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anitaParticipantCorrective Exercise (having you in mind, Tee):
(I am having Israeli music playing in the background, the music I heard as a child, so long ago).
Elementary school, grade .. 1, 2.. 4, 5.. don’t remember.
I was the smallest child in the class, maybe one of the two smallest.
My mother had an eating disorder before I was born and way, way after.
She used to make herself throw up by placing her fingers deep inside her throat, I remember.
So, when pregnant, she did enough of that to not even appear pregnant nine months in.. so, I was born underweight, Bridge (not having the.. energy (?) to turn over and be born normally).
And so, I was the smallest of my peers.
In adolescence, I was so envious of female peers who looked like women.
But I digress. Back to maybe 4th grade, standing with ALL the pupils on that day, ALL of them, and the teachers and staff- everyone was there, watching my mother losing her cool (something I was very familiar with, just nothing so publicly displayed). All was Silent except for her SCREAMING.
(I feel unwell right now, face hot, tears gathering. Hot all over, scared.)
Tears, my mother over there.. I love her so much.
And she’d never know.
(taking a moment, music in the background).
So, there’s she is screaming, two feet from the (music) teacher she was threatening to hit.
HELP MY MOTHER.
Her pain was Everything, her Pain was so overwhelming, so all-consuming that there was.. nothing else that mattered.
(taking a moment, this is intense, scary).
It stopped raining here..
Back to elementary school, “Bet Sefer Yesudi, in Hebrew), there she is, a far distance away, screaming and yelling
(How the hell was that allowed? Why was there NO INTERVENTION?)
So, I am supposed to let a kind-hearted person there to intervene on my behalf, to take me away from her.
Tee.. it’s hard to imagine you there.
Here’s Tee.. a middle aged woman with glasses 🙂
She steps close to me, lowering herself to my small height, and she smiles, and she says:
‘
“Little Girl Anita, I am here with you. I am from the future.. we met at tiny buddha.. something of the far away future.”And Tee says: “This is not a good place for you, LGA. I am here to take you away, away to somewhere safe”.
LGA: But Mother, mother is here, she’s in PAIN!
Tee: Pain that’s not yours anymore. I’m here to save you.
LGA: who will save her?
Tee: Don’t know, hope someone will.. But little girl Anita is a little girl who needs rescuing. I am here for you.
Mother is not your little girl, LGA. She is a grown woman. It is you who is little girl.
LGA: a grown woman so very little girl. See her tears, see her desperation.. that’s not grown..
Tee: Sometimes, when we’re to rescue, we have to rescue children first.
LGA: Even children not good enough, not strong enough to rescue Mother..?
Tee: you are good-enough, you are strong enough to leave here and come home with me.
LGA: Who will take care of My Mother?
Tee: Sweet little girl.. you wanted so much to take care of her, but you can’t, not because you’re not enough.. but because you’re a little girl who needs a mother still. Let me be your mother.
LGA: (nothing)
Tee: Be a little girl who needs care, a little girl.
LGA: I can rest, I can rest.. in you?
Tee: (hug).
LGA: But your back hurts, your health issues.. I may be too much for you!
Tee: Always someone else needing more than you need?
LGA: No..?
Tee: It’s about taking a moment, a long moment, just for you. You matter no less than anyone else, and in your own life, you must take center stage: help yourself before you try to help anyone else.
LGA: (taking Tee’s outstretched hand, holding it, walking downhill, away from the screaming and yelling, hearing those screams farther and farther away, weaker and weaker)
LGA: I hear nothing.
Tee: There’ll be no more screaming, no more yelling, no more threats, no more beatings.. no more shaming. You are safe here, with me. You can breathe now. You are safe.
LGA: She’s still alive.. still there screaming, in my mind, I can hear her.
Tee: Sh… sh… (a gentle hug)
Let her go, let her pass on, move on to some other place. There’s nothing LGA could have ever done to fix/ to change/ to heal her.
LGA: Nothing..???
Tee: Nothing.
LGA: Not my fault?
Tee: Not your fault. Not your fault.
LGA: I am so sad, so very sad.. My whole life I wanted to..
Tee: To do the impossible.
– End of exercise, for now.
anitaParticipantDear Going Through Life:
your message means a lot! And I want to reread it and respond later.. as late as tomorrow morning (it’s Sat just past noon here). Please take good care of my friend, good to be going through life with you 🙂.
your much older friend, Anita
anitaParticipant* I find this part encouraging, a reason to hope: “Many people heal without surgery, even when the herniation looks dramatic on imaging.”- Copilot said this (Oct 26) before it knew about your imaging results.
anitaParticipantDear Tee:
When I read ” just visualize a middle-age woman with glasses”- I felt joyful, finally having some idea about how you look. If I may ask, your hair color, eyes? (for my exercise, and because I’m so curious.. but of course, you don’t have to share). I pretty much look the same in the photo, only approx. a year older.
From my records, Copilot: “…… Why flare-ups happen (even with perfect care)? 1. Disc vulnerability remains- Even after healing, a herniated disc doesn’t fully ‘seal.’ The outer ring (annulus fibrosus) may still be fragile, and small movements or shifts can re-aggravate the area.
“2. Microtrauma or cumulative stress- Sometimes it’s not one big event, but a buildup of tiny stresses: Sitting too long in one position, Sleeping posture, Lifting something light but awkwardly, Emotional stress tightening muscles unconsciously. These don’t feel like “mistakes,” but they can still tip the balance.
“3. Inflammatory cycles- Even without new damage, the body can enter a renewed inflammatory response — especially during weather changes, hormonal shifts, or immune fluctuations. The disc may swell slightly, pressing on nerves again.
“4. Nervous system sensitivity- After a long healing journey, the nervous system may remain hypervigilant. A small sensation can trigger a cascade of pain signals — not because the disc is worse, but because the body remembers past pain and reacts protectively.
“Healing isn’t linear. It’s cyclical, relational, and sometimes mysterious.
“Each spinal disc is like a jelly donut: Nucleus pulposus is the soft, gel-like center & Annulus fibrosus is the tough outer ring. When a disc herniates, part of the gel-like nucleus pushes through a tear or weakness in the outer ring… The body may treat the leaked material as foreign, triggering an inflammatory response that worsens symptoms…
“But here’s the hopeful part: * The body can reabsorb the leaked material over time — especially with rest, physical therapy, and anti-inflammatory care. * Many people heal without surgery, even when the herniation looks dramatic on imaging. * The disc doesn’t become ’empty’ — it may lose some height or hydration, but it still functions.
“In short: yes, the gel leaking out can cause symptoms — but it’s not always catastrophic. The body has ways to adapt, and many people recover fully with conservative care… So, yes, the gel is the culprit — but it’s not permanent damage. It’s a flare-up, not a sentence.”
Is this somewhat helpful, Tee?
The corrective exercise, a bit later.
❤️❤️ Anita
anitaParticipantDear Going Through Life:
“I’m sorry you experienced a lonely childhood, please know you can reach out to me your friend anytime Anita, I’ll be there.”-
Thank you for being my friend. You are my youngest friend, by the way. Sometimes I forget how young you are because it feels like I am talking to a person who is much older.
It’s a delight to read your positive, uplifting update: joining the gym, picking up the guitar, rekindling with lost friends, trying to work on your goals, seeking to fall in love with yourself rather than external validation, improving your emotion regulation, handling conflict better.. and removing acne scars so to feel better about the way you look- these are all positive and valuable things!
“Anything you would like to share dear Anita. I’m listening.”- well, it’s been raining cats and dogs here, no break. I don’t like it because it limits my physical activity. There are other problems, challenges, but I am taking it one day at a time, trying to focus on the positives and on where there’s hope.
Becoming a better person is a huge motivation in my life and it brings me joy.. like right now, having noticed that I am smiling 🙂.
Your (much older) friend, Anita
anitaParticipantDear Peace:
Thank you so much for your appreciation and kindness 🙂
“The guilt I feel for speaking badly about them, without knowing the full story, really triggers me. I want to make things right, but I feel like the only way to do that is by carrying this heavy burden.”-
Is your Guilt saying to you: (1) Let’s look at what you did wrong, if you did wrong, and then make it right?
Or is it saying to you: (2) I want you to suffer, you deserve to suffer, so there..(delivering the pan)..?
* If it’s saying the 1st thing, let’s look at what you did wrong, if you did wrong: you spoke badly about them.. did your words hurt them, caused them pain? Are your words about them shared here, in your thread.. which they have never read?
If your words did reach them and caused them pain, there are ways for you to do all you can to correct, to make amends with them, to apologize etc.
* If it’s saying the 2nd thing: what would be the point of you suffering when you either did no wrong in this case, of if you did, but corrected it, made amends, etc.?
“I’m also curious to understand better — what childhood guilt are you referring to when you mentioned your own experiences?”-
I felt very guilty for making my mother’s life miserable (she told me so).. Unlike your mother who didn’t say much, my mother said a whole lot, shaming and guilt-tripping me. I believed her and suffered terrible guilt for decades.
I suffered a lot and non of my suffering made me a better person. Quite the opposite, it made me a worse person as far as my actions went.
Suffering from guilt needs to be limited and lead to correcting wrongdoing, or wrong saying. Once that’s done, suffering guilt is counter productive to mental health. It’s harmful.
With gratitude back to you, Peace, a pleasure speaking with you!
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantAdding: I was suggesting sharing NOT about treatment options (you already stated that such would make you anxious).
anitaParticipantDear Tee:
This time, I read your whole message before responding.
As to the latter part.. I changed my mind again, I will do the corrective exercise that you approved of (“That was a good idea for a corrective exercise: you staying at a safe distance from your mother, her not being able to harm you. And then a kind adult (a teacher or the principal) taking you under their wing, so to speak, talking to you, understanding you, seeing the damage your mother is doing, and then arranging for you to be taken somewhere safe, to a new, safe home. Sounds like a good exercise”).
When I read what you wrote (above quoted), it motivated me to do it.
When I read: “May I ask how a thought of talking to your sister (knowing that she might mention your mother) feels to you now? Because in the past it gave you a lot of anxiety… but perhaps something has shifted now?”-
I realized I’m still afraid.. so, yes, I’ll do the exercise.
When I considered it a couple of days ago, I thought of the image of you as the kind teacher or principle taking little girl Anita under her wing 😊(but I don’t know how you look like/ what to visualize).
As to the first part of your message (and the reason I kept reading to the end)- I am so sorry to read that the the scans show that your hernia is back with a vengeance, that it’s more severe than the last time around, that you are experiencing quite a bit of pain, and that.. understandably, you are feeling disappointed, angry, and that this is too much of a bad luck, plus having to wait 2 weeks to see a doctor..😔😔😔
“I know I sound like a victim at the moment, i.e. stuck in the victim mindset.”- I think that you are a victim of a physical malfunction (herniated disc). You didn’t choose it, of course, and you did everything you could to heal from it for a long, long time (physical therapy, adjustments to how you sit, move, etc.). You then experienced relief for a year or two and then, it’s back with a vengeance.
You wrote on Oct 25: “I’m experiencing some health issues again, related to my mobility, and they’ve started out of the blue, unprovoked by anything I’ve done”. On Oct 26, I had a long conversation with AI on herniated discs and reasons for unprovoked flareups, and I copied it for my records.
Today, you wrote: “I’m at a loss to understand how it could have happened, since I had no symptoms previously, it all happened out of the blue.”-
If you would like, and only if (!) you’d tell me it’s okay, I will share my little research on the matter..?
❤️ 🫶 ❤️ Anita
anitaParticipant“Something to never happen in this ocean called life.”- meaning, in this ocean of life. there will never be a wave called “mother” who will love this other wave, called “Anita” (I am referring to the non-duality discussion in another thread).
In this ocean of life, there are many, many waves, not just one (mother-monster wave)
The grieving is about her not loving me.
But it doesn’t mean I was not/ am not lovable.
It means that, this one wave didn’t meet me with love.
But.. And there are many waves in the sea, old waves (like me), young waves (younger people)-
And we can meet each other with love.
anitaParticipantIn regard to a corrective exercise.. Strange, I don’t feel like it.
I feel that I am over my mother.
Feels like she’s neither a Mother, nor a Monster.. not anymore.
Because I’m not there with her anymore.
It is over, the whole nightmare:
The endless shaming, guilt-tripping, beating.. histrionic, borderline, paranoid episodes..
These are all over, a thing safely in the past.
I am already safe from her.
And soon to die, and so far, far away.. She’s no danger to me.
The Dream that she will truly love me, that’s past due, a thing of the past.
That Dream.. ahh.. What a dream!
Something to never happen in this ocean called life.
A dream, a fantasy.
I love myself for having this dream, a good little-girl Anita dreaming, how sweet, how precious.
May this dream fuel my love for people, for all people waiting out there to be loved.
Anita
anitaParticipantThinking about you, Tee ❤️
anitaParticipantDear James:
I am the wave AND the ocean, am I not?
I mean, the ocean (the Source, Love) is many little waves, all temporary, but still.. waves (individual people like me and you).
We are the ocean and we are waves, James-wave, Anita-wave, Peter-wave. This is why we sound different: different styles of expressing, different intensities.. different waves..?
🌊 and 🌅 Anita
anitaParticipantDear Peace:
I just completed 2 hours of re-reading our past communication, including Tee’s (under a bit different screen name) valuable communication with you over the years.
You wrote today: “Now that I am here from last 1.5 months and want to stay here till December and I have met my siblings, I am feeling very heavy inside. I regret thinking so negatively about them — believing they only cared about money and not about me. I don’t know how much they care, but the idea that they were only interested in money kept torturing me, and now I feel full of regret for having those thoughts…
“I realize how much pain and hardship they are living with. Now I feel my assumptions were wrong. I shouldn’t have thought like that. I feel extremely heavy inside, as if I became the worst version of myself. I feel like I disappointed myself, because that wasn’t who I am in my heart. I don’t know how I became so harsh. They did come to me for help, but I refused to support them financially because I thought they were using me like an ATM. Now the guilt is eating me.”-
The first time you talked about Guilt may have been Feb 2018 (under a different account, screen name: Princess123): “I am guilty because I know (boyfriend at the time) is very sensitive.. I just think how he is doing.. if he is hurting from this break up? I don’t want to hurt anyone”.
On May 6, 2020, in this account, you titled your first thread: “Guilty or not?” (the very first word in this account was “Guilty”).
You wrote in your first post as “Peace”:
“He (boyfriend at the time) made me feel so guilty I just wanted to cry at that moment.. I felt I’m the cruel person on this earth for doing this to him.. Now, I m just stressing out… Sometimes I just want to break up but then, the guilt start killing me..”
Fast forward five years, five months and 25 days (fast forward a marriage and a child), back to India, the place where you were born, where you grew up- and here’s the Guilt, back big time, eating you (“Now the guilt is eating me.”)
(I just read your most recent post, asking me to take my time).
Well, I am quite tired, peace, so, I’ll get straight to the point:
You are a good person, you care about doing the right thing by people. You are conscientious. You care about people: your family members and non-family. You care about me taking my time.
* You are not a bad person for having any of the thoughts that go through your mind, nor for the feelings that come and go.
There is a saying: “Hurt people hurt people” (I think I got the wording right, not sure).
Your mother, your sisters, cousins.. hurt themselves, proceeded to either neglect you or hurt you with critical comments and judgments.
They were so hurt/ neglected themselves.. they proceeded to neglect or hurt you.
And in al that going-on, all that massive neglect and abuse that you suffered growing up and onward, how could you have possibly turn out to be a perfect specimen of some kind, an unaffected human (thinking and feeling perfect thoughts and perfect feelings, not to mention choosing perfect action all the time). It’s impossible!
First, you are not responsible for the conditions you were born into, the prejudices, the poverty, the neglect and abuse that people suffered before you were even born.
Whatever you chose wrong in your past: forgive yourself, let go of regret and hold yourself accountable only for today, only for what you say and do today (not for yesterday).
This is what I do.
I suffered from more guilt than I can express in words. Much of it was for things and people I was born into (a baby is not responsible.. right, Peace?)
The fact that your sisters, or a few of them suffer, does not mean that they did not cause you unnecessary suffering, or that they will not do so in the future. Like I said: hurt people hurt people (until they hold themselves accountable each and every day).
I am sorry to read about your sister with the severely autistic child who is unsupported and mistreated by her husband, or your sister who wants to get pregnant but can’t, or the other abroad.
But remember, you are not responsible for their misfortunes or for their choices.
Be there for them, listen to them (if you can), be present for them. Don’t try to fix their problems, just be there for them, listening, empathetic. That’s all that you can do.. and it can make a positive difference, however small.
The Serenity Prayer says: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference”.
I hope this helps.. a bit?
🤍🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantDear Peace: I read your post and see how distressed you are. I want to reread parts of our communication in regard to your family and get back to you within the next hour or two.
anitaParticipantDear James:
Thank you for your comment. You are welcome to join any conversation that I’m having.
You submitted the above six minutes after I submitted my new post to Peter, so I am guessing you didn’t read it. I think that it is really happening, me dropping Anita as a separate wave, one separated from the ocean (the Source, the Presence), and seeing others as separate waves as well. I think it’s happening.
“BE the LOVE. MUCH LOVE, Best Regards”-
Much love and best regards back to you 🙂
Anita
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