Dear Going Through Life:

You are welcome. (I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes): “Yes, I agree, she did give me the love and I had trouble accepting it. Even now when I think someone will love me I will end up pushing them away. I’m scared of that deep commitment”-

– love and hurt got associated/ connected in your brain (as it happens to so many of us). We are all afraid of pain (of emotional pain, as in feeling hurt, and of physical pain), and when pain is associated with love, we are afraid of love. So, we push away that which we are afraid of.

“I regret a lot not accepting her love“- I understand. But you do know, don’t you, that it was not your choice to not accept her love. It was a natural, physiological reaction to fear.

“Both our needs were greater than (the) other’s at some point“- very good point, insightful! Sometimes she needed you more than you needed her, and at other times, you needed her more than she needed you.

“I love more through physical touch, whether it be through physical intimacy or by a hug“- another good point: you needed love that’s expressed through physical touch/ intimacy. You shared that she didn’t want physical intimacy (sex) with you at some point, that she was not invested in setting physical dates with you, and that she kept you on the phone for hours- this makes me think that she needed love that’s expressed through words and non-physical attention.

“It (SK’s anxiety) did irritate me sometimes and made me drain out. I also made her drain out of energy when I was in my depression stage… Sometimes she did not (meet) my needs fully“- it is important for a healthy relationship to (1) control or regulate one’s emotions enough so to not drain the other person: to still express one’s emotions, but in a limited, responsible capacity. (2) not to expect the other person to meet all your needs. It is impossible to meet the needs of an adult whose needs were not met in childhood because needs that were unmet for so long, are very intense needs.

“She (mother) was never dependent on me, at that time… I just ignored feeling anything, usually I went numb“- you went numb as a reaction to strong feelings of hurt and fear. This is how it happens that children go numb. Going numb make the child feel less hurt and less fear.

Your numbed hurt and fear woke up in the context of the relationship with SK. (Numbed emotions are still there, they are not dead or gone).

“My mother was never dependent emotionally on anyone“- no human being is never dependent emotionally on anyone, and you were definitely emotionally dependent on your mother, as all children are.

“But I did see her cry a lot. She went through depression and PTSD after 2014″- you were 13 back then. What does a 13-year-old boy think and feel when he sees his mother cry a lot?

“But I do remember me and my mother used to hug a lot“- do you remember the circumstances of those hugs: did you hug her when she cried a lot, to make her feel better, and/ or did she hug you when you were upset, to make you feel better?

“My parents have always been unhappy with each other and they rarely interact even after living in the same house“- is this partly the reason why your mother hugged you a lot? Did she or your father turn to you- or to a sibling of yours- for the attention and interactions that they were lacking in their marriage?

“I think that’s why I really like physical touch“- I think that all humans really like physical touch until we associate physical touch with something negative. Maybe it happened to SK before she met you that she was touched sexually when all she wanted was to be touched affectionally, and … maybe that’s what was behind her rejecting you sexually at one point?

“Isn’t it selfish to not accept someone for how they are, if you really care about them”- (I may be asking too many questions..): do you feel that you did not accept SK for who she is and/ or that she did not accept you for who you are?

“I just want to get better and never hurt someone who I really care about and love“- this is the goal of a good person, good to read this!

anita

Dear Going Through Life: You are welcome. I hope that you are sleeping restfully, and that you will reply further tomorrow!

anita

Dear Going Through Life: I will read and reply to you in abut 12 hours from now.

anita

Dear Sarah Jane:

I didn’t know that tiny buddha existed at the time you posted here, back in 2014. I saw your (screen) name for the first time in a 2014 thread titled “suicide” by an original poster who deleted his account since, a thread that was reactivated today. I read your replies on that thread, and impressed by your selfless kindness and how hard you tried to help the OP, I clicked your screen name and found your 2014 threads, the last being this one that I am reactivating today. Reading your threads, I learned about your own severe health issues and chronic pain. How are you???

It will be a miracle if somehow you answer this inquiry of mine, yet… I hope for a miracle.

anita

Dear Alina:

“We had a same childhood trauma, I even was shocked how our parents are similar and the pain they gave us was the same. Like we grew up together in same family. I realized that this same trauma gave us same complexity: toxic shame. But I think I am more aware about myself than him because I had therapy before and I read more things about psychology, he had nothing to do in psychology, wasn’t interested at all. So, I understood how toxic shame affected our relationship from his side thanks to your comments. But I also discovered from my side: All this time after break up I was blaming myself for everything non-stop, In my mind I was aware about the situation and why it happened like that, but my feelings, my heart deeply inside there was a voice that told me that I deserve this pain, I deserve that someone I loved the most left me like I deserved that my parents were leaving me when I was a child and didn’t take care of me properly. I knew that it’s not logical, but there was just a feeling deep inside me. But after reading about this topic, I understood that this feelings comes because the toxic shame and I really understood that I need to practice more self-compassion and stop blaming myself for everything. Yes, I made some mistakes but the most important is that I admitted and apologized for them. I am conscious about myself, I try to understand things and this is a very precious point from my character, I am proud of myself that I have ability to analyze my situation and asking for help from everywhere, for knocking the doors, instead of drowning in negative thoughts”-

– what you wrote here is so meaningful, so insightful and intelligent that I copied it all. Wow!

“Also, I understood from my point is that I liked when someone put me on pedestal. For that time (the idealization period) I didn’t question that much about why did he idealize me, I was thinking that it was love, I wasn’t aware that its unhealthy to idealize someone in the beginning of the relationship. I was feeling that there is something wrong but I couldn’t analyze, I was just enjoying love-bombing, thinking that it was real love. So our childhood traumas gave us both this kinda ‘narcissistic” characteristics, we both liked flying in our fantasy, being something ‘upper’, ‘bigger’,  not living in the ground”-

– I can’t say anything better than how you said it (So, I am just copying, hoping that people read it and learn from what you expressed so well).

“With me it was different, I am more educated about mental health, I am more brave to change my job and place if I didn’t like the environment… I begged him for this, but still he didn’t even want to work on us. His emotions, his anger were so intense because of his complexity that he was ready to refuse me and my love. And I couldn’t help with that. So yes, I experienced so many emotions, learned things about relationships and discovered new things about myself, about my own complexities and character. I am young, I’m still growing up and all this pain that I went through is normal, I am doing good and I appreciate myself for making lessons from my experience (cuz most of people they don’t even try to understand)”-

– You are amazing, Alina!

“Yes, as you said I need to grieve now. I just need time for grieving and to stop trigger myself and torture myself. I just need to focus on myself and mental health, what I am doing now.“- yes, please do this. You do not deserve to suffer from toxic shame. The relationship didn’t and couldn’t work out because, like you stated and expressed here so well, you are educated about and interested in psychology and mental health, and he s not. You are brave enough to look into yourself and see what you referred to as your complexities.. and he does not have this unique kind of bravery.

“I would like to know more about you, like how old are you, what is your profession, where do you live? Also, what bring you to this forum, how did you decide to help people here? Do you have any writing works, if yes, where can I found them?… Also I would like to know about your values in life”-

– Like you, I am interested in psychology and mental health and have been interested since I was a teenager. I had my first quality psychotherapy in 2011-13 in a big city in the U.S., , and then moved to a rural area in a  different U.S. state. Here, I discovered tiny buddha forums in 2015, and its unique format has allowed me to continue to work on my mental health without attending professional therapy. It helps me to read other people’s stories, people from all over the world, and respond to them. I try to help others and myself at the same time. I have a bachelor degree but haven’t worked (for money) ever since I moved to this rural area.

I suffered from attention deficit disorder since a very early age. I am inattentive to details, I can’t remember, for example, the colors of the walls in the room where I sleep every night in the last 10 years. I can’t follow a lecture if it is not delivered in a very organized way with breaks that allow me to take notes. Nor can I follow the plot of a detective movie for example. I’d have to pause the movie and take notes if I want to follow the plot. I often get lost in real-life conversations. And although I love writing, I can’t write a short story, not to mention a novel.

And so, the only place I write is here, in these forums: it helps me to write when I respond to the original poster’s lines, line by line. It helps me to process the information here because I have all the time in the world to type, retype, read, re-read and edit. As far as my values: I value mental/ emotional health the most because I found out that the healthier I am, the better person I am to myself and to others. I value helping myself and others in the process of becoming better and better at no longer harming each other, but at helping each other.

anita

Dear Rebecca:

“Sorry but I can’t write it all out as its very likely that my parents might happen across this and recognise my writing.  I would like to, but I don’t want to be that open with them.“- I understand that your parents are familiar with the forums here, and you don’t want them to know that it is you posting here.

“By saying things were blurry, I mean my recollection of things isn’t as sharp right now and what’s bothering me most at the moment is someone who has been leaning on me for support and offloading and venting, despite me saying they needed to go to someone else…I was just starting to think positively and as it’s as if they trampled all over that by making me feel sorry for them and then once they had my attention blurting out all sorts of negative thoughts about others and society.   I hope I don’t do that. I realise I too now am blurting this out, but I felt exhausted by them. I don’t know what to do to shift the anger I feel“-

– (1) You are welcome to share here anything you want to share, as long as it doesn’t include any personal details that can identify you to people who know you personally and follow the forums,

(2) The anger you feel is at a person who filled your mind with negative thoughts about people and society at large even though you asked that person to stop doing that. I am sorry that the person did not respect your assertion and contaminated your mind just as you were starting to think positively. I hope that you are no longer in contact with that person..?

anita

Dear Sunoo:

You shared that your mother is 60 years old, suffering from HBP (high blood pressure), diabetes and severe back pain. Also, she suffers from a difficulty with, or an inability to say No to her adult daughters and does not speak up for herself. She becomes so stressed at times that she can’t get enough sleep.

You are 23, currently living with (1) your mother, (2) the youngest of your five sisters, a single young woman who works from home, (3)  the oldest of your sisters who is very busy with pursuing her PhD and is waiting for her husband to find residence nearby, (4) your oldest sister’s 2-year-old daughter, (4) frequently with one of your married sister’s daughter, a 4-year-old who you or your youngest sister often picks her up from school at noon, bathe and feed her, and she stays with you until evening, and sometimes overnight, (5) a cat.

You are scheduled to start an internship in March at a location far from home and your considered plan is that you and your youngest sister, two single women, will be moving away from home, leaving your mother behind. You are worried that if that happens, she will handle all the cooking, cleaning, and other household chores because the #1 priority and singular focus of the only other adult in the house, your oldest sister’s, is her PhD studies and taking care of her 2-year-old. And that this will be to physically demanding of her, given her health issues.

Therefore, you are considering moving close to your internship location with your youngest sister and with your mother, but you worry that it will be a financial strain for you and for your youngest sister because your internship allowance is limited as well as her salary (Option 1).

You are also considering not moving at all for your internship, and instead commuting daily, which will be exhausting for you, and because you will not be spending much time home, it will not significantly alleviate your mother’s burden (Option 2).

You are considering moving and hiring help for the household chores back home, but you worry that your mother will do the work regardless, and you are concerned with the cost (Option 3)

“I want my MOTHER (to) lead a peaceful life in her 60’s… I am frustrated and eager to help my mother, having discussed these concerns with my sisters, albeit with limited success… I just want give her some way or help to speak up for herself… I speak in her place that give her better choices putting her health in priority“-

– My thoughts: your mother is in the habit, so you wrote (“She cannot say ‘NO’ to her children as she take it as a habit“), of not saying No to her adult daughters. She is also in the habit of cleaning and cooking and otherwise taking care of her adult daughters and granddaughters. She is in the habit taking on her daughters’ responsibilities upon herself. This means that possibly, she will resist your plan to remove her from her current location and activities, and that if she moves away with you, she might want to go back to where she is at now.

I imagine that she finds a meaning to her life, a calling, if you will, to work for and help her daughters and granddaughters, and that if you remove her from her calling, she will be very uncomfortable and very distressed. I imagine that she will insist on taking care of you and of your younger sister in the new location, so much so, that she will burden the two of you with over-working for you, over helping.

You want her to “lead a peaceful life in her 60s“, but if the stress is within her, as in a mental-emotional habit.. a different location, different physical circumstances (even luxury!) are not likely to change her habit. Rationally, you’d think that it’d be good for your mother’s health to live away from her current responsibilities, but strangely perhaps, it’s her current lifestyle that -although brought about her health issues- is also keeping her alive.

What do you think, Sunoo, about what I’m thinking…?

anita

Dear Renn:

You are welcome! I will read and reply to you Mon morning (it is Sun 12:41 pm here).

anita