Dear Melinda: I am so sorry for this Tragedy in your life, so sorry for this pain in your mind and heart. I will reply further Mon morning (it’s Sun night here).

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“What comes to mind now, is that a majorly good person is one with good intentions but doesn’t always get that across,“- good people have good intentions, but good intentions not getting across can be a failure on the part of the receiver: misunderstanding, inaccurate projections, and such.

“or that they think their intentions are good, but are missing some information and their good intentions are misguided, causing bad outcomes“- this is why it is important to ask questions and to make educated decisions, decisions on what to say/ type/ do, not based on unchecked assumptions. When you try to help a person in a particular situation, and you feel that you understand the situation, ask yourself: is there a different angle to look at the situation? Is there a bigger picture that I am not yet seeing?

“Whereas a fully good person is completely in line with their third eye, and therefore their intentions are always pure, never contaminated with bias or selfish wants. A fully good person always effects the environment neutrally or positively“- I challenge this and say: there is no such person, a fully good person, not a single one. This is a description of a saint (a fictional character, including those labeled saints by the Catholic church), or of a god that’s made in the image of a perfect human (which doesn’t exist). No one is a fully good person.

“a majorly good person can sometimes have negative effects on others and the world“- all majorly good people have negative effects on others and the world, knowingly and not knowingly. Majorly good people use plastic and then placing it in the recycle bin, they believe that they are doing the right thing.. not knowing that plastic does not get recycled and so, they are adding waste and harm to the world.

Everyone who votes in elections, adds support to politicians who have positive, but also negative effects on the world. This is why many vote for the “lesser of two evils”: they knowingly vote for a candidate who adds harm to the world.

Being a majorly good person is about minimizing harm whenever, wherever possible (not avoiding or preventing it all together, which is an impossibility).

“my dad did not treat me as if I was a good person, he was skeptic of me and I was disciplined and criticized all the time. But for K, he seems to have the same overlying issue as me, doubting his goodness, but he didn’t have a critical parent, his mom over gave praise to him to an extent to where he now wonders ‘what is real praise and what is exaggerated’“- his mother praised him, he believed her but found out- through interactions with peers/ other people- that her praise was exaggerated or untrue altogether. Examples, if she told him something like: you are the most intelligent boy in the world! Or you are the most handsome boy in the world! And then a teacher gave him a C while a dozen peers received Bs and As, or when a girl he was interested in rejected his advances and chose another boy.. then there’s dissonance in his brain, thinking something like: if I really am the most intelligent, why didn’t I get a B or an A?

“How can two different types of parents, both result in a hard time receiving praise or seeing yourself as good?“- your father criticized you, his mother built him up so that (unintentionally) he would be taken down by society.

“What is the balance of praise and constructive criticism that leads to a healthy self esteem (seeing self as good). I ask because I want to balance myself out, and I also want to raise a balanced child one day“- for example, instead of telling a child generalities like: you are the most intelligent person in the world, or the most handsome, say something specific, like: I like how you figured out this math problem, good job! Or I like your posture, how you stand with your back straight and shoulders back!

“This is where I can be thankful, and one of the ways my experience breaks away from yours… My way of life doesn’t make sense to him and he still laughs at me… ‘why would you work at a cafe you are way too over qualified’… But then he says he is glad I am happy.. which I think I believe… It’s like he doesn’t see me as bad anymore, but he sees me as something else now… not intelligent, lazy (since I am not resume building/ climbing a corporate ladder)…“- I am glad that your father no longer conducts house-cleaning-sessions or the likes of it and that he mellowed down, good thing. But his earlier messages, the you-are-a-bad-person message has not been removed from your brain just because he doesn’t repeat that message anymore. No longer hearing that message is a great relief though, and it is helpful.

“when you say the majority of your life, how long ago did you begin peeling this label off? is it off?“- it was a long process. I’d say the process began in 2011 when I attended my first quality psychotherapy. The label is off and has been off on a regular, reliable basis in the last few months. It doesn’t mean that I don’t question my words and actions in regard to the Helpful vs Harmful factor.

Dear Krish:

You are welcome, and thank you for your appreciation and kindness: you are a lovely soul yourself, and may God bless you!

(I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes): “The ex extended in-laws did visit my mother and me after I got my divorce and wanted to be friends . They sided with me in this issue and also they said that they supported me in this issue as opposed to their nephew”-

– they visited you and sided with you after the divorce was settled for their nephew’s (the perpetrator’s) full advantage. They didn’t visit you, side with you and offer their support during the abusive marriage or during the 5-year separation before the divorce, when their support could have helped the divorce conclude to your (the victim’s) favor. Their visit and offer to be friends is too convenient on their part, isn’t it..

“I do like them but will keep them in my prayers and wish well for them. I don’t want to interact with them as I didn’t get any closure for the abuse I endured and I feel it is better to move on rather than getting entangled in the past and participating in others karma“- I fully agree with you. Your responsibility is to avail yourself to as much healing as is possible for yourself. You have no responsibility whatsoever to interact with them, or to be their friend. It is kind of you to wish them well and pray for them.

“I am consulting the psychologist here for PTSD and she said that I have severe unresolved anger from the abuse I endured“- severe anger from severe abuse. Literature says that anger is highly associated with PTSD. I hope that the psychologist will help you with the anxiety, hurt and anger associated with the abuse you suffered.

Love, light and prayers back to you!

anita

Dear Seaturtle: I read parts and will attentively read, re-read and reply Sun morning.

anita

Dear Helcat: I’ve been thinking about you every day, 7 days of you not posting, thinking of posting: how are you, Helcat, what’s happening?? I will be back to you Sat morning (Fri night here)

anita

Dear Karen:

Thank you for Keep the Heid. Here’s another Scottish saying: “Be sure to taste your words afore you spit them” – Meaning: Be careful to think about what you are saying before you say it. Often we can’t take back what we say in haste or spite, so take a moment to think before you speak.

anita

Dear Clara:

You are welcome! “I often treasures honesty and directness, I do not like to guess or beat around the bush. I often think this causes more harm. It is often because the person delivering the message does not have enough mental strength/ courage to deliver the message, at the cost of the peace of the recipient. I guess this is also how she draws farther, as I often challenge her to talk/ face directly with the situations“- very well said. She lacks the mental strength and courage required to be honest and direct with people in complicated matters, matters that involve conflict or some unpleasantness. (I assume she is honest and direct when it comes to simple matters like letting the employee at the ice-cream shop know the particular ice-cream flavors she wants).

A few months after you met her for the first time, on Oct 7, 2018, you shared: “I recently got quite close with a person, we have been talking mainly on texts for a few months… she had never disclosed that she had a girlfriend”. You were very distressed at the time about her not disclosing this to you. Now I understand why she didn’t: it was a complicated matter for her, she was conflicted about it.. so she was not honest about it. She hid this major part of her personal life.

This lack of honesty and directness has been part of her before the beginning of the relationship with you. It is how she operates.

anita