Dear Lulu:

From everything you shared in your previous July 10,2025 thread (“Think my boyfriend experienced child sexual abuse, but he doesn’t remember any”), and what you shared here almost 7 months later, your boyfriend is dealing with very real emotional wounds from his childhood, even if he doesn’t have clear memories of a lot that happened.

His reactions — shutting down, shaking, crying, feeling dread, zoning out, needing a shower, forgetting large parts of his childhood- these are common trauma responses, especially when someone doesn’t have clear memories. The body remembers sensations and danger even when the mind can’t. This show that something in his past created a strong fear response, something was frightening or overwhelming for him.

* The combination of memory loss + intense body reactions is indication of trauma and unprocessed fear.

His father’s behavior was unpredictable and emotionally unsafe, and some of the things he remembers — being humiliated, being hosed down naked, hearing sexualized comments as a child — would be deeply confusing and distressing for anyone. Even without knowing the full story, it makes sense that his body reacts strongly around his father and that he feels physical pain or panic after spending time with him.

What he does remember in regard to his father is emotional and physical abuse which include Boundary Violations. That alone can create lifelong fear and confusion. (I will elaborate on the Boundary Violations in the next post).

The movie scene you described triggered something that was already there in him. His body reacted before he could understand why, which is common when someone has old, unprocessed fear.

On top of that, his high‑school friend group normalized sexual jokes, minimized harm, and ignored boundaries. That environment made things even harder for him, especially since he and his childhood friend both had their own trauma. Leaving that group was a big step toward protecting himself.

Now that he’s in therapy, he’s starting to see how much he tolerated in the past and how much he wants to live differently. It also makes sense that he struggles to trust men right now and feels disgusted with things he once went along with. He’s trying to grow, and that process can feel lonely and painful.

You’ve been trying to support him without pushing him, and that matters. You’re not responsible for solving his past or figuring out what happened — that’s something he’ll work through with a professional. What he needs most is exactly what you’re already trying to give: steadiness, patience, and space to heal at his own pace.

Try to gently encourage him to continue therapy (not in an urgent tone), to not push him to remember things or interpret his reactions for him, and instead, continue to offer him calm presence. Let him set the pace, and most importantly, take care of your own emotional wellbeing too.

(to be continued), Anita

It’s been 2 months and 5 days since you posted last (Nov 30, 2025).

How are you, dear Laven?

🤍 Anita

Dear Martha:

Have I noticed that it’s “difficult for a person to apologize or admit wrongdoing”?

Yes, of course, absolutely. It’s been difficult for me- not because I thought I did no wrong, but because I felt too much shame 😔 about anything and everything. So, processing my wrong behavior in my own mind was touching on too much shame and low self esteem. It hurt too much.

I am so much better at it now (acknowledging wrong behavior and sincerely apologizing) because there’s way, way less shame in the way.

“Going the extra mile” for people is something I’ve done too, only to notice there aren’t too many people going the extra mile for me.

I’ve been trying to reach closed people, emotionally closed, that is, as a compulsion at times. My mother was closed to me. I tried to reach her and failed, but kept trying.

And then, not long ago, someone reminded me (subconsciously) of my mother (closed, no heart for me) and my drive to reach out, to make that person open up to me was awakened.

A childhood drive to make my mother notice me, see 👀 me, love me

🤍 Anita

Dear Alessa:

I am sorry to read your boy is sick again 😞 and that he may have asthma. Is asthma genetic (I am using my phone, so I can’t look it up)?

I’ve been feeling uncomfortable for a while, physically, hoping to feel better eating yogurt rich with antibiotics.

Bogart is doing so much better! His energy level is back and although he doesn’t like the cone of shame (who would 🤔?), he’s better adjusted to it.

I think it’s more difficult for beagles to wear the cone than other dogs because they’re led by their noses?

I am glad 😊 that your son has a friend (or friends) and that you communicate with other mums.

I hope you and your son are sleeping 😴 💤 restfully at this time 🤍🙏

🤍 🤍 Anita

Dear Lulu:

You shared your story with so much care and concern for your boyfriend. Nothing about your post felt disrespectful or careless. You didn’t use names, and you were simply trying to understand how to support someone you love 🫶🌿✨

Your boyfriend is working hard in therapy, and you’re struggling alongside him. You deserve support too. I hope you don’t feel discouraged for reaching out. You’re navigating something difficult with a lot of compassion, and that really shows.

🤍 Anita

Finally he is lying on his dog bed (I removed more fuzz from his mouth before he settled down(after being taken out to pee which he did 😉, so I am hopeful we can.. all get along tonight.

Bogart just opened his eyes 👀 lying on his dog bed. 🐕, so plan is to proceed to human bed with Bogart because I’m definitely not going to leave him alone following surgery. I will share my bed 🛌 with Bogart + Cone

He’s adorable 😍

😍 🐕🌙 Anita

About how to support your boyfriend-

“provide a place where he can find peace and love”, “not to judge him or shut his discussions”, and “take care of yourself”-Thomas’s wise words 😊

Provide him the emotional SAFE place to express his thoughts, process his emotions, explore possibilities.

A no-pressure space, a space we all need, really.

🤍 Anita

Dear Martha:

I hope Sonia reads your valuable post and replies to you 🙏

What you went through sounds incredibly painful, especially after giving so much of yourself to that friendship for so many years. The way you kept showing up with loyalty and care says a lot about your character.

Ending a long friendship like that is heartbreaking, but it also sounds like an act of self‑respect. You deserved far better than the way you were treated. I’m glad you’re choosing yourself now, and it’s beautiful that this space gives you some peace. You’re not alone here.

🤍 Anita