Dear Caroline:

“Now I know I agreed to this city she picked but I can’t help thinking: Am I again doing something she picked? I think I kind of am. But I won’t say anything anymore because she tried and she asked and I couldn’t say. And I said okay it’s the best choice. Now I keep thinking I did this again to myself and I won’t enjoy this trip because again it was something she wants to do…  I just agreed on vacation I am not excited about. Again.“-

– Everything is difficult when you don’t own your .. own life: all relationships are difficult, at work and personally, there’s so much self-doubt and heightened anxiety when your life is owned (in your mind) by someone else, someone more powerful than you… and there is always someone more powerful than you… when you feel powerless.

From psychology today on powerlessness: “It is the feeling that we have had to, or must seriously, compromise ourselves or something we hold dear due to external forces seemingly beyond our control”, “Power exists in all relationships. Having power means to have a sense of control, to have choices and the ability to influence our environment and others. It’s a natural and healthy instinct to exert our power to get our wants and needs met…

“Impaired Power: In contrast, many of us may feel powerless and victims of outside forces. We can feel like our destiny is out of our hands. Some of us voluntarily give up our power to others. We may feel uncomfortable with exercising our own power, and believe that we will alienate others. Instead, we might react to others, defer to their wants and need, and have trouble making decisions and initiating independent action. We might feel like we’re being mean or raising our voice when we merely state what we want or don’t like.

“This impaired sense of power is common and stems from: 1. A habitual external focus 2. Shame and low self-esteem- not feeling worthy. 3. Dependence and lack of autonomy– excessive need for a relationship 4. Lack of assertiveness and deference to others’ decisions 5. Discomfort with power and a belief that it harms relationships. 6. Fear of rejection and abandonment…

“Power Imbalances in Relationships: Many relationships have power imbalances. If we’ve denied our power and don’t express ourselves for any of the above reasons, it’s natural for someone else to fill the vacuum.”

Remember how you started your first thread on tb back in Sept 2022? “I have a male friend“- he, a coworker at the time, was more powerful than you and he took over your life back then, he filled in that Personal Power Vacuum (PPV, if you will).

Back to psychology today/ do you feel controlled in your relationship: “Growing up in a dysfunctional family can result in an impaired relationship to power. Generally, this occurs if we grow up in families where power was exercised over others in a dominant-submissive pattern. Our needs and feelings were ignored or criticized. When personal power and self-worth aren’t encouraged we come to believe that power and love can’t coexist. Power gets a bad rep. We’re afraid of our own power or can only get our needs met by being indirect. We might learn to feel safe and be loved through accommodating others, by and people-pleasing… We may be unable to know and assert our wants and needs or make decisions, often even for ourselves. We relinquish control over ourselves and often defer to others or don’t act at all…

“How to Become Empowered: Love and power are not incongruous. In fact, love doesn’t mean giving up oneself, which eventually leads to resentment. Love actually requires the exercise of power. To claim our power means learning to live consciously, taking responsibility for ourselves and choices, building self-esteem, and asking directly for our needs and wants. As we learn to express ourselves honestly and set boundaries and say no, we create safety and mutual respect, allowing our partner to do the same”-

– to this day, Caroline, I have some trouble knowing what I want and/ or asserting what I want. When asked what I want, I commonly say: whatever you want. I grew up very much in a dominant (my mother)- submissive (myself) pattern of relationship. The way to please my mother when she was angry at me, raging at me with words that hurt so much (and some physical violence) was to lower my head and look at the ground. I remember her saying to me during a pause in beating me: “the only thing I like about you is that you are looking down and you don’t say anything back to me“.

I remember that sentence because it made me feel like a good girl, that there is something likeable about me, something that draws approval: to be submissive, to display powerlessness for someone powerful.. hence the birth of my own PPV (Personal Power Vacuum).

I still experience the euphoria of feeling approved of, of feeling liked- sometimes- by being submissive, as in saying to another: you’re in control, whatever you want. But then, I suffered a WHOLE LOT for giving my power away, bringing me to practical life circumstances that are hurting me now, and which I cannot reverse.

Back to your post, you wrote in regard to my suggestion that you try guided meditations: “Ok, I will do this today. In what way is it going to help?“- I hope that it will help you to slow down, to calm down, which is an emotion regulation skill required for you to think effectively when needed, and come up with real solutions to real problems, instead of drowning in self-doubt and overthinking.

anita

Dear Caroline:

Yesterday, Sunday at 1:54 pm (my time) I submitted a post to you ending with: “After you do a little research emotion regulation skills (part of DBT), CBT, and assertiveness skills, let me know what you think about what you read and we can talk about it further.“.  At 2:42 pm, you submitted this post: “Okay, reading about this right now, Anita.”

TWELVE MINUTES LATER, at 2:54 pm, you submitted this post: “Anita, it sounds really good. But I wonder if it’s easy to find a quality therapist. I may need to ask on fb pages or do some research“, and EIGHT MINUTES LATER, at 3:02 pm, you submitted this post: “I found interesting article on assertiveness. There are some exercises and examples how to talk to people. I don’t know if I can do this.. I would like to. But I also feel exhausted. And I am trying since last year. I thought I changed so much already. Why is it so hard.“.

Back to what I suggested to you: I suggested that you do a little research on “emotion regulation skills (part of DBT), CBT and assertiveness skills“, and after your little research, I asked that you will let me know what you think about these three topics.

By little research, I didn’t mean a total of twenty minutes which included you typing the last 2 posts. Maybe you rushed so much because you were anxious and exhausted. You have to be calm enough to be able to patiently read and process information.

Here is from positive psychology. com/ emotion regulation(it includes the mention of the relevant CBT and DBT; I am adding the boldface feature to the quote to emphasize what I believe that you need to do): “Most Useful Emotional Regulation Skills for Adults: Self-regulation is all about pausing between feeling and reactions – it encourages us to slow down for a bit and act after objectively evaluating a situation… With proper regulation and self-control, we gain the power to stay calm under pressure… Here are some skills that can help in cultivating emotional regulation and sustaining it during challenging times in life. 1. Self-awareness: Noticing what we feel and naming it is a great step toward emotional regulation. For example, when you feel bad, ask yourself – Am I feeling sad, hopeless, ashamed, or anxious?…

“2. Mindful awareness:… Simple mindful exercises such as breath control or sensory relaxation can calm the storm inside and guide our actions in the right way. 3. Cognitive reappraisal: Cognitive reappraisal includes altering the way we think. It is an essential component of psychotherapies like CBT, DBT, and Anger Management, and calls for greater acceptance and flexibility… where we try to look into a stressful situation from a whole new perspective. For example, we can replace thoughts like ‘My boss hates me’, ‘I am no longer needed here’, etc. with alternatives such as, ‘My boss is upset at this moment… I know I am hard working and honest, let me give it another try’, etc.. By doing so, we gain a broader and better perception of our problems and react to them with more positivity…..”.

You can’t heal, Caroline, if you don’t do the work such as attentively reading and calmly considering what you are reading. If you do take a few days off work, I hope that you will be able to do this…?

anita

Dear Caroline:

I will reply further in the morning, but for now, in regard to: “Ok. But what if I can’t say what I want?“- you can say: I don’t know what I want right now. Let’s talk about it again late, after I think about it for awhile. This way, you are assertive and you are taking a timeout, so to figure out- when you are away from her and from the conversation, when you are alone- what it is that you want.

anita

Dear Caroline:

“Sounds really comforting that you had the same emotions and it got better. Gives me hope. I wish I could it overcome this“- yes, I very much suffered from what you are describing, that vacuum, lack of emotion regulation and assertiveness skills, troubled relationships and that tormenting feeling that there is something very wrong with me. I worked hard in therapy (2011-13) with a CBT therapist who also did DBT work with me as well as  Mindfulness work.  My participation in these forums is part of my healing process post therapy.

After you do a little research emotion regulation skills (part of DBT), CBT, and assertiveness skills, let me know what you think about what you read and we can talk about it further.

anita

Good Sunday afternoon, Seaturtle:

You are welcome and thank you for being awesome!

“As I read n“- was a typo, I meant, As In read on (I don’t bring up N anymore and will talk about him only if you bring him up).

“Do you think there are still things hatch is hiding that I do not know about at all? If so, that is exciting news (excited face emoji)– I am sure that there are still things to uncover and discover about hatch (equally excited face emoji)

“The past 2 months, every time I miss N, I go over all the reasons why I did what I did, and I do get to a settled place… it makes sense I have not cried a ton since the breakup, because I cried over the breakup many times already, in the relationship“- imagine a lifetime of crying within the relationship.

“However, this morning, I sat down, a little over an hour ago now, and my intention was to open my third eye, have my crown chakra vibrating, and come to this forum. But as I was meditating, to open my third eye, I suddenly felt very sad, I miss N… there were good times, good times I miss with a friend (not good times I miss as a partner) … sic. I don’t want to make hatch hide that she misses N, but I also cannot sit in that for too long or it can start to cloud my judgement and decisions“- this is a very mature Seaturtle (hatch’s ideal parent): uncovering hatch’s sadness and her missing N as a friend, acknowledging and respecting hatch’s feelings, and setting healthy limits for hatch, for her own well-being.

“Is hatch the essence of my personality?“- hatch is the pre-personality part of you; she is who you were (and still are) before you adjusted (mostly) to your parents.

“I wonder! I would love to know if anyone’s related to me here“- there are people who read the forums and never post, silent readers.

“If authenticity and popularity could coincide, then I suppose that would feel good, the opposite of lonely“- I understand, yes, this is why you didn’t like my idea of you being an influencer, being that many are not authentic.  Authenticity is very important to you… and to me.

anita

Dear Caroline:

“Maybe I should be seeing a therapist“- if you can afford one who is a good CBT therapist who will teach you emotion regulation skills (distress tolerance), that will be best for you!

(I m adding the boldface feature to this quote): “In the past I used to watch a lot of movies she wanted to, and I was bored because I didn’t like them. But SHE liked them and she wanted us to watch it.. She just encouraged me, did not force me of course.. But I don’t have my own opinion most of times… I could never say no. That’s why I am angry now when she says she is not interested in something I want to see…I feel resentful now and stupid“- this is a classic description of a codependent relationship where your sense of self/ self identity is minimal, there is like a vacuum in the area where Caroline’s Identity (Caroline’s opinions, likes, wants) is supposed to be , so- in your mind and in practice- she takes over this vacuum: life becomes about her opinions, her likes, her wants. The result is indeed anger and resentment on the part of the one who is codependent.

“She agreed to watch a movie last time because she already knows I would be angry about it. That’s the only way I can get her to do anything with me“- if you don’t express to her that you dislike something and you go along with it, then it’s only when you get angry that she has the opportunity to know that you don’t like something…?

“I could never do something like that. I could never decide “I will pay and you just.. go away with your credit card”. She would not let. If she wanted to pay and I would try to stop her – that would not happen“- you need to learn assertiveness skills. If you act assertively with her (instead of passively/ codependently), you will not be angry with her for being assertive.

In regard to whether you told her in the past that it offends you when she pays for groceries, you answered: “I never told her that“- so when she paid for groceries, she didn’t know and had no way to know that it’d offend you.

“We planned vacation… We finally agreed we were going to see Italy… she said Venice it is… at this point I did not know what I wanted anymore… Am I mentally ill?“- you are in a desperate need to learn emotion regulation and assertiveness skills, as well as challenging distressing thoughts (CBT).

“Anita.. can you tell what is wrong with me? I feel like I am really trying to be honest, to have a good relationship and I can see she is also trying. She really does. Or those things I said to her what makes me upset etc. she does try to change it. Not perfectly and not every time but I see she does want to. And yet still there’s a problem every time we try to talk about something“- the vacuum I mentioned earlier, it needs to get filled with Caroline, with what Caroline thinks, likes (and dislikes) wants, believes in, etc. Your girlfriend did not create this vacuum. It was created long ago, when you were growing up.

You need to get to know yourself, get to know the positive and wonderful things about yourself and come to a place where you think well of you, a place where you esteem and respect yourself. Does this sound right to you?

anita

Dear Jus:

You are welcome. I hope that you learn from the experience, be wiser for it, and that you are feeling better. If it helps, you are welcome to share here your deep thoughts and I will attentively and respectfully reply to you.

anita