Hey 👋 Confused:

The words of a 🎵 come to mind: “Mama told me there’ll be days like this” (Confused: “today feels like hell…Damn, today’s been hard”).

I suppose it was a good mother having said that to her son (referring to the 🎵).

What I figure is that 🤔 Well, it was a bad-feeling day. There’re days like that. Mine wasn’t the best 😕 either.

Thing is, whatever you feel.. feel it, let it be. Don’t fight your feelings, don’t argue against your feelings or your thoughts. Tell your thoughts: ‘you say I don’t want her and I need to end things.. hmm, I hear you”- and that’s it. Witness your thoughts objectively, don’t drown in them.

🤔🎵💡🐇🌙 Anita

Good 🌄 Confused:

Wow, not-so-confused, Confused: this is the most clear and insightful post I read from you!

Indeed, there is a big difference between knowing something intellectually, and experiencing it.

“How did u reconnect or find that part?”-

Like you, my few memories of childhood felt removed, as if what happened- didn’t happen to me. As if I wasn’t there. It was like a fragmented movie (isolated short scenes) that I was watching from a far: something I didn’t really experience.

It is only recently that it ocurred to me- in that experiencing vs knowing way you mentioned- that I was there. Before I felt no empathy for the girl that I was (because she.. wasn’t there). Recently, I felt empathy for her because I.. experienced her there, in the midst of the events happening around her.

It happened as a result of communicating with people on a deep level, like I’m doing with you right now.

Intellectually, I know it’s the undoing of the dissociation, shutdown, self-fragmentstion. But these would be clinical, diagnostic terms.

Above, I explained it in my own words.

💡 Anita

Well, Confused, I’m past the idea of romance= paradise= the Answer.

This woman you’ve been sharing about, she sounds special, loving, mature. Yet, she can’t be your paradise, no person can live up to that.

I hope I’m making sense at this time of late red-wine evening.

The feeling-alive, for me, happened when I reconnected to the part of myself that “died” long ago, but not completely. I gave her a voice, I let her speak, and this part of me is alive now. Right now, she’s alive.

Anita

Hey Confused:

“For example: I stopped going to the gym because I don’t feel the ‘pull’ to do that, I don’t ride the motorcycle because of the same reason. I think getting out of bed is hard because of it too.”-

I think you wrote the above before you read my most recent post (double posting)-

It takes an adjustment, a balance in that Dead or Alive experience: appreciating the little moments of alive.

Anita

Hey Confused:

Your first paragraph- it’s like I wrote it! It makes sense that we have or had this in common. We both grew up in violent homes.

Jealousy is another thing we have or had in common. I was obsessively jealous.

“I stopped getting this intense stomach cramp- like feeling. Could this mean I’ve reached a level of security and comfort in this relationship…?”-

Could be,yes. There’s something special here. Over time, the image of her as an honest, open, caring, mature and trustworthy woman comes to (my) mind.

“November- the birth of Confused”- ha-ha, Confused being funny 😁

“I’ve never learned calm love”- B.I.N.G.O.

This is It! This is the biggest insight coming from you (exciting for me to read)!

“I would always seek intensity… “-

Growing up, it was either feeling very low and numb OR intense, and the latter was way preferable? It was one way or the other?

😳 – 😅- 😳- Anita

Hey 👋 Confused:

Yes. I do think those things (growing up in a violent home, living there till 22, managing yourself so to not disturb your parents and never expressing anger or sadness to them, or to anyone else) affect you today.

And I think it’d affect anyone with the circumstances you grew up with. No one can come out of it unaffected.

“I am focused on what I SHOULD be feeling”-

I have a question for you, Confused: did this focus help you at any time in the past, and if it did, in what way or ways has it been helpful?

🤔 Anita

You are welcome home. Sonia.

Leaving this role is not easy. When you feel like a bad person for doing what’s good for you.. that’ difficult.

Recently I came across the term “moral guilt” vs “trauma guilt”. The first is when you feel guilty because you really did say or do something that harmed another.

The second happens when you feel guilty not because you did anything wrong, but because of early emotional trauma of some sort.

Setting healthy- helpful boundaries may inconvenience another person. They may not like it, but that doesn’t mean you harmed them.

You can’t make everyone like everything you say and do. No one can get only ‘likes’ and zero ‘dislikes’.

👍 👎 Anita

Good 🌄 Confused:

“The truth is, with her, I felt the most seen/ loved and cared for, even typing this makes my eyes watery”- that’s emotion expressing itself.

Continued quote: “But right now, I can’t feel the ‘appreciation’ for all those positives and I feel ungrateful”-

You ignored or put aside the feeling you did have (that which caused your eyes to become watery) because your focus was on what you SHOULD feel but don’t.

So, it’s like policing 🚔 your feelings.

I wonder what it’d be like for you to pay attention to what you do feel, to those 💧 👀

In an earlier post yesterday, you wrote: “Yes, I have been feeling responsible for ‘keeping the peace’, not upset my parents or bother them”-

In that environment, a boy learns to hide those watery eyes so to not upset or bother his parents?

And the boy learns to focus on what he ‘should’ feel so to keep the peace in the home?

💧 👀 👦 Anita