Dear allette/ reader:

These are quotes from posts submitted in this thread through time, in regard to reasons for people breaking up:

“I just felt that something was missing.. He is the type of guy I should feel thrilled to marry, and I know that he would be an amazing husband and father, but I just knew it wasn’t fair to him that I wasn’t feeling it 100%… as much as I wanted to be happy in a relationship, I just wasn’t. I started feeling claustrophobic and wanting freedom” (M, June, 2014)

“I thought about breaking up with him for a long, long time but could never get the guts to do it until yesterday, when something in me just clicked, I felt like such a chicken sh*t for not being able to say that I did not want him anymore, so I just said it, and it was horrible. I feel like the worst person ever, especially because it was also a holiday and he brought me a gift and flowers” (Ariana m, March 2015).

“For the past 6 months, he has been detached and passive about the relationship. I tried everything in my power to revive him from what I thought was a phase. I asked him numerous times whether he knew why he was acting that way and if there was anything I needed to know, or that I could do to which he always replied that he didn’t/there isn’t. I eventually.. confronted him about not wanting to be in the relationship and that although he hasn’t expressly told me, his actions show me so. He couldn’t pretend anymore and finally admitted it. He said that he hadn’t known how to tell me but he doesn’t want to be in any relationship right now… It turns out that he’s known that he did not want to be in the relationship any longer for 6 months but could not communicate that to me out of fear of disappointing me… He simply withdrew emotionally from the relationship and left me to connect the dots on my own” (Bonni_mor, May 2015)

“It was extremely hard for me to take the decision to break up with someone I love. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I knew that this relationship was not the best one for me nor for her. She suffers from depression… we had to face very difficult moments due to her depression. It was very hard for me… I am very sensible to her problems (and often made them my own tough I shouldn’t), made me understand that this wasn’t the right relationship for me. The spark was gone, and I didn’t want to stay with her out of pity.. I still love her dearly, but fell out of love” (John, April 2016)

“Breaking up with him was the hardest thing I’d ever done, but I’d been feeling for 1.5 years that things weren’t right and fell out of love the last few months. Because we’re both extremely conflict averse… we never talked about our problems even though they were obvious from my behavior (I stopped initiating affection, saying ‘I love you’, making him a priority or even looking forward to seeing him)” (bee, Sept 2016)

“I settled for him because he treated me with so much respect, love and kindness- why would you not want to stay with someone so lovely? The spark was missing. No matter how hard I tried in the last 9 months of our relationship, I could not rekindle that spark I used to feel when I was with him… In our relationship, I had always been the ‘pants’…He would leave me to make every decision, to lead every conversation and when we would fight-even if I was clearly in the wrong- he would be the one apologising. Sooner or later, I began to find his inability to stand up for himself unattractive, as I started to feel like I was becoming his mother, not his girlfriend” (Nessie, Sept 2016)

“The reason I ended it was because for over a year I’d been begging him to get his life sorted. He didn’t have a job and spent his days either with me or when I was working, playing video games. I was mothering him so much, that all my friends joked that he should have got me a mothers day card! By the end my feelings of being in love were fading, I felt like I tried so hard. He also lives an hour away and doesn’t drive, so I was forever travelling up there” (H, July 2018)

“The problem is, I’m so unsure of what I want in life…he makes me feel like a princess, he makes me feel safe, and he absolutely makes me feel so loved. I felt like I wanted to explore the world more, I wanted to be young and careless and have fun…I have struggled with severe depression all my life… I don’t know if I’m really unsure about him, or if it’s just my whole life I’m unsure about” (Sage, Aug 2018)

“Just broke up with my boyfriend. We were together for 4 years and 8 months. At first, everything was wonderful… After about two years, I started to lose feelings for him… Whenever he would mention about moving in or getting married, I would feel terrified and claustrophobic… I said, I love you but the feelings weren’t there… What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just move in or get married like other people. Why do I feel like I do?” (Racquel, May 2020).

anita

Dear alette:

“When he said no it’s not, it was the talk that he didn’t want… avoiding it… And the main reason, why he wants us to break up, he does not give it clearly“-

From relationship hero/ blog/ sudden breakup without explanation: “Being broken up with…  can be extremely heartbreaking but also very confusing. This confusion often gets even worse if your ex didn’t give any reason for breaking up – no reason, no explanation. You’re left in a state of confusion and anxiety, constantly stuck trying to analyze and figure out why the breakup happened. It can even make the person angry about not getting a proper resolution from their ex…

“Sometimes people don’t or can’t give a reason because they can’t bring themselves to be completely honest. They’re worried that they might hurt you or that it might cause a blowup that they’d just rather avoid. Breakups are often messy after all. If you ever noticed in the past that they had a slightly avoidant nature, that may have also carried over to the breakup conversation. The important takeaway is that they do have a reason, it’s just not being expressed.
<p class=”P-dZAPMR enaUMN”>”They don’t want the breakup to be any more painful than it already is. So they avoid sharing their real reason. Conversely, this can make things more difficult for the other person, because it creates a lack of closure. It’s understandable that one feels angry at their ex for not properly explaining their reasons behind breaking up. Some would even call it unfair…</p>
“Pushing them to explain their reason(s) will not help to win them back or even reconnect with them. If they’re unable to talk about how they feel, that is just how it is. They may not fully understand it themselves. Everyone has their own emotions and conditioning that drives their behavior, and it’s often not done with complete awareness. Pushing your ex for the clarity will only drive them further away. In this situation, we recommend a no contact period. Give them space from whatever triggered the breakup, and time for you to focus on you.
<p class=”P-dZAPMR enaUMN”>”During this time, it’s important to maintain focus on you and not on what motivated them to break up in the first place. Staying fixated on the ‘why’ will not help you, and will most likely just hurt your progress. This isn’t to say that one shouldn’t try to figure out why the breakup happened. Especially if the goal is to reconnect with them or to try and win them back. But it’s important to not fixate on it and especially important to not pressure the ex for an explanation.”-</p>
– This reads like valuable advice to me, is it to you?

Back to what you shared: “Our arguments have never been serious and we usually resolve immediately and they were rare, we have only argued like 4 times in our two year relationship. We had this thing that we should not go to bed while angry at each other“- do you think, having known him for so long, that he generally avoids conflict with people, in which case, maybe it’s not that arguments were resolved on his end, but rather avoided?

anita

Dear Lunaryogini:

I thought maybe I’d share this with you: part of my c-PTSD consisted of endless sessions where my mother accused me of lying to her, even though I didn’t lie to her. She’d take any kind of (normal) inconsistency in what I said as proof to me lying for the purpose of hurting her feelings.

Fast forward to today: in my first reply to you, I wrote that I read your June 2023 posts, and asked you about suggesting a polygraph test to your boyfriend. In my 2nd post, I wrote that I didn’t read the part of your June 2023 post where you wrote that he offered to take a polygraph test. In my mind, a voice screamed: she’d think that I lied! And I was distressed over it.

I will explain the inconsistency here: I read parts of your 2023 posts. I didn’t read all of the two posts this morning. I read it all back in June last year. I have been a participant in the forums since May 2015, but deleted my account Feb 2023 and returned under a different account later in 2023. During my deleted time, I read all posts submitted, including yours.

My mind is still trying to prevent my mother’s next accusatory and shaming session by locating where I was not consistent and trying to be exact in my wording. But no one, when speaking or typing away can be exact all the time or even much of the time, considering all interpretations and possible misinterpretations and like a lawyer, cover all possibilities in no uncertain terms.

anita

Dear Lunaryogini:

I read your two June 30, 2023 posts on your Lying Fiancé thread, and your original post on the current Lies- stay or leave? thread, more than 7 months later. I would like to reply to you further later today. But for now, 3 things come to mind:

(1) your “pattern of not trusting men“, as you called it, will most likely take place no matter the man you are involved with. Even a man who’d never lie to you about anything… there’s always the chance that maybe he will in the future,

(2) I don’t see evidence that your fiancé is untrustworthy in regard to not having had an intimate relationship with his then estranged but visiting wife.

(3) It would have helped if the man you were involved with never lied to you about anything, and if you attended (more?) quality therapy. Maybe a different man is the answer for you.

Or maybe it’d help if you suggested and he agreed to take a lie detector test on the matters that concern you…?

anita

Dear Healing Seaturtle:

Overnight stay at the hospital (3 hours sleep), five incisions, sore and one ovary preserved-  – Less sore and rested this morning, I hope..???

“I am so happy about that and that I made the right decision to wait“- the saying goes, good things happen to those who wait. In yes magazine. org/ the science behind why good things really do happen to people who wait, the writer includes studies and surveys that indicate that patience (patiently waiting instead of impulsively reacting) is good for our physical and mental health, and it leads to long-term success in achieving our goals. (“The road to achievement is a long one, and those without patience—who want to see results immediately—may not be willing to walk it…”).

“The past month my mom and grandma have been asking me about my surgery and so I’ve given them updates, but my dad never sent one message. Last night he tried to blame me that he didn’t know the details…The messages are long… he called me self absorbed for thinking he would text me. He brought up the copay he paid for and said he felt unappreciated. What a throw back to housecleaning’s!.. By the end he said ‘let’s agree to disagree’“-

– for crying out loud, what a self-absorbed, unempathetic person! While you were at the hospital, before or after surgery, he sent you LONG, argumentative messages and tried to guilt trip you (instead of a short I love you message or two)! I don’t remember you giving an example more indicative of what you referred to in the past as his narcissism. His concern was not your health but for.. his feelings. He wanted his argument to Win.. and yours (while heading or recovering from a surgery) to Lose.

“I held my ground, third eye open… I trusted hatch and showed her last night that this was not true. I am proud of how I responded, he evaded responsibility in every single way… I did my best and he didn’t understand“- good job at trusting hatch, and holding your ground with an open third eye! He did not understand because his 3rd eye is closed.

“What was an interesting revelation for me however, was remember when we spoke about N preferring me to be weak? How he was attracted to me being weak but then resulted in him not respecting me when I was ‘weak.’ Well last night after holding my ground with several messages in return, I had a different result than before, ‘house cleaning’ typically ended with me crying and feeling I was at fault. Last night I didn’t give in and his last message was quite interesting, he said: ‘OK well I’m tired too. Know that I love you and we disagree about this and that’s OK. I’m going to write part of this off as you and me being very similar (a screaming/ crying emoji). I know that you didn’t mean to hurt me and I know you know the same about me. I think we can both do a little better job of communicating with each other in general. Get some rest’“- it is amazing how he makes himself SOUND oh so mature and fair a MOMENT after he expressed acute self-absorption and self-centeredness. He knows how to say all the right things after saying.. all the wrong things..  and before saying all the wrong things yet again (in the future) because the right-things were only a presentation, not the real deal.

F did not and will not open his 3rd eye and get his crown chakra to do some heavy-duty work because you stood your ground and displayed strength. Like a spider and other highly instinctive animals, he will adjust to your new behavior, that’s all. I don’t think that he can see anyone but himself.. well, he can’t see anyone on the other side of his (triggered) hurt/ unappreciated feelings.

He is similar to N, they both often enough said all the right things.. verbal presentations that make then appear like good, stand up men (“my partner is a stand up man, no question“, Oct 6, 2023). You did question this though, it for a long, long time, because your gut was telling you that N’s positive-sounding verbal presentations were just that- verbal presentations that did not present the true combo of his motivations, feelings, and understandings.

“I just had a revelation in that moment how similar he and N are. If I don’t eventually fall for the manipulation and take the fault, the next best thing they do is basically call it a fair match, yet still 0 responsibility. All his excuses reminded me of N. Healing seaturtle“- healing indeed and in more than one way!

anita

Dear allette:

I’ll reply Sun morning (It is Sar evening here). If you have any idea what he meant by “no, it’s not”- please add that info. Be back to you in the morning!

anita

Dear alette:

“We have the most perfect relationship that when I try to figure out what might have happened, I still do not understand.  I tried to ask him what brought the problem he said it nothing his feelings are not just the same“-

– Reads like you are facing a probable breakup today, and reads like he will not explain himself more than saying that he doesn’t have the same feelings for you anymore. I am sorry…

I wonder, by saying that the relationship was perfect.. what do you mean by perfect?

“I don’t know if I will be able to handle the breakup well. My Heart is already heavy“- maybe if you prepare for the meeting with him, prepared you will handle the probable breakup better…?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I wonder how you’re doing, it being Friday afternoon… post-surgery?

anita