Dear Sarika:

About your father: “He.. eroded my self-confidence through constant insults and humiliation… manage my money… all while maintaining a demeaning tone he had used since I was ten years old… controlling behavior and constant belittlement”

About your new family: “a difficult mother-in-law and three overbearing sisters-in-law…  individuals similar to my father…  my mother-in-law has mirrored his behavior. Furthermore, my husband is unwilling to support me financially in matters related to IVF”

“I am now in need of a fresh perspective and guidance on how to navigate these challenges”-

– I can’t think of any other perspective than to set yourself FREE from all of then: to no longer pursue IVF, to take control over your money and move out of your marital home; to have no contact with your father or with the individuals in your new family.

I am using the word family loosely here: family is supposed to be a place of safety, support.. a place of love. If you leave your family, you leave behind not love, but subjugation.

“Don’t know what to do” is the title of your thread. Is leaving them all possible for you, is it practically possible and is it something that you want to do?

anita

Dear Cat:

You are welcome! I hope that your job situation, whichever it will be, work out well for you.

“In all honesty, in my mind I just have a view of Springfield town from the Simpsons and a view when they go into the woods!! And visualise a forest. You are a person of many mysteries!!“- it is a forest with many elk, deer, mountain lions, and more.. the mountain lions are scary, didn’t see one in-person yet.

“I made a decision recently to go ‘straight edge’ which means no drinking/ drugs etc. Not that I was doing any of that regularly at all but it’s just another way for me to stay focused on trying to achieve my goals“- wow! That’s impressive… in that Springfield town from the Simpsons that you mentioned.. everyone drinks, so it seems. And the price for it is often very high…

“It’s sad that your mum thought that… I’m guessing she was delusional? I think there was alot of delusion with my parents too, sadly“- delusional or angry (saying whatever with no regard to whether it’s true or not) or both.

“I have matured a lot..“- your maturity is evident!

“I didn’t feel like I had anyone to reach out to so I wanted to find somewhere where I knew there would be the right people who were kind and accepting who could look at my life objectively and give me a perspective that could help me – which you have done“- this is the nicest, kindest thing I read all day, thank you!

“I presumed that my thread was going to be similar to other people’s on here. Is this how you see all the people that you respond to?“- all unique, all valuable. What’s different about you than many is your strong personality: daring, courageous, in-your-face assertive (words that came quickly to my mind).. these makes you very memorable for life.

“Why did you think that I had lost respect for you? It’s difficult to keep up social communication on a forum..“- probably because you didn’t post for a long time.. and definitely because I am afraid of rejection, or being though of in negative terms.. like my mother thought about me, and rejecting me.

“Which YouTube video are you talking about?“- mostly the news, The News Hour is one program.

“Also, the other day I was going to watch a video about ‘4:44’..“- this made me smile (don’t know why.. oh yes, I do know, it reminded me of the talks we had about numbers early on, in the very beginning of your thread, and I felt nostalgic.

“The Ed situation was just, traumatizing if I’m honest. I haven’t seen someone be so…..unaware and broken in a very long time… he isn’t being a good person at the moment…His life is a mess and I got swept into it…  I have seen stories and videos and influencers online who are men who were addicts but CHOSE to get sober because they realised they had to get their life together and now they are fit, happy, healthy and devote their social media to sharing recovery stories………Rant over!”-

– that was a pleasurable Rant to read (didn’t feel like a rant to me). I guess seeing what drugs did to Ed contributed to your decision to go.. how do you call it (scrolling up)  straight edge.

“Hope you are well!“- better than some, not as good as others (always the correct answer/ response). I hope that.. you are better than most, not as good as some (the latter is the original saying). Again, a pleasure to read from you today. I understand that you are busy and about to get even busier, so I don’t expect this pleasure too often.. no pressure whatsoever on you to post. Take good straight-edge care of yourself!

anita

Dear Andromeda:

You are welcome, and thank you for having space in your heart at this time of bereavement to feel empathy for me.

“Today I sat with my sister – my Nephews mother –  I managed to put my own pain aside and tried to comfort her. I told her about my vision of the light, she asked me to describe it, but it was hard to put in to words; it was as though he was the centre and the light radiated from him, like the rays from a beautiful sunrise. She did take comfort in this”-

– reading and imagining your vision comforted me.

“My sister told me the last conversation that she had with her son, it was painful to hear. He was clearly distressed. He talked about growing up, how bad he had felt, not living with  his own family, etc.. he thanked my sister for all that she’d done for him, said he’d loved her. He also mentioned Diazepam”- 

– I took diazepam every day for 18 years before I finally, successfully withdrew from it. It is supposed to be prescribed on a short-term basis, I now understand (a few months at the most), because it is very addictive, but in my case it was prescribed for close to 2 decades. I wonder if he was taking it regularly at the time or was he withdrawing from it. The withdrawal from it was very, very difficult for me, almost impossible, because the anxiety while withdrawing was prolonged and more intense than the anxiety that led to me being prescribed with it to begin with.

He thanked her and said he loved her… heart breaking. I wish he was alive and well.

“It’s usually in the evenings when I go over what happened in my head, I am then overcome with a sense of terror, I’m trapped in a nightmare and I have panic attacks. I never knew that this type of pain and darkness existed – and I’ve suffered depressive episodes and Suicide thoughts, this is far worse. My whole family are devastated and that is also hard to witness.

“I want to be stronger to enable myself to help them. I am angry and ashamed with myself that I wasn’t stronger over these past few years. I could’ve made a difference. I have lost myself, withdrawn from people, suffer social anxiety. I thought I had nothing to give”-

-it is prolonged shame and anger at oneself that saps the strength out of a person, rendering one with nothing to give. I am guessing that this weakening of your strength by shame and anger-at-yourself started happening long ago, causing the depressive episodes and Suicide thoughts that you mentioned…?

No requirement that you answer this question, of course, or any question I ask. I know from my personal experience how much shame and anger at myself took out of me.. it was exhausting. As a teenager I used to lie down most of the time.. too weak or tired to do anything. Most of my life I thought I was lazy.. didn’t know I was exhausted by emotional misery (an exhausting mix of fear, guilt, shame, and anger).

anita

* You are welcome, Judy, looking forward to read from you again.

Dear Gavin:

You are welcome. I hope that this worst emotional pain will lessen and lessen over time.

“I am trying to come to terms with what I did and why. The therapist is helping me and also came to the same conclusions that I must have had serious trauma in childhood to cause me to act the way that I did … I think a lot of the points you make are valid about my childhood, which have shaped me as an adult. My childhood wasn’t a happy experience, with parents constantly fighting, doors being slammed and general unhappiness”-

–  We forget how we felt as young children. Young children feel very intensely and hurt (as well as the anger that often follows hurt and fear) feels raw and acute. Imagine that your current emotional pain is not “the worst emotional pain (you) have ever experienced“, that it hurt worse, when you were a child, seeing and hearing your parents fighting, slamming doors etc., day in and day out.

It is the child, the boy that you were, whose intense anger hurt your ex- and yourself. But the boy was not a bad boy.. no, he was a good boy stuck in bad circumstances, such that hurt and scared him too much, more than he was able to endure.

“… After so many months my pain, guilt and suffering do not seem to be abating. I have just learned/confirmed that my ex is now seeing someone and appears to be in love. I am happy for her, but I am totally devastated. The suffering goes on and on.”-

– look in, see the boy that is still very much a part of you. He needs your empathetic attention; he needs to be seen and heard. He wasn’t heard in the midst of slamming doors and noise. Hear him now, let him tell you (or your therapist.. or here) what he didn’t yet get a chance to tell. And listen to him with care.

It will make him/ you feel better, much better.

anita

Dear Stacy:

I am sorry that you’ve been feeling sick lately and that you feel that you are regressing as far as your emotional health goes. I don’t want to overwhelm you, or exhaust you with yet another long, intense reply, so when I am back to you tomorrow morning, I will submit a shorter, lighter reply. Please rest best you can.

anita

Dear Andromeda:

Good reading back from you, and I hope that Judy will soon read your reply as well.

You did a good job comforting your sister!

It is Tues late afternoon here and I want to reply further to you when I am more focused and not as tired as I am now, so I will get back to you Wed morning. I hope that you have a restful night.. You deserve rest and peace of mind.

anita

Dear Gavin:

” I want someone to learn from my mistakes and make their lives better… * You should always try and look at every situation with calm clarity and perspective… Look at the bigger picture and don’t just act on pure and raw emotion or think of the short term, as I did.

“* Think what’s at stake… * Be careful where you get your advice from… *.. go and see a therapist..

“* Do not take anyone for granted… Savour every moment and always give your best.”-

– I copied and boldfaced parts of your advice and recommendations because it’s all very good advice, I believe, worthy of being repeated and boldfaced.

Thank you for caring to share your difficult experience so to help other people learn from your mistakes, so that they may not end up with your pain and your regret.

“I hope someone can give advice on this or take from it what you will… Please be kind though“-  I hope that soon enough you will no longer suffer like you do.

I want to understand better, so I ask/ check with you:

-“I… could bolt off back to my own house at the slightest provocation“- I am guessing that growing up provoked, really provoked,  perhaps by a parent, you had nowhere to go. Fast forward, as an adult, when you felt provoked, you felt very provoked, and since you did have somewhere to go.. you went there. Am I guessing correctly?

(In the following I will be adding the boldface feature, sometimes selectively, for emphasis purposes:)

“We got into a minor argument during the latter part of the weekend, which resulted in me storming off (I know, very childish and stupid), and then continued via messaging and ran over the course of the next few weeks. Then it escalated into something that I lost control over… She sent me messages pleading with me, and I ignored her. I knew in the back of my mind that I would live to regret my actions, but I was just on a completely different planet as if something had taken over me“-

– that something that took over you was your childhood experience invading your adult experience and taking over; the completely different planet = your childhood re-experienced in adulthood..?

The minor argument with her awakened a major argument/ major conflict, and you reacted- not to the argument with her-  but to that other major conflict by storming off, etc., a reaction that would have been appropriate to the situation long ago (if you were able to storm out, etc., back then), but inappropriate/ an over-reaction to the real-life argument with her…?

“She was the best thing that ever happened to me. She was my future and the love of my life. I was so dammed lucky to have met her”-

– she was the best thing that happened to you, but you were dammed unlucky to have had someone else from your past (childhood) in your life, someone who was..  the worst thing that happened to you? 

Inaccurately projecting one’s difficult childhood experience into one’s adult experience is so very common.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“In high school… I was ignored, they would stop whispering once I came over, they would not pass the ball to me even if I was part of the play…They made me feel awkward and I was UNSEEN completely. Then I would go home to my dad who also could not see me”- this was a painful experience for you, quite traumatic for a teenager to be excluded socially. I am sorry that you went through this.

“I needed therapy, being unseen is, I believe, genuinely dangerous.“- what an original, powerful way to put it. And you are right.. the violent things that some people do after being unseen for too long.

“What makes it all worse is I had no idea they thought I ‘tattled,’ I had no idea why they went from friends to bullies… This makes me feel validated that they were not helpful replies. I came here to feel seen and those responses made me feel the opposite, but I didn’t know why and thought maybe my concerns were too minuscule to be acknowledged”-

– you didn’t know why..  I always want to know the why-s: it helps to know:

In your chosen title of your first thread, you asked for help: “Please help me“, and you added in the title: “my mind hasn’t rested in 8 months“. You assertively and clearly stated what you needed and wanted: help so that your tired mind can rest. Instead, you received condemnation, you were accused of being selfish, greedy, unappreciative and unreasonable (accusations that were not true):  “It appears that you have met a gentle kind man…  Yet this is not enough for you. you want to have your sense of self also massaged & pampered by him. Maybe you could swap him for someone who alternates between shallowly love bombing you and ghosting you!… No-one person can fulfill all our different needs all of the time..!“- my goodness, for crying out loud … Basically, you were bullied on your first thread.

Why? Because the person replying to you jumped to conclusions, that is assumed things about you without supportive evidence, and feeling angry at you.. expressed it clearly, never to reconsider, revisit the thread (within a reasonable time) and apologize. I have never, in all of the .. about 8 years on tiny buddha, commented on the replies of others, but if I was a participant at the time, I should have- would have- I hope (!)  stood up for you and against your (thread) bully.

At the same time, I need to hold myself accountable for what I would hold others accountable for: I need to do-no-harm to the people I choose to reply to: to Help, not to Harm. There are replies that I submitted in the past that I regret, and I am way more careful now- than I was before- to the principle of do no harm.

“Can two insecure parents raise a secure child?“- I don’t think so. But I’d say that two insecure parents can do their best to limit the physical and verbal expressions of their insecurity.

“Being insecure is a place I really do not like to be, my ground literally shakes and I feel paralyzed in my abilities to decide and even socialize. I want to be secure, and I know there will always be doses of insecurity in life but I do wish I was more sure of myself than I am right now”- it takes a village, like the saying goes. Let’s help each other best we can to feel more secure… in the insecure world we live in.

“My dad came to where I live this weekend because he had a golf tournament with some friends… This weekend I only got a small hour or so with him alone and in that small time he got teary eyed again, I could tell he was trying to hide it, and he told me he was proud of me. He genuinely asked me questions about myself while actually genuinely listening, I feel he may be beginning to see me… I think he is beginning to unsee what he thought of me that I was selfish and egocentric. Does this all mean he is growing up from a narcissistic development stage of childhood?”-

-I don’t know for sure, of course. I know what it took for me to change and care about other people: lots of attention, introspection, effort.. work over time, way more than a moment of having teary eyes. In regard to him asking you questions and genuinely listening: notice that you saw him only for a small hour during what I imagine was a relaxing weekend for him. His behavior during that one hour, in those circumstances (a golf tournament with friends) is not an indication of how he’d behave in normal circumstances on the long-run. Also, if as part of his job, let’s say, he has experience in asking questions and listening (and appearing to be empathetic while listening).. he may have extended that skill to you, for the length of that one hour.

“I still though have a fear he will revert back and see me how he did up till a year ago“- if he is indeed stuck in an early childhood development stage and he didn’t have extended psychotherapy and he didn’t sincerely and thoroughly apologize to you, his daughter, for his misdeeds then I would, if I was you, expect him to continue to be who he’s been,

“How do I undo this trauma response? Is it simply how you would end a bad habit by forcing yourself to not give in until the reaction/impulse is gone?“- yes (except that it’s not simple): behave in a different, new way in spite of the impulse, or compulsion to act the old way. It takes practice and a gentle, realistic attitude: lessening and enduring emotional discomfort and not expecting perfect execution or linear progress.

“As I briefly brought up my partner’s mom giving him the silent treatment and withholding affection, I thought it may help to shed some light on what I know about him. He told me his mom would do this and that she made him feel like a bad kid morally as he grew up. She being very Christian made him feel this way…  He said he felt he had to constantly tell his mom he was not a bad kid, but felt “UNSEEN” by her, and still does…  My partner said his dad would emotionally dump on him and he felt like his therapist growing up”-

– My input: clearly he needs you to not (1) give him the silent treatment, or in any way suggest to him that he is a bad person (like his mother did and maybe still does), (2)  emotionally dump on him (like his father did and maybe still does).

Seems like your emotional problems within the relationship motivate him to stay in the relationship because of his compulsion perhaps to act like his mother’s=> his partner’s therapist.

Having read about how often you get distressed in his presence, feeling relief when not in his presence and contemplating breaking up with him, I think that taking an actual break (not a breakup) for long-enough will take care of your current heightened distress level and will open your heart and mind to feeling way better about him and about yourself.

You can’t solve problems when under heightened distress- except for the quick and relatively easy, short-term solution of breaking up with him. A solution I imagine that you will regret on the long-term. You need your distress level- over days and weeks- to get lower first, so that you can think clearly and come up with reasonable, effective long-term solutions.

anita