Hey Confused:

You mean that being afraid to lose her, you lost yourself in the context of the relationship (never having communicated to her your dislikes and boundaries)?

🤔⛓️👃👀💤 Anita

Dear Robi:

I read only a part of your post and will reply by Mon morning. Sitting here, Sun afternoon, at the local taproom watching the Superbowl.

About notifications, as long as I am alive and conscious, I reply in a matter of hours every time 🙂

Anita

Dear Alessa:

Thank you 🙏 for your support and encouragement in regard to Bogart.

Indeed, he feels safe with me 🩵 🤍 🫂 🌿 ✨

Neither you nor me, Alessa, felt safe with our mothers 😔

I very much relate to what you shared in your 2 posts yesterday 🩵 🙏 🤍

The way you’re able to hold both truths- the real abuse you lived through and the small moments of care that existed alongside the abuse- shows a lot of strength and clarity. It took me ages to arrive at this clarity:

No parent is only abusive because human beings aren’t 2- dimensional monsters, like those depicted in cartoons. Even the most abusive parents have moments of softness, normalcy, or generosity. Those moments complicate the emotional healing for the abused because kind moments don’t cancel the harm- they just make the child confused.

Buying a child ice cream after a frightening outburst or a period of neglect (following a moment of parental warmth, a flash of guilt, or a brief attempt at normalcy) and then repeating the abuse again and again- this is not love- because love is consistent, predictable and safe.

Moments of kindness within a pattern of abuse- that’s Intermittent Kindness- which is part of the abuse cycle because it causes the abused confusion, guilt and difficulty emotionally separating from the parent in adulthood.

If a parent was cruel 100% of the time, it would be easier to leave, easier to hate, easier to heal.

When a child grows up in chaos, even tiny gestures — ice cream, a treat, a rare smile — become disproportionately meaningful. They become emotional lifelines. Those moments don’t mean the parent was safe. They mean the child was desperate for something to hold onto.

When the same mother who terrifies a child is also kind at times, the child thinks ‘Maybe she’s not that bad.’ ‘Maybe I’m the problem.’, Maybe if I behave better, I’ll get the good version of her.”- this is how a trauma bond forms, that is, the intense emotional attachment between a person and someone who is both a source of harm and a source of comfort.

Trauma bonds form because of intermittent reinforcement/ intermittent kindness. Unpredictable, infrequent positive rewards create the strongest attachment.

It’s powerful to see, Alessa, how you’re naming things that were never your fault, and giving your son the safety you didn’t get. The compassion you’re offering your younger self, and the awareness you have of your emotions now, really stand out. It takes strength to look at all of that like you do.

Your posts are proof (!) that you didn’t become her.

They show that you’re doing the opposite of her: you are reflecting, taking responsibility, and you’re parenting with intention.

You’re trying to understand and process your emotions instead of dumping them on your child (which is what my mother did: blaming me for her stress, accusing me of hurting her, etc.)

Thanks so much for everything that you are, Alessa 🤍

You are home. You’re safe and loved. 🫂

🤍 Anita

Hey, dear Confused:

You sent the above message exactly.. 20 minutes before I submit this message. Somewhere on the face of this earth 🌎 there is a Confused, going off to sleep 😴. To me, that’s special.

🤍😴💤 Anita

Dear Sonia:

I’d like to gently bring the focus of your thread back to you and your situation. This space is your home here — a place where you can return at any time to share, reflect, and receive support about the challenges you’re facing with your friend and with setting boundaries.

If you feel like adding more, updating, or exploring anything further, please know that this thread remains open for you. Your voice and your experience are at the center of it.

🤍 Anita

How are you, Nichole, 10 days since you posted last?

I am curious, Martha (Tess)- how 🤔 or why did it come about that you chose this thread (which was on page 5 of the list of topics before you brought it to page 1- 5 pages back), thinking I authored this thread when the original post closed with another member’s name, a member who deleted her account (hence “Anonymous”).

Can you explain this mystery for me?

🤔 Anita

Greetings to you, Tess. No, I didn’t host or start this thread. I only responded to it.

If you want to post in any one of the threads I started, click on my name in blue (anita), then click on “topics started” and choose any one of the threads listed, whichever carries a title that speaks to you.

🙂 Anita