Dear Mei:

I would like to reread your post in the morning (evening here). It will help me understand better if you explain a bit the nature of the physical intimacy problems, in general I’d not in detail. I’d you feel comfortable

Regardless, I will be back to your thread in the morning, and I hope you will feel better soon!🦹‍♂️💛

Dear Sophie:

Vanilla ice cream with hot, melted chocolate on top—I know for sure now. See? Healing is possible!

You and I, and our mothers, share much in common. If our discussion is helpful to you, we can continue for as long as you’d like. There are members in these forums with whom I’ve communicated regularly for months, and with some, on and off, for years.

I’d like to reply to you in this post by quoting parts of what you’ve shared, responding to each, then quoting again, and so on, starting with your initial post. I imagine this post will end up being quite long.

“I grew up with a mother”- I didn’t truly grow up or outward. Instead, I grew inward, hiding within. My identity remained hidden, unknown, lacking the safe and loving environment it needed to develop.

She, my mother, was too volatile, too unpredictable, accusatory, aggressive. I was scared. I froze and remained frozen for a long, long time.

“To complicate matters, she DOES have an autism diagnosis”-

From So Special Too/ autism and motherhood: “Autistic individuals often experience sensory sensitivities, social difficulties, and heightened emotional responses, which can affect how they interact with their children and handle the everyday demands of parenting… Despite these challenges, autistic moms bring unique strengths to their parenting. Their heightened attention to detail and deep empathy often translate into an ability to tune into their children’s needs profoundly and meaningfully…

“Autistic mothers tend to be incredibly focused, attentive, and dedicated to ensuring their children’s well-being. Because they may see the world differently, they often approach parenting from a fresh perspective, emphasizing structure and predictability—traits that can be beneficial for a child’s development.. Their heightened empathy often means they understand their children’s needs even without words. The analytical thinking that comes with autism may also make them excellent problem-solvers when faced with parenting challenges.”

Back to your initial post, Sophie: “she lacks any form of empathy at all.”- this contrasts with the above. lack of empathy is not a characteristic of people on the autistic spectrum.

“When I was younger, she would look at my achievements and compare them to her own, she would blame me for breakdowns in her relationships, she would tell me that I was jealous of her life”- these behaviors are not characteristics of autism. Autistic individuals may struggle with understanding social cues, expressing emotions conventionally, or adapting to changes, but these traits do not lead to the kind of behaviors you described, Sophie.

However, narcissistic tendencies or unresolved emotional struggles—could contribute to such behaviors. While autistic mothers may face unique parenting challenges, they often exhibit deep care and commitment to their children, even if their expressions of love differ from neurotypical norms.

“The pattern that I have experienced with my Mum is that she bounces from drama to drama – falling out with relatives, neighbours, friends and partners, repeatedly.”-

Again, While autistic mothers may have unique parenting styles, While autism can affect emotional expression and social interactions, they typically do not exhibit manipulative or self-centered behaviors as a defining trait.

Some personality disorders that could align with the behaviors you mentioned include:

* Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) – Characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. Individuals with NPD may compare themselves to others, blame others for their problems, and struggle with emotional reciprocity.

* Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) – Marked by intense emotional instability, fear of abandonment, and difficulty maintaining relationships. Some individuals with BPD may blame others for relationship breakdowns or struggle with self-image.

* Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD) – Involves excessive attention-seeking behavior, emotional overreaction, and a strong desire for validation. People with HPD may feel threatened by others’ achievements and seek to maintain control over relationships.

“I am the only one of my siblings who still has any contact with my Mum”- I suppose they’ve given up on her—but you haven’t. Maybe they find comfort in knowing she has you, allowing them to step away from her life.

“I only really exist when I am helping to fix a problem in some way.”- This is your identity—her helper, the fixer of her problems. If you were to cut contact with her, you would lose this part of yourself.

“I am in my mid-30s, I feel like I have no sense of self, no identity of my own, I don’t know what my hobbies are, and I don’t trust myself or my feelings at all.”- With so little sense of identity, letting go of the part that does exist—being the fixer of your mother’s problems—would be especially difficult.

“He is such a kind person – my safe space and someone who I trust completely.”- I wish you would shift your loyalty—from the person who provided you with an unsafe place and is not worthy of your trust (your mother)—to someone who does offer you a safe place and is truly deserving of your trust.

“He says he feels like I disappear into a black hole for weeks on end, before re-emerging.”- Your mother creates and recreates these black holes for you, overwhelming you emotionally and leading you to withdraw in an effort to protect yourself from emotional collapse.

“Whenever I try to go no/have less contact, I inevitably cave, feel guilty/like a bad daughter, worry, etc. Particularly, also, because she does have an autism diagnosis… What’s the autism, what’s the narcissism?”-

it is possible for someone to be falsely diagnosed with autism, as autism spectrum disorder (ASD) shares overlapping traits with other conditions, including personality disorders, ADHD, and anxiety disorders. Misdiagnosis can occur due to the complexity of autism and the lack of a definitive medical test.

I am reading that In the UK, autism diagnoses have increased significantly, with a 787% rise between 1998 and 2018. While this suggests better awareness, it also raises concerns about potential overdiagnosis.

In general, mental health misdiagnosis is surprisingly common, with studies estimating that up to 66% of patients with certain conditions are initially misdiagnosed.

“I have been conditioned my whole life to believe that she is a victim and that I am responsible for what happens to her”- In reality, you have been her victim, and she is fully responsible for having victimized you.

“I also do want her to be okay. But I also want myself to be okay”- but she isn’t okay, is she?

* You wrote earlier in your initial post: “I become unwell (physically and mentally) – meanwhile, she will then be completely fine after a week or so, before moving on to the next thing and we start the whole cycle again.”- meaning, she is okay before she is yet again not okay.

This reminds me of my mother—she would temporarily unload her angst, hurt, shame, and anger onto me, finding brief relief. But each time, those feelings returned, and she had to do it again, perpetuating the cycle.

“I don’t think it’s okay that I sacrifice my own life for someone else”- for someone else’s temporary relief.

“how do I find the strength to put myself first when it’s not something I’ve ever done before?”- I believe it comes down to identity—what you, Sophie, truly value. If justice is something you hold deeply, it could become a defining part of who you are, replacing the role you’ve played until now as the temporary fixer of your mother’s problems.

Justice would mean no longer sacrificing your own life to provide fleeting relief for someone who has repeatedly mistreated you.

“Sometimes I just feel like a passenger in my own life”- I’ve often felt like a passenger in my own life, drifting without control. I keep picturing myself moving to the driver’s seat, finally taking charge.

I will continue with your second post next.

anita

I should add a bit about my personal experience, Sophie:

My mother fit the combo of Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and Histrionic Personality Disorder), with a touch of other personality disorders.

I was very, very, very enmeshed with her- way past childhood.

I would say the vast majority of my adulthood was taken over by what she meant to me, in my mind, E V E R Y T H I N G.

There was nothing I wouldn’t have done for her, if I could, and I did all that my diminished-self was able to do for her.

Emotionally, she was my child, and I was her mother (I was indeed a parentified child).

When I finally cut contact with her (I was fifty years old), I thought she would fall apart, that she would collapse, that she would seek me out, that she couldn’t live without me. I projected my love for into her: it was me who couldn’t live without her.

To my surprise, she sent me one card following my decision, and that is all.

I didn’t mean that much to her because she wasn’t able to .. love me.

I mean, she didn’t even see me. How could she love me if she didn’t even notice me as a person, as an entity separate from her, as not an extension of her. She wasn’t able. She was too sick. And there was nothing I could have ever done to change this sad, very sad fact.

As an adult, I felt like a ship in a stormy sea, not able to guide my way, a subject to the wind, any which way the wind would take me.

When asked in an ice cream shop which ice cream flavor I would like, I couldn’t answer. I didn’t know. My identity was that diminished.

This is what a dominant, loud, personality-disordered mother would do to you.

I’ve been on the healing path since sometime after I cut contact with her and I am very happy that I am on this path still.

anita

Dear Sophie:

It is absolutely okay to post here and at any length

I am using my phone, so this will be short.

First, I wanted to say, as I read your post, I felt that I was reading my own words. The way you express yourself and the content is very familiar to me. My mother was similar to yours.

By the way, did you think of her as fitting the Histrionic Personality Disorder diagnosis as well?

I think that referring her to adult social services resources and having no contact with her is the solution. for your sake and for your husband’s.

As far as you expecting overwhelming guilt, consider this: she doesn’t experience empathy you said that much. What it means is that she will not be losing a person she loves.she won’t have a broken heart. In other words, it won’t be a big deal to her (outside some drama to follow),

What do you think. Sophie?

Anita