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anita
ParticipantDear Frozenfireflies:
We explored your relationship with your husband in your first thread, ‘Negative Conflict Styles,’ from Dec 9, 2022, to Feb 22, 2023, and your relationship with your sister in this thread, from Feb 3–6, 2023. Rereading your posts today, I was struck by your remarkable self-awareness and intelligence—both rational and emotional—as well as your kindness and grace. It would be wonderful to hear from you again, whether about these two relationships or anything else happening in your life.
Dear Lucidity:
Thank you for sharing your story—it’s clear how much this relationship means to you and how deeply you’ve been hurt by the lack of effort from your sister. I can relate to two key aspects of what you’ve shared:
1) A Troubled Childhood: “Troubled household due to problematic parents.” Like you, I grew up in a difficult household with problematic parents. My parents divorced early on, and I was raised by my mother alongside my younger sister.
2) The Impact on Sibling Bonds: “Because of how we were raised, my sister and I have never been close.” Similarly, growing up in such an environment, my focus was entirely on managing the unpredictability of my mother. This left little room for me to bond with anyone, including my sister.
Growing up in a household filled with chronic stress and conflict can leave siblings emotionally drained, with little energy to invest in their relationship with one another. Competing for parental attention and praise can create distance, and if parents pit siblings against each other through comparisons or favoritism, it deepens that divide even further.
Siblings often cope with the challenges of a troubled household differently. For instance, one sibling might emotionally withdraw as a way to protect themselves, avoiding deep connections, while the other actively seeks relationships to fill the emotional void. These contrasting coping styles can lead to an emotional disconnect—one sibling may perceive the other as distant, while the other may feel overwhelmed or pressured by attempts at closeness.
Additionally, when siblings experience trauma or neglect, they might unintentionally associate each other with those painful memories. This can result in avoidance or emotional distance later in life.
Do you feel that any of this resonates with your experience?
One thing to consider is adjusting your expectations—not as giving up, but as a way of protecting your emotional health. You can express care for your sister without feeling solely responsible for maintaining the relationship. Accepting her as she is, while holding healthy boundaries, might help reduce feelings of sadness and frustration.
If it feels right, you could also gently share your feelings in a non-confrontational way. For example: “I always appreciate hearing from you—it brightens my day. I’d love for us to chat more often if possible.” This could encourage her without creating pressure.
Lastly, I encourage you to focus on nurturing relationships with others who value and respect your efforts. Her behavior is not a reflection of your worth—you absolutely deserve connections that bring you joy and fulfillment.
I hope this helps, and I’m wishing you clarity and peace as you navigate this.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Melinda:
I’m so sorry to read about everything you’ve been through. The loss of your son alone is devastating beyond words, but to also face betrayal, loss, and such an unrelenting series of hardships is unimaginable. It’s no wonder you’re feeling overwhelmed—it would be more than enough for anyone.
Losing the photos and recordings of your son must have been especially heartbreaking, and I’m so sorry that happened.
Take things one day at a time. It’s okay to feel lost or scared, but try to remind yourself of the small acts of courage you’re showing each day—whether it’s caring for your kitty and dog, facing the day despite the fear, or simply breathing through the pain. Those moments matter, and they’re proof of the strength you might not even realize you have.
I hope that the restoration company provides access to your belongings soon, and that each day ahead brings a little more peace. You deserve light in your life again, even if it feels impossibly far away right now. Please keep holding on—you’re stronger than you realize, and your story matters more than you know.
anita
anita
ParticipantYesterday, as I was walking down the hill, beautiful trees to my right and left (I noticed trees are beautiful alive or dead, upright or fallen down, even rotting, they are still beautiful in a thousand unique ways), I noticed that I (she) was not arguing with me, scrutinizing my thoughts, finding fault with my thoughts. I realized that 14 years since I last saw her, 12 years since I last heard her voice, she has been with me throughout all these no-contact years. It was nice not having her within me yesterday.
It is amazing how a foreign entity (her) can be an invader of the most private space, such as one own’s silent thoughts.
This morning, I “heard” her yelling at me when I perceived that what I was doing could be objectionable. It was not a loud yell, but quite muted, yet, it was still a disapproval that I heard.
Chased by disapproval, persecuted by relentless criticism.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Tom:
Thank you for the update! I’m glad to read that the call with the career shift company was helpful and gave you some actionable insights. Thinking broadly and connecting ideas back to your key values sounds like a great approach—it gives you the chance to explore new paths while staying grounded in what’s important to you.
It’s also reassuring to know that you’re not alone in how you’re feeling. Hearing that others share similar experiences can be such a comfort and a reminder that these transitions are part of a shared journey.
I know it’s not an easy road, but it’s clear that you’re approaching this with an open mind and a lot of determination, which is inspiring. Keep taking those small steps forward—you’re on the right track, and I’m confident you’ll make meaningful progress.
Wishing you a great weekend as well!
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Alessa:
Thank you for your kind and uplifting message—it means so much to me. 😊
Your aunt’s misunderstanding of “lol” gave me quite a chuckle! That story is both hilarious and endearing, and I can only imagine the unintended impact of her heartfelt messages. 😂
I’m deeply moved by your reflections on the bond between a child and parent, and the courage it took for you to walk away from an abusive relationship with someone you loved unconditionally. You captured such an important truth: while that love can be pure, it should never mean enduring unconditional suffering. Your strength in choosing yourself while still honoring that love is inspiring.
I understand what you mean about longing for sweetness you never truly experienced. That lingering ache—the “hole” you described—speaks so deeply to me. Your words remind me that filling that void comes from within, by cultivating self-love and embracing the compassion we are worthy of.
Alessa, your insight and empathy shine so brightly. What you said about my mother touched my heart more than I can say. It is comforting and affirming to read your words, and they mean so much coming from you. Thank you for reminding me of the truth of my loving nature—it’s something I’m still discovering, thanks to your support. ❤️
I am so grateful for the connection we share and the wisdom and kindness you bring to our conversations. You are such a special person, and I truly appreciate you.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Nichole:
I want to start by walking down memory lane. The first time you posted and the first time I replied to you was on August 21, 2018. At the time, you were living in Chicago in your mother’s apartment with your younger brother, nephew, and father after leaving Florida, where you had lived with a boyfriend who betrayed your trust. It was an incredibly difficult period for you. Two significant themes stand out from back then:
* Fears of Abandonment and Being Alone: These fears kept you tied to the relationship despite the pain. You shared, “I am so afraid to let go,” “I am afraid to lose him,” and “I have a fear of abandonment.”
* Patterns of Impulsivity and Reactivity: You left your boyfriend and Florida abruptly, followed by excessive calling and texting, confronting other women, and more. You expressed, “It is so hard to control my impulsivity sometimes,” and “I also have a terrible temper.”
On September 26, 2018—just ten days after your mother passed away—you posted again. You reflected on your lifelong role as a caretaker for your mother, often sacrificing your own needs. You wrote, “I felt like I wasn’t shown much love growing up and was more so a caretaker for my mom throughout my life.”- While you resented this dynamic, you also struggled with guilt for not doing more to help her in her final weeks, saying, “I can’t stop feeling guilt from not being able to save her… I am so deeply hurt and sad.” At that time, you were grieving the loss of both your mother and the relationship you left behind in Florida.
On November 26, 2018, you wrote: “Our father also lives with us, who was never really in our lives. He is recently clean from drugs almost two years for the first time in my life.”- That day, you acknowledged a history of neglect, addiction, and abuse within your family. You reflected on your codependent tendencies and caretaking role, which highlighted a recurring pattern of emotional dependence. You shared, “I just have no clue how to be alone or start a life of my own,” and expressed how putting others’ needs above your own had shaped your life.
On December 3, 2018, you expressed profound grief and guilt regarding your mother’s passing, saying, “I wish I could go back in time and be there. And save her.” You also described moving from anger toward her to feelings of love and understanding—reflecting growth and the beginnings of emotional reconciliation. Your emotional intelligence and desire to heal were evident.
Four days later, you wrote about your mother: “The problem I have is I have too much empathy. I put myself in her shoes.”- You noted how your empathy often led you to excuse others’ harmful actions. Even then, your ability to articulate your struggles and recognize patterns showed remarkable strength and potential for growth.
On December 13, 2018, you shared profound realizations about your emotional patterns. You wrote, “I realize I have been looking for love all along. I have been pleasing people in hopes that they would love me.”- This acknowledgment, that your tendency to please others at your own expense stemmed from a lifelong search for validation, marked a turning point in understanding yourself.
You further reflected: “It’s hard to realize I have been mainly abused and manipulated my whole life by my parents, my brother, men, and even strangers.”- You recognized how this abuse shaped your sense of self-worth and led to your codependency. You also wrote, “It is so hard to start having boundaries and learning myself and how to start even being a ‘self.’”- This highlighted the deep challenge of redefining your identity and setting boundaries after years of living for others.
At the time, you were torn between prioritizing your own growth and maintaining your role as the emotional anchor for your family. You described the emotional ups and downs, writing, “Some days I am confident I can and I have boundaries and feel stable, and then there are days like today where I wake up with no confidence and my codependency habits are flaring.”- These words reflected your courage in confronting deeply ingrained patterns while seeking clarity and independence.
On January 2, 2019, you shared that you had moved out of your mother’s apartment and were now living in your aunt’s basement. You wrote, “Now that I am here at my aunt’s I feel very lonely. All the things I was complaining about I miss… I miss my brother and even my father.”
We continued to communicate over 27 pages, with our last exchange on that thread being on August 19–20, 2019. Sometime along the way, you moved out of your aunt’s basement and rented your own apartment in Chicago.
On September 11, 2019, you started this thread, writing, “What will my life be now?” This question reflected your search for purpose and direction amidst significant life changes. A month later, on October 6, 2019, you shared your thoughts about returning to Florida: “My latest thought (not sure if this is survival) is going back to Florida.”
Ten pages into this thread, while seeking and receiving psychotherapy and psychiatric help, on January 8, 2022, by now living independently in Florida, you shared, “I think I’m doing better with fear and loneliness. Although I struggle still sometimes.”- While these challenges remained, you acknowledged your improvement, highlighting your ability to reflect on your progress and emotional growth.
Your words, “I am learning so much about life lately… we can change them slowly but surely,” revealed a deeper understanding of human struggles and your own capacity for transformation—a hopeful and empowering outlook.
You also wrote, “I still tend to isolate vs. reaching out to people who bring wisdom and joy to my life.”- Even though you acknowledged your isolating tendencies, you were taking proactive steps, like joining a women’s group, to counter this pattern.
Three pages later, you posted yesterday. Your most recent post reflects substantial progress in your personal journey, alongside your ongoing effort to find balance, purpose, and connection. Your reflections show gratitude, self-awareness, and a drive to make your life more fulfilling.
C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S Nichole on achieving a major milestone: “I bought that condo I always wanted! I closed on my condo 12/06/24!”
This incredible achievement represents your ability to set and achieve goals independently—a huge step toward your desired autonomy and stability.
In your words, “… I decided to try out a Zoom connecting event,”- You demonstrate how you are actively working to establish connections and break out of isolation, showing your commitment to personal growth and fostering a sense of belonging.
You shared about your father staying with you during your move: “I had a lot of capacity to love him and accept him as he is… Not the father I would have dreamed of but the one I have.”- This beautifully reflects your emotional maturity and ability to navigate complex relationships by accepting people for who they are, even when they fall short of your expectations.
Your reflections on friendships show your yearning for meaningful, trustworthy connections: “I wonder if friends who care and support you and respect boundaries are a thing.”-This desire highlights your growth in prioritizing authentic relationships, even as you navigate challenges with finding such connections.
Your ability to let go of an incompatible relationship shows remarkable emotional independence: “I realized I had to swallow who I was to be with [him]… I want to continue to grow and continue to be stable financially and in all areas.”- By letting go, you demonstrated progress in prioritizing your values and well-being over staying in situations out of empathy or guilt.
You wrote about work dissatisfaction: “Work has become quite boring to me and unfulfilling. I feel I have more potential.”- Your interest in obtaining a real estate license, despite feelings of resistance or self-doubt, reflects your longing for purpose and career growth.
Finally, you shared: “I am at a place where I feel ok most days. I feel more peaceful… but often can tame [anxiety] with tools I have learned throughout the years.”-This acknowledgment of improvement in managing anxiety and worry demonstrates your ability to apply coping skills and maintain emotional stability.
Nichole, your journey is a testament to resilience, growth, and evolving self-awareness. The purchase of your condo marks a significant achievement in your path toward independence and stability, reflecting your strength and determination to create a space that is truly your own.
As you consider new career goals, explore connections, and continue building a life filled with meaning and a growing emotional health, know that the progress you’ve made shines brightly. While challenges like loneliness, dissatisfaction, and navigating relationships remain, your ability to set goals, assert boundaries, and reflect on your emotions reveals great potential for continued growth.
As I revisited our conversations, I came to realize that we have more in common than I had previously thought. I’d like to delve into this shared connection in a separate post tomorrow.
I am grateful to have witnessed your remarkable transformation over the years, Nichole! You inspire me through your courage and perseverance. Keep building the life you envision, one step at a time—you are capable of extraordinary things.
anita
anita
ParticipantI am THRILLED to read from you, Nichole! Not focused this Sat night, will reply further Sun morning.
anita
anita
ParticipantIt was a marzipan cake. I thought marzipan was magic at the time, the consistency, the texture, the perfect sweetness.
There was no sweetness in the relationship with her, none that I experienced, not that I remember. There was sweetness in the cake though. I still have a huge sweet tooth, only I satisfy it with a combination of stevia and monk fruit sugar, natural and non caloric sources of sweetness.
How would have non sugar sweetness felt like, if it given to me by my mother?
Something I’d never know. Not because there was no emotional sweetness coming from her, but because there was so much bitterness, I couldn’t taste- from one point on- anything but bitterness coming from her. It may be like being bitten by someone so many times that when they kiss you, it feels like another bite.
If I ate marzipan cake and it would be bitter way too often, you don’t want to eat it anymore. it might have some sweet spots, but the bitter is overwhelming. Would one knowingly eat rat poison because parts of it are sweet?
anita
anita
ParticipantReflecting on the above, if everything is deeply connected, it wouldn’t have crossed Anthony de Mello’s mind to state what is unquestionable. As I see it, everything is deeply connected until it isn’t. Question is how to individually reconnect the disconnected parts within, and how to reconnect the individuals within society.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Devesh:
Thank you for your kind words—I’m truly glad that my perspective may be helpful to you. It means a lot to know that you feel a bit more confident and supported. You’re navigating a very challenging situation, and your openness and willingness to reflect are real strengths.
I’m here to guide and support you as you continue to explore your feelings and make thoughtful decisions. It’s clear how much you care about doing what’s best for both you and your girlfriend, and your commitment to understanding the situation shows your genuine heart.
Take your time to process everything, and don’t hesitate to reach out whenever you feel ready or need further guidance. You’re not alone in this, and I believe you’ll find the clarity and peace you’re searching for.
Wishing you strength and confidence as you move forward, Devesh.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear anonymous:
Thank you for your thoughtful message and for sharing your insights so openly, so good to read from you again!
I really admire your ability to reflect on life’s challenges and find meaning in them.
Your realization that the “waves” you face are a shared experience for everyone is truly profound. It speaks to your growing understanding and acceptance of life’s ups and downs. The imagery of waves—unsettling and noisy yet universal—is such a powerful way to describe this, and it highlights your ability to connect deeply with the human experience.
Your guiding principles, “embrace the impermanence” and “this too shall pass,” are wise and grounding. They reflect acceptance of life’s transient nature and the hope that every difficult moment will eventually give way to calm waters.
Remember, progress often does not look like a straight line—it’s natural to feel like you’re returning to “square one” at times. What matters is your ability to pick yourself up and restart the journey. It’s clear from your message that you’re learning, growing, and navigating these waves with grace, even when it feels difficult.
I’m grateful to read that my messages bring you comfort, and I hope you continue to find strength in the wisdom you are gaining. I’m here for you as you navigate these waves and appreciate the opportunity to be part of your journey.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Devesh:
Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad that my message brought you some comfort during this confusing time. It’s clear how much you care for your girlfriend and want to make the best decision for both of you. And yes, you are welcome to have your girlfriend communicate with me by starting her own thread in these forums (there’s no private messaging available here).
From what you’ve shared, this situation has been very difficult for a long, long time. The repeated cycle of almost breaking up and getting back together must be exhausting for both of you, especially since the underlying issues remain unresolved.
I want to offer you a perspective that might help you understand some of the anxiety and fear of commitment you’ve described. Often, as adults, we carry unresolved conflicts or emotions from our early life into our current relationships, even without realizing it.
For example, if a child grows up with a parent who criticized them a lot or mistreated them emotionally, the child may feel trapped or powerless in that dynamic. Over time, that feeling of being “stuck” can create a deep fear of getting trapped in any relationship. Even as an adult, this fear can persist, making it difficult to fully embrace a partnership—even with someone who has all the qualities of a perfect and caring partner, like you described your girlfriend to be.
It’s possible that some of your anxiety might stem from experiences like these, where the fear isn’t about your girlfriend herself but about what being in a committed relationship might mean for you emotionally. Exploring this further could provide you with valuable insight and help you navigate these feelings with greater clarity and peace.
Devesh, understanding yourself better is a powerful step forward, and I believe you have the strength and courage to face these deeper questions. You’re already showing that by seeking guidance and reflecting so thoughtfully. Wishing you clarity and healing as you continue on this path.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Molie:
First a little theory: black-and-white thinking and all-or-nothing thinking involve viewing things in extremes without considering the middle ground.
Black-and-White Thinking involves categorizing everything into extremes or absolutes, such as “good” or “bad,” “right” or “wrong,” without acknowledging complexity or nuance. For example, believing someone is either completely trustworthy or completely untrustworthy, without considering that trust may depend on circumstances: someone might be trustworthy with financial matters but not when it comes to keeping secrets. Someone who was once untrustworthy may regain trust over time by demonstrating consistent honesty.
All-or-Nothing Thinking focuses on polarized extremes in terms of success, outcomes, or expectations; often tied to perfectionism or unrealistic expectations. Examples, “If I don’t win first place, I’m a total failure.”, “If I don’t stick to my diet perfectly, I might as well give up entirely.
Children start with black-and-white and all-or-nothing thinking, which is a normal part of early cognitive development. They see things as absolute and struggle to understand complexity or ambiguity. As children grow and their brains develop, they gain the ability to consider multiple perspectives and understand nuance. By adolescence and adulthood, most individuals develop a greater capacity for seeing shades of gray and dealing with the complexities of life.
For a child in an unpredictable and frightening environment, black-and-white thinking provides a sense of control and certainty. In a world that feels chaotic, rigid absolutes can create the illusion of order and safety. For example: if something is either “right” or “wrong,” a child may believe they can avoid punishment by staying on the “right” side. Also, when anxiety is high, processing nuanced or conflicting ideas becomes overwhelming, so the mind seeks clarity through extremes.
And now, I’ll share a bit about my struggles with these matters, wondering to what extent, if any, you can relate:
My mother often criticized what I said, how I said it, and even what I failed to say. In an endless effort to avoid her criticisms, I began scrutinizing my thoughts, trying to get everything “just right” in my own head in the hope of preventing her disapproval. This led to chronic overthinking.
My mother was volatile, prone to temper tantrums and histrionics, including threats to kill herself or even me. As a result, I was a deeply anxious and often terrified child. Looking back, I can see how that constant state of fear and anxiety hindered my ability to develop complex thinking, such as seeing shades of gray. My overwhelming need for clarity drove me to seek absolutes, as nuance was too confusing to process in such a stressful environment. I didn’t feel safe enough to explore complexities—black-and-white thinking felt safer, so I clung to the simplicity of early childhood patterns of thought.
Using the word Stuck in the title you chose for your thread, I have been Stuck in early childhood thinking, and only recently did I start nuancing my thinking.
Reflecting on it, your 2021 HOCD seems to highlight all-or-nothing thinking. It appeared that you struggled with the idea of fitting into one rigid category—entirely straight (and never having a single thought about women), entirely lesbian, or bisexual—without considering the natural nuance of human thoughts and experiences. It’s worth noting that everyone has a range of thoughts, and those thoughts alone don’t define identity.
In May 2022, you mentioned “ROCD tendencies.”- I wonder if this also involved all-or-nothing thinking—perhaps an unrealistic expectation that everything in a relationship must be perfect, or else the relationship feels entirely wrong.
Yesterday, you shared: “In July 2024, I graduated from university… when I graduated, that time in my life was honestly blissful – I felt so positive and happy…”- I wonder if, according to all-or-nothing thinking, there was an expectation for that bliss to be permanent. If so, that would have been an unrealistic expectation, as life naturally ebbs and flows.
You also wrote: “I was so unhappy at my new job which I thought would be amazing and fulfilling, which it isn’t… and in some way (I’m not entirely sure how) I had started to question my career pathway that I had been so sure of.”- I wonder if an expectation that any job could be amazing and fulfilling forever contributed to your doubts about your career path.
Regarding your fitness journey, you shared: “My fitness journey has fluctuated where I would try and workout every day, to no days.”- This seems to reflect all-or-nothing behavior—pushing for “every day” consistency or giving up entirely.
You ended your original post with: “Ultimately I have good health and a lovely family and I think I have come far in the past few months but I still trip up here and then. I just think I had big expectations for this year which have not been met and I just want to make sense of this period in my life.”- I see a touch of nuance here, but perhaps there’s an opportunity to further refine or “nuance” those big expectations. Could your expectations further shift to allow for life’s ups and downs, recognizing that progress and fulfillment rarely follow a straight or perfect path?
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Mollie:
Thank you for your response and for continuing to share your thoughts so openly. I’d be happy to highlight the parallels I mentioned and outline the growth I see in you since your earlier posts.
Patterns Across Your Posts:
(1) Overthinking: In both your earlier posts and your current one, you express a tendency to overanalyze situations and thoughts, whether about your sexuality, your relationships, or your career. For example, in November 2021, you mentioned questioning your identity and overthinking your emotions toward women. Similarly, in your current post, you mention feeling “stuck in an awful loop” of discontent, overthinking decisions, and questioning your expectations for life.
(2) Self-Doubt: I notice self-doubt in how you second-guess your own choices. In May 2022, you mentioned questioning your current relationship due to past experiences of heartbreak. In your recent post, you mention feeling unsure about your ability to form connections or make decisions, such as whether to stay in your current city or change your career path.
(3) Desire for Clarity: Across all your posts, there’s a longing for certainty—a desire to understand yourself and find direction. Whether it’s clarity about your sexuality in your earlier posts or clarity about your career, relationships, and life circumstances in your recent one, this is a recurring theme that reflects your introspective nature.
Your Growth Since Then:
(1) Self-Awareness: Over time, your ability to recognize your own patterns and challenges has significantly deepened. For example, in May 2022, you reflected on how past trauma influenced your obsessive thoughts and acknowledged the need to avoid self-sabotage. Similarly, in your current post, you show self-awareness in recognizing when expectations aren’t aligning with reality and identifying areas for change.
(2) Decision-Making: In your earlier posts, you were struggling with overwhelming thoughts and feelings. Now, you’ve shown the courage to take significant steps forward—like resigning from your job, recognizing your values in relationships, and returning to university. These thoughtful decisions reflect a growing ability to align your actions with your priorities.
(3) Perspective Shift: Your reflections now show a more balanced perspective. For instance, you acknowledge both gratitude for your blessings and discontent with your struggles. This ability to hold space for conflicting emotions demonstrates emotional maturity.
(4) Resilience: Despite the challenges you faced—whether questioning your identity, navigating relationships, or managing loneliness—you continued to persevere and seek growth. Your openness to new opportunities (like university and possible connections) and your proactive approach to healing (like gratitude practices and meditation) show strength and determination.
Mollie, I know it can be hard to see your own progress, but your willingness to reflect and take action speaks volumes about your growth. It’s clear you’re navigating life’s complexities with courage and resilience, even when it feels messy.
I will send you a 2nd post in which I will share about my own struggles with overthinking, self-doubt and the desire for clarity- next.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear devesh tiwaro:
This is my understanding of your situation:
You feel torn between your desire for freedom—to live life on your terms, explore new experiences, and avoid long-term commitments—and your girlfriend’s expectations of marriage and stability. This inner conflict is causing significant anxiety and stress.
Your feelings of guilt, as expressed in “I feel like a demon,” indicate that you’re struggling with the morality of your actions and how they are affecting your girlfriend.
Throughout your seven-year relationship, you have engaged in multiple casual relationships, which suggests difficulty with commitment and fidelity. It seems you find fulfillment outside of the current relationship dynamic.
Describing yourself as a “play type man” shows self-awareness of your behavior, though you haven’t addressed the root causes behind your inability or unwillingness to remain loyal.
Your longing to ‘shift to another country’ and ‘explore other people’ highlights your priority for adventure and independence over settling down. It appears you feel constrained, even suffocated, by the long-term nature of your current relationship.
Although you had open conversations with your girlfriend, they often end in arguments and emotional reactions, such as her crying. This reflects the difficulty in bridging your differing needs and goals, leading to unproductive communication.
You describe your girlfriend as “loyal, caring, and struggling,” and it’s clear she is fully committed to the relationship, even desiring marriage. This creates a significant mismatch, as you do not share her vision of a future together.
Her tears and sadness indicate how deeply invested and hurt she is by the situation. At the same time, your anxiety and guilt show you are also emotionally overwhelmed. Both of you are suffering, but for different reasons.
Her response, “if you’re feeling bored with me then it’s fine to leave me,” suggests she feels rejected and may even be blaming herself for the state of the relationship.
At its core, the relationship seems misaligned in goals, values, and emotional needs. Your desire for personal freedom contrasts sharply with her hope for long-term commitment and stability, creating ongoing tension.
While you’re trying to avoid hurting your girlfriend, your continued presence in the relationship appears to prolong the pain for both of you. Staying out of guilt rather than genuine commitment risks causing even greater emotional harm over time.
This situation reflects a deep incompatibility between you and your girlfriend. While you don’t intend to hurt her, your actions and lack of commitment are already causing pain. Staying in the relationship out of obligation seems likely to extend the suffering for both parties.
The healthiest step may be to have one final, honest, and compassionate conversation with your girlfriend. Clearly communicate your feelings and intentions. While this may be painful for her initially, it could allow both of you to move forward in ways that align with your individual desires and needs.
Further advice:
(1) Take time to better understand your feelings, priorities, and patterns, such as struggles with commitment. If you’re comfortable, you can explore these here in your thread. Therapy or counseling might also help you gain clarity and better understanding.
(2) Avoid sending mixed signals—for example, considering engagement while expressing disinterest in marriage. Embrace honesty fully and commit to living authentically, both for your well-being and for hers.
(3) Shift the focus from solely the breakup => building understanding and compassion for yourself and for her. Doing so can create closure that makes it possible for both of you to heal and grow individually.
(4) Remember that while you can show compassion, you cannot control how your girlfriend feels or reacts. Accept what you cannot change, and have the courage to focus on the things that are within your power to change.
I hope these suggestions help guide you toward clarity and peace in this difficult situation. Wishing you strength and growth as you navigate the next steps with care.
anita
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