* You are welcome (no “home”)4

Hi Sonia:

You are welcome!

“I stopped feeling like I need to help him see his value”-

That’s progress, that’s healing. Because you are his friend, not his mother, or his emotional care-taker, right?

👧 Anita

Hello Sonia 🙂

I read your new post and our communication in your first thread earlier this year, and what came to mind was the image of a boy (your friend) when he was a child, “feeling that he is not taking into consideration” by his parents, a boy who “was getting upset very often” but kept it inside, no place safe to express it.

Fast forward, he found that safe place in you and he took advantage of this opportunity and expressed himself a lot, “hours of stories”.

Another image: a girl feeling responsible for a parent’s feelings, rushing to make them feel better, being the best emotional caretaker she could be.

As to your questions in the last paragraph:

It’s clear to me that you are not a bad person for setting self-protective boundaries, for not over-extending yourself and for feeling happy about it (when guilt doesn’t overshadow the happy).

But you sometimes feel guilty, like you are a bad person because by putting yourself first, you feel that you are neglecting a responsibility to put him first?

👧 👦 Anita

Hey 👋 Confused:

I used the 🖥 right above, had it only for a few moments. Now, I’m back to my 📱, hence the emojis 🙂

I like it that your new therapist was taking notes of everything ✔️

The fact that you shared everything with her (your gf): your fears, your “weird” thoughts- that’s very meaningful- you trusted her.

And then, that trust scared you because trust was not something you grew up with?

I am hopeful about your new therapy. Here, in this thread, I am like (an older) friend, not a therapist, just a person to think with, gently.

A personal note: I’m a bit excited for you, hopeful. And a bit romantic in that it seems to me that what you have with gf is special, precious, a real connection. And that’s why it caused all that shutdown and doubts-

Not because the relationship was lacking, but because it was wonderful.

✔️📱🌙🐇 (don’t know, I just like rabbits) Anita

Hey Confused:

You asked earlier:

“Why don’t I have emotional permanence?”-

It makes sense to me that your feelings show up strongly when you’re close to her — in person or on videocall — and then go quiet when the moment passes. For someone who grew up in a chaotic home, feelings often come in bursts of intensity and then disappear.

It’s not that the feelings weren’t real. It’s that your system learned to “turn the volume down” when things feel too big or too close. That’s not wrong — it’s just how you learned to cope.

And you also asked:

“Could I be avoiding the emotions ending things would bring? But if that’s what I wanted, why doesn’t this thought bring me peace?”-

I think the reason the thought doesn’t bring you peace is because you don’t actually want to lose her. Even when your feelings go quiet, you still care.

You’re confused, not indifferent.

Ending things would bring its own kind of pain, and your mind knows that. So, of course the idea doesn’t feel peaceful.

Both of these things — the fading of feelings and the fear of ending things — make sense when someone has had to protect themselves emotionally for a long time. None of it means you’re doing something wrong.

🌿Anita

Good morning-night, Confused, and may that immense guilt not wake up when you do. May it 🙏 be gone.

Back 2 u tomorrow.

🌙 Anita

Hey soon2b 😴 💤 Confused:

Your last paragraph doesn’t contradict my last message: moving to another country (Germany, for the duration of her studies?) was indeed “too much” for you (as it would be for a lot of people, if not most people).

“Too much”=> Shutdown.

Fantasizing for months about being together, that’s nice. It’s safe. But actually moving to another country and actually living with a woman.. why, that’s another ball game.

“I feel guilty/ shameful”- that’s what I would work on in therapy (and perhaps elaborate on it here).

You feel ashamed of how you feel?

Whatever you feel, Confused, is 👍- you have the right to feel-or-not-to-feel.

😜 😔 😡 😠 🐇 Anita

I didn’t understand a part of your recent post. I understood the last sentence-question.

Yes, it makes sense to me that you’d be avoiding intimacy because intimacy is about intense feelings.

😬 😳 😅 😫 😩 Anita