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anitaParticipantI am about posting one of these posts tonight that I’d feel strange about in the morning. Maybe.
I’m listening to nostalgic Hebrew music while Bogart is lying comfortably on my lap and the laptop, the one of the two that survived Bogart, is in front of me. Only 2 sources of light in this Thurs night (computer in front of me and bathroom to my left).
This song I’m listening to is about the passage of years, about childhood- beautiful Israeli music: “got old suddenly”- yes, HOW DID IT HAPPEN?
“The paradise of childhood”- what paradise? Didn’t have that. My childhood totally skipped Paradise.
Thing is- these very days- gone is the Shame and the Guilt that burdened me for 6 decades. I’m having the childhood I never got to have- one free of shame and guilt.
And I mean, Shame and Guilt, big case letters.
Wow- the one who birthed me- so much Shame (she said: “You are a big Zero”)- “YOU ARE A BIG ZERO” was her message. And it registered loud and clear.
And she never retracted it, as in saying “I was wrong”. No, she never relaxed that “You’re a Zero” message.
And so, that is her legacy in my life. That and nothing else. U’re 1 Big Zero: the legacy of a “mother”.
Fast forward 6 decades, and I’m okay. My goodness, almost 10 pm here. Good night.
Anita
anitaParticipantGood night (morning, for you), Confused:
I never took Lexapro (the U.S. brand name of the SSRI you’re taking). It’s very popular here though, became a thing after my time. Side effects from my taking of SSRI (Zoloft, for most of the time)? Slept smoothly for 17 years. And IF I had good psychotherapy while taking it, it would have been just right.
From my experience, it’s about both: a chemical intervention+ psychotherapy.
Relaxing is so very.. important, Confused.. 🧘♀️ 🌿🌊 🌙 🍃 ☁️ 🫧 💤 Anita
anitaParticipantI am feeling Alone this Thursday evening. Been at the local taproom last evening, and none of the regulars were there (those who’ve been frequenting the place, like me, since 2017). It was boring. So, I wasn’t motivated to be there this evening (a visit there is not inexpensive).
And here, on tiny buddha- this evening, like all of today- extremely SLOW. Only one person, other than me, submitted a post, and following me inquiring about members who haven’t posted for a while, only one member responded, and a very short reply.
I just need a lot more social interaction, irl and here, on tb.
For more than 4 years, I was very busy in a local farm- winery 🍷, but the place has been sold in Dec 2025. Next, the taproom will be closed in April this year.
Got my first 🐕 Jan this year, and it’s wonderful having him, it’s just that I need more. I would like to work with, or volunteer to help people.
To interact with people in a positive way- that’s a thirst of mine.
🌙 👀 ✨️ Anita
anitaParticipantI am thrilled to read from you on this slow 🐌 Thursday evening. I’m glad 😊 you’re okay!
Lots of changes.. ?
anitaParticipantAnd it’d be exciting to read from you again, Frozenfireflies?
anitaParticipantHow are you, Lucidity?
anitaParticipantHey Miss L Dutchess:
18 threads in 2025 and none this year. I wish you’d start your 19th thread a day 1st this year. How are you?
anitaParticipantStill not forgotten, Laven. How are you?
anitaParticipantPeter, Oct 5, 2016: “It seems to me that our experience of ourselves that makes those changes (assuming we don’t identify our sense of selves with our thoughts, ideas, goals) changes vey little”-
I am curious, Peter, if this quote makes sense to you today same way it did 9 years and 5 months ago?
I was going to share about my recent experience of change before I noticed what you wrote in parenthesis, right above.
There, in parenthesis, makes my intent of sharing my experience of change feel out of place simply because I do identify with my (changed and changing) recent thoughts.
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantHey 👋 Confused:
Yes, I do pay attention to n I numbers and anniversaries.
Is “not pressuring myself” same as relaxing?
Feelings as a treat, what an interesting way to put it. I hope you reward yourself every day.
The image of Confused thawing came to mind.
🧊 💧 💧 Anita
anitaParticipantHello Peter:
I believe this is your very first thread in tiny buddha and what you brought up here, about nine and a half years ago, feels relevant to me at this time.
I feel that I really am changing these very days. I don’t think that anyone can change completely, as in being a totally new, or different person (the brain cannot be removed and a new one inserted into an empty skull, ha-..ha?)
But we can change.
I would like to continue this train of thought later).
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantGood morning, Confused:
Today, March 1️⃣9️⃣, is the 3-month anniversary of you joining this thread (Dec 1️⃣9️⃣, 2025), filling 1️⃣9️⃣ pages of posts (if you click on your screen name, you’ll see that)
Interestingly, Ada, with whom you felt much in common, posted on March 1️⃣9️⃣, 20222
Looking back at your first post, what strikes me most this morning is how trying to force feelings to return doesn’t work. You wrote back then about “…constant rumination for my feelings…” → Rumination is a form of self‑pressure — repeatedly checking, analyzing, and trying to force feelings to appear.
Here’s what Copilot (AI) says on the topic: “When someone suddenly goes numb and panics about losing their feelings, they usually start trying to feel again. They check constantly, analyze everything, and pressure themselves to ‘love properly.’
“But emotional systems don’t respond well to pressure — they tighten, freeze, or shut down even more. That’s why forcing feelings never works.
“What does help is when the person eventually… stops pushing so hard. The moment the inner pressure eases, the emotional system can breathe again. It relaxes. And in that softer space, feelings often begin to return naturally — not because the person ‘tried harder,’ but because they finally stopped trying to control something that can only unfold on its own.
🌿 ✨ 🤍 🙂 🌙 🌱 💫 🌾 🌼 🌬️ 💛 🌟 🕊️ 🌸 🔆 🍃 💭 🌻 ☀️ (19 emojis), Anita
anitaParticipantHey 👋 Confused:
That you feel better and more hopeful for the future, and that you’ve had some good/ warm feelings today- that makes my evening!
It’s okay if these feelings weaken, that’s okay. It’s natural for feelings to fluctuate. They’re like liquid. Nothing solid. That’s their nature.
The “guilt, fear, anxiety” she identified- yes, I see that.
You’re doing well, Confused- following up with her and with the psychiatrist.
One day, one night, one hour at a time: be patient and open for good things/ healing things happening.
👋✨️🌙 Anita
anitaParticipantThis story made me smile, Peter, even though I am also partly hearing the war news of the day.
Thank you. Thomas, for inviting me to analyze. But better I give my heavy analyzing habit a break.
Talking about mirrors 🪞🪞, I prefer not to look at one. I often feel like a child or an adolescent. I don’t want the mirror to tell me otherwise. How dare it??? 😤 (unexpected anger.. at the mirror).
😤 🪞 👵 👶 👀 🪞 Anita
anitaParticipantGood afternoon, Confused:
I am glad that the new therapist seems nice and understanding, and that you keep taking the medication (and are in regular contact with the psychiatrist, right?).
I think that your plan or intent to “let” your feelings come back and no longer “chase” intense infatuation is healthy 🙂
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