Dear Caroline:

I re-read your thread from the beginning, taking notes, and this is what I figure this morning after a few hours of study (I’ll refer to your girlfriend as G, and in my comments, I will be using the present tense in regard to what you shared back in 2023 and onwards, for simplicity):

About G: “She works from home and is on camera very often and her mother is coming into her apartment (it’s in the same house) when she’s in a meeting sometimes” (July 1, 2023)- reads like her mother is intrusive and doesn’t ask G’s permission before entering G’s apartment. I assume that this is not new behavior on her mother’s part.

When you met G, “She did not have a job for years and didn’t believe in herself, she had this job where she cleaned some lady’s house, earning very little money. You wouldn’t even pay rent for her monthly earnings. She had no self esteem… she was so humble, shy” (July 1, 2023). This is in line with her growing up with an intrusive, dominant mother who made G feel powerless.

In relation to G, at the time of the beginning relationship, you felt superior, the one in power: “Then I got this job and I recommended her. (I have slightly higher position)… Me bossing her around was.. I don’t know really.. telling her to make dinner while she was at my place, telling her to pick up a package etc. The least she could do, because 4 days a week she was at home (she cleaned only on 1 day)  and I worked 6 days a week” (July 1), “When she was cleaning and I had better job.. I think yes I thought of her as inferior. She is younger and I already had more money, I paid for her many times. So I think I saw her as less capable at this time. Also I did shopping, made dinners etc. She usually just stayed at home doing nothing” (Jan 21, 2024)-

– At the time, you felt more powerful than G. You wanted to help her feel more powerful than she felt, and, I think, you didn’t feel comfortable with that power, so you decreased (diminished) your power in the relationship,  so that she will feel increased: “I wanted her to be more confident and to see her succeed. And it got out of hand because I started to diminish myself so that she wouldn’t feel worse” (July 1)

But it got out of hand (your words) and she became the dominant one in the relationship: “She does this often – I like something or want something like new furniture or new tv, or just order sushi – she always says ‘Why do you need it?’, ‘No, stop it’,  ‘don’t’,  and I …. stop it. I listen to her” (June 2, 2023), “she tells me to do or not to do things all the time, and the reason might be that I ask her about everything. While we are shopping I ask her ‘should we buy this’ ‘maybe I will buy this’ and she almost always says ‘No, don’t’. ‘You can’t afford it’ ‘Why do you need this’ and it’s always on grocery shopping that she cares about spending too much money (my money buying my things – and I have my own money)” (June 3, 2023)

Growing up, she had little to no power. For example, when she accompanied her mother shopping, and her mother over shopped, she had no power to stop her mother from buying too many things (“she used to shop with her mother and she would go around the shop for hours choosing stupid and unnecessary things to buy“, June 3, 2023), but with you, Caroline, she .. sort of made up for that lack of power by telling you what she couldn’t tell her mother: “No, stop it“!, “Don’t“!

“She is in power and allows me to do things. She decides” (June 8)- I am guessing that she found this new power intoxicating.

“I hope she will stop bullying me but I am afraid she kind of.. got used to it already. As I mentioned she apologized and then she continued doing the same. I think she doesn’t really notice it anymore, it’s how she communicates with me… I hate this life. Sorry if this is too much. I coped with so many similar situations already and seems like I have no one. No one who respects me anymore.” (June 2, 2023)- she likes her new power. And you hate going back to powerlessness with which you grew up.. your old powerlessness.

You hate your powerlessness, but you keep feeding it: “I realized she tells me to do or not to do things all the time, and the reason might be that I ask her about everything. While we are shopping I ask her ‘should we buy this’ ‘maybe I will buy this’… I ask her everything” (June 3, 2023).

Why do you feed something you hate (being powerless)? I believe that the answer to tis question is in this quote: “I  feel like there is no ME in this relationship. I became HER… I do not have autonomy. I become the other person. I think I am a bit scared.. of not being someone else, of being my own. I don’t know if this makes sense but I feel like this is what is happening here. I think being separate will break us up because I need her approval, I am scared of doing something she doesn’t like, of having life that she does not like, approve, does not want to go into. I prefer becoming someone else than risking her not approving my hobbies, lifestyle etc.” (June 13, 2023)-

– Seems to me, that being yourself is scary because in your mind, ever since you were a child, being you (having your own opinions, likes, wants, etc., and asserting those), meant being totally alone. And for a child, being totally alone is a threat to one’s very life.

“We finally agreed we were going to see Italy or some other place but we agreed on Italy. And I wanted to include her in searching for plane tickets etc., because I felt like she was leaving this for me and it felt too much” (Feb 4, 2024)- she wasn’t controlling (she didn’t take your power away) in regard to deciding on plane tickets, etc., you had the power to make those decisions, but you felt uncomfortable with that power.. it was too much power, for you, too much of a threat.

What followed reads like a negotiation of where to go, a negotiation in which, seems to me, she fairly included you, and the choice of where to go was not because she bullied you, not at all in this case. You said let’s go to Athens (“I said: no, let’s go to Athens“), so Athens it is.

Back to the fear of having and asserting your own opinions, likes, preferences, etc., what happened to you as a child when you expressed such to your parents/ family members?  In my case, when I did (and I don’t remember expressing), I know that I was dismissed at best and punished at worse.. ridiculed and made fun of.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“The dreams change, but the last two nights in a row in the dream, I have an opportunity to go back to the way it was, and my dream self wants to. As if my dream self, third eye closed, thinks that suffering through the bad parts of the relationship are worth getting the good parts back in my life. I miss the smallest things like kissing his cheeks..”-

– there is a saying, “the heart wants what the heart wants“. In other words, your heart chakra wants N back. It’s not the job of the heart chakra to see the suffering through the bad parts of the relationship, it’s the 3rd eye chakra’s job. When you’re asleep… all your eyes are closed, and the heart and sacral chakras have their say. All chakras’ input are valid, but the crown chakra has to do a good job putting all the input together into an accurate bigger picture.

“Tomorrow I have my pre-operation for my surgery… The surgery is supposed to be Friday“- I am looking forward to read, I hope, that there are no complications and that the surgery was successful.

“Next is to get my passport from N. I have thought about sending someone to get it for me, but there is a bigger part of me that wants to see him“- it may turn out to be a good idea to see him in-person. Who knows, maybe he will arrange to have your stuff outside his home right before you pick it up, and not see you… so to hurt your feelings.

anita

Dear Stacy:

I am fine, thank you. I hope that you fully recover soon and get back to work and to a routine you are comfortable in. Thank you for letting me know. I will be looking forward to reading from you again!

anita

Dear Ssleeping:

You are welcome. It is admirable that you intend to keep your promise to him

“Do you think we just need time and his feelings will return?“- maybe but like I wrote in my first reply, fear is a very powerful emotion

“How would I broach the topic of avoidant attachment? I don’t want to push him further away“- you can copy and paste for him about the topic, send it to him and ask him what he thinks about it.

anita

One more thing: you are always welcome to post again in your tread. I grew positively attached to you and your thread!

anita

Dear me aka Pete:

I am thrilled to read from you again. I wanted to let you know that I returned to the forums months ago, but given that you deleted your account back then, I figured that you will not be reading a message from me. I want to read your post more attentively and reply later today (I am so tired right now). Again: feels good to read from you again!!!

anita

Dear Ssleeping:

You’ve been in a romantic relationship with your boyfriend for 3 years and living together for the past year. I am trying to separate how you currently feel about him and the relationship with him from his words and actions.

How you feel: “I know he’s my soulmate… Our souls have connected, I feel like I’ve always known him… I know he’s the one… I  keep going through phases of being destroyed and hopeful… I know we are meant to be together, I feel it. I feel hopeful that we will come back – he’s my person. I’m just so scared“.

His words and actions: Before: “We’ve talked about getting married, have given each other jewelry short of engagement rings…we’ve named future children“.

Recently: “He said he started thinking about moving into a house together… He then started feeling anxious when thinking about it…  over the coming days he said he doesn’t want this anymore and needs to be alone..  he said things feel different… He said that he feels like we’re just friends, that it doesn’t feel romantic anymore, we are very intimate often, even after this has happened. He said I’m still the most special person in his life and always will be, that we are the most connected, that he could never love anyone more than he loves me. He said we are still our own word that we use for soulmates… He said he doesn’t want other people, he just wants to be alone.  He said he doesn’t know what he wants in the future and just knows right now he doesn’t want this… He said he thought of the word and idea of a break, but he can’t say if it’s just time that’s needed or if we’ll get back together. He’s said the thought of that if it’s meant to be, it will happen again is keeping him from breaking down completely. That it gives him hope“.

About his childhood+, you wrote: “He was abused and abandoned as a child and teenager and has always been very independent because he’s had to be, he’s also based self worth on others and never coped well alone… I should mention that he is very impulsive“.

You asked: “Do you think we just need time? It gives me so much hope to think this, so much hope that I feel it so deeply… I feel an urge to bring the anxious avoidant attachment style to his attention and see what he thinks, does he need to come to this realisation himself? I really think this might have been what has happened here. Does he need time and therapy to see this?”

My thoughts and attempted answers: it is very common for children who grew up abused and abandoned (this has been true in my case for many years) to associate love with hurt, and therefore we fear being trapped in this combo of love and hurt, and we want OUT.

This is very much what the term  anxious avoidant attachment style is about. But if you tell him about this attachment style (I don’t see the harm in telling him), the information will not make his fear go away. It’s a guttural fear, and once it takes hold, it’s hard to reverse it.

Once in his mind, the idea and fear of being trapped with you (by moving to a house together and cementing the relationship further) was cemented, it’s hard to dissolve this cement. The more you pursue him by being emotionally and physically intimate with him, the more persistent his fear will be. This is so because fear is stronger and more urgent than any other emotion.

Your best bet to get to a point where he loves you more than he fears you, I believe, is to end all intimate talk with him, as well as physical intimacy because that will play into another fear of his: that of being left alone (“never coped well alone“, you wrote about him). It is only if you remove the threat (your love!) from him, that he might feel safe enough to.. want you back as a partner in life.

Quality therapy will be great for him and for you (separately and/ or together, at one time or another). Also: be careful to not let your hope and longing for him to distort your view of what is happening, including the probability that he feels guilty for wanting out and therefore he may be saying nice things to you to ease your pain (and possible anger) at being rejected by him.

If you would like to post again and communicate with me on the topic, you are welcomed to do so.

anita

Dear David:

Welcome to your forum! I am not sure I understand: do you mean that you want this forum to be your personal wellbeing journal, as in journaling your “path to transformation”, as you called it?

And when you ask for others’ experiences in this journey, do you have more specific questions?

anita