Dear Klast:

“First I must apologise for what I said about how you sound like my wife. It came across a bit mean“- interestingly, when I read  about me sounding like your wife, I found it endearing, it felt nice, not at all mean.

“I’ve been a bit stressed since seeing my therapist, being given all these labels. My BP has gone right up and my GP is getting me to do a raft of tests and scans to eliminate any other physical reasons for my high BP. He put me on medication to lower it, which has a whole raft of side effects itself. It got as high as 150 over 110!“- I am sorry that your blood pressure went up. I read (mayo clinic. org) that there are different levels of BP: Normal, Elevated, Stage 1, and Stage 2. Your reading of 150/ 110 indicates stage 2.  For stage 1, a recommendation is to talk with a healthcare professional about taking one or more BP medicines. For stage 2, the recommendation is to take more than one medicines.

“‘A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing’ because if you think the knowledge you have is all there is, things can end up going bad… knowledge could be declared not true (too scary to endure). This is when knowledge stops being factual and becomes lies, untruths. Trump likes to play around with this. Flat earthers etc…“- excellent point, especially in this era of acute disinformation and misinformation. The former president is Mr. Misinformation.. Trumformation. I will think more about the too scary to endure truths in my life.

I thought that people who believed that the earth was flat no longer existed, not since the 20th century started, and then I met a flat earther a couple of years ago, a very memorable meeting. I was bamboozled.

“My father was like this, we haven’t spoken for 20 years. I remember having a dream yelling at him ‘Shades of grey, Shades of grey!, things aren’t just black and white!’ Whereas if you are the other way you have a more colourful high resolution world view. You are more aware and accepting of its complexities both known and unknown“- profound. Seeing the world as black and white is a way to reduce anxiety, a way to feel secure, confident, not confused. Colors are delightful unless they are too bright and hurt the eyes.

I haven’t spoken to my mother for over 10 years. When she was angry at me, she went on tirades where she portrayed the world as black and white: she was all good, I was all bad.. a very bad person with bad intentions and bad.. just bad. Actually, sooner or later, she portrayed everyone as bad, and herself: as their innocent, all-good victim.

“I’ve always had this desire to explore the universe to the fullest extent I can get out of it. Just like I have always felt all the bad things that have happened to me aren’t the be all and end all. I always had this seemingly unlimited wellspring of hope coming from somewhere unknown“- INSPIRING.

“I’ve always been good with wildlife…  One time someone gave us a large wild parrot with a broken leg, we put it in a cage and fed it for three months while it stood on one leg, then one day it lowered its healed leg. After that it would follow me around like a puppy“- an endearing story!

“Of Eriksons first 7 stages I am pretty much the same as you. The last line of the forward of that link says ‘These stages, however, can be resolved successfully at a later time.’ This is what I think we have both been doing to varying degrees“- yes, we have this in common, resolving stages.. at a later time. Better later than never.

“Maybe, life’s been a bit intense recently.“- yes, better get your BP down before any new challenges. I am fine whether you choose to reply to other members or not. Either way is fine with me. I know quite a few people on BP medication which work well for them. I hope to read good news from you soon. By the way, I have an appointment for a brain scan in a couple of days.

anita

Dear Helcat:

You are welcome, and no, I didn’t feel that you minimized my experience before. You’ve been nothing but empathetic and supportive, and I very much appreciate your support.  I’ve been talking about this topic with you more than with anyone else. I will let you know what happens next (tongue is still sore, will it ever not be sore..).

I am sorry to read that things didn’t go well for you today on the relationship front. About his female friend behaving inappropriately, what comes to my mind is that you shared how he was inexperienced and did not understand flirting, you had to explain it to him (from what I remember). I am guessing that he didn’t view her behavior as inappropriate(even though it was) and therefore didn’t understand your feelings..?

anita

Dear Klast:

First link: “Dogs’ Brains Sync With Ours When We Gaze Into Their Eyes, Study Finds”- dogs are as emotionally engaged as their human owners when petted or when looking at each other’s eyes.

Second link: “Erik Erikson’s Stages of Psychosocial Development”: I remember studying this in college. For me, the Trust vs mistrust conflict of the first stage ended with distrust, the autonomy vs shame/ doubt conflict of the 2nd stage ended with big-time shame and doubt, the initiative vs guilt conflict of the 3rd stage ended with big-big time guilt and a huge deficit of initiative, the industry vs inferiority conflict of the 4th stage ended not surprisingly, with inferiority.. identity vs confusion with confusion, intimacy vs isolation with big time isolation, and generativity vs stagnation, from age 30 and onward, I’d say 20 years were definitely stagnation. So, distrustful, ashamed, doubtful, guilty, inferior, confused, isolated and stagnated describe most of my life, sadly. But there’ve been significant improvements on all fronts recently.

Thank you for the links!

“One of my dogs used to start banging on the back door in the morning, because I had just woken up in bed and hadn’t said anything to anyone about going for a walk to the beach, but somehow he knew“- dogs hearing is way more developed than humans, could it be that he heard a change in your breathing as you woke up?

“Another time I was patting two of our cows and while patting them I visualised a bolt gun at a meat works, immediately they both jumped away from me“- I can’t imagine that they could see the image in your brain.. like mind-reading. I never heard or read that cows’ behavior changes on the day they are scheduled to be killed when there is no actual evidence of what is about to happen.

“I am struggling at stage seven, trying to get out of stagnation and enter generativity. You, my wife and my therapist are helping me in small baby steps to leave stagnation behind and become more generative (helping others, contributing to society and the next generation). Stuff my life long traumas have restricted me from doing so far. Turning my issues and knowledge into wisdom to help others“- thank you for mentioning me as a positive in your life (to whatever extent). I am glad that you are on the right path: from stagnation to generativity, turning your issues and knowledge into wisdom so to help others.. and that your therapist doesn’t want to see you for a month!

It’s been slow in the forums recently, but this is a place where you can try to help others by replying to other members who ask for help..?

anita

Dear Helcat:

Thank you for your empathy and understanding. My tongue is still sore and talking keeps it sore. Good choice on your part to walk out and reschedule following an experience with a dentist whose hands were shaking.

“I wonder if you could bring music or something to distract you for your next appointment? Or were you doing something like that already?“- they do have music playing, and usually, the window is open and you can watch squirrels running around, but this time, with cloth in my mouth for too long.. I wasn’t even aware of the music.

“I hope that the next one goes more smoothly!“- I received a prescription for valium to take before the next appointment, but I am scared nonetheless.

“It is so kind of you to write to people when you have a busy life. ❤️”- ❤️back to you!

“Thank you for your kind wishes! Agreed, calm is so much better than the alternative“- you are welcome and indeed calm is better.

“Today, I found a lost dog and returned it to it’s owner. It made me think of my missing cat. A hopeful part of me thinks that it is good karma. Perhaps she will return? I don’t know. Wishful thinking maybe. I can dream“- I wish she returns to you.. that would be wonderful! And you did a wonderful thing for another pet’s owner, thank you!

anita

* I commented in that first reply

Dear Helcat:

You are welcome! Otherwise, I keep myself busy working (a volunteer kind of work) and I socialize as often as possible- this works best for me. For the first time in my life, I panicked during a long dental procedure and had to be re-scheduled. I am now scared of the next appointment and my tongue is bruised (1.5 days after the numbing).

Good to read that it’s been calm on the relationship front (calm works so much better than anxiety and particularly panic, see above). I hope to read soon, that your precious dog’s blood tests show continued improvement!

anita

Dear Krish:

You are always welcome. “The truth is I do love my father“- children (of any age) love their parents even when angry at them. Underneath the anger, the hurt, the disappointments.. there’s that early-life love for them. A young child looks up to her father for protection, for approval, for help, and she is eager to please this powerful (in the child’s mind) figure. She’ll do anything for his approval.

A young child deeply values a parent, seeing the parent as a god. Too often a parent does not value the child and will treat the child accordingly. You wrote two days ago: “I feel always let down by my family and always they undermine and disrespect me“- undermining and disrespecting is congruent with seeing you as less valuable, less worthy than others (less worthy than your sibling, for one).

After too many disapprovals experienced by the child (undermined, disrespected), the older child/ adolescent/ young adult gives up on seeking the parent’s approval at times (for what would be the point..?) Maybe this is why, even though your parents were not okay with the marriage proposal, you stood ground and got married anyway.

I think that in general, a better question to ask oneself in regard to a parent, or in regard to anyone (better than does he/ she love me?) is: does he/ she treat me as a worthy/ valuable person (not as less than anyone else)?

My mother felt affection for me at times, and behaved accordingly, but when she did not feel affection (when not under the influence of affection, so to speak), she treated me as if I was worthless (verbal and physical abuse). After such treatments, she was back to affection, at times, but I could not forget the less-than treatments and I could not return her affection. From one point on, I was hurt and angry at her on an ongoing basis, and I felt  guilty for feeling angry at her when she was being affectionate.

On her end, she was hurt by my anger (visible on my face). It is as if she did not understand the workings of a person (not understanding that abuse leads to hurt and anger on the part of the abused, and not only during the abuse, but after).

People of any age need respect/ to be treated as worthy individuals and not as less worthy than anyone else. It is a human need, a very real one.  I wonder what you think of my thoughts here.

Love, light and prayers back to you!

anita

Dear Krish:

“I had a toxic father… My sibling was always the favourite… I moved away from them as I am starting a new course in a foreign country. But still my dad says that my sibling is my saviour… my self respect makes me feel that I should renounce the property for good and get estranged from my father and sibling though they support me… I am happy being single the rest of my life and also am not a materialistic person and I want to lead my life in peace . I don’t have dependents and am a minimalist… please suggest me what should I do to ensure am at peace. I don’t want to rely on them not even for a single penny.“-

– there is a saying, “With friends like these, who needs enemies?”. I am expanding this saying to With family like these, who needs enemies?

I would say: do estrange yourself from people who are poison in your life, no matter their relation, including a poisonous/ toxic father and a toxic sibling. To endure poison because of the hope of inheriting property in the future, particularly when you have no dependents to take care of,  is not a good idea.

You say that your father and brother currently support you financially. If I was in your place, I’d see to it that I can survive financially without their financial support before ending contact.

Personally, I ended all contact with my mother for over 10 years.

anita