“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos
Over the past ten years, I always had a man by my side. I was always in a relationship.
I was in a relationship for eight years before my ex and I got engaged, then broke it off because of the distance—my ex’s reason. Not long after that I got into a two-year relationship with a man who loved, yet cheated on me. It was a messy breakup.
So after ten years in relationships, I found myself alone.
I’m thirty-one and single!
Recently some questions have bounced around in mind: What happened to me during those years? What did I get, gain, achieve in these two relationships? Why am I now alone? What will I do? How do I do things by myself?
Now what? Where to start?
I started to panic, to hyperventilate—until I found this quote:
“Single is not a status. It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”
Yes, I am scared. I was so used to sharing everything. I was so used to having someone around.
But the reality is I am my own person, and if I can’t enjoy being single, how can I enjoy being with someone else?
So I started reading about being single, and interviewing other happy single people. Surely I wasn’t the only thirty-one-year-old person who felt uncertain about her new singleness. I needed to find proven ways to be happy as a single adult woman.
In my research, I learned some important truths about being single:
1. Being single gives you time to be by yourself, with yourself.
Finally, some me time. This is the time to reconnect with myself, a time where I can talk to myself, debating all the questions and answers that are bouncing in my head.
This is the time of reflection. This is the time of acceptance and letting go, which brings me to the second point…
2. If you don’t let go of the past, you will never appreciate the present.
Yes, I have fond memories of my exes, but that was in the past. I know I will always cherish those memories, but I need to stop clinging to them to live for today and plan for tomorrow.
Buddha said every day you are born again—that means new experiences and adventures for today!
3. It’s only after you have lost everything that you are free to find out what you were missing.
During those ten years, I lost love, a pregnancy, and my health. I truly believed I had lost everything. I can’t even start telling you how many tears I shed during those difficult times.
Now that I’m single, I have an opportunity to do all the things I put off while I was putting all my energy into my relationships. I have to believe that I will eventually have the things I lost, but for now I’m taking this time to enjoy myself and complete myself.
4. Change can sometimes be good.
Part of me feels afraid of this quick change. Adaptation takes time, yet I’m already thinking of all the possibilities—meeting new people, going to new places, tackling new projects.
Sometimes change is the best thing for us, as it opens us up to new activities and environments.
5. Being single does not have to mean being afraid to love.
My heart has been bashed, bruised, and broken. But I don’t feel traumatized, and I know I will love again. Hopefully the next someone will treasure and treat my heart with love and respect.
Staying open to love isn’t just about attracting a new relationship; it’s about being open to life.
6. Even if you’re single, you still have so much to appreciate.
“Being single is not the end of the world,” a friend said to me. She continued by saying, “There are other problems that are more depressing than being single—hunger and homelessness, for instance.”
This felt like a slap in the face to wake me up. It reminded me that even with a broken heart, I am still standing. I’m still breathing. There are still so many possibilities for me.
7. You’re not alone when you’re single; you still have family and good friends.
I am lucky to have a supportive mother and sister. They are my sanity—my light. Spending time with them relaxes me in a way. I’m also fortunate to have wonderfully good friends who are always there with open arms, ready to listen and support me.
I know for sure I can always share my happiness and sorrow with them. I can always depend on them without feeling the slightest bit of guilt. And now that I’m single, I have even more time to devote to being there for them.
8. Being single is a call to focus on yourself.
Sometimes being in a relationship can make you lazy about developing yourself. You can get so comfortable that your goals take a back seat.
When you’re single, it prompts you to look deep inside yourself and identify the person you really want to be—whether you’re in a relationship or not.
9. Something better will come your way if you’re open to it.
I found a lovely quote through twitter, “To see a rainbow, one has to pass a storm.”
When something bad happens, we tend to concentrate on the negatives, forgetting that there must be something positive hidden somewhere in the havoc.
You will know happiness in the future—and in the present, if you’re open to it.
10. Life is a balance. When there is darkness there will be light.
I believe that everything in life is a process. When something dramatic and fast hits us, it will take time to process it and start over.
I am starting over.
As a newbie in singlehood I still have a lot to learn, understand, and explore. I sometimes need to be reminded to be grateful for what I have.
As we all know, these words are easier said than practiced. So I hold onto one important idea that I’d like to leave you with:
Change comes from within. You alone have to decide if you want that change.
About C. De Lima
C. De Lima has a Master’s Degree in Art & is certified in Education Support. She is currently in Perth, WA, studying and developing a new art project.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
I am 31 and single at the moment too! But what if your best friend is your ex since you’ve been together for such a long time? How do you deal with not having that many friends to begin with, and losing your soulmate and your best friend at the same time? I find it hard to cope. I’m at a loss right now too. What should I do? I tried making new friends but it’s just no longer easy.
You just gotta keep trying. The only way to move forwards is to create new connections, new habits, it’s a huge paradigm shift.
Change, for all the fear it elicits, is a positive thing, a driving force. Channel the fear, let it drive you. Life goes on, you either take a back seat and feel like a victim, or take the wheel, and show the world you are strong.
yes, sometimes I feel like I can be this strong woman who can do pretty much whatever. But the thought of having no one to run to anymore makes me really sad inside! But thank you for the encouraging words..
Zel, I was in the exact same situation you are (only I’m 10 years older!). It’s really difficult when you don’t have a circle of friends to turn to. I was so lucky to have a trusted therapist, and I know not everyone can afford to see one (I couldn’t really either, but I worked it out) but I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. I would be happy to listen if you need someone to talk to. I know what it’s like to have to start over after a long relationship. I wish you the best. XO
Hi Alannah,
Thank you for the offer! Knowing I’m not alone and there are people out there just like me..and they are doing good gives me hope! Thank you for the kindness 🙂
I don’t think it’s ‘supposed’ to be easy, and I don’t know anyone it’s been easy for, except those that were not invested in the relationships in the first place. And I think many people experience the loss of a best friend when they break up with someone, and often find that the hardest bit – the one person who made them laugh that way, the one who understood that little quirk, the one who liked all the same things…. and so on. But there are millions of people in the world, and between them all, they will be able to do exactly those things for you. I myself have been single many times for years at a time, and this for me is the first time I’ve found it so hard making new friends – but it’s my geography, I live in an area where so many people are married and settled. So, who knows, perhaps I am meant to move? Or perhaps I am meant to use this time to get fitter in many ways – physically, emotionally, financially…. who knows. I just need to trust in my waivering moments, that this is my path for now, and try and make the best cake with the current ingredients. The world is our oyster – can learn a new instrument, language, skill…. all these things, and eventually, when we find our passion, then passion will arrive! Good luck! Keep going – as the wonderful film ‘The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel’ says “It will be alright in the end, and if it’s not alright, it’s not the end” – – – which means we’ve still got some colourful journey left – how lucky are we!
“It will be alright in the end, and if it’s not alright, it’s not the end” – I like this very much. I think I am a positive person generally, but when it comes to my ex I feel like I’m the most vulnerable and pessimistic person on earth. Let’s try to make the best out of life, shall we? 🙂
I am going through a similar situation now…and know how frustrating it can be. One day I feel normal and the next I can’t stop crying. I realize that a big part of this is due to the fact that I somehow isolated myself within the relationship and became somewhat dependent on my partner…emotionally. I did realize that this is something I can never do again because this tends to drive people away from you. Somehow your partner can sense your neediness and pulls away.
Yes, do learn to not be fully dependent emotionally on your partner. if it didnt work out (touchwood!) you will be somehow end up feeling like i do…so stay strong Sarah 🙂
I have been in a similar situation, having lost the friendship and support of someone I cared for a great deal (my best friend). I think the key to coping with feelings of “holy cow, what am I going to do without this person?!” is to ask oneself: what is it that my friend (or whomever it is that I lost and that I now miss) provided me? What was the need that was been met when they were around? Is it something that I can provide for myself?
I hope I’m explaining myself correctly. What I mean is that often, what we really miss is something that the person provided, and not necessarily the person themselves. I think that it’s okay to acknowledge that sometimes we seek what we think we need in others, when in fact we could start depending on ourselves a little more.
I’ve found that, once I identified the need that the person met, and if it is something that I can find in myself, I can rely on myself more and in turn start appreciating my friends for who they are and not what they do. I stopped expecting so much of the people around me and I found it easier to accept them as they are, too. I think that unmet expectations are one of the key issues when dealing with interpersonal relationships in general. Letting go feels nice!
Anyways, I found that thinking this way helped me cope with my loss, and I really hope it will help you too.
I wish you a happy end of week!
Hi Jules,
I have issues in letting go, so this really is not easy at all. I am learning each day to let go, but your comment has let me see things in a different view. Really appreciate it. Any tips in how to stop expecting so much from another person? I think this is why I am always disappointed. Thank you for the comment…have a good week 🙂
I would love to talk to you about this Jules as I really felt like your words were a great epiphany for me! Is there a way we could email to discuss this more? 🙂
best advice yet. I was feeling very sorry for myself but this has made me change my thinking. My expectation of others has been a source of much sadness and frustration – the expectation that others will fix things for you is a dangerous path to tread. I hope I will not be single forever but am starting today with a fresh outlook and a new optimism thanks to your posts.
Dear Zel. My heart goes out to you because I understand what you are going through – I have been there too. Unfortunately there is no easy way out. You can wallow as much as you want – it’s okay not to be okay, but then you have to find strength in yourself to stop, raise your chin, gain your self respect and start moving on step by step. If you open up, even just a bit, you would see all these new adventures passing in front of you, grab it! Find new activities out of your comfort zone and you will meet and befriend new people.
It takes time and a lot of effort. I too still get wobbly sometimes, specially when the past comes back to haunt me. What I do is close my eyes, breath in and out and remind myself I’m a strong woman who deserves much better and am entitled to be my own person. It does calm me down.
When I feel lonely, I remember my mother’s saying – “you are never alone, because I have you in my thoughts.” This helps put a smile back on my face. You are not alone.. look at all the post and comments here to support you! Chin up dear friend.
Remember, after the storm, you will see a rainbow! 🙂
Thank you. You made me cry and smile at the same time reading your reply. This is my first time admitting my feelings to the public, so I’m very grateful for the article and comments. I will try my best, and I hope everyone who had had their heart broken and feels alone just like I do will feel better if not now, eventually, coz I believe in that too!
I’m looking forward to the rainbow someday 🙂
In order to see the rainbow you have to ride out the storm.
#Believe in the power within
Let go and let God,pray hard my friend. Everything come to passed. Eventually you will go through this.Be strong.Believe in yourself.
Keep at it, trust me you will find happiness. Good things happen to good people. It can be intimidating but Its all about putting yourself out there and getting out of your comfort zone. Persistence is key. Learn to love yourself first. Learn to laugh like theres no tomorrow. Its all in self belief.
I felt this way too. But i ask myself “was he really your best friend?”
This is a great blog, thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom!! I saw this same thing happen to my mom….lead to true introspection, and improvements for her as well!! 🙂
Thanks for your insightful post. I am single after being married for 1/2 my life and finally realize that alone is not lonely! I never had the chance before to live for me and discover who I am and how great that is!
Whether I ever have another relationship or not is irrelevant because I finally love myself unconditionally and am happy with my own company.
Wishing you a lifetime of wondrous happy times whether you are single or coupled in the future.
Wise words! Having been single now myself for 15 yrs, I found the one for me: that is ME. As long as I can love myself 1st, then loving someone else becomes a bonus not a necessity.
“bonus not a necessity”
I will remember that.
Someday, someone will walk through your door and help you understand why all your previous relationships didn’t work out. Excellent article, in the rush to being in relationships, so often we loose who we are, the reason someone was attracted to us in the first place. Whether single or involved, always taking those moments to discover yourself will strengthen whatever it is you’re doing at that moment.
Awesome:)
“Someday, someone will walk through your door and help you understand why all your previous relationships didn’t work out.” – I really like this statement from you. Thank you so much! 🙂
For now, I’m enjoying my ‘singleness’ and opening in up to all the new opportunities that come my way.
“in the rush to being in relationships, so often we loose who we are, the reason someone was attracted to us in the first place”
Since the time I thought I had fallen in love again, I tried a lot to be myself and not to impress that person, because I will have to keep doing that my whole life and someday it will be a burden and everything will get destroyed. Being myself was one of the lessons I had learnt from my previous relationship, i.e. loving myself, because without it how could I love someone else? Solitude is very important, it lets you know yourself, so that you can accept yourself, and love yourself, find the inner peace.
The bigger challenge to being happily single is when “single” has been nearly your entire adult life, and facing towards your late forties instead of back at your late twenties. While not trying to play Top That, and I appreciate that you are experiencing and sharing where you are now, there is so much more to the single experience than a temporary blip between relationships. When that reality hits you strong and deep as it does for some of us not fortunate enough to find those relationships, that is when your time on the cushion becomes even more important.
Nanners, you may have said it better than me. I am what I call an “institutional” single. I’m 47 and never married. I have always wanted to experience a long term relationship and have done a great deal of work to unearth why. I was close in my mid-30’s and again two years ago when I reconnected with someone from college on Facebook. I think timing broke us apart. At my core, I don’t think it’s over.
But the truth is, for now, it is.
So I breathe a lot. I try to focus on getting through every day and taking my eyes off the future. I will say that the time alone, that of being single, has allowed me to self-examine my life on a level that most of my coupled friends will never know.I enjoy some moments alone. But I can also tell you that sometimes, it’s really lonely and I’ll say painful, especially when you see others connecting with someone. I know it’s just my ego. But regardless, that pain is real.
So again, I breathe. And I breathe again. It’s what I’ve got.
I completely understand. The pain IS real. And, it’s difficult because most people don’t understand. And, the last thing people want to do is hang around someone moping around feeling sorry from themselves. Now I do allot myself a little self pity party from time to time. But, I almost never discuss that empty feeling deep down in the pit of within that just wants to be loved. It’s too painful to talk about and it make better sense to “breath and try to focus on getting through every day.” And, I try, no matter how long I’ve been alone not to give up hope that one day I will feel that safe quiet closeness of a true love………….
Once you find the Greatest love wich is within you.that empty feeling deep down in the pit of within’ will go.i’am happy to have found that love . i must say the only thing i miss right now is Someone to have sex with lol.Cause i hate using toys.masturbation,porn and all that,1am too holy for those kind of stuff hehe x
I know this a very old post, but this “whole love yourself“ bit is nice, but that crap can go way to far. We are lhardwired to love and be loved irregardless of where we are at. We see ourselves through the eyes of others. It doesn’t mean we should chase or force anything. t’s very common for bachelors to feel a sense of emptiness inside them – and want more.
These individuals “love themself” plenty well, have friends, hobbies, blah, blah, and yet that feeling still remains. I believe this happens with maturity as well. That feeling is there because it’s telling them to go and love someone. Not themselves. It’s ridiculous to presume that being single is to be ‘celebrated’ or natural to a person who has never felt truly loved. That pain they get from time to time is real and just.
If we could all just ‘love ourselves’ why bother with relationships? Where would vulnerability come in that relationship? Passion? The need?
Very true. I am 28 and have been single my entire life, not even having had a dating relationship. Not for lack of trying, or lack of loving, but just unlucky. There have been 3 or 4 times something almost worked out, but didn’t. After so many years, there reaches a point where you realize “I’ve come this far, and I have had happy times, and I’ve been reasonably well overall, so I will obviously be okay” and you gain confidence from that. Knowing you don’t need any one particular person makes you more comfortable and caring.
Still, we are social creatures, and half of that social biology is dedicated to loving a mate. I have a lot of love to give, and it’s a profound aspect of being human. Sometimes being single just sucks, and in those times self-therapy helps about as much as thinking of a warm summer day in the middle of a bitterly cold winter. Embracing how bad it feels, experiencing and knowing your pain, and then watching as it eventually passes is what truly gives you strength. These emotions come and go, and I think truly knowing that prepares you to better love someone else, as any married person can tell you passions are not a constant.
I’ve actually celebrated being single for years. I found dating (in my early 40s) was just a lame, superficial process & maybe after a career spent around mostly men – I’d just had enough of them. I’d return from deployments & say – “The last thing I want to see right now is a dude. I just want to go shopping for cashmere, girly things, have spa days & bubble baths – and most importantly wine with my girlfriends.
I would be offended at anyone who asked why I wasn’t married – like it’s some kind of honor and am more offended that someone would compare being single to being homeless or one blissful day of marriage to the mythical prince charming. I was happy to have the bed to myself. I wasn’t looking, wasn’t wanting to be chained to another person the rest of my life. Once you establish YOU, love YOU, go at life like it’s a buffet & you want to taste (sometimes spitting out) as much as possible – your feelings of “aloneness” in single life outweigh that ache of being “lonely” or unappreciated in a relationship (or oppressed in a marriage). You are now free to try living in another country for a while & shift your realities if you really want to taste the world.
That said, after years of being unabashedly & blissfully single, he, the man I thought couldn’t
possibly exist so didn’t even bother looking, walked in out of the rain
and into my life. This was six months ago – we are both still happy
being “single” but also happy to have found each other to share what we
BOTH enjoy as life’s pleasures. Travel, wine, cooking included.
The point – you are so young (I was divorced at 33 & “found myself at 35”) and this new singleness is freedom – and begging you to experience everything in life you couldn’t do married! It’s a gift.
Thanks! Those are great words of encouragement!
Well I completely disagree there is absolutely nothing good about being single I am now divorced 2 years ago and I would rather still be married then be alone!
@Lance, you are a leecher. You would rather be married or have someone take care of you instead of facing the world by yourself. Epic failure. Keep your legs closed and stop overpopulating.
As a man looking for a Good Woman to settle down with, i certainly agree with you 100 Percent. Being Alone certainly sucks today.
are u still single and available?
Amen! People spoon feeding me this “single is the best” is making me gag. I hate being alone, though probably haven’t experienced it to a degree some people have here. But, there is hope.
I like your honesty.
i dissagree it sounds you had enough time to feel loved. this is why its easier for you to love yourself. most people who say love yourself first are people that have been loved first. i hate people like you who pretend to know how to deal with loneliness. i bet you was married for a long time. the problem i see with people is they really need to love others and stop loving only themselves. it makes you selfish. you love yourself simply due to the wonderful life you been handed from being loved. if youre loved for a long enough time eventually nothing negative will bother you. this is what most of you live by. you never knew what its like truly being alone in the absence of romance from a significant other.
Tony, you’re obviously afraid to be alone. Being single means not having to cater to anyone, no arguments…living life to its fullest.
all Tony is saying is that it is easier to be all ‘Being single means not having to cater to anyone, no arguments…living life to its fullest.’ if you have had options before and will have options later. If you have been single your whole life and have never had sex before or a date or a kiss you would like to experience those things eventually. It is easier to say all this advice about being single because you have seen the other side and know what it is like. You know you will probably have another partner again and can easily enjoy your ‘me’ time. A person with no options has anxiety about ‘me’ time never ending and it turns to isolation. Being in between relationships is different than being say a 45 year old childless unmarried virgin.
And you, fellow poster, nailed it. Thanks for passing by.
I’m starting to insist on this, people blogging about embracing singledom do not tend to:
– Confront the fact of how they deal with a sexless life (if it is at all? for me it mostly is and depends on luck)
– What about the realization that it’s the end of the game, 45yo woman single? Your chances are very low now.
One night stands satisfy my needs or the old hand does. I have a house, a nice car, and I pay for my vacations with cash instead of using credit cards. I mean, who the heck wants to wake up having to cater to someone else who bitches and moans all the time. Life is too short. I saw screw them then lose them…oh and I got my vasectomy at 22. I am enjoying a child-free life…kids are career killers.
Please…. When your old and childless with no attachments…lets see how happy being single you are…
Dipshit. I’m enjoying it and I just turned 40. I cab afford my own house, pay for my own trips with cash instead of credit. One night stands satisfy my needs as well.
*you’re. Get an education, cunt. Oh, and with the money that I will have saved up, I can hire someone to wipe my ass. Good luck in trying to make ends meet. HAHAHHAH
Tony,
There are good times and bad times in marriage and in singleness. Marriage is not the answer to all life’s problems. Been there for eight years. It can be bliss at times and a frustrating hell at others. It is nothing to give up on, however, when a person is dropped by another individual, it helps to try to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was served the papers. Basically being married is about two single people working together as a loving team, and trying to be selfless for the love of the other person. Putting aside self is constant work. It is worth it. When selfishness takes over,however, it ruins everything. In the end, and in reality, the two who make up a marriage are still separate beings with needs, and marriage is just a tool to meet the selfish emotional, mental, and physical needs of two people. Everyone is born alone and they die alone. Harsh fact
to reality- we are self centered beings with an unending self righteous, self centered perspective, and we cannot help ourselves in our sins and greed. Marriage is just a means to an end. Nothing lasts forever. For those forced into singleness, why not embrace the lives we are dealt? Forcing a relationship and marriage never ends well. Trust me.
Hi Tony ! I really need it to hear this ! I’m going to enjoy my single life ! Thanks !!
Sorry ,thank jing1eheimer!!
I needed that Tony…Today I decided to let go of a 3 year relationship. My partner was emotionally and verbally abusive. Just about everything that I did he found wrong in…and it was so easy for him to break up with me behind any little thing… I’ve been on a emotional roller the entire relationship. I don’t want to move on because I don’t want to keep starting over…but I believe in love and marriage and loyalty. ..I’m a good woman…I think that I just love too hard and give too much…Anyway…this is day one for me…Will keep you guys posted…
i feel you @lynette_green:disqus …hopefully those ppl who hurt us wont feel the same way they did on us…today i also decided to let go of my 11 yrs relationship..
Almost 11 years with a guy that treats me like garbage. I wish I could find the strength to leave for good. I wish I believed in me…
“Embrace single hood” ? We as humans have needs. Emotional needs is one of them. Nobody is truly happy being single we all want to be loved and give love…
Perhaps you had your emotional need fulfilled and loved, when your a lot older and childless and with no attachments it’s a different story…
Everyone is different but our fundamental need are the same.
“Nobody is truly happy being single”. Perhaps this may apply to you, but I don’t think you can speak for everyone. I totally agree that everyone wants to love and be loved. But the extent to how much an individual actually “needs” that in there life varies from person to person. There are people who truly enjoy the freedom that being single gives them, and they would not trade it to be in a relationship that ties them down. We are all different.
this is true although let’s be very clear…
MOST emotionally healthy people as they grow in age would rather having a loving companion / good relationship vs being single. Love is not just some ‘need’. It’s a connection between two people that often carries great meaning – is very powerful – and can be there even long after one party is gone…
I know this post is old but I’m going to respond anyway.
“In the end, and in reality, the two who make up a marriage are still separate beings with needs, and marriage is just a tool to meet the selfish emotional, mental, and physical needs of two people. Everyone is born alone and they die alone. Harsh fact”
Harsh fact? Wrong. And if even you do die alone, with real intimacy with another your not really alone. Besides dieing alone has nothing to do with the significance of relationships. At least the types of relationships that Inspire us. But you’ve clearly never experienced this.
And it’s not selfish, a real relationship is about sharing, and sharing something bigger than yourself.
With all due respect you have a narrow minded view on marriage/relationship.
Another married person, isn’t necessarily some thing who’s just ‘there’, who we mindlessly use to get our ‘needs’ met. People like you are dry, and uninspiring. Marriage is far more about ‘needs getting met’ You are over simplifying what a truly loving relationship is and means on a deeper level.
I know this is an old post, but I just want to say that, Tony, I totally understand. There is a huge difference between being single in between relationships and being single your whole adult life, perhaps without any sex or even human touch or affection. When people reply that romantic relationships/marriage can be hard too, it’s like telling a starving person that the burger they just ate was pretty bad quality and that they’re not missing out. I hope you’ve found happiness since this post Tony.
Thank you for this, you have no clue what your post did for me.
I agree!!!!
Hi @Valerie. I’m sorry to pry, but your post was 3 years ago. What is the status of your relationship now?
hopefully, i can feel the same way that you are feeling someday…im 30 years old and still couldn’t get over a guy even if he was a complete asshole to me..whatever the future will be, i wish i can be happy and content just like you..
Hit the wall eh? 😀
I appreciate this article so much – it’s really difficult to find anything where being single is discussed in a positive light. Before I met my ex-husband, I had accepted the fact that I would likely be single for the majority of my life (and thankfully I really love myself and am comfortable being alone). It was quite a shock to find someone to be with long-term, because I had never expected that to happen. When the relationship ended, it was quite a transition (to say the least) to go back to where I was so many years before. Of course, the relationship ending was a huge upheaval and completely turned my world upside-down, but I had to quickly find that place again within myself where I knew that I was okay, and nothing was lacking just because I wasn’t with somebody else.
The reaction of other people to the end of my relationship has been one of the strangest factors in my experience… it’s difficult to convince most people that it’s okay for someone to be alone, and that life doesn’t end and activities don’t stop. Honestly, most people act like I shouldn’t leave the house if I don’t have someone to go to events or eat out with! Thankfully I had an incredible therapist and a good sense of humour so I’m able to laugh most of those comments off, but I wish there were more positive examples that single people can and do thrive. I want to be that example for others as well as I am able!
Thank you so much for sharing a bit of your experience. I too work with an excellent counselor who has been extremely gentle and encouraging. It’s nice to talk to ‘someone’ out of your circle and see things from a different perspective. It encourage you to grow.
Good luck for your new adventure in life 🙂
As I read all the comments below, I feel like I got off a little easy. I am 22, and broke up with someone I thought I loved after a year of dating. ( I know….)
Ive never been through a divorce, and that’s why I believe I got off the hook quite easily.
As days fly by, I learn more and more everyday that I can make this life mine – that I can learn to do things on my own, without a relationship. Without the burden of a college relationship, I get more time to achieve these things! Make it a great day for YOU, that should be your priority!
I always read the tinybuddha’s, I love them they speak to me, its how I start my mornings, but this one in particular, really spoke to me today I am 11 months of being single, I got out of a 10 year relationship, and it wasn’t easy, like you I had the same questions about myself and what was I going to do now, I am 34 and single, it felt like the end of the world, today I am embracing it and enjoying all that life has to offer….I am not going to lie and say it wasn’t hard and some days still are, but I am now looking forward to the possibilities, thank you for sharing your life!
Thank you for taking the chance to look forward for the possibilities. Your comment is a positive feedback for me too. 🙂
I find zero solace in these words especially when I hit point 7. My friends are all married with several kids or gone. I don’t a relationship with my parents and any extended family is practically non existent.
Just a small note to say that in this life anyone can make new friends…all it takes is allowing yourself to be open to someone elses experiences..and to be a good listener..and lastly not to judge what is in front of you…we all have the freedom to choose the attitude we take no matter what we are faced with…and lastly never, nerver quit…there are many people in this world who do care…
Couldn’t agree more!
Being alone and not lonely is not what we are taught growing up (“you have to be a friend to have a friend” which can be total crap if you are naturally a nice person and have put up with toxic friendships)… but one thing that works for me is to realize that my own company can often be more reliable and enjoyable than being with just anyone who happens to cross my path. While it may seem lonely not to have many friends (there just aren’t that many opps to meet good people when you are out of school!) – and sometimes that makes for a lot of alone time. I am learning that it is better to be in my own supportive company than to hang out with abusers (especially if they are family or “friends”).
With the stats out today (49% of american adults are not married, 75% of Florida marriages end in divorce) – singles are becoming a majority in US society – yet mass media (movies, press, political circles) has not caught up to the fact that singledom is a natural state.
Hang in there – there are so many of us traveling alone through life and surviving. Being coupled and unhappy is IMHO the worst possible state. 🙂
Change has to come from you. Believe me when I say I know it’s scary and lonely. I went into depression, specially after my last relationship. I reached rock bottom until one day I said to myself enough. This is tiring and the past is the past. I got hurt but I’m still standing. I live in Perth, WA, but my family and best friends are in another country. I had to force myself to opened up and find new activities and experiences where I meet new people, some who are now my friends. 🙂
Hope floats my friend. Take things step by step and keep the optimism afloat.
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/transforming-negative-thoughts-creating-the-life-you-desire/
I am 42, I am single after 11 years of being married to my second husband. Before him I was fine being single but he said all the right things, “I want to take care of you.” That was the end of being single. Now I am wanting to take care of myself because after 11 long years I should have been taking care of myself and not everyone else. I am scared of the unknown but this article made me realize what I have known all along, In order to grow you have to change. And my part of that change is being single again and reconnecting with myself again. I am uncertain to where I am going but the possibilities are endless. And I want to check them all out!
I have enjoyed this article, comments and it helps to know I am not the only one.
If you need a quick pep talk on how be happily single without giving up on the possibility of companionship, just listen to “Lucky Number” by Lene Lovich and you’ll be back on your feet in three minutes flat. Trust me.
That is a great song 🙂
Being single only sucks when you perpetuate the delusion of defining yourself by your relationships.
True, people look down on it, but you can do so much when your single, workout, travel, have friends, have hobbies ,and don’t have to ask someone else for permission to do what you want, and you don’t have to put up with crap. You can focus on yourself, and not be tied down by what society thinks you should want.
Hi Bridgett. I feel that being in a relationship is about having a companion, not about asking permission. I support there’s a real difference between “Is it okay with you…” and “I’m signing up…, would you like to do that with me?”
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For small things yes, but not huge life decisions. I travel and work overseas and I usually stay one year in each location before I pack up and head to a new country. I worked four years in different schools in South Korea, then China, now I’m about to move to teach at a University in Tokyo. This summer I lived for a month in an Ashram in India getting a yoga teaching certification. After Japan, I’m going to move to Vancouver and return to school. If I was in a relationship, I wouldn’t be able to just take off so easily. I can hop on a plane and travel the world at the drop of a hat without needing to check if it’s suitable for my husband/partner…etc….Yes, there are couples that travel together, but it’s a lot harder for them because they have to wait until they can both find suitable jobs in the same place and often have to turn down jobs because of it (what I’ve witnessed first hand from couples who also live overseas)
You are absolutely right!! I got so many married friends envy me being a single.
I am going to be 60 this year and have will be single after 35 years of marriage…what motivated me to make this move (and by the way scared to death) was knowing I was living out of fear…not out of the real passion I feel in my heart..and if I continued to choose this path I would never feel what I know is possible..true love..a finding that partner to share all I have to offer…(only because I choose to want to be in a relationship) I have worked hard on loving myself and believing in myself, this did not come easy,I was a slow learner, but now although so very uncertain of my future (also changing countries) I look forward to the continued journey and take with me the knowledge of my past accomplishments, relationships and experiences that has brought me to my current moment…I choose my attitude in any given moment of joy, fear, frustration, anger, confusion, uncertainty…and the list goes on…but any emotional turmoil can be quelled by our own freedom to choose how we react..I choose optimism and joy…my best wishes for all our adventures to be full of just that ‘adventure and discovery’….
Thank you for sharing. I love that you choose optimism and joy. Sometimes I forget about those two and slump back to my ‘dark side’, but the knowledge that I’m not alone bounces me back.
It is such a wonderful feeling sharing my experience and getting positive feedback and supports from you. 🙂
All you mentioned is true! My circumstance is a little different being almost 31 and having one proper boyfriend in my early 20s, waiting for the right man all this time. I met a man who lives in canada like me! while taking a break in Australia. It wasn’t perfect but there was a great companionship. It’s much harder to feel secure about being single when I was hoping I finally found somebody after all this time…. Now I’m 31 and single again too!
Hi Andrea, I can relate to you. It does sound scary but if you open up bit by bit to the thought of living life as ‘ I ‘ and enjoying it, love will come and find you. 🙂
Hope floats 🙂
What a great blog… it’s exactly what I needed to read today (i know I’m commenting on an old post, but I feel compelled to do so).
After the breakup with my now ex… I had to learn how to stop with the “we” this and “we” that- and eventually that did stop and I am empowered by using “I”.
This almost feels like my story, it is good to hear others that are going through the same thing. I am close to 30 now and was in a relationship for just under 10 years than another one almost right after for close to 2 years that unfortunately ended due to a very complicated circumstance. However I am finally coming to realize that I should cherish my time now and get to know myself. I think I am going to take a break from relationships for a little while and get to know me better, I am in no rush to be attached again.
Thank you for your story!!
I strongly agree with you. I’m 29 too and had been in a few relationship but unlucky each time it’s just doesn’t work out. Maybe it’s not my fate yet. I believe in destiny.
Hey, it’s you again! 🙂
Frankly, gw juga dalam recovering process, I had the worst break up last year, dan yang selalu gw lakukan adalah one day at a time, breathe and go slowly. Hope you are doing well 🙂
I’m still standing so far – opening up to all the opportunities that come my way 🙂
Thanks ya untuk supportnya 🙂
Ok, I was expecting to read an article about actually being single. But really this is more of a how to survive between relationships. I have been single for 16 years and have chosen to be single. I love my life and am not looking for a partner to share it with. I have many loving friends, I am not alone. I love my life. I am really tired of people making “single” sound like a fate worse than death. I do not find being single a challenge. I do not find it negative. I am happy for you for finding a way to cope. Enjoy your life…single or not! It is an adventure!
“I have been single for 16 years and have chosen to be single” pepper that right on in so convincingly…You do not feel sexuality, loneliness or sadness….and you only pity those who do…..gosh you’re great…I’m lonely horny and usually cry about it when i’m feeling especially horny….I do not except this fate I’m just looking for some advice while I am single…according to you I’m in the right place
OMG, i also Cry when iam Horny lol otherwise, i’m not soo lonely.its just the Sex thing lol
I cry too when I’m horny! Totally. I love being single I just want to be felt up every now and then RESPONSIBLY. Anyone can be an idiot and get laid. I just get so annoyed with the standards of beauty we are held to. I have not waxed my…wait for it….neck, stomach, arms, legs, pits, tits, or crotch in years. Looking for a frisky friend that does not mind.
But I never want to be married and I want other WOMEN to stop judging me as selfish or perverted or horrible for being single. I would like kids though via adoption or with a gay couple. I have worked with kids my whole life and would like to show them the world and cook for them lol.
Get Prostitutes
good answer. Single is a way of life chosen by some. And I believe it is very liberating.
The only part that sucks for me about being single, is most of my friends are married or getting married,and don’t seem to have anymore time for you. While the very few single friends I have are boring and don’t want to do anything. Oh and sexless life really does suck too.
You sounds like me
Maybe Frost and Eagle can hook up and get some hormones out the system.
There is slot of sites to look at for sex. Just be smart and safe
Exactly, I enjoy my single life too, like no idea. Go out with friends, events, random trips.. free as the wind. However, all these blogs about being single AVOID the sex topic, or how they go and deal about it? Do they suffer it? Forget about it? Is it easy for them to find? Masturbating is not a long term solution nor comparable to being with somebody else, even if for a day a week (my .2 cents)
Prostitutes
That seems like the expensive way to go. If you got the money though…
It’s cheaper than a divorce!
Very true.
Mmmm but prostitutes lack something. Its not the same to pay someone vs having sex with someone who wants to have sex with you
doggy style its all the same brah
you can have a sexless and boring married life too! In general, I find single people live more adventurous lives…
I find the one thing that sucks about being single is that I might never know what it’s like to be in a relationship with someone else (my single friend shares this same line of thinking). If you’ve never dated or had a significant other, you’re always left wondering if you’re missing out on something. Other than that, I enjoy my single life.
YES! Finally, another understands. I have been this way my entire life. I have great friendships and I love my family, but I feel absolutely no need to date-chase, and I’ll almost certainly never marry. Singlehood is amazing. I get so much done and have so much control over my own life. I don’t begrudge others their romantic partnerships, mind, but I wouldn’t mind if people stopped giving me such a hard time for being single!
Perhaps not now… When you get to a point when all your friends are married and in relationships… Things change…
I have been single for all thirty one years of my existence. It gets depressing after a while even with family to spend time with. Especially seeing other people happily married, starting families, going out and having fun together. If I had a little bit of money to go out and have a little fun or travel, or I were fulfilled in my career or if I had a few friends to spend time with or something maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Unfortunately I don’t. Its work (one of those lonely night jobs by the way) and home for me. Which kind of means spending a lot of time in my puddle of self pity and depression. Hopefully this will change soon.
At least you’re honest about how most people are. I don’t buy it when someone shouts, “I love being single!” It’s almost as if to convince themselves.
I totally disagree. Being single works for plenty of people who are loving, caring, intelligent and creative. It’s just not for you. Many people never enjoy solitude or their own company, making being single an impossible choice. For those of us that do, being single is joyful. But you don’t have to believe me.
Sure, I agree that singlehood works for intelligent, creative and caring types. Lots of these types of people have time for volunteering, intellectual pursuits and creative hobbies/jobs but at the same time, too much time spent alone can be a bad thing. I’m single and quite comfortable being with myself. I enjoy my alone time but I also need social time with people. Getting enough socializing in your life can be hard if you’re a solitary person, have a small group of friends and your other friends have moved away/married/grown apart from you. Balance is key. I think there are pros and cons to being single, just as there are pros and cons to being in a relationship.
I don’t think all single people “convince themselves” they are happy single (although I am sure some do). I believe many are genuinely happy that way. Marriage and relationships are not for everyone.
I’ve yet to meet a half way mature person in my life, who would Choose to be single vs having a good relationship. Those in good relationships are just better. They shine bright like a diamond.
The exception are those who have already shared a deep love and connection with another.
For a person that is single with no children they can advance their career .work nights and class in the day. With no house to clean ,worry of a baby sitter ,or study time verses play with the kids
Relationships/marriage are heavily promoted because of patriarchy. Its the basis of it. Women tend to fare better without men and lately the longest living women say their secret to longevity is never marrying😁
Overall, it is true that women do fare better. But there are men who are happily single. I am a 30 year old, recently married man and although I love my wife without measure, marriage can be stressful. Sometimes, I do miss the freedom of the single life and being able to plan my life exactly the way I want it. One of the other reasons women fare better is because a single women is generally viewed more favorably by society than a single man, who is looked upon as odd. Some people cant seem to wrap there head around the fact that a man can be single and happy.
actually its the other way around. Also most men still need sex and often. If they dont look above average or have good money, they will not be happy single.
You really hate men don’t you. Who hurt you???
Absolute nonsense. Marriage DESTROYS MEN. Ever heard of ‘divorce rape’? 80% of divorces are instigated by women. Patriarchy my ass. NEVER MARRY. NEVER COHABIT. Patriarchy? Give me strength… 😀 😀 😀
I just turned 32 and 7 months into singlehood. I have also have spent the last 10 years with a man by my side, one who cheated on me after 5 years and one whom was emotionally abusive, whom I have a child with…..You are not alone in this journey!
Thanks so much for writing this article, it helped me to feel less alone and stronger in my quest to find happiness within myself first before coupling again.
this is really a gem, whether you’re not in a relationship or in one. i am a believer in and practitioner of incorporating separation within togetherness. i think solitude and enjoying that space for and of yourself, is important, and we should be mindful not to lose it when we’re with partners.
In the grand scheme of the latticework of life, there are each and every one of our INDIVIDUAL lives. If something is not working, we have the power to change. And while I believe everyone should be respectful and compassionate to all beings, it means nothing if we are not also respectful and compassionate of ourselves. We are all constantly in relationships of varying degrees… With our favorite teacher at school, our mail carrier, our family members, our friend’s from all stages of life and yes, our significant other/spouse/partner in crime (whatever moniker works for you) a romantic relationship is just part of a bigger picture. The one constant and most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves. This is something I’ve just begun to learn in the past 10 years and it is always a work in progress 🙂
By the way, I’ll be 40 in may and if I had a nickel for every person who’s asked “how come you’ve never been married?”, I’d be rich by now (or at least able to pay off graduate school! Haha)
“Single is not a status. It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”
What a great quote!! I personally love my singleness and see it as a gift to truly embrace and explore my passions. So often you stop being yourself in a relationship – losing your sense of individuality just so you may be a couple. My own personal mantra is “a relationship should not be a sacrifice of your spirits but a compromise of souls”.
So many people are in bad relationships because they are afraid of being “alone”. I’ve never quite understood that one?? And what can be worse is the search for their “soul-mate” who “completes you”. That one terrifies me in that if you cannot be happy and complete with yourself than there are deeper issues at hand.
I’m blessed with amazing friends (so grateful for that) who do not question my choice to be single – and YES it is a choice. This does not mean I have any less love in my heart as I find Nature as my constant companion.
Thank you for wonderful words. I love your mantra “a relationship should not be a sacrifice of your spirits but a compromise of souls” – very encouraging and positive. 🙂
You are absolutely right that by choosing singleness one does not lose love!
I love the quote “Single is not a status. It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.” I use it all the time. Makes me feel good about being single!!
I also do not understand those people who are in relationships because they are afraid of being alone. I would rather being single than with someone purely for that reason. Be strong and stand on your own two feet!
And yes, great friends make being single so much easier 🙂
xx
Single Aussie Girl
http://www.facebook.com/pages/A-Girls-Life-Single-Successful/185495658226712?ref=tn_tnmn
I became single after 17 years of marriage. Facing dating and trying to find someone new at 40 was not something I expected for my life…However, I have learned so much about myself in the last two years. For all of that, I am grateful.
Sometimes I think I want someone in my life…but I realize that I am still not ready. There is no room for “someone”. What I have said to others before, you have to be good with you, before you can be good with someone else.
You’re quote on there being so many more things worse than being single is spot on. I am not lonely, I am alone…and I will find someone to share my life when the time is right. If I choose a time before, I will certainly follow the same path as before.
The real goal is not to find someone else…it is to find yourself!!
xoxo
I truly agree – when we marry at a young age, we often mistakenly choose someone who is like a parent so that we can hopefully succeed with acceptance or otherwise get it right the second time. At least that’s what happened with me (a perfectionist father.)
I also believe that in western societies, women are taught to take care of others (I recall the Canadian Girl Scout Brownie law – A brownie is cheerful and obedient, a brownie always thinks of others before herself.) and men are taught to find someone to take care of them (the Scout law was “Be prepared”.) When we women “wake up” at midlife and see no one taking care of us (it should have been us!) we discover that everyone else is well but us.
Single or married or coupled or whatever is a choice, just the same as being happy or not.
Wishing you well!
I like what you have to say…
“Life is a balance. When there is darkness there will be light.”
I think its great that you are learning all of this now! I know it would be hard, but if you can find the GREAT things about being single, you will love it and yourself. If your looking for some inspiration, or just funny single stories, follow my blog! It’s what im dealing with every day 🙂
http://www.facebook.com/pages/A-Girls-Life-Single-Successful/185495658226712?ref=tn_tnmn
What a perfect article you’ve composed: brief, light, to the point, & most of all… inspiring. Thank you.
I loved this article, as it really resonated with me. I am also 31, I was in a relationship with someone for 8 years… And I have now been single for over two years. At the beginning I saw it as a temporary status before finding someone else, but the longer I am single, the longer I realise that it is a time that needs to be cherished in itself.
It frustrates me when people ask me why I am single, as if there was something wrong with me. The truth is that the reason why I am single is because right now, there is nobody else I would rather spend time with than myself.
I have done internet dating, I have looked for love when I wasn’t ready, and now I am just focusing on loving and enjoying my own company. And when I am ready, and I meet someone that makes my heart skip a beat, I will embrace it. But for now, I am still learning to love myself.
Thank you! Really love your comment! 🙂
Thanks … and I love this comment I read somewhere — “Simply because I choose to be single now, doesn’t mean I will be single forever.”
My biggest learning from being single these past 5 years is this:
My view of life as one long string of “either, or” is flawed — the right word is “and” … meaning, the belief that “EITHER I’m in a relationship/married now OR I’ll be single forever” is a lie – the truth is “I’m single now AND one day I may choose something different.” =D
There is no such thing as “lack” — there is only my heart’s desire. In this present moment, my heart’s desire is to be single. One day, my heart’s desire will change — and my life will change with it.
“My heart has been bashed, bruised and broken. But I don’t feel traumatized, and I know I will love again. Hopefully the next someone will treasure and treat my heart with love and respect. Staying open to love isn’t just about attracting a new relationship; it’s about being open to life.”
Does that mean: to have a wandering eye? Sort of like a relationship gypsy?
it means be open to all the positive opportunities that comes your way. 🙂
i do like your statement “relationship gypsy” – we humans always have relationships with others anyway – family, friends, peers, and/or colleagues. interesting hey?! 😀
I have survived a 4 years relationship and I have been single for two years now. At first, the change was really hard to accept. I have gone through a lot of pain with rejection and the worries of not going to feel better being single. But then I realized that being single have been the most awesome gift I have experienced. For almost 4 years in a relationship I realized that I lost who I want to be, I lost my personality, I lost my zest, I lost a lot of things about myself. I lost that one element why people love me and why I was so attractive before. And so, being single gave me time to heal myself and find it again. I traveled often, met random people, focused on the outdoors, ran marathons, loved my girlfriends, adapted guy bestfriends, focused on a lot of hobbies and just enjoyed everything. 🙂 It was awesome. I never thought that being single would be the best thing and now I don’t even want to give it up. I feel so independent and powerful, lively and happy. I feel so free. Free from hatred, free from pain, free from everything. My mind is just clear and happy. I realized that many people loves me and I don’t need to worry about it. Right now, I attract a lot of people who are interested in dating me, but I just keep it cool and slow..I still chose being single, I still wanted to feel more wonderful, more time I need to give to myself for the 4 years I have given to someone else.
Being single is the best thing that can happen to someone. It’s a time to heal and know yourself more. 🙂
I love your post! Thank you for the enlightenment! 🙂
a real beautiful piece of advice. lot of thanks for this.
Wow awesome that’s really give a peace of mind!!!
love this.
hopefully, ill be able to feel and share same advice to others. as right now im still half way to healing myself. thanks wonderful post
Being single is actually better, you can only be happy if you are single. You talk like being single is a negative thing.
I think you are a fabulous writer. When a writer stirs your emotions just by the placement and descriptive usage of words, you know they’re extremely talented. Much gratitude to you for your beautiful thoughts
Many thanks for the compliment. 🙂
wonderful blog! its scary and lonely at times but also exciting and every day i learn something new about me or how to improve myself.
welcome to the adventure and hopefully we find what we need before find who we want:)
I recently left a 3 and a half year relationship, and I’m finding my feet being single. I realised that being in that relationship, I had held back from being ME; I was the flexible one in the relationship, so we ended up doing things his way: the relationship only worked if/when I slotted into HIS life. And I found that too restrictive.
So I’m now taking time to enjoy being ME. To figure out the things that matter to me; to explore the world, go dancing with friends, run marathons, move abroad if I want to, dance around the kitchen, live alone for once! I would love to do those things *with* someone; but I chose not to stay in a relationship just for the sake of not being alone. It has to be some ONE, not just someone, if I am going to devote myself to them.
Thank you for this post; I needed a bit of encouragement – especially, somehow, as I was the one to break it up, and people therefore seem to be very keen to suggest that I should be FINE, being as it was MY DOING. Anyway. Thank you.
Hi Ana, thank you for sharing. Indeed enjoying ME time is such a wonderful feeling, not to forget it is also a learning process to know one self better too. 🙂
wow, this post sounds like me! It was very helpful to read, thank you. I was also the one to break it up after a 3 year commitment. I found him always choosing his friends over me, but for the sake of “not being alone” i would choose to stay. I thought i had no friends beside him and at some points i would even put myself down because of how he would treat me. I cried over him more than any other thing in life. I now see that i DO have a lot of friends and a very supportive family. I am still young (21) so i am considering myself very lucky for not staying with this guy any longer. I want to focus on being ME for a few years.
Excellent, as Kahlil Gibran said, “Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation”.
I really need these encouraging words right now. I am still in a relationship I guess, actually im not sure. I need someone to talk to in these dark days. I wanna get out from this heartache. But the stories here and comments are inspirational. Thank you.
Pour your heart out. We are here for you. 🙂
I’m in a long distance relationship. Everything was great then til my bf for 8 months brought me the news that he has problem with his small company. He has to shoulder all of this as he runs this alone. But our relationship gets affected. i give him my support and i never failed a day to let him know im here even im far. it pains me that i cant do anything for him and i can only get him thru sms now. But lately he is reasoning he has no strength to write message and busy with work. im hurt and i dont know why he lets the relationship get affected this much. Communication is all we have right now and we are almost losing it.Actually what holds me is that my relationship with him is worth saving but i dont when to stop when he is affecting me and it’s draining me. 🙁
I am happy & proud to be single
A few months ago when I realized I was 31 and single (for the first time in 10+ years!) I felt these same feelings… Now just a week away from being 32 I’m looking forward to it. 31-32-any age, can be a great time to be single!
I have recently seperated from my wife, her decision she doesnt love me anymore, I have lost my home, seeing my kids fulltime and a woman I adored.
but where do I go from here, single thirty miserable and sad. It just seems like my happiness is in the past, and im afraid of the future … any one have any wisdom. having a bad day today !
Thank you for the article and all the comments. Really reassuring. I am 31 and my 12 year relationship has just ended. I feel totally lost. I know that I can be happy again but I can’t imagine how I will ever get there. I am so scared of being alone as I am already very lonely. I don’t really have close friends to turn to and I don’t know how to cope. I’m still in the uncontrollable crying and hyperventilating stage! I guess just try to get through each day as it comes?
Hi Beth, i wish to help. I have some mp3s that a friend shared to me. these are mp3s about self love – the master of love by Don Miguel Ruiz. The words ”
I am so scared of being alone as I am already very lonely” called my attention for me to write a reply. A friend who shared the mp3s to me went through a rough 12 year marriage and he was listening to the mp3s of Master of Love during those tough periods of moving on. I am glad that he is sharing to me now the perspective of Toltecs about loving ourselves. There’s a book also to buy. I wish you find the peace within you. You are not alone.
5 months on and I have to thank you so much for your recommendation of The Master of Love! I bought the book immediately. Not only did it help me get through the initial pain but it has also pointed me towards a far more positive and satisfying way of living. Whilst I haven’t yet forgotten what went on in my relationship, I feel like I have forgiven him, or I am starting to at least. (Essentially he left me for another woman who he met whilst I was literally sitting next to him, then spent the last 2 months of our relationship telling me how he was falling for her. Ouch!) Anyway, it is water under the bridge. I am learning to fall in love with life again. I’m learning to fall in love with myself too. I’ve learnt that I DO have friends, GOOD friends. Some were always there but I didn’t see it, others are new. Brand new friendships are one of the most wonderful results of the ending of my relationship.
What else? I have realised that whilst I could well have been depressed for a long long time, it was born out of being in an unloving and unstimulating relationship. We were not right for each other. I knew it all along but did nothing and the knowledge was eating me up inside. The fear of being alone made me cling to something that was hurting us both and it nearly destroyed me. At some point I started to compromise on my dreams, on myself, in order to try and try to make him happy. Nobody would have known but me and it took me a couple of months to stop being cross with myself for allowing it to happen.
Now I feel full of hope for the future. I can go whereever I want to go and follow any path that I chose. There are no rules and life is an adventure. Everytime I’m scared of doing something I now relish it and embrace the feeling. Once again I feel alive!
My sort-of mantra that I have been living by is that every cloud has a silver lining if you make it so.
i’m only 19 but married before one year.i doesn’t like to live like this.my husband is totally different from me.he is my aunt’s son.my parents desided and force me to married him.we have not ask my opinion,ideas and plan for my life.he was so rude.he said me that i’m like a robot to him,i must do whatever he progromed.i made a small mistake ,i was scold like a prison by him.my parents not support me.now i’m not intrested to do nothing.my life is boring .i’m not concentrated in my studies.but i like to be a brilliant girl.i very much thrust of studies.i like to be myself.but i can’t do nothing above my family.i want to be a good professor.all things are forced to do to me by my family.my family, place,college,all are hardly depressing me.i need a help to relief and like to get a happy joyful life.pleace help me dear.
I was in a relationship for 15 years it was loving and kind but circumstances were that we had to split. I have been single for seven years and I hate it. Its lonely and isolating. I keep myself busy and do things to enjoy my life otherwise I would become bitter and depressed. However, intimate love makes life not just spiritual or a familial love….(how poor is English in its expression of love). We or certainly I and many others need a balance of all love. Considering my physical nature now I am unlikely to have that love again. It will always be a hole in my life that as my journey goes on I learn to accept.
I am at such a position where I think I have to make a solid decision of marrying or not. I have been in a relationship twice but when the thought of sharing everything after marriage comes to my mind, I really start feeling restless and start drifting away from the idea of marriage. Somehow, I think I am born to be single. At the same time, if I stay alone for too long, I start feeling lonely which is human nature. But for me, I think it’s choosing lesser of the two evils. Marrying, being unhappy & restless will not only make me sad but will also spoil my partner’s life who could’ve otherwise found a man who appreciates the art of sharing. I’ll try to pick up points from this article and apply to my life and hope I find happiness. Thanks for sharing!
This article really touch me in so many ways . I use to be just like you in form of being in a relationship. As my life progress i wish to find that perfect guy, but until then i will continue to enjoy my life being songle
I’ve been in long term relationships and single for years in between. I’m 40 and been divorced for a year and a half now. I’m really good and being single or in a relationship but I make the most progress becoming a better person while single. I think people are inately single or couple oriented and nothing wrong with either… If you are in a healthy couple. I prefer being a couple and feel our intimate relationships are why we are here on earth. But I’m not looking for it and my standards are so much higher now more in line with how I feel about myself that I will be surprised to meet someone . Occasional loneliness is just part of it… The same as wanting to be alone at times when you are partnered up. I’m happy to be single while excited to meet the man that will challenge me in all the right ways.
Excellent and uplifting article! Thanks for sharing. As my counselor would say, don’t just read-apply. Thanks again. And good luck.
I love the metaphors that one has to pass through the storm before they see the rainbow. Looking at and researching the deeper meanings of life,relationships,and including the most important relationship of all,the compassion for the self,is a very intelligent and positive way to move forward once a relationship has ended. Food for positive though is what is required,around this time,to gain security in insecurity. We are community people and we do need people around us, but to survive in a love that does not hurt,you need to ?now your self,and love yourself,so you know your boundaries,and so you can handle disappointments. I got 5 children ranging from 18 to twins who are 17 months. The removal truck is coming in the morning,as im going back home,1000klm away. Yes the relationship got resentful on both sides,and its not a life to walk on egg shells,even though we still love each other to bits. Got to let go,even when its painful,cause one needs to kwep compassionate to self and others,and if the relationship takes the core value from you,its time to reassess,!nd or seperate. Ive found in my life ive had 2 10 year relationships,one 5 yr one,and one 4 year one,that ive learnt about life,and self through loving,but at the expense of pain,and ive learnt much single,without the pain as being in a relationship. So now its time to get a grip on my self,and count on me,to pull me and my children through this difficult time,once i do,it will be easy being single. I will miss the great love making,but that energy will go into my own growth. Ive done a master degree single,and loved it: I’m 40 and I’ve found compassion for self,so i need to think of me not him,and love my self more now,he took almost my dignity,I thought he was the one,so you can imagine the shock,especially having little twins to him,but I wont stay,because i found love for me. Maybe i will start another course,or write that book. im glad i loved,but i know being single is going to be full of witnessing my own potential without the judgement or expectation of the other. Omshanty.
well done! my problems are gone My woman came back last night, i thought it’s a joke she came to say good bye to me ,then i waited ,suddenly i saw preparing food,bed and hide under branket, i couldn’t believe any thing i see, i decide to sleep at the gouge to see what happens next ,only see her come and slow her self on me start kissing and then i realize you are the true healer, its now 2 weeks since she came home ,but doc my sex life has gone down i don’t know why , i want to come and order for that medicine. i will phone you later today! i appreciate your services, be there for us please. thanks you to obadamtemple@gmail.com,
i wish all this people that feel this way , that made comments to this article , we could create a nice party ,get together , celebrate and become all good friends and enjoy life as it is.
i will certainly admit that i hate so much being single, and after being married for 15 years it hurts. i was a very caring and loving husband that was very committed to my wife, but it wasn’t good enough for her. many women nowadays just can’t stay with only one man anymore like they did years ago, and they were very committed too. today so many women just can’t accept a man for who he is, and want the rich man instead. where are the women like June Cleaver and Donna Reed today? many men like us do certainly wish that we could have women like that around again.
June Cleaver was a fictional character in a 1950’s television series, portrayed by actress Barbara Billingsley. She was not real. Donna Reed was an actress. Both women spoke lines prepared for them by male screenwriters. They seldom spoke or behaved publicly without the script close at hand. Is this Stepford depiction of women what you really want? You’re pathological and post hate screeds about our gender all over the internet under the names Truth, Absolutely, Absolutely Right, Too Right, and so on, so one could I guess imagine so. But here is the truth, “Truth”:
If you’re seriously looking for a 1950’s TV character to serve as the model for your future wife, you’re not in touch with reality, you are in a lot of emotional trouble, and you are going to cause some unsuspecting woman even more trouble someday.
Women could just as easily ask where the men are like Ward Cleaver and John Wayne, couldn’t they? After all, would Ward or John sit all day and night on the internet, typing homophobic essays filled with loathing for gay women and contempt and violence towards heterosexual women, then consider themselves “men”? Worth of women?
The answer to this is no. You know the rest of the answers.
Your soul needs healing.