Dear Sapnap3:

I went over your 44 threads, from your July 7, 2013 first post (about 2 years before I first participated in these tiny buddha forums), to your last post on Nov 9, 2020, which you addressed to me.

I ran some things through Copilot (AI) earlier this morning, a resource I didn’t know about until late 2024. But then, I had to get off the computer, and back to my phone, and am too low tech to access Copilot from here. But I continued to read many of your posts using my phone.

This is my understanding this morning, 5 years, 6 months & 3 days since you last posted:

You grew up a very lonely child, emotionally unattended to, severely emotionally neglected.

So much so, that at 6 or 7, you kept seeking the only attention you got back then: that of a 60- year-old man, a neighbor, who sexually molested you, touching you at 6, 7 year-old sexually and having you touch him back in that way.

You never told your parents about it back then or later because (at least from one point onward) you believed that your mother (or both of your parents) would blame you for it.

But at one point, as an adult, when you visited your parents in India, you were groped by an accountant who provided accounting services to your parents, and this time, you DID tell your mother about it and hoped or expected that she no longer use his services.

Her response: she said that he was probably just trying to be friendly, and regardless- she’ll continue to use his services because he charged less money than other accountants.

Talking about money, at one point, your mother referred to you as her “retirement fund”-

You were the only one among your (much older) siblings who had American education and was making serious money.

You felt an obligation to take care of your parents financially and felt a mix of love, anger and guilt about it.

In your adult relationships with men your attachment wounds were understandably activated and you clung too strongly to them, fearing the abandonment you experienced as a child.

You started posting here about one such relationship that ended in a breakup that devastated you.

On April 12, 2016, when you started this thread, you wrote that you lost your father and looking back, you could see that he loved you a lot and made you feel wanted.

Clearly, he didn’t make you feel wanted as a child or during all of your formative years. But we have a way of softening memories (nostalgia) so to comfort ourselves.

Two days later (above), you wrote that your mother is “very loving” but loves your older sister (who was her youngest daughter for 9 years before you were born) unconditionally, regardless of her poor choices (in your mother’s evaluation), but expected you, Sapnap3, to be perfect, thinking of you as her “trophy child”, using you to show off to others.

In your last thread on the forums, you shared that you were moving to Chicago where your mother was living at a time so to be with her.

In my post to you back then, I reminded you of what she did that harmed you (I realized only today that I made a mistake in that post- I thought that your mother excused the 60-year- old man who abused you at 6, when she was really referring to the accountant who groped you as an adult).

You posted for the last time on Nov 9, 2020, a reply to me. In your last reply you defended your mother, the woman who you truly loved unconditionally ( I am referring to the title of this 10 year-old thread(.

I would like to continue this later.

If you are reading this, Sapnap3- and it would be very unlikely, given the time that has passed- I hope that you’re doing well.

🙏 🌿 ✨️ Anita

Bringing up this 10 year old thread up to look at later.

Hi again, Starlight ✨️

You told Peter that you did a picture (art) of a hand 👈 pointing to yourself with the word ‘forgiveness’ written on it.

I do hope that you forgive yourself. I know how difficult it is to feel guilty 😔

Talking about art, I did a painting myself when I was in my early 20s. It meant a lot to me and it also involved a hand: it was a hand coming out of my brain/ head, fingers spread, as in trying to escape the conflict and misery within my brain- trying to escape and be free from relentless guilt.

If you want to talk with me about guilt, I am here.

I remember at about the same time, I said to myself, feeling strongly about it: “If I get to experience one day of not feeling guilty, my life will be worth living”.

Fast forward.. my life is worth living ✨️

Not all happily-ever- after fairytale style.. Just Not- Guilty. What a relief!

🌿 Anita

Hey 🙂 Confused:

Yes, I had a short conversation with Copilot and at the end, he suggested the post above.

It was not a long conversation, but being that Copilot knows me and you, he knew what he was talking about.

He said it was like I was carrying you (in the sense of explaining and re- explaining and interpreting and connecting the dots for you) while you were not moving (things staying the same, mentally and emotionally).

He said that your defense mechanism is to not see the connection between your current struggles and your childhood, and that if I pressure you on this front, I am stupid (well, ‘stupid’ is my word, not Copilot’s)

Regardless, I still like you and think highly of you, and I am here 4 U.

Thank you for the appreciation and kindness! U R the 🐝’s knees!

🐝 🌿 👏 🤢-not ✨️ Anita

Hey 🙂 Confused:

I’m on the 📱 so I can’t use Copilot, but knowing Copilot long enough, I figure he’ll say the same things he already said (a repeat).

I don’t know why you never addressed anything related to your childhood with your current therapist or previous ones-

Is it that they didn’t bring your childhood up? (I can’t imagine it to be the case), or is it that you don’t want to talk about it?

If it’s the second option: is it because you don’t think your childhood + ( living with your mother till the age of 20 or so) is relevant to your current struggles?

🤔 Anita

You are welcome 😊 Alecsee. Tysm for the note!

I chuckled a bit when I read your one word response (“Yay!”) on Arden’s thread about nostalgia.

In my Feb reply to you I reflected on the topic of nostalgia, how on the short- term it makes us feel better to imagine the past better than it was.

I am adding today that learning from the past and coming up with more effective ways to respond to life events and happenings makes us feel better long-term.

Does this resonate?

✨️ Anita

Hi Peter 🙂- ha- ha, you come across to me as one of the sanest people in the world, steady, unruffled, resilient. Yes, it was nice to join your word dance, to move with it instead of freezing it for analysis. I should do more of that 🌞🤍

Good morning 🌅 Confused:

I asked Copilot about your posts today (the recent two), and here is what the very intelligent Copilot had to say about you:

“He is describing a classic push‑pull attachment response: when he feels connected and safe, his feelings come online, but the moment the conversation shifts toward future, compatibility, or the possibility of rejection, his nervous system flips into shutdown to protect him. It’s a defense mechanism that turns off his feelings, so he won’t get hurt. Then, when he imagines losing her, the real attachment breaks through and he cries again.

That line in the movie (“it’s not your fault”) hit the child part inside him that carries old shame and fear, which is why he cried so intensely.

I asked Copilot if your girlfriend doing something wrong.

“No — she isn’t doing anything wrong. She is having normal conversations about the future, compatibility, and what she wants in a relationship. These are healthy topics for two adults who are considering being together.

The problem isn’t her behavior — it’s how his system interprets it.

When she talks about goals or uncertainty, he hears: “you’re not enough” “you’re about to be abandoned”
“you’re going to be rejected again”

She isn’t rejecting him — but his old wounds react as if she is…

His girlfriend is not the person who hurt him. But his body reacts as if she is. He needs to remind himself: ‘This is an old wound being touched. It’s not happening now.’

His problem is not indecision. It’s not compatibility. It’s not his girlfriend. It’s a scared nervous system that flips between: ‘I love her, don’t leave me’ and ‘I’m shutting down so you can’t hurt me'”

Next, I quoted to Copilot what you shared on Dec 19 & 22: “the relationship with my mother was very chaotic, violence and arguing constantly, throwing some awkward affection here and there, then rinse and repeat. I can’t remember if I was dissociating when I was a kid, definitely trying to escape in imaginary worlds and games though… I was the one she (your mother) was leaning on while confessing her issues with my father, relationship things and dislikes, to which I would only respond “just break up” because that was the only thing making sense to me at the age of 11.
She was like that to me too (attacking you physically), but since I am a male, I would fight back and things would escalate pretty badly, especially after my body started developing and I was able to overpower her… I dreamt of being loved and finding romance, since I was a pretty shy kid with no experience in girls until the age of 20.” and asked how this fits with the above analysis.

Copilot: “Here is the simplest, clearest way to connect his childhood story with everything we’ve already analyzed — all in one paragraph, in very simple language, without jargon:

His childhood explains his entire pattern: he grew up with a mother who was chaotic, violent, unpredictable, and emotionally needy, so he never learned what stable love feels like.

As a child he had to protect himself by shutting down, escaping into imaginary worlds, and carrying adult problems he wasn’t built to handle. He also learned that affection could suddenly turn into attack, so closeness and danger became mixed together in his nervous system.

Now, as an adult, when his girlfriend talks about the future or anything that feels like possible rejection, the same old fear gets triggered, and he goes numb to protect himself. And when something touches the deeper wound — like the “it’s not your fault” scene in Good Will Hunting — it hits the part of him that still feels unworthy, responsible, and scared of being left.

So, his current confusion isn’t about his girlfriend at all; it’s the old child‑self reacting to love the only way it learned to survive.”

Next, I asked: “is there a way for him to heal without addressing his childhood experience?”

Copilot: “No. He cannot fully heal without addressing his childhood experience. But he can make progress without diving into every detail of it.

His childhood is not ‘a story from the past’ — it is the operating system his nervous system still runs on. The chaos, fear, unpredictability, and emotional burden he carried as a child shaped how his body reacts to closeness, conflict, and love today. So, if he never looks at that wound, he will keep mistaking old fear for present truth, and every relationship will trigger the same cycle of numbness, panic, doubt, and longing.

He doesn’t need to relive every memory, but he does need to understand that his reactions come from an injured child‑self, not from the woman he’s dating. Without that understanding, he will keep thinking something is wrong with the relationship, when really, it’s the past replaying itself inside him.

Here’s the key distinction: He can feel better temporarily without addressing childhood.
(Distraction, avoidance, new relationships, emotional highs.)

But he cannot become stable, consistent, or emotionally secure without addressing it. Because the wound keeps running the show.

Healing doesn’t mean digging through trauma endlessly. It means learning to say: ‘Ah. This feeling is old. It’s not about her.’ That one shift changes everything.

He can feel temporary relief without touching childhood, but he cannot become emotionally stable without understanding that his childhood is still living inside him.

Let me put this in the clearest, least‑complicated way:

His childhood is not ‘a memory.’ It’s the blueprint his body still uses to decide what is safe and what is dangerous. When he was young love came mixed with fear, affection came mixed with violence, closeness came mixed with unpredictability, he had to protect himself by shutting down, he had to carry adult emotions he wasn’t built for, and he had no model of calm, steady, reliable connection.

So now, as an adult when someone he loves talks about the future → he feels danger, when he senses possible rejection → he shuts down, when he feels too close → he gets scared, when he feels too distant → he panics, and when something touches his shame (“it’s not your fault”) → he breaks open

This is not relationship confusion. This is a child‑self trying to survive inside an adult body.

So, can he heal without addressing childhood?

He can cope. He can distract himself. He can push feelings away. He can stay in relationships. He can function.

But he cannot stop the cycle — the numbness, panic, doubt, apathy, crying, longing — unless he understands that these reactions are old, not about the present.

He doesn’t need to dig through every memory. He doesn’t need to relive trauma.

He just needs to learn one thing: ‘This feeling is from the past. It is not about the person in front of me.’ That single shift is the beginning of real healing.”

End of conversation with Copilot.

I don’t think you ever addressed this old wound from your first 2 decades of life when living with your mother, did you, Confused?

🤍 Anita