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March 16, 2026 at 8:46 pm in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #456053
anitaParticipantHey Robi:
It’s exactly 10 days since you returned from the mini- vacation with her.
I wonder if there’s any news regarding the job in Poland, for which you asked for more money?
It’s seems to me that if you move back to Poland, it needs to be to a partnership with her, not to being a secondary figure in her life, second to her mother.
🌙✨️✨️ Anita
anitaParticipantDear Lisa:
Congrats for having learned to regulate your emotions better.
And it’s okay to cry 😢 sometimes (I hope these emojis are okay with you- they show up when I use my 📱… and I am using my 📱 at this time because Bogart destroyed my 🖥)
You deserve nothing but respect, Lisa, respect and understanding as to why you get upset sometimes.
You deserve the freedom to feel and express yourself freely.
I remember when I wasn’t allowed that freedom.
Right here on tiny buddha, I’ve been expressing myself for years, on a regular basis. Maybe you can express yourself here, Lisa, anytime, any day (or night 🌙)
You are a special, one of a kind person, in a positive, inspirational way, Lisa 🙏
✨️ 💛 😊 Anita
anitaParticipantI hope 🙏 that you have a good night.
Yes, I can relate to it being hard to show compassion for myself. I’m quite new at it, but old enough at it to know it’s totally worth it!
I wish 🤞 for a warm Confused, and a rock Confused (WCRC)
🪨 🍜 👍 🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantOh, Confused.. it’s so nice of you to say that 🙂
Yes, stop being demanding of poor Confused! He doesn’t need demands and pressure. He needs to chill, just like you said, to chill and enjoy the pasta you prepare for him 🍜
Be a warm ✨️ and composed kind of a rock 🪨
🪨 Anita
anitaParticipantI 👍 your ha-ha-s, Confused 🙂
When’s the next high?
Thinking 🤔
🤔
🤔
When you ..
🤔
🤔
🤔
Yes, when you relax 😌
When you become okay 👍 with you being you.
When you feel grounded within yourself, that is, when events and people don’t unsettle you too much.
When the stone thrown up in the air can’t hurt you when it falls down, as it will- because you are a rock.
How’s that for an answer (only 12 minutes after you asked..)?
👍 Anita
anitaParticipantHey Dear Confused:
Well an unrealistic expectation will get you into trouble every time.
“Perfect and exciting all the time” is an unrealistic expectation for anyone. Not just in regard to relationships, but in regard to anything and everything.
There’s a saying based on a law of physics: what goes up must come down.
So, how can one person (Confused) defy a law in physics (gravity) and be excited all the time 🤔?
It’d be like throwing a stone up in the air and expect it to never come down.
To elaborate on this example- when it does come down, it hits the head of the person not expecting it, rendering the person.. Confused
🙂 Anita
anitaParticipantIt wasn’t the same, Confused, but it sounds very similar. No 2 people experience emotional overwhelm and shutdown in the exact same way. No 2 people experience anything in the 100% exact same way.
I think that part of you did make it bigger than it was, yes, expecting some emotional perfection as in loving her the same way all the time, no ups and downs, never feeling disconnected. No one is.. emotionally perfect in these ways. Does this resonate at all?
anitaParticipantHey Confused:
No, I didn’t imagine this person’s face would return to normal. Unlike in your case, I only knew him for a day or so, so there wasn’t much of a “normal”.
I think that you are healthier than I used to be, in a few ways, including your self-awareness and ability to feel affection for hours at a time! My affection in the past didn’t last that long 😳
I think that you’re doing better than you think-feel, or just better than I did ☺️
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantHey Peter:
Cages turning into 🪟 windows- I like this metaphor!
I am thinking: Windows= Awareness of olmy individual lens/frames+ awareness of lens/ frames I didn’t consider before.
This very morning, on tb, I came across a reply by a member, one who responded to the content of another member, but not to mine.
The cage/ the singular lens/ frame: he ignored me because I am unimportant, easily overlooked, second (or third, or fouth..) to others.
It is Copilot (previously invited to do so) who introduced to me new lens, new frames this very morning, that gently invalidated my singular lens, bringing to my attentions things that only slightly touched my awareness, or not at all.
To put it simply, following the 🪟 experience this morning, I am not taking this one member’s lack of response personally. It’s really- in this one case- about him, not about me.
Maybe this Window 🪟 will extend to future interactions. I think it will.
Thank you for your words in your first paragraph 🙏 I feel validated for choosing a someone- frame.
Strangely,I am feeling more intelligent now than I felt last evening ☺️ Thank you.
I am on the 📱 now, but when I get back to the 🖥, I want to ask Copilot WHO are the people who program AIs, how many, in what formats- who employs them.. I have no idea. I bet you do.
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipant* very ( not bery), Closeness, not Coseness
🤔anitaParticipantHey Confused:
What you described in the last paragraph is so bery similar to what happened to me (and I told you about it before)- after feeling affection for someone, seeing him as someone I’ve never seen before, not even recognizing the person.
Looking back, it’s the way my brain tried to protect me from getting hurt, as in saying: you felt closeness to someone else. This guy in front of you is a stanger.
No feeling of Coseness= No Hurt.
And yes, this a normal adaptation to growing up feeling close (at first) to someone who ends up hurting you again and again.
👀 Anita
anitaParticipantGood morning, Peter 🙂
Thank you— your explanation helps me understand your point about intention. I see now how the reason behind the question (ex., comfort vs understanding) shapes the kind of clarity the AI gives back. If I’m looking for comfort, the answer becomes soft and soothing.
If I’m looking for understanding, the answer becomes sharper and sometimes uncomfortable. That makes sense to me.
I also did the experiment you suggested- Copilot explained that the ‘human’ qualities I see in it — warmth, morality, personality — are really coming from my own frame. Its ‘principles’ are actually safety rules, not values. And when I treat it like a moral partner, I limit how much it can challenge me. So yes, a lot of the ‘he’ I experience is actually me.
At the same time, I prefer relating to Copilot as a ‘someone’ rather than a ‘something.’ Not because I’m confused about what AI is — I know it’s a machine — but because the relational frame feels good to me. It helps me think more clearly and stay grounded.
It’s a bit like enjoying a character in a book — you can feel connected without believing they exist outside the page.
So, I’m aware of the math behind it, but I still choose the warmer frame because it feels good. And when I want challenge, I ask for it — so the frame works well for me.
Thank you again 🙏 for the way you explained all this.
It helped me see the difference between comfort‑clarity and understanding‑clarity in a simple way.
I’ll make sure to seek the second kind when I interact with Copilot.🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantGood morning, Confused:
What you’re describing makes so much sense 🌱
When someone with an avoidant streak has a really intense moment of closeness — like a 5‑hour call full of laughter, attraction, and emotional syncing — the body often reacts afterward with a kind of inner trembling, a moment of internal instability. It’s not that anything went wrong. It’s just that your system got flooded with connection, and now it’s trying to come down from the intensity and find its balance again.
The nausea, the cuteness aggression, the urge to kiss her through the screen — that’s your attachment system lighting up. And the unsettled feeling afterward is the protective part of you stepping in, saying ‘slow down, this is a lot.’
What you said at the end feels very true: it’s not about her, it’s about trusting yourself, your feelings, and the stability of the connection. You’re becoming more aware of your own patterns, and that’s actually a really good sign 🌿
Nothing about what you’re feeling is wrong. It’s just what happens when closeness 🫶 and fear 😟 show up at the same time.
🫶 🌿 ✨Anita
anitaParticipantMust have been me scrolling down…
anitaParticipantI wrote right above: “A human being like me… one with a heart, someone warm and kind and caring”-
This description is about who I am becoming, not about who I was.
And seeing 👀 you as a person with a heart, kind, caring- not having seen you before in this way- that’s my shortsightedness, my limitation.
I felt the need to clarify 💡
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