Dear Peter:

I’ve been reflecting on our discussions, and it occurred to me that I may be able to offer some helpful feedback. As someone who has read through many of your posts—perhaps more than any other member besides yourself—I’ve noticed how consistent you’ve been over the years in your responses and the themes you explore.

Your honesty and depth of thought stand out, and you’ve remained true to your perspective. At the same time, I didn’t notice significant shifts in awareness or new understandings developing over time (though, of course, I haven’t read everything, and I may have missed important moments).

It makes me curious—do you feel your perspective has evolved since 2016, or do you see your understanding as something that was already solidified back then?

anita

Dear Peter:

I think you answered my questions back on April 2, 2018, exactly 7 years ago 😲: “It is an interesting paradox that it takes a strong and healthy ego to detach itself from the Self… The problem arises when we attach our sense of Self to the ego… we unconsciously attach the self and consciousness to our experiences, thoughts and or emotions. “I” (which is a construct of language) becomes attached to a sense of identity… I am my experiences, I am my thoughts, I am my emotions, I am my ego… I am a construct of language… and we end up in knots, a plaything of emotions and manipulations… a consciousness that is fixated on a emotion, thoughts, experience and all the pain that that brings… any letting go evolves a kind of dying. We make space for something else to emerge. It is a leap into uncertainty. A part of the ego that we cling is the idea that we can control the life/death/life process that is LIFE. Letting go of that is scary so we hang on and the more we cling the more we suffer… and the more we cling…. until we let go… Equals “dying” is painful…. There is a time for everything including attaching our sense of self to our ego and the language construct “I” (which is mistaking the map for the territory). As we awaken to the process we develop a healthy sense of self that “knows” when its time to let it go and make room for what comes next.”-

– Your perspective suggests that healing is a process, not an instant shift—that detachment becomes possible only after certain internal work is done. Your words imply that forcing detachment too soon, before the self is ready, isn’t helpful. You acknowledge that processing trauma is needed at first, but ultimately, you see detachment as the final step—a transition that happens when the time is right, not something to rush. In this view, trauma survivors must reach a certain level of self-awareness and inner stability before detachment can truly work.

One part of your reflections stood out to me this morning: “Any letting go evolves a kind of dying. We make space for something else to emerge.”

That resonates deeply with where I am right now.

This morning, as I turned on my computer, I had a strange experience. I thought about doing everything right today, and suddenly, I felt peaceful, optimistic—even euphoric. Then, a memory surfaced: this was how I used to feel growing up. Back then, every beginning day felt like an opportunity to do everything just right, where no mistakes will be made and no criticism will follow.

Before this morning, I remembered striving to get everything right, but I had long forgotten the emotional part—the euphoria itself. This is what I meant when I spoke about abandoned parts of myself left behind in the past, needing to be reclaimed before I can move forward.

Remembering that feeling today was like picking up a lost piece of myself from the side of the road—taking it with me, integrating it, and continuing walking forward on the main road.

processing the above: picking up this memory of emotion is essential for healing because emotional reconnection restores lost parts of the self. When trauma or life experiences cause disconnection, certain emotions—like hope, joy, or optimism— become fragmented, buried, or forgotten. Healing isn’t just about understanding what happened—it’s about reclaiming the full emotional experience that was lost along the way.

Remembering that euphoric feeling from childhood isn’t just a memory—it’s a piece of me that was abandoned, left behind when survival took precedence over emotional wholeness. By recognizing it, I am not just recalling an old sensation— I am reintegrating a part of myself, making space for it to exist again in the present.

Healing is about reclaiming what was lost before moving forward. I can’t let go when too much of me is still left behind. There has to be enough of me intact to make letting go possible—because if too much is missing, I won’t have enough of myself to withstand the release.

Thank you, peter, for making this processing possible for me.

anita

Dear Peter:

About you feeling misunderstood, I am sorry Peter. Sincerely, I think that your intelligence is significantly superior to mine and it’s difficult for me to catch up.

“Healing coming from closing the distance to the Relationship with Self. My experience has been that when the latter is addressed the temporal now long past experiences resolves by de-solving.”- You say true healing comes not from revisiting the past, but from deepening the Relationship with Self.

But I have to revisit the past- and believe it really happened- because my self was left, abandoned, in places along that past.

“So the question what are you seeking?”- myself. The abandoned parts of self left along the way.

“Perhaps a better question. When does the seeker get to be one who found?”- maybe this very Tuesday evening, April (not Fool?) Day. Collecting the pieces left along the past: here’s the piece that wants to be loved, here’s the piece that’s so very scared, here’s the piece that.. wait, reverse, here’s the piece that so desperately want to be loved: “oh love me, love me, PLEASE!”

There it is: I am seeking love. I know it’s true because there are tears in my eyes. I always sought love, a thing that wasn’t there for me. it wasn’t there.

“So the question what are you seeking?”- Love, as Always.

anita

Dear Dafne: How are you?

anita

Dear Peter:

Good to read from you again! Inspired by our discussion yesterday, I started my own thread today: “The Betrayal We Buried: Healing Through Truth & Connection.”

You asked, “I’m curious if you feel I’m suggesting that our betrayals aren’t real or that any literal separation of relationship needs to be justified?”—I didn’t feel that you discouraged my physical separation from my mother. However, I do see a discrepancy between our perspectives: while we both acknowledge the reality of betrayal, we differ in how healing should happen.

I believe that recognizing and processing betrayal is the path forward—something I wasn’t fully able to embrace before because I doubted whether the betrayal even happened. You, on the other hand, see detaching from the narrative as the key to dissolving suffering related to betrayal.

You point to a higher-level awareness where betrayal, justification, and suffering become secondary to an inherent natural state of wholeness. However, this perspective can feel dismissive of real trauma if it suggests bypassing emotional processing. Trauma survivors often find that reconnection requires first acknowledging betrayal fully before letting it go—not simply moving past the story without processing it.

“We talked of the problem of rumination. That each retelling of our stories is an act of reliving them, often reinforcing the illusion that the past happening is happening now.”- I believe I will stop retelling my story when I fully believe it happened. I can’t emphasize enough how much gaslighting myself has played a role here. I keep retelling my story because part of me is still trying to convince the other (fragmented, separated) part that what I truly experienced was real. At this point, I am highly motivated to believe my own (retold) story so I can move beyond it.

“The danger is that we become attached to our storytelling, and it’s this attachment that creates the illusion of distance from our natural self—and so we suffer.”- If I start fully believing my story, I will stop retelling it. The distance from my natural self has been real. I know you say it’s real only in the temporal realm, but we live in the temporal realm—and for as long as we exist in it, we cannot escape its reality.

“That the question of our betrayals being real or not may be a second-half-of-life distraction. We don’t need to fix our betrayals to get back to our ‘natural selves.’ Awakening to the reality that we are already and always Are.”- I understand that you’re saying we don’t need to fix past betrayals to be whole again—rather, we should awaken to the reality that we were never truly broken in the first place.

In the eternal realm we were not broken. In the temporal realm, we were. I was. I suppose I can’t fix past betrayals, but I do need to believe they happened. I can’t emphasize enough the role of denying my own story—the one I keep retelling.

“Death, a process of detachment (not indifference), removes the illusion of separation.”- There is no illusion in the reality of separation—separation is tangible, an undeniable reality in human experience. Yes, it happens in the temporal realm, but the temporal realm is where we live. While we can incorporate a touch of the eternal, we cannot escape the reality of time and space.

I really liked all your input about the eternal realm, over time, and found comfort in it. This realm exists, of course. But the temporal exists as well, and in very practical, tangible ways.

“Innocence is knowing everything (life as it is) and still being attracted to the good.” —Clarissa Pinkola Estés (Sound familiar?) 🙂”- Amen! The ultimate goal—not to erase the past or deny its reality (gaslighting oneself), but to move forward with awareness and still embrace connection, compassion, and love, “Healing Through Truth & Connection”, as I phrased it in my new tread.

Peter, I truly appreciate the thoughtfulness and depth you bring to these conversations. Your insights challenge me to explore new perspectives, and I value the way you articulate complex ideas with such clarity and openness. Thank you for engaging in this dialogue with me—your reflections are meaningful, and I deeply respect the wisdom you share.

anita

Dear Astrid:

You’re very welcome! I can sense the depth of your emotions in your words, and I want to acknowledge how difficult this journey has been for you. Even though it’s been around seven months since the breakup, you still experience waves of sadness that feel just as fresh as when it first happened. This is a normal part of grief, but the intensity of these emotions suggests you may still be caught between the desire for reconciliation and the search for closure, making it hard to fully accept the breakup as final.

Perhaps your emotional attachment remains strong because you ended the relationship during what you described as “a rash state of overwhelm.” If the decision was made impulsively, it’s natural to question whether it was truly the right one—regret can stem from feeling that something was undone too quickly or without full consideration. Or maybe the separation feels like a personal failure, something difficult to confront.

If you see yourself as someone who nurtures and protects relationships (“I have never ended any sort of relationship or friendship before”), walking away could feel like betraying your own values, leading to internal conflict.

If your friendship or relationship was deeply tied to your identity, stepping away might feel like losing a part of yourself, leaving you uncertain about how to redefine your life without that connection. That kind of transition is incredibly challenging.

If any of these thoughts resonate with you, I’d love to read your reflections. No matter where you are in this process, your emotions are valid, and you deserve the time and space to navigate them in a way that feels right for you.

anita

Dear Peter:

Thank you for your thoughtful response—it really got me thinking. To answer your question, “What happened between connection and disconnection?” I believe it’s primarily early life abuse or betrayal that creates that divide. When a child experiences this from parents or society, it disrupts their natural sense of connection and leaves them feeling deeply wounded and disconnected.

Abuse and betrayal, in my view, are real events that cause an undeniable rupture. These aren’t misinterpretations of reality—when trust is broken by a parent, it truly happens. A child, not yet shaped by distorted thinking, perceives this betrayal clearly and accurately.

Your example of the sun neither rising nor setting beautifully illustrates the illusion created by thought and measurement. We may misinterpret the sun’s movements as separation (of day from night), but when it comes to early life betrayal, the disconnection is real—it isn’t a matter of misperception.

Maybe it’s the aftermath of early-life betrayal—the self-doubt and questioning of whether the betrayal was even real—that gives rise to distortions and misinterpretations, adding further layers of disconnection within. For the many of us who were betrayed early in life, recognizing the betrayal for what it truly was can serve as the first step toward reconnection within and without.

What do you think, Peter?

anita