Hello again, Confused:

“I feel like a really bad person and a fraud..”- These two words describe EXACTLY how I felt for way, way too long. It’s not a good feeling, to say the least.

“Right now my romantic feelings are ‘off’ for anyone.”- Accept it that they’re off. Let them be off. Trying to pressure them into an “on” will only serve to keep them off longer.

“I think what returned first is the lust, love might take a while.”- lust is more physical/ less emotional than love.

“I felt ‘pressured’.. I can’t really tell if I have legitimately fallen out of love or I am still numb in that department. I hope it’s the latter”- Allow yourself the freedom and privilege to feel whatever you’re feeling. Feelings don’t react well to being judged! you are allowed to fall out of love, really! You are allowed to go numb. Let yourself be 🙂

“You are very spot on with all the things that you said. This is indeed how I grew up and calmness equaled distance between my parents (because if they weren’t fighting each other, they were calm, which meant either distant or that a fight would break out soon, even with me)”- The Quiet before the Storm.

“I did learn subconsciously that chaos/intensity=feelings, possibly love even and at times within my relationships I’ve felt like I crave some light ‘drama’ to feel ‘alive'”- when depressed, a jolt of drama/ excitement is refreshing, a break from the monotony of depression.

“I definitely crave intense feelings, infatuation and novelty. I feel like my life is meaningless without them and I am depressed (like now).”- A depressed person definitely crave for a break, for something different, something opposite (JOY)

“I think I am drawn to fixing others.”- so that they will fix you in return?

“I think I didn’t care about fixing my mother, but I was the one she was leaning on while confessing her issues with my father, relationship things and dislikes, to which I would only respond ‘just break up’ because that was the only thing making sense to me at the age of 11.”- Role Reversal: the kid trying to help/ fix/ support the parent.

“She was like that to me too, but since I am a male, I would fight back and things would escalate pretty badly, especially after my body started developing and I was able to overpower her.”- My goodness, this would be traumatic for any child, male or female.

“My mother also had Tourette syndrome, what a coincidence! I also dreamt of being loved and finding romance, since I was a pretty shy kid with no experience in girls until the age of 20.”- did she have lots of motor tics? Vocal tics?

I was shy too.. Still am in some ways.

“I would commit illegal activities… Maybe I was searching for dopamine hits or a place to belong to.”- A depressed person needs a break, well, repeating breaks, excitement. I relate!

“Yeah she had* (she passed 10 years ago). It’s a hell of a coincidence that those things align! The details were there for me too, sadly. I don’t blame them though, no one knows how to be a parent when u are at it for the first time in your life.”-

But, Confused, what if their aim was not to parent.. but to.. nothing more than to relieve themselves from their own distress using what was in front of them: their children, those dependent on them, those not protected by anyone..?

Anita

Dear James / Everyone:

I really appreciated Alessa’s comment: “Do I think James means badly? No. He is just James.”
I feel the same. From everything I’ve seen, James’s intentions have consistently been good, and his way of expressing things has actually been increasingly helpful to me.

Looking back at James’s posts since July 18, what stands out is how steady and kind his tone was for a long time. He responded with patience, empathy, and openness, and was often kind and supportive.

Since Sept 2, the discussions around his messages became more intense. Some of the responses to him were very strong, and in my view, a number of the criticisms were based on assumptions or interpretations that didn’t match what he was actually saying and they seem unfair or unfounded.

What I noticed is that James continued to respond calmly and kindly for a long time, even when the tone toward him became sharp and sharper. It wasn’t until October 5 that James sounded defensive (as far as I can tell), and given the amount of pressure he had been under, I can understand how that can happen. One moment of frustration doesn’t erase months of steady, well‑intentioned, and valuable communication.

I also want to acknowledge my own part. At times, I joined in the criticism. I’ve apologized for that, and this message is part of my effort to take responsibility and express things more clearly.

I hope this helps bring a bit more balance to how we look at the recent interactions. For me, James’s way of expressing things has value, even if it doesn’t resonate with everyone. And I think all of us are doing our best to communicate from where we are.

I intend to continue to quote James’s words every day (later today) and learn from them.

Thank you, James!

🤍🤍🤍 Anita

Sorry, Q, I confused you for a moment with another member. Well, if you would like a wife, I wish you one in the new year 🙂.

Thank you for your wishes! (I find myself smiling for the first time today 🙏 🌟)

Cheers back to you,

Anita

My goodness, Confused..? Your mother has Tourette Syndrome?

In the more than 10 years I’ve been in these forums, no one ever shared they (or their mothers) had Tourette’s.

And she confessed to you her issues with your father? So did my mother, in great detail!

Oh.. how FAR are some (too many) mothers from what mothers are supposed to be.

I so wish you’d be way, way less confused and consequently way less depressed.. or not at all.

I only read parts of your recent message of exactly.. 28 minutes ago. I will read all and reply Tues morning.

🤍 Anita

M E R R Y C H R I S T M A S, Peter,

A Christmas of not seeking, but of surrender; one of no grasping, no guarded view; one of being transparent to transcendence.
A Trusting the Light Within Christmas 🎄✨🎅 🎁❄️⭐🎉 🌟

🤍 Anita

Dear Bea:

The little voice inside me has been telling me these very days to let go of expectations and attachment to what could have been, but wasn’t, and to stop resting what-is, which I cannot change.

A lot of what you’re feeling seems tied to expectations — the future you expected with your partner, the parent you expected your mom to be, and even the version of yourself you expected to grow into. When those expectations don’t match reality, the gap between the two becomes its own kind of grief.

Sadness often comes from attachment: to certain outcomes, to certain people, to certain roles, and even to certain emotional states. We get attached not just to what we like, but also to what we dislike, because both shape our identity. In your case, sadness and anxiety became familiar, almost like a default setting you learned early on.

Letting go is about loosening the grip on the idea that things should have been a certain way. When you release the expectation that life, people, or relationships must match a specific picture, the emotional charge around them starts to fade. Detaching from likes and dislikes means (my little, big voice says 🙂), not letting them dictate your well-being.

Your sadness makes sense in the context of what you hoped for and what you held onto. As you step back from those expectations and see things as they are, not as they were supposed to be, the sadness has less to cling to.

So, I am sitting here this Mon evening, part of me wished I was elsewhere, socializing, thriving in real-life interactions. “Wished”, I say, because right now, this evening, I don’t wish to be anywhere else, I don’t hold a better option in my mind. I’m here. There’s peace in not wishing to be elsewhere, to not redo history.. to just rest in the here and now, just as it is.

🤍 Anita

Dear Alessa:

I imagine that by the time you read this message it’ll be one day before Christmas Eve.

I want to let you know that I consider two things you did for me as two 🎁🎁 you left under my (imagined) 🎄:

One is addressing me as “Dear Anita”, and the other is replacing red hearts emojis with blue and white.

I would like to place a gift under your Christmas tree: my sincere appreciation of your consistent empathy and kindness to me and to so many members over the years.

I wish you and the people you love a M E R R Y C H R I S T M A S ✨🎅❄️⭐🎉🌟🎀🎁✨🤶✨❄️

Anita