you care for so much do a 180 on you. Do you have friends to go out with? Hobbies or activities to go out and do? just taking out time to do something you love to do or be with others you feel a close connection can help ease your heartbreak a bit. It’s not a quick fix or a cure-all, it will take time to heal, you are literally going through a grieving process. Take care of yourself, you deserve to have love and comfort, especially when you’re feeling super blue.

Sorry Susan, I hope some of this helps. It won’t be an easy experience, but be kind and patient with yourself.

Hello Susan,

I read your post yesterday and wanted to respond then, but felt a bit shocked. I’m still not quite sure what to say, but I’ll try.

Kicking someone out of a mutual home is a really cold and cruel thing to do. Unless there would be domestic violence or some similar type of situation, where people are under threat, there really is no excuse for such behaviour. A home should be a place where you can rest and be safe, and to take it away from another person without a warning is just…well the thought just makes me really angry. Aside from the breakup of the relationship, please do take some time to restore and heal your feelings of basic security and trust.

I know we all want to think that we’re different when it comes to someone who has a pattern of behaviour in relationships. Love is blind and it feels so magical at first. Of course you are different and you were different for her as well, but that does not change the fact that she has her own issues that actually have nothing to do with you, nor anyone else she has dated previously. They are her problems that she should deal with. You can not change another person and romantic love isn’t a form of therapy.

All that said, I can understand that you want her back. Or perhaps you want to restore the point when everything was still normal. Put the genie back in the bottle and wish that nothing had happened. I know it’s scary and difficult to accept, and I really am sorry for the pain that you have to go through.

You can’t force peace, but surprisingly, sometimes when you allow the pain and sorrow to come out, accept it and greet it like a friend, it turns into peace. The lack of peace isn’t necessarily the fact that you are in a turmoil, but that you are in addition trying to fight the turmoil and the pain. You’ve been pushed to a certain direction in life and you’re trying to claw your way back, and that is not going to be peaceful.

Would there be some kind of local support group where you could go and let it all out? You can let it out here as well, but it’s just not the same as physically sharing with people who feel your pain and understand. Have you ever spoken with her previous partners and do you know what happened there? Approaching it, not from a place of pettiness and desire for revenge, but from a place of desire to understand and to be heard, to actually hear from someone who has gone through a similar thing and has had a longer time to get some distance. Also, perhaps, and I’m not saying that’s the case, but you could look at some of the writings and discussion of the victims of narcissists. She doesn’t have to be one, but the lack of empathy is similar in those cases as well.

You are still probably in shock, in mourning and it is understandable that you can’t see the situation from a neutral point of view. Heck, I can’t see it from a neutral point of view, as I’m still so angry about the fact that a person would have been thrown out of their home! So I’m hoping that other people with less emotional reaction would pitch in 🙂

Susan, don’t fret. Things have a way of working out in the end, and down the line you might realise that this was a blessing in disguise. I know it doesn’t seem like that now, and you have a difficult road ahead of you, but it might lead to something pretty wonderful.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by The Ruminant.

Susan,

It may have been her property, but it was your home as well. That’s one thing. Another thing is that telling someone that they want to work things out and then cut all contact, change locks and install security system is not normal. That’s deceptive and paranoid.

I can understand that you defend her actions, because you’ve bought into the illusion she has created. You can’t have a healthy, rational relationship with a narcissist; you have to believe in the same illusions they do in order for it to work. Also, it’s not easy to accept that what was, actually really wasn’t. It’s not just about learning how to trust other people again, but you need to learn how to trust yourself again.

I have been in relationships with narcissists and I know how it works. I always blamed myself and really couldn’t understand that it wasn’t normal, so I defended them and tried to get back in good graces with them. If only I would be different and they would accept me again. Only, there never will be acceptance, because you aren’t a mirror. You’re a human being with your own thoughts, dreams and aspirations.

I don’t hate my exes and I can even understand their side of the story. They all had their own journey and childhood issues, just like I’ve had mine. I’m still never going to subject myself to such treatment again. I can be compassionate from a distance, hopefully with my feet firmly on the ground. I strongly urge you to do the same.

I also strongly urge you to seek a support group with similar stories to yours. You’re still caught up in your own illusions, but when you hear other people explaining theirs, you can see the patterns from a neutral point of view.

And of course above all, be kind to yourself and start to rebuild your confidence regardless of what the future brings!

There is a great thread on this site titles “You Don’t Need Closure”, I found it very helpful when my girlfriend of three years ended out=r relationship three months ago by a simple text, “My feelings changed”. I was (and still am) desperate for answers hoping to find anything I could “fix” to get her back..and only to realize it did not exsist- she simply was not in love with me. I know there is nothing I can do to bring her back. We went from looking at rings to no contact at all-I sent her a text a couple of weeks ago in a low blood sugar moment, to which she said there was nothing else to say, other than she had never been happy while we were together and had nothing but bad memories of our time together-in an instant I went from a “poor me, my life is over” to the horrible realization that she had been so unhappy all along, and that I didn’t see her unhappiness, and that I was unable to give her the happiness she so deserves.

Dear Susan,

Some words that crossed my mind…. For some people it is not necessary (for them) to communicate that they don’t want the relationship anymore. And when it happens, it’s always a hide and seek game. They hide and we try harder to find out the answers. And it’s very difficult to find out what’s going on in their life; so we must take the clues and carry on rather than waiting for somebody else to come and say that ‘it’s over’.

I too, had the habit of checking the status on social networking sites (which is not healthy at all); and since I inculcated a habit of not going to Facebook atleast, I gained the peace of mind which was lost. It does help! Try it out. When you notice yourself thinking about your ex; occupy yourself in some activity, and try to be with people as far as you can. This too helps to be in another world.

For the words that hurt us; it somehow gets stuck in our head and we keep rewinding it. Try to forgive her for all the harsh/hurtful words. Not for her, but for your peace of mind! Because you’re a worthy, wonderful and an amazing person!

Muah…Stay positive…:-) Cheers!