Dear Blazkowich:

My goodness, what an update! I guess it’s a good thing that you did contact her because the exchange with her overwrote her image in your head, like you said it did. Her clarity is helpful because it leaves no doubt in one’s mind where her interest is not.

“I have decided to just move on and find a better partner in future who actually knows how to treat me“- I am so glad to read that this is your resolve, and indeed it’s your best bet in finding the love that you need.

Almost every person by the time he/ she is a teenager, has been rejected by a romantic love interest. It hurts when this happens, but almost every single person experiences it. You will overcome the pain and you will find love elsewhere.

I am excited about the idea that some day in the future, I will be reading from you about the time when you will experience (like a song I know says) to love and be loved in return. Of course, you are welcome to post anytime before it happens, and I will be glad to read from you and reply.

anita

Dear Ocean:

About your relationship anxiety: “I feel like a big part of my anxiety is stemming from this relationship“. There is a history to your relationship anxiety: “I was in a relationship in the past, many many years ago, and I was anxious having the same worries of ‘is he for me’ etc.”

Your current relationship anxiety started recently, at about the 1-year mark of the relationship: “I’ve been with my partner for a little over a year and lately I have been having so much worry and anxiety regarding our relationship…I felt confident and reassured when I started this relationship, it is only recently where I feel like I’m doubting“.

From what you shared, your relationship anxiety is not about who your boyfriend is, it’s not about you doubting him and his commitment to you (I am adding the boldface feature selectively here and in future quotes): “My partner is a great person to be around… He provides a safe and open safe for me to communicate… He is someone who has ambition, has the same moral values as I do and we both want the same things. That is where the initial attraction started, it felt really nice to finally meet someone who viewed life the same way as me and we both envision what our future would look like… His attitude has always been excited for the next chapter with me, and how he wants it just as badly as I do. We had gone into this with the same mindset that this was a serious relationship. He has never given me any doubt about not wanting a future with me“.

From what you shared, your relationship anxiety is about the two families not getting along, and about his family (his parents and siblings) rejecting you: “Often times I think about how my family and his family will mesh. One of my thoughts is that, will they get along?… I worry so much that our families might not get along. I worry so much that his family may not like me or accept me or my family. I worry if my family might not accept his family or him for that matter… I worry that I won’t be as close with his siblings. I grew up very close to my siblings and I love them dearly. My family is very close as well. I envision for my future to be similar, where I have a great relationship with my in-laws, where I am close with my husband’s siblings and I’m afraid they might not like me or interact with me.. I have not met them yet but I am very nervous… I am just worried his siblings might not like me or want their brother to be with me. They seem very different, their sibling dynamics is very different from mine… I am just worried they might not like me“.

Here is what I am thinking at this point, Ocean: you adjusted very well to your family of origin, to your parents and siblings with whom you grew up. If you think of a family picture as a jigsaw puzzle (JP), your individual piece in the JP has all the right sides, sockets and knobs, keys and locks, so to be as perfect a fit as possible to the other pieces.

As is, there is a good fit between your piece and your family JP, and therefore, there’s closeness with them. You are worried that the same piece that fit so well in your family JP, will not fit his family JP,  and therefore, it will be rejected.

“Our families have a lot in common – we have a similar upbringing, same culture and religion, our family dynamic is mostly similar, but one thing that is different is my family is very traditional and very cultural whereas his family is very modern, laid back, go with the flow type“-

– My feel is that adjusting to your culturally stricter and traditional family of origin required that your piece has defined and-not-to-be-compromised sides, sockets and knobs, etc., a tight fitting. Your boyfriend’s adjustment to his modern, culturally laid back, go-with-the-flow type family required a looser fitting.  So on his part, he is more likely to fit a different kind of family than his own. But because of your tight fitting to your family, it is, or would be difficult to fit a different type family from yours.

Because of the tight fittings required in your family JP, and the loose fittings in his, you worry that there will be a poor fit/ meshing between the two JPs: “it’s really the families meshing that I worry about a lot“.

“Often times my bluntness can come off as very harsh which in turn can hurt him…  I tend to get frustrated and upset and in turn, when I am expressing that, it comes out harshly…I’m someone that usually doesn’t go to others for advice unless I really need it“- maybe your adjustment to your family of origin, the fitting into the JP into which you were born, required that you would be independent and self sufficient, and not go to them for advice or help unless you really needed it. And maybe, that there is anger in you about this fitting requirement, a resentment perhaps for having to be too independent, an anger that expresses itself in the bluntness and harshness you mentioned here?

I would like to read your thoughts about what I brought up here, in this post.

anita

Dear Peace:

I just got home and read your replies. It is Thurs 5:04 pm here, Fri  2:04 am where you are at. I’ll write more to you Fri morning, my time.

anita

Dear Ocean:

You are welcome!

“it’s really the families meshing that I worry about a lot“- if you would like to, can you elaborate on this worry: what particular thoughts about the family meshing run through your mind?

(I will soon be away from the computer and back to your thread in the morning).

anita

Dear Ocean:

You are welcome. I will need more time to thoroughly read your 2nd post, therefore, I’ll be back to you Fri morning (it is Thurs 12:41 pm here).

In regard to this part of your recent post: “I tend to get frustrated and upset and in turn, when I am expressing that, it comes out harshly…  his family is… laid back, go with the flow type. Often times I think about how my family and his family will mesh. One of my thoughts is that, will they get along? Will they be close? I come from a family of hustlers – where they work extremely hard and ambition is very much a factor in each and every one of us in my family. Him on the other hand, it seems like his family is very comfortable with where they are at. They do not strive to be better or do better – if anything, change scares them“-

– I sense that you are angry with him and perhaps envious of him (and his family) for having had a laid back life, while you and your parents didn’t have that kind of luxury, a life you wish or wished you had… Any truth to this?

I wonder if you feel that you’d betray your parents if you choose a partner who does not at all follow their philosophy and practice of life: the perhaps restless striving to be and do better (financially,  educationally..?)

If you would like to respond to what I brought up here, please do, and I will thoroughly reply to all that you share in the morning.

anita

Dear Renn:

You are very welcome and thank you for your kind words.

“My new boyfriend (is)  much more of a ‘Lover’ by nature. I get the impression from him that (like me) he would rather put his heart on the line and get hurt than never at all. A wonderful trait I think… my new boyfriend is really in touch with his emotions (which is great)“- yes, a wonderful trait, and him being in touch with his emotions is promising when it comes to the probability of a healthy, loving long-term relationship.

“You can’t rush these things can you, good things come to those who wait or something! I do need to be nice and steady with my new boyfriend for this kind of reason. it’s hard sometimes, but I’ve always followed my head, so when my heart gets involved its important to remember my values of rationality. Being young, I think. it’s easy for us to get carried away!“-you sound more mature than many women twice your age. Keep following your head (rational thinking).

A note: it is rational to listen to the heart, to what it has to say (yet not be ruled by its impulses and immediate needs), because what it has to say has to be part of any rational decision that involves the heart. A rational decision cannot be the right decision unless it takes the heart into serious consideration.

In regard to not telling your boyfriend about the previous, you wrote: “And Okay, good point. ill leave that bit. I suppose there’s no need for me to bring it up really unless there’s something directly relevant“- I am impressed with your rational thinking, particularly being that you are only one year removed from being a teenager!

“I shall carry this motto with me. ‘be patient with your heart and his’… I’m going to be more considerate to my own and his feelings. Hopefully I can soon let my heart let him in fully“- do not demand of yourself to let him into your heart fully. Don’t put any pressure on your loving feelings to be any less or any more than they are at any one time .

Also, loving feelings are not static; they change, disappear, reappear… it’s the nature of feelings aka emotions. You can break down the word emotion to e-motion, or energy in-motion.

“I can be a bit of a control freak with my own emotions, I don’t always let myself feel them, which is maybe why I’m panicking a bit about the start of a ‘love feeling’“- I would like to read more about how you control your emotions, how you manage to not feel them…?

“I’ve always been the kind of ‘therapist’ friend because  I’m pretty black and white in general which I think people need and appreciate sometimes, I’m never jumping to conclusions or being crazy“- not jumping to conclusions or being crazy is.. again, rational and mature.

I wonder what you mean by being black and white as a therapist-friend..?

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

“I’ll soon contact her (maybe for the last time) and give it another go but I’ll make it clear that I would want a healthy relationship where communication is the key. I know she’ll refuse but I’ll ask anyway so in future when I look back I can tell myself that I didn’t give up“- I wish you wouldn’t contact her, but it’s not my choice to make. If you contact her, let me know what happens, will you?

“I want to move on and detach myself from her… I can’t waste my time on a person who…  treats me like I am bothering them“- I am all for this part of your intent and plan!

“At the end of the day I am not some omnipotent being who’s showering someone with unconditional love and support, I have my own feelings too“- very intelligently articulated, a mature and wise attitude.

“The only thing which is making me not move-on are the plans we made, the promises, her smile and her voice“- emotional attachment to her, that is. Once you are finally determined to move on, this attachment will weaken.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“N is not the first person to make me feel more loved when I was weaker”- think of a dog going belly up when confronted by an aggressive dog, or a dog who may turn aggressive. Exposing weakness (the soft belly) satisfies aggressors, or potential aggressors.

“I wondered how much inner child-work is possible while you have an actual child near you“- it can help, a lot.

“I wonder if their essence/spirit/soul is literally created in the mother, or if it existed before, in a divine place. I have seen different theories on this idea, I want to believe they came from somewhere divine and only lack the intelligence to share what they know, then in growing up they forget. What do you think?”-

– I agree. I believe that our essence exists in a timeless reality, but our human brains cannot grasp this reality, we can only feel it. I see life as the ocean, and each individual life (a plant, an animal, a human) as a single wave rising from the ocean (being born) and then falling back into the ocean (dies).

“I am pretty sure I want to be seen more than most, I wonder if this is a personality trait due to being unseen in my past, or if I would be this way either way“- I think that you have a strong thirst to being seen because of the drought you experienced growing up, in the context of being seen. This is true to me.

“I say way more that is on my mind than others do, I talk through my thought process with close friends/family“- and you do it here, which makes it possible for me to do the same as I reply to your thoughts.

“I think N found it odd, cause he rarely acknowledged or really reacted to what I was saying… Something I wanted to hear so badly from N“- I think of N as.. people of the drought, or just the drought. People in whose company, we are thirsty.

“But my roommate and friend P, both either laugh or join the conversation. My roommate recently told me that she has never met someone so open about their thoughts and that it encourages her to recognize her own thoughts“- you quench her cognitive/ emotional thirst, she quenches yours.

“He would be supportive if I was emotional… when I had my stuff together, he seemed less affectionate and harsher, so to reward when I was in the emotional state he was attracted to, but also didn’t respect“-he was supportive of (and attracted to) you making it possible for him to feel strong (in comparison to you); unsupportive of ( and unattractive to) you taking this feeling away from him.

“So then he would never be attracted to me and respect me simultaneously?!”- I think that spiders cannot think of simultaneous scenarios when it comes to emotions.

“Do you find not having TV in your life brings you a lot of benefits? if so I am curious what, because it is something that I allow to take up a lot of my time and have been recently cutting down..”-

– I purposefully do not watch TV fiction shows nor do I read fiction stories and books because all it does to me is to create fog in my view of REAL LIFE, and my pleasure is in seeing reality as it is, not as what is fed to me by fiction writers and performers.

“I thought more about what I said, ‘So then he would never be attracted to me and respect me simultaneously?!’ Outside of emotional times, he respected me when I was willing to do the hard things with him… He was attracted and respected me in battle-like moments… His attraction and respect for me is probably an inefficient thing for me to pin point because as you have mentioned humans are complex“-  – and in some ways, humans are as simple and as instinctual as spiders.

People are attracted to people who make them feel valuable or strong. If a person does not feel valuable, then feeling strong in comparison to a weak person is .. good-enough.

“I can’t wait for the day I am not reminded of him.. the smallest things trigger memories and he is in my dreams almost every night”- this thread reminds you of him. IF you want to start a new thread where he is not a part of, you can.

anita