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anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
“Is there anything on your mind that you would like to talk about?“- thank you for the offer. My thinking while lying awake at night is not about my personal life happenings and concerns, but about people I read about in books (when I used to read books), or people in the news who are in terrible situations. Recently, I day dream (during the night, lol) about these people being rescued, about good people helping them, I visualize everything in detail.
On March 11, 2022, you wrote: ” As a child I felt alone and unloved because of the abuse. For a long time, I struggled with feelings of not being good enough or being unlovable…. I worry that my loved ones will one day decide they made a mistake by caring for me and abandon me. Arguments definitely trigger these feelings“, March 12: “My mother often told me she loved me, but her behaviour told me otherwise… I have a tendency to catastophise and expect the worst“.
May 25, 2022: “I had an argument with my husband… My pattern is to feel defensive, explain that I’m hurt… I seek reassurance from my husband that he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. I have a recurring thought. I’m afraid of being abused… I am hyper-vigilant, looking for signs of abuse“.
July 20, 2024: “it is a very old story that I tell myself. I am unlovable. I am broken. I don’t deserve love and am not worthy of it“.
Oct 20, 2024; “You are right though about trust in his love“- it is very difficult to continuously trust a person’s love while the narrative of the very old story is repeatedly playing in the background, or in one’s emotional core (particularly at times of tiredness, hunger or pain).
Yesterday, you also wrote: “I felt like I was good enough for the first time because he told me I was“- his words were not powerful enough to silence the narrative of the very old story for good. No romantic partner (at his best) has this power.
From the little I understand, your husband has been stoic/ somewhat emotionally detached before your pregnancy, but because of the great distresses during and after pregnancy, he became less stoic/ less detached, more emotional and therefore, more reactive to your moods. Having two emotionally reactive partners in a relationship is more of a challenge than a situation when only one of the partners is over-reactive. You expressed something to this effect on Oct 1 (2024): “I’m glad that since the pregnancy and the baby he has been more open with his feelings. He was very stoic for a large part of our relationship“.
Back to your yesterday’s post: “It is going to take time for things to work out, one way or the other. I think that love is a choice especially when things are hard. It has to be chosen over and over again“- I hope things work out in ways that indicate that love was chosen. When one or two of the partners are emotional/ overreactive, self-discipline has to be practiced. This is what I do when I practice the NPARR strategy: Notice (that I just over-reacted emotionally), Pause (before I over-react behaviorally), Address (the situation: is there a situational solution required here? Can I provide the solution, or part of it, or is what I was thinking or saying or doing, part of the problem, adding to the problem, and not to the solution?…), Respond-or not (say, do, or not), Redirect (my attention elsewhere).
“Don’t worry… We do visit friends and my sister. So I do talk to some adults“- thank you, glad to read this!
“We just got some bad news. One of our friends is in hospital“- I wish him full recovery!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Manjot:
If I understand correctly, the two of you dated for a year, and at the end of the year (4 months ago), she told you that because her parents disapproved of the relationship, she had to break up with you, but you suspect that she was not honest with you (that she lied to you), and that the real reason she broke up with you was that “she didn’t care… I meant nothing to her“. Recently, you found out that she is dating someone new.
“I feel betrayed. I feel used. Maybe she never loved me. Maybe she didn’t think I was the one.. I feel really miserable right now. Time hasn’t been kind to me. I really need help. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to bear this pain. We see each other everyday in class and seeing her with her new boyfriend I feel devastated. Please help me.“-
– I understand that you feel very, very hurt. Clearly, you grew very much emotionally attached to her. It would be very painful for anyone in your place (being very emotionally attached to a person, then broken up with, and lastly seeing the person you are still attached to.. with someone else).
In your pain, you see things in extremes. It’s probably not that she never loved you, but that she loved you but doesn’t anymore. She may love the new guy now, but that doesn’t mean that she will love forever.
The two of you are very young (college?) and breakups and heartaches are common, especially in your ae group. There are many people experiencing your pain. You are not alone. This pain will pass, hopefully sooner than later.
It is difficult for you to move on because (1) you attend the same school and you see her (and her new love-interest) every day in class, and (2) unlike her, you are not dating someone new. Dating someone new often weakens the emotional attachment to a previous romantic partner. Did you have any desire, in the last 4 months, to date someone new, or were you curios about such a possibility?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Helcat: I like your acrostic of my name, thank you! I will reply further tomorrow.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
Thank you ❤️ for your empathy and kindness. I slept last night for 6+ hours straight (good thing) and lay awake.. thinking, for 3 hours (5-8 am), not good.
“The baby dysregulated my nervous system, particularly to do with the hormones (cortisol levels get progressively higher throughout pregnancy) and partially due to stressful circumstances. I haven’t recovered from that yet. I’m not able to cope with stress at the moment. Because of the baby, I’m not really able to do much self-care either. Just busy looking after him really“- how can you recover from a long time of elevated stress when all you do is take care of a baby. As adorable as your baby is, you need to spend time with another adult, or other adults who show you consistent, dependable kindness and affection, so that in their company, you can rest and recharge.
“My husband was the person who taught me to love myself… When he loved me, he saw me as worthy. I felt like I was good enough for the first time because he told me I was. Having these relationship difficulties, feeling the loss of love. It makes me feel unworthy and unlovable… I have been worrying a lot about losing my husband“- you used the word loss/ losing twice in this quote: the loss of love and losing my husband. Even though losing your husband is only a worry at this time, there has been a real loss already, as I see it, and that’s the loss of your trust in his love. It’s not solid enough for you to rest in it, and recharge.
We are people who need people (like the song says). We can’t feel worthy and lovable when all alone for too long. We need someone/ some other adult people to reflect (as human mirrors) our worthiness and lovability back to us. Such reflections lower stress.
“What will happen if things don’t work out. That has been painful too… if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore that is his choice and I wish him the best.“- you are preparing for the loss of him, but loss has already happened. It may help to think of the loss not as something yet to happen, and therefore, something to be feared, but as something that already happened, and therefore, it’s something to be grieved. Fearing something yet to happen elevates stress; grieving something that already happened lowers stress.
There are support groups perhaps that you can attend in-person twice a week, let’s say, where you can experience positive reflections of who you are: Helpful, Empathetic, Loving, Considerate, Astute, Tenderhearted.
anita
anitaParticipantYou are very welcome, Zenith!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Dave:
I want to read and reply to you more thoroughly this morning:
You (38) and her (30) are both new divorcees, and she has two small children and a job, always very busy. You saw each other every Tuesday for 4 months (that’s 16 times), plus one vacation and a couple of other random nights. Total 18 in-person meetings and a vacation (of a couple of days, I am assuming, being that she is very busy).
“It was very hot and very fast… It felt like we had both known each other forever… Constant contact all day every day the entire 4 months: multiple forms of media, all initiated by her. Then last week, the dreaded break up text out of the blue. No call, no talk“- reads like she lost interest in you/ in a relationship with you.
I am sorry, I know that it hurts when this happens.
Re-reading the message she sent you, “‘I can’t commit to someone else at this time, it’s not fair that I can’t see you more than once(ish) per week, we’re in different stages of life“- reads like she referred to a dissatisfaction that you expressed to her about not being able to see he more often than once per week. And seems like she was referring (?) to an interest in commitment that you expressed to her. It may be that facing your expressed interest in seeing her more often and in being committed to each other.. she withdrew, not interested.
“Then last week, the dreaded break up text out of the blue… It had seemed like in the week before the texting had lessened a bit“- the breakup was out of the blue for you, but in the making for a week, on her end. Looking at the title of the thread you chose to post in, “I just randomly and suddenly fell out of love“, reads like it seemed random and sudden to you, but it took at least a week, a week of contemplation perhaps, on her part.
Back to her breakup message: “it’s nothing you did and there’s no one else, I think you’re a great person“- maybe she referred here to self-doubt that you expressed to her, as in concerns that you said or did something wrong.. (?) Maybe she meant it (and I tend to believe that she did mean it), that she values you as a person. Nonetheless, these words, this reassurance is often used to deliver breakups so to promote peace, to prevent anger on the part of the person one is breaking up with.
“I can meet with her whenever she wants…the idea of sending 50 messages to her every day (like the previous 120 days) felt innate at this point“- you were willing and able to see her whenever she wanted, and you sent her 50 messages every day for 120 days.
“I can’t imagine this doesn’t feel eerily weird to her as well. When she has her kids she’s probably very busy, but when she doesn’t she has to notice the gap in her life. She also has a much larger family/friend support group than I do, which may allow her to keep her mind busier than mine“- you don’t have children and not many interactions with family and friends. She has many more interactions with family and friends (when she is not too busy), and she has two children who emotionally and physically depend on her. The gap that the breakup leaves in your life is therefore larger than the gap left in her life. Her absence from your life leaves a big gap, and therefore it feels eerily weird.
Reads like emotionally and socially, you needed her more than she needed you. Perhaps, having two children who emotionally depend on her, she didn’t want another dependent, so to speak: a man emotionally depending on her..?
“I believe it’s not the length of the relationship that matters, but the depth. I feel almost ridiculous saying a 4-month relationship was so deep, but this one hit differently in my heart for whatever reason. I think that is all for now. Happy to share more info as needed“- is the depth you are referring to, is it the depth of your need for her?
When you say “this one hit differently in my heart“, do you mean differently than previous relationships/ marriage affected you, and if so, how?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
You are welcome and thank you for the first angel face emoji I have ever received!
“Pregnancy hormones have lots of natural painkillers and muscle relaxants“- I didn’t know this (the wisdom of nature).
“… As the baby grew, that’s when things got worse. I had pelvic pain even before the baby, so the last trimester was agony. I could barely walk and the last month I couldn’t“- there is a long and thorough blog post, living with fibromyalgia. org/fibromyalgia-and-chronic-pelvic-pain (Nov 2023): “Two common types of chronic pain that often coexist are fibromyalgia and chronic pelvic pain… Fibromyalgia affects an estimated 2-8% of the population, primarily women… On the other hand, chronic pelvic pain is a common problem among women, affecting approximately 15% of the female population…
“Emotional stress, anxiety, depression, or a history of trauma may contribute to the development or exacerbation of chronic pelvic pain…
“Fibromyalgia is characterized by central sensitization, which refers to an amplification of pain signals in the central nervous system. This heightened pain perception can lead to widespread pain throughout the body, including the muscles, joints, and soft tissues. Additionally, individuals with fibromyalgia often experience disturbances in sleep, mood, and cognitive function, which can further exacerbate the perception of pain… Central sensitization, which is a hallmark of fibromyalgia, can also occur in the pelvic region, leading to an increased sensitivity to pain in that area”-
– this helps me understand better how important it is for you to have a stress-less, calm home life. It is important that your husband understands this too.
“My thoughts are that none of us choose how we feel. It sounds like my husband has been struggling with his own issues too. For a while, I blamed him for blaming me. That isn’t very helpful either“- blaming people is harmful in any relationship, let alone a marriage. Let alone when one of the partners suffers from fibromyalgia.
There is an excellent blog: fibromyalgia resources.com/wife-has-fibromyalgia: (Aug 2017): “Your Wife Has Fibromyalgia? Here are 25 Ways to Support Her…1. When they are having a breakdown, hold them, let them cry and know you are there for them. 2. Learn as much as you can about it. Be patient… 5. Believe them first, be supportive second, be kind at all times third and pull your weight in the relationship in a practical way. They didn’t plan this any more than you did and you’re both in this thing together… 6. Show Love and Don’t ask too many question in a flare up times….
Also, if I understand correctly, Living with Fibromyalgia & Chronic illness is a support group for partners, something that your husband may benefit from.
Back to your recent post: “There is something else that is important to know about him. He has a very good memory. Something that he struggles with is that he doesn’t forget arguments“- another reason to not blame, not to argue.
“The world can be hostile at times and challenging“- I think that hostility between individuals, between groups of people, between nations, all has its origin in the.. first crime scene, so to speak: the home where a parent is hostile to a child.
“The idea of adopting has always been nice to me too. It sounds like you had a good understanding of what being pregnant would be like and made decisions that were right for you“- thank you! ❤️
“I am wondering how you are doing? Are you sleeping any better?“- unfortunately, had another sleepless night. But had an enjoyable time socializing last evening. I wish I could sleep though.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Helcat: I will read and reply further Sat morning. It’s Fri night here. I will probably fall asleep in an hour, and wake up in 2-3 hours, as it happens every night. Awake I think and I need to think less and lesss and lessss. Be back to you Sat.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Dave:
“It was very hot and very fast… Then last week, the dreaded break up text out of the blue. No call, no talk. ‘… it’s nothing you did…’… We had talked about futures together… It felt serious… It just blows my mind that things can go from hot-and-heavy… to nothing at all without any other external factors. I can’t wrap my head around it, but based on this feed I can see this does happen“-
– the moment she texted “It’s nothing you did“, I figured it’s the standard, convenient breakup line, revealing nothing of honesty or substance.
This means that there may be someone else, and it may be that something you did, or didn’t do, turned her off. I don’t know, and neither do you. You know how it feels to be into a computer game, or to watch a movie and feel like you are in it, into it, “very hot and very fast… hot-and-heavy“.. and then game over, The End..?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Calm Moon:
You are very welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation. I am glad to read that the heaviness on your shoulders became lighter!
“1. My manager also talks with excitement as you described. It irritates me, and I don’t understand why“- because it’s hard on the brain, it overwhelms the neural capability of the brain.
“She reduces my productivity and motivation“- her excessive, excitable talk (and other behaviors) overwhelm the brain and makes it less productive, and exhausted. When we’re exhausted we want to rest, to do nothing.
“She tries to micromanage me but leaves me alone when I have a heavy workload“- reads like she is unstable, having a mood disorder, impulsivity.
“She also attempts to transfer many responsibilities to me, which is unfortunately common pattern in my life. Wherever I am, people sense that I’m responsible and overload me with tasks“- assertiveness skills will help.
“2. She brings me gifts, but it makes me uncomfortable. I sense a kind of fake energy. Because I feel this way about her kind gestures, I sometimes think that I’m the problem, not her“- I understand. I too felt uncomfortable with my mother’s kind-appearing gestures. Like I said, either her gestures were fake (aimed to show that she is a good person), or, if and when they were genuine, there was too much of a backlog of her disrespectful/ abusive/ distressing behaviors imprinted in my brain, so I couldn’t appreciate, enjoy and reciprocate her affection. I too thought that I was the problem and I felt guilty. But I wasn’t guilty, and neither are you in your situation.
“3. She frequently complains about others and shares every single detail about them“- she reads more and more like my mother.
“4. I will try to reduce my side projects with her, but it might take some time. Because she’s so clingy, I find it difficult to stop everything at once. I’m afraid that if I end things suddenly, she’ll be angry and give bad recommendations. But life is too short to tolerate all of this, so I will stand up for myself.“- reduce projects, minimize contact, show her respect while exercising assertiveness skills. For example, when you are trying to focus on your work while she is talking to you, tell her politely that you need to focus on your task at hand, and that maybe you can talk later..?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
Good to read the good news regarding your dog’s blood test results. “He doesn’t need anymore tests unless he seems unwell“- if he hates tests and going to the doctor (and dentist) as much as I do, that’s good news for him!
And good to read of Day 3 of no arguments!
“He just wanted me to be calm, so he could enjoy spending time with his family… Having a wife with PTSD is hard. Sometimes he wishes that I was normal. I definitely wish that I was normal. It just hurts that he blamed me“- I am sorry that he blamed you for what you had no control over. Your childhood trauma was not your fault, never has been your fault, and neither is the PTSD that resulted from the (complex) trauma.
The pregnancy and childbirth (major surgery) were extra difficult for you, being that you suffer from PTSD and from fibromyalgia: no wonder you were not calm in the hospital and needed your husband there, with you, at all times during those critical times. To be blamed for what is not at all your choice hurts.
web md. com/ fibromyalgia and pregnancy: “Women with fibromyalgia had more symptoms of pain during pregnancy than women who did not have fibromyalgia. Also, fibromyalgia symptoms seemed to be exacerbated during pregnancy. Pregnant women with fibromyalgia may experience significant pain, fatigue, and psychological stress, especially in the first three months… Pregnant or not, stress — both physical and emotional — is known to trigger fibromyalgia. Considering all that’s involved with pregnancy, labor, and delivery, it’s obvious that pregnancy is a time of high stress… At this time, no fibromyalgia medications are completely safe to use during pregnancy. In fact, doctors recommend that women with fibromyalgia go off of painkillers and antidepressants before they become pregnant”.
The article includes tips on managing fibromyalgia during pregnancy, and from having read your posts in various threads, you did all that is recommended in the article.
“Having a new baby while breastfeeding requires constant care… Initially, he needed to be fed every 2-4 hours… It is providing 24/7 care after a major surgery and significant blood loss for the following 3 months. And with the fibromyalgia, holding him hurts. It was like torture… Thankfully, things are a lot easier now… Mostly, everything is babyproofed. But I have to make sure that he doesn’t chew on any power cables“-
C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S ❤️ for surviving a very, very difficult pregnancy, major surgery, and parenting of an infant while suffering from PTSD and fibromyalgia!
C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S 🙏 for doing your best to manage your painful, challenging symptoms!
C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S ❤️🙏 ❤️ for being a good mother to your son throughout!
“I don’t know how you feel about not having children. You don’t need to share if you don’t want to. I know that these things are complicated and it can be painful for people“- I never wanted to bring children into the world because I perceived it to be a hostile world. I figured that if I was ever in the position, I would adopt a child who was already here, and who didn’t have a home. Also, I thought that if I went through a pregnancy, I would feel claustrophobic in my own body, scared of childbirth and wanting to get it over with way before 9 whole months.
anita
anitaParticipant* I see that not the whole quote can be seen above: “It’s believed to be a message from the universe or your angels, indicating that you are on the right path and encourage you to embrace new beginnings… take inspired action, and embrace your unique qualities”.
anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
Before reading your recent post, I looked up 111 online and tis is what I found: “The appearance of 111 is often considered a powerful spiritual sign. It’s believed to be a message from the universe or your angels, indicating that you are on the right path and encouraging you to embrace new beginnings. Seeing 111 repeatedly can symbolize self-assurance, independence, motivation, and leadership. It urges you to trust your intuition, take inspired action, and embrace your unique qualities. Essentially, it’s a reminder to stay positive and focused on your goals, as you are manifesting new opportunities and experiences in your life” (copilot).
So, it could be a spiritual sign sent to you (through me) indicating that you, Helcat, are on the right path and a new beginning is available to you. And that self-assurance, independence, motivation and leadership, taking inspired action in the relationship will help your husband and inspire him to embrace a new beginning with you.
I will next read and reply to your recent post.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
You are welcome! “I feel angry that things have gotten like this… I didn’t expect looking after a newborn to be so hard. I didn’t expect to have difficulties with my husband either“- I never had a baby, I wouldn’t know, I don’t know how it’s like. You know. I wish it was easier for you and your husband. I wish empathy for yourself and for your husband replaces anger, with time.
” …I’m sorry to hear that the numbing went wrong. That is really awful!”- thank you.
“Thankfully, we have had a good couple of days with no arguing. We have talked a little about some difficult stuff, but not too much, softly and gently with each other“- E x C e L L E n T !!!
“Do you like numerology? Do the numbers have a meaning for you?“- I didn’t look at what 111 means, but the coincidence that my post to you was submitted, unplanned, at the exact hour and minute as my post to you in 2022 is amazing to me, as in being more than a coincidence. As in.. spiritually orchestrated beyond my understanding.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
You are welcome, 🙂 to read your update.
“I realized, my ex has not changed at all. The initial perception of her, not able to be completely honest, emotionally unavailable, actually still existed by the time we broke up… She probably did open up a bit in between, but that was not long lasting. That was not her. She did it because of me… It was not a change that came from herself“- reads like she temporarily adjusted to you; he did not change for you or because of you.
“It was a rainy day and we were outdoor, she approached me with her umbrella coz I was only wearing raincoat (which was not enough under such heavy rain), that got us start talking, I asked her to see if she wanted to hike another time and she quickly said yes… I felt warm and taken care of somehow“- I like how you met: she approached you, she offered protection to you.
“I am unsure if she is gay or not, but it definitely feels good to meet a new friend who gives you positive energy. This time I will remember the qualities that I am looking for, honesty, monogamy, straightforwardness. Let’s see if this goes anywhere“- there is nothing more effective in weakening an old emotional attachment than a new attachment. Glad that you remember what’s most important to you in a relationship: honesty, monogamy, straightforwardness. I hope that she becomes a good friend and maybe more.
“Regarding your last post about my fear of being ‘stuck’. I did ponder on it a bit, I think there is a difference between getting stuck with something I didn’t like / didn’t choose vs I did. For now, I am choosing my own life so I should be happy sticking with it/them. I did feel a bit loosen up afterwards, which lead me to proceed with my adoption“- I suppose I projected myself into you in that reply: I would feel stuck with a pet, if I adopted one, and maybe with a tattoo as well. When do you expect the adoption to be completed?
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 