Hey Confused:

You made my Women’s Day Evening special when you wrote that what I said made you feel better (even if it’s for a short time only).

If you think of feelings like the weather, you had a long summer before Nov and then clouds gathered, ⛅️, sun hidden behind clouds, then 🌞 coming out from between the clouds (warm feelings), then sun disappear behind clouds, and repeat.

It’s just how the weather/ emotions happen. No eternal summer (that would lead to drought and death).

That she told you that she likes you just the way you are- that’s special. I like her for having said that.

Try to relax about how you feel at any one time, it’s just the dance of ⛅️ (aversion) and 🌞 (warm feelings). No big deal unless you make it a big deal.

I know how highly you think of her, and I understand why. But regardless, you don’t owe her or anyone to feel this or that. What you feel is your business. It’s in your right to feel-or-not-to feel at any one time.

There’s freedom in acknowledging this right, this freedom. Is there, for you?

🌞 ⛅️ 🤍 Anita

Hey 👋 Confused:

Thank you for wishing me a happy women’s day 😊

Yes, I do think it all makes sense. The “yeah, but” is part of what makes sense.

I am glad that you felt happy with her earlier today, and for having warm-loving feelings for an hour or so. And I am not surprised you “switched to distance” afterwards.

Seems to me, and I am not an expert, that it will be like this for some time, and if you expect it to be over for good (feeling nothing but love from here on), that expectation will get in your way.

What if you accept it to continue as it is for who knows how long, so you can relax and not get alarmed and re-alarmed every time you find yourself distant from her?

I am sure many loving couples experience this but accept it, no harm done. By no harm done, I mean, they keep being loving to each other (like sending flowers foe Women’s Day 😊 ) regardless of what they feel or don’t feel at any particular time.

How you feel (warm feelings or distance)- that’s your business, really. You don’t OWE anyone to feel anything.

The love for her is not gone. I can tell by what you shared over time. No requirement that you feel it at any one time, or endlessly, as in “And they lived happily ever after”- that’s fairytale stuff.

✨️🤍✨️ Anita

Dear Robi:

Thank you for the update, especially for typing it out while low on energy.

It feels like spring here too, although raining. The 🌞 is out right now and it feels nice!

Reading your update I feel way more positive about the future of your relationship than I felt before ( generally, I tend to be pessimistic, need to work on that).

Feels like it was an honest exchange. So, is she herself troubled in regard to her close/ too close relationship with her mother (beyond how it affects you)?

Interesting how your body reacts to emotional stress and how you feel trapped upon return to Romania- your parents and then.. adapt.

Had no idea it’s Women’s Day. Well, 😊 women day to me and to all women in the world! (I’ll 🍷 for it later).

🤍 Anita

Good Sunday Morning, Confused:

Confused, thank you for explaining all of that so clearly last night. I think that I understand things better this morning 🙂

What you described last night makes a lot of sense — not in a ‘something is wrong with you’ way, but in a very human, very understandable way.

It sounds like you were caught between two strong needs at the same time:

1. The need for closeness (to be together with her)

2. The need for safety and space (to be alone, away from the overwhelming intensity)

When someone has a strong fear of abandonment, closeness becomes a double‑edged sword: they want it deeply, but they also fear losing it, and they fear messing it up. This creates internal pressure (not pressure from the partner). That pressure becomes overwhelming. And when overwhelm hits, the body says: ‘I need distance to feel safe.’ Not distance from her as a person. Distance from the emotional intensity.

And because you were afraid that expressing your needs might make her leave, you kept everything inside. That kind of internal pressure can absolutely lead to the “gut reaction,” the shutdown, the numbness, the loss of words — all of it. It’s a protective response, not a conscious choice.

What you’re calling “confusion” is actually your system trying to protect you from both abandonment and overwhelm at the same time. Anyone with those fears would feel exactly what you felt.

And the way you describe it — the dreams, the emotional battery dropping, the feeling of wanting everyone far away but not wanting her to leave — that’s not you being broken. That’s you being overwhelmed and scared of losing someone important.

You’re making sense. Your reactions make sense. And the fact that you can reflect on it this clearly says a lot about your self‑awareness.

🤍Anita

Good morning, Confused:

* I wrote the following before I noticed your new post

In my reply yesterday, I think I focused on something that’s not relevant to you (?) I went back in the thread looking for Hailey’s post. I found it on page 3, Sept 8, 2021. That was her only post in tiny buddha.

Hailey shared about her fear (the big-case letters are my doing for emphasis): “I was in FEAR of getting caught to my fam because I was SCARED that they might try to separate me from my bf… They THREATENED me to break up with him”

She shared about her anger and emotional distress: “I CRIED A LOT and I was so MAD at them.”.

Next, following ongoing fear, anger and emotional distress (an overwhelmed nervous system), there came the mental and emotional shutdown: “I woke up next day feeling such an EMPTINESS IN MY MIND MY BRAIN. I COULDN’T EVEN FEEL ANYTHING for my bf… FEELING NUMB”

* The emotional shutdown is not permanent: “Some nights I STILL FEEL that I LOVE HIM but then that feeling again gets VANISHED and I’m depressed. It feels like I’m on an emotional rollercoaster.”

Confused, you wrote yesterday: “I found similarities on the fear and the ‘feelings vanishing after appearing for a little bit’ thing.”-

Emotional shutdown is often not permanent: it’s more like a switch that flips back and forth depending on emotional safety. The person still cares, but the fear is louder than the love. When they feel calmer or safer, the love resurfaces. When they feel threatened again, the fear takes over and the love goes quiet.
This creates the “on‑off” feeling.

When someone is overloaded, the brain protects itself by numbing emotions. When the overwhelm fades, the numbness lifts — and the feelings return.

Emotional shutdown is not a choice — it’s a protective reflex. It’s the brain saying: ‘This is too much. I need to turn off for a while.’ That’s why the feelings return when the person feels calmer or more regulated.

🤔 Anita