Somehow the original post disappeared. I am resubmitting it here:

There is a common belief that suffering from childhood abuse is a choice—that an adult either decides to “hold onto it” OR “move on” and “let go.” Some see prolonged emotional pain as a failure of resilience or strength, assuming that healing is simply a matter of willpower.

Why this belief exists:

* Lack of Understanding of Trauma – Many people don’t realize how deeply childhood abuse affects the brain, body, and emotions, often for a lifetime. Trauma isn’t just a memory—it’s wired into the nervous system, shaping a person’s emotional responses, relationships, and sense of self. It cannot simply be “let go of” by deciding to do so.

* Societal Narratives About Strength – “Moving on” is often glorified as proof of strength, while struggling with pain is wrongly viewed as weakness. In reality, working through trauma is an ongoing process—not a switch to flip off.

* Discomfort with Emotional Depth – People who haven’t experienced deep trauma may not understand its lasting effects. They may feel frustrated or helpless when someone continues to suffer, leading them to judge rather than empathize.

The reality of healing:

* Healing is not a choice—it’s a process. Trauma creates neurological and psychological wounds that cannot be erased with pure effort.

* Telling someone they “choose” to suffer dismisses their reality and can make them feel shame for struggling with pain that wasn’t their fault to begin with.

* Blaming survivors deepens their pain and often prolongs their suffering—empathy supports healing far more than judgment ever could.

* Trauma recovery is complex. Some wounds resurface even after years of therapy, and healing is never linear—it requires time, safety, and sometimes professional support.
Reframing the Narrative:

* Survivors do not “choose” to stay stuck. More often than not, they are working incredibly hard to heal, even if it isn’t visible to others.

* Acknowledging the impact of trauma does not mean someone is “dwelling” or “refusing to move on”—it means they are recognizing their pain so they can heal from it.

* Healing happens at its own pace—not on a timeline set by others who don’t fully understand the experience.

* Healing is not about flipping a switch—it’s about rewiring old wounds, creating safety, and finding stability in new ways.
How to Respond to Misguided Beliefs:

*If someone says, “You’re choosing to suffer,” reframe: “I’m working through layers of healing, and that takes time.”

* Trauma is not a reflection of weakness—struggling with it does not mean you’ve failed.

* Strength isn’t about “getting over it” quickly—it’s about continuing to show up for yourself, even when healing feels messy.

* If someone minimizes your pain, it’s okay to distance yourself or assert your needs: “I need support, not judgment. My healing is valid.”

* Surrounding yourself with people who respect your journey is crucial.

Letting Go, what it really means:

* Letting go isn’t about erasing trauma—it’s about learning to live with it in a way that doesn’t control you. Instead of trying to force healing, ask:

“How can I create safety, self-compassion, and peace within myself today?”

** Your healing belongs to you—not to those who tell you how quickly you should move on or what suffering “should” look like. You are already moving forward simply by acknowledging your wounds and working to understand them 💙

anita

Dear Alessa:

Thank you for trusting me with this question. ❤️

I could have written what you shared myself: “My instinctive bond with my biological mother was damaged to the point that I no longer felt it toward her. I learned to not come to her for any reason and avoid her as much as possible. As a young teen, I began to hate her.”- Same here.

It was only recently, through my writings on tiny buddha, that I reconnected with the love I had for her before the Damage (I’m emphasizing your word “damaged” with a capital D). It truly surprised me.

Not only did I rediscover the love I had for her before the Damage, but I realized that I loved her all along. Before, during, and after the Damage, that love remained, even though I thought for years that I hated her.

For me, the Damage was the Betrayal—the betrayal of a child’s natural, necessary trust in the mother. The shock of it, the raw trauma of realizing I was not safe in her hands. It must have been overwhelming.

Yet, the love I feel for her now does not mean trust. It does not mean there is a bond. It does not mean the anger is gone. This love is not even something I chose—it simply is.

Healing from this early-life Betrayal of Trust, for me, means honoring the trust others place in me. If someone trusts me, I do my best to be worthy of that trust. That realization—that honoring others’ trust matters so deeply to me—is something I’ve only fully embraced in the past few months.

When my mother betrayed my natural trust as a child, it created deep pain—an emotional rupture where safety, reliability, and connection were lost. By choosing to honor trust in my own relationships, I am learning to actively shape trust in my life. I am no longer at the mercy of someone else’s choices—I decide to be someone who is reliable and safe.

Honoring trust shifts the focus from pain to purpose—proving that despite past betrayal, I am capable of trust and connection. Caring about trust is an act of healing, growth, and self-repair.

I just remembered, Alessa—long ago, you mentioned that you are a very loyal person, and those words stayed with me. Now, I find myself wondering—are you loyal to yourself? Do you honor the trust that little-girl Alessa placed in grown-up Alessa?

I’m asking myself the same question. And the answer? Yes—though it’s a very recent realization for me, and it has made a huge difference. In the past, little-girl Anita was strangely silent, almost muted. But now, she speaks from time to time, offering me valuable insights that I could never find anywhere else.

Being loyal to myself is a new journey—one that is still unfolding. It means respecting my own needs and feelings rather than ignoring them, standing up for myself, keeping promises to myself, being honest with myself, choosing what’s best for me instead of just pleasing others, and ultimately, supporting myself no matter what.

Looking back at your post, you said to me, “Stay true to yourself! You are the expert in your own needs.”-

Where do you feel you are right now, in terms of being true to yourself and understanding what you need? Has that awareness grown for you over time?

anita

More: wondering, curious about what might come next, the Truth:

The Truth being that we are all little boys and little girls running in the playground, wanting, needing to be Part Of- Part of the Whole.

It’s Monday night here.

What time is it where you are at?

The ISOLATION, the emotional isolation is the root of all evil- says I.

What do you say?

We are not meant to be isolated, no, not the social species that we are.

What I wrote right above is It, the root of all social ills: the isolation of a social species.

It’d be okay for turtles to be somewhat isolated.

But not for us, humans. We are genetically meant to be Together, which makes Alone very painful, unnatural.

anita

Talking about processing, here I am processing some more-

-Oh, and if you have nothing supportive to say, dear reader, don’t say anything at all. Don’t rain on my parade.

So, processing more because there is so much to process, and because I find it so meaningful, refreshing . Actually, I enjoy it. So, here I go (having no idea what I will be typing next, whatever comes to mind/ heart):

Little anita- I see her round face in a short haircut, I see her like it was only yesterday. Dark brown hair, almost black. I see her eyes, dark brown with a little hazel in it. She has no idea what’s coming.

What’s coming, what..?

She has no idea. She doesn’t know.

The adult mind now has ideas, but little girl anita- she doesn’t know.

What is it, little girl anita, tell me.. please, tell me.

little girl anita says:…

I can’t hear her.

Tell me, tell me, little girl with short black hair, tell me.

She has no words.

Tell me, show me, what is it that you feel, what is the movement within you?

Zooming in on the image of little girl.. she doesn’t know. There is this desert of not-knowing, a desert of desperate alone-ness.

She is Alone.

So, you see, this alone-girl, she doesn’t need you to tell her to get over it.

To get over what?

She doesn’t know. She figures she is irritating you, figuring that something about her is not right with you.

She doesn’t know what it is. All she knows is that she is Alone.

No one For her, No one With her.

So.. do you find it in your heart, one who is reading this, to criticize and pressure this little girl?

I know, I am an adult typing this, but the one I am typing about- is a little girl.

A little girl that was crushed in so many ways by so many of you- Society.

Do you want to further hurt this little girl?

What if you look at everyone as little girls and little boys?

Don’t hurt us no more.

And yes, I don’t want to hurt us either. Let’s be Together in this Alone world of ours. Don’t be Against me. Be For me.

I want to be For you. It’s not about it being Me Or You. It’s about being Me and You, Together.

anita