You are welcome, Jana

😊 anita

Dear Beni:

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I’m glad that my analysis resonated with you and helped validate your experiences. It’s indeed a complex and challenging journey to navigate the effects of enmeshment and find one’s true self.

It’s understandable to feel a mix of sadness, freedom, and even questioning the worth of living when uncovering such deep-rooted issues. The grieving process is a significant part of healing, allowing us to acknowledge the pain and begin to move forward.

“What I’ve been exploring lately is how I choose to create drama. Because It’s what I’ve always done. I don’t know how to be any other way”- creating drama is often a coping mechanism and a learned behavior that once served a purpose:

When a person has grown up in an environment characterized by stress and chaos (drama), these conditions become the person’s “normal.” Even though these conditions are unpleasant, they are familiar. As adults, we might unconsciously seek out or create similar high-stress situations because it feels familiar and comfortable compared to the unknown. Familiar stress can feel safer than the unpredictability of peace and calm.

Also, drama provides a form of emotional and psychological stimulation. It can break the monotony of daily life, making the individual feel more alive and engaged.

It could also be a means to connect with others, as the chaos and drama might elicit responses and interactions from those around us.

In environments where people feel overlooked or insignificant, drama ensures they become the center of focus. Creating drama can also serve to influence how others react or behave. This influence can provide a sense of power and control.

In summary, creating drama as a coping mechanism is a learned behavior that once served a vital purpose in navigating chaotic or intense environments. By understanding and addressing the underlying needs, individuals can find healthier ways to feel alive, connected, and in control.

Recognizing that this behavior is a coping mechanism and understanding its origins is the first step towards change. Viewing the behavior with compassion rather than judgment helps in acknowledging that it served a purpose at one point.

I think that I do understand you. To understand more, I ask: can you elaborate on “Maybe I’m afraid of punishment. Or I can not forgive myself”?

I’m here to support you as you continue to explore and grow. You’re not alone in this, and every step you take toward understanding and healing is significant.

Take care and be gentle with yourself.

anita

Dear Jana:

Thank you! I just wrote to you on your other thread that the forums are my learning playground, so this morning I want to learn more about “this fear of people” (your words).

In your original post, Nov 7, 2024, you described feeling trapped in several parts of your story:

“I couldn’t just leave because when I did, I got scolded by adults. I lost my ‘independence’ and ‘control’ over the situation”, “I was trapped in a place where I wasn’t welcomed and regularly attacked by bullies and I wasn’t allowed to leave… actually I was literally ordered to stay without discussion”, “I suddenly found myself in a very cold, hostile environment, from which I couldn’t run away”.

Humans are physiologically animals. How do animals react to being trapped?

Short term reactions: 1. Flight or Fight Response: animals either try to escape the situation or prepare to defend themselves. There is an increase in heart rate and muscle tension to prepare for immediate action.

2. Freeze Response: some animals exhibit a freeze response, where they become motionless to avoid detection by predators, staying hidden and avoiding drawing attention, waiting for the danger to pass before they shake the freeze, so to speak, and resume normal movement and life.

Long-Term Reactions: 1. Chronic Stress: elevated ongoing levels of stress hormones like cortisol, making the animal more susceptible to diseases. Chronically stressed, animals may exhibit abnormal behaviors, such as repetitive movements, self-mutilation, or aggression.

2. Learned Helplessness: over time, animals may develop learned helplessness, where they stop trying to escape because they believe their efforts are futile. This can lead to depression-like symptoms, including lethargy and loss of interest in activities.

3. Physical Health Issues: prolonged stress can lead to weight loss and decreased appetite and reduced fertility.

In your original post, Jana, you described physical symptoms like shaking and feeling sick when going to school. This fits with the long-term reactions of other animals to being trapped, as chronic stress leads humans and other animals to elevated stress hormones, which can suppress the immune system and cause other health issues.

“I suddenly found myself in a very cold, hostile environment, from which I couldn’t run away, and my sensitive nature couldn’t resist it”- “from which I couldn’t run away” highlights your feeling of being trapped and powerless to escape, as in no matter what you do, you cannot change your situation or get away from the hostile environment.

“and my sensitive nature couldn’t resist it”: feeling that your sensitive nature makes or made you unable to cope or fight back against the hostility. This adds to your sense of helplessness because you perceives (or perceived) yourself as inherently unable to handle the situation. These expressions reveal your belief that you had no control over those circumstances and were unable to change or escape them.

Your physical and behavioral reactions to feeling trapped—such as anxiety, chronic stress, avoidance, and physical symptoms—parallel the responses seen in trapped animals. These reactions highlight the intense emotional and physical toll that feeling trapped and unsupported can have on an individual.

In your Nov 9 post, you described experiences with your neighbors and students, situations where you faced pressure, blame, and negativity. Your reactions to these situations: setting boundaries, opting for sensible approaches, and trying to remove yourself from toxic environments. Your reactions demonstrate your attempts to regain control and protect your emotional well-being. This is the undoing of learned helplessness and the path of healing.

In your Jan 1, 2025 post, you wrote: “It is very hard to be an introverted person in this very extroverted world and to be emotional and spiritual in a society which is very skeptical, pragmatic and materialistic”- feeling trapped in a society that doesn’t accept your introverted, emotional, and spiritual nature.

“The fact is that if I find myself in a situation when I have to defend myself, I feel a bit guilty when I do so… a bad program in my head, bad ego…”- feeling trapped by your internalized guilt and negative self-talk (“bad program in my head”) when you try to defend yourself.

“I am learning to defend myself with peace and compassion. If I can do this, I will be happier and people around me, too”- actively working on learning to defend yourself in a way that aligns with your values of peace and compassion.

“I am not afraid of people who do not like me anymore. It is okay! It is their right”- you developed a healthier attitude towards rejection, recognizing that it is normal and not a threat to your well-being.

This post reflects your journey from feeling trapped by societal expectations, blame, and internalized guilt to developing self-awareness, acceptance, and healthier coping mechanisms. Your reactions show a commitment to personal growth and embracing her true self with peace and compassion.

And now, to the title of your thread: “Will I ever be free of this fear of people?”- I’d say that you are already in the process of freeing yourself of your fear of people. The more power you take for yourself, according to your values (aggression is not a way to take power that fits your values), the freer you will be.

Here’s a short poem for you, Jana:

In the quiet whispers of your soul,
A strength within begins to grow.
You’ve faced the storms, the harshest cold,
Yet still you stand, brave and bold.

Embrace the power that’s yours to claim,
A beacon bright, an eternal flame.
With every step, let courage guide,
In life’s vast sea, let your spirit glide.

For in your heart, a warrior’s might,
To face the dark and seek the light.
With peace and love, your shield and sword,
You write your story, word by word.

When voices doubt and shadows fall,
Stand tall and heed your inner call.
For you possess the grace to soar,
Through every challenge, forever more.

So cherish all that makes you, you,
The introverted, tender, true.
With every breath, let power rise,
And paint the world with hopeful skies.

anita

Dear Peter:

I want to review our valuable communication on this thread before I reply to your recent posts, so to better integrate what I processed so far before moving forward with the conversation. I expect to do it by Monday. I remember that you said that you take a break from the computer on weekends. I wish you a good Friday and a restful weekend!

anita

Dear peter:

I will start with processing what you shared at the end of your second, recent post:

“Then this morning as I woke I had the intuition to step back and let these notions we’ve been exploring go for – their is a time to think and analyze and a time to treasure up and ponder in ones heart”-

– your intuition prompted you to step back and let go of the intellectual exploration and analysis we’ve been engaging in. This implies a shift from active thinking and problem-solving to a more passive and reflective state.

You acknowledge that there is a time to think and analyze, which involves actively engaging with ideas, breaking them down, and seeking to understand them logically and intellectually. Conversely, you recognize that there is also a time to “treasure up and ponder in one’s heart.” This suggests a period of reflection and contemplation, where the focus is on deeply feeling the ideas rather than dissecting them. It’s about allowing the insights to settle within and resonate on a more emotional and intuitive level.

I agree that there needs to be a balance between intellectual analysis and emotional reflection. While analyzing and thinking are important for understanding concepts, it’s equally crucial to take time to step back, reflect, and let these notions resonate within the heart. This approach allows for a more holistic and integrated understanding of the ideas, connecting both the mind and the heart.

“That said looking back at some old journal entries I noticed that I’ve struggled with my relationship with the notion of hope so I might explore that in my next posts.”-

– The act of looking back at old journal entries indicates a period of reflection and introspection. It shows that you are revisiting your past thoughts and experiences to gain insights and understand your current state of mind. You acknowledge that you have struggled with your relationship with the concept of hope, that you found it challenging to understand or maintain a positive relationship with it.

The struggle with hope implies emotional complexity, as hope is often intertwined with expectations, dreams, and uncertainties about the future. You expressed an intention to explore the notion of hope in your future posts. This indicates a proactive approach to understanding and addressing your struggles with hope. It shows a willingness to delve deeper into your feelings and thoughts on the subject.

The desire to explore hope further suggests a commitment to personal growth and self-improvement. By examining your relationship with hope, you aim to gain clarity and possibly find a more constructive way to engage with it.

“‘Love is the one thing we’re capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space.’ — Dr. Brand, Interstellar”- I feel it right now, an Eternal Now kind of right now. I feel it. And indeed, as I feel it, I don’t feel a need for labels and measurements. There is no problem in the feeling of it, therefore, nothing to solve, nothing to think about.

My thoughts: generally, we live in the Eternal Realm and in the Temporal Realm. it is not possible to live, as humans, in one or the other. Our brains label for survival just like any other organism (trees label sunlight as desirable- without the thinking- and grow toward it, seeking it; a unicellular protozoan labels acidic water as dangerous, and actively moves away from it). Living solely in the Eternal requires a non-functioning brain on our parts, as humans.

It’s about living in both, letting go of attachment to one or the other. Not labeling either one as superior to the other.

I want to reply further later, Thurs morning. But before I leave your thread for the day, about hope: the image that comes to my mind is that of little kid, me as a girl, you as a boy: we wouldn’t have any trouble stating what we hope for back then, would we? I mean, before fear took too much place in our hearts and minds.

If you ask peter the young boy: “what do you hope for?” What will he say?

I am asking anita the young girl: “what do you hope for?” I answer: LIFE! I want to LIVE! I want to LIVE!” (interestingly, I didn’t say “I hope to live”. I said: I want to live).

Back to you tomorrow.

anita

Dear Bella:

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings so openly. It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge your struggles and reach out for support.

It’s most important that you acknowledge your feelings without judgment because all your feelings carry valid messages, messages that will help you if you allow them (your feelings aka emotions) to tell you what those messages are. It doesn’t mean that any action taken based on a feeling is okay to take. It means that healing and help come from befriending your feelings. They are here (within you) to tell you things you need to know.

This is what emotional intelligence is about: (1) accepting your feelings without any negative judgment, not saying to yourself something like: I am a bad person for feeling this or that, but saying to yourself: it’s okay for me to feel whatever it is that I am feeling. All my feelings carry messages that I need to hear, messages that will promote my mental health and make me a better person to myself and to others, (2) listening to the messages and making choices that honor your feelings, choices that help yourself and others.

I now want to look into your experiences and feelings:

“I have too much generational trauma that I am trying to break open on my own and address it within my own family”-
– this implies (and correct me if I am wrong or not fully correct in regard to all of my assumptions and understandings) that you feel overwhelmed by the weight of the generational trauma in your family, feeling isolated and alone in trying to resolve generational trauma on your own, without support, or any adequate support, from your family or from anyone else.

“I have moved out and constantly worrying about my mother”- this sentence reveals a range of emotions, including guilt for having moved out, anxiety about your mother’s emotional state, separation anxiety perhaps, ambivalence, overwhelm.

“I am that individual who constantly worries”- this sentence suggests that you have a deeply ingrained habit of worrying, which likely stems from your childhood experiences. Maybe your mother exhibited high levels of anxiety or worry, and you felt unsafe. This easily leads to a heightened sense of vigilance and worry.

For a child to feel safe, the child needs her mother (as the primary or sole caretaker) to be dependably calm, strong, in charge of herself, able to handle her own emotions with emotional intelligence and resilience.

Reads like you didn’t have such a mother, nor a reliable support system during your childhood. In the absence of external support, you may have learned to rely on yourself from a young age, taking on responsibilities prematurely, such as caring for siblings, managing household tasks, or being your mother’s “therapist”, so to fix her, so that she can become the calm, stable and strong mother you needed her to be.

* Parentification occurs when a child takes on the role of caregiver or emotional supporter for their parent, essentially reversing the traditional parent-child roles. This can happen due to various factors, such as a parent’s emotional instability, health issues, or other circumstances that require the child to step in.

Your constant worry about your mother suggests that you feel a strong sense of responsibility for her well-being, which is characteristic of parentification.

When a child is parentified, the child puts her own childhood on hold, taking on an adult role, prioritizing her mother’s needs… until such time that the mother is strong enough to allow the child to be a child again. But when the mother never rises to the occasion, the child gets to be physically an adult without ever being (emotionally) a child. T(his happens to be my experience growing up with my mother).

“I am that individual who has love/hate relationship with her mother”- the love/hate dynamic can stem from feeling overwhelmed by the responsibilities you had to take on and feeling anger or resentment for not having the strong, supportive parent you needed.

Moving out and struggling with independence can reflect the difficulty of separating from a role you were forced into at a young age, that of… your mother’s mother, and feeling that by moving out and focusing on yourself, you are leaving behind/ neglecting a child. You may also feel guilt for being angry at your mother as well as for seeking your own independence.

These love/ hate feelings are valid as they reflect your unmet needs and the emotional burden you had to carry.

“I recently got into a bad fight with my partner where I heard some pretty hurtful things like ‘if you were a man, you’d be a wife-beater’ or ‘that I am an abusive person’ for constantly raising my voice at tasks not being done at home or not taking responsibility of making our new space home because they are busy tending to their own mother… I am that individual that I find faults in every single individual that I cross paths with and form judgements too quickly”-

– Growing up with parentification, you may have taken on significant responsibilities and roles that required you to be in control of your environment and outcomes. This need for control can manifest in your adult relationships, where you feel compelled to ensure tasks are done and responsibilities are met.

Your partner’s comments about you being controlling and abusive for raising your voice may stem from your heightened sense of responsibility and frustration when others don’t meet your expectations. This behavior can be a direct result of having had to manage responsibilities and even parent her own parent from a young age.

Raising her voice when tasks aren’t done might indicate difficulties in emotional regulation. Growing up in a stressful environment where you had to take on adult roles, you may not have had the chance to develop healthy ways to manage your emotions.

The intense emotions you express during conflicts, seems to me, are at least partly a release of pent-up anger and resentment from your childhood. These feelings could be directed at your partner as a misplaced outlet for the frustrations you felt towards your mother or the situation you were in, as a child:

During your childhood, having had to assume roles and responsibilities that were beyond your years created, I assume, a sense of being neglected emotionally and practically by your mother, being that you (and your mother) prioritized her needs over your own. Fast forward, your partner tends to their own mother and doesn’t contribute equally to their shared responsibilities at home, and you perceive this as a form of neglect. This echoes your childhood experience, where you felt your own needs were secondary to your mother’s.

In other words, your partner’s actions can trigger past feelings of being neglected and burdened. You might feel a sense of injustice, feeling that once again, you are left to shoulder responsibilities without adequate support.

Your quickness to find faults in others and judge them can also be a defense mechanism. It might be your way of asserting control and ensuring that things are done to prevent the chaos or neglect you experienced in your childhood.

Understanding this dynamic can help you recognize the source of your reactions and work towards healthier ways of managing your emotions and interactions.

Establishing clear boundaries with your mother and your partner is important. Self-compassion can help you manage your feelings of guilt and responsibility. Mindfulness practices such as meditation, deep breathing exercises, or yoga can help you manage stress and improve your emotional regulation. Continuing to journal so to process your emotions help with clarity. It can be a therapeutic way to explore your thoughts and feelings (here on your thread perhaps?)

Back to the concept of all feelings are valid, all having helpful messages for you, here are a few possible messages carried by your feelings:

Feeling lost and overwhelmed=> message: I need direction and clarity in my life!

Feeling anxiety and worry about your mother=> I needed and loved my mother so very much, from the beginning of my life, I am a loving person!

Guilt about moving out and gaining independence=> message: I have a strong sense of duty and loyalty, I am a loyal person!

Love/Hate for your mother=> message: I still have a strong attachment to her even though she didn’t meet my needs and burdened me so; I need to weaken this attachment and find ways to prioritize and meet my needs!

Frustration and anger at mother, partner and others=> message: I need to be prioritized, I matter!!!

Each of your feelings carries a valuable and positive messages. By understanding the underlying messages, you can navigate your emotions with greater self-awareness and purpose, turning challenges into opportunities for personal development.

anita

Dear Peter:

I am (!) Looking forward to read, process and and reply Thurs morning.

Anita

Dear Arden:

It’s a good feeling for me, a very good feeling every time you submit a post and I get to read from you. Thank you for sharing your thoughtful reflections and experiences once again. It’s clear that you’ve been navigating a very complex and challenging situation, and your insights are both profound and valuable.

It’s good to read that you’ve found clarity and understanding about the importance of personal space. Recognizing its value in your busy life is indeed one of the most crucial lessons, and prioritizing it can significantly improve your well-being.

Your feelings of resentment towards your friend are completely valid. It’s challenging when someone’s way of helping doesn’t fit your needs and preferences. Effective communication is key, and it’s understandable that it is difficult to bond with someone who doesn’t respect your ways. Reflecting on how you might have similar tendencies shows your deep self-awareness and willingness to grow.

Your ongoing journey to understand and manage ego is admirable. It’s a complex aspect of human nature and your recognition of its role in your professional dynamics with your friend and her brother is insightful.

It reads like you’ve been working incredibly hard to support and motivate your friend, despite the challenges. Your dedication and efforts are commendable. It’s understandable to feel stressed and resentful when your hard work isn’t reciprocated or appreciated.

Maintaining your self-respect and setting boundaries is essential. Your approach to not allowing interruptions and asserting yourself shows your growth and determination to be treated with the respect you deserve. Balancing this with an understanding of your own ego is a nuanced challenge, and you’re handling it with great thoughtfulness.

The overlapping of professional and personal boundaries can indeed create complicated dynamics. It’s important to recognize your limits and take care of your well-being amidst these challenges. Your efforts to communicate and find common ground show your commitment to resolving conflicts, even when it’s difficult.

It’s okay to feel tired and to need a break from the constant effort. Your well-being is important, and sometimes stepping back and reflecting can provide new perspectives. Reading more about ego and continuing to grow your understanding will undoubtedly help you navigate these challenges.

Thank you for sharing your journey. It’s not easy to articulate such complex emotions and experiences, and your openness is truly valuable. Wishing you strength, clarity, and peace as you continue to navigate these intricate dynamics.

anita