Dear Clara:

You are welcome, 🙂 to read your update.

“I realized, my ex has not changed at all. The initial perception of her, not able to be completely honest, emotionally unavailable, actually still existed by the time we broke up… She probably did open up a bit in between, but that was not long lasting. That was not her. She did it because of me… It was not a change that came from herself“- reads like she temporarily adjusted to you; he did not change for you or because of you.

“It was a rainy day and we were outdoor, she approached me with her umbrella coz I was only wearing raincoat (which was not enough under such heavy rain), that got us start talking, I asked her to see if she wanted to hike another time and she quickly said yes… I felt warm and taken care of somehow“- I like how you met: she approached you, she offered protection to you.

“I am unsure if she is gay or not, but it definitely feels good to meet a new friend who gives you positive energy. This time I will remember the qualities that I am looking for, honesty, monogamy, straightforwardness. Let’s see if this goes anywhere“- there is nothing more effective in weakening an old emotional attachment than a new attachment. Glad that you remember what’s most important to you in a relationship: honesty, monogamy, straightforwardness. I hope that she becomes a good friend and maybe more.

“Regarding  your last post about my fear of being ‘stuck’. I did ponder on it a bit, I think there is a difference between getting stuck with something I didn’t like / didn’t choose vs I did. For now, I am choosing my own life so I should be happy sticking with it/them. I did feel a bit loosen up afterwards, which lead me to proceed with my adoption“- I suppose I projected myself into you in that reply: I would feel stuck with a pet, if I adopted one, and maybe with a tattoo as well. When do you expect the adoption to be completed?

anita

Dear Clara: I tried a few times to submit a How-are-you, Clara? Post on your newer thread, but it wouldn’t submit, so I am trying on your old thread: how are you, Clara?

anita

Dear Calm Moon:

I am sorry that you lost your little brother two years ago, the boy that you raised. It must be very painful for you..

You wrote about your manager: “too intrusive… She constantly wants to chat and complains a lot. It sucks energy out of me… her energy too controlling and non-negotiable. What’s strange is she seems to be open to ideas and listening, but in the end, she only pushes her ideas… She constantly messaged me throughout the days when I was on sick leave, asking me when I would come back… she constantly wrote to me and asked me to come in a very rude way. In the end, it was so crucial for me to come… I don’t know why I feel depressed and suffocated around her. She seems to be friendly. But many of her actions and words don’t align with me. When she’s absent, I can breathe again“-

– I can understand why her presence depresses and suffocates you, and why you can breathe again when you are not in her presence. I felt similarly regarding my mother when in her presence: she talked to me whenever she wanted to talk, no matter what I was doing. I was trying to do my homework, study for a test, read, focus on something else.. but she’d talk to me regardless, and often in an excited tone that agitated me.

She too was controlling and non-negotiable. She pushed her ideas on me; my ideas were of no value to her. She was very rude to me many times (beyond talking a lot no matter what I was doing). She was nice many times (to me and to others), but much of it was fake, a pretense. When her niceness was genuine, I was not able to appreciate because of the backlog of the too much rudeness and alarmingly consistent absence of consideration of what I may need, want, think and feel.

When she was at home, I was able to relax.

Intrusive is the right word. I once painted (following an art class), my mother’s hands intruding into my brain and messing with it. I was physically and mentally exhausted in my first two decades+ of life.

anita

Dear Helcat:

You are welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation so beautifully ❤️.

“Yes, I also think that couples counselling is about my husband learning to emphasize with my perspective. This is something that he struggles with“-  I see..

“Yesterday, he finally acknowledged that he has been struggling with his own untreated PTSD which has been triggered because of the prolonged stress and arguments. It was nice to hear him finally say that it wasn’t my fault“- getting to understand better.

“I have honestly been trying my best“- yes, you have, very well done, Helcat!

“I don’t think that the dental work is something to look forward to…“- thank you. Interestingly, on March 14, 2022 (two years and 7 months ago!), I shared with you on your first thread, about a visit I had at the same dental clinic where I experienced panic recently. It was a routine teeth cleaning appt back then, with a very thorough, competent dental hygienist (she is not one of the two hygienists I saw most recently, the two who displayed a level of incompetency in the task of numbing my gums before crown work).

This is what I wrote to you back then: “ – just the other day, I had a dental appointment, and as the dental hygienist used a sharp, metal dental scraper uncomfortably too close to my gums, I relaxed so nicely because I focused on her soft face (that which I could see above her mask), her soft voice as she hummed to a song, taking in her ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ as she instructed me kindly to move my head to the right or left, etc. And I thought to myself: oh, how I wish this was my mother!”

(the following boldfaced words are words from the quote above): So, I am thinking, with your husband, as you talk with him about uncomfortably difficult topics (akin to placing sharp, metal dental scrapers in each other’s mouth..?), perhaps aim at saying more please and thank you with a soft voice and a soft face, talking to each other kindly, having a relaxing song in the background.

Perhaps be.. more mother-like to him during such conversations. Maybe it will relax the boy within him, the boy who suffers from untreated PTSD, and make him feel safe enough to feel and express empathy for you.. I hope.

anita

I still remember you, Emily=> Jasmine, thinking of you fondly.

anita

Dear Helcat:

I just realized that I didn’t respond to your post from yesterday, so here is my response:

You are welcome! “Recently, we are arguing about arguing. We are both stubborn, so that is a factor too. Poor communication, often turns things into an argument“- I suppose this is what couple therapy is about: improving communication/ avoiding arguments.

“I think that we try not to bother each other and try to live with difficulties until it hurts. Trying to tough it out and see if things improve. When things go on for a long time and there is no improvement, that is when it becomes an argument“- perhaps have a daily meeting, a difficulties- resolution/ better-communication meeting per day designed to bother each other constructively.

“I agree, arguing has become very harmful“- do no harm= do not argue.

“I have always liked animals better than people. It’s true. Our son is easy because he is in that group of non-verbal, no stress“- your husband and you can have a non-verbal communication meeting every day as well, perhaps..? Two meetings per day: one verbal, and one non-verbal.

“I’m glad to hear that you found a different dentist! I hope that your experience is better next time around.“- thank you. Not looking forward to it, yet, relieved that I will not see the same faces (the hygienists) that the panic attached itself to.

“It is hard for me to start from the beginning at the moment. My PTSD is quite bad right now. My mind is a bit out of control. Sometimes . I have difficulty managing my thoughts, feelings and reactions“- I wish that you could take time out for a week or two, away from the current place and triggers.

“A positive step is that my husband has started letting me take breaks when I need them“- good thing, taking breaks is a must for you, an unnegotiable need/ coping mechanism.

“When I am in control of myself. I use the communication techniques recommended by our couples counsellor and things go better. My husband doesn’t try and use them without my guidance yet. This is something that I think needs to change.“- I hope it changes soon. I hope he makes the effort.

anita

Dear Zenith:

I understand that it makes you so anxious and that you hate all the drama, but anxious and hate are feelings/ states of mind. What in objective terms are the dangers in the situation to you (loss of money/ resources, injury, death..)?

anita

Dear Zenith:

“I want to cut this off. I  want to stop asking them when we go out. I want go out and make new friends“- this is a good plan. As I suggested before, you can have your husband take your daughter to her house sometimes, you don’t have to go there yourself.

“But I am unable to move on as I am scared she would blame me if i move on. She already blamed me for not texting. I am scared she would blame if I stop asking her or texting her…I am here scared like a little kid worried about her feelings.“- and what if she blames you.. what damage can her blaming/ her feelings cause you in real-life, objective terms (beyond how you feel about it)?

anita