Dear Harry:

You are welcome. “Yesterday she even met my dad …. If I’m totally honest I don’t know if it is going to work… I’m going to continue playing it how it has been before… She’s still excited for me to come to Australia and so am I“-

– she might be thinking that you are serious about her, being that you introduced her to your father yesterday. When in Australia, she might have you meet all of her family, thinking this is serious, not knowing that you are very conflicted, that you are not totally honest with her, and that your plan is to continue playing it  how it has been before.

“I’m speaking with a therapist who’s helping me with it all“- good thing.

“I won’t bring up what happened before again as far as I can help it“- you mean that you may not be able to not bring up the topic that hurts her.. as in being compelled to bring it up?

“We’ll see how we get on, but for now I’m happy and so is she.“- your romance story has been a very fast romance story, too fast, and she is far away from home. I think that she needs to go back to Australia, and recover in familiar settings: separate her Dreams and Hopes from Reality. Maybe seek therapy there.

It may help if she can see an therapist before she leaves the UK.

I wonder about your attachment style in romantic/ sexual relationships, if it is the avoidant or the ambivalent kind where you seek closeness with a woman, on one hand, and sabotage closeness, on the other hand. Are you aware of the concept of attachment styles?

anita

Dear Debs123:

You are welcome. In this post I want to review what you shared so far, beginning with your original post: “He’s now asked me to dinner. He said he’s excited to see me and catch up…  2 weeks later, no word. “- What happened to his stated excitement to see you? It didn’t motivate him to contact you and arrange to have dinner with you, two weeks so far.

“I always felt something was off, sensed he was lying to me about things. But could never catch him in anything. Until the last breakup. He got caught in a lie… (and) another lie he told. So he lied about lying“- so, you did catch him lying twice, two years ago (the time of the last breakup).

“He said he’d supplement my income until we could buy a house together.  And he bailed, less than 2 months later, citing communication problems… Leaving me to figure out how I’m going pay the bills“- he made a promise to you: to supplement your income, and he broke his promise with no guilty conscience, so it seems.

“He hated conflict, so when I would approach him about how I was feeling, like when he seemed ‘different’ to me, he would eventually blow up at me because, for me, it just wasn’t resolved. He was tired of me bringing things up“- reads like in his mind, his dominant attitude has My Way, or the Highway. No willingness to consider.. your way.

“He did nice things for me throughout the times we were together. He had a way of making me feel special, that I was important. However, he was unkind at times also, making jokes at my expense, saying mean things in the heat of the moment… There just seemed to be something missing, holes in stories.. There were times I thought I was going crazy, unsure about what was real and what wasn’t.  Was he even real?  Was he hiding behind a mask? Was I just paranoid?“- reads to me that you were not paranoid regarding him, and that he was- is, indeed, hiding behind a mask, as in a succession of mask-on, mask-off behaviors, a pattern that would confuse anyone who is emotionally attached to him while not being  aware of what is happening.

What you shared about him makes me think of a title of a book: People of The Lie by Dr. Peck. Quotes from the book that seem to fit the guy you were involved with (and in parentheses, explanation of the quotes by bookey. app):

“The most common form of evil is not the spectacular crime, but the everyday betrayal” (“the author persuasively suggests that the most prevalent type of evil is not the sensationalized acts of violence or grand crimes, but rather the everyday betrayals we often disregard… While we may be quick to condemn heinous acts that make headlines, we often overlook the small but significant ways in which individuals harm others through deceit, manipulation, and acts of betrayal in our everyday interactions”).

“Evil is often hidden in plain sight, camouflaged by the masks of normalcy” (“In our daily lives, we encounter numerous individuals who seem perfectly normal and ordinary, yet behind their seemingly innocent facade lies a darker side… Evil… thrives on disguises and camouflage, fooling those around it. It serves as a reminder that appearances can be deceiving”).

“Evil seeks to destroy truth because truth reveals its existence” (“Evil is inherently threatened by truth… Evil thrives in darkness and deception, using lies and manipulation to conceal its true intentions”).

“Evil feeds on the ignorance and complacency of good people” (“Evil thrives when good people remain unaware or indifferent to its presence… It serves as a reminder that combating evil requires not only the absence of malevolence but also active awareness, vigilance, and a refusal to turn a blind eye to injustice. Only through the collective effort of the good can evil be confronted and overcome”).

“Evil lives in the gap between what is said and what is done” (“True evil lurks not only in the actions or words themselves, but in the inherent contradiction that arises when they fail to align. The quote implies that evil thrives in these gaps, exploiting the dissonance between purported values or intentions and the actual behavior exhibited. Whether through empty promises, deceit, or hypocrisy, evil finds fertile ground in the space where words and actions do not align, serving as a reminder to be vigilant and aware of the incongruities that may exist in our interactions with others”).

anita

Dear soma:

I am earlier than I said I’d be, after reviewing some of our recent communication. “care to give me any advice on this?“- yes: slow down, calm down, be patient with yourself and with him.

Don’t RUSH- emotionally and otherwise. Turn down the speed by which your emotions travel. Make it easier for him, he needs things being easier for him, doesn’t he?

anita

Dear Clara:

You are welcome!

“I will try to look at the books you recommend”– well, I didn’t read any of the three books I mentioned, so I can’t recommend any of them (I googled the topic earlier today, and came across these books and other books/ online sources), but I do recommend that you read about the anxious attachment style.

“So, yes, voice out clearly“- yes!!!

“As a child, there was no personal space for myself“- time to take your personal space now, to voice out clearly what you need.. to no longer make do with no personal space/ no- Clara!

“I think I struggled to forgive my parents for a quite a period of time, while they didn’t even know what I was angry or irritated about“- isn’t it something, how visible you were to them physically, even while taking a shower, but you were invisible when it came to your emotions.

“I think somehow I know people can be a source of danger“- don’t hide your legitimate needs out of fear. It takes courage, and you, Clara, you have what it takes!

Thank you for the good (Mon) night wish, and good Tues morning to you!

anita

Dear YOR:

You are very welcome, and I am glad to read from you again, and to read and that you will keep in touch!

Good things: you are regaining your health, you absolutely love your new job, and your parents are supportive of you!

“In those things, a different book appeared – about karma and his religion. I had a feeling to read it.. or open it.. but I didn’t yet“- better donate it to a library, I am thinking.

“I cannot comprehend how people change so easily“- fully accept that he changed, grieve the man he was and is no more, and you will move on.

anita

* I recently learned to send emojis using my phone (I don’t know how to make it happen using the computer). I sent the emojis to Helcat, but after sending this message using the computer, I will try to cheer you up, Caroline, by sending you emojis in a following message.

Dear Caroline

I know all too well how it feels to suffer like you do, similar to you: unresolved anger, tormenting.

“not sure how to express it“- if you are still awake, in dim lights, while you sit comfortably in a chair, or in bed, type away your anger: hit the keyboard keys with a bit more force than usual, an angry force, and just let the words jump from out of your head=> the keyboard=> the computer screen.

“I was angry because someone told me I was wrong.  And I was obsessing over people telling me ‘No’ all the time and pointing I was wrong.  I feel like I should just shut up forever because everything I say is stupid and wrong“- everybody says unwise, wrong things sometimes, including the people who pointed to you as unwise or wrong. If ever person who says unwise, wrong things would forever shut up… nobody will be talking.

If you want to share more about what happened recently, and perhaps about things we talked about previously that are connected to your recent experience, please do.

anita

You are welcome, Franco, and please post again anytime you would like more input/ advice.

anita

Dear Franco:

“I fear she might reject me due to my inexperience… The feeling of shame is overwhelming… This situation stems from a past rejection that led me to avoid pursuing relationships, causing my insecurities to mount… The rejection hurt so much at the time that I don’t pursued any romantic relationship“-

– the past rejection you experienced hurt you so much indeed. I am sorry that you experienced so much hurt. And I am sorry that as a result, you experience mounted insecurities, fear and shame.

“Recently, I met a woman… I’m open to any advice.“- the woman you met, I bet she experiences insecurities too, that she is afraid as well. Maybe she experiences painful shame, or knows someone who does, someone she cares about, and she feels empathy for that person. Maybe when she sees you being shy or whatnot, she’d feel empathy for you too.

When I was young, I was drawn to shy young men, not to the confident macho kind. And I did not like those who had girlfriends before because that made me feel jealous. Maybe the woman you met would be delighted to know that you lack experience with other women (I would have been, in her shoes).

“I… am sociable, and run a small business“- she may be impressed that you run a small business and that you are sociable, and this may be her focus (different from your focus, which is the experience you lack).

“I was thinking of going to talk in person where she works, when she is alone in the shop, to break the ice, and after a few days, send a message on Instagram and tell her that I like to know  her better, if She seems interested I will ask her out for a coffee or a drink“- reads like a good plan to me.

My advice: get to know her as a friend to begin with, little by little. Pay attention to what she values, to what she thinks is important in life. See if there is a compatibility before you consider the possibility of a physical relationship.

anita