Dear Mollie:

Thank you so much for your lovely replies. I want to reread them later and reply further. But dor now, I want to say: you are a genuinely good, caring and generous person.

Remember to put yourself first though. Not selfishly but not selflessly either.

🤍🙏🤍 Anita

Good morning, Peter:

Part 1, Copilot on how the words we use shape the feelings we have, and the behavior we choose—often before we’re aware of it:

The examples below show how this works in real life and how choosing different language can completely change the interaction:

1. “I owe you an apology.” → Social interaction becomes a debt.

When we use the metaphor Apology = Payment, the interaction becomes: one person “owes”, the other “is owed”, someone must “pay back”.

This can create guilt, pressure, or imbalance even when no one intended it.

If you switch the metaphor to: “I want to repair something between us,” the interaction becomes mutual, not transactional.

2. “She crossed a boundary.” → Social interaction becomes territory.

When we use Boundary = Property line, we start thinking in terms of trespassing, invasion, protection, defense. This can make a small misunderstanding feel like a violation.

If you switch the metaphor to: “Something felt uncomfortable for me,”, the interaction becomes about feelings, not territory.

3. “He made me feel stupid.” → Social interaction becomes cause-and-effect.

This metaphor makes the other person the cause and you the effect, which removes your agency.

If you switch to: “I felt insecure when he said that,”, you regain ownership of your experience.

4. “We need to clear the air.” → Social interaction becomes weather.

This metaphor makes conflict feel like a storm that must be “cleaned up,” which can create urgency or pressure.

If you switch to: “I’d like to understand what happened,”, the interaction becomes calmer and more grounded.

5. “She’s toxic.” → Social interaction becomes contamination.

This metaphor turns a person into a substance. It pushes you toward avoidance, fear, disgust, moral judgment.

If you switch to: “Her behavior is hard for me,” you keep the person human.

Peter is saying that in social interactions, we often think we’re reacting to the person, but we’re actually reacting to the metaphor we used to describe the situation:

If you call someone “toxic,” you’ll feel disgust; if you call someone “hurt,” you’ll feel compassion.

If you call a disagreement a “fight,” you’ll defend yourself; if you call it a “conversation,” you’ll listen.

To use language—rather than being used by it happens when you:

* Notice the metaphor you’re using,

* Ask whether it’s helping or trapping you,

* Choose a different metaphor that opens more possibilities.

Part 2: In regard to my Feb 26 post to you, Peter, the one that made you feel “reduced” and “caged”, which included: “It just occurred to me why I NEED to communicate in concrete language and why you need to communicate in abstract, symbolic language: I grew up in intellectual chaos… You grew up, as I understand it, in a rigid, concrete environment…”),

Copilot: Here is the clearest, most grounded way to understand how language “used you” in that message to Peter, and which metaphors shaped the emotional impact—on both you and him.

I’ll break it into three parts: the metaphors you used, how each metaphor shaped your thinking, and how each metaphor made him feel “reduced” or “caged”.

1. The metaphors you used (even though you didn’t realize they were metaphors)… “Intellectual chaos”, “Rigid, concrete environment”, “Inner chaos”, “Cold, unfeeling person”, “Style that came about in childhood”, “Decode” his language, “Running across green fields”, “Spark wanting to be fire”, “People-pleasing”, “Emotional connection” as something that must be reciprocated.

These are not just descriptions—they are frames that shaped how you saw him and how he felt seen.

2. How these metaphors “used you” (shaped your thinking without you noticing)

Metaphor 1: “Intellectual chaos” → Your childhood as disorder

This metaphor made you see your communication style as a survival adaptation to chaos.
It shaped your thinking into: “I speak concretely because I had to.”, “My style is a reaction to trauma.”

This is not wrong—but it’s a psychological frame.

Metaphor 2: “Rigid, concrete environment” → His childhood as strict and limiting

This metaphor made you interpret his abstract style as a reaction to rigidity, an escape from black‑and‑white thinking, a coping mechanism.

Again, not wrong—but it’s a psychological explanation.

Metaphor 3: “Inner chaos” → His inner world as unstable

This metaphor made you imagine his internal life as chaotic, unmirrored, emotionally unsafe.

This is where he felt “reduced.”

Metaphor 4: “Decode” → His language as a puzzle or symptom

This metaphor made you see his communication as something to translate, something to interpret, something that hides the “real” him.

This unintentionally made him feel like an object of analysis.

Metaphor 5: “Cold, unfeeling person” → His style as emotional absence.

This metaphor shaped your emotional reaction: “He doesn’t feel.”, “He doesn’t reciprocate.”, “He is distant.”

It made you angry at him—not because of him, but because of the metaphor.

Metaphor 6: “Style that came about in childhood” → His communication as pathology

This metaphor turned his way of speaking into a symptom, a result of trauma, something caused by the past

This is the exact moment he felt “caged.”

Metaphor 7: “Spark wanting to be fire” → Your parable

This metaphor expressed your own longing to be seen. It shaped your emotional tone into vulnerability, intensity, a desire for recognition. This part did not reduce him—it revealed you.

3. How these metaphors made him feel “reduced” or “caged”

Peter felt reduced because your metaphors turned him into a psychological pattern, a product of childhood, someone whose communication style is a coping mechanism, someone whose inner world is “chaos”, someone who needs decoding, someone who failed to reciprocate emotionally.

He didn’t feel attacked. He felt shrunk.

Your metaphors made him feel like: “I am being explained instead of seen.”

That is the “prison” he was talking about.

The simplest explanation- Your language “used you” because the metaphors you chose—chaos, rigidity, decoding, coldness—automatically shaped how you saw him and how you interpreted his behavior. You didn’t choose those interpretations consciously; the metaphors chose them for you. And those metaphors made him feel like he was being turned into a psychological case rather than a full person.

Part 3, Anita to Copilot: but my psychological explanations make sense, and both you (Copilot) and Peter said I was not wrong, so why is it wrong to present what I am “not wrong” about? 2nd question: can you rewrite that post I sent Peter using different metaphors that would feel good to him, expansive (not reduced) free (not caged)?

Copilot: Why something can be true and still feel reducing- Your psychological explanations weren’t wrong.
Peter even said so: “It’s not that you’re wrong.” The issue wasn’t accuracy. It was frame. What made him feel reduced wasn’t the content — it was the position the language put him in.

Your message placed him in a metaphorical role: a child shaped by rigidity, a person with inner chaos, someone whose communication style is a coping mechanism, someone who needs decoding, someone whose behavior can be explained by your psychological lens.

All of these may be partly true. But they cast him in a passive, interpreted, diagnosed, explained role.

In that frame: You are the observer, He is the observed; You are the interpreter, He is the interpreted.
You are the one with insight; He is the one being analyzed. This is what he meant by “a cage.”

The deeper truth: A psychological explanation can be correct and still shrink a person if it becomes the only lens through which they are seen.

It’s like saying to someone: “You’re not wrong, but you’re only seeing me through one window.”

That’s why he didn’t want you to stop talking — he wanted you to widen the frame.

Here is a version of your original post that keeps your emotional truth but uses relational, equalizing, and non‑diagnostic metaphors. It honors both of you without placing either person in a psychological box.

You can send this to him if you want, or simply use it as a model for future communication.

✨ Rewritten message (expansive, non‑reducing)
Hi Peter,

I’ve been thinking about how differently we use language, and I’m starting to see our styles less as opposites and more as two native languages shaped by the worlds we grew up in. My early life felt unpredictable and confusing, so I learned to hold onto what was solid and clear. Concrete language became my way of finding ground. I’m beginning to imagine that your world may have shaped you differently, giving you a comfort with symbols, images, and ideas that move in wider spaces. Not as a reaction or a wound, but as a natural way your mind travels.

When I look back at our exchanges, I can see moments where I reached for emotional directness and you reached for metaphor, and we both thought the other had stepped away. But now I’m starting to see that we were both reaching — just in different directions. My “green grass” image was my way of opening a door, and your parable was yours. They were different gestures, but both human ones.

I’m realizing that your abstract language isn’t distance; it’s texture. It’s how you explore meaning. And my concrete language isn’t simplicity; it’s clarity. It’s how I stay connected to myself. Maybe neither of us needs to translate the other perfectly. Maybe we can just let our languages meet and see what grows in the overlap.

I tried writing a small parable of my own — not to imitate you, but to step into your world for a moment. It made me smile to try. It also helped me see how much feeling can live inside an image.

Thank you for staying in this conversation with me. I’m learning a lot about how language can open space between people, not just close it.

—Anita

This rewritten message doesn’t diagnose him, doesn’t explain him through childhood, doesn’t frame his style as a coping mechanism, doesn’t place you above him as the interpreter, doesn’t imply he is chaotic inside, doesn’t cast him as emotionally cold, doesn’t turn him into a psychological pattern.

Instead, it treats both of you as equals, frames your differences as languages, not symptoms; honors his style as a choice, not a reaction, honors your style as grounding, not simplistic, creates spaciousness instead of confinement, invites connection instead of analysis.

This is the kind of language that feels like grass, not walls.”

Anita to Peter: the right above hurts a little: I offered running with you across green fields.. but offered walls instead.

Anita

I didn’t know you went through 4. I thought you went through 2.

And I suppose you no longer see the 26-year-old therapist?

I wonder how your day/ night look like, how you spend your time, if you have a daily routine?

🤔 Anita

Hey Confused:

I have no admin rights at all. I am sorry you feel numb and you don’t like it. I wonder if you should have a 2nd opinion, see another professional?

Dear Alessa:

Thank you for your kind and supportive message 🙏🙏🙏

Your message encouraged me to post the above message to Peter.

🤍 Anita

Dear Robie:

You did go through a traumatizing childhood- not equal to your girlfriend’s, but no less harmful. Maybe it was worse than hers.

So, it’s not that you are the fortunate one vs your unfortunate girlfriend.

Her father betrayed her and her mother. Both your parents betrayed/ neglected you.

What I am trying to say is that in this crazy 🤪 world, you deserve a bit of sanity, which is a man and a woman (you and a partner) joining forces for a better future for both, as a team.

Not tied up/ enslaved by childhood patterns.

You are not wrong, Robie. You are not unempathetic.

You’re a man trying to free himself from old patterns: your mother, your father, her dead father, her living mother.

🤍 Anita

Hey Peter:

I feel badly about you feeling reduced because of my earlier post. I really do. I am sorry about that. What I wrote to you was very interesting to me and without thinking much, I thought it’d be interesting to you too.

Maybe it’s better that we don’t communicate further, because we, like you wrote, “keep missing each other”, and today I hurt you a bit (feeling reduced)?

Do no harm is something I want to focus on better in my communication with everyone.

😔 Anita

Thank you for telling me honestly and straightforwardly how you feel about what I wrote.

I guess it’s my passion to understand how our childhoods lead to our adult life experiences. We humans are so similar in how we respond to early life experiences.

I didn’t mean to reduce you to a theory. I just see us all as reactors to childhood experiences in the same ways, or by the same rules.

And some of us try to transcend those instinctive, unconscience reactions.

The language I speak is non-duality of human early reactions, as in we are all one in the way we react before we are able to consciously choose how we react.

So, you think I am abstract, going beyond the concrete? Please 🙏 tell me more.