Dear Roberta:

I wish your father well. I shared recently that I have a desire to volunteer in a nursery home for old people facing end of life.

Problem solved in regard to listening to the video. I found a transcript.. well, not quite, the words don’t appear with spaces in between, so I had to form spaces in between letters so to form words.

“So this idea of knowing how to be present for things which are pleasant and unpleasant, pleasing and unpleasing, and have the mind have this spaciousness or stability or largeness that we’re not triggered easily, we’re not upset, we don’t get caught up in it and lost in the reactivity to it, is part of what patience is about, this khanti. So maybe there’s another word in English besides patience that would capture this better. I don’t know what that would be. Or we have to kind of learn the Buddhist word for meaning of patience.

“But in the context of wider Buddhism, and especially these things called the perfections, we have to also understand what gives rise to patience, what gives rise to this earth‑like ability to hold in beautiful way the life that we have, to hold in a beautiful way what is unpleasing, what is difficult. And that is to understand something about the Buddhist notion of wholesomeness. And the idea is that,
so I like to translate patience as, not by a single different word than patience, khanti, but rather to call it wholesome patience. And then maybe you get a sense of that maybe it could be beautiful if it’s wholesome. And so one of the functions of wisdom in Buddhism, and Buddhism is often seen as a wisdom tradition, is not to read an encyclopedia about Buddhist philosophy and then become wise,
but rather for you to take a deep look in yourself, to really not be present for yourself, to be able to see, feel, observe within yourself what feels healthy for you and what is unhealthy.

“What feels like it diminishes you and what kind of opens you, inspires you. To feel what nourishes you versus what denourishes you. To feel what gives you good energy and what drains it away. And all those ideas are kind of held within this concept of wholesomeness and unwholesomeness. Which I kind of like because it means part of the whole or not part of the whole. The unwholesome is what
takes us away from the whole.

“What whole? I don’t know. The whole of who you are, the whole of what this world is like, that we want to be in it in the whole, as it is, not partial, not selective, not with blinders on. And there’s something about clinging, resisting, assertiveness, conceit, something about even anxiety and fear sometimes, that become kind of like blinders. It’s kind of like we diminish ourselves. We’re cutting, it’s a selectivity process that takes us out of the whole. And so to return to the whole, to the whole experience of the present moment, the Buddha often talked about the whole body, being mindful of the whole body as we meditate, being mindful of the whole mind ,not the divided mind ,but them in… really getting to know for ourselves is how we use our awareness, how we use attention. The very thing that is the means by which we navigate through our world, the very medium, it’s kind of like if the medium for fish to get through their world is water, the medium for humans to get through our world is our awareness, our attention. Everything that we experience in the world goes through that filter.

“And so how are you aware? How are you attending to the world? How are you observing? How are you seeing it? And is that wholesome or unwholesome? Is it beautiful or is it not so beautiful how you see it?

“And so awareness itself sometimes, the way we attend to the world, can be full of greed, can be full of hatred, can be full of delusion. It can be full of anxiety, restlessness. It can be filled with preoccupations and doubt. It can be filled with interpretations and bias through which we see the experience of the world. And so this focus on what is healthy and not healthy is not to interpret these things, but to feel what we’re doing and feel, oh, when I’m seeing the world through my hatred, this is unhealthy for me.
This doesn’t feel good. There’s tension here. There’s stress here. When I have seen the world through my greed, there’s tension here. It diminishes me. It takes me out of the whole.

“When I’ve caught up in my anxiety, you know, it’s hard with anxiety because anxiety is so concerned with what it’s anxious about that we don’t see the effect anxiety has on us. It just seems like it’s true. But if we turn all these ways, we turn the attention around 180 degrees to really look at the effect that our behavior has, the effect of how we’re relating to things, we can feel, wow, this is actually, no wonder I’m exhausted by the end of the day. I’m just constantly reacting against everything. I’m constantly afraid of everything and trying to establish my place. I’m constantly wanting something. And I’m constantly disappointed, constantly the world’s not living up to what I want it to be. And so we see that and say, is there another way? Is there a way that it’s not stressful? What’s the opposite of stress? Not just the absence of stress, but it’s some kind of wonderful vitality, wonderful, relaxed, open vitality in which we live our life.

“So the wisdom factor in Buddhism, the mindfulness practice in Buddhism, is here partly for us to be able to read ourselves well. That’s the encyclopedia we want to study. Don’t get the book. The book you want to read is your own heart. You want to have a very acute sensitivity to what goes on in your heart, in your mind, in your body, in your speech, so that it stops being unwholesome. It starts being wholesome. It stops being, I don’t know if I want to say ugly, but I just did. And instead we want it to be beautiful.

“Can we make it beautiful, what we do and how we live? Is that wise? Is that useful? Well, if what you want to do is get wealthy really fast, maybe not, so don’t bother. You can go now. But if you want freedom, if you want to not just be distressed and be calm, but to find
this higher capacity for living a life that’s beautiful, the qualities of heart and mind that come forth in you, are satisfying, deeply, deeply satisfying for you. You feel like, ah, I’m home. Because I know inside of me now, this feels good. We become our own friend.

“Our inner life is our friend. Ah, this is beautiful. This is nice. So wisdom begins helping us discern the difference between what’s healthy and not healthy for us, wholesome and not wholesome. And one of the things that teaches us then is where to put our energy, how to appl your energy. And so we have to make choices. And so as we have a better sense of what is wholesome and unwholesome, we can make wiser choices about where we take this wonderful human capacity of vitality that we have, energy we have, and use it to awaken a healthy kind of energy and kind of stop doing things which are a kind of energy that is exhausting, that’s agitating, that’s stressful, that’s exhausting for us. And it’s one of the great delight of Buddhist practice to start feeling this wonderful, engagement with the world, the things that we do, engagement with practice, that feels like it has a vitality and a liveness to it that feels good and
healthy.”-

There’s more, but I am done with separating letters to reveal words (exhausting). This will have to do. Will process the above tomorrow.

Anita

Dear Peter:

Peter, Oct 19, 2016: “What is this thing we call Love, and If we were to love ourselves unconditionally, what would it look like?… When we love others as ourselves, we say YES to who we and they are… for the most part we don’t really know how to love ourselves very well?”

Oct 27, 2016: “I have often found myself stuck in my stuckness… similar to being depressed about being depressed, stuck in a loop that kept feeding itself. Truth be told, there is a part of me that is comfortable with the familiarity of my stuckness as it can feel like a safe place to be.”

Nov 3, 2016: “I am reminded of a story of a sparrow trapped in an empty grain silo frontally seeking out each ray of light that appeared through various cracks in the wall only to find they were not big enough to get through. Defeated the sparrow lays exhausted on the floor failing to notice the dark tunnel that if traveled would take it under the wall and out of the silo.”

Nov 4, 2025: “The Lord’s Prayer, in its ancient rhythm, asks to be delivered from evil. But I’ve long felt that what it also asks is to be delivered from fear. For it is fear that distorts love, that clouds vision… Fear is the first contraction. Before there is violence, there is fear. Before there is judgment, there is fear. Before there is control, there is fear.”

Dec 11, 2025: “A ‘virgin birth’ was what happens whenever something new emerges without my effort, without my striving, without my fingerprints all over it. It’s the moment when I stop forcing and something unexpected, undeserved, and quietly luminous appears. It’s the wrapped gift under the tree, something I didn’t earn, didn’t orchestrate, didn’t even know to ask for.

“It’s the possibility that arrives unannounced, the insight that wasn’t wrestled into existence, the grace that shows up before I’ve proven myself worthy of it. It’s the way life keeps offering beginnings that don’t depend on my mastery, only on my openness.

“Even in my writing, I’ve noticed that when I stop trying to make things happen, thoughts come together on their own. Sometimes they surprise me. It feels like something new can arise without effort, a kind of inner ‘birth’ that happens when I’m not forcing anything. That’s helped me trust what’s already true in me.”.

Anita, Dec 11 (before reading the your recent post quoted above: “Shh… Peter: You are good! You’ve always been good! I KNOW it!… Still, the image of a boy (Peter) and a girl (Anita) and anyone running freely across a green field with us… Rest in being GOOD. A singular letter fewer than GOD, yet it makes all the difference.”

Back to your words above, “For the most part we don’t really know how to love ourselves…Truth be told, there is a part of me that is comfortable with the familiarity of my stuckness”-

My stuckness, for more than half a century, has been that prison I was in, a prison for people who are not allowed to love themselves (by their own sense of right and wrong) because how can a good person love a bad or a person unworthy of love?. (.. I was good-enough of a person to not love someone undeserving of love.. lol)

Non-duality does not replace or substitute the real need of a person- in real-life, as in the reality of being human- to be labeled “good” by one own self. So to deserve love, so to be offered loved by the self.

Thank you for your kind words in the first 2 paragraphs of your recent post.

May you and I embody love for ourselves and for each other as we happily run on green fields, unstuck, and may others join us

Anita

Hello Z:

I hear how confusing and painful this pattern has been for you. From what you describe, it sounds like a kind of trauma response. Sometimes when someone goes through a really intense emotional shock — like a breakup — the nervous system reacts by shutting down feelings as a way to protect itself. That’s why you suddenly felt numb, detached, or even repelled by him.

Psychologists often connect this to attachment styles. You mentioned being anxiously attached at first, but after the breakup it seems like your system shifted toward avoidant or even fearful‑avoidant attachment. That’s when closeness feels both desired and threatening at the same time. The “losing feelings overnight” part is like the brain’s way of saying: “This is too risky, better to disconnect.”

Childhood experiences can set the stage for this. For example: growing up with caregivers who were inconsistent — sometimes loving, sometimes rejecting, or if caregivers were controlling, unpredictable, or made you feel unsafe.

Children who had to manage big emotions alone often develop patterns of emotional numbing or dissociation later in life.

So what you’re going through is like your body and mind are stuck in a protective loop. The cycle of strong feelings → stress → shutdown is a common trauma‑related pattern.

Personally, I am very familiar with desiring closeness and being afraid of it at the same time, as well as with the numbing, dissociating and with the sudden “stranger overnight” shift: I remember not even recognizing a person- visually- following a particular dissociation episode. He appeared so much like a stranger that I didn’t even remember how he looked like before.

* Your body’s somatic symptoms (palpitations, crying, panic attacks) suggest that your nervous system was in hyperarousal (my nervous system hyperarousal expressed itself as tics), followed by collapse into hypoarousal (emotional flatness).

* The loss of enjoyment, social withdrawal, and heaviness sound like major depressive episodes (of which I was diagnosed with and suffered from for many years).

The good news is that these responses can change with time and intentional healing. These responses have changed for me. I don’t even remember the last time I was dissociated. My nervous system is still hyper aroused, unfortunately (Tourette tics and a tension inside), but I no longer suffer from major depression (a relief!).

What do you think of my input, Z?

🤍 Anita

… Another double posting, Peter, 10 min apart, didn’t read your most recent post before I submitted mine

Dear Roberta and Thomas:

I enjoy both of your senses of humor, brings a smile to my face!

Been busy here, in the forums all day, so didn’t get the time to listen to the audio/ video. Like Thomas though, it’s not just about time. It really is difficult for me to listen to an audio, particularly when someone speaks slowly and in a monotone (speaking fast and in a monotone is worse!), “makes me itchy pants” (Thomas’s words), ha-ha, don’t remember hearing it said just that way.

Be back to this thread later.

🙏 Anita

Dear Thomas:

Just wanted to comment in regard to “Sometimes I feel like an intruder when I read some of these posts. But, sometimes I will add my two cents anyway.’-

Please do add your two cents to any thread you wish to add it to. You are not an intruder. I would like you to feel at home here, in the forums.. and that’s my 2 cents 🙂

🤍 Anita

Hi Peter/ Everyone:

My best understanding is that evil in the context of Taoism = human actions that go against The Flow/ Tao.

Actions Going Against the Flow (the Tao):

1) Forcing outcomes- Examples: A manager micromanages every detail of a project, pushing employees to meet unrealistic deadlines. Instead of trusting the team’s rhythm, they force results, creating stress and burnout; one partner pressures the other to commit to marriage before they feel ready, creating tension and resistance; A thief breaks into a home to take possessions, forcing their will on others and disrupting peace; A parent insists their child must become a doctor, ignoring the child’s interests in art or music. This creates resistance and resentment.

2) Excessive striving- Examples: A student pulls all-nighters for weeks, cramming for exams, ignoring sleep and health. The imbalance leads to exhaustion and poor performance, despite the effort; A friend constantly tries to “fix” the relationship by overanalyzing every interaction, scheduling endless talks, and pushing for perfection, which drains both sides; A parent overschedules their child with endless lessons, sports, and tutoring, leaving no room for rest or play. The child feels pressured and exhausted.

3) Ignoring nature- Examples: A company clears forests recklessly for short-term profit; Illegal dumping of toxic waste into rivers, destroying ecosystems and communities for short-term gain; A parent disregards their child’s temperament (e.g., introverted vs. extroverted) and forces them into social situations that feel unnatural, causing stress.

4) Rigid moral judgments- Examples: Someone condemns a neighbor harshly for lifestyle choices (diet, clothing, beliefs), creating division instead of understanding. They cling to “right vs. wrong” without compassion; A parent harshly labels their child as “lazy” or “bad” for struggling in school, instead of recognizing different learning styles or challenges.

5) Artificial living- Example: A person buys luxury items they don’t need to impress other; A couple stays together only for appearances, pretending to be happy for social status, while hiding resentment and disconnection; Parents push their child to maintain appearances (perfect grades, perfect behavior) for social status, rather than nurturing authenticity and well-being.

🍃 Actions Going With the Flow (the Tao):

1) Wu Wei (Effortless Action)- Examples: A surfer rides the waves by adjusting to their natural rhythm instead of fighting them. They act skillfully but without force; Two friends enjoy each other’s company without planning or forcing activities — they simply let the day unfold naturally; A community volunteer helps distribute food to those in need, acting naturally and without seeking recognition; A parent notices their child loves drawing and naturally provides paper and crayons, supporting the interest without pressure.

2) Spontaneity- Examples: Friends go for a walk and stumble upon a street festival. Instead of sticking rigidly to their plan, they join in and enjoy the moment; A passerby sees someone struggling with heavy bags and instinctively offers to help, without planning or obligation; A parent joins their child in an impromptu backyard game, letting joy guide the moment instead of sticking to rigid schedules.

3) Simplicity- Examples: A family chooses to live in a small home, grow their own food, and avoid clutter; A couple chooses to spend quiet evenings cooking together instead of chasing extravagant outings, finding peace in shared simplicity; A neighbor shares homegrown vegetables with others, fostering connection through simple generosity.

4) Harmony with nature- Examples: A gardener plants according to the seasons, using compost and rainwater. They work with the cycles of nature rather than against them; A family spends time outdoors hiking or gardening together, strengthening bonds by aligning with natural rhythms; A group organizes a river clean-up, restoring balance to the environment and benefiting all.

5) Humility and openness- Examples: In a heated meeting, one person admits they don’t have all the answers and listens to others. This openness diffuses tension and leads to better collaboration; During an argument, one friend admits they may have misunderstood and listens openly, allowing reconciliation instead of escalation; A parent admits to their child, “I don’t know everything, but let’s learn together,” modeling openness and curiosity instead of authority and rigidity.

Key Takeaway- Against the Tao: appearances, control, ego, imbalance, judgment, pressure, resistance.

With the Tao: authenticity, balance, ease, flow, humility, support, trust.

Well, I am sold on Tao 😊

🤍 Anita