Tee: “Anita, I’m happy to read about your progress and having the courage to cut that rope which only you were holding onto, and land softly, gently, quietly on a solid ground… landing softly on a peaceful spot somewhere on your favorite walking trail, in the forest.. where you feel at home… try to connect with playful aspects of being a child: curiosity, playfulness, joy, chasing butterflies and running in the fields”-

Hanging on, holding on to a rope suspended in the air, a phantom mother holding the rope far above, keeping me alive.

A whole life spent with my eyes locked into phantom mother.

All the things I imagined where things imagined, nothing real.

A smile here, a nice tone there.. ahh! Enough to fuel the holding on to the rope.

If I hold on longer, there may be something more. More. Something real. (No)

Tears in my eyes right now. Can you see them on your computer screen..? (a smile)

There was comfort in the hope, the never-ending, enduring hope of a mother loving me,

On the other end of the rope, high above.

Grieving what’s not there.

Let go of that six-decade long hope. Let go. let go of the rope.

Hands unlocked.. Letting go.

I breathe.

Suspended in the air, not falling.

Slowly floating right and left and down a bit, a pleasant descent.

The air- a bit cool, a bit warm

Gently landing in an apple orchard..

Here’s Gordon, the orange cat, so fluffy, so friendly (petting him)

I walk to the pavilion a short distance away, where people are gathering, talking, socializing-

Opportunities to Connect, to smile, to be kind and to receive the same.

To chase butterflies: the wonderful butterflies 🦋 🦋 🦋 of.. love.

Anita

Dear Tee:

This time, I will read part of your post, respond, then read the next part, etc.

“Dear Anita, sorry for not replying. I was very happy to read your corrective exercise (letting go of the rope) and your posts, but as you suspected, I’m in quite a bit of pain and arranging an earlier doctor’s appointment, so don’t really have the capacity to focus on much more at the moment. And my anxiety is pretty high too, so yeah, not a good place to be in.. I hope to get answers from the doctor ASAP and know where I stand and what to do next..”-

Nothing to apologize for.. just happy to read your replies when they come. I read in the other thread that you already arranged to see a doctor, and that post was submitted 11 hours ago, so I imagine you’ve already seen one. I would very much like to know what he/ she said, what’s the plan and how you’re feeling about it.

But of course, I understand a thing or two about anxiety being pretty high, and so, I understand that you will share what you want to share, when you do. It’s amazing how collected and rational you sound in spite of the high anxiety.

“You haven’t said anything wrong, Anita, I’m happy to read about your progress and having the courage to cut that rope which only you were holding onto, and land softly, gently, quietly on a solid ground..”-

Thank you! Yes, this is The Corrective Exercise. I want to do more of it a bit later, right here in this thread.

“That’s a beautiful scene – in my mind I imagine it (probably quite differently than in your vision) as you landing softly on a peaceful spot somewhere on your favorite walking trail, in the forest, surrounded by beautiful mother nature, where you (hopefully) feel at home… I hope your landing feels good and welcoming and nurturing to you ❤️’-

And it’s amazing how caring, thoughtful and kind you are in spite of high anxiety, this is a testimony to your character ❤️

Landing in the forest, or among the apple orchards. I think I’ll incorporate it into the exercise.

“Regarding never having been a child, perhaps as you walk through nature (or at other moments during the day), try to connect with playful aspects of being a child: curiosity, playfulness, joy, chasing butterflies and running in the fields type of attitude.. doing things just for the sake of joy, enjoying the present moment, not having an obligation to help anyone, to be a good person, to be useful, or whatever expectation you might be putting on yourself. Just play and enjoy the present moment, as a carefree child would! I wonder how that sounds?”- It sounds just right!

“I hope to write more soon, and till then, take care and try play! 👶🧒👧, ❤️ 🫶”-

Thank you, Tee, you are amazing! I sure.. sure hope to read better news from the doctor, something hopeful. I visualized you pain free (last night), walking with no pain at all, feeling like new ✨💫🌟🙏🕯️

❤️ 🫶 ❤️ Anita

Edit, Above: People.. not Poeple.

Mistakes are okay, aren’t they?

Mistakes.

I would say, I say this evening, that LGA (inner child) and A (Adult Anita) are one and the same person. The differentiation, the separation- at this point- is a problem.

As long as I love myself AND I hold myself accountable for my words and actions today and every day, then I am fine and dandy.. And so are you!

Anita (8:20 pm, Monday)

Dear Tee and Alessa:

Thank you for participating in this thread. I appreciate the two of you 🙂

I am thinking of you, Tee, wondering how you’re doing at this time, in regard to your health issues on one hand, and your courage and resilience, on the other.

I know anxiety every day (mostly felt through the tics), but also worries of different kinds, the mental health of others, people suffering all over the world.

I am still afraid to say the wrong thing to you, Tee. Like I just wrote in another thread, I am learning and practicing social skills these very days, a much needed practice. I know that my intent with you, Tee, is 100% positive.

Of course, I understand that this is a difficult time for you and it’s hard to concentrate on anything else when you’re in pain, so I don’t expect you to read or respond to me at this time. Only if it suits you.. only if it means something positive for you, when it does.

And so, I continue my non-linear, not-neat, messy inner child healing work, and again, it’s okay if you choose to not respond 🙂.

What stayed in my mind after last evening posts, is the image of me (the inner child) hanging on, holding tightly to a rope in mid-air, with no one holding the beginning of the rope for me. So, a rope in mid-air wit a child holding on to it, but no one else holding it.

So, if all this time I didn’t fall to my death, no danger in letting go of the rope.

I let it go and quietly, softly descend and land on a solid ground. As solid as anyone’s ground can be.

I now see this soft landing as my corrective exercise.

The person landing is a child, a teenager, a young woman, a middle-aged woman, an older woman.

It is time for this first in a lifetime landing, rope drifting away, no longer visible.

Anita