Forum Replies Created
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AuthorPosts
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anitaParticipantYou are a good person, Shandrea, and asking for help- in an honest and straightforward way- is a good thing!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Shandrea:
“I was never called a hero before this website“- it was about time then, that someone would spell out the truth!
“Maybe I do have a disability. I still want to accomplish my goals of paying my bills and being able to afford activities. I am stressed a lot. But I have accomplished so much, if I do have a disability I can still do it“- (1) ongoing stress is indeed disabling, temporarily or permanently. We are less likely to think rationally and act effectively when under the influence of heightened stress, (2) all of us humans are disabled to one extent or another, in some way or another, some more acutely and noticeably than others, (3) I very much like your attitude, and yes, you have accomplished so much already, and you can accomplish more!
“I didn’t know you had a learning disability /ADD, I do not look for flaws in others, I have flaws of my own“- thank you for trying to make me feel better about my learning disabilities and ADD. At this point, I don’t feel badly (shame or guilt) for these, only empathy for myself. I think of these as Facts, not Faults.
Without the ongoing crushing stress involved in feeling shame and guilt, I function better.
“A while back did you say you were a teacher? What grade did you teach? With the learning disability how did you become a teacher?“- middle and high schools. When I was a student, I remember that I wasn’t able to follow one professor’s lectures at all because she talked too fast and not in an organized way. To pass her tests, I copied information from the textbook assigned to her course, re-organize it, and then re-organize it again, and again, until I was able to understand it. Shortly after the test, I ‘d forget almost everything. Another teacher’s lectures were slow and organized, and I was able to take notes while she lectured. But regardless, I’d forget almost everything I memorized after the tests.
As a full-time teacher (for a couple years only), I taught in a school were most students spoke very little English, so my little knowledge on the subject matter was not challenged. I prepared for a lesson by reading and studying a chapter from the textbook, then taught it the next day (I was good at simplifying the subject-matter and presenting it in an organized way), then read the next chapter, and teach that the day after, etc.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Krish:
You shared that right from the beginning of your arranged marriage, he (your now ex) withheld intimacy from you, and he perpetrated domestic violence on you, including an attack with a knife, as well as, as you phrased it, too much emotional abuse. Neither his parents (your ex-in-laws), who you refer to as being of a selfish kind (I like how you phrase things), nor his aunt, who you refer to as a good human being, supported you during the marriage, throughout your suffering.
Nor did they support you, if I understand correctly, during the separation from your ex (10 years ago), or during the divorce (5 years ago): “I didn’t claim compensation or alimony or property and let him go and didn’t file a domestic violence case against him. I didn’t have the energy to cope with a divorce case and want to steer clear of toxicity and hence signed a mutual consent“- neither his parents nor his aunt were there for you to advocate for your rights: to file a domestic violence case against him, and to claim alimony and your share of property.
They knew (including his aunt) that you were living in a foreign country, away from your blood relatives (as I understand it), and yet, they did not support you throughout the marriage. And they didn’t support you during the separation and divorce, at least not in terms of advocating for your rights.
“I told my ex extended in laws to not contact me anymore as it reminds of the past and I got diagnosed with ptsd and this mental health issue is preventing me from getting healed and getting remarried“- for a person suffering from PTSD, having no contact with the perpetrator of violence, physical and emotional violence, as well with the people who knew of the violence, and yet actively or passively (by remaining quiet) supported the perpetrator, makes sense. It is definitely your right, and.. it’s the right thing to do, for your healing.
In regard to his aunt, you asked: “Is it okay if I block one of my extended friends and family (who were good to me) as I don’t trust them and I get reminded of my toxic past. I feel they are interacting with me to know what is happening in my life and conveying it to their family members.. I don’t want more issues in my life and want to lead my life peacefully. Should I block them and am I reasonable to do so?… (She) is keeping in touch with me constantly. I know she is a good human being but still didn’t support when I was suffering and I want a clean cut for good. Should I block her“?-
– Yes! She may be a good human being in some ways, but a truly good person does not passively support a perpetrator of violence against an innocent victim.
She may have supported the perpetrator (your ex) actively during the separation and divorce by gathering information from you and passing it on to him, so to promote a no legal consequences for his violence, as well as a no-cost divorce, for him. She has been keeping in touch with you constantly, perhaps because her past role of promoting her nephew’s interests made her feel powerful, so she keeps her role going (the information gatherer). I would definitely stay away from her, if I was you: no contact of any kind!
Appearances (ex., appearing like a good person) can be deceiving.
I am sorry that you had such a terrible marriage, if it can be called a marriage (if there was no physical intimacy, it could be annulled/ made void, in some places in the world).
I see that you posted a reply to another member on July 26 (more than 1.5 months ago), an excellent reply, where you advised the member to: “Consult a suitable psychologist to help cope with your divorce and don’t do dating to seek support from women there. They are not trained psychologists. If you go for a divorce, finalise your divorce, heal from the divorce, self reflect about your past relationship failure, work on yourself and go for dating… This is a forum for support and we intend good outcomes for you. All the best.“- I wish you, Krish, healing from your marriage and divorce, and that once you healed enough, if you want a love marriage for yourself, that you find a suitable partner so to make it happen.
I hope to read more from you, here on your thread, and in others’ threads, as a responder (if you would like that, of course).
anita
anitaParticipantDear Shandrea: I will reply in about 11 hours from now.
anita
anitaParticipantDear William Shen:
“A few months ago I found a cute and nice girl to date. We’ve been together for 5 months now, but I just find her boring“- it may be helpful to explore the boring aspect.
On Jan 26, 2023, you shared: “I recently went out on a date with a girl and I thought it went wonderfully. We laughed and had great banter the entire time and our personalities were very similar“- that date was not at all boring for you. Did you have such wonderfully dates with your current girlfriend, at the beginning of the relationship, perhaps?
You wrote in your old thread regarding the one-date: “it’s not common for me to find someone in compatible with“- would you like to elaborate on this sentence?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Klast:
“He said I’ve spent my whole life wrestling with an invisible disability… My natural intelligence meant I was really good at masking my disability, all the way till my 50s. The imposter syndrome I mentioned before. So I’ve lived my whole life in a grey area, between appearing not disabled enough to get recognition and not being able enough to fully participate in society. Unable to engage in playing the game of life you could say“-
– I somewhat relate. It so happens that I submitted a post half an hour ago in a thread called I want to feel accomplished, before I entered your thread, and it happens to be relevant to the topic here; you can read it, if you’d like. Without using the correct medical terminology, I’d say that I suffered brain damage early on, a damage that expresses itself in learning disabilities, ADD, and Tourette Syndrome (tics) ever since I was five or six. Some needed connections between brain cells/ neuropathways were not made.
I too lived my whole life in a grey area, between appearing not disabled enough to get recognition (the visible and audible motor and vocal tics were not attended to/ did not get recognition by teachers and doctors, so no help, and because I studied so many, many hours, I got okay grades in school, so no help with learning disabilities either), and not being able enough to fully participate in society (my social life was terrible, my work history and satisfaction were poor, and I was ..unhappy, to put it mildly).
“I feel a huge relief at realising I have an invisible disability that isn’t obvious to others, I thought I was just someone severely down on my luck due to ‘fate’. Now I have a chance to get myself unstuck and try to move on“- It feels good to read this!
“Generally speaking: CPTSD is rolling life long traumas. PTSD is discrete traumatising events, like what first responders, soldiers victims of crime etc.“- soldiers spend a limited time on a battlefield (the setting where they experience trauma), a crime victim is a limited-time victim of trauma occurring at a crime scene. I was.. an unlimited-time victim, of multiple settings, multiple crime scenes, so to speak, all perpetrated by my mother (hence I would fit the CPTSD diagnosis, if it was available in the U.S., where I live.. and if there was a reason for me to pursue it).
“Some people need a label to feel better about themselves. It is similar to the concept of god, someone who people can pass their self responsibility…“- the labels can be helpful in that a person feels no longer alone (as in thinking there are other people like me), and when it comes to psychotherapy, an official label aka an official diagnosis is a starting point (for a responsible psychotherapist) in the design of a therapy plan to fit the particular patient (similar to physical medicine).
“CPTSD is the first mental health diagnosis I have ever been labelled with… Like a snowball effect. My invisible disability was the seed trauma. The resulting social isolation led to child-abuse, then the abuse led to distrust of society, which reinforced the social isolation, etc.“- I relate. The image I used to have in regard to the expansion of my mental and emotional troubles through my childhood, into and through adulthood (maybe because I didn’t grow up with snow) was mud rolling down a hill, gathering more and more mud as it rolls down, becoming bigger and bigger.
“Hope you’re keeping well“- thank you! And yes, I am way, way better than I used to be.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Shandrea:
Congratulations for starting a new thread. The quotes below include the new thread.
“Anita I am really doing my best“- I know, and for that, you are amazing!
“I don’t ask anyone for anything… I am here for support I don’t think I received much growing up but now that I’m a parent I know It’s ok to ask for help“- doing your best includes asking for help and support when you need it.
“It is hard for me to communicate with my relatives, they don’t understand me… Can I come here and share my challenges with you until I find a job that works for me and my kid“- of course you can come here and share your challenged: anytime!
“I been applying for work from home jobs it’s either I’m not qualified or I don’t have the equipment. I am here for support“- I read Helcat’s valuable reply on your new thread and I believe that I wouldn’t be able to do a go-fund-me, to study online for a job, or to work from home using a computer because of my technical/ computer illiteracy (beyond the very simple use here), and resistance to try to learn because of my lifelong learning disabilities/ ADD. I don’t think that I am able to learn to use the computer in elaborate ways.
I don’t even know what equipment means in “it’s either I’m not qualified or I don’t have the equipment“. I can hardly use my phone to make calls (I am not kidding, sometimes I can’t). And so, I am not able to advise you on anything technical/ computer-related.
* My learning disabilities are the reason why every so often, the meaning of a word I read and used hundreds of times eludes me, it becomes vague, meaningless, and so, I have to google it. You shared before that you google everything: I wonder why you do..?
I am not replying in your new thread because I am hoping that you will communicate there with Helcat, and maybe with others, regarding technical/ computer things that I don’t understand.
anita
anitaParticipantDear William Shen:
Back sooner than I thought I’d be. “She’s a very nice girl, loyal, smart and caring“- and you don’t yet know that.. caring is everything.
“it’s gotten to the point where I’m overcome with guilt. I feel like I’m dragging her on and that it would be better to let things go rather than keep her in a relationship I know is going nowhere.“- yes, better let her go, so that she gets to have someone else to appreciate her, and so that you can be with someone you appreciate,
anita
anitaParticipantDear Willian Shen:
Welcome back to the forums! I will reply further Fri morning (it is Thurs night here).
anita
anitaParticipant* Dear Heather: you are welcome, Heather, and if you would like to start your own thread, please do, and we will talk there.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
You are welcome. I am sorry that it hurts, and I do hope that you make it!!! Love and best wishes to you, Helcat!
anita
anitaParticipantDear birds of a feather:
You shared that this very busy distant friend, formerly a close friend, still lives in the same city as you, but is no longer in the same workplace or social circle as you. Lately, you’ve been reaching out to him but he doesn’t reach out to you. When the two of you communicate by text messages, it “stays at superficial level“, and he doesn’t seem to be curious about your life, no longer wanting you to talk about how you are doing. He wanted to meet with you and catch up in 2-3 months, but most recently, he said that “he would take down the catchup and will just follow up in two months“.
“I know it all sounds good and polite but I wanted my friend back – the friend who would say more than that and talk to me… Maybe our attachment styles are not matching?…I am not getting why he couldn’t find time to connect through a call or a catchup even.. It would be great to become friends again down the road though – is that possible?“-
– you chose birds of a feather as your screen name. Online definition: “people who have similar interests, ideas, or characteristics tend to seek out or associate with one another”. I am thinking that unless you too have a history of being a close friend and then voiding the friendship without an explanation, then the two of you are not birds of a feather.
You chose Attachment as the title of your thread: clearly you are emotionally attached to him, and I am sorry to say, seems like he is not attached to you to any significant extent. Therefore you’ve been feeling hurt, understandably. Maybe your attachment style is the anxious type and his is the avoidant or ambivalent type.
I am wondering, when you say that you were close friends, do you mean that he shared with you private details about his life, his innermost thoughts and feelings? Also, was there any conflict between the two of you before him distancing from you?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Liz:
You are very welcome. “I felt so seen when I read this“- you need to continue to be seen: to see deeper within you and to be seen by others.
“I have a lot of trauma, that I am healing from, so it definitely ties into that. I feel like my inner child is anxious and scared that something will go wrong.“- the child part of Liz has been (emotionally) injured and hurt. Sometimes she feels better, sometimes worse. When she feels better, she’s afraid something will go wrong, doesn’t she?
This is how I felt when I was feeling better, that something bad is about to happen. Because bad things did happen when I was feeling good, trusting and care free. I don’t remember ever feeling trusting and care-free, but I am sure at one point, early on, I did. And what a surprise, a shockingly unpleasant surprise, it was when something bad happened that I didn’t expect: someone I fully trusted turning against me, and viciously. So, I learned to expect bad things to happen so to not be shockingly surprised when they happen.
Back to you, re-reading your original post, good things have been happening in the last 10 months: “It is the most healthiest relationship I have ever been him and I love him very dearly. When we first got together, how he treated me was incredibly alien to me (all previous relationships were incredibly toxic and I never felt wanted, dealt with a lot of rejection)… I had never been treated so well before, and he now is honestly my home and my safe space“-
– good things indeed. But the child within (inner child) doesn’t trust good things to last. She is anxious and scared that something will go wrong. Thing is, the traumatized inner child does not know past from future or present. Everything is NOW. Children don’t have the sense of time that adults do. The adult part of you knows that the event happened in the past, but the child part of you does not distinguish past from present.
The event: “when me and my partner were in the early stages (10 days into our relationship). I was out, and incredibly intoxicated. A past person that I dated (it was never serious) was at the same place as me and he flirted, and I kind of reciprocated at the time. I also put my hand on his leg… He then gave me a lift back to my place, he dropped me off and I got out of the car“- one isolated event TEN MONTHS AGO, intoxicated flirting that culminated in you placing your hand on his leg.
Your emotional response ten months later: “I am deeply filled with regret, as I love my current partner so much. I will never ever ever do it again“- this is your inner child saying, begging perhaps: I am sorry, please forgive me, please don’t punish me! I will never, ever, ever do it again! Reads to me that she is afraid to be punished, once again, for something bad that she’s supposedly done.
“one (intrusive thought) has decided to latch on to a past mistake I made when me and my partner were in the early stages…“- your inner child is hyper alert to any possible mistakes she has made that will be followed by punishment. When you were a child, you were severely punished for small or non-mistakes?
I was, and I figured I’m a bad person for making such horrible mistakes that match the severity of the punishment. My OCD- brain kept scanning for mistakes I made, so to prepare for punishment= for bad things to happen.
“I don’t think telling him would help the situation, it may provide me relief by being honest, but I feel like it will only make him feel worse“- I agree.
“I just need some advice and guidance on how to let go. I know this was in the past and was in the early stages of our relationship. I also know I have grown into a different person now… I just would love to live in the moment and focus on the future of my relationship with him, instead of being filled with regret“- the adult part of you knows it was in the past, but whenever the inner child is obsessing, she is living in the traumatic past=present.
To let go of the obsessions, of the trouble within, your inner child needs more of this: “I felt so seen“: she needs to be seen more, to be seen and approved of, to be treated with empathy and patience, to not be punished again (by you or others). She needs you to take her side al the way. This is what worked for me, and what keeps working.
Please let me know what you think of what I wrote here.
anita
anitaParticipantDear birds of a feather: I will reply in a few hours.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Liz: I will be away from the computer for a few hours and reply when I am back.
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 