Hi Mollie:

I think the tired has to do with the change of weather and with lack of adequate socialization since the closing of the taproom (I wrote to you on the very night it closed).

I am wondering what’s behind trying to make perfect decisions vs good-enough or reasonable decisions. How would you define “perfect decision”?

Making perfect decisions (if it was possible) would protect whom and from what?

🤔 Anita

Dear Robi:

Continued (at the computer, looking at what I prepared this morning):

“I see that here, in Romania, in my parents’ house, I do what I’ve always done… I still minimise, hide, change my ways in order not to rock the boat etc. Knowing I’ll be judged for my actions… filtering my actions before doing them. What if they will judge me… Of course.. I go out and see my friends whenever I want to… but the feeling is there. The tension is still there.”-

The adult, rational part has moved on; the younger part is still catching up, expecting judgment, feeling the tension.

“Now day after day, I focus on this goal. I apply here, there, ask here and there. I’ve asked the Café, I’ve applied at the International School of Warsaw to teach Romanian… Of course, I feel resistance.. I’ve put on a little rust so to speak. I don’t exactly feel excited to get moving. But it’s only surface rust.. It’ll dissolve once I get moving. It’s hard to keep myself focused and not fall into negativity. I constantly feel judged and pressured by my parents and that doesn’t work in my favour. It brings my mood down quite a lot.”-

Part of you (the adult) is moving forward, applying for jobs, contacting people, and taking practical steps toward a different life. That shows motivation and hope. At the same time, another part of you (the child) is living in an environment that continually pulls you backward emotionally.

When you say you feel judged and pressured by your parents, you are describing a state of chronic emotional tension. The mind spends energy not only on finding work and making plans, but also on defending itself against anticipated criticism.

As a result, it becomes harder to stay focused, optimistic, and energized.

Your “surface rust” metaphor is a good one. The rust is not laziness or lack of desire. It is discouragement, self-doubt, and the exhaustion that comes from living under constant emotional pressure.

The fact that you are still applying for jobs shows that your deeper motivation is intact. The resistance you feel is the weight of carrying old fears and current stress at the same time.

In simple terms: your future is pulling you forward, but your home environment is pulling you backward.

That doesn’t mean you can’t move forward. It means you have to use extra effort because every step toward independence is being taken while you are surrounded by reminders of old patterns, old judgments, and old emotional wounds.

The encouraging part is that you are already acting despite the tension. Often confidence comes after movement, not before it.

As you sense, the rust does not disappear before the engine starts; the engine starts, and then the rust begins to loosen.

“I see they are bothered by me being calm and present. It looks like they get triggered when I’m not in the same emotional state as they are. Foggy, lazy and depressed. My mom is addicted to online shopping and sits 80% of the day in front of the TV… I’m quite the opposite, as often is the case. I do my best to stay present, eat well, exercise and now I’ve committed to learn Qigong and make it a daily practice.”-

Your parents appear to cope with life through distraction and comfort: television, shopping, and alcohol. You, on the other hand, are trying to cope through awareness, movement, healthy habits, and personal growth. When people in the same household live in such different ways, tension is the result.

Your calmness and efforts to improve yourself highlight the differences between your way of living and theirs, and that can make people defensive or irritated.

What is especially interesting is that you say, “I don’t judge them, but I see why it’s so difficult for me to be around them.”-

That suggests that you are separating acceptance (of who they are) from the issue of compatibility (the lack of compatibility with them). You do not need to condemn your parents in order to recognize that their environment is not healthy for you.

Psychologically, you seem to be discovering that love and understanding do not automatically mean you can thrive in close proximity to them.

Your commitment to exercise, healthy eating, presence, and QiGong is an attempt, as I see it, to maintain your own emotional center while living in an environment that continually pulls you toward moods and habits you don’t want to be yours.

A simple summary might be: you are not struggling because you hate your parents. You are struggling because you are trying to move in one direction while the emotional atmosphere of the household moves in another.

The more conscious you are of that difference, the more difficult it may feel to stay there.

“I guess me and my parents have different ways of dealing with our anxiety. I feel I need to stick to good practices in order to have the clarity to make the right choices for myself. It seems to be working well but at times I feel like I’m collapsing. It’s clear to me that I need to be spending my time around people who lift up my energy and don’t try to bring it down (consciously or not).”-

Anxiety itself is not the main issue. Everyone has anxiety. The difference is how people respond to it. Your parents soothe their anxiety through habits such as television, shopping, and alcohol. You try to manage your anxiety through healthy practices, exercise, mindfulness, and now QiGong.

These practices help you feel clear-headed and connected to yourself, which is why you feel such a strong need to maintain them.

When you say that at times you feel like you’re “collapsing,” you may be describing the exhaustion of constantly holding yourself together in an environment that is emotionally draining.

It’s as if you are swimming against the current all day long.

Your insight about wanting to spend time with people who lift your energy is important. Human beings are influenced by the emotional atmosphere around them. When we are surrounded by people who are supportive, hopeful, and emotionally healthy, it is generally easier to maintain our own balance. When we are surrounded by criticism, pessimism, or chronic dissatisfaction, we often have to work much harder just to stay centered.

In simple terms: you are discovering that your well-being depends not only on what you do, but also on the environment you live in and the people you spend time with.

Some relationships and environments help you stay strong, while others require so much emotional effort that you feel depleted. That does not mean your parents are bad people. It simply means that their way of dealing with life is not compatible with the kind of life you are trying to build for yourself.

“I’m glad to have my girlfriend by my side, even if she’s currently more than one thousand km away. She’s been very supporting and I feel I can build something good with her. Since she’s started going to therapy, she started working on both our relationship and her relationship with her mother. I see good things happening and I have all the best reasons to move forward.”-

And I’m glad to read this!

And I have to add that if the idea is eventually to live in Warsaw with both your girlfriend and her mother, I don’t see it working out (Do you?) It may be worth thinking carefully about how much independence and private space a couple needs in order to thrive.

“I also think we should keep talking through this. I often disconnect, as you know, but I’ll try to be more present. I am very grateful for your words and I wish one day I’ll find the right way to make it up to you. Thank you!”-

Oh, Robi… Nothing to make up to me.

Communicating with you over the years has been so positively meaningful to me.

You are exceptionally honest, reflective, and aware. Those qualities have always stood out to me.

Anita

Good late Wed morning (here), Robi 🙂

I was working on a reply for you but have to prepare for a beagle playdate. Will get back to you by tonight.

Anita

Dear Robi:

* I’m adding this note an hour into this message. Using my phone, I had let my thoughts take me where they would, not having a plan, just typing as I think 🙂:

Your explanation of the left-foot-braking (LFB?) while racing is fascinating to me. So, while racing forward, right foot on the gas (.. I just scrolled up to reread your explanation but we’re on a new page, # 15). So, let me see if I can figure it out:

While the right foot is on the gas pedal, making a turn (which requires some slowing down), the left foot presses the brake, and the traction/ friction with the road makes it possible to make the turn as fast as possible .

Without pressing the brakes, staying on the same speed, the car wouldn’t be able to make the turn and instead race ahead in a straight line off the road and.. race is over. Right?

That’s Strategic brakes pushing.

Different from the Survival brakes pushing involved in the Freeze response.

The animal playing dead is pushing the brakes on expressing any emotion, pushing down its natural instinct to run away (Flight) or Fight.

The result is not moving as fast as possible while making a turn. The result is not moving at all.

Not moving at all while fear is still there, the desire to run or fight is still alive inside, but weakened enough to not express itself on the outside.

The Freeze response is intended- by nature- to last for just a short time, just long enough for the predator to lose interest and move on. When that happens, the animal thaws and goes on about life just as it did before, as if nothing happened.

Problem when it comes to humans is that when the Parents are the Predators (stay with me, Robi, I know it sounds dramatic), the pushing of the brakes is long-term, too long for a fast recovery like that in the animal world.

Some parents are predatory in direct, obvious ways such as in severe physical and emotional aggression toward their children.

Other parents simply bypass the whole idea that their child is a person with feelings, one who needs emotional attending to, not just food, and physical shelter.

So, they take care of some of the physical needs of the child, but they not only neglect the emotional needs (the need to be listened to, to have privacy, the need to develop and practice autonomy), they violate those needs- not in violent ways like severe beatings- but in less dramatic ways (ex., entering the child’s space anytime they wish to).

So, even though such parents are not obviously predatory, their impact on the child is that the child has to hide (minimize the computer screen..), put his life on hold until such time that the child is welcomed into the world as an autonomous, real person.

The thawing- for a human who has been Frozen for years- can’t be as fast and as simple as that of an animal who frpze/ played dead for only 20 minutes.

– to be continued.

Anita

Good late Tues morning, Dear Robi:

I got dizzy just reading your description of left foot breaking..🙂

I like “thirsty for… something that feels right”.

I will write more later.

Anita

Welcome back to the forums, Peter:

You’re right that no two people mean the exact same thing with the same word, and that there’s always a gap. And I’m okay this Monday evening being here with you in that gap.

Sometimes connection comes from the intention behind the words — and what I hear in yours is a wish to be met, even inside the mystery you’re describing: the space between what one person means and what another person hears.

Anita

Good Friday afternoon, Nea

Before I continue, I want to say this part is quite direct and long, and it might be easier to read it slowly or in two sittings. You’re already processing a lot — postpartum, sick, and navigating family pressure — so please take your time with this. There’s no rush.

I hope you get over your cold soon 🤍

There’s a pattern that shows up in families with an aggressive or intimidating person, and it’s called Two-siding. It means treating an unequal situation as if both people are equally responsible. It usually happens because people feel safer smoothing things over instead of naming the real source of the problem.

Two‑siding blurs the difference between the person who starts the aggression (the perpetrator) and the person who reacts to being threatened (the victim). It puts the non‑aggressor in a position where they feel guilty and responsible for the aggressor’s behavior. And it protects the aggressor from being confronted.

“Equal accountability” doesn’t match what actually happened during the incidence between the two men. In that incident, your father was the sole aggressor. He initiated every part of the escalation.

* He issued a command meant to silence another adult: “When I tell you to stop talking, you stop talking.” This is coercive control — a classic aggressor behavior.

* He became verbally abusive, swearing and calling your husband names.

* He advanced physically toward your husband.

* He created the conditions of fear and danger in the room.

The person who starts the aggression is the perpetrator. The person who is responding to aggression is not. This is not a “both contributed” situation. It is a one‑sided aggression followed by a defensive reaction.

Your husband was the victim because:

* He did not initiate anything.

* He tried to explain.

* He refused to be silenced — which is healthy.

* He responded verbally to being threatened.

* He moved forward only after her father charged at him.

This is a normal human response to being approached aggressively. It is not escalation — it is self‑protection.

A victim is not responsible for ‘disengaging perfectly’ while being attacked.

* About your husband saying “come hit me then”- your father didn’t proceed to hit your husband, did he? Your husband may have called out your father’s bluff which can make your father think twice before threatening violence again, in which case, your husband’s words may have a positive effect (It reminds me of what I shared with you early on: my mother stopped hitting me only when- at the age of 20 something- I finally resisted her violence by grabbing her hands and pushing against her)

The incident was congruent with your father’s physical and verbal violence through decades:

Nea: “Growing up, there was serious domestic violence in my home. I witnessed significant physical violence between my parents, and there were times when I was trying to guard doors or intervene because things were getting out of control.

“I also experienced physical and verbal abuse myself which continued into young adulthood, with the last incident happening in my mid-20s, and there have been verbal incidents since…

“My dad has also been horrible to my mom over the years. It’s been about 35 years of her going back and forth between hating the situation, saying she should have left, and then deciding she’ll stay and everything is okay again…

“There has been a lot of name-calling directed at me personally over the years. I mean actual swear words and degrading language—being called a “bitch,” being told to “shut the fuck up,” “get the fuck out of my house,” or things like, “You think you’re my mother? You don’t fucking know anything.” Those are just examples that come immediately to mind.”

🌿 Anita