Dear Tee:

Last night I slept better and longer than I have in many months. First thing I did this morning was to check if there’s judgment in regard to the U.S. story (relieved) THANK YOU!!!

I will read and rely later.

❤️ Anita

Dear Tee:

About The Never Ending Story:

Gmork is an evil-looking wolf-like, a servant of The Nothing, tasked with hunting down Atreyu (the child warrior) to stop him from saving Fantasia.

Gmork’s key lines: “Fantasia has no boundaries. Don’t you know anything about Fantasia? It’s the world of human fantasy. Every part, every creature of it, is a piece of the dreams and hopes of mankind. Therefore, it has no boundaries.”

On why Fantasia is dying: “Because people have begun to lose their hopes and forget their dreams. So the Nothing grows stronger.”

On what the Nothing Is: “It’s the emptiness that’s left. It’s like a despair, destroying this world. And I have been trying to help it.”

In my life, my personal Gmork has been you know who.

Fantasia is my healing, and Atreyu is me trying to get Gmork off of me.

So, I flew to the U.S., stopped in London (a no cost stop) on my way to San Francisco, took the underground, came across an American in the train, he invited me for dinner in London- a city he frequented for business, importing some electrical merchandise to the U.S. (not on a large scale), went for dinner, he invited me to visit him in NYC after my visit to San Francisco.

Next, I flew to SF as scheduled, took the bus to Fresno, CA (Rosie’s other sister lived there and whom I enjoyed spending time with on their visits to Rosie), had a good time there, my first sushi experience, continued on a bus to Los Angeles, visited Disneyland, Knott’s Berry Farm and Universal Studios, had THE TIME OF MY LIFE !!! and then flew to NYC, seen Christmas for the first time in my life, and on a large NYC scale.

Next, the American small scale businessman who lived in downtown Manhattan, offered to marry me.. he said: “Marry me so that you can get a green card” And.. I assume he liked me (He was 20 years older and morbidly obese, I was in my early 20s and I suppose not unattractive.. and my tics were far less than they used to be, at that point).

I agreed and I told him about the mother and he offered- his idea, his generous offer- to fly her over to NYC .. it was the mother’s dream to be in the U.S. for the first time and witness luxury (Manhattan) she always dreamed about.

So, even though I felt wrong to marry for self-interest, I did. I married him in city hall- and later in a private party- in the presence of his mother and mine.. and for me, all hell broke loose when it all happened because- just being in her company was a torture, no matter how she behaved and feeling like a fake troubled me.. faking a wedding party.

I took her to Florida and back and after 3 weeks or so, suffering the whole time simply because her present tortured me no matter how she behaved, even at her “best”.. And then she flew back.

During her visit, and following her departure all the magic I felt in NYC was gone and I fell into despair.

I left NYC and flew to New Orleans.. for no particular reason other than hoping for a relief. An annulment followed some time later. After 5 months in New Orleans where I worked as a waitress, I flew back to .. Gmork, for 3 months.. And then back to NYC for a few days, met him, and from there to Las Vegas. I was 26 at the time.

I don’t know how you feel about my story right above. I worry there’ll be judgment..?

As to your recent post:

“I think you wanted to write ‘thank you, Tee’. You just misspelled 🙂 Not a big deal at all. But I understand that you get very anxious if you think you made some mistake which you might be judged or punished for, the same way your mother would punish you. And I can assure you I would do no such thing.”-

Thank you. It surprised me that it didn’t occur to me that it was a “thank you”. Best I figure, I saw “than you” as saying “better than you”, which would offensive. But, yes, no doubt it was a “thank you”.

“I think in those moments – when you start panicking – you might want to soothe LGA (because it’s her who is panicking) and tell her that you love her and that she did nothing wrong. And even if she made a mistake, it’s okay to make mistakes (we’re humans, we make mistakes), and that you love her nevertheless.”-

You still feel this way after my NYC story..?

“So I think self-soothing – being Ima Anita to LGA – might help you in situations like this ❤️”-

This reminds me, the other day, in a car in a sharp turn on the road, a big truck appeared and I felt a head-on collision was in the making, and the scream IMA came out of my mouth. And later I thought of telling you about it.

“Unfortunately yes, your mother was pretty disturbed, with elements of perversion in her behavior. I don’t think she was one of the sickest mothers in the world (because unfortunately there are much worse examples of what parents are able to do to their children).”- that made me feel better.. for me, not for the others who had- have it worse.

“However, what was perhaps even more insidious (and therefore, more harmful) is that she e.g. hasn’t outright sexually abused you, but she did invade your body in inappropriate ways. But you didn’t know, or weren’t sure that you were abused.

“Also, she made you call for her to wipe you after going to the toilette, which was very humiliating for you, but you didn’t know it wasn’t normal. So you obeyed.

“Another one is that she conditioned you to accept the bizarre ritual (because that’s what it seems to me) of putting on your pajamas after bathing, while you were lying down on the bed, which lasted into your puberty and adolescence as well. When the neighbor (Rosie) exclaimed that this was wrong and isn’t good for your psychological development, your mother responded, with a satisfied expression on her face, that you liked it.

“You were very scared to contradict her, and so you didn’t say anything to the neighbor. You didn’t even protest much to your mother, just moaned a little”-

Truthfully, Tee- it was horrible, the whole thing.

About agency, I was very young 20 something, before the U.S., I stopped at a market and bought red wine (hated the taste but needed relief from the-horrible. Drank it before she got “home” (the chamber of horrors) and when she showed up, I took her hands in mine and danced with her (never such a thing before), and I FELT dancing that I was the Man and she was Woman, a distinct feeling. And I clearly remember that she submissively followed my lead. At that moment, I was man, she was woman.

Which is crazy making because her aggression all along could have been neutralized simply by me taking the lead? Same as when she ran to hit me for the last time, and I took her hands in mine and extended equal force.. she withdrew.

Why didn’t I take the lead earlier on.. And after, why was I so intimidated by a person so easily subdued..???

“Your body showed signs of protest and revolt in the form of tics, when e.g. your head would involuntarily shake from left to right, as if saying NO. But she didn’t notice even that – even the most obvious signs of your distress.

“Because she didn’t want to notice it – your well-being wasn’t important to her. Her own ‘feeling good’ was what was important to her, and unfortunately she felt good when humiliating you and torturing you.

“Unfortunately, she was a very sick person, Anita, who should have received psychiatric treatment. She was definitely unfit to be a mother, but she never came to the attention of the authorities, because as you said, people didn’t want to meddle in other people’s child rearing habits.

“That neighbor, Rosie, saw that something was wrong, and challenged her that one time, but your mother nonchalantly replied that you liked it. And that was it – case closed, no questions asked.”-

When she said “she likes it”, it sounds- feels like a rapist saying post rape: “But she liked it”

“But this is what’s important: even though you didn’t visibly object to her, your body was objecting all the time, it was yelling and screaming NO!”-

Yes, it did. It still does.

“You didn’t want any of that treatment, you hated it, but you didn’t dare to express it. You were afraid of her rage, or of her killing herself and then you blaming yourself for it (because she made you believe that if she kills herself, it will be your fault).”- Yes, exactly.

“You were in an impossible situation, Anita, because you couldn’t run, even if you wanted it with every fiber of your being (or at least with a part of your being – because another part wanted to stay with her and save her). You felt trapped, but couldn’t escape. And as you said it yourself, that’s probably the cause of your tics (The trauma is caught in my muscles, the tics, every minute, every day.).”-

Again, it’s like you were there!

“I think a large part of your healing will be finding a way to express your NO, visibly, audibly, in a series of corrective exercises. But don’t rush with it. Take it easy, gently. You’re now building the foundations: self-care, being a good mother (Ima) to yourself, lots of self-compassion, but also clarity in how you see your mother. You’re not feeling pity for her anymore, but there’s a clear wish to protect yourself from her, right?”-

Yes, great progress in not feeling pity/ empathy.. that love for her. As to wishing to protect myself from her.. It’s that she/ Gmork reached deep within my skin long ago, and the body-mind still needs to peel that infection off of me.

“In the past, you felt helpless: even if you weren’t physically helpless, you were psychologically ‘bound’, so to speak, constricted by your fear of causing her harm and losing her, and also for fear of being seen as a bad, ungrateful daughter. You felt helpless because she conditioned you to feel helpless, and you believed her.

“But now it’s time to take a stand for yourself, to free yourself from being at her disposal, both physically and mentally. As you used to say: she was ‘helping’ herself to you – whatever she needed, she took. But now it’s time to stop that. She cannot take whatever she wants from you: you now have the will and determination (and mental clarity) to say NO. To say STOP.”-

She was a rapist.

“And I agree: There was no Mother in Monster 🖤, two M words.

“She might have been someone who provided food and shelter (and toys) for you, and who sent you to school. But other than that, she was your torturer – someone who absolutely didn’t care about your needs and what’s good for you, but only about satisfying her own sick urges, I’m afraid.

“I’m sorry, Anita, that you had to go through such an ordeal as a child and youth. She did try to enslave you and take away your agency completely.”-

Yes.

“I’m glad that I can be there to support you and validate your experience, and help you start extracting yourself from her grip. Slowly, gradually, gently, but still, doing it, slowly walking towards freedom. ❤️ You can do it, Anita, I am rooting for you!!”-

Although it might happen, I never want to lose your support, Tee. This is real.

I want to remove her from under my skin, that unrelenting fungus.

I am experiencing these very days a purging (is that the word?), a removing of Gmork from the depths of my soul- because of you!!! (too emotional to retrieve emojis).

It’s amazing, a whole lifetime of unnecessary suffering.

.. I keep thinking there’s something I forgot about this whole nightmare, this excruciatingly lonely nightmare (now past.. right?)

What am I not remembering?

Gmork’s eyes, Gmork’s viciousness, that cruel growl.. Those dark, soulless eyes.

No, no more love for cruel, no more reaching out to cruel.

❤️ 🫶 ❤️ to you, Tee.. to you!

Anita

Dear Tee:

Thank you so much for another.. beautifully intelligent, incredibly insightful message, I appreciate it a whole lot. I read it first thing in the morning but felt too anxious then and still now in regard to my work here, in this accelerated rate.

“But don’t rush with it”, you advised right above.. so, I won’t. I think I’ll reply in the evening or by tomorrow.

As to “I’m a bit surprised that you even managed to leave her and move far away from her, to the other part of the world. And alone, right? It means you still had some agency left in you… If you’d care to share more about how that came about, please do so (but only if it’s not uncomfortable to talk about).”-

I feel comfortable sharing with you, Tee ❤️

So, I suppose I had enough agency to work for 9 months or so, part time, buy an airline ticket, place myself on a plane and fly to a new land. The idea to fly to the U.S. came following me watching the movie The Never Ending Story (1984) about a boy warrior who went on a mission to save the land of Fantasia from the evil power of The Nothing. He went to the mission by himself, with no weapons, no guarantees and had to overcome many things on his way, like his horse succumbing to despair and drowning in The Swamp of Sadness.. and going through gates that can see into his heart.

The movie inspired me more than I can say, I watched it many times.

People often comment about me being courageous in regard to flying to the U.S. on my own and without much money and having no job or anything planned, but my answer to that this compliment is undeserved. It was way, way easier to fly away than to stay. It was simply, or complicatedly, so very painful to be in her company. The U.S was EASY in comparison. I did what was much, much easier.

Oh, and in regard to guilt, the mother always wanted to live in the U.S., so in my mind, I was going to make it happen for her.. somehow.. Somehow.

But not much agency followed the flight itself and dysfunction was evident from the very beginning of the troubled journey. Following a couple of months of as-happy-as-I-ever-was (NYC).. a dream-come-true.. things happened and I sunk into The Swamp of Sadness and Despair.

More later.

❤️ 🫶 ❤️ Anita

Anita

This is the first time above, that I ever referred to myself as “Ima Anita”, meaning, Mother-Anita, and it came about spontaneously that I said it.. Ima Anita.

I so want to leave behind the S.H.A.M.E and I can!

To leave behind all that unbearable, deep-reaching, stinging, burning.. excruciating shame.

It was too scary to fully acknowledge it back then. But now, I see it like it is.. When she said to me, these exact words: “I will MURDER you” Tell me that’s a MOTHER..?

Actually, MOTHER and MURDER are two 6-letter M words.. Am I counting it right?

Yes, I just recounted So, yes, 2 synonyms- for me. (A moment)

It’s something else.. to recover- not from a flawed, imperfect mother- but from a.. Murderous Mother. (MM..?)

The trauma is caught in my muscles, the tics, every minute, every day.

I so want to heal/ recover from this. This is why I am trying to make it as clear as possible this Sun night, typing as I think, as I feel: whatever comes to mind (red wine involved):

LGA (back then): Help me! Help me! Someone help me!!! S O M E O N E H.E.L.P me.. Help me..?

(Silence) H E L P (Silence)

The body/ mind shrinks, as small as possible.. Less of me = Less to be hurt.

Less of me to ne alive = less of me to die.

Going through life absently.. no me= nothing to be Hurt- dissociation, fragmentation.

Here, tonight, I am re-associating, re-integrating.

It’s not an intellectual, rational process alone.

It’s.. (whatever comes to mind)-

I want to rid myself of monster’s black eyes and mean smile.. 👺 🖤

There was no Mother in Monster 🖤, two M words.

No shame belongs to me. Was a lie.

A monster’s lie.

My body, right now, not shameful.

Shame back to her 🖤, not mine!

Body okay, stomach, intestines, all else.. just a body, a human body, nothing unique to me… Just an animal-human body, nothing I personally chose.. something I was born into.

Tired, tired of SHAME.

No more shame 4 me.