In regard to her message, “you all are perpetrators”- I tried to be on her side by never trusting anyone/ be against everyone (and therefore, be WITH her), but no matter what, I was never allowed to be WITH her. No matter how much I rejected everyone, I was not to be one with her-

It never happened that I was one with her, as a team of two.. no matter how much I desired it to be that way.

As she experienced it, I was Always Enemy, NO MATTER how much I desired it to be otherwise. She just wouldn’t let anyone in as a friend or ally.

In her world there needed to be just one good, victimized entity (herself), and everyone else (her daughters, her grandchild)- terribly inadequate disappointments.

She’s been nothing but a terrible person to those born to her and who loved her the most. She was the WORST to those few who loved her the most, and in so being, she destroyed SO MUCH in those few who loved her the most.

Anita

Dear Tee/ Everyone:

I wrote earlier: “I want to list, matter of factly, her “Lies about (my)self, about her, about other people, about life..’, her narrative”-

What she said in so many words: “I (mother) am GOOD, ALWAYS GOOD. If you have any problem with me- that’s nothing but an indication of you being BAD, that and nothing else.

In other words, if you (Anita) express anything other than ADMIRATION for my total, unquestionable goodness- that’s nothing but your (Anita’s) BADNESS.

If I hit, slap, kick you- it’s nothing but an indication of your (Anita’s) badness, and if you resist or protest in any way (be it in an angry look and nothing else), that’s you (Anita) being BAD on top of bad.

In yet other words: I was expected to look down at the floor as she shamed and guilt-tripped me at great lengths; hit, kicked, punched me and NEVER, EVER express- in any way )not even in a look in my face)- anything but TOTAL ADMIRATION for her goodness. Which meant, unquestionable acceptance of my badness.

In yet other words, the only way for me to be just a bit good was to accept her loud, clear and repeating message- that I was B.A.D.

In regard to other people: They are all BAD (and so am I), and if I trust any one of them (or myself) then I am BADDER than bad.

Her message: You (Anita) have wronged me from the moment you were born (bridge birth, low-weight baby, refusing to nurse.. milk duct infection of young mother). You’ve been BAD from your very beginning, wronging the BEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD (her words, “best..)”

So, her narrative was always this: “I am the best; you are the worst; I’ve always been victim; you all are perpetrators”.

Anita

Oh my G., Alessa, I just rescued Bogart from chewing on a sharp pencil, I didn’t get this house beagle proof! Luckily, I removed 3 mouse traps before he got to them, one which activated when I touched it. For crying out loud, I am not prepared..

And then he chewed on a stevia packet I left on the carpet and I asked AI if it’s dangerous for dogs (not in small amounts, a relief!)

Bogart is very active right now. It stopped raining, so I would have taken him for a walk, but the leash and harness purchased are not the right size, plus he’s afraid going out. So, I’m just sitting here letting Bogart know he’s not alone.

Plus, he’s drinking more water right now, and him refusing to go out means he’s going to relieve himself in the house.. I wish you were here to help me, Alessa!

🤍 🤍 Anita

Dear Tee:

“I’m happy that Bogi the beagle 😊 came home safely, albeit not without mishaps! I’m sorry, can’t give you much advice on how to clean after dogs (and in general about dog upkeep), since I’ve never had a pet. But I’m sure these are just beginner’s hurdles and you’ll get the hang of it soon enough! 🤞”-

Thank you, Tee. I am definitely a beginner. Bogi is my first pet, really. Truly, he’s adorable, so innocent and gentle.

“So, good to hear that you’ve managed to calm him down during the unpleasant ride, and that he found comfort in your proximity… That’s a very good sign – that he can relax in the proximity of his new owner. I think you’re already being a good dog mom, Anita. 😊 🤍”- 🙏🙏🙏 Tee. During the ride I was trying to be consistent, to teach him that I’m there for him whenever he opens his eyes, so he wasn’t alone. He trusted me. Trust is so essential in the context of human and human-dog interactions.

“And a clever one, too, bribing him to get on his bed by pieces of sliced turkey. 😂 Glad that worked out smoothly! 🙂”-i was proud of myself following my success 🥹✨💪🌟

“But I’m sorry to hear that Boe and Hunter are dead, specially that Hunter was killed by a deer! 😢 I hope Kooper, if you meet him again, will be able to play nicely with his younger fella, Bogi! 😊”- I just heard Kooper barking (I often do) and yes, I thought about the two meeting! Currently, Bogi is still scared to get up from his dog bed to go outside. He just wouldn’t get up. So, still anxiety. Plus, seems like he’s never been on a leash.

“Good thinking, Anita! I still wanted to add something, since it might be relevant for your quest to become a separate person and exit your personal holocaust… That’s a worthy quest, Anita. To start focusing somewhere else, on building your new identity (or rather, peeling off the layers of the false identity, coming to your True Self). And the precondition for that, like you noticed, is to feel mentally and emotionally less threatened by her, to create a mental-emotional safe distance from her.

“Because even if you haven’t been threatened physically for decades, because you chose to leave that toxic home, you were still emotionally and mentally threatened – because you believed her lies. Lies about yourself, about her, about other people, about life… You lived within her narrative, you believed it, you made decisions based on it.

“But recently, you’ve started to question that narrative and even rejected most of it. You’ve realized you’re not the person she told you (that) you are. And I hope you’re realizing that her opinion of you doesn’t feel so threatening anymore. She can believe whatever she wants, but it doesn’t affect how you feel about yourself and what you hold dear in life. It doesn’t affect your sense of self. That would be the goal.

“And so if her judgment doesn’t affect you, or affects you less than before, there is a space to feel greater emotional and mental safety from her. To feel like your life is yours, not hers, or not in reaction to her. And that’s how you can start exercising independence, and actually get out of that prison camp. Because her view of you isn’t imprisoning you any longer.. Maybe you’re feeling that already, but I just wanted to mention it, in case it helps some more..”-

Very well said, Tee 🙏🙏 🙏 In my next post in this thread, sometime later, I want to list, matter of fact-ly, her “Lies about (my)self, about her, about other people, about life..”, her narrative.

🤍 🙏 🫶 🤍Anita

Oh my, so, Just heard Bogie (possible name) drinking water, which means his next pee shouldn’t be in the house.. so, got to move him to the outside if you don’t want his pee on the floor, for crying out loud (HELP)…..

He’s just been picked and carried outside for peeing purposes (WHY IS LIFE so COMPLICATED?)

Waiting, hoping for the best as far as the dark, cruel outside..

Waiting… Did the dog pee?

Almost 9 pm.. Waiting.. It’s dark and dangerous out there..

Just checked.. he doesn’t feel safe peeing outside, which means .. pee inside the house tonight.

I have lots of detergents.. anything to remove all this vomit and urine.. and pooh?

.. Well, I’m almost besides myself..

Can urine be removed from wooden floor?

So, he’s been a beagle. Bogi or Bogart is his name. He’s lying on his dog bed.

Truthfully, he’s ADORABLE, a good, gentle soul. If he was clean and didn’t smell like vomit, I would definitely have him in my bed tonight!

To be continued..