Dear Arden:

I am not focused enough to read and process your original post of only five minutes ago, but I wanted to let you know: I am so happy to read from you!!! I will be back you Thurs morning (Wed evening here).

anita

Dear louise:

You are welcome and no worries about the strange symbols. You are a good person and you don’t deserve to suffer from either guilt nor.. anything else. It will be okay, you’ll figure out what to do. Life is complicated isn’t it (I’ll be back to you in the morning).

anita

Dear Louise:

First, it is not the time to make long-term commitments and decisions in regard to any of the two men. Second, I think (and again, I am not focused, don’t remember everything that you shared, and will re-read and reply tomorrow), that if I was you, I would contact both men today and tell them (in separate communications, of course)  just how you feel at this time, and that you are not in the place to be there for them, and perhaps that you regret that, and.. wait for their separate responses. This might give you much needed information.

I hope you get some rest/ sleep today, and I hope that I sleep tonight (Wed., 4:32 pm here, and getting dark).

anita

Dear Louise: about your most recent post: think short-term. You need help now. Think about staying with him for just as long as you need to. Not for any particular length of time, and definitely not forever. Or, if you can get support elsewhere, somewhere warm, that can work too, maybe better. What is certain is that you need not be alone at this time. It needs to be someone safe for you, safe and supportive, whomever/ wherever it may be.

anita

Dear Louise:

I will reply further Thurs morning (it’s Wed early afternoon here, but I slept so little and so poorly last night that my thinking is very slow and getting slower). But for now, regarding  “It really feels like a crisis and in the moment I don’t know what to do“- call a  friend now, be it very early morning where you are at, call the man you’ve been in a relationship for 15 years. Let him help you, have you in his home for some time, as a friend. You need help/ social support. Can you do that, call him, that is?

anita

Dear Louise:

As I read your posts, I had this image of a girl running away from home.

“we lived together for 6 years. For the past few years I no longer felt physically attracted to my boyfriend and I didn’t want any intimacy with him, or even physical affection“- emotionally, you ran away from the home you shared with him.

“I would often spend a few months away travelling alone over the winter“- physically, you ran away from the home you shared with him.

“I met another man. We started messaging each other and this went on for months after I returned home“- emotionally, you ran away with another man.

“Long story short, I decided I wanted to leave my long term relationship and do more travelling.. and proceeded to prepare to leave our home, and go travelling with no base“- more physical running away, only this time with no home to return to.

“Once I had left and set off travelling on my own I initially felt good but after only several days I was hit by feeling terrible, distraught that I had left my home and essentially made myself homeless… I am still travelling – something I have always loved in the past – but I feel completely lost and depressed and unable to enjoy it“- generally, a child/ teenager who imagines running away from home (a place where there’s ongoing, unresolved conflict, maybe abuse, a place where he/ she feels constrained, bored and misunderstood), sometimes develops a romanticized view of running away from home, seeing it as an adventure or a path to freedom. They imagine life on the streets as exciting and free from rules, where no one can tell them what to do. This idealized view- and euphoric feelings involved-  often overlooks the harsh realities, such as the dangers, hunger, and cold they might face.

Faced with dangers, hunger, cold, they may return home and feel a combination of emotions among which is Relief (a sense of safety and comfort in being back in a familiar environment) and Guilt (Feeling ashamed for having run away and the worry they caused their loved ones).

In your case (and I understand that you are an adult), you had no home to return to, so no Relief. No Relief =>  feeling terrible, distraught… completely lost and depressed and unable to enjoy.

“I just want to be back home… I guess I have lost my mother and him in the last 6 months, probably the people I felt closest to and who brought me the most security in my life… Before we lived together I lived on my own for ten years, and I grew to really like it. For most of those years I was in the relationship with him and I liked that, living separately but seeing each other regularly. As soon as we moved in together I felt what I would say is probably a similar panic to what I feel now… The longing for freedom but then for security too. Most my adult life I have been in relationships – I think they call it a serial monogamist. But at the same time people always think I am very independent as I go away travelling a lot on my own in an adventurous way… I tend to crave excitement, especially in a relationship, and with travelling, and am easily bored“- seems to me  (and please correct me if I am wrong), that growing up in your original home was a mix bag of Comfort and Conflict. There were long periods of time when you felt trapped and bored at home, yearning for freedom and excitement. Fast forward, as most often is the case, distressing childhood experience is re-experienced in adulthood.

If I am correct, your childhood/ growing up experience of conflict, entrapment and boredom needs to be addressed and processed. I hope to read your response to my thoughts and to communicate further.

anita

Dear Louise: I hope that soon you will no longer feel lost. I will reply further Wed morning (Tues evening here).

anita