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December 15, 2023 at 10:17 am in reply to: Does this sound like ROCD or just anxiety? Need some insight/ advice please. #426106
anitaParticipantDear Nala1234:
Welcome back! We communicated back in October 6-18, 2022. On Oct 8 last year I mentioned ROCD to you. A year and 2 months later (today), you asked if what you’re experiencing- with the same boyfriend- sounds like “ROCD or just anxiety?“. I will try to answer your question at the end of this post.
Back in October 2022, you shared (I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes): “I feel a lot of built up guilt… I base a lot of my happiness on the happiness of others, especially my immediate family. If they are unhappy I blame myself… My upbringing never really taught me how to process sad or negative feelings. If there was a problem, I was taught to… always have my guard up… it has always made me think I can’t let anyone ever see me weak… I don’t question my parents love for me… (but) It is a depending love.. it makes me feel like, if I cannot help them then they will.. not like me.. It is how I am asked for things. It is always such a guilt trip and makes it nearly impossible to say no. Guilt trips are a bigggg thing in my family. They have been used my whole life“-
– Re-reading the above, I am noticing the following: (1) your anger (in the part I boldfaced) at the people in your immediate family who guilt tripped you so heavily and for so long. (2) your distrust in your parents’ love for you, suspecting that their love will not be there if you don’t submit to their guilt trips and do what they want you to do. (3) you grew up suppressing and repressing (pushing down) your negative emotions, guarding them from being expressed.
You shared today: “I get these horrible intrusive thoughts about my significant other… They always get triggered by some kind of small action that he makes. Things that should just pass by, feel like an explosion of emotions in my head and body. For example, we were leaving the store a couple days ago with just one item. As we finished checking out, he started to walk towards the exit without grabbing the one item, assuming I would grab it… I immediately felt this overwhelming sensation with negative thoughts like ‘he doesn’t take care of you.’ ‘how can he be so rude to the person he is supposed to love?’ ‘he is so inconsiderate. Only ever thinks about himself’ ‘what is wrong with him?’… ‘He always just assumes you’ll take care of everything’ These thoughts put me in panics. They make me question everything. Every move he makes, I try to analyze. The feeling that overcomes my body is so overwhelming… This happens every so often randomly and it makes me feel like I am losing my mind”-
– seems to me that when your significant other (I’ll refer to him as S) left the item for you to carry, your suppressed and repressed anger from your childhood erupted. The incident of S leaving the item for you to carry was a small incident, but your childhood pent up anger is HUGE, and your emotional reaction to the incident was proportional to the amount of your pushed-down anger at your parents for guilt tripping you and making their love for you conditional on you submitting to their guilt trips.
Him leaving the item for you to carry made you think of/ feel your parents leaving their happiness for you to carry (“If they are unhappy I blame myself“, Oct 2022).
The thoughts that crossed your mind during that incident regarding S: (1) “he doesn’t take care of you.“- a thought that follows perhaps an earlier life thought such as: my parents don’t take care of me: they make me feel guilty and they won’t stop no matter how badly I feel! ‘
(2) “how can he be so rude to the person he is supposed to love?“- a thought that follows perhaps an earlier life thought such as: how can my parents be so rude to me, a person they are supposed to love? (3) ‘he is so inconsiderate. Only ever thinks about himself‘”-… my parents are so inconsiderate of me, they only think about themselves, their unhappiness, their feelings, not mine!
(6) “He always just assumes you’ll take care of everything“- a thought that follows perhaps an earlier life thought such as: my parents assume and demand that I will take care of their feelings.. what about MY feelings?
As to your question: “Does this sound like ROCD or just anxiety?“- my answer: it sounds like a mix of anger and anxiety.
“Need some insight/ advice“- it is very difficult for most (if not all) children and adult children to talk negatively about their parents, particularly when heavily guilt tripped as children, but it is necessary to do so when one’s parents’ behaviors were indeed significantly or severely negative, having created an emotional backlog of (understandable, valid) hurt, anger and fear inside you. Quality psychotherapy is the best place to do it, to talk and process these backlogged, pushed down intense feelings, so that their intensity lessens and lessens and you reach a place of peace within yourself.
What do you think of my reply, Nala1234?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Julia:
You shared (I am paraphrasing a bit, with quotes) that your childhood included lots of unprocessed trauma, verbal and emotional abuse. As a result, as a younger adult, you didn’t know who you were, didn’t know your boundaries, and made bad choices in relationships, such as to “flee at the first sign of trouble in any kind of relationship” because of fear of abandonment.
About four years ago (2019), you started to work on your trauma, embarking on “a personal growth journey… changing and growing so much“. You ended toxic friendships, learned to set boundaries, to communicate you needs and to advocate for yourself. Initially you set too many boundaries, which shut a lot of people out, but you corrected and “found a happy middle ground“.
You made new friends and dated, but not yet adequately settled into the new you, not being ready, “nothing really grew into anything close… no relationship turned into something deeper”. Currently- in this holiday season- feeling more settled into the new-you, you put yourself out there, but find yourself “really lonely and lost“.
You asked: “Anyone have any advice on how to move forward?“- first, congratulations for the first four years of your personal growth journey, a journey of learning and transforming yourself to the New Julia!
The journey needs to not end but continue with new learnings and adjustments to new learnings that will bring about healthy, deep friendships/ relationship into your life. New learnings must not undo past learnings that are part of your personal growth journey, but instead, expand on past learnings.
I don’t know what new learnings need to take place (and there will always more to learn), so I will be using a few quotes from a book I never read, The Untethered Soul, quotes I find very meaningful, so to suggest possibilities. I hope to read from you next about what may apply to you and in what ways. (I will be adding the boldface feature to the following):
“The purpose of your life is to enjoy and learn from your experiences. You were not put on earth to suffer”.
“The alternative is to decide not to fight with life. You realize and accept that life is not under your control. Life is continuously changing, and if you’re trying to control it, you’ll never be able to fully live it. Instead of living life, you’ll be afraid of it”.
“You have to understand that it is your attempt to get special experiences from life that makes you miss the actual experience of life”.
“Just relieve your mind of the job of making sure that everyone and everything will be the way you need them to be so that you can feel better inside”.
“The only permanent solution to your problems is to go inside and let go of the part of you that seems to have so many problems with reality. Once you do that, you’ll be clear enough to deal with what’s left”.
“In truth, pain is the price of freedom. And the moment you are willing to pay that price, you will no longer be afraid. The moment you are not afraid of the pain, you’ll be able to face all of life’s situations without fear”.
“One of the most important areas requiring change is how we solve our personal problems. We normally attempt to solve our inner disturbances by protecting ourselves. Real transformation begins when you embrace your problems as agents of growth“.
“When you feel pain, simply view it as energy… Then relax. Do the opposite of contracting and closing. Relax and release… You must be willing to be present right at the place of the tightness and pain, and then relax and go even deeper. This is very deep growth and transformation… As you relax and feel the resistance, the heart will want to pull away, to close, to protect, and to defend itself. Keep relaxing. Relax your shoulders and relax your heart. Let go and give room for the pain to pass through you. It’s just energy. Just see it as energy and let it go”. (quotes from The Untethered Soul).
anita
anitaParticipantDear Julia:
“Now I feel like I am more settled into the new me“- can you tell me about the new you? I would like to read about the New You. If you tell me, I will reply kindly, Fri morning (in about 12 hours from now).
anita
anitaParticipantDear Priyan:
“She is a self proclaimed empath and a spiritual person. She believes in past lives, reincarnation… last night, she said that she wanted to end it because she goes into a depressed state after we have sex…. According to her this is a sign from the universe that my ‘soul’ is not good for her ‘soul’. She also claimed that I drain all her energy when I am with her and called me an ‘energy vampire’. Now what I don’t understand is, how can I be bad for her soul when I only have respect and love for her? I have never had any ill intentions towards her at all. When I asked her this question, she said that I am a good person but my soul is doing it subconsciously”-
– So, what she is saying that it is not Priyan in his current incarnation (as Priyan) who is an “energy vampire” who is draining her energy and making her depressed every time after she has sex with you, but it is your previous incarnations (as other people who lived and died before you) who are doing this to her. This means that you (Priyan) having love and respect for her and no ill intentions is not relevant, because it’s about people who lived and died before you were born.
“It hurts a lot because she made me the bad guy here”- correction: the guys before you were born.
“On top of being hurt, I am losing my mind trying to figure out if there was any truth to what she said. How am I even supposed to make sense of her reasons, let alone move on?“-
– You can’t argue against her faith-based, never to be proven or disproven current understanding of things. Looking at the title of your thread, “Was I led on or was it all my imagination?“- seems to me that she is led by her own imagination, at this point, and it’s better for you to not take a further ride in her imagination journey.. or episode.
How do you feel about my reply?
anita
December 14, 2023 at 12:15 pm in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #426073anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
“I have thought a lot about hatch in this breakup and definitely do not want to have empathy for her mountain lion (let’s say shark)“- being that you are a sea turtle, it is definitely more appropriate to take my imagery of the mountain lion & deer) underwater.
A bit of preparatory research, from ocean faun. com: “Sharks typically look at anything smaller than themselves as a potential food source. So, if sea turtles are smaller, sharks will eat them… In particular, hatchling and juvenile sea turtles are more vulnerable to shark predation than adult ones due to their smaller size and lack of experience in avoiding predators. However, smaller sharks don’t take sea turtles as prey since they can’t overpower the larger sea turtles. Great white, tiger, hammerhead, and bull sharks are some of the more common shark species that feed on sea turtles… Sharks can break the shell of sea turtles in certain cases. Sharks have incredibly strong jaws and sharp teeth, which allow them to crush and tear through most things that it encounters, including the protective shells of sea turtles. While turtle shells are generally tough enough to protect them from most predators, there are some instances when a particularly powerful shark can break the shell, potentially leading to the death of the turtle. This typically occurs when the shark bites with enough force and pressure at a weak point on the shell, such as near its neck or tail. The shark can then use its powerful jaws to break through the hard outer layer of a turtle’s carapace and get inside, where it can feed on the tender flesh beneath. It’s also possible that if a shark has a large enough body size relative to the turtle, it could simply crush it using brute force alone… The natural behavior of sea turtles does not involve attacking anything or defending themselves against potential threats with force or aggression. Rather, sea turtles prefer to flee from danger by swimming away at full speed using their strong flippers and long tails. While this technique is usually successful in avoiding predators such as sharks, there are some instances where a shark may be too fast for a turtle to outswim it”.
Okay, so the imagery change: You are a sea turtle and N is a shark. Your best defense is to swim away from him as fast as you can (No Contact). If the sea turtle has empathy for the shark, that very empathy will slow it down or make it stop its fleeing altogether, ending with the sea turtle being prey.
Back to your yesterday post: “It is hurtful when someone defends a shark in your life, because it invalidates you and I don’t want to do this to myself. So I am open to evaluating my shark now. This creature has always been an interesting but very frightening creature for me… They eat Seaturtles, part of my evidence into believing I am a reincarnated sea turtle. I do not believe this so strongly, it is more of a little feeling that could be true, but who knows what really is true when these matters come to the surface. Anyways, is there anything specifically you think I should evaluate about N?“-
– No, just keep No Contact with the shark. Think of some people as predators because.. many people are, unfortunately, and in so many ways. When dealing with a Predator, your first priority should be- must be (if you are to survive) to not be Prey.
“Do you think he knows he was manipulating?“- yes, he knows. But he doesn’t know-know, meaning he doesn’t think deeply about it, just as he doesn’t think deeply about anything that he doesn’t find it necessary to think about. Unlike you, he is not curious to grow, gain wisdom, and understand life and the meaning of it.
“When I would sense this lack of love or respect, I would bring it up to him and he would act as though I offended him. ‘How could you not feel loved after..’ listing things like coming to see my family, being there when I cry etc. I would then get confused and think I was just ungrateful. I would mention the respect, and he would say ‘you think I would stay with someone I didn’t respect?’“-
– he doesn’t give any thought to your questions and concerns, instead he throws them back at you. He is about deflecting, accusing, denying, guilt-tripping, gaslighting.. He is about Winning, no matter the cost. He is not about growing, gaining wisdom, and understanding life and the meaning of it.
“This makes me relieved that this lack of feeling sad/upset is revealing of some positive change inside me. I hope to get better at seeing the positive changes as a result of the work I have done and am doing.“-I am glad. Please do keep your crown chakra open and your light bright, and you will enjoy a rare clarity about “the difference between gut and fear in relationships“!
anita
December 14, 2023 at 11:08 am in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #426071anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
I want to start today’s post with the link you provided some time ago about auras, it says (I am adding the boldface feature):
“When someone references an ‘aura,’ they’re talking about the unseen spiritual energy field that surrounds all living things. ‘Anything alive has an aura,’… Energetically speaking, white is thought to be a very high vibrational color, relating to pure light… White is the rarest of all aura colors and indicates purity, integrity and a high level of spirituality.’ Because it’s associated with the crown chakra, it also relates to universal energy and oneness…
“Generally speaking, white auras will appear bright and glowing… associated with innocence, generosity, altruism, wisdom, as resistance to corruption… If one’s aura is bright white, this indicates their crown chakra is open—hence why this aura is so rare; not everyone gets around to unblocking their crown chakra in their lifetime…. They search for meaning, purpose, and connection…
“These folks can still face their own set of challenges. Their purity, for example, can sometimes result in naiveté… ‘Because they always wish to see the good… they may sometimes be naive to other people’s true intentions.. People may take advantage of them through manipulation or dishonesty…
“People with white auras love deep conversations and would rather avoid the small talk. ‘This is because they are always curious to grow, gain wisdom, and understand life and the meaning of it better… If the white appears dark or murky, this could indicate ‘naiveté, judgment, self-sacrifice to the extent of self-harm, and allowing others to deceive or manipulate them in the hopes of finding greater good,'”.
And now, to your three posts from yesterday (the italicized are quotes of what you wrote, and the boldfaced- quotes from the online link above):
“Trying to fit the mold so that you will receive genuine affection, and the mold = hatch’s cage“- Trying to fit a manipulator’s mold/ N’s mold, in the hopes of finding greater good, which would be the kind of love that indicates purity, integrity and a high level of spirituality, something that N is not capable of.
“Part of the damage, I believe, in our gaslighter and gaslightee dynamic, is that it made me question my feelings a lot… it has also shaken my confidence about my feelings“- N re-introduced (F was the original introducer) the dark or murky into your white aura, having been in the position to deceive or manipulate you, replacing your gut (feelings true to reality) with fear.
“When M made that insensitive comment, and it hurt my feelings, I suddenly felt weak“- M participated in the introduction of the dark or murky into your white aura. There are plenty of people who do that.
“How do I begin to gain some self confidence in my intuition and feelings, do I need some tougher skin?“- the answer is not to close the crown chakra because of fear, but to open it even more and shine brighter.
I think that a quote from the book you mentioned earlier, The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself explains how to open your heart and crown chakra when experiencing fear/ pain:
“When you feel pain, simply view it as energy. Just start seeing these inner experiences as energy passing through your heart and before the eye of your consciousness. Then relax. Do the opposite of contracting and closing. Relax and release. Relax your heart until you are actually face-to-face with the exact place where it hurts. Stay open and receptive so you can be present right where the tension is. You must be willing to be present right at the place of the tightness and pain, and then relax and go even deeper. This is very deep growth and transformation. But you will not want to do this. You will feel tremendous resistance to doing this, and that’s what makes it so powerful. As you relax and feel the resistance, the heart will want to pull away, to close, to protect, and to defend itself. Keep relaxing. Relax your shoulders and relax your heart. Let go and give room for the pain to pass through you. It’s just energy. Just see it as energy and let it go”.
“N’s last words ‘So you’re breaking up with me cause I wasn’t delicate enough with you?’ Am I too delicate? weak“- N is weak, too weak to open his heart and mind (his heart and crown chakras). You are strong because you are keeping your heart and crown chakras open and vibrating.
“Why are my feelings hurt easily and how do I become stronger, but at the same time not deny what is true?“- aim at not taking other people’s (N’s, M’s) hurtful or insensitive words as The truth. N, for example, is not about strength, but about appearances of strength. If you see this statement as true, you will see his claims about strength and about your alleged weakness- as false.
“When I feel more invincible, after yoga, or just certain times of the month when estrogen sores, I feel less affected by others, but there are inevitably times I feel more sensitive, but just avoiding people doesn’t seem like the correct answer, often my temptation“- go to the quote above from The Untethered Soul.
“My family reminds me I am strong, but I also think I have some self esteem work to do. I don’t want to need others, I am not sure how much I am suppose to need others, because I don’t want to be the type of person that says ‘I don’t need anybody’ but I also definitely don’t want to be the opposite. this is a balance I struggle with, leaning more on the side of wanting others to be there for me, but am often disappointed“- we all “people who need people” like the song People says. It’s just that like the link says above: “this aura is so rare; not everyone gets around to unblocking their crown chakra in their lifetime”, so there’re lots of disappointments.. unless you have realistic expectations of people.
“You know what this makes me think, as an empath in a relationship with N, I must have taken on his stress for a long time… I wonder what the book would write about once an empath escapes someone who put a lot onto them.. thoughts?“- I think that the book would say that it is a very good thing when an empath escapes a gaslighter.
Here is what you wrote on Oct 23 about that bad experience: “When I lived with my partner and my triggers were being pushed at a faster rate than I could heal, I was exhausted all the time. It lead me to calling out of work a lot, I would spend my actual time off with my partner, then I would call out when he wasn’t home so I could have some alone time… my paycheck decreased significantly and eventually I was fired“. The experience has cost you a job and an income.
Back to your yesterday post, a month and 3 weeks later, here is the word exhausting again: “With N or other people unable to be authentic, you have to spell it out for them, which is exhausting, but then, half of those times you spell it out they still do not understand, it can be so frustrating and exhausting“. N has been draining and exhausting your auras.
“I need more confidence in my instincts because wow was I manipulated, this is very validating, that there is a difference between explaining and denying. There were many times when he would accuse my intentions behind an action and I would try to explain to him my true thinking, but he would call my explanations excuses”- he denied your true thinking and in so doing, put the murky in your white aura through manipulation or dishonesty.
“I would then reply, ‘no I just want you to understand me and why I do things’ then he would say I had double standards because he was not allowed to explain (which was really denying) and I was allowed to explain (true explanations of why)“-
– he did not even think about or consider the content of what you said. What he heard (in his low vibrational/ closed crown chakra state), was that you accused him of something or that you said something he didn’t like, so his response: to deflect blame/to deny anything at all that you say that is not convenient for him to hear, not even knowing what it is that he is denying. Unlike you, he is not curious to grow, gain wisdom, and understand life and the meaning of it better“. Instead, he operates by what you termed in the next quote, emotional instincts.
“It is sad. I wish I could fix him, help him to learn to take responsibility and see others pain. See the weight of words, and emotional instincts so that he could one day experience a soulmate“- it is sad that in your efforts to help him, you’d be allowing him to destroy you.
“This is a feeling I want to express, maybe in a painting.. poem or song. The feeling of loving someone with a mask on and trying so desperately to take it off so he would see me. The feeling of feeling frozen when I suddenly see the mask, not knowing how to speak it’s language. Feeling relieved it is gone, confused how I didn’t see it for so long, sad that I am not sad.. I want to be sad, instead I feel ‘nothing with a dose of loneliness’, a good title haha.“- very well said, inspirational!
The language of the mask, of N’s mask in this case is: you (Seaturtle) are not there! Or said in other words: Hatchling, I do not want to see you or hear you: go to your cage!
“When you mentioned breaking up for the first time, I remember feeling relief“- as in the murky (confusion/ exhaustion) gone from the white light.. the spiritual energy freed from its cage, allowing for clarity and life energy?
“When I would try to guide our conversation to a more spiritual place, often his responses would be about something I was not necessarily talking about. Whereas when I talk to others they can follow me there, like M or even other acquaintances. I would instead feel sort of frozen with N as he redirected me and I was pulled out of my meditative conversational state“- like I wrote above (before reading this part), “he did not even think about or consider the content of what you said. What he heard (in his low vibrational/ closed crown chakra state), was that you accused him of something or that you said something he didn’t like, so his response: to deflect”, to redirect you.
Because of the length of this post, I will continue my reply in a new post.
anita
December 13, 2023 at 3:39 pm in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #426058anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
I will reply Thurs morning, but for now: is there anything specifically you think I should evaluate about N?”- I misspoke when I suggested to reevaluate N: I didn’t mean to evaluate him further. I meant to let the re-evaluation already done sink in. The past evaluation was that he was a stand up guy and an emotionally supportive boyfriend. The re-evaluation is that he has been a dishonestly manipulative boyfriend, a gaslighter. More tomorrow.
anita
December 13, 2023 at 11:34 am in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #426052anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
Your post today made my day: from you feeling much better all the way to this (in regard to N): “I feel like I should be more sad or upset, but I am not“. Referring to the title of your now 17-page thread, your gut is getting stronger and your fear is getting weaker. And I am thrilled to witness this happening!
“As an empath in a relationship with N, I must have taken on his stress for a long time… I wonder how much of my current thoughts are due to a lack of things to worry about… I wonder what the book would write about once an empath escapes someone who put a lot onto them.. thoughts?”-
– In think that once you see N for who he is (for who he has become during his 1st & 2nd decades of his life, before he ever met you), you can see that you are so much better off without him in your life. An empath is an easy prey for a gaslighter or any other kind of abuser. This is why children are so easily damaged by abusive parents: young children are empaths of the most sensitive kind.
I am not focused enough to reply further today, and I will reply (to your recent post and to anything you may add to it) tomorrow morning. I will end this post with saying: I am proud of you, Seaturtle!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Priyan:
“If she really did have feelings for me, she would have shown that, yes?“- I suppose she did show feelings for you when kissing you, hugging you, cuddling, etc., but she has a complexity of feelings and her most relevant and dominant feeling in regard to you is that she wants space from you, and she views the relationship negatively enough to fear that it “might hurt” her (her words).
“Should I give her the space she asked for and wait until she gets back to me with an answer or should I just walk away? I know it is going to hurt either way, but, will the pain be any less if I walk away?“-
– I think that walking away and letting her know that you are walking away from her is a better choice because it is the choice where you are exercising some control over your life. On the other hand, to “wait until she gets back to (you)” is a choice where you give her control over you.
Like you said, either way it will hurt, but better that you hurt while having some power/ control over what happens in your life than hurting while powerless, waiting and depending on what she might or might not feel, say and do at any one time in the future. Does this make sense to you?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Priyan:
You are welcome, good to read back from you although I am sad that you are feeling confused, hurt, ignored and used.
(I am adding the boldface feature to the following quotes from your post today): “We spent the time together cooking her dish for potluck, watching movies, going out and obviously having a lot of fun in the bedroom. This time I showed my affection and love for her more than usual when she was with me. We hugged, kissed and cuddled more often than usual. I should also tell you that while I was the one who initiated the hugs and cuddles, she never resisted and participated with the same enthusiasm. But she also made sure to keep reminding me that I am nothing more than a good friend with benefits. I even took her to her doctor’s appointment and when was diagnosed to be clinically depressed, I helped her look up therapists in her area”-
– she was diagnosed with clinical depression during the same week she was with you… the same week when she appeared to have a lot of much fun with you, enthusiastically hugging and kissing you?
“I asked her point blank if she was avoiding me. She replied that she has a lot going on for her (didn’t say what) and that she needs her space. She also said she wants to rethink the relationship she has with me and that she wants to cut back on how much time we spend talking/spending with each other as she is scared that might hurt both of us if/when we decide to date other people. So in essence, she went from someone who used to send me romantic texts and video call everyday to… someone who wants to take a break from me now. All this while we were having sex and she knowing that I have feelings for her. From the way she is behaving I cannot say if she has any feelings for me or is she just scared of commitment and is trying to run away from her emotions“-
-her behavior makes me think of a person on a diet, avoiding fattening foods altogether, but every once in a while, going on a binge: eating a lot of the fattening foods they otherwise avoid, then regret the binge and go back to their diet.. until the next binge. This would explain her enthusiastically hugging you, etc., spending a lot of affectionate and sexual time with you and then- going to the other extreme of no affection and no sex. Does this comparison make sense to you?
anita
December 13, 2023 at 8:12 am in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #426041anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
You mentioned earlier that you read the book The Empath’s Survival Guide. Here is a quote from the book that reads relevant to your current situation: “What makes an empath’s overload symptoms worse? Fatigue, illness, rushing, traffic, crowds, loud environments, toxic people, low blood sugar, arguing, overwork, chemical sensitivities, too much socializing, and feeling trapped in overstimulating situations such as parties and cruises. Any combination of these conditions intensifies an empath’s overload. Therefore, keep the following in mind: stress + low blood sugar = drama and exhaustion.”
Here is another quote that reads relevant: “Empaths may unknowingly get involved with toxic partners and become anxious, depressed, or ill. They give their hearts too easily to narcissists and other unavailable people. Empaths are loving and expect others to be that way, which doesn’t always happen. They also absorb their partner’s stress and emotions, such as anger or depression, simply by interacting with them,”.
And another: ““You may also freeze around inauthentic people, which can convey aloofness — but this is clearly a protective device. Some empaths prefer socializing online to keep others at a distance, so there’s less of the tendency to absorb their discomfort and stress.”
anita
December 13, 2023 at 7:55 am in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #426040anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
How are you feeling today? Did you see a doctor/ are you getting the best medical care possible for you? I hope that you are not having fever today and that you are feeling better. Please read the following only if you are feeling well enough:
“He must of meant some of the things he said“- everyone means some of the things they say. No one lies all the time. In cartoons and in some movies, the bad character is bad all the time. In real-life, bad characters have moments of feeling and acting on genuine affection for others, and this is why real-life is more confusing than cartoons. For example, Adolf Hitler (a bad man) felt and expressed genuine affection for his (very obedient) German Shepard Blondi.
The above is an extreme example, but it applies to everyone. Notice that he felt genuine affection to a 100% obedient dog.
Four days ago (Dec 9), I wrote this to you: “Did he sometimes feel genuine affection for you? I am sure he did. Is it love? Depends how you define love: if you define it as occasional affection/ passion, then yes, he loved you…. (but) look at the BIGGER picture, and ask: is this love?… Where there is repeated abuse, there is no love. N didn’t beat you up, but he lied and gaslighted you repeatedly, unnecessarily hurting you repeatedly. This- I say- is not love”.
On July 29 and in early October, you wrote in regard to you and N not soulmates: “I don’t think we are soulmates. But we are very in love… my partner is a stand up man, no question… we laugh of course at times, but not as much as I would have imagined, our sense of humor isn’t as in sync as I have had with other friends… I can sadly, but confidently admit, he is not currently my soulmate. I don’t see him at the depth I have seen others and definitely don’t feel seen in as deep a way as I crave…I have had the smallest glimpses but over all I don’t think our souls are mates“-
-at first, and for a long time, I took your word for it that he is a stand up man, no question, and I thought that the problem was with you having unrealistic expectations of a 100% match between minor factors such as the sense of humor between 2 individuals who are.. not the same individual. It took a lot of time for me to finally understand that he is NOT a stand up man, and that indeed, for the longest time, like you wrote in the quote above, you didn’t see him at the depth you have seen others: you didn’t see that the problem is not a difference in your sense of humor vs his, but in the difference between a gaslighter and a gaslightee. An emotional manipulator (the gaslighter/ perpetrator) and the emotionally manipulated (the gaslightee/victim) cannot possibly be soulmates.
* An emotional manipulator, a gaslighter, a person who repeatedly (although not always) lies to his significant other is NOT a stand up man.
Back to your yesterday’s post: “Shortly after reading this I made a comment to M that being sick makes me miss him taking care of me. And she snapped at me and said ‘girl you have to stop.'”-
– It is understandable that when you are sick, your thinking is less clear and your emotions take over. It is also understandable that after you tell a 3rd party (M, me) how you suffered in a relationship, then broke up.. and then express wanting to resume the relationship- this is upsetting to the 3rd party. You said that M too has Covid, this may be a factor in her snapping at you.
“It’s not even been a week I just feel depressed and sad tonight and very alone. It’s my first time being tempted to text him to just feel something, I want a hug so badly right now. I also went on a hike on Sunday and fell really bad, I split my knee open and M helped me glue it back together but I am having a hard time walking. That was the first moment I missed N, I wanted to be comforted, instead my friend was laughing that I fell haha. I just feel so alone, the COVID is making my body ache, and because of my knee I haven’t been able to go to hot yoga. I have a fever now and just wish my mom… I just feel a little lost Anita.”-
– I am sorry that you are sick and that you hurt your knee, and hope that you are feeling better and that you will feel better every day. You mentioned not being able to do hot yoga because your knee hurts, but having fever and your whole body aching also makes hot yoga a bad idea at this time. Try to not place M in the bad-person-category and then reach out to N.
You will recover from Covid and your knee will heal, and you will be able to do hot yoga again. I understand your need to be hugged… Will you place your arms around yourself? I just hugged myself and rocked my self back and forth a bit, and it felt good. Can you try this?
anita
December 12, 2023 at 7:34 pm in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #426027anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
I am not focused right now but I understand enough about your state of mind. I will write more in the morning, but for now, in regard to “it’s too painful to think it was all just blah blah blah”- it was all a whole lot more than blah-blah-blah as far as what it all meant to you, it’s just that he is not like you, he is not the quality of a person that you are. There are people who APPEAR a certain way, a certain quality, but they are not what they appeared.
Don’t reach out to him. Be true to (as the saying goes in certain 12-step support groups) Principles, not Personalities: principles such as honesty, truthfulness. It’s 7:34 pm here (same as your time). Good night, Seaturtle. I’ll be online for the next 10-20 minutes.
anita
December 12, 2023 at 3:07 pm in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #426025anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
I am back. I hope to read from you soon and know how you’re feeling with Covid. I wasn’t alarmed reading that you and your roommate have Covid because I keep hearing from people telling me it’s like having a cold or a light flu, people who are much older than you, so I figure it’s like a cold or a light flu for you too, is it?
“I haven’t had communication directly with N“- good, I hope it keeps being this way. No N Contact (NNC).
“but he did text my sister.. she said that she texted him asking for advice on a Christmas gift for me…and he responded ‘blah blah blah’ He then said ‘blah blah blah’ … He said: ‘Hey blah blah blah’ … ‘blah blah blah’ My sister responded religiously again with advice… I just found this out and am processing what he said. Am I correct that this is all highly emotionally manipulative?”- yes, you are correct.
Remember that he told you to not let words control you, referring at the time to the c-word that he used? Well, I say: do not let ANY of his words control you, don’t take them in and do not process them. Instead, substitute them with the above mentioned blah blah blah.
anita
December 12, 2023 at 9:57 am in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #426016anitaParticipantAnd I hope that you and your roommate soon recover from Covid!
anita
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