Dear Alessa:

Yes, I agree. Our journeys are very personal, and your thoughts and feelings, Alessa, are VALID!

Forgiveness- I read some time ago that it means no longer being angry at the perpetrator, no longer hating the perpetrator.

I am no longer angry at my mother. I know longer hate her. And, at the same time, I don’t want to spend any more time empathizing with her.

I wish you the best on your very personal journey, Alessa. I think very well of you 🙏👍, I am rooting for you!

🤍🙏🤍 Anita

I’m glad it’s a song 🎵 Thomas and you are relating to. Sometimes I’m slow 🐌 .

Confusion 😕 is not your destiny, Confused.

Maybe it will help you to slowly re-read and take notes of this longest, oldest tiny buddha thread ever, 45 page, longer than a decade thread.

🎵🤍✨️ Anita

Thomas??? I don’t understand, or do l?

Please explain to me..???

Dear Charlotte:

I reactivated your 2018 thread because I can relate very much to what you shared back then in this thread and in your other threads. (I am presenting the following in the present tense even though things may have changed since then):

The central theme in your original post here is how easily you lose your sense of self in romantic relationships.

You described not being able to feel your own emotions, sense your boundaries, or stay connected to what you want. You get “absorbed” into the other person, go against your own limits, and then feel guilt and shame afterward. This isn’t about this particular man — it’s about your relationship with yourself.

People who grow up without emotional attunement — parents who don’t mirror feelings, don’t help the child understand their inner world, or don’t respect boundaries — often grow up without a stable internal sense of self. In adulthood, they tend to “merge” with partners because they don’t have a strong inner anchor to hold onto.

What you describe is the emotional pattern of fearful‑avoidant attachment: craving closeness, fearing it, moving toward someone, then pulling away, then feeling guilty and returning. This cycle usually begins long before adulthood.

You wrote about feeling shame, guilt, dishonesty, and like you were “not yourself.” The shame isn’t about the physical intimacy — it’s about abandoning your own boundaries. Every time you said “no” and then went against it, you reinforced the old belief that your needs don’t matter. That belief comes from childhood.

You actually mentioned this connection yourself (I didn’t notice you mentioning your parents yesterday, but here it is): “I’ve been struggling with feeling myself and my emotions in other romantic relationships as well as in the relationship to my parents.”

This one sentence says a lot. It suggests that growing up your emotions weren’t mirrored, your boundaries weren’t respected, you had to adapt to others, and you weren’t allowed to take up emotional space

Children who grow up this way often become adults who don’t know what they feel, don’t know what they want, feel guilty for having needs, lose themselves in relationships, and panic when someone gets close. Your current struggles are a continuation of that early pattern.

You worry that you’re being dishonest, but what’s actually happening is this:

You say what you think you feel → you get overwhelmed → you disconnect from yourself → you act from fear → you feel guilty → you try to correct it → you get overwhelmed again.

This isn’t manipulation. It’s your nervous system trying to protect you from emotional overload.

You also mentioned that he is calm, patient, and accepting. That’s positive — but for someone with your attachment pattern, it can also be confusing. You’re used to relationships where you had to adapt or manage others. His calmness removes the familiar “role,” which can make you lose your sense of self even more.

You’re unsure whether you like him because you can’t feel yourself clearly. You wonder if it’s the wrong person or if it’s emotional numbness. This confusion is common when someone doesn’t yet have a stable internal sense of self. Until that stabilizes, it’s impossible to know what you truly feel about him.

Right now, you’re trying to make relationship decisions from a place of numbness, shame, fear, and self‑abandonment. No one can make a clear choice from that state.

What matters most is understanding that you didn’t act out of malice. You acted out of fear and emotional survival. You’re not a bad person — you’re someone who never learned how to stay connected to herself because she wasn’t supported in developing that connection as a child.

Your adult pattern — losing yourself, feeling guilty for having needs, being pulled toward and away from intimacy — is the natural outcome of growing up without emotional safety.

* Mirroring a child’s feelings means the parent reflects the child’s emotional state back to them in a calm, attuned way. It helps the child feel seen and teaches them what their feelings are.

Examples: (1) Child: crying because a toy broke, Parent: “Oh sweetheart, you’re really sad about your toy. It meant a lot to you.”

(2) Child: hiding behind the parent at a party, Parent: “You’re feeling shy right now. It’s okay to take your time.”

(3) Child: angry because a sibling took something, Parent: “You’re frustrated and mad. I get it — that didn’t feel fair.”

(4) Child: excited about something, Parent: “You’re so excited! Tell me what happened.”

This teaches the child “My feelings make sense.”, “Someone understands me.”, “My emotions aren’t too much.”, “I can trust what I feel.”

This is the foundation of a stable sense of self.

An attuned parent can help a child understand their inner world. Examples:

(1) Child: says “I don’t know” when asked what’s wrong, Parent: “Sometimes feelings get mixed together. Maybe you’re a little sad and a little angry?”

(2) Child: nervous before a performance, Parent: “That tight feeling in your stomach is nerves. It happens when something matters to you.”

(3) Child: shouting “I hate you!”, Parent: “You’re really upset right now. Let’s take a moment and figure out what’s underneath that anger.”

This teaches the child: “My inner world is understandable.”, “My feelings have names.”, “I can explore what’s happening inside me.”, “I don’t have to be afraid of my emotions.”

This is how children develop emotional awareness and self‑connection.

An attuned parent Respects the child’s boundaries, recognizing the child as a separate person with their own needs, preferences, and limits.

Examples:

(1) Child: doesn’t want to hug a relative, Parent: “That’s okay. You don’t have to hug anyone if you don’t want to.”

(2) Child: wants to play alone, Parent: “You want some space right now. I’ll check on you in a bit.”

(3) Child: says “stop” during tickling, Parent: “You said stop — I’m stopping.”

(4) Child: doesn’t want to share a toy yet, Parent: “You’re not ready to share right now. You can tell me when you are.”

This teaches the child “My boundaries matter.”, “I’m allowed to say no.”, “I have control over my body and space.”, “I am a separate person.”

This is how children develop a strong sense of self and healthy boundaries in adulthood.

When a child grows up with mirrored feelings → they learn emotional clarity, with help understanding their inner world → they develop self-awareness, with respected boundaries → they develop a stable sense of self

When these are missing, the child grows up unsure of their feelings, disconnected from their needs, easily overwhelmed, prone to losing themselves in relationships, afraid to set boundaries and guilty for having needs. This is exactly the pattern you described Charlotte, a pattern I can very much relate to.

(to be continued next)

Anita

And you crying 😢 your guts out and then feeling indifferent- that’s not strange in my mind. I mean, if you cry your guts out for too long, you’ll be out of guts (and how 🤔 will you process food with no guts?)

so it’s not “strange” to me that your body-brain stopped the loss of your guts (by suspending feelings/ feeling indifferent 😐 )

😐 🤔 😢 😔 🙂 😏 😴 Anita

Thinking about you, me. I think you live south of the scene of mass shooting yesterday in B.C 😔

Dear Char:

I would like to ask you again 🙂 6.5 years later the same question: what do you think 🤔 about a possible connection between your struggles (particularly with shame, guilt, feelings of inauthenticity, repressed anger) and your childhood experience?

I went over your threads since the first on
Nov 29 2013 (age 21), and you shared nothing about your childhood, and as far as I could see, none of the people who responded to you asked you about your childhood until I did right above.

You should be 34, I think. It’ll be a miracle 🙏 hearing from you after such a long time.

* I may add a post here in the next day or two.

🤍 Anita