And you said it’s difficult for you to accept things you cannot change, that it feels “bad and hopeless”.

Can you give me an example of a thing that you cannot change that makes you feel bad and hopeless?

To me, it brings relief to accept and stop fighting/ resisting what I cannot change.

🤍 🌙 🤔 Anita

Dear Sonia:

I’ll share with you what comes up for me as I read your short, original post. What I share is, of course, about me. Some of it may resonate with you, or not. But I figure my sharing can’t hurt you. And maybe, just maybe, it may help you just a bit

When I cared so much as you seem to care about helping another person, it was about me trying to prevent the other person from hurting AS MUCH as I did; it was about being there for the other person like no one was there for me.

It was about wanting to protect another person from what I had gone through.

I’ve been ignored for so long growing up and beyond, so alone and lonely, that here, in these forums. I am driven to respond to everyone, every single day, so that no one is left unanswered. I’ve done this for more than a decade.

Thing is. it’s MY drive. No one here in these forums has ever needed me anywhere close to how much I needed someone, anyone to HELP ME for too long.

So, in regard to your friend, about your fear or concern that he’ll get more depressed if you set boundaries/ distance yourself from him, I wonder 🤔 if he really needs you as much as you imagine him needing you

🤍`Anita

Dear Sonia:

It’s interesting that you said “I am anxious as a kid”, present tense. I know part of me is still the same kid I was half a century ago.

What made you an 😟 anxious kid?

🤍 Anita

Dear Sonia:

It makes sense that you care about your friend — you’ve been carrying his pain on your shoulders for a long time. But caring for someone doesn’t mean sacrificing your own wellbeing. It’s okay to step back when the emotional load becomes too heavy.

You’re not responsible for managing his depression or preventing his bad days. That’s his work, not yours. Wanting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re abandoning him — it means you’re finally taking care of yourself.

A real friendship can survive healthy distance. And if he struggles, that doesn’t mean you caused it. You’re allowed to protect your own mental health.

I wonder if you grew up, Sonia, with an anxious, depressed parent who suffered a lot?

🤍 Anita

Good morning, Confused:

The Serenity Prayer comes to mind: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.

The purpose of this prayer is to eliminate the resistance to what we wish was different but that which we cannot change, and in so doing, to lower our anxiety and direct our energy to what we CAN change.

Because there’s so much in life that is uncertain and so much that cannot be guaranteed, we have to endure a certain amount of anxiety. Expecting someone else to calm that anxiety for us on a regular or ongoing basis (more than a moment here, a moment there) is putting too much pressure on the other person.

And pressuring yourself to calm another person’s anxiety (more often than a moment here, a moment there) is putting too much pressure on yourself.

What do you think about what I just wrote?

You wrote yesterday: “I make a lot of excuses for my parents and for most people and their behaviours, I know that. I always see their side of the story and be quick to validate them, often leading to neglecting my own feelings and side.”-

This may be your way to calm other people’s anxiety: to focus on their feelings and to quickly validate them while neglecting your own feelings. Is it?

You also wrote yesterday: “Chaos feels so natural to me and I often thrive in chaotic work environments, I noticed that in most of my relationships, when things flow easy and calm for too long, I instigate some ‘drama’ to keep the spark alive. Not anything serious though.”-

I wonder how you’ve instigated drama in your relationships, examples?

🤍 Anita

I am going to retire for the night 🌙 soon. Be back Mon morning 🌄.

But for now, think of it, Confused: You are NOT responsible for her feelings, the two of you are adults, equally adults. She is responsible for her feelings, same as you are responsible for yours.

Her feelings are not your responsibility.

🤍🌙🤍 Anita

It sounds to me like you (Confused) took on the emotional ROLE of a parent in regard to her, like she’s your child for whom you- as a parent of some sort- are responsible for.

While in reality, the two of you are about the same age..???

Hmm… “have to”, feeling an obligation, a responsibility is.. what’s the words, it 🤔 rains on the parade of love and spontaneity. It’s no longer fun and open. It’s a JOB. ??