Hi Helen,

I understand that at this point the world looks very gloomy. However, few people are lucky enough to have everything they want, others have to fight for it. I understand you feel you have an handicap now and it is quite hard to think you’ll need to restart everything all over. However, many people restart it all over when they experience a loss. It is an hard time, a time of change, a time to find new routine, a time of fear that things may not work out in the end. But do you remember, how was it when you walked the first time on the ground? You did not know what you had, you did not know what was in your power, yet you moved and walked and made more than one step. So, please, look at the world with the eyes of a child, this is you first time once again in your new self. Make your first steps and the others will naturally follow. And this is what a child does: he does not look too much ahead, he does not wonder where those steps will carry him, he just moves and rejoices of his moves. So consider everything you do as a new conquest, as a new victory. Maybe you won’t get everything you ever wanted, but you can still take a lot from life.

You found a caring friend and it is surely something precious, you can rejoice at. Obviously, it is not a committed relationship, you cannot count on him every time you’d like to. Consider this your first step, but do not depend on him. Maybe you can be happy that he decided to stay with you this time, and nothing tells you he may be with you even later after you have made more steps by yourself.

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“Can anyone tell me how to really find out if you love someone?”

That depends on what you mean by love. Surely attraction and needs are a component of love. But these things may pass: when you find out you can afford more, because you made more steps on your path, you may find that person no more that attractive or you may not need that person as much as before. In my personal view, you love someone when you remain with him/her even if you can afford more, maybe just because he/she needs you, maybe until you are both ready to part. So the question of love is: if you found someone better than him, and this new person was actually willing to stay with you, who would you stay with? If he had an accident, would you go to a party with your friends or would you stay with him?
Now you are just starting to make your first steps back to life, but you fear things may not go so well, you may think that he is the best man you will ever find. Maybe you could not think that someone better may propose to you one day, so it may be easy for you to think it is love.

Anyway, the pain you feel is due to the fact that you need him now. You love his company and you want more of it. How do you stop such pain? You will need time away from him. So there are two choices you can make.
The first is to tell him your feelings are starting to grow and you are starting to miss him. Since he told you he cannot love you back, you have to protect yourself. You need to stay away. Then you keep active, do something else, surround yourself with many friends, spend time with your family, read, listen to music, write on this forum, do something pleasant to override those memories of him. Having new friends is what works best. Anyway, some need will always remain as long as you don’t find a new boyfriend.
If you are already quite fond of him and you don’t think things may become any worse, you may as well enjoy the time with him as long as it lasts and deal with the pain of loss later (you never know you may have made more steps and be actually in a better position to deal with it). So you may agree to a relationship where you both are free to part any time (maybe with some warning, just to make you ready).

You may also feel in pain because you fear new boyfriends may take advantage of you like your ex boyfriend did. I believe you learned a lot from your previous relationship, you learned what are the signs of toxicity and now you know when it is time to part and move on. If someone accuses you that you are too clingy or demands too much, that’s not the man for you. It does not matter whether you are really clingy or not, you are clingy for him, and you are OK the way you are, there are many more men who may like a girl that always looks for them. So, what you have to have to do is to learn to say farewell, to part when it is time. I understand it is painful and it is a need that suddenly goes unsatisfied, but you found out that becomes worse. So please, when you part from your current friend, consider it as a way to learn to deal with such a loss, and you’ll be stronger for the next relationship.

• This reply was modified 10 years ago by Vhanon.
• This reply was modified 10 years ago by Vhanon.

Hi Helen,

I know what the feeling of ” my heart is being crushed and ripped out of my cage” is like. Not fun. It will pass. You will heal in time. Nothing is permanent. It may not seem like it now, but your heart and body will heal. You will become stronger and wiser in the future. Hang in there.

Hi Helen,
Your post title really struck a chord with me in that I similarly had an extraordinarily difficult year – worst I have ever had. First, I hope you are physically feeling better. I kind of look at this physical accident as a (yes painful) opportunity for you to pause and put yourself first. Your ankle – meaning the part that grounds you to the earth (bare with my jargon) is needing attention – and I do believe aches and pains and circumstances do all happen for reasons. It sounds like you have been insecure with yourself and esteem, this ankle injury is here to re-direct your attention to yourself, your confidence, your self-compassion, and re-establish your foundation. By no means does this justify the pain or the complexities that are coming along with it – but just a time to take care of yourself and no one else. I hope that made sense. Guard your space, say no when you want, and allow yourself to identify the toxic parts in your life and say no to them. It took my a long time, still is, to see that I have the power to get space when I want – it is a true gift.

My year was tainted with two deaths in the family, care-taking for my ex boyfriends father (who died), the breakdown of our 3.5 year relationship, cutting off a lover from the past who I had thought I would end up with WHILE applying for law school and studying for my LSAT. Talk about concentration problems..

There are times when I am angry at god/universe/larger forces for causing this awful situation and hardships, especially when I am trying to pursue my lifelong dream, I am very very very slowly seeing that this may have been all a gift to push me to an edge of strength that I never had before. I sensed the universe’s presence in these circumstances and I hope at some point, you do too, because I can see it in how you describe your situation.

You don’t see it now but you have more strength in you that you don’t see – the fact that you reached out to Tiny Buddha shows how much you want to take care of yourself and are taking care of yourself – this actions will move you forward. Your finding ways to get help and appreciate yourself for doing that. Don’t give up hope – things will get better. Be patient with yourself and the process, this is all temporary.

• This reply was modified 10 years ago by Joanne.