Dear Sushmita:

I am using my phone because of loss of power due to storms, so this will not be a long message. About Regret, it’s a trap, and Ithink that what fuels it is self-judgment.

Try to replace self-jdgment with self-compassion, compassion for Sushmita who tried so hard and suffered too much.
🤍💫 Anita

Feelings.. The song “Feelings” come to mind:

“Feelings
Nothing more than feelings
Trying to forget my feelings of love

Teardrops
Rolling down on my face
Trying to forget my feelings of love…”

Is that how you feel.. a bit?

I didn’t know that.. now I do. I thought that you were the backing off guy (the push and pull I referred to earlier) and that she was the ..pull-only person, meaning that she wasn’t doing the pushing/ backing off part.

maybe you both do the push-pull thing.. at different times?

Dear me:

I’m not absolutely sure that I understand: “Direct? No, backs off. Open? No, backs off. Playful? Welcomes it”- you mean that you were direct and open with her, and when you were, she backed off, and the only times she didn’t back off was when you were playful..?

Seems like she has a commitment problem perhaps or she’s uncomfortable with real intimacy..?

Not that I think that you’re interested in analyzing her 😊

🤍🌿 Anita

Dear Sushmita:

You are very welcome 😊

It is not your fault that your self-esteem is low (“I feel not good enough… My self esteem seems so shaken.. I always keep putting others ahead of me… I feel inferior to even kids”), and it is not your fault that you are changeable, unpredictable, or emotionally volatile with some people (I am mercurial.. I know it is truth.. but I am not mercurial with everyone”), given the fact that you grew up in a chaotic home with parents who blamed and abused each other a lot, and then turned on you, blaming and abusing you, their only child.

On July 17, 2022, you wrote: “my parents do have issues. It’s 24/7 of fighting and blaming each other, using abusive words. But in all this chaos..”. Today you wrote: “The more I want to be at peace the more I am not at peace”-

A child carries the chaos of her childhood into adulthood. Not by choice. It’s just something that happens. It happened to me. Again, it’s not your fault.. not your choice, not your fault.

It takes an intentional healing process.. patiently, over time to calm that chaos inside and to build a higher and higher, healthy self-esteem, and these are possible for you!

On Feb 22, 2024, you wrote: “I am towards healing… I am working towards achieving my goals and bettering my life.. To anyone going through heartbreaks.. just hang in there.. you’ll get the courage to overcome. Do not fight for someone who is okay with losing you.. The world is big .. there are plenty of fishes in the sea .. but first work on yourself”-

You said it yourself back then, work on yourself, which to me means to engage in the healing process that’s available to you. Just need to be consistent, patient, to not give up when you’re feeling low and lonely.

You asked me today: “but what is the practical solution to not feeling like this..”?

First thing to do is to protect yourself from abusive people such as your parents, this guy who made fun of you and all the guys who just want to use you (“most of them just want to get me in their bed”).

Second thing to do is to elevate your self-esteem and regulate your emotions. Of course, these are easier said that done. This is why I refer to healing as a process over time which takes being consistent and patient. There are so many books and online sources on the matter.. but there’s no substitute for the inner motivation that it takes, the commitment that’s required and “the courage to overcome” (your words, above).

🤍🌿 Anita

I suppose, me. A neutral one, why not? You are aware of everything, you have clarity.