Dear Substantial:

Thank you for sharing your detailed and heartfelt thoughts. It sounds like you’re navigating a complex and emotionally challenging situation. Here are some reflections and suggestions that might help you gain clarity:

It’s understandable to feel frustrated when you believe you’re putting in more effort than your partner. Relationships ideally involve mutual give-and-take, where both partners actively contribute to each other’s happiness and well-being.

Open communication is key. It’s important to express your feelings and needs clearly while also listening to her perspective. This can help both of you understand each other’s expectations and find a middle ground.

Over-giving to the point of losing yourself can lead to burnout and resentment. It’s crucial to maintain a balance where you also prioritize your own needs and well-being.

The anxiety you feel might be a signal that something needs to change. Addressing this anxiety through self-care practices and possibly seeking professional help can provide relief.

Your concept of love involves selflessness and going out of one’s way for the other person. Reflect on whether your values, goals, and expectations align. Compatibility is essential for a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Consider whether issues related to self-esteem or insecurities might be influencing your perception of the relationship. Building self-confidence can help you approach the relationship from a place of strength.

Setting healthy boundaries can ensure that your needs are met without compromising your well-being.

It’s understandable to feel hurt when your efforts to visit her aren’t reciprocated. Look for compromises that work for both of you, such as alternating visits or finding convenient meeting points.

Consider seeking (more and better) therapy to explore your feelings, anxieties, and relationship dynamics. A therapist can provide valuable insights and strategies for navigating these challenges. If both of you are open to it, couples therapy can help address underlying issues and improve communication.

Take the time to reflect on your needs, values, and the overall dynamics of the relationship. Trust your instincts and make a decision that prioritizes your well-being and happiness. Navigating relationships can be complex, especially when feelings of imbalance and anxiety are involved. Remember to prioritize your well-being, communicate openly, and seek professional guidance if needed. You deserve a relationship where both partners actively contribute and support each other.

I hope to read more from you and have a conversation with you!

anita

Dear Peter:

Peter, Jan 10, a quote (I am adding big case letters): “We must renounce our childhood vows. They TRAP OUR HEARTS… we BELIEVE the LIE and make the VOW. It is important to break the vow so it may not have a strong hold on our hearts”- my childhood vow: From now on, from today on, I will be a good girl!

What TRAPPED MY HEART was the LIE that yesterday I was bad, and if I am not careful today- if I don’t follow the rules or in the absence of external rules, make my own rules (“Rules 4 Life”)- I will be as bad today as I was yesterday.

It is important for me to break the vow because it traps my heart in the desire to be good.

If I know that I am good, I no longer desire to be good. What other desire may take the place of the-desire-to-be-good?

The desire for the experience of life beyond the trap of waiting-to-be-good. A sigh of relief. Running through an imaginary field of green grass, the gentle sun above, a child running, falling, lying on the ground frozen in time for decades, then getting up, an older woman resuming the run across field of green grass. Perhaps briskly walking across, don’t think I can run, not like a child ca run. Too hard for my aging knees.

I am so very tired today, Peter, feeling a bit depressed. Be back tomorrow.

anita

Dear Peter:

I asked you: “If you ask peter the young boy: ‘what do you hope for?’ What will he say?”, and you answered: “Funny Sad that just reading that question I feel a tightness in my lower abdomen as my hope as a young boy came from a place of fear and anxiety or you might say discomfort and the Hope was for comfort because discomfort was not only bad but ‘sin’. I’m afraid my Hope was not for Life but to change what cannot be changed. In other words as a young boy I was unknowingly saying a big NO to Life while believing I could fix it by being good and following all the rules”-

– Processing: you described your childhood hope as stemming from fear and anxiety. This implies that your primary motivation for hope was to escape and prevent discomfort (fear, anxiety) rather than to seek positive experiences.

You linked discomfort with being “bad” or even “sinful.” The use of these terms implies a moral judgment. It indicates that you viewed discomfort not just as an unpleasant experience but as a sign of personal failing or moral inadequacy, believing perhaps that any discomfort you felt was a reflection of your own shortcomings or wrongdoings.

Generally, these beliefs in children are shaped by external expectations or teachings by caregivers, authority figures, or cultural and religious norms. Examples of how such a message is sent to a child by a caregiver: (1) the caregiver dismisses the child’s fear or anxiety by saying things like, “Stop being a baby”, “There’s nothing to be afraid of”, or “Why are you always so scared? You’re such a coward”. This can make the child feel that their emotions are invalid, that experiencing them is wrong, and that feeling fear is a personal failing.

(2) the caregiver rolling their eyes, sighing, or showing impatience when the child expresses fear, sending the message that the child’s emotions are unwelcome or bothersome.

(3) the caregiver Ignores the child’s expressions of fear or anxiety, making the child feel that their emotions are not worthy of attention or support.

Some religious teachings emphasize the idea that fear is a lack of faith or trust in a higher power. For example, messages like, “If you truly had faith, you wouldn’t be afraid”, associating fear and anxiety with sinfulness or moral weakness, leading the child to feel guilty and a failure for feeling fear.

In cultures that value emotional restraint, children are taught that showing fear or anxiety is a sign of weakness. Phrases like, “Real men don’t cry” or “You need to toughen up” reinforce the idea that fear is unacceptable.

Cultures that emphasize success and perfection convey the message that fear and anxiety are obstacles to achievement and should be overcome or hidden to maintain an image of competence.

Portrayals of fearless heroes in movies, TV shows, and books create an ideal that fearlessness is a desirable trait, leading children to feel inadequate for experiencing fear.

Role models, such as parents, teachers, or public figures, who emphasize courage and downplay fear, may inadvertently make children feel that their own fears are unacceptable.

Back to your words, Peter, your reflected that your hope as a child was not directed towards embracing life but rather towards changing what could not be changed, and that you believed that by being good and following all the rules, you could “fix” your discomfort. For you, following rules became a control mechanism, believing perhaps that if you behaved perfectly and met all expectations, you would avoid negative emotions such as fear, anxiety, or guilt.

Generally, rigid conformity involves a lack of flexibility in behavior and thinking. It means strictly following rules without considering context or personal needs. This mindset leads to suppressing one’s true self and emotions to fit into a mold of what is perceived as “good” or acceptable, and it reflects a misunderstanding of the nature of emotions, which cannot always be controlled through external behaviors. Over time, this suppression can lead to resentment and frustration, as the individual’s authentic self is not being acknowledged or expressed.

Believing that one’s worth is tied to rule-following leads to conditional self-worth. This means feeling worthy only when meeting certain standards or expectations. Failure to meet these standards can result in harsh self-criticism.

Using rule-following as a coping mechanism is ineffective for managing emotions in the long term. It does not address the root causes of fear and anxiety and can prevent the development of healthier emotional regulation strategies. It can also lead to avoidance of situations that might evoke negative emotions, limiting personal growth and experiences.

“Krishnamurti made an argument that most of our hope really represented a fear. And that one hoped when one was in despair… Years ago I determined that if one was to hope unskillfully it was best not to hope at all, which I still think, only I didn’t give up on the notion of learning to hope skillfully. It’s why I want to revisit my relationship with Hope – Krishnamurti not wrong but surprising myself, my gut says there is a Hope that, yes, we might turn to in times of trouble, but isn’t about fixing that trouble, or comparing, or even becoming… Though I feel such a hope would bring one closer to a ‘true self’. Kind of the Joy and sorrow relationship? Maybe? Language is going to get in the way, but think I’m in a space to explore it.”-

-Processing: Krishnamurti argues that hope often stems from a place of fear and despair. When individuals are in despair, they look for hope as a way to alleviate their suffering. This aligns with your earlier reflection, Peter, on your childhood hope being rooted in fear and anxiety.

You acknowledge that unskillful hope, which is rooted in fear and the desire to fix external circumstances can be unhelpful, and you now seek to explore a different kind of hope— one that isn’t about fixing trouble, comparing, or achieving. Your desire to revisit his relationship with hope indicates a shift towards acceptance and finding meaning in life’s experiences without the need to control or fix them. This aligns with the idea of moving away from rigid conformity and towards a more authentic and self-accepting approach.

“As a young boy I was unknowingly saying a big NO to Life while believing I could fix it by being good and following all the rules. (I think you had a similar experience with taking on the label of bad, if for different reasons? I wonder if most children do?)”-

– a lot of people can relate to this, and so can I. I believed that if I followed all the rules, I would become good and worthy of a good life. For a long time after I started my first quality psychotherapy in 2011, I was still compelled to make rules for myself. I used to type rules and print them on papers titled “Rules 4 Life”, then sign them. I believed, every time I typed, printed and signed 10-20 rules, or more, that I would follow them perfectly and that I just started a good life, being a good person worthy of a good life. Each such time ended with a new Rules 4 Life, a new effort. Talking about the futility of Rigid Conformity.

My Hope now is to say YES to me being me, a person who is no longer primarily suppressed and repressed, but expressed according to the values I believe in (do-no-harm is one), to undo the difficulty in processing my own feelings of conflict and despair: to let life live through me, as Hokusai Says (the poem)- to let my emotions (energy in-motion) flow through me, unrestricted by labels or rules.

My whole life I wanted to be good and worthy of that peace of mind that evaded me. As a way of life (a non-life), I was holding my breath literally (restricted inhaling & exhaling) and figuratively, following rules (and breaking them) until such time that I can breathe again, inhale, exhale, all the way, comfortably.

I wrote above: “Using rule-following as a coping mechanism is ineffective for managing emotions in the long term. It does not address the root causes of fear and anxiety”- the root cause of my ongoing anxiety has always been the devastating belief that I was a bad person waiting to be good.

Yesterday, I wrote to you: “In childhood, time has a different quality, a timeless quality, and when tragedy hits, there’s a forever feel to it”- the tragedy that hit me and stayed persistently for decades, is the accusation that I was a bad person, and that I was a bad person from a time before I had a chance to have a say about it: a chance to correct any (what?) bad deeds. The accusation just fell from the skies (my mother= god) and crushed me for so very long.

I will go over your thread from the beginning and connect it to Hope- in a later post.

anita

Dear Jana:

You’ve articulated a very insightful perspective on external validation. 😊

Yes, I do think that external validation is often (not always) fleeting and can change based on how well one’s behavior, opinions, or characteristics align with another person’s internal validation standards. People’s approval is often conditional, based on whether someone fits their expectations and preferences.

Your calm and quiet nature may not align with a talkative and wild person’s internal validation, but personally, a calm, quiet, introverted nature (in-person) is just what I need from a person, as such a person has a calming affect on me, while being around a talkative, extroverted person makes me anxious.

Even when validation is initially given, it can be withdrawn if changes in opinions or behavior no longer match the other person’s internal validation framework, and therefore, such validation is indeed impermanent.

anita

Dear Lisa:

You’re very welcome. I’m glad to be able to offer support and help you on your journey.

“I am distressed over who I could have been had I received what I obviously lacked from childhood, security”-

– It’s completely understandable to feel distressed about what might have been different had you experienced the security you needed in childhood. The impact of those early years is profound, shaping our sense of self, our ability to trust, and how we navigate the world. It’s natural to wonder about the alternate paths your life could have taken with a foundation of security and stability.

When children feel safe to express their emotions, when they regularly receive comfort and understanding from caregivers, when they trust caregivers, when they feel protected, supported, they become adults who are confident in their abilities, more likely to take healthy risks and pursue opportunities; they are better equipped to form meaningful relationships, achieve personal and professional goals, and navigate life’s challenges with a sense of stability and self-worth.

* What I wrote right above about children feeling safe to express, etc., is not something I know from personal experience.

Remember, it’s not too late to build the sense of security and self-worth that you deserved then and deserve now. Your awareness and willingness to reflect on these experiences are already significant steps forward.

Take your time, and whenever you feel ready to share more, I’m here to listen and support you.

anita

You are welcome, Jana

😊 anita

Dear Jana:

Thank you! I just wrote to you on your other thread that the forums are my learning playground, so this morning I want to learn more about “this fear of people” (your words).

In your original post, Nov 7, 2024, you described feeling trapped in several parts of your story:

“I couldn’t just leave because when I did, I got scolded by adults. I lost my ‘independence’ and ‘control’ over the situation”, “I was trapped in a place where I wasn’t welcomed and regularly attacked by bullies and I wasn’t allowed to leave… actually I was literally ordered to stay without discussion”, “I suddenly found myself in a very cold, hostile environment, from which I couldn’t run away”.

Humans are physiologically animals. How do animals react to being trapped?

Short term reactions: 1. Flight or Fight Response: animals either try to escape the situation or prepare to defend themselves. There is an increase in heart rate and muscle tension to prepare for immediate action.

2. Freeze Response: some animals exhibit a freeze response, where they become motionless to avoid detection by predators, staying hidden and avoiding drawing attention, waiting for the danger to pass before they shake the freeze, so to speak, and resume normal movement and life.

Long-Term Reactions: 1. Chronic Stress: elevated ongoing levels of stress hormones like cortisol, making the animal more susceptible to diseases. Chronically stressed, animals may exhibit abnormal behaviors, such as repetitive movements, self-mutilation, or aggression.

2. Learned Helplessness: over time, animals may develop learned helplessness, where they stop trying to escape because they believe their efforts are futile. This can lead to depression-like symptoms, including lethargy and loss of interest in activities.

3. Physical Health Issues: prolonged stress can lead to weight loss and decreased appetite and reduced fertility.

In your original post, Jana, you described physical symptoms like shaking and feeling sick when going to school. This fits with the long-term reactions of other animals to being trapped, as chronic stress leads humans and other animals to elevated stress hormones, which can suppress the immune system and cause other health issues.

“I suddenly found myself in a very cold, hostile environment, from which I couldn’t run away, and my sensitive nature couldn’t resist it”- “from which I couldn’t run away” highlights your feeling of being trapped and powerless to escape, as in no matter what you do, you cannot change your situation or get away from the hostile environment.

“and my sensitive nature couldn’t resist it”: feeling that your sensitive nature makes or made you unable to cope or fight back against the hostility. This adds to your sense of helplessness because you perceives (or perceived) yourself as inherently unable to handle the situation. These expressions reveal your belief that you had no control over those circumstances and were unable to change or escape them.

Your physical and behavioral reactions to feeling trapped—such as anxiety, chronic stress, avoidance, and physical symptoms—parallel the responses seen in trapped animals. These reactions highlight the intense emotional and physical toll that feeling trapped and unsupported can have on an individual.

In your Nov 9 post, you described experiences with your neighbors and students, situations where you faced pressure, blame, and negativity. Your reactions to these situations: setting boundaries, opting for sensible approaches, and trying to remove yourself from toxic environments. Your reactions demonstrate your attempts to regain control and protect your emotional well-being. This is the undoing of learned helplessness and the path of healing.

In your Jan 1, 2025 post, you wrote: “It is very hard to be an introverted person in this very extroverted world and to be emotional and spiritual in a society which is very skeptical, pragmatic and materialistic”- feeling trapped in a society that doesn’t accept your introverted, emotional, and spiritual nature.

“The fact is that if I find myself in a situation when I have to defend myself, I feel a bit guilty when I do so… a bad program in my head, bad ego…”- feeling trapped by your internalized guilt and negative self-talk (“bad program in my head”) when you try to defend yourself.

“I am learning to defend myself with peace and compassion. If I can do this, I will be happier and people around me, too”- actively working on learning to defend yourself in a way that aligns with your values of peace and compassion.

“I am not afraid of people who do not like me anymore. It is okay! It is their right”- you developed a healthier attitude towards rejection, recognizing that it is normal and not a threat to your well-being.

This post reflects your journey from feeling trapped by societal expectations, blame, and internalized guilt to developing self-awareness, acceptance, and healthier coping mechanisms. Your reactions show a commitment to personal growth and embracing her true self with peace and compassion.

And now, to the title of your thread: “Will I ever be free of this fear of people?”- I’d say that you are already in the process of freeing yourself of your fear of people. The more power you take for yourself, according to your values (aggression is not a way to take power that fits your values), the freer you will be.

Here’s a short poem for you, Jana:

In the quiet whispers of your soul,
A strength within begins to grow.
You’ve faced the storms, the harshest cold,
Yet still you stand, brave and bold.

Embrace the power that’s yours to claim,
A beacon bright, an eternal flame.
With every step, let courage guide,
In life’s vast sea, let your spirit glide.

For in your heart, a warrior’s might,
To face the dark and seek the light.
With peace and love, your shield and sword,
You write your story, word by word.

When voices doubt and shadows fall,
Stand tall and heed your inner call.
For you possess the grace to soar,
Through every challenge, forever more.

So cherish all that makes you, you,
The introverted, tender, true.
With every breath, let power rise,
And paint the world with hopeful skies.

anita