“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together.” ~Unknown
I am at a phase in my life right now where I’m struggling with loneliness.
Most of the time, I feel a deep sense of disconnection from the world around me and the people I share it with.
The mere fact that I am writing this in the small hours of the morning, deafened by the ear-splitting silence of an empty flat, unable to sleep, simply emphasizes this point to me even harder.
The empty flat in question is mine. And the situation in which I find myself was not part of the plan that I had envisioned for my life at this moment in time.
Everything that was once familiar has now changed.
It was during the end of summer of last year that I split up with my long-term boyfriend. We had begun our six-year relationship stepping out into the big wide world, side by side, doing the grown-up thing of getting our first place together.
It was new and exciting. The future looked promising. And to be fair, it did work, on and off, for a respectable number of years.
However, fast forward past the cluster of good times and the occasional happy holiday, and I found myself having to face up to the heartbreak of a damaged relationship. In particular, the daunting prospect of sharing my future with another human being who, in essence, I just did not feel a connection with anymore.
I could choose to spend my days feeling alone, on the surface still part of the relationship, but deep down feeling emotionally detached and distanced from him.
I could patiently wait for the days where I felt an element of hope—the momentary optimism that everything would turn work out okay for us in the end. I could even reason with myself that this is only a rough patch in our relationship, just a little blip in the overall bigger picture.
Or I could face up to the truth and accept the glaringly obvious: it was over, unfixable, and time to move on.
For months my thoughts were in constant battle. The laborious task of trying to make things work seemed like it was set up to be life-long endeavor. Neither of us had the enthusiasm anymore. It seemed we had simply lost the passion.
In the end, we knew what was coming. It was time to call it a day, move on, and go our separate ways.
Here is what I’ve learned about dealing with loneliness:
Feel your emotions.
When you strip away a big part of your life, you feel exposed, empty, and vulnerable.
During the time after my breakup, I experienced deep feelings of unshakable loneliness. And I still suffer with these feelings from time to time.
However, I have learned that masking those uncomfortable feelings (my escapism being alcohol and meaningless dates) only leaves the pain unattended for a while longer.
I started to understand that I needed to accept my loneliness as a true emotion. It would not just softly fade away, no matter how hard I tried to numb my feelings or look for distractions.
As you experience your emotions, you start to feel lighter. Give them the time and space they need to be fully expressed. Write down your thoughts. Talk about them with someone. Acknowledge that they do exist and that what you are feeling is very real to you.
Trust that the pain does eventually lose its intensity, making room for you to experience a sense of calmness and clarity amidst the difficulties.
Listen to your own advice.
I have indulged in my fair share of self-help books over the years, ranging from detailed accounts on depression, self-esteem issues, and more recently, tips and tricks on beating loneliness.
These stories may offer a few moments of fleeting comfort as you flick through the pages. But they are not able to take the sting out of the raw emotions that you experience first-hand, such as during those times when you are sitting alone, feeling fed up and isolated from the world around you.
Therefore, I have learned to take only the advice that works best for my own mind, body, and spirit, and leave the rest for someone else.
Maybe you are someone like me who prefers to stay at home, enjoying a book, watching a film, or having a bath rather than getting “out there,” meeting people, and forging new relationships.
Sometimes you just need to give yourself a break, making space during those times when you need to rest and restore. Go at your own pace. Understand that you are your own best teacher. And only you will know when it feels right to take the brave step out of your comfort zone into the unknown.
Realize there is nothing to fix.
We know the world is a busy place, crammed full of busy people with busy lives. But that doesn’t mean we need to rush around trying to mend everything that is seemingly wrong with us all of the time.
While learning to stay with uneasy emotions, I realized that I didn’t need to find a speedy resolution for the difficult feelings. It’s okay to feel lonely; it’s just one of our many human emotions.
In fact, it was a relief. There was no need to force myself to search in all the wrong places for the solution anymore. I am certainly not the only single person in the world. Why did I feel that I needed to fix this aspect of my life so soon? It wasn’t even broken.
Try and enjoy the freedom that comes from being detached. Appreciate the opportunity to gain introspection on yourself. You may even discover new interests or familiarize yourself with old forgotten hobbies now that your life has shifted focus.
Accept how it is.
Accepting that there is nothing wrong with how I am feeling gave me the grace to relax. There is no problem right now; therefore, there is nothing I urgently need to attend to.
I know that eventually life will change again; it always does.
How I am feeling now may not be a true reflection on how I feel in a few weeks, months, or years’ time. And I trust that I will stumble across whatever it is I am looking for at some point again in the future.
Right now, though, I am experiencing my life as it is, complete with its bundle of thought-provoking emotions that come as part of the package.
I have learned to accept that this is just another passing chapter in my story, purposely placed here to keep life interesting and meaningful.
It may not be a highlight, but it is still part of my life. And I can live with that.
About Becky Potter
Becky is passionate about writing and travelling. She is keen to inspire people using her own past experiences, with the intention to help others enjoy a happier and healthier life.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Thank you so much for this. Your words are so comforting especially at this moment of my life. I feel adrift in a lonely ocean and your story has just made some hope appear on the horizon.
Becky,
Way to put it out there. Coping with loneliness has become a real pressing issue in my life as of late. It’s a little serendipitous that you posted this today. Yesterday, I wrote a post calling myself out, and trying to make myself accountable for the problems I was facing. You can check it out if you like — my blog isn’t monetized, so I’m not looking to make anything from this. http://www.thesodbusterblog.com/2014/02/being-honest-with-myself.html (if that breaks any comment rules please tell me and I’ll definitely edit it out — but it’s nice to find comfort in other people’s experiences. I’ve gone through something similar, and have found somewhat similar conclusions. I had a 3.5 year relationship end, and the following months were some of the hardest I’ve ever faced. It’s been a series of ups and downs with plenty of very dark moments, but I’m still here fighting.
Feeling your emotions is incredibly important. When we bottle it up, we’re setting ourselves up for failure. Instead of a single hit of pain, we build up a massive snowball of hurt, and when it finally comes crashing down, man does it hurt.
Listen to your own advice. I think this is actually the hardest part haha. I write tons of content on how to heal, or pick up the pieces, but I realized how little I stick to my advice. It’s something I’m working on, and it feels great knowing that I’m not the only one who struggles with this. I’m a sucker for entrepreneur books and philosophy. Seneca is the man.
Realize there is nothing to fix. I have a little bit of a qualm there. I think there is always something to fix, but that sometimes we have to accept that it will take time. The problem isn’t always solved quickly. Sometimes you have to realize that the path to healing is much like growing a plant. The seed must be sown, watered, and nurtured. In time, the seed will develop strong roots, and flourish into something beautiful. I hope you follow my metaphor, but that’s how I view self development and deep personal issues. They take time and love.
Ah man, I want to keep going on this post because it’s great, but I just realized I’m going to be late for class.
Fantastic article, and keep kicking. You’re beautiful. Cheers.
I have gone through the exact same thing. Reading your words, they could have been written by me and I’ve just been through pretty much the same things. The loneliness feelings are the hardest for me, and as you say, I’ve been searching for an answer to it doing things that weren’t right for me. It’s a tough ole path, but I’m sure things will work out ok, they normally do. For now, I have biscuits 😀
Needed this. Just experienced a breakup with the woman I thought I’d marry and spend my life with. Am heartbroken. Valentine’s Day was particularly difficult.
I am in the same boat, with dreams in pieces, and I too deeply needed this simple affirmation. There is nothing wrong with us, we are simply experiencing life. Namaste, my brother. We will carry on. 🙂
Feeling broken and lonely. I left my husband after seven painful months of marriage. I thought he is the live of my life and realized there is nothing in him for me..not even some respect. I love him but must stay away to protect my esteem.
hi! yours was the opposite of mine, I just broke up with the man I thought I will be marrying a year from now..
Im feel really bad for you, I spend time thinking about Christmas, my birthday
and every special day … I’ll hope you get well soon, Im still in process to get out of my depression.
🙂
I’m going through it also. On December my girlfriend confessed in a huge letter how she felt about us. How she wanted to start a life with me. On Feb she felt different that I was just a stepping stone to her. And that we should move forward. Gosh it was unreal. We dated for 10 months. She told me she really liked me.
I just ended a relationship with a woman I was planning to propose to within the next few months a very short time ago. We were absolutely amazing through college, but once we were out in the real world she refused to make an effort as well as ran through a whole gauntlet of emotional and mental issues I had never seen before in her. Meanwhile, here I am doing my best to console her and make her feel like nothing was her fault (like an idiot).
Things seemed to be getting back to normal and we got a small apartment together. For two weeks, she seemingly ignored me. One night, I told her we needed to talk… and it ended with her explaining she was no longer attracted to me, and that she had been confiding in my best friend who had been being “very attentative” to her. But that she didn’t give up easily and was willing to try and make it work between us! Needless to say, I moved out with the greatest sense of betrayal I’ve ever felt.
Moral of the story, even through the worst feelings of loneliness, like I woke up with today (hence, why I’m here)… being in a bad relationship is many, many times worse than being single. No matter the reason for the break up, it is the right choice.
Thank you do much for sharing your story. I recently went through a break up with a guy I loved so much but due to his family backround and deep set issues he never trusted me and was possessively jealous making me feel trapped and isolated from the world.
If I gave any one else attention whether it was male or female he would get very angry and swear and just get out of control even tho I was always fully honest and faithfull to him. I was forced to leave him because he drove me horrible emotions and feelings of fear and worthlessness.
It is the most difficult thing to leave someone you love so much and I am heartbroken.
But reading stories like this make me feel empowered and stronger.
Thank you so much, we will all be happy in the end <3
This is exactly what happened to me two months ago. I feel like he has recently stopped loving me. I kept telling him to give up, that we were never getting back together. But it hurts so much more now that I feel like he has stopped loving me. I know what I had with him isn’t what I want. But I do miss feeling loved. I miss it a lot.
Madison I completely understand your feeling but if you already knew in your heart that this man is not for you then this breakup is all for the best.
We all want to feel loved and the first person that has to love you is yourself.
Take a moment and look at your life and see how blessed you are with your family and friends and most importantly love yourself.
Be positive and the right person will come into your life when you least expect it.
The pain you are feeling now is temporary and it will pass.
Focus on yourself, eat healthy exercise and surround yourself with people that make you happy and you will see that in a few months you will feel so much happier and see the situation in a completely different way.
I hope this helps ❤️
i hope after reading this 8 months since the post, things are getting easier for you!!
God this hits home
Recently broke it off with a man who sounds almost identical. Deep-routed issues from his previous relationship of 7 years, a man wanting nothing more than children with his love only to find out she was cheating and fell pregnant with another mans baby. And only found out when he tried to visit her to speak with her about why she was ignoring him. I was so patient with him and his needs but it took such a drastic toll on my mental and physical health. Never trusted me despite being 100% all for him, making me feel so isolated from the world and from the friends I had created, the amount of people I was told to block, the amount of insults I pushed through that just toppled with each insult that stacked atop another, until eventually I felt and believed the horrible things he was saying to me. I was always looping between feeling worthless when one of his moods struck to feeling loved like I’ve never felt before. Most of my hours per day were spent with him, both on the horrible days and the good days where he was the person I believed he could be if he seeked help
In the end, he finally realised what he had done and broken it off, but the scars will always be there. Now its just dealing with that loneliness after giving yourself so deeply to someone and expecting them to do right by you
I got engaged to my fiancee 9 months ago, actually it was arranged by my family and the girls family, during the initial days after the engagement i was not that happy because it was not going to be a love marriage , but i had to talk to the girl everyday since i got engaged to her, gradually i started liking her and i found out that in fact she was a wonderful girl and lovable, for 4 months we talked, i didn’t let her know that i started loving her a lot. But since just before engagement i graduated and still i was looking for a job, i thought of paying full attention to looking for a job so that i could marry her and keep her happy. so i stopped talking to her for 3 months and started preparing and lookin for a job, and my fiancee understood that i hoped, i just wanted to end her miserable days soon by getting a job and get married, now i got a job one month ago as an engineer in an industry, working happily thinking my family and her family will now talk and fix the date for marriage. During these days without her, i always felt that she was always beside me strengthening my determination. But two days before my father sent me a message that the marriage is cancelled because the girl ran away with someone and was caught. I felt devastated and tried calling him the same evening but could not because of network error. Next morning i called the girl to know firsthand about everything. she told me that she didn’t run away with anyone. But a boy in the locality started following her. So she and her family registered a case and put him behind the bars. But a false word spread through the whole talk that she actually ran away with him. My fiancee told me that was all only a rumour and nothing else. But that word reached the ears of my father and he believed it totally and could not tolerate the insult in the locality. I was working in a different state of our country and told my father and even quarelled with and shouted at him and told him to please go my fiancee’s house and talk to the girl and her family and find out about the real situation. But he didn’t listen. He said he is not going to talk to the girl’s family but will go to her home and straightaway say no to them for marriage and will break the engagement. Yesterday evening he did the same, he believed only the town people’s made up word and cancelled the engagement at her home and didn’t even enquired about anything and just said NO and left. I called my fiancee that evening and she told me that my father said no. I told her and her family that I WILL MARRY HER i will never ever talk to my father gain who is such foolish. But the girl is from a good family and can not marry her to me without my father’s consent. I repeatedly told them that my father is an old thought foolish person, no body can make him say yes, i also told the girl that my father said if i want to marry her, go ahead but never come home and talk to him whole life. I said okay.
But the girl’s family tells me to bring my father’s consent, I said he will never. But i am ready to marry without my family. But the girl’s family told me to make my father ready or break the relationship with my fiancee now and never call again. I told them then to let me talk to her on phone for the last time. And i told her with heavy heart that she should not worry, she will get a much better boy than me, and i could not tell her that that i loved her a lot because otherwise we would not be able to forget each other after. And i remembered the day of our engagement when I could see that she was feeling the happiest person in the world and the when i didn’t know her much and the day today when i loved her most in the world. I struggled and got a job for both of us so that we could lead a happy life, but she’ll never be with me ever. Right now while i am writing these i am crying and there are tears in my eyes. I then i told her that we will end it as nicely as we started and say goodbye to each other. And then after we talked for the last time the moment came and i took her name and said goodbye and then she followed “Goodbye”.
She will remain my heartthrob for ever and ever and i wish all the happiness in her life.She became my dream girl and unfortunately will remain only as a dream.
I really, really, really feel for you. I genuinely hope you will somehow be able to be together again. Like some people say, if it is meant to be, in the end everything will be alright.
I know how you feel… my ex fiancé and I ended our relationship only about 3 months ago or so and I struggle with the feeling of loneliness from time to time. It was way worse around the holidays! I’ve learned so much though from this time apart. I think society puts this emphasis on relationships and how we HAVE to be in one to find happiness. It’s almost as if being in a relationship is the cure-all and escape to all of life’s problems. I’ve come to realize that this is not the case and unfortunately, as palpable as the feeling of loneliness can be… it strangely makes me feel human and alive. I think when I was with my ex I was just merely existing in a world where I thought I was safe even though internally I was screaming, GET OUT. I didn’t believe that he was right for me even though I tried to force that feeling inside my head. I know it’s cliche but I believe things happen for a reason and I believe that you can be okay after you lose a loved one (break ups can feel like death). Life is constantly changing and the only thing you can be sure of is who you are now and who you want to be tomorrow.
Anyways, sorry for the long comment back. I see that it’s been 3 years since your comment! I’m sure you are doing just fine now and I’m sure that things make way more sense!
-Tah
I hope you came out the other end OK.
I’m 2days into being single after 5years of seeing talking laughing and yes sometimes complaining to someone nearly every day.
She needed to get her life back..guess I did too..but it hurts like hell
I’m 4 days in being single after almost 8 years break up really hurts. Lonliness makes me think thats I would give it another chance knowing that what he did is so unacceptable. Stay strong.
That’s not a good place to be I know..but accepting really bad behaviour hurts our spirit.
BTW I was capable of dishing that out in return for what I thought was coming from other direction…something I wish I’d handled more maturely and not responded to so fiercly emotional.
Im now into 5weeks or so of separation…we met to say goodbye with some dignity which Im very glad about..
.but there’s a giant space in my life…with(surprising) good days and bad days…
I think TR’s comment above is really worth reading..
good thoughts going out to you…life itself is best lived in manageable daily slices at a time..through joy OR sorrow.
God bless
9 years ago since this comment was written how has your life turned out
Great post. And quite timely.
While I am still in the throws of my relationship, the feelings of loneliness are very real for me. What’s difficult is that it’s not the first time. I sometimes wonder of it’s just me. It’s to the point where I try to disguise it for my wife. She will often look at me bewildered. Wondering what planet I’m on. My challenge is that of kids who mean the world to me.
At some point I will need to come clean with her if we are to move forward or to continue on our separate paths.
Thank you for sharing your story. Funny how so many relate to it.
This is written perfectly, thank you Becky. I’m going trough somewhat the same set of emotions these last couple of months. While trying to do exactly what you’re saying, accepting it as a part of my life, even if it’s not a highlight, that’s the best thought that kept me going and reviving lost energies and motivation for other things.
I don’t know if it’s ok to promote anything here on this website, but lately I’m reading “the deepest acceptance” by Jeff Foster. It is a beautifully written book and explains a lot of our everyday emotions and human experience in overall + for example how and why we end up feeling like this article has shown us.
I would suggest reading it to anyone. I’ve had my share of selfhelp/informative/spiritual growth books (eckhart tolle, krishnamurti etc.), but this one really gives a somewhat more realistic perspective on all of this, it’s hard to explain but It really helped me grow as a person and I’d love to share that with others =)
I needed this as well. Just broke it off with someone after 16 years of being together…..thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. Cried for 4 days straight….caught him with his OWN family member. Doesn’t feel real….and I can literally feel my heart breaking.
Yes… 16 years is me too.
Thank you so very much for your words. I am just coming to terms with a break up and the overriding feeling at the moment is loneliness. I don’t know what to do with myself most of the time and feel loneliness and sadness. I see a positive future and I know I am learning lots. Your words are so meaningful to me at this time. Thank you xx
Thank you for your post. Reading it was like re-living the end of my long-term relationship. Trying to fix something that simply couldn’t be fixed. The hardest part of the loneliness is thinking I’ll never find the same happiness again. I know, in time, things will get better but right now, I feel like I will never heal.
I feel exactly the same, tell me how do you feel now? It really gets better with the time?
This was a very good read. I went through the same thing 3 years ago. My loneliness almost killed me, I tried to commit suicide 3 times. I had to go through all of that, I had to experience that, because if I did not I would not be here today.
However now I am ready for new relationships. Every relationship whether it’s long or short is a lesson for you. Thank you for this article.
What lesson ? you’re trying to believe in a meaning for this stupid experience .
Im going through the same issues right now Talya I feel like my life is over and I have nothing to live for anymore Im at work and cant focus all i constantly think about is my ex and we still live together Im a mess right now and reading your comment gave me hope that even in the midst of all this pain and heartache there is light at the end of the tunnel and things will be ok
believe me it’s hard to live with someone you care about. that’s me right now. but I feel like I’ll never be happy. 14 yr breakup. 🙁
I am also going through the same thing. Getting divorced after being together 5 years with a bought house. I am due for a raise at work which woll help me keep the house but it wont be for another month meanwhile my wife agreed to help with the mortgage until the raise. She is gone 3-4 days of the week staying at her “friends” house doing god knows what, mostly admittedly going to the bars. We just celebrated new year’s a part. So hard to watch someone just live their own life so easily after living together for 5 years.
My God, I’m in the same exact situation. 14 year breakup with the girl I thought I would be happy ever after with, she’s currently packing… In my case, she didn’t want to have kids while I did. The problem is that we still love each other, but can’t come to terms on this topic… It’s like getting a very much alive part of you removed without anesthesia, to which you’re still attached and desperately clinging to. It’s going to be a very rough spot for me…
There is certainly life beyond this pain and there is light. We have to go through this. I am going through this but what helps me is talking to my friends. I go and see a therapist too.
I’m sorry. I’m at that stage already, institutionalized and categorized as bipolar. 3 moths ago breakup of 14yrs. thought it was forever but it was a lie. he left me by leaving to another state on vacation which I was gonna go with. had my bags packed. he told me no! I dropped him at airport and no bye or kiss. then he don’t text me or anything but texts his new girl friend. wtf. I confronted him and he’s like I’m done with you and guess what his parents wrote up eviction papers and I got 3 months to leave.. wow. I really loved this man. 🙁 🙁
OMG just when you think of yourself going through tough time, do you see not only you are not alone but your own suffering is nothing compared to others.
That was an awful thing to happen to you Melissa Hope your’e getting your life back& feeling at least a bit better by now..
Thank you. I was starting to feel uncomfortable with still feeling lonely and disconnected while it’s been a good 9 months since my breakup. It was bad, he was a narcissist, it was an abusive relationship and I tore myself away just as I tore myself apart doing it. Not that he’d care, anyway. And now, 9 months down the line, you’d think I’d be all over it, but I’m still struggling. This article helped. I’m not abnormal after all. Thank you.
My long term boyfriend is a narcissist. He was also diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder (a cousin, if not a twin, of the classic sociopath). I have known for quite some time that this relationship I am in is an emotionally abusive one. He is really good at twisting words, manipulating, lying by omission and blaming me for each and every emotional slap in the face that he gives. While I am still with him, I already know the damage will be long term once I do eventually leave him. One would think “if he hurt you this much, why would you be so torn up once you’re free”? That’s the thing about relationships and, dare I say, good women. We love, we love deeply and sometimes we love the wrong kinds of men deeply. They inflict their damage, leave scars and we carry the pain for long periods of time because we still wanted things to work out somehow .. we wanted this investment of love, time and commitment to be appreciated and valued by these men. No, we are not abnormal. We just got tangled up with people who were not healthy for us to be with.
I just started a book called “How to Break Your Addiction to a Person” by Howard Halpern. “Addiction” seems like a loaded term, but the book has been eye opening and very helpful to me so far. Highly recommend.
How to heal? After 4.5 years together she decided that we are not compatible anymore. I am in this foreign country alone and can’t cope with the pain. She has her friends and her family around and it is much easier for her. Please someone give me a proper advice. I can’t help myself anymore. God!!!
I hope you are doing ok now Set.
Thanks i really needed to hear this .I was in a relationship that wasn’t healthy and not even happy i blamed myself for everything that wasn’t right about it i feel so not good enough loneliness I have a lot of health problems that he will get mad and say mind reacking things that makes me feel worthless don’t know how to get it out of my mind i don’t feel like the scars will ever heal just don’t feel good enough or if any man will love me for who i am!!!!!!!
I’m 2 weeks post break-up with what sounds like the exact same man. Even though I knew it wasn’t healthy the pain is still monumental with him gone. I feel the worst lonlieness and despair while all my loved ones are celebrating our demise cause they knew how bad he was for me. This is the worst pain I’ve ever experienced and I wake up wishing each day it will be different but it’s not.
Thank you, thank you. My last relationship was very similar except I left once and tried a second time. We just broke up again for the second time. OMG I hurt so bad. I truly love him deeply, however it will never work because he does not want to do the work to change or make the relationship work. One person cannot give 150% all the time while the other only gives 50% or even less. It also seems that major depression cycles with narcisstic personalities and that’s a whole other problem to deal with. Cannot do it anymore. Life is too short. I hope to heal quickly and wholly and not return for a third round.
Please can someone post an update on how you are doing now. I still feel so empty and sad even thought I know it was the right choice. I miss him even tho I was lonelier in the relationship than I am now… now im alone. I fear if he turns up I will go back. I feel like I dont belong anywhere and need to know that someone from a year ago has got through it. 🙁
It does get better but I understand your wanting the pain to go away. My husband left me 6 months ( 13 yrs of marriage) ago as I was dealing with my father dying. I lost the 2 most important men in my life within months. The loneliness has been terrible. It is easing . What has been helpful for me is journaling- writing down my thoughts of anger , pain, sadness etc. Also making note of why my relationship ended and all the negatives. Also I would suggest if you are not seeing a professional do so. Talking out all your emotions is good. Lastly be gentle with yourself and don’t rush the healing process. You will get there in your own time.
Hope you got through OK..
I feel the same way! I can honestly say that I knew I was trying way too hard to make something work that wasn’t going to work. It is still so hard though to accept that I am without him. Thank you for somehow validating my own feelings!
It has been two years since I posted my comment. A lot has changed and yet not everything has. I hit a devastating wall one year ago, found condoms under our bed, found a woman laying on our bed (he did not tell me he had company over nor had I ever met this woman but he claims that she just let herself into our home unannounced .. I’m still waiting for a hot guy to wander into my home ..). I knew if I did not leave him, I was going to wind up in the hospital or mental clinic with a severe mental breakdown, of which I have never experienced but boy did I feel it coming. I got an apartment, first time living by myself and let me tell you .. it feels amazing. I have never felt this free before. There is a downside .. we are still best friends. I do not drive, nor do I have any family or friends, so I rely on him heavily for friendship and trips out. I still love him but I have come to learn I cannot live with him nor can I be his girlfriend. Yet, I am still very much attached to the point where someone else has entered the picture and I am so scared of losing my ex that I keep the new guy at bay. The new guy is very patient and understanding of my circumstances but I cannot remain attached to my ex forever. I fear the ex would fall apart if I were to move on .. his mom told me she fears he will have a breakdown without me .. I cannot put my own happiness on hold indefinitely but the sick twisted thing about attachment, or as another here called it “addiction”, some connections run really deep. I do fear I will eventually go back to him out of necessity and attachment but every time I think of the way he treated me, the nausea I still feel in the pit of my stomach begs me to put myself first before enduring that nightmare again. I hope everyone here is finding their own way through their difficult situations. It feels hopeless sometimes, even now, but you have to put yourself first at some point in this life. Please remember this. P.S. it feels awesome making a big plate of food at midnight and having nobody around to question your sanity 🙂
Try the group ACA. It includes adult who grew up in a dysfunctional family not just those that had alcohol involved.
I’ve started going here in UK and I can recommend as they get to explore how as basically damaged people we manage to attach ourselves to other damaged people…subconsciously mostly.
And show a way out from under life-long reactions..
Best wishes and hope you have made some progress since your last post.
lonelyhearted – I really hope you are doing better now. I got through it .. sort of. Still in it but at least now I have my own apartment and we are just friends. Baby steps. But I am happier alone than I felt by his side. Loneliness does pull me down sometimes, the fear of never finding a stable relationship makes me cry at times. I hope you did not return to your ex. Like I tell myself often, it is better to be alone than to be lonely with someone by my side. *hugs* Life is a roller coaster. Sometimes the ride gets stuck in mid-air. Just gotta hang in there because it will pass .. we have to believe this much.
Hey hope all better for you..I’m just in my 1st two days so can’t give you any feedback as such..other than like you 2years ago.. it hurts like hell.
That feeling of ‘don’t belong anywhere’ I identify with very strongly..it’s a bummer being given so many ways to be happy…and then so many ways to be unhappy..
Good wishes to you wherever you are in life right now..
Ehhh I so know this feeling. I am only 3 months after a breakup with a relationship of 8 years. When I think about the relationship it was pretty bad. Good times of course but really really bad times too. From disrespect and abuse to cheating. The problem is I get caught up in the fact that I invested so much “love, time and commitment that It’s really hard for me to let go. I think sometimes wow I just groomed him for his next girlfriend in some ways but then again he never really changed. Anyhow I hope you are way moved on now and I appreciate you sharing your experience!
I’m in the same situation. We are almost at the end, actually we’ve been extending the end for a long time now.. I’m so scared of what happens next.
i am in a relationship with a man who acts weird and unrelaxed when the weather is too hot. I dont know what is wrong but i know he has issues. i told him he is sick and needs to see a doctor but he would refuse. i am so unsure how to handle my case.
This sounds exactly like my situation. We have now decided to end the relationship after 20 yrs, we have a son who’s 18 next month. I’m torn. He’s put me through hell, drinks excessively, yet I’m still absolutely gutted. How are things now? Are you still with him? xx
I have more or less the same type of relationship,though it started out as a very giving one.She was SO utterly devoted to me for first few years,once we moved to our second home,things went south when I developed health issues and could not work.One has to wonder IF they are lacking something either in their soul or mind? as in NO compassion?
So yes this very good man (me) wonders why I find women who seem ideal and ladylike and so caring and then the switch off like a lightbulb.Strange I am told many women would adore me?
This one displayed many signs of a cheater according to some websites though I could find little proof other than her giving her cell # to a guy she described as slimy who texted her day after New Years 2013 and I told him to bugger off. So if she did cheat that would make 11 women now,and I still have no idea why? I am classy,intelligent,considerate and sensual as well as very attentive in the bedroom.
Henry I am in the exact same issue. Recently my girlfriend called for a 2 week break then broke up with me. She has been wanting to stay friends and we have gone back to her place and hooked up 3 times… But it seems like she only wants to talk to me when its convenient for her or when she is down, as she is always out being social, going to pubs, posting on facebook etc I started to suffer from heavy depression/anxiety/bipolar symptoms and thats when the relationship started to fall. Her emotional intelligence is that of a brick wall, im an emotional guy who loves sharing (funny how usually gender wise the traits are the other way around) so i could not go to her about any of my feelings. She shut down when i tried to speak to her, wouldnt say anything and didnt have the compassion/empathy that one should have in a relationship with someone… Then one day she randomly said shes had enough of me and needed time apart… After the previous day of saying she loved me and she was there for me… Ive realised the type of person i was, realised i made mistakes and became such a negative person that it shaped who i became. Even still after admitting to my mistakes and behaviour, this month and a bit after the break up have been incredibly hard as she has not bothered to even ask how im going, how i have been – Only stuff about her, very self absorbed. I can relate to how your feeling Henry. I have now come to the conclusion she was not the right girl for me at the time, we both went through our own challenges but i do deserve better than what happened. I have never been torn apart like i have this past month and a bit… I have learnt new things about life and myself, i have finally learnt to take it as an opportunity to grow. I am like you, i can be confident carrying suave and intelligence, women appreciate me etc but i lost the ability to believe in myself. Us guys are hard to find in a society like ours Henry, remember that. Believe in yourself man! Time really does heal. Accept and feel your emotions and eventually come to terms with them. Peace.
Thanks Jake I hear you loud and clear.I am feeling slightly more optimistic and the new state of the art antidepressants are really helping me improve myself,my drive and focus,sounds like you may be a candidate for such? I was against trying them until now,best thing I have done in 20 years.It will be her loss in a few more months believe me lol!
If you need to know more you can email me,lemme know
cheers pal H
I know that feeling very well I’ve spilt from my wife after being married for 15 years and in that time I never thought we would spit. I found out that she was seeing a young lad aged 17 I had an idea for a little while before it all happened and I did say to her if she was not happy anymore with me then please just say so as then I can deal with it and try and move on with my life but she said that there was nothing wrong and tryed to pull the wool over my eyes to what was going on and when the truth did come out as normal from her she just tryed to blame everything on me as she had done though out our relationship. This is how bad she was when we parted ways it was when I ended up in hospital as I knew what was going on and my illness was playing up due to the stress of it. You see I’m diabetic and have been most of my life. Whilst I was in hospital I had the police call me and my ex had made claims that I had hurt her and our kids and did not want me to go back to my home. Well social services the police doctors and other people involved due to what she claimed all got involved and looked into what had been said and what they could prove had gone on and with in two days they all closed down the case saying that she had made up all the complaints as unknown to my ex they talked to everyone and she and her 17 year old boyfriend where the only two people who where saying the same thing everyone else was telling them how much I love my kids and my ex even her own family members told police that she was known for making story’s up to get her own way. The police and others who where looking into all this could not believe how bad she was and how much she was lieing they did ask me if I wished to make anything official about her lieing but me being me told them no. This is why we parted ways but after being with someone for 15 years you think you should know them but just shows that I didn’t. We have been parted ways now for about a year and I’m still finding it so different and hard everyday due to the way she treated me I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to trust someone else enough for them to get close to me and I don’t know what to do about this as due to my ex I’m afraid of it all happening again and I have no idea what to do or how to do it for me to get over this and find someone else who I’m able to settle down with as I am so afraid that someone else would do something like this again so any help or any helpful ideas anyone has to help me would be greatly appreciated I don’t think I ever find someone who I can really trust anymore due to what she’s done. Are all women like this as I. Feel so sad and lonely more than I ever have
God that must have been awful!
Hey GDPILK. .hope you’re in a better place and getting some enjoyment from life 1year on
I could have written this myself. I was involved with a man for 8 years. We had alot of ups and downs but we always stayed in contact. In December just 4 months ago I had a serious surgery and the week before that I saw him. He kissed me, hugged me and said that WE would get through this. Over the next few weeks up until the 1st of February I really though that he wanted to work things out until one day he was pushing me to get back in school, get a new job (I have had the same one for 26 years, he was always on me to get out and get back to my usual happy self. I was not ready it had only been 6 weeks since I had a thorocotomy. I was in too much physical pain, and he never was sensitive to that. That was just 2 1/2 months ago. Saturday I was online and he had actually created a facebook account which shocked me since he was always against social media. He was with another woman and his status was Married… I felt like someone had stuck a knife in my chest. How could I have been so stupid to believe we were so close and he somehow in the past 2 1/2 months is married. I don’t know how to deal with this. We were engaged for 8 years and he is now announcing on social media that he is married. I just wish I knew what to do now. I feel betrayed, lost, and alone.
sheri0409 – These situations are so difficult, especially when the one who hurts us still has our heart. The only thing I can think to tell you is this .. he is her problem now. She will either come to experience emotional pain like you have or maybe they are a better “fit” and she will be fortunate. Either way, what he did to you by hiding his new marriage from you is a direct reflection of who he is. It has nothing to do with you, who you are or what *you* deserve from a man.
If you ask me, you dodged a bullet. “I was in too much physical pain, and he never was sensitive to that” .. this in and of itself is reason to move on with your life. When we are at our weakest, we need a supportive partner who will help us through it and not add to the pain.
I invested way too many years of my life with someone who said things that degraded me, pulled me down and turned his back on me in many ways that tore me slap apart.. but he was also good to me in many ways and this is how I justified settling for the abuse. I grabbed hold of the little moments we would laugh together, I held importance in the bond we had developed and told myself all the bad stuff was something I had to tolerate for companionship. This is how relationships are, right? ‘Better’ didn’t exist ..
Sheri, it gets better. It can get better. As I type this, I am in love with a man that was a dear text friend for 3 years. He tried picking me up when my ex was tearing me down. I thought of this friend often when I was in heavy tears over my relationship and the way I was being treated. This text friend was a glimmer of hope for me, that there were good men out there who would never be ashamed of me or speak words that left me feeling so ugly. We finally met this past week. Now, I feel like I am on fire and everything around me feels so alive and filled with potential. This coming from someone who never thought she would feel good about love again.
Please, please do not let your ex pull you down or crush you any longer than you need to heal from it. I don’t know your life situation but I can tell you this .. there is someone out there who won’t wait 8 years to marry you. They will treat you better, love you better and bring so much more happiness into your world than your ex was able to do. Just hang in there, do not waste any more love on this cruel man and be good to yourself.
You will find the love you need. Never settle for less than what you know you deserve. It sounds cheesy but it is so very true. Leave that idiot in your past. There is a great big world out there and I truly believe one day you will come back to this site and you will feel so much different, so much better, than you currently do. Just like I am.
*hug*
Thank you so much! It is amazing how much you just helped me out. I have never got on these support and for a total stranger to give me so much insight into the matter is making me think that there are people who care and understand how I am feeling. It gives me hope. You are a beautiful person I am so glad you are happy now you totally deserve it.
I don’t know you but to receive such a caring response is more than you will ever know. Thank You with all of my heart.
I understand resonate with many of what is written. However in my life even smaller breakups ( not necessarily that of a conventional love relation between a couple) has been very painful and I never “learned” to heal. These things took me to a boiling point and the only solution I could look for is an inner spiritual transformation. Temporary healing after a breakup may work for many, but not for all. The very fact that relationships break could make one go so deep into the reality of what we really are and look for a deeper understanding of what relationships really mean. For me all this could only be healed through unconditional love.
Feel free to mail me if you want to listen to me more getsathya at hotmail com
Same here. I hope you are feeling better and that you found a friend.
So well said, you write beautifully.
My girlfriend broke up with me and decided went back to be with her ex boyfriend. It was so heart broken to see their valentines pictures. Cant believe she move on so quick and i am left alone here feeling devastated .
I’m so sorry Brian. That must hurt a lot. Try not to look at the pictures.
I was broken up with on Valentine’s Day too.
exact same thing has happened with me this week. My gf went back to her ex. it is unbelievable how someone can just switch off and move on…..hurts like hell.
This really a hell and it’s driving me crazy as well
bonfire bro.
One day you will recover from this Brian.
Whereas your ex has to face herself in the mirror….EVERY DAY!
Very similar story to mine. We had children too. The break up was difficult and messy, but things are looking up all the time. You just have to stay positive and keep looking forward, try not to look back xxx
Thank you so much for writing this. I don’t think that most people understand or have the experience of this kind of loneliness for extended periods of time and I have always felt that I’ve had to go to great lengths to hide my experience. It seems socially unacceptable. I appreciate you sharing your experience.
Thank you Becky, this is EXACTLY the advises I need right NOW. To move forward peacefully with loneliness is not easy, there’s ups and downs, but I know I’m not alone when I read what you’ve shared. We grow with each and every step we take, whether it’s a hard step or a light one. Thank you~
I am at a very painful crossroads in my life right now. Things between my boyfriend of six years and myself has reached a serious road block. I cannot forsake the few things that are a core necessity in a relationship for me (I am disabled with a deformed face and he recently admitted he has been keeping my appearance a secret from people he goes to tech college with .. I cannot live my life feeling shame from my partner .. it is tearing my own self esteem slap up).
He is who he is and I cannot force him to understand why this is causing so much damage between us. I need more, I need my own form of “better” in a partner. But he has become my everything. My only friend, my only caregiver, my only means of getting groceries and sharing conversations.
If I leave him, I will be forced to struggle in ways that I have never experienced before and to be honest, I am not even sure that I am emotionally capable of handling it.
But if I stay .. this distance, this pain, will continue to create a vast chasm between us. I deserve to be loved for who I am. I deserve to be accepted and I deserve to have a man who takes pride in me and not falter when in the presence of ignorant people.
I read your article and fantasize what I might feel like if right now, this very minute, I were on my own .. in my own apartment .. faced with immense loneliness but at the same time faced with a glimmer of hope that someday I might have the chance to find a man who can love me the way I deserve to be loved.
With each day I am getting closer to taking a leap of faith and freeing myself from a relationship that just is not healthy for my boyfriend or myself anymore.
I am terrified. But time has a way of making us desperate for change as the days, weeks and years go by.
Thank you for a thought provoking article.
This is very true. I just broke up with a 7 year relationship, 2 weeks ago. I am very much puzzled as of the moment. I need someone to talk to.
I just can’t believe there are so many people out there going through what I went through and having the same thoughts, hurts and anguish. My boyfriend of 14.5 years told me via phone and email just before Christmas that he needed time to think. My depression over the loss of my job two years ago, my father last year, my cat, etc., had put me in a deep funk that I couldn’t get out of. Then I did the terrible thing of asking to move in with him. (We live a few states apart). He promised he would “be there for me;” but I guess he didn’t realize how hard that would be not hearing from him after all these years of staying in touch every single day like clockwork via email and phone.
I’ve started therapy, am looking for support groups, started yoga and meditation, write my thoughts in a journal every night, etc….all healthy, positive actions. I try to keep busy which is very hard without a full-time job. I’ve also stopped initiating any contact with this man; and am proud to say this is my 20th “N.C.” day. I vacillate between hurt and anger since I don’t understand how he could do such a cold, insensitive, selfish, cowardly thing like breaking up via phone and email just before the holidays when we had plans with his family, etc. Couldn’t he have found another way? I try to take each day as it comes, but I still wrestle with the isolation, loneliness and utter sadness…difficulty sleeping and constant crying. I know this is all part of the healing process…and occurrences like these are part of life and happen for a reason. But it makes me question if relationships are worth it if you have to go through such utter misery when they end. Someone, please respond! Thank you, pj
what a very good and inspirational read.. thank you so much for enlightening me somehow…
Thank you for sharing your valuable advice.
I share your thoughts on the pain of loneliness as i have recently broken up with a man i thought was my future. I cant remember what i did with myself in the evenings when i was previously single. I know I never felt lonely , i was happily single… i guess that was probably the difference. Now i am home alone, broken hearted and trying to heal myself and silence my inner dialogue that constantly asks what i could have done differently to save a troubled relationship that sucked the life out of me.
I have healed from a broken heart before and the first time this happened to me, i never thought i would get over it and every morning I woke up I wondered if there would ever be a day when the first thing i thought would not be about my loss and heartache but this I remember and would like to share with you. I did get over it, it didn’t kill me and it did get better! Remembering this , i am allowing myself time for the loneliness and sadness to wash over me as I know things will get better and this too will pass.
In the mean time , i am trying to be kind to myself, thats all we can do.
Thanks for the words of motivation. I am constantly searching for things like “i made it through my breakup” online and there isn’t too much that has to do with success stories but rather how to cope in the meantime. Sometimes it helps to hear that it is possible to be happy again and it will happen soon, we just have to wait it out and work on ourselves.
i need someone to talk to.. just broke up after a 7 year relationship…
You can talk to me, an anonymous person on the net! I mean it. (See my comment above for a synopsis of my situation.)
I know how you feel, my fiancé ended our engagement after six years together out of the blue. I find it hard to get out of bed somedays.
I am going through something very similar. How did you get on with your life? I feel like im barely functioning anymore and can barely make it through the day. 🙁
Are you ok now joy? Hows things a year on?
My divorce was finalized a little over a month ago. We were together for 16 years, and I am 35. I have never been on my own, and so far it is extreme torture. Because I’m a grad student, the divorce cast me into poverty, and I can’t afford to move right now. I filled the fall with manic dating, most of which resulted in me feeling broken and even more vulnerable.
I don’t have a strong network in my town, and I find that when I slow down I succumb to total despair and feel like I’m not going to make it until I graduate. Staying manically busy isn’t making me happy, just very stressed on top of it all.
So, reading this did help. I wish I could more easily find others dealing with the shock of a dramatic life change.
Hi, you’re definitely not alone. It may seem like it but there are people going through the same. I was in a decade long relationship when it all came crumbling down. First, my professional life fell apart, then a few months later, my personal life followed. At a time when I needed the support, he wasn’t there, and that made it much harder.
There are good days and then there are days I want to stay in and torture myself with what-ifs. But I’m forcing myself to keep busy so I don’t think about it and spiral into a deeper depression. So if you want to vent, we are all here for you.
Thank you so much. I actually feel like I’ve made big progress on one thing- after having a work function all day today I am exhausted and don’t think I can attend a party tonight. Not making myself go just to avoid being alone is a huge change.
You’re not alone, and I get it, its really hard and not easy, and have no money only seems to make it worst. Just never stop to keep trying.
Good luck lisbet!
Thanks, I need it. Have realized I have a total phobia of being alone that I really need to address.
I’m in the same boat. My relationship with the guy I was to marry next year has ended and I am so devastated but I know I need to go through and feel the loneliness to come out stronger. Thanks for this post.
I’m at a point in our marriage of 3yrs (been together 10 years) Where my wife has said she’s fallen out of love with me and sees me more as a brother or a best friend (Which I thought I was meant to be as well as a loving husband). She left me a month ago after a series of rows over something and nothing. She asked for some space which I feel I’ve given her. We’ve been in minimal contact throughout, all contact has been initiated by her. She’s been back home for some clothes and asked me questions about someone else sleeping in our bed.. Sobbing down the phone, saying she’s missing me, but doesn’t know if it’s for the right reasons.. Why wasn’t I fighting to save the marriage… The next minute she’s wanting to sort out what we’re doing with the house and stuff. My head is in bits. I just wish I knew what she wanted. I’m meeting up with her this weekend to discuss things. Of which I’m not sure. Any advice on what kind of approach I should take would be very much appreciated.
I felt like this was my own story unfolding.
My girlfriend and I were together for 5 years – I moved 1,300 miles for her, supported her through her misunderstood career change to a police officer (and through police academy), and eventually battled my mind everyday – trying to ignore our failing relationship.
As two women in a relationship, I feel such a loss for not only my partner but my best friend.
It has been a whirlwind to say the least (separating our dogs, moving out, learning the hard way she’s now out having fun) but I know deep in my mind that our ending is preparing me for another world that will open.
Yes I am going through the same thing with my ex partner. I just try to take one day at a time and I’m hoping that eventually things work get better for me.
The mornings are the worst. Waking up to the house and bedroom where we spent 9 years together. I broke up with him because he was always traveling for work, and i felt lonely whenever he was away. Now that i kicked him out of the house, i feel even lonelier! How does one cope with those morning blues, when you don’t feel like getting up but just ruminating the loss?
I feel the same way, the mornings are the worst, waking up and realizing he is not with me anymore. Its so hard sometimes.
This will sound strange, but trust me:
Move the furniture. Change the positions of pictures on the walls and change where all the furniture is. Paint the color of the room differently if possible.
You’ll be surprised how well this re-sets the female brain to “Um, who was this dude again?”
Thank you a lot Becky, Im really feeling loonely, sad and depress.
I broke up with my boyfriend, we lived together for four years.
And the truth we arent happy anymore, I was willing to do whatever it takes
if I have the chance to be with him again, but suddenly I read ….
“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together.” ~Unknown
So, I change my mind, its better to suffer the whole process now, that in six months be in this situation again.
thank you for sharing your wisdom, you change my life in a good way.
Jessica,
I don’t know if this you or not. There are a lot of similarities to the woman I dated named Jessica, in your posts: four years, Christmas, birthdays, small footprint, timing, and being unhappy at the end. (Projection?) This is over a year since your post and I doubt anyone will ever read this. And again this probably isn’t even the same girl. But I need to write this.
I still love you. It’s crazy, given how things slowly fell apart. You know what I’m talking about. But I hate that I wasn’t man enough to forgive you and take a long hard look in the mirror, I needed to. When you wrote that email last week saying “you blame yourself” for most of it, that wasn’t fair to you. It was my fault. I have some many issues that you didn’t deserve to deal with. When that lady in Door County said you were to good for me she was right. It hurts so much that you don’t want to talk to me anymore though. Through everything we always still talked. The loneliness is unbearable.
I figured out when I saw you in May, and said you loved me and gave me the strongest hug you ever have, that you were saying goodbye. I had guessed you met someone. I hoped not when you emailed those times this summer, but I had placed myself in a difficult situation because I’m still an emotional wreck and tried to walk
away. Its so been hard and lonely. I see you everywhere. The worst part is hate
myself and I really believe people are better off without me in their lives. I’ve felt age in a shoulder injury that will always be there, regret in wasted opportunity, and heartache in the knowledge I missed the best opportunity in a life with you. I do take comfort in the fact that you’ve probably found someone better suited to give you what you deserve. Still, everyday without you hurts as much as it ever did.
The email I received form you last week was cold, and I would guess that you’re happily moving on, so I wont email you again out of respect for your happiness.
This letter could go on forever, I miss you so much.
Thank you for being a part of my life, if only for a short time.
Love,
Charles
Hi Charles, im not your Jessica. Sorry, but I wish my bf love like you love that other Jessica. Im really sorry for your situation, really sucks loving somebody and realizing that person doesnt love you back. Ill hope you get better someday. I wish you the best.
Thank you. x
thank you for this, i needed to hear this. I was with my boyfriend for 7 years and loved him more than anything and i always will. but, towards the end I wasn’t completely happy with the way things were going. we split up, I tried to win him back a month later, but he was too upset and said we would never get back together again. i’m now on the journey that so many people go through, finding my way through life alone now. it’s so hard, but I know I can do it. we all can.
Great Post.. Thank you!
I have reread this article many times. Lately, it seems I am have fallen into the darkest hole and I cannot escape. After a 20 year relationship, I have finally connected with someone until I realized he was not ready for a relationship. On top of that, I feel my friends are all taking the next steps in life while I feel as if I am treading water. It seems nothing brings me joy. I sit at a table that is set only to not have anything to serve. I feel as if I am ready to be done with life.
I can understand where you’re coming from. It does feel sometimes like there is nothing left to live for and like everyone has what you don’t. I am struggling with a similar situation. But please know that no matter what happens, the pain and loneliness will eventually subside and you will slowly feel stronger and more hopeful.
I know it rips at every aspect of your heart. My first partner died, it took me years to get past that.. but now many years later, I somehow did. And even more oddly enough I did meet someone else, granted he does not want me at this time in his life as he too is getting over a previous relationship. But the real shocking part… I was able to fall again and never realized it. I would have sworn on a stack of bibles this was NOT possible. I know that treading water feeling. Mine is being in a lake near a dock and I can’t swim and I can barely get my mouth to the surface, and there is not a sole around to take my hand. I see your post was 5 months ago. I hope you are better.
I love this! Just broke up with the one who I thought was the “one” without getting any closure. I have been battling my emotional ups and downs since the break up. I’m past the initial shock and on to feelin disappointed in my ex and his actions. I’ve finally learned that I need to better myself, be happy and satisfied emotionally, socially and professionally before getting into another serious relationship. Good luck to all.
Thank you Becky. Small hours here also, lonelyness and alcohol and escapism. I needed your piece of simple wisdom although in my heart i already knew it to be truthfull. Sometimes reading someone elses thoughts can clarify a lot. 🙂
I really enjoyed this. Recently I have felt a drawn out emotional epiphany of sorts. They aren’t there to be controlled or ‘stopped’. They are there for a damn good reason. To be experienced. Because you need to. Cheers for the article.
It’s been a couple of months now. Had some searingly awful times. Every now and then, though, I have a good hopeful day. But then I get this flashback: it’s as if he’s only just that minute left me. “It can’t be real, it can’t be happening!” That is such a horrible feeling. I recognise it’s me trying not to get over him, trying to still feel his presence in my life, even if that presence is just pain.
I have decided to believe that I will get over this, and find someone new. And I don’t want to make the same mistakes again, but if I do, I’ll learn anew.
I broke up with my boyfriend of 8 years, 4 years ago. But it was so hard. I was lonely. And I was weak. I said I couldn’t handle the pain and that must mean I love him and we should be together… So I went back, and had someone to go to the movies with and have dinner with again. I had some close friends who were single and heartbroken.. they persisted and they did what they thought was right, which was to endure the loneliness. And it sucked for them. I must’ve made the right choice, I thought. My best friend had a horrible break up.. and she was a shell of her usual bubbly self for months. But, somehow, 6 months later, she got a new job and what felt like a fresh start, and she’d got her groove back. I envied her, she was so genuinely happy in her single life. And now she’s happily married too.
So, 3 years after I decided we had to get back together… we’re engaged. But, I never lost the doubts. Things never got better… infact, they got so, so much worse. They were good for about 1 month, the month after we got engaged and felt some hope for us… And now, 3 months before the wedding, I’ve just called it off…forever. And I’m ready, and stronger, and more determined to heal. Bring on the loneliness, I say.
Sarah, oh my. How are you doing now? I just broke it off with my boyfriend of 7 years, and I’m utterly devastated. Feeling ‘weak’ just like you were describing, feeling like maybe I’m making a huge mistake, but deep down I know that’s fear talking. I’m losing so much, i have moments where I feel like I literally can’t breathe. Your story is what I fear would happen to me if I went back…that even though I love him, it’s really never going to work and I need to deal with this now…or deal with something even worse later.
How has it been? My name’s Sarah, too. 🙂
Thank you for this, as I am also going through some emotions. I was in a relationship for a little more than a year and I love the girl dearly. Unfortunately our age difference has given us the contrary and we both feel sort of mistreated. Both feeling unappreciated we’re parting ways but she’s really upset with me. We’re living in the same apartment still but moving out soon. She walks past me and closes her door the entire time. And her being a musician, plays the music she once sang to me making it difficult for me to not break down. At work is when the feelings hit and I need to gasp for air but I think it’s getting better. Just being strong and focusing on so many things that I now have time for. Thanks for sharing your story
My boyfriend of nearly four years broke up with me Tuesday. We started dating at 17, i was his fiest love and he was mine. We were going through some rough times lately but I had NO idea this was coming at all. I didn’t know he felt this way, I wish I knew so we could have worked on things before it came to this point. I thought he was the one, I’m still in shock, I just want to hold him in my arms. When I asked him why we can’t work this out he said that “it felt like more of a routine than a relationship” and that I didn’t give him enough attention? Meanwhile I had NO idea he felt this way at all, and I was still 100% feeling our relationship and loving it and him.I tried to explain how I felt and that I can be whatever he needs and I had no idea he felt that way but he said “Its too late now”. I just wish I had a second chance, I wish we could rekindle that flame because I still think he’s the one, but he wants nothing to do with me now. Its so mind blowing how one second everything is fine and then my world was turned upside down. I have so much guilt and regret because he really was a great guy, its not like he cheated or was unstable or anything. sure we had our differences but we were such a strong couple and i never wanted us to end. I have never felt pain like this.
Hi! I just got dumped by my bf of 3 yrs yesterday and we also started dating when I was 17 and he 18. He moved to a different college recently and I really thought we could do it! He is also an amazing guy which is why I stayed but lately he has been distant. He is so focused on starting new at his university that he began to lose interest in trying to work things out with me. He confused me for months about his feelings for me and all of a sudden he dumps me. I couldn’t believe it but he stopped trying. I still love him very much even though he was acting like an insensitive jerk for months. I always saw the sweet, romantic guy I fell in love with but he’s changed so much and it’s hard for me to accept.
In the end I am confused and don’t know how to cope and go through this. He is doing fine and is not even in any emotional stress. He has lots of things to distract him while I’m here left with no true friends.
I know your comment was written a while ago and hope that you are doing better now. After a couple of months have you recovered and moved on? How did you do it?
Hi, I wasnt Ok for a very long time, I spending a lot of time trying to do things just to keep me functional, I cried a lot everywhere. The ugly truth: he was boring of me. But now, all is in the past. Just do a lot of positive stuff, smoking, drinking and spend your days in your couch only make everything worst. Dont waste your time in destroy your life, prove that person what you worth.
I know EXACTLY how you feel.
My boyfriend and I dated for 2 years, and he is the love of my life. We just had our two year anniversary and I couldn’t have been happier. Then he tells me one night of all of these doubts he’s having, and he doesn’t see a future for us. Very similar to your situation of your boyfriend saying it felt more like a routine, mine said it felt more like a friendship. Yet he was speaking of marriage just 6 months ago.
I am absolutely heartbroken.
I know you wrote this 6 months ago, have things gotten better?
-manda
Second chances that’s what I asked from my Ex, its been 10 months now and I still fell pang of pain every now and then when I remember him. He’s doing fine now with his new 4 months and counting relationship, and me, lost not wanting any relationship with a man. Scared to love again
Thank you. I still feel so broken, I still love the man I thought I’d spend my life with. He met someone 15 years younger than him just weeks after splitting up, forgot about the 6 years we gave each other and never looked back. 8 months on, 1 breakdown and buckets of tears later, the pain only gets more intense, I lost my entire ‘family’. I will refer back to your post for inspiration. Xx
My girlfriend which I was with over a year broke up with me a month ago… I’m devastated. She was my first love and it hurts so much. I feel so lonely. I know she is happy right now but I’m not and that just makes me sad… It sucks so bad. I know I can find another woman but she will be different and the life I had with my ex was just perfect until she stopped loving me… At first , the first week was the most painful. After I felt good and determined but now after a month I feel lonely and I need constant affection from someone.
I’m struggling with not having somebody to hold and talk to. I spent a long time with my ex-wife and then a couple of years with a new partner, I’ve hardly been alone in 12 years and I’m finding it so damn hard.
I think I defined who I was by being with somebody else and looking after them and now I have forgotten who I am, if I ever knew. I’m 36 and I fear being alone and I worry I’ll never met somebody new. 😔
It’s been just over a month now since I moved out on my own and started my own life. We were together 12yrs and I went from living with my parents to with her. Never done it by myself and my ex did everything. It’s extremely tough but when you have no choice but to adapt and survive, I just take one day at a time a do what feels right. The loneliness is my worst problem and even though I can talk better to my ex than before I try not to. She has moved on and it hurts but I know I feel better in finding myself. Talking to friends and a professional is helping me feel im in the right direction.
How do women just switch off their feelings? I spent 2 and a quarter years with a woman who in space of 5 days went from “your the beat thing in my life” to “I don’t love you anymore” . I keep finding myself scrutinising everything that I do and my minds on overdrive 24/7. Can’t stop thinking about why has this happened? What has done this and how can I get through this.
God, I feel exactly what you are saying. Same thing here: she tells me she loves me one day, and the next day she is with someone else. I am so confused and shatered.
I’ve found it’s usually the unfaithful ones and ones that put in the least amount of effort to have a healthy relationship are the ones who can “move on” so quick. They didn’t invest so they didn’t lose as much. I am going through this with my ex boyfriend who I finally broke off all contact with a week ago. Literally found him with another girl taking her out and making out with her outside. Seeming more protective of her than me who was there for him for 4 years. Faithful and very good to him but broke up with him a year and half ago. He made healing hard as he wouldn’t let me go but also the wouldn’t change his selfish lying, cheating, and abusive physically, mentally, and emotional always. After already going through this with my parents especially my father growing up, this was too much. I knew it I ever wanted to heal or feel as close to “happy” or “content” I had to break those ties.
My ex still claims “he’ll always love me” blah blah and had the nerve to try to still use sex to get me back. He tried twice since I broke off all contact and surprise, surprise he hasn’t contacted me since and has probably already replaced me with another female. People like this are negligent and ignorant when it comes to the feelings of others. Because of how unfairhful he was and how much he lied, I know I can never ever date this guy again. I was able to accept that much after having all his shit stink to much to stand and pile too large to ignore. The anger deff has been helping me to move on but my biggest issue I feel now is trust. I don’t believe many people like me exist anymore who are genuine. Who love just to love. Not use and abuse. That guy was the one guy I dated, if you can even call it that. I realized I was on my own the whole time. He was never there for me emotionally and I was already coming out of my abusive house and toxic living situation. I am very tired. I am 23, just a month ago, beautiful inside and out (I could get another boyfriend of my choosing in an hour if I really wanted) but I fall in love with people minds first. I’ve learned to still allow myself to see people’s potentials, but fall in love with the person. My ex has the potential to be such an amazing man but chooses to be a f*ck boy. I know my worth, so I’ve stayed single still and pretty much abstinate.
I wonder often if I will stay single and be a loner for the rest of my life.
Your words are my words. However it was my boyfriend of 2yrs and we had just moved into a house together. Men switch off too, and just can’t deal with it so they don’t talk and package everything up and move on to the next thing.
My mind continues to search for understanding and comprehension. I know I must let go of that; it will never happen. There is no reason. I must learn to accept, let go, and move on.
I had the same problem, she was the love of my life. I honestly don’t know where I went wrong. I tried to communicate with her as to what went wrong but her reply was that she just wasn’t feeling me anymore while two days ago she couldn’t stop telling me how much she loved me and how we were great together. I am crushed, it has been 3 months since our break up and I can’t seem to stop thinking about her.
Same thing here Adam – we got engaged 3 months ago …..I took her to Paris for the engagement since it was her favorite city and gave her a magical enagenement. We were working through some things – every couple does. She would tell me what a great man I was and how I made all her dreams come true …..she gave me these heart felt professions of her love for me every day and I knew in my heart it was all true. And then we have an argument right before she went on a work trip which also took her home to her parents. She comes back and broke it off saying I was dismissive and blamed me for eveything.this after terms all I had done for r his relationship – moved to wherrors she wanted to be, driving 3 hours every day for work, giving up my workouts (one of true passions to live a healthy balances life) because I had no time I’m my day, spending all our vacations at her folks because I knew she missed her parents and family, not going to the movies in 2.25 years because that wasnt her thing……asking for nothing in return other than forher to take care of her health and finances. Both of those asks of mine were met with no real effort. And yet she blamed me for being dismissive of her. She won’t acknowledge any blame in this and when I pointed out the mixed messages she had no answer for a few days other than she was doing that as positive reinforcement……I’m like there were no conditions to the glowing tributes that she was giving me of how great a man I was to her. I asked her why she said yes to the engagement and she didn’t have an answer. She was the one that took me to the jeweller to give me ideas for the ring she wanted. I went out of my budget to get her the ring she wanted and now she hasn’t offered to give me the ring back yet. It’s been 3 weeks – I tore myself apart for hurting her and disappointing her blaming it all on me …..but there was nothing fatal here ..I was in counselling voluntarily to become a better person in a relationship for over 6 months …..we had not tried coupled counselling yet and when i suggested that she said I didn’t want it. I keep blaming myself and keep trying to negotiate ….she won’t stay home and won’t see me. She’s given me a month to move out but doesn’t want to see me ……we’re both In our early 40s and In feel like we owe it to ourselves to try couples counselling before throwing in the towel…..but she doesn’t want to listen ….I know it’s hard to switch off feelings so quickly and In keep trying to convince her. She’s done this before but come back after my pleading but this time we were engaged…….I don’t eat and I don’t sleep and I can’t believe how someone can shut off and throw everything off like this. We just got engaged and if she is scared of her past ….how is that fair to me? Feeling anxious, confused, frustrated and scared.
Needed this. Thank you. I loved her so much, now she is a blurry shape that I cannot reach out to anymore…
I have just stumbled across this amazing website recently. I have only just recently ended it with my partner. These articles are truly helping me deal with the stress of having to end a relationship not based on a loss of love but due to it being better for us to walk separate paths for a while. I would just like to say thank you so much for giving me something to read and something to interpret to help myself. 🙂
My girlfriend of two and a half years broke up with me today. We have been walking on egg shells for a few months now but just recently she opened up to me about something very personal. That she has never told anyone before. It showed signs of hope. That we were going to be ok. Things were great for a week and than it slowly went back to where it was. Awkward and unsure. I wanted to talk about it. Solve things in the relationship but it she didn’t want to talk. And when we did she was instantly mad that we were. Im sitting here typing this out wondering why this happened. It hurts so much to know how much effort I put into this relationship and it resulting in this. It hurts to feel alone and to wonder what I may have done wrong. I’m looking back and trying to see aspects of her that I just can’t stand or see myself living with. It helps a bit. But its also hard right now because when I look back I also think of the good times we had. The times that we were fine and showing love to each other. This sucks and its killing me sitting in my room by myself without her by my side.
Loneliness can be a very serious thing for many of us that are very weak minded. Where as Cancer kills Quick and fast which Loneliness is a very slow and painful death. Better to be alone than having Cancer, that is for sure.
Thank you. I just broke up with the first boyfriend I ever had. Like yours, it was new and exciting but for different reasons. Turned out he realized he wasn’t in love with me anymore before I realized the same for him. I still love him as a human being and as a friend. I want to be friends with him because he’s one of the few people in this world that can get and understand me. We definitely went about it too fast and aren’t the best match, but Becky is right. I need to embrace all the good we did have and realize that even though it’s over with him, the door is open for another guy to come into my life who will make me feel more joy and affection than he could ever give me. I just need to stop dwelling and get distracted while i wait for the first sentence in the next chapter of my life.
You are literally summing up my feelings with this post. But I am still in a relationship, but I feel like it’s not coming from both ways anymore. He loves me, but for me all the excitement is gone and I don’t feel that connected with him anymore in a lot of ways we are different. I’ve changed a lot over the years, he’s older than me, has more experience in life and I do not… And I struggle with that feeling that I want to discover the world alone on my own terms. I’m struggeling with trying to stay invested in the relationship and I’m really, really scared of breaking up. He’s still important to me. But I know that if we break-up, he’d want nothing to do with me anymore, because he has been certain from day one that I was the one and he didn’t have to look any further anymore and he’s made clear in the past that he could never be friends with the girl that he’s in love with.
Life takes crazy turns and I understand that now, it took me a while to really see that. Like you, we’d have the occasional happy holiday and we’d be on good terms for long times on end, but there isn’t much that we agree on and the discussions we have all lead to nothing. So usually we have no discussions and we are pretty quiet, I don’t know, the relationship we have feels dull. He refuses to change anything and to be really honest, I refuse to too, because I think in the end I’d be the one to make the big sacrifices, I’d have to move far away from family that I hold dearly to live with him. We’ve been together for almost 6 1/2 years and we still don’t live together, mainly has to do with me, not wanting to move where he lives and him not wanting to compromise. When I read my own post it’s like I already know my answer to what it is that I have to do next… But it’s so hard, I keep postponing, because it’s not like we are constantly fighting or on bad terms. But I also know, that settling for easy now, that will become harder with time, is not going to be the way to go. I’m not scared to be alone, by any means, I function the best when I am alone. But I’m scared for hurting him. Difficult.
You need to talk all of this out with him, I’m destroyed over what happened to me, which was very similar to your situation. I’m bitter and feel nothing because that is a very fixable situation if both people try. I heard all of the problems after she left me leaving me even more heartbroken that she didn’t try. Don’t let a good thing go easy because the things in life worth having don’t come easy. If it doesn’t work out at least you know you tried.
It was great reading it,just ended my year long relationship with a narcissist, was very abusive mentally. It’s just heartbreaking to think you cared for a person that doesn’t care of your feelings and they are just ok with you breaking it off. It makes you feel hopeless of finding true happiness at times or if there are any people who don’t play games, but this definitely uplifted my spirits.