For whatever it may be worth, Thomas (and it may be worth nothing at all to you), but I thought it cannot harm to tell you-

I do think that you are funny, very funny. You made me laugh many times (I did let you know), particularly your self- deprecating humor.

I believe that you are a good – and a funny 😁 man, Thomas.

Thank you for being you, and thank you for being here.

You make a positive difference 🙏

🤍 🙏 ✨️ Anita

Hey Confused:

You heard her discussing things with her mother- you mean during the 3 days you visited her?

“I don’t know if I wanna do it”- you mean getting your feelings for her back?

I wonder 🤔 about the nature of your contact with her recently, currently? (may be too many ?s for one post … ?)

Dear Emma:

Good to read back from you, it’s always good.

As I was reading about your guilt in regard to W, I was thinking: he’s either in his late 30s (?) Or in his 40s. He’s had a lot of life before he met you, particularly his Formative Years (his childhood), and you had absolutely nothing to do with his problems, emotional conflicts, insecurities, impulsiveness, etc. Absolutely Nothing. I hope that this guilt on your part alleviates.

Yes, I think W would have been unhealthy for you, he’s already been unhealthy for you.

In regard to the key issue 🔑 , someone healthier, once you explained to him your anxiety/ OCD issue, would have tried to calm and reassure you that it’s okay, that he trusts you and appreciate your honesty, and he’d tell you that you don’t have to tell him everything.

I hope that over time you will be more and more authentic, true to yourself. On this topic, you might want to read my reply to another member earlier today in regard to managing other people’s emotions. I think it applies to you too (the reply is the first of the two I submitted today, the one I addressed to “Confused”.

Regarding the ice cream 🍦 thing- it’s very much related to the mask topic you brought up. Growing up (more accurate, growing in, as in inward, shrinking), I was masked 😷 big time. Was not authentic, severely focused on managing my mother’s emotions (what is SHE feeling?), that I lost touch with what I was feeling, so much so, that I couldn’t choose a “yes” or a “no”, nor could I choose an ice-cream flavor.

Great progress thing, more authentic and maskless than ever 👏

Back to W- not a good match for you. You need someone mature, calm, stable (which you suggested before would be boring for you 😴), but such a man, I believe, would be right ✅️ for you.

By the way, what is your favorite ice-cream flavor (if 😋 any)?

🤍 Anita

Hey Confused:

Your mother’s input regarding her partner was inappropriate. She should have shared those things with another adult, not with a child, and particularly not with her own minor-age son!

Why did this come up with her? I don’t know
Maybe because you felt safer with her for a long time than you did with other romantic interests prior to her.

Yes, you can change internal things about yourself, like core beliefs ( such as what is love, really, true love, that is), and you can change old adaptations (managing other people’s emotions), as well as becoming more authentic. It takes time, persistence, and that thing you mentioned 🙂 patience.

Can you reactivate your feelings for her? I think 🤔 that if the pressure (to manage her feeling, the pressure of feeling responsible for her feelings) alleviates- then your loving feelings for her may return.

What surely doesn’t work is pressure to feel.

🤍 Anita

Good morning, Confused:

This morning, processing some of what you shared yesterday in your many posts, I feel like I understand you better than ever.

Your first reaction to her poem was genuine appreciation, but immediately afterward, your mind flipped into: “I SHOULD feel more.”, “I’m a bad person if I don’t.”, “Now I have to be careful not to hurt her.”, “She’s really into me — now I’m responsible.”-

This is not a reaction to love; it’s a reaction to expectation, pressure, and fear of disappointing her.

“I feel responsible for other people’s emotions”- This is the biggest theme in everything you shared. You interpret friends wanting you around → burden, girlfriend expressing love → pressure, people including you → obligation

Your therapist’s observation is spot‑on: you don’t receive love as love. You receive it as demand, expectation, or dependency.

Everything you described points to a deep belief: “Love is conditional. If I don’t meet expectations, I’ll hurt people or be abandoned.” So, when someone loves you, you don’t feel joy — you feel pressure to live up to it.

When someone expresses affection, you don’t feel warmth — you feel fear of failing them. When someone depends on you, you don’t feel valued — you feel trapped. It’s a protective emotional style built from years of learning that love = responsibility.

For people who grew up feeling they had to earn love, affection can feel like a demand (to live up to it, to justify it, to work hard to maintain it), not a gift. So, instead of joy, you feel obligation, fear of failing and emotional shutdown.

You wrote: “I don’t feel excitement when receiving love or gifts”- when you grow up with conditional affection, you internalize the idea that love = pressure, and you learn to perform emotions so to keep the peace.

People (like me and you) who grew up in homes where their genuine feelings weren’t safe, welcomed, or effective, adapt by showing the emotions that would maintain harmony (emotions that will be effective) rather than the ones they truly felt. So, instead of expressing disappointment, confusion, or discomfort, they learned to smile, act grateful, or appear excited because it prevented conflict or criticism. Over time, they internalized the belief that people only accept them when they react the “right” way.

This creates a lifelong habit of managing other people’s emotions, meaning taking responsibility for how other people feel and adjusting your own behavior, reactions, or emotional expression to keep them stable, happy, or un-upset.

It’s a pattern that develops early in life in environments where other people’s (often a parent’s) moods were unpredictable, demanding, dangerous, or easily triggered. So, instead of simply having your own emotional experience, you become hyper‑attuned to what others might feel and you shape your words, tone, and reactions to prevent conflict, disappointment, or tension.

Over time, this becomes automatic: you smile when you’re uncomfortable, act excited so no one feels let down, hide your needs to avoid burdening others, or soften your opinions to keep the peace. The result is that you stop expressing your authentic emotions and instead perform the emotions that will keep the situation smooth.

Managing other people’s emotions is the internal responsibility, feeling like it’s your job to keep others calm, happy, or stable, adjusting your reactions so they don’t get upset, monitoring their mood more than your own, and believing their emotional state depends on you. It is hard work and it’s exhausting. That’s why love feels like pressure, affection feels like obligation, gifts feel like expectations, and emotional closeness feels like a burden

Managing other people’s emotions is people‑pleasing, but on a deeper level. It’s a protective strategy that once helped you feel relatively safe, but now makes relationships feel heavy, pressured, and exhausting.

In my mind, it’s no wonder you shut down emotionally.

What do you think, Confused, does this resonate?

🤍🌿 Anita

Did your mother complain to you that he (the man in her life who happened to be your father) used her? Led her on? Passed his time until he got bored with her?

And you’re afraid being that kind of guy?

(just checking, maybe yes, maybe not)

“that I hold something fragile”- I know the answer is right here, or should I say, the core of the answer.

What’s fragile in you, Confused? What are you afraid might break?