Dear Stacy:

You are welcome, I am glad you liked the poem!

 “I saw he was capable and willing to meet my needs and expectations from the get-go“- I think that this was a false belief on your part, and that in reality he was not capable of meeting your needs, not from the get go, and not at any time during the relationship (or after).

Think of it: you thought he was capable from the get-go.. before really getting to know him. To me, it means that you were so desperate (then and still) to get your needs met(a need for self-esteem, for one) that you only imagined that he was capable.

“until something changed his mind about us. Knowing SOMETHING changed feels personal as he was super into us before. And this is why I do feel I was too much for him“- whatever changed in his mind, in reality, is not the difference between your needs being met AND your needs not being met. But for as long as you (falsely) believe that he was capable of what he was not capable of, the fact that he changed his mind feels .. catastrophic, and (using the first words of the title of your thread) “Extremely painful“.

“So you’re saying that even if I finally got with someone who was a healthy fit for me, it still wouldn’t work out until I became securely attached in myself?“-

– not exactly: a man who is a healthy fit for you (a man capable in his own life) could have helped you in your mission and overall journey to become securely attached in yourself (using your words). But your ex-boyfriend was not a healthy fit for you because he was not capable in his own life: he lived with his parents, didn’t have plans to move out, didn’t have a formal education or a career, made money mostly by dog sitting, and his interest has become an online influencer (not in getting an education, not in starting a career).

There is nothing about what you shared about him in your 7-page thread that makes me think that he was capable of helping you in any way. I think that his words at times made you feel very good, but that good feeling didn’t last and couldn’t last.

“I keep getting reminded lately of when he admitted to me early on that he was struggling about his ex…  He said he felt anger and shame for being cheated on“-

– On Sept 6, in your original post, you wrote: “He has never had a real relationship/girlfriend until me, all his others were failed situationships and hookups“- I didn’t know there was such a thing as cheating in the situationship or hookup that he had with this particular woman you refer to as his ex.

“Yet when he broke up with ME, he was indifferent and wouldn’t even allow me to fight for us. There was no fight for us or passion or pain in losing me that night and since then in him. I see he’s capable of feeling pain and loss for people as he showed me with his ex. Does this mean he actually didn’t feel strongly towards me in the first place like he did her as I feared all along?“-

– I think that you view him as a much deeper, contemplative man than he really is. It is you, Stacy, who thinks and feels a lot. He doesn’t. After all, you shared that he is on “ADHD and depression meds” (original post) and both the mental disorders and the meds’ side effects affect a person’s cognitive abilities, including the ability to keep a thought in the mind for long.

“I’m bitter that I wasn’t fought for but someone he didn’t even get to date over the span of two months who cheated on him can cause him so much distress“-

– (1) I don’t think that he experienced as much distress, or for long, that you think he experienced over the other woman. (2) He didn’t fight for her either: “he written her a long and scathing good riddance paragraph,.. and that he realized it was pointless so he just deleted the paragraph instead and blocked her“- no fighting there.

“hoping that maybe it wasn’t that I was too much for him or anything I did to cause him to bail, but that he really isn’t equipped or willing to show up for anyone“- I think it’s  both: he isn’t equipped to have a healthy relationship and you were too much for him. ANY WOMAN would be too much for him because he isn’t more equipped to have a healthy relationship than he is to lead a healthy, independent life overall.

“I do hope to find power in my heart and the power to carry on because every single day is such a struggle to have any hope“-

– The poet Emily Dickinson, in her poem HOPE uses the metaphor of “Hope” being likened unto a bird that does not disappear when it encounters hardships or “storms”. Here is the first public version of the poem:

“‘Hope’ is the thing with feathers- That perches in the soul,- And sings the tune without the words,- And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the Gale is heard;- And sore must be the storm- That could abash the little bird- That kept so many warm.

I ‘ve heard it in the chillest land,- And on the strangest sea; Yet, never, in extremity,- It asked a crumb of me”

anita

Dear Mr. Ritz:

Welcome back, good to read from you again!

“I still want to find the root cause of my anxiety if possible“- what about what we discussed May 2016- Dec 2022 in your previous six threads, in regard to the cause root of your anxiety?

anita

* I quoted the same sentence twice in the paragraph above the poem.. my mistake.

Dear Tim:

You are very welcome.

“how does one go about guarding your heart in such a situation? I have this guarded optimism that I’m trying to hold in check… I vacillate between the two and it’s hard to get to that middle ground”-

– the answer is in the poem I quoted above: “in our heart lies power so bold… We must stand tall and face the fear, with a courage… We must break free from fear’s grip, and not let it hold us down with its whip… So let us all rise above the fear and show the world what we hold dear… So let us all stand tall“-

– back to your question: “how does one go about guarding your heart in such a situation?”- by adopting a new attitude: not that of guarding your heart, but the opposite. The guarding of the heart in itself is keeping the fear in it. Do this exercise, if you will: stand up hunched over, with the shoulders turned inward as in guarding your heart. This is the position that maintains fear, keeping the fear in the heart. Next, stand tall with your shoulders straight (not at all rounded), your head held high, this is the position of power, of allowing the fear to exit your heart.

It is the sense of power, of standing up to fear, that defeats fear.

Youn can do one or more of the chest opener exercises. A simple one is standing straight with both your arms stretched to the sides, parallel to the ground, in a way that opens your chest/ heart, pushing your chest forward. Hold this position for a moment or two, feeling it, feeling the power in exposing your heart (vs hiding/ guarding it).

Back to part of your question: “I have this guarded optimism that I’m trying to hold in check… I vacillate between the two and it’s hard to get to that middle ground“- don’t guard your optimism, don’t hold it in check, don’t vacillate, don’t seek the middle ground. Instead: commit to the physical and mental position of power. But there is a catch: your power is NOT about what your wife will do, what she will choose to do. Your power is about you standing tall no matter what she chooses.

Your power needs to not depend on her.

anita

Dear Mercury:

(I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes): “He is the most loving person I’ve ever met. He loves me so much and I know that for a fact so when I finally met with him after 12 days of asking for a break and telling him I need more time… he started telling me how much he loves, how I was his only source of hope, and why he was looking forward for the future, how he wanted to marry me, how we could never love anyone else, how he’d imagined we’d last forever, how all he’s been doing was to have a good life with me, and when he said all this over and over fighting off tears…. I felt wretched! I felt so dirty and so cruel and heartless….I wanted to die“-

-Love doesn’t cause the supposed loved-one (you) to feel wretched, dirty, cruel, heartless and wanting to die. Guilt-tripping does that, not love.

Here is how a loving reaction would have sounded like, coming from him, 12 days after you asked for a break and telling him that you need more time (him saying something like this): I understand that you’ve been unhappy with me for a long time, and that it took courage on your part to ask for a break. Thank you for doing the right thing for yourself, asking for this break and for more time. I am sad to be away from you, but I will be okay. It is my job to be okay, and it is your job is to make yourself okay. If a longer break or even a breakup is what it takes for you to be okay, then that’s what it takes.

“I told my father today about it after my mom insisted about asking my father’s advice and he immediately told me to pray and repent for ruining this man’s life for dragging him into this and not seeing this to the end… He asked how I’m any different from any heathen girl. What are my reasons for wanting to leave him?”-

– this is guilt tripping coming from your father. What a shame! As far as your reasons for wanting to leave the guy: you have the right, legal and otherwise, to leave a boyfriend (with whom you have no children and no marriage) for whatever reason.

“I fear God will punish me for breaking his heart”- no wonder you fear God will punish you after your (ex?) boyfriend and your father inflicted the Guilt Tripping Punishment (GTP) on you.

“and I’m entertaining the idea of staying in the relationship anyway… I don’t know what to do“- don’t give in and volunteer to suffer further from the GTP that was unfairly and unkindly inflicted on you. It is not a sin to end a relationship with a man you are NOT married with: nowhere in the bible does it state that it’s a sin.. does it?

anita

One more thing, Seaturtle: I forgot to comment on “‘finding out that your expectations were indeed too high and regretting leaving the relationship.’“- leaving the box is not an unreasonable desire or expectation. It is not a too high of an expectation to be free.

To be free or not, should be the question, I say.

anita

I’ll resubmit, trying to fix the formatting (it may not work):

Dear Tim:

You are welcome.

“I’m still afraid of..”- here is a poem I found online. I like it. Maybe you will too. it’s called Defying the Fear:

“Fear creeps in like a thief in the night,
Stealing our courage and giving us fright,
But we must not let it take control,
For in our hearts lies a power so bold.

It whispers in our ear, trying to deceive,
Telling us we are weak, that we can’t achieve,
But we must not listen to its lies,
For within us, a fire burns bright.

We must stand tall and face the fear,
With a courage that is so rare,
For when we defy it, we grow stronger,
And our fears become a thing no longer.

We must take a step forward, then two,
And walk towards the unknown,
For the journey ahead may be tough,
But with determination, we’ve got enough.
<p data-slot-rendered-content=”true”>We must break free from fear’s grip,
And not let it hold us down with its whip,
For we are brave, we are strong,
And we have the power to carry on.</p>
We must embrace the challenges ahead,
And not let fear fill us with dread,
For when we overcome it, we’ll be proud,
And our courage will shout out loud.

So let us all rise above the fear,
And show the world what we hold dear,
For we are not defined by what we fear,
But by the bravery that we hold near.

So let us all stand tall, with grace,
And let our courage light up the place,
For we have the power to defy the fear,
And show the world that we are here.”