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anitaParticipantContinued:
The desert in the heart. You know those pictures of a red, vibrating heart? There are emojis of it. Well, imagine an emoji of a yellow heart, or a grey, dying heart. Isn’t this a (sadly) appropriate emoji for so much of the human experience as-is?
Without feeling like you are liked by others, without feeling appreciated by others, without feeling that you are valued positively, the heart wilts.
When the heart wilts, when it starts to die- while officially alive- that’s when anger turns to rage, sadness to depression, gentleness to harshness, valid needs.. to violence.
There is nothing more important than bringing life back to our hearts and to the hearts of others. Life to the heart means the experience of belonging to the center-stage of humanity: the experience of being as important, as valuable as any other human. The experience of Togetherness with others. The experience of being liked, genuinely liked and trusted. There is no better experience and no other hope for a better world.
anita
anitaParticipantMore to Peter: in your most recent post (now an hour and 40 minutes ago), you expressed that sometimes you rely on strong emotions like fear, anger, and hate to take action, noting that these strong emotions provide a boost of energy, and you acknowledged the difficulty of maintaining compassion when these strong emotions take over.
During my personal Awakening of recent, the feelings of belonging with other people, of being liked by some, that togetherness- it’s a very strong emotional experience which makes a huge difference in regard to fear and anger. Without the belonging, these other emotions have nothing to tame them. Without belonging, without togetherness, these other emotions take over like wildfire.
I think that the word Love has been overused, and it may have lost meaning. Belonging, being a part of is, or could be more accurate.
anita
anitaParticipantcorrection: the music playing was trance-like
anitaParticipantDear Peter:
On your first of three threads, titled “Do We Change”, you shared and asked the following on June 5-6, 2016: “no matter how much things change everything stays the same…I thought about it. I’ve changed jobs, friends, locations, thinking, beliefs… I’ve done a lot of changing, but have I changed. My answer like the phycologist was no… Anyway, I’m interested in hearing about other people’s experience of change. Do we Change?”
You started your second thread titled “Disappointed”, on Nov 9, 2016, with: “I no longer believe in love or change.”
On Nov 14, 2016, you asked no one in particular: “So what is change? Everything changes but stays the same”. You ended your original post there with: “I’m a hamster on a wheel going nowhere because there is no ‘where’ to go. Love is just a joke.” On the same day, referring to the 2016 US elections results, you asked: “To “make America Great Again” is that a change or a regression?”
Eight years later, following the recent elections results, you wrote on Nov 29, 2024, in your third thread “Blank Canvas”: “I find recent events troubling and having me questioning my reality”, referring I believe to the recent elections results (Trump 2nd win, 1st being the 2016). You posted your meditation poem on that day, which read in part: “All Life arises from and returns to Love. It is, we are, I am… Love.”
* After I typed the above, I noticed, Peter, that you just submitted a new post 22 minutes ago in Jana’s thread (I will soon be putting everything I quoted above together soon, best I can). In this post, you expressed that sometimes you rely on strong emotions like fear, anger, and hate to take action. When these emotions take over, compassion disappears, and the focus shifts to “getting even” or being right. You note that strong emotions like anger and fear provide a boost of energy. However, you question if relying on the energy from these emotions is the right approach. You realize that you can harness the energy from strong emotions without becoming those emotions. You can act from a place of compassion while holding someone accountable or protecting yourself. In this post, you highlight the struggle to balance the need to take action with the desire to remain compassionate. You acknowledge the difficulty of maintaining compassion when strong emotions take over.
Your insight that you can use the energy from strong emotions without becoming those emotions is profound. It suggests a higher level of self-awareness and control, allowing you to act from a place of compassion rather than reactive anger or fear. Your honesty about relying on strong emotions like anger and fear to take action is refreshing.
Your repeated questioning of change and the dismissal of love as a joke point to a profound disillusionment. This cynicism may stem from repeated disappointments or unmet expectations in various aspects of life. The feeling that everything remains the same despite external changes suggests a deeper struggle with finding meaningful or lasting personal growth. The analogy of the hamster wheel evokes an existential crisis, where you feel stuck in a cycle without purpose or direction, leading to a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. It reads like you’ve been grappling with these questions for a long time, and it’s clear that this has been a significant source of contemplation for you.
It’s understandable to feel disillusioned when it seems like no matter how much changes externally, the core experience feels the same. The metaphor of being a “hamster on a wheel” really captures that sense of going through the motions without finding meaningful progress.
Even though you express a lack of belief in change, your curiosity about others’ experiences suggests that you are still seeking understanding and perhaps hope. Thank you for opening up about these thoughts. It’s a tough journey, but your willingness to explore these ideas is a testament to your depth of character.
As to putting it all together, I will do it in the humblest way: I will share about my experience, the parts of it that I believe parallel yours. Of course, it’s for you to decide if it resonates with you, in parts, at the least. I will share from the heart:
Decades of my life were like that video I saw, which resonated: a black-and-white video, grey mostly, a man (I always felt more like a man than a woman) walking, walking different cities and country areas in the US, walking and walking, and the music playing was trace-like. You can see he is in different cities, but all the places he is walking through are grey, no distinction. It is clear that in his heart, the man walking feels- as he walks through changing sceneries and changing times (he is seen as a boy, and then an adult)- that he feels the SAME, no changes. And he keeps walking on the sidelines, not being part of anything that might be happening in the center of things. And throughout the video, although he keeps walking and walking, he is not getting anywhere.
This has been my Story for decades. No matter what country I was in, how young or older I was, walking on deserted roads or walking to the bottom of the Eifel Tower, my internal experience was the same: grey, no colors, walking and going nowhere.
More than half a century of the above experience (there were breaks from greyness, temporary emotional bright color breaks that never took hold (the depressed brain has to have euphoric breaks, a chemistry thing), finally, eventually, unbelievably (I had NO idea), I experienced something different.
Color entered my life. Not psychedelic colors (those temp., chemical breaks the brain takes because it has to), but real color. OH, THE RELIEF.
I had no idea.
And I don’t know how to explain it here, particularly because I am not going cerebral, So, I hope you have patience with me, as I myself don’t know what I will be typing next.
(I am pushing away cerebral thoughts that are pushing their way into this post, staying with the heart): yes, here it is: it’s the Belonging Factor (I see, a bit cerebral here). Okay, so, it’s the ISOLATION within and without that made my life consistently grey/ the same. The feeling of being terribly ALONE.
This is it, that’s all there is to the core experience of stagnation, alone-ness, loneliness, acute loneliness, being on the sidelines, not a part of.
No matter who the president of the US, no matter (most) external circumstances, if a human being feels ALONE consistently, long-term, the human being is sick, and there is no other way back to health than truly connecting, simply, deeply connecting with another human being.
Oh, the feeling that another human being truly likes me, truly, really.. likes me- that’s a burst of enduring color into the greyness.
In the last 10 years, gradually, increasingly, most recently, I felt being a part of humanity, and I don’t mean cerebrally, as in ideas, but really, deeply, emotionally. but simply, being a part of, belonging.
If I was reading the above words years ago, I wouldn’t have understood. It’s an emotional, visceral experience that you don’t know by reading about it. You know it by experiencing it and by nothing that is less than the experience itself.
In your meditation poem last month, you wrote: “All Life arises from and returns to Love. It is, we are, I am… Love.”- love is not helpful when it’s an idea. It’s Everything when it is simply experienced, as in you looking at a face of another person and you see that the person genuinely likes you.
You see, Peter, how I expressed myself in this post? If you express yourself to me (to others?) more and more from your heart, as you already been doing more of recently, will it help you?
anita
anitaParticipantDear beni:
In your recent two posts, you highlight the challenge of staying connected to your emotions (heart) rather than retreating into your thoughts (head), so to avoid pain. You acknowledge that integration involves merging different parts of yourself, which initially feels like becoming someone else, but gradually leads to a sense of wholeness.
You expressed a lack of real-life support and shared your desire for a supportive family or community, expressing a willingness to move for such a connection but also recognizing your need to face some challenges alone. You feel grief and exhaustion from chasing dreams.
You acknowledge that both trauma and choice shape your reality, and you emphasize the importance of taking small steps in this processThank you, beni, for sharing your thoughts on integration and affirmation. It’s inspiring to see your dedication to staying connected with your emotions and facing the pain rather than retreating into your thoughts. Integration is indeed a challenging process, but it’s clear that you’re making progress, even if it’s through tiny baby steps.
Recognizing that you hold the power to affirm yourself is a significant realization. Keep taking those small steps and being gentle with yourself as you navigate this journey. You’re doing great, and your efforts will continue to bring you closer to a sense of wholeness.
Also, it’s wonderful that you have a psychologist who understands spirituality to support you. I can relate to the challenges of finding someone in real life who truly has the space and interest in your journey. The combination of trauma, choice, and luck in shaping our lives can be overwhelming, but being aware of these factors is a powerful insight.
Your desire for connection and the grief you feel about chasing dreams resonate deeply. It’s okay to feel tired and to acknowledge the need for both external support and internal growth. Remember that you’re not alone in this journey, even when you feel that you are alone.
Sending you strength and understanding,
anita
anitaParticipantHello all:
Compassion (karuṇā) and loving-kindness (mettā) are central tenets of Buddhism. These virtues are meant to be extended to all beings, even those who cause harm. The teachings encourage practitioners to cultivate these qualities universally, without discrimination. The teachings aim at transforming the practitioner’s inner state, fostering a mindset where compassion becomes a natural response. This process takes time and practice.
The ideal of extending compassion to torturers is more about guiding one’s intentions and inner state than about expecting literal application in all situations (such as.. feeding/ helping a torturer to torture others out of compassion for the torturer).
Buddhism also recognizes the importance of boundaries and self-care. It’s essential to protect oneself from harm and not to enable abusive behavior. Tara Anand, a Buddhist and illustrator and visual artist from Bombay, India, currently based in New York City, in her article titled “Is an Aspiring Bodhisattva Allowed to Have Boundaries?” published in Tricycle, wrote: “Without healthy boundaries to enable self-preservation and allow self-care, it may be difficult to cultivate the steady stream of energy that is required to walk the path.”
Buddhability on Setting Boundaries: “Boundaries are limits and needs you express to yourself and others in order to feel safe, healthy, and comfortable.”, “Setting boundaries is how we share with others what behavior we find acceptable and what behavior we do not.”
Self-care is crucial for sustaining the energy and compassion needed to walk the Buddhist path. It’s about protecting oneself from harm and not enabling abusive behavior under the guise of compassion.
In real-life situations, the application of compassion can vary. While the ideal is to maintain an open heart, it’s also important to consider the context and one’s capacity at the moment. It’s crucial to have realistic expectations and understand that extreme compassion is a guiding star, helping practitioners cultivate a compassionate mindset, while also acknowledging the need for self-protection and contextual adaptation.
anitaanitaParticipantContinued: following reading a member’s story told in his own words, his unique wordings, I have a fresh, new understanding of my relationship with my emotions: it has been an adversarial relationship, having treated my emotions (my not “pretty” emotions) as if they were enemy to be destroyed. I allowed no space for my emotions to breathe and tell me their valid messages.
Suppressed, constricted, suffocated, my emotions were abused. By me. An abuse originated by.. (you guessed it, if you are following my posts) by my mother who attacked, shammed, blamed and crucified my emotions.
It is my job, my responsibility now to give my emotions air to breathe, space to exist.
And to allow your emotions as well, to breathe; to allow them space, in these forums, space to exist.
What a constricted life one lives when one’s emotions are constricted.
I am sitting here this Tues afternoon, it’s getting dark although it’s not yet 4 pm. I was hoping to be around people at this time, socializing (my favorite thing to do), but it’s not to be this afternoon.
It’s windy and rainy outside, foggy and almost dark. You can hear the wind and see, through the large windows that surround me the many cedar trees moving with the wind. Movement is nature’s way; constricted, suppressed, deadened (yet not yet dead) is sickness’s way.
I feel alive these days simply for my emotions being allowed some space. Emotions, Energy in Motion, are like the wind. They must flow. Otherwise.. what happens to a constricted, blocked wind..?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Beni:
It’s so wonderful to read back from you so soon following my post! 😊 Your message brought a big smile to my face. I’m really glad that my words made you feel supported and cared for. Your childlike joy is contagious, and I’m cheering you on every step of the way.
Thank you for the big hug! Your openness and honesty make our conversations special. Keep being your amazing self!
Sending you a warm virtual hug back! 🤗
anita
anitaParticipantDear Jana:
This quote from the Buddha speaks about maintaining compassion and loving-kindness, even in the face of extreme adversity and cruelty. The idea that we should not allow hatred to take root, even when faced with unimaginable suffering, highlights the depth of Buddhist teachings on non-violence and inner peace. The emphasis is on training our minds to remain unaffected and to cultivate compassion, even towards those who harm us. This teaching challenges us to rise above our instinctual reactions and aim for a higher state of consciousness where love and compassion prevail over hatred and harm.
I want to think about it further Wed morning and get back to you. What are your thoughts on this quote? How do you think we can apply these teachings in our everyday lives?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Peter:
Thank you for sharing your reflections. It’s good to hear from you.
Your contemplation on living out your beliefs and the dance between the temporal and eternal resonates. It’s a profound journey to remain aware of both the immediate, measurable experiences of life and the eternal essence that underlies it all.
In Alan Watts’ quote, the “devil” represents our own inner fears, doubts, and self-sabotaging tendencies. When Watts says, “if you’re going to outwit the devil, it’s terribly important that you don’t give him any advance notice,” he means, as I understand it, that if you want to overcome your inner struggles/ anxiety or self-destructive habits, you shouldn’t overthink or over-plan it. If you give too much advance notice (overthinking) to your inner “devil,” you create unnecessary anxiety or resistance within yourself.
In essence, it’s about taking action without overanalyzing getting in the way. Dancing through life, as you put it, is about. carefree spontaneity.
Your metaphor of the blank canvas and the dance of forgetting the rules to truly dance is beautifully insightful. It highlights the importance of learning, integrating, and then transcending structured knowledge (the temporal) to embrace a more natural state of being, a more fluid and harmonious way of living (the eternal).
I would like to read your 2nd recent post in tomorrow morning and reply further. I hope that other members reply to you as well.
Take good care of yourself, hope you outwit the devil!
anita
anitaParticipantDear beni:
I appreciate the humor in your inappropriate reporting comment 🙂
At the end of your previous post, you asked me: “What do you think of that? Have you been through something similar?”
I can relate to the struggles you face, particularly to your very difficult relationship with your mother and the consequences of that relationship on you.
This is what you shared about your mother and the relationship with her (June 2023-July 2024): “I still do not trust her (do not open up) and make sure to keep her on distance… Yes, the word martyr fits in well… I belief she couldn’t give me space, maybe I was part of meeting her needs. Like when you ask ‘how are you’ but actually you create space to tell how you feel…my mom started crying and she was like that’s not fair and so and so…I told her then: ‘I don’t want to answer to you if you look at me like this’…I do not have space for her pain in these situations because of my own pain…I couldn’t set boundaries as a child there was no space for it…she would say I need to do something right now! And I couldn’t do it. I’d just sat and looked at her. I… needed to… understand why it was so important and needed to be done right now… I can’t take it if it’s being pushed around… I talk about a situation where I showed myself vulnerable last year… and instead of being listened to, she started with her pain cause there was a space for it… It would accumulate and then at one point cause she needed support she’d lose it in a sense that she is crying and overwhelmed…. probably her need got very urgent she could breakdown or get bossy… my mother would struggle to stand up for herself… she would be emotional, and it would not make sense in a logic way…. For sure she did abuse her powers. I can just hardly remember. I think/feel it’s something like my space. She was too close. There was not enough space for me…. I don’t think she could care much about my emotional needs…. My mom would always want to know how our day was or his day at work and we did not really wanna answer. It didn’t feel right. It was/is often a too open a question and doesn’t feel safe to reply. It’s in… When you don’t listen but project yourself on the reply, it can be painful to the replier…. By not expressing myself I protect my Mom from worrying or meet her need for control. If she makes a request and I’m not sure that it’s selfless I can’t do it. I think I can’t visit her for a while now…If I give her affection in a way I enable something I do not want to enable. I need affection from her first. It gives her allowance to be weak, but I need a strong mother. I need an anchor…. I would agree to her only being able to accept me if I meet her need. Yes, I draw a line. My body draws a line. Yes, it’s very essential, it is to maintain my Identity and my will… She gets a fierce look. As if she’s made responsible for something which is my fault…I think she believes it’s my duty as her child to support her…I think I want her to really see me and see me equal. I have the same right to choose the task as she does. It’s not really about the task it’s about control and me making a statement that I do not wish to be controlled. I want to be asked what I would like to do and what is needed. I want my support to be valued and not taken for granted…I’ve been thinking that I am dependent on her (subconscious). Cause I noticed that the things which stress her out like go traveling, working a regular job, not misusing drugs, having a girlfriend are things I struggle(d) creating for myself. It sometimes feels like that I am my mom, and myself is this thing I can’t control. And all I wish is that I would not need to care about myself. It would just do what it is supposed to do.”
I can relate, beni, to not trusting your mother, to experiencing a significant level of emotional disconnect from her, to having a need to protect yourself from her, to having a mother with a Martyr Complex, where she fulfills some of her emotional needs through her interactions with her son (or daughter), making it very difficult for the son (or daughter) to express- let alone assert- your own needs and feelings, as her needs took precedence.
I can relate to having a mother with a strong need to control and dominate. I relate to having an emotionally volatile mother, which makes it very difficult to establish a sense of personal space, and which made it very difficult for me to share anything with her for fear of an overwhelming emotional over-response.
I can relate to having a conditional and unbalanced relationship with one’s mother (as a child and as an adult), and how damaging it is. I very much relate to feeling conflicted, desiring to separate my identity from hers but struggling to do so.
I relate to the experience of (emotional) parentification, where the son or daughter takes on a caregiver role for one’s mother, fulfilling her emotional needs instead of receiving appropriate support and care from her. And I can relate to codependency, where your sense of self-worth and identity are entangled with your mother’s needs and behaviors. This dynamic made it very, very challenging for me, as an adult, let alone as a child, to assert independence and establish healthy boundaries (well, I didn’t for decades).
I relate to Emotional Enmeshment where the emotional states and needs of one person (the mother) overly influence and dominate the other person’s (the son’s, or daughter’s) emotional well-being.
I relate to the fear of abandonment, and to insecure attachment patterns where safety and security in relationships are compromised by inconsistent and intrusive behaviors on the part of the mother.
If you would like, we can further discuss the above. Overall, beni, I appreciate your openness and honesty about the struggles and victories in your journey. It’s evident that you’re growing and finding new ways to cope and thrive. Keep embracing those small steps forward. Stay strong and keep nurturing that beautiful relationship with yourself.
anita
December 17, 2024 at 7:04 am in reply to: Kicked out of the house and cut off from all my family in college – now what? #440800anitaParticipantDear Lulu:
Good to read from you again! Thank you for sharing your story and updates. I can see how much you’re going through, and it’s clear that you’re trying to navigate incredibly challenging circumstances. Your experiences and feelings are valid, and it’s important to acknowledge both the progress you’ve made and the obstacles you continue to face.
First, I want to recognize your efforts to seek therapy and work on your mental health. It’s not easy, but reaching out for professional support is a significant step. It’s great that you’re considering talking to a psychologist for a proper diagnosis to ensure you get the specific treatment you need.
Your relationship with your family, especially your mother, sounds vey complicated and painful. Losing your sister is a profound loss, and it’s understandable that both you and your mother are struggling to cope. The tension and misunderstandings between you and your mother have clearly taken a toll on both of you.
It’s also important to address the trust issues with your former therapist. Trust is crucial in any therapeutic relationship, and it’s understandable why you would feel betrayed if your confidentiality was breached. Continuing to find professional help that you feel comfortable with is essential for your healing process.
Regarding your current situation with your mother, it might be helpful to establish some clear and respectful boundaries to protect both your well-being and hers. It’s also okay to prioritize your own mental health and well-being by creating a safe space for yourself, whether that’s on campus or elsewhere.
Your anxiety about bringing your boyfriend around your family and your feelings of isolation are valid concerns. It’s important to find a balance that allows you to maintain relationships while also managing your mental health. Communicating openly with your boyfriend about your needs and boundaries can help strengthen your relationship with him.
Remember, healing takes time, and it’s okay to take things one step at a time. You’re showing a lot of resilience by reaching out and seeking support, and that’s something to be proud of.
Take care, and please continue to reach out for support whenever you need it.
anita
December 17, 2024 at 6:35 am in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #440793anitaParticipantDear Robi:
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It’s great to see you embracing changes and finding a work environment that suits you. Working from a café with your girlfriend and enjoying music sounds like a nice setup.
It’s good to read that the message resonated with you. This year has indeed been intense for many, with lots of changes and challenges. Your interest in astrology makes sense if it helps you understand your experiences better.
Focusing on your online job and finding similar opportunities reads like a smart move. Since you’re not a fan of the structured environment of schools, exploring different options where you have more control is a great idea.
The “now what” question is crucial. Knowing the root of your struggles is a big step, and now it’s about making changes that align with this new understanding. Start with small, manageable changes and build from there.
You’re on a promising path. Keep going, and I wish you all the best in your journey.
anita
P.S. Cherish the Love is a great song choice! Music can really elevate the mood.
anitaParticipantDear Zenith:
I wanted to add that the first time I read your recent message was yesterday afternoon while sitting in the car (not while driving!) I don’t use my phone to reply because it’s difficult for me and I figured I’ll do it later. But reading it, I felt that I was reading something very special, as in the best thing I ever read on the forums. It felt very special. I also felt grateful to you for caring to send this message to me. So, thank you, Zenith!
anita
anitaParticipantDear CKS: sorry for repeating this part: “However, if the behavior continues despite your request, or if it escalates, consider reporting it to a trusted adult or school authority for further support”, still it’s a good point (if I make it just one time). I hope to read back from you.
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 