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anitaParticipantContinued:
A 3rd option could be withdrawing from both of them and protecting your personal space that way.
Talking about radical acceptance, the Serenity Prayer comes to mind:
“God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”-
Your friend and her husband sound like people you cannot change, not even a bit, so what you can change is.. You tell me, if you will..? 🙂
Anita
anitaParticipantHello again, Annie 🙂
Of the 2 options telling her how you feel, or continuing to ” grin and bear it”, I would choose the first because the 2nd is about suppressing emotions in a way that’s harmful to you.
It’s pushing them down.. as if they (the emotions) are bad or unacceptable.
(Will continue later)
anitaParticipantWhat a pleasant surprize to read from you again, Annie! Glad you’re here.
I am so sorry you experienced CSA. Indeed, a man perpetrating such abuse is an evil man, and the woman colliding with it is an evil woman.
You wrote: “Radically accepting my emotions is great… To stop overexplaining myself. Is huge… For me, suffering has a lot to do with letting my emotions run the show”-
For as long as I did not radically accept my emotions, and instead, pushed them down, sort of flattening them (taking away their 3rd dimension, suffocating them)-
they naturally rebelled.. fueling lots of overthinking and overexplaining, and running the show in ways that harmed me even further.
It’s been a process to give my emotions back their natural 3-d, to let them breathe, and with that practice, I am getting healthier, one step, one day at a time.
If this resonates, I’ll be glad to share more.
Anita
October 9, 2026 at 9:02 pm in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #461455anitaParticipantHielooww Robi 😀
A big laugh emoji above instead of my usual smile because you’re so F.U.N.N.Y.
Okay, so brown hair (I can see how long in the shadow-photo), brown, smaller, Asian- like eyes, Italian-Spanish-Latino darker skin, especially when tanned, muscles.. I’m missing height and weight but not necessary to share!
I can almost hear you speak English in American accent. I wonder how your voice sounds like.
My photo was taken almost 2 years ago during a Halloween event at the Winery, that’s me mid free-style dancing. My skin is darker too and easily tanned, brown eyes with hazel in them.. but enough about me 🙂
I hope you spend as much time in your friend’s flat as you need to in the next few weeks 🤞
I understand you not wanting to talk about the beating topic. Please remember you don’t have to- not now, not ever.
About your parents digging their graves almost literally, that’s where you’re the funniest. The image of your mother or father driving a car with a trailer attached to it, dropping you off at your friend’s flat and proceeding to load a tombstone into the trailer is..
Wait, they didn’t shop online for a tombstone, to be delivered by Amazon 🤔 ?
You asked: “Can this get any weirder?”- I have no doubt that it can.
So, they appreciated your repainting the main gate of their property (you started that work Oct 6) so much that today (Oct 9) they decided to go tombstone shopping .. 🤔
“Little good things and words come with a price.. so, I’m always alert.”- What price are they likely to exact in this case, I wonder..
🤔🤔🤔-me
October 9, 2026 at 8:20 pm in reply to: When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood #461454anitaParticipantGood Friday Evening, Nea 🙂
I’d like to answer your recent message this way: I’ll read the first paragraph, respond, then read the second paragraph, respond, etc. It’d feel like having a conversation with you this evening.
I’m glad the weather is lovely where you’re at. It’s almost lovely here, and heavenly compared to the weather across the continent- in Fl right now (category 3 hurricanes).
My congrats to you for not pushing your husband further to wish HB or to initiate any conversation with your father 👏
Letting things go, and letting them be.. where’s that emoji again.. 👏
Focusing on Maya and the move is healthy. It’s moving away from what has been unhealthy for too long, way before the incident with your husband in early Aug.
I am surprized that your father had apologized to you after calling you names. I wonder if following his apologies, he had made any detectable effort to fix the (mis) behaviors he apologized for.
“I can’t expect my husband to just sweep (the argument) under the rug”-
What went through my mind as I read this sentence was the image of your husband sweeping his own dignity and self- esteem under the rug.
.. You wrote: “My husband refusing to initiate a conversation and be the bigger person and maintain peace had become so difficult for me to accept”-
I think that your husband refusing to initiate a conversation is about.. not being the smaller person.
And about peace- since your father taking out his stress at home is a decades-long Pattern, Peace around him is only a Pause before the next time. Isn’t it?
About me, helped by your 13-page story, I understand my own story better. And for that I thank you 🙏
Only a short while ago today, I remembered something childlike that my mother said, something that makes me feel affection for her. And at the same time, I hold memories of great hurt and distress that she has caused me.
I can hold both memories, both emotional experiences together.
And there’s grief about never having experienced what a mother should be: safe. I never had and never will have that experience.
Experiencing this grief is helping me finally move on more. I mean, to really trust my experience and to fully understand that there was nothing I could have done and nothing I could do now to have a mom.
Having a mom (a safe and loving mother) has been nothing but a fantasy that I’ve been chasing in one way or another.
👣 (one step, one day at a time), Anita
October 9, 2026 at 1:47 pm in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #461451anitaParticipantI LOVED reading your message, your sense of humor is amazing! I’ll get back 2 u tonight.
anitaParticipantI hope you’re okay, Nami.
How are you?
🤍 Anita
October 8, 2026 at 11:05 am in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #461438anitaParticipantGood Thurs morning, Robi:
Yesterday, you started your message with: “Long day here- yesterday, I started removing the old paint off the main gate of my parents’ property and started repainting it. I wanted to do it throughout the summer, but didn’t manage”-
Did your parents, any one of them, show appreciation for your work, or did they criticize you for not having started it earlier?
Did part of you hope for their appreciation, for them telling you something like: ‘Thank you! You’re a good son!’
I mean, a tiny part?
Bogart the beagle loves hearing “You’re a good boy!”
Any parent ever say that to you?
I wonder how often (if at all), they sent you the you’re-a-good-boy vs the “you’re a bad apple” message.
Another thing I was wondering about this morning is that you shared a lot about your parents in your first thread (June 2018), but I don’t think you mentioned having been “brutally beaten” on that thread. I think that you mentioned it first in this thread (2024-26), and you didn’t elaborate on it.
I wonder how often you were beaten, how brutally and how it felt when she cried and apologized afterwards.
I wonder how it feels now when you remember.
I’m asking because the brutal beating part can make a significant difference in understanding what you’ve been struggling with all along.
Please answer only if you’re able.. and willing 🙂
Anita
October 7, 2026 at 11:49 pm in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #461424anitaParticipantRobi1992, June 8, 2018 (1st post ever): “Hello! I’m about to tell you a story. My story… I’m a 25-year-old guy, living in Europe and I’m supposed to be a photographer. Well technically I am, because I have a bachelor’s and master’s degree in that field but actually, I am not doing anything in that direction. I am not doing anything at all in general and I guess I’ve been pretty much always like this.”
Robi1992, Oct 7, 2026 (8 years & 4 months later): “I’m qualified to do quite a few things. On paper: professional photographer & film maker (BA, MA), certified English teacher and certified fitness/ personal trainer.
“I’m guessing fear has stopped me from doing all of the above. That needs to sink in a little.. Fear has stopped me doing all of the above. Damn it.”
This makes me think of the photo you uploaded only a few days ago, that which I WOW-ed repeatedly, a 2-D photograph of your shadow.
I wonder about the color of your hair, the color of your eyes, your skin, is it pale? How does your voice sound like, a Romanian accent (when you speak English)? How do you sound speaking Romanian? When you get excited about something, is there like a glitter in your eyes?
“On paper: professional photographer…”- In real-life- a Robi that still needs to be seen, heard, and feel like a 3-D magnificent human that you are (not a 2-D image, an on-paper idea)?
Would like to continue this in the morning (my morning)
Anita
anitaParticipantMy dear friend, Going Through Life:
I am curious about the differences you personally see between your “third world country” and “developed ones”, and what you most appreciate in what you observed in France and in Italy.
Here, my socialization experience has been in 2 places: (1) my lovely next-door neighbor who has 2 beagles and a huge outdoor property. We have daily play dates with the 3 beagles (I would have loved to upload a photo of Bogart, but I don’t know how to do it. I’m very low tech),
(2) the dog park downtown, where Bogart gets to play with all kinds of dogs. Sometimes there’s drama among the dogs’ (human) moms and dads, which makes the time there even more interesting.
I did visit a couple of dog-friendly taproom, but only a few times.
🐶 🐾 🐕 🐾 💫 Anita
October 7, 2026 at 10:53 am in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #461417anitaParticipantGood Wed Night (your time), Robi 🙂
I hope you are out and about socializing as I’m typing this, and I understand your need to disconnect from home and all.
I won’t be in a rush to reply then.. I will Thursday or Friday morning (your time).
Anita
anitaParticipantHi Nami:
That on the day he broke up with you, he sent you a pic of him and a new gf on a date, plus, a text saying he’s going to bed with her, suggests to me that his intent was to make you feel badly, to upset you, to hurt you.
You wrote that you think he was toxic- the behavior I just mentioned was indeed toxic.
Your friend said, “You can’t just get a girlfriend on one day like magic”-
The timing of him getting a new girlfriend is unlikely to be true- that he would manage to have the time and the state of mind to start a new romantic relationship on the very same day that he broke up with you.
So, in my mind, like your friend suggested, he’s been cheating.. or maybe, it was all a show (the pic and text at the restaurant, and the pics on discord) meant to hurt you, to produce that “punch on the gut” that you mentioned in your original post.
What do you think, Nami?
🤔 Anita
October 6, 2026 at 8:20 pm in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #461401anitaParticipantHey Dear Robi:
I didn’t respond yesterday to what you wrote here:
“There’s fear of not being good… Whenever I even think of getting any job, I always play out all sorts of things in my head, ‘But what if I mess up that or this?’… I would be afraid of making bad coffee… Yes.. there’s a lot of fear of doing anything. Anything that requires me to perform things… I need to take a good look at it.”-
It may be your body remembering the terrible consequences you suffered when you supposedly made a mistakes in performing things (e.x., exams in school measured in grades) that led to those brutal beatings you mentioned.
The way you described your mother, sounds like she has been very angry, keeping it in most of the time (suppressing it, trying to distract herself by watching lots of TV and online shopping), expressing her anger passive- aggressively,
And at other times (when you were younger) exploding, becoming physically aggressive.
It could be that her anger, chronic anger that your body remembers and is afraid of?
🤔 Anita
October 6, 2026 at 1:10 pm in reply to: I’m not Buddhist, but I love the House of a Thousand Mirrors. #461399anitaParticipantMom says that too? And what does Sleipnir say? 🙂
anitaParticipantDear Going Through Life 🙂
I’m thrilled to read from you again!
Congrats for the new job 👏
Did you enjoy your trip to France and Italy.. and your sister’s wedding in France?
My life hasn’t changed much since we last talked. Well, Bogart the beagle is a bit bigger and as cute as ever and I didn’t find a regular irl socializing opportunity since the taproom closed back in April.
🤍 Anita
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