Whatever comes to mind this Friday night (8:25 🌙 pm here)-

I am not the zero or the “big zero” she (my mother) said I was.

And for mother having said so, she had given away her mother-card. She invalidated her position as mother.

She is not Mother. I never had a mother.

And that’s the bitter truth, and the saying goodbye- goodbye to my wish for a mother in her,the the person who birthed me.

Goodbye stranger
.

Dear Alessa:

As I just looked at the message I sent last night (at 10 pm my time), it landed on me how heavy the message “you are a big zero”, or “one big zero” (Yes, it was the latter. She added “big” to the zero so to make it the.. biggest possible zero).

It registers now, how deeply hurtful that message was. I mean, it cut ✂️ deep, so very deep. Naturally, I dissociated from that depth of injury. So now, it feels almost new.

I remember it like it was yesterday, her saying those words (message repeated, not just one time, far from being one time).

I can’t imagine saying those words/ sending that message to anyone.

No wonder I grew “in” with a terribly low self-esteem and not thinking of myself as anything of any positive value.

Last night, I read about an Iranial missile hitting the town where I lived, where she still lives alone. I wasn’t happy or pleased about the hit, but I wasn’t any more devastated than if it hit elsewhere

I think it’s only last night that I further separated from her emotionally, as in no longer being tied to her in what is called “trauma bonding. When the person you need to protect you (a mother) is also the one who hurts you..

The more she hurt me, the more.. I needed her to protect me, hence the draw/ the continuation of a bond way beyond its normal expiration date (teenage/ early adult).

I didn’t understand this before- not on a lived-experience level: that the more she hurt me, the more I was tied to her for protection.

Thank you for your kind words regarding the bond between me and Bogart. I love it that he feels safe with me, that he expects safety. No trauma bond.

Good to read the update in regard to your cat 🐈 and the adjustments everyone is making.

Yes, unfortunately, your brother may have been a target of projection 😔

Yes, you did your best to protect your brother, every day, day 💙 after day and night after night 🌙 That counts!

You were a good sister, you did your very best 👌

Yes, indeed, this is a wild area. For years, I’ve been walking 🚶‍♀️ the 4.5 km loop around here, knowing (and sometime seeing coyotes and bears from a short distance) that mountain lions 🦁 are to my right or left, closr, but I figured that they have plenty of 🐇 🐇 and 🦌 🦌 to chase after, so they’re not likely to go after me. Now I walk with Bogart and therefore. I have nothing to worry about 😉)

Thank you for your empathy 🙏 🤍 and 😇 kindness. Truly, you’re The TB Empathy Expert (TBEE)!

😇 🤍 🙏 🦌 🐇 🦁 👀 🐕 🐈 🤍 Anita