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anitaParticipantYou served in her country (military) 10 years ago, but did not meet her during your service. Two years later you started a LDR with her while she was studying in another country, all online, never having met her until most recen⁷tly you met her for the first time ever (for three days)?
In those 8 years, you never dated anyone, and neither did she? So from the age of 23 to 31 you did LD with her, no real life dating with anyone?
anitaParticipantServing in the military?
anitaParticipantContinued:
AA: Tell me, tell me more (I hear you wanting to tell me more)
LGA (or GA): too long of a life to live in silence.. not really silence. Not being heard. Not being heard.
AA: What did you say that wasn’t heard?
LGA/ GA: I said: “I love you, Ima”. I said it loudly many times. I said: “I will do anything, everything for you, Ima!” (feeling emotional).
I said: “Listen to me, Ima, I am on your side, I’ll climb the tallest mountain for you! I love you!!!”
AA: And she didn’t hear you..?
GA: .. I think, I.. she heard me.
AA: But…
GA: She didn’t want to give me the power in the thought that I could help her, that I could have climbed that mountain for her.
She needed me weak.
AA: Because?
GA: to feel power. Giving me a sense of autonomy or agency (adult words, I know) meant to her a loss of power over me.
I was like a toy for her, a wished-for toy- to dress, to feed, to wash with no resistance, no autonomy, no agency. A toy. A thing-toy.
AA: What would you say was the worst thing she did to you (I hear you wanting to tell me)?
GA: Make me a Thing. She made me a thing.
AA: I hear you feeling overwhelmed. Do you need a break?
GA: Yes, I feel scared. I feel overwhelmed.
AA: Later. I love you, GA.
AA and GA
anitaParticipantContinued:
AA: Tell me more about the fear GA (Girl Anita) * I noticed yesterday in the post right above, that I was talking with an older LGA.
GA: I had to be a big girl because I had to take care of mother. Someone had to.
Only she wouldn’t let me.
Someone had to!
AA: I am here with you, GA. You don’t have to be the adult with me. I am your adult. Be my girl.
She didn’t let you.. how?
GA: She said I was a nobody, a nothing.
AA: And that hurt a lot, didn’t it?
GA: Terribly. It hurt a whole lot, lots and lots and lots.
AA: I hear you, GA, my something, my Everything. You are.
LGA: So, I don’t have to be a Nothing, a Nobody anymore?
AA: No, no.. LGA. No more of that. You are a Someone, you are My Someone.
LGA: You love me?
AA: Yes, I love you. I love you.
LGA: For sure?
AA: For sure.
LGA (a sigh of relief).
AA: The fear.. how’s the fear in you, LGA?
GA: That of being ALONE, nothing to lean against, nothing solid to stand on. Instead, crawling, crawling through life, standing, falling and back to crawling in no particular direction. A lifetime of that.
AA: Here I am. Give me your hand. Walk with me. Erect, looking straight ahead- no longer looking down, no longer scared to be put down by anyone, no more, never again.
LGA, GA and AA
anitaParticipantDear Ana:
I don’t know how to find previous threads on the topic other than going page by page of Lists of Topics, looking for those. Maybe there’s an easier way to locate such? (I am low-tech, I wouldn’t know).
I am posting again because after I submitted the above, I remembered a long conversation I had with an Indian wife (or European, I don’t remember), or maybe it was a few discussions with a few women, long time ago, here in the forums.
I remember my analysis at the time, put simply: Indian women (not all, I suppose, but the ones I had conversations about)-as young women, and then in context of their MILs- they took on the culturally approved submissive role (submissive to their parents, their husbands, their MILs).
And then, they got their chance to flip the role, to finally be on top and that context was.. with their daughters in law. That’s when and where the MIL from Hell appears 😤🔥😩💥🙄💫😬🧨💣🧨⚡🏃♀️🏃♀️💨
Again, that’s my analysis at the time based on a few stories and long communications with the DIL, here in the forums.
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantDear Ana:
You are in a difficult situation, Ana 😟
I’ve been active in these forums every day for over 10 years and came across many stories from women, mostly Indian, who married Indian men and lived in joint family households (living with his parents and sometimes extended family). A few stories were from women who were Westerners.
The number one theme in the stories of Western women (here and in blogs elsewhere) is indeed the loss of privacy: the constant presence of family members, little time alone with the husband, family members entering rooms without knocking and feeling “watched” or evaluated. Many women say they underestimated how intense this would feel.
Western women often describe needing permission for outings, being expected to inform the family of their whereabouts, feeling infantilized and being expected to “check in” constantly, all which feels like a loss of autonomy.
Even in modern families, women often report being expected to cook daily, serving elders first, eating after others, managing household chores, and being judged for not doing things “the Indian way”
.
And there’re the infamous mother‑in‑law dynamics: women often describe MILs who micromanage them, who expect obedience, criticize for cooking, clothing, or habits; MILs who are being emotionally manipulative, competing for the son’s attention, and.. feeling like they (the wives) are never “good enough”. This is not universal — but extremely common.Many women say that in the context of a joint family household, the husband becomes less emotionally available, that he prioritizes parents’ needs (I remember this particular complaint in stories here), that he avoids conflict with his family, and therefore sides with his mother against his wife and expects the wife to “adjust” (again, I clearly remember this complaint here in the forums. I wish I could locate those threads). All this can create loneliness/ emotional isolation for the wife.
Also, there’s a communication style differences in regard to Western directness vs. Indian indirectness leading to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and feeling like issues are never addressed openly.
Many women describe feeling excluded from conversations, being talked about in another language (I remember this complaint vividly), and feeling like they don’t belong
But it’s not all negative — many women also describe meaningful positives. Some women love always having people around, having a built‑in childcare and a sense of teamwork, emotional closeness, and feeling part of a large, warm family
Some women form close bonds with sisters‑in‑law, loving relationships with parents‑in‑law and a sense of belonging. This depends heavily on the family’s openness. Some households are rigid; others are flexible.
* Across stories, the husband’s role is the biggest predictor of success. Women do well when the husband sets boundaries with his family, supports his wife emotionally, doesn’t expect her to “adjust” to everything, communicates openly and prioritizes the marriage
* Women struggle when the husband avoids conflict, sides with his parents, expects her to fit in without support and dismisses her feelings.
Some women thrive in a communal environment. Others feel suffocated.
In your place, I would ask very specific, practical, and emotional‑reality questions before making the leap, if I would: Will we have our own bedroom and bathroom? Are there spaces in the home that are considered “off limits”? Do family members enter rooms without knocking? Will we have time alone together in the evenings or weekends?… Who cooks? Who cleans? What chores will be expected of me? Is cooking daily expected? Will I be expected to serve elders or eat after others?.. and the make‑or‑break category of questions to the husband: If there’s a conflict between me and your family, how will you handle it? Will you support me if I need boundaries? Are you comfortable saying “no” to your parents? How will you make sure our marriage stays a priority?…
What is your mother’s personality like? Does she expect obedience or independence? How does she handle disagreements? Does she expect me to follow her way of doing things? How involved is she in your daily life? Does she expect to make decisions for us? Will I be expected to inform the family when I go out? Is it okay for me to have my own friends and social life? Are there expectations about clothing inside or outside the home? Are there expectations around modesty or dress? Is it okay if I need alone time? How do you and your family handle privacy?
How does your family handle conflict? Do they talk openly or indirectly? Are disagreements discussed or avoided? The answers to these 3 questions are extremely important and it’s a problem if the potential future husband does not answer these questions directly.
I remember a thread here where a woman experienced her Indian boyfriend as independent when the two of them lived in Europe but when the two of them married and lived in India in a joint household with his parents.. he switched to a boy, totally obedient to his parents (or to his mother, I don’t remember). He reverted to his role as a child.
I hope this is somewhat helpful..? I hope to read more from you, Ana.
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantDear Nichole:
I am feeling better, thank you, Nichole! And Bogart the beagle 🐶💛🐾 says Hi
It makes sense that talking to your brothers felt comforting for a moment and then suddenly painful — that kind of emotional whiplash is incredibly draining, especially given everything you’ve lived through.
You worked hard to protect your peace these past months, and it’s understandable that this situation pulled you back into contact. Anyone in your position would feel shaken.
Whatever you decide about the wake, you deserve to choose the option that feels safest and most supportive for you. There’s no ‘right’ way to navigate this. Your wellbeing matters.
How are you feeling about the idea of attending the wake — or choosing not to?
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantHey Confused:
I read, in your recent post, that you were not put off by the idea of locating to her country, and that you visited it plenty of times.
Hmm, I was just wondering, out of curiosity, why you visited her, in her country, only once during the 8-months LDR?
Curious Anita
anitaParticipantHi Renn: I’m glad you ended the relationship that wasn’t a good one!
Hi Renn’s friend:
You shared that your boyfriend, who hasn’t been very verbally affectionate or flirtatious, was “super into working out and physically attractive” when you met him and sometime after but has “stopped trying as much as he doesn’t feel like he needs to ‘win me over’ anymore”.
Recently you went out with a friend, and you ended up speaking to another guy whom you found “very physically attractive”. He’s been messaging you a lot, being “very flirtatious”. You feel excited when he messages you.
“I’ve been in a relationship for 3ish years and have never looked at anyone else twice, very happy with my boyfriend… I do feel loved by him, and we get on super well… Any advice would be appreciated, why has this guy suddenly got to me!”-
It actually makes a lot of sense that this guy caught your attention. What you described sounds less like ‘falling for someone else’ and more like a very human reaction to getting a type of attention you haven’t felt in a while.
Your boyfriend sounds steady, loving, and comfortable — but also not very verbally affectionate or flirtatious. When someone new comes along who is expressive, flirty, and clearly attracted to you, it can wake up parts of you that haven’t been stimulated in a long time.
The important thing is not to judge yourself, but to get curious about what your reaction to him is telling you about your needs. Maybe you’re craving more flirtation, more effort, or more feeling ‘wanted’ in your current relationship. Those needs are valid, and they can be talked about with your partner.
The excitement you feel is real, but it’s also a signal — not a verdict. You get to decide what to do with it.
Why this guy “got to you”: 1. He represents novelty- Long-term relationships become familiar and predictable. A new person = dopamine spike.
2. He gives you a type of attention you’re not getting- Your boyfriend isn’t very flirtatious or verbally expressive. This new guy is the opposite — expressive, interested, enthusiastic. That contrast is powerful.
3. He makes you feel desired- Being desired activates ego, self-esteem, sexual energy, curiosity. It can be intoxicating.
4. He reminds you of the early “spark”- you said your boyfriend used to try harder physically and romantically. This new guy is giving you the early-stage energy you miss.
5. You may have unspoken needs in your relationship- Not unmet love, but unmet flirtation, effort, or romantic energy. The new guy highlights that gap.
6. You’re not immune to attraction just because you’re committed- being in a relationship doesn’t turn off the part of the brain that notices chemistry.
7. He arrived at a moment of vulnerability- you’ve been with your boyfriend for years. Comfort can sometimes feel like stagnation. A new person can feel like a jolt of aliveness.
Your reaction to this guy doesn’t mean that you don’t love your boyfriend, or that the relationship with him is doomed; nor does it mean that you’re a bad partner, or that you’re “meant” to be with the new guy. It means you’re human, you’re craving something you’re not currently getting, and you need to reflect before acting.
I want to add that you know your boyfriend as a person, but you don’t know the new guy. He represents some things for you (novelty, flirtatious attention, excitement, etc.), but you don’t know his character, his values, his ability to love long-term, etc.
I would love to read your thoughts, Renn’s friend about what I wrote here. And of course, Renn- you can share your thoughts as well.
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantOops, the middle messed up part- all of us can do better, even she can do better.
anitaParticipantI am glad my words were comforting, Confused, you did your best 👌 with what you had.
Andt 3rd few he thy free daw remember, all of us can do better, including her.
May peace be with you tonight, and with me, and with her
🤍✨️🌙 Anita
anitaParticipantI must have flagged my own post for inappropriate context, oh well.. be back to you Nichole Tues morning
anitaParticipantThis reply has been reported for inappropriate content.
* I am using my phone (my new dog destroyed my 🖥), so mispellings: “none of.. should cost you.. ” etc. Back to you tomorrow
anitaParticipantMy goodness, only a few minutes ago, you submitted a post for me, close to 8 pm here, close to 11 pm East Coast.
I will reply further Tues morning, but for now, bone of your living family members should cost tou mental-emotional health.
You matter, what you feel, what you worked on matters. Take your side, be loyal to YOU!
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantHey 👋 Confused:
You never intended to hurt her, Confused.
You care about hhaving hurt her because you are a good person.
I know you’re a good person because we’ve been communicating in these 11 pages, I think (just passed the 10th page)
I accept your feelings and I know you’re a good 👍 person.
I too hurt people unintentionally. It’s about gaining clarity and doing better, one hour, one day at a time.
May you find some peace in my words and within yourself.
🤍✨️✌️ Anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.