Dear Kristen:

I am so sorry to read about the tragic loss of your sweet mourning dove. I can feel the immense pain and guilt you’re experiencing, and my heart goes out to you during this difficult time.

It’s evident how much you adored her and how honored you felt to have her in your life. She clearly brought a lot of love and joy to your home, and you provided her with a sense of freedom and companionship that she cherished.

Accidents can happen, even when we’re being as careful as possible. It’s important to remember that you gave her a loving home and did your best to protect her. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, unforeseen things happen, and it’s not a reflection of our care or intentions.

Please be kind to yourself. The guilt you feel is a natural response to such a heartbreaking event, but it doesn’t diminish the love and care you provided. Try to focus on the beautiful moments you shared with her and the happiness she brought into your life.

If it’s helpful, consider creating a small memorial for her or dedicating some time to reflect on the joy she brought you. This might help in finding a way to honor her memory and the special bond you shared.

Grieving is a process, and it’s okay to take the time you need to heal. Surround yourself with supportive people who understand and empathize with your feelings.

Sending you strength and comfort.

anita

Dear Arden:

Thank you so much for your heartfelt message and kind words. I’m truly touched that my poem inspired you, and I would be honored to see it transformed into a piece of art. Your dedication to finding time for creativity amidst your busy life is admirable.

You had a really challenging year, and it’s clear that you’ve been carrying a heavy load, not just with work but with constant worrying and thinking about the future. It’s very important to prioritize your health and well-being, and I’m glad you’re seeking ways to strengthen yourself.

I appreciate your reflections on friendships and self-perception:

* “People are never 100% honest in their friendships… everyone hides many thoughts from one another”-

– It’s true and it’s quite common for people to hide their thoughts. I hope you don’t mind (?), Arden, that I develop this topic. I want to develop it because it would help me, and maybe it will help you too:

Reasons why people hide their thoughts: (1) Social Etiquette/ being polite and promoting harmony. For example, thinking about someone you are talking to: “how unattractive he/ she looks like”, but hiding that thought so to not offend the person and to not create unnecessary tension. Another example: during a family dinner, someone hides his/ her true feelings about a political topic to avoid creating tension or offending relatives,

(2) Emotional Protection: to avoid being judged or hurt. For example, a person has romantic thoughts about a friend but hides those thoughts so to avoid the risk of rejection, and to avoid the potential loss of the friendship. Another example: a person hides his struggles with mental health, so to avoid being judged or stigmatized.

(3) Avoiding Conflict. For example, someone does not voice her disagreement in a group setting to keep the peace. Another example: in a relationship, one partner does not voice their annoyance with the other, so to prevent an argument.

(4) Fear of Rejection. An example: an employee does not share his innovative idea in a meeting, fearing it will be dismissed or ridiculed by colleagues

(5) Privacy. Example: a person keeps his financial struggles, or medical struggles private, choosing to deal with them independently rather than sharing them with friends, family, and/ or coworkers.

(6) Professionalism. Examples: an employee avoids discussing personal political beliefs at work to maintain a professional atmosphere and prevent potential conflicts.

Overall, hiding thoughts to some extent is a universal human behavior. Everyone does it to navigate various social, personal, and professional situations more smoothly. Selective disclosure of thoughts is a necessary and healthy part of everyday human interactions.
Understanding this can help in developing empathy and recognizing that everyone has unspoken thoughts and feelings, just as we do.

Hiding Thoughts is Healthy when it serves to avoid unnecessary conflicts maintain polite interactions with others, fostering a peaceful and cooperative environment, especially in settings where oversharing could be inappropriate or harmful. Also, it allows people to process their thoughts & feelings internally before deciding how, or if, they want to share them with others. In professional settings, discretion is often necessary to maintain a productive and respectful workplace.

Hiding Thoughts is Unhealthy for a person when he/ she does it too much. Emotional suppression on a regular basis, in every context, result in stress, anxiety, or depression, and it leads to a lack of authenticity in personal relationships, creating feelings of isolation. It’s important to find healthy outlets for expressing emotions. When people hide their thoughts to avoid conflict, it can lead to unresolved issues and built-up resentment over time, which can eventually strain relationships and lead to bigger conflicts.

Also, hiding thoughts and avoiding difficult conversations can prevent personal growth and self-improvement. It’s often through open and honest communication that individuals learn and grow.

In summary: it’s important to strike a balance between discretion (hiding our thoughts) and openness (voicing our thoughts). Finding the right time and place to express thoughts, and doing so constructively, can help maintain both personal well-being and healthy relationships. Having trusted individuals or safe spaces where one you can share thoughts openly is crucial. This provides a healthy outlet for emotions and helps build supportive connections. In essence, while hiding thoughts is a normal and often necessary part of social interaction, it’s important to ensure it doesn’t lead to negative emotional consequences or hinder authentic relationships.

* Now, to the people pleasing topic: being a people pleaser, like you expressed, Arden, can stem from a mix of love and fear. Recognizing this is a powerful step toward understanding yourself better. Realizing that people-pleasing is a behavior driven by specific motivations can boost your confidence in your ability to change and grow. With better understanding, you can work toward being more authentic in your relationships. This leads to deeper and more genuine connections with others.

Recognizing the mix of love and fear behind your actions can encourage self-compassion and help you find a balance between helping others and taking care of yourself, developing a more balanced and fulfilling life.

* Your experience with your friend’s request for money illustrates the struggle between wanting to help and feeling used. It’s okay to set boundaries and prioritize your own needs, especially when you’re already dealing with so much. Your decision to protect your self-worth and not feel used is commendable. It’s okay to prioritize your needs and ensure that your relationships are balanced and respectful.

Points: (1) You can practice saying no in a firm but polite manner. Example: “I’m sorry, but I can’t help with that right now”, (2) Express your needs and boundaries directly. Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. Example: “I feel overwhelmed when I’m asked to take on extra tasks. I need some time for myself”, (3) Decide what you’re comfortable with and communicate these boundaries clearly. Boundaries help protect your time, energy, and resources. Example: “I can help you, but only for an hour”, (4) Enforce your boundaries consistently. If someone crosses a boundary, remind them of your limits. Example: “I mentioned that I can only assist for an hour. I need to stop now”, (5) Take time for yourself and engage in activities that recharge you. Self-care strengthens your ability to set boundaries and resist being used. Examples: Engaging in hobbies or exercise, (6) Distance yourself from individuals who consistently take advantage of your kindness and focus on relationships where there is mutual respect and support. Healthy relationships involve give and take from both sides. Surround yourself with people who respect and value you.

Wishing you, Arden, a Merry Christmas and an amazing new year filled with happy surprises, peaceful moments, and the company of loved ones. May you find the balance and peace you seek.

anita

Dear Adrianne:

I re-read some of what you shared earlier this year, in your first thread, as well as what you shared here, and I would like to offer you a poem written just for you, for today and tomorrow (the time people have their Christmas dinner):

In the stillness of a quiet night,
Find a place of gentle light,
A refuge of calm and self-worth.

No need to dine in grand display,
Or fill the room with festive cheer,

Embrace instead the peace of doing things your way,
For your heart knows what it needs,

Let go of sounds of past quarrels,
And listen to the quiet peace of solitude,
It’s okay to seek solitude’s embrace,
To find comfort in your own serene space,

May your heart find its gentle tune,
In the freedom of your own, chosen, personal- Christmas- refuge.

anita

Hi Jana,

Thank you for your kind message. Enjoy your time in nature (beautiful photo) and have a wonderful holiday season!

Best, anita

Dear EVFran

GOod to read that you feel aligned and confident and much better Thank you for your wishes My Christmas will be better simply for knowing you are here. Merry Christmas!!!

anita

Dear ADrianne:
You are welcome. IF isolating is what you need to do during any part of CHristmas, for your mental health then isolating is a good idea!

I wish you a no pressure, quiet, free to do as you wish Christmas and thank you for your wishes for me.

Anita

Dear Peter:

Thank you so much for your kind response of yesterday. I’m glad to read that you found my reflections enlightening and compassionate. It’s reassuring to know that you appreciate the effort I put into understanding and reflecting on your thoughts.

I resonate with the idea of articulating complex ideas and trying to make sense of them through our conversations. It’s a rewarding process, and I find great value in analyzing and discussing these intricate thoughts with you.

Regarding your mention of Type 5 traits, I do find joy in analysis and reflection, and I believe that I do share some similarities with you. 😊 I appreciate your openness about your approach to posting and how you use this space to clarify your thoughts. It’s a good thing that you find Tiny Buddha a safe place for this kind of exploration.

“You seemed concerned when I expressed disappointment in the events of the day wondering if it was disillusionment. That surprised me and still pondering that. As in the other conversation with Jana, I don’t think the experiences of anger or disappointment are ‘wrong’ in and of them selves, or to be avoided.. I’ll need to take some time to see if I’m been honest with myself as it concerns disillusionment”-

– as I understand this, you are questioning whether it was actually disillusionment, not disappointment that you experience, not having considered before the possibility of disillusionment.You acknowledge the need to reflect on whether you are genuinely experiencing disillusionment or just disappointment. You also explain that you view emotions like anger and disappointment as natural and potentially useful for motivating action. It’s the energy and intentions behind these emotions that are significant, not the emotions themselves.

(Researching..) Disappointment is a feeling of sadness or displeasure when something doesn’t meet our expectations or hopes. It’s usually a reaction to a specific event or outcome that didn’t align with what you anticipated ((example: baking a bread, anticipating it to be delcious, and it comes out burnt). Disappointment tends to be more situational and temporary. It’s often easier to move past and can motivate us to adjust our expectations or try again (example: adjust the oven temperature and bake again)

Disillusionment, on the other hand, is a deeper, more profound feeling of disappointment where a belief, ideal, or perception is shattered. It involves realizing that something you believed in is not as good as you thought (example: admiring a political leader, believing in their integrity and vision, later to find out this person has engaged in unethical behavior or hypocrisy).

Disillusionment affects our core beliefs and assumptions, leading to a significant shift in perspective. It is more intense and harder to recover from than disappointment. It tends to be more pervasive and long-lasting, and lead to cynicism, skepticism, or a reevaluation of one’s beliefs and values. Disappointment might call for adjusting expectations, while disillusionment might require deeper introspection and reevaluation of beliefs.

Different emotions call for different coping strategies. For disappointment, you might focus on problem-solving and resilience. For disillusionment, you might need to explore underlying beliefs and seek support for emotional recovery.

Disillusionment, while painful, can lead to significant personal growth. It pushes you to reevaluate and strengthen your beliefs, ultimately leading to a more grounded and authentic perspective.

Understanding the distinction between disappointment and disillusionment provides valuable insights into yourself, enhances self-awareness, and helps apply appropriate coping strategies. This awareness ultimately leads to a more balanced and resilient approach to life’s challenges. (End of research).

As I think about my biggest and most damaging disillusionment, I think of my finally understanding that my mother didn’t love me and that she was not capable of loving me (she felt affection for me at times, I think, but she didn’t love me). For decades of adulthood, I did not cope well with this disillusionment and kept waiting- without being aware that I was waiting- that she will one day love me. Because of this waiting, I remained stuck in a no-love world.

It is only following being more thoroughly aware of the nature of my disallusionment that I was able to.. find love elsewhere (if you read my most recent post in my own thread, which I submitted last night, following socializing with a groupn of people, you can get a sense of what I mean.. perhaps).

There were repeated disappointment with my mother before disillusionment was cemented.

I felt anger at her for the longest time. The intent of the anger was to get away from her. But because of the waiting for her to love me.. I did not get away from her (at least, not emotionally).. so, I kept feeling angry at her, stuck in anger. Undertanding my disillusionment and therefore, getting away from her emotionally (no longer hoping for her to love me) takes away the motivatioan behind my anger. So, I am no longer stuck in anger. It is a relief.

I look forward to continuing our conversations and diving deeper into these fascinating (to me) topics. Your insights and experiences are valuable to me, and I’m grateful for the opportunity to engage with them.

I hope that you are having a good, relaxing Sunday.

anita