Tee, I hear your pain and your perspective. What I won’t accept is the reframing of my boundaries and truth-telling as manipulation or favoritism. I’ve named harm with clarity, offered repair where I saw fit, and refused to collapse into emotional labor for those who bypass accountability. That’s not a lack of empathy—it’s emotional sovereignty.

I won’t engage in a dynamic where my refusal to self-indict is cast as villainy, nor will I accept comparisons that pathologize my boundaries. If this space feels unsafe to you because I won’t perform care on demand, then perhaps what’s needed is not less truth—but more capacity to hold it.

Anita

Of course it’s okay for you to share what you learned, Alessa ❤️

Dear Dafne: Yes, we are walking side by side, learning and growing together, and it is indeed something really special. Let’s keep 🚶‍♀️🚶‍♂️, Dafne!

With love and tender affection💓 back to you-

Anita

Dear Eva:

Thank you for sharing so openly. Your words carry so much clarity, even in the pain.

When someone grows up in an environment where love is conditional, control is constant, and anger is unpredictable, the nervous system learns to stay on high alert. So when your father tries to hug you now, and your body wants to pull away, that’s your body saying: “I remember what this meant before. I don’t feel safe.”

Physical reactions like disgust, tension, or the urge to flee are often signs of stored trauma. Especially when the person who caused harm also claims closeness. It creates a split—your mind might say “he’s trying to be kind”, but your body says “this feels wrong.”

I remember my mother holding my hand affectionately during a taxi ride to the airport. I was about to fly to the U.S., and she was staying behind. I felt too guilty to pull my hand away—how could I, when we were about to part for so long? But the entire ride, her hand in mine felt like quiet torture.

She held it gently, lovingly. But my body remembered more than that. That same hand had hit me many times. And even though her touch was soft in that moment, my body didn’t feel safe. It wanted to run. It remembered what my mind was trying to forget.

That was decades ago, and I still remember it clearly. Not because of the goodbye—but because of the conflict between what looked like love and what felt like fear.

Back to you, Eva- you also named something powerful: the perfectionism that helped you survive is now exhausting you. That’s common for people who grew up needing to perform for safety. You were praised for achievements, not for simply being. And now, at 27, your body is asking for something different—not more awards, but rest. Not more control, but freedom.

Living with your parents while trying to heal is incredibly hard—you’re in a space that keeps triggering old wounds. That’s why everything feels gray and stuck.

You don’t have to fix everything at once. You can start by honoring your reactions, trusting your body, and giving yourself permission to feel what you feel—even if it’s anger, disgust, or grief.

You’re not alone in this. And you’re not wrong for needing space.

With care, Anita

Hello James, Thomas, and Alessa:

James wrote: “The Truth is, there is no free will whatsoever.”- Is that because No self = no free will?

I agree with Alessa that it’s both. We are shaped—deeply—by our environment, especially early on. But at some point, we may begin to make choices that are more thoughtful, less reactive. Choices that reflect awareness, not just conditioning. Moment where we pause, reflect, and choose differently than we were taught or triggered to.

Thomas wrote: “So, from this I take it as there is real evil in the world. There are some who get joy or reward from hurting others.”- I agree.

And continued: “This doesn’t come from their environment. That is the way they are.”- I think it’s not one or the other. I think it’s both.

I want to sit with this more. It’s a rich question—what drives us, and when do we truly choose?

Anita

Hello Everyone:

In her original post, Jana wrote: “I need to deal with my emotions in a more responsible and healthy way.”-

Me too. In intense conflict with a person—or when I feel intense emotions toward someone, whether fear, anger, or hurt—I just want to disappear, to never talk to or see the person again. As a result of this very thread, I am learning to stay during conflict, stay with my emotions, and not run away.

I will respond to Tee’s and Alessa’s most recent posts:

Tee: “You do realize that you listed me and Alessa as people who abused you, similarly like your mother did? (‘people who continue my mother’s work of invalidation and judgment’)”-

I don’t remember if I had you and/or Alessa in mind when I wrote that sentence (I wrote so much in my stream-of-consciousness posts…), but right now, this morning—

I would say that in regard to Alessa, she is not at all similar to my mother. I would say that your anger, Tee—the way you go after me, the way you don’t let go, while having absolutely no empathy for me—does remind me of my mother.

During this whole conflict, Alessa repeatedly expressed empathy for me. But you, Tee—nothing. Only anger, outrage.

Following my return to this thread yesterday, the first time I addressed the conflict, Peter expressed goodwill: “We all come from the same place: wanting to help and wanting to be seen. I hope we can continue our dialogue from that space… In a World where you can be anything, Be Kind.”

So did Jana: “I’ll let you explain the conflict to each other… I just needed to remind us… we all need the same, love, feeling of security, understanding.”

And so did Alessa: “I appreciate the gesture of goodwill that you are trying to soften things with some positivity… I appreciate that you have done your best to talk about these things despite it being difficult for you. I appreciate you being respectful and understanding. I can see that you are trying your best.”

But no empathy and no goodwill from you, Tee—only accusation, repeated accusation. Not even once did you give me any credit for returning to this thread and addressing the conflict as best I can.

And since my return, you did not take into consideration anything I posted—not a single thing. You simply kept repeating the same accusations, keeping the same outrage. As if I didn’t say anything of value.

It feels like you’re locked in a battle mindset, Tee—focused on winning, not understanding.

I wouldn’t be surprised if parts of the above are quoted and used to repeat or escalate accusations. That’s your choice, Tee.

Alessa: “I’m sorry to hear that you felt unsafe, overwhelmed and unable to process it at the time. Why did you feel that way?”- I was afraid of being bullied—like the participants in this thread ganging up against me. I felt it’d be like volunteering to enter a lion’s den.

“I felt very uncomfortable about the exchange between yourself and Tee.”- I feel uncomfortable about it too. I have to force myself to read her words because I expect the same or escalated accusations, and no goodwill.

“I really didn’t mean to make you feel like you were the problem.”- Thank you, Alessa.

Closing thoughts for this post: I think that I understand what’s driving your anger, Tee and I believe that you believe that you are Right and I am Wrong, and there’ll be no peace unless I admit that (according to you), I am Wrong.

While I was not perfect during this whole conflict (I never am, lol), I was not wrong- not in regard to you.

I was wrong in regard to Alessa and Jana.. and Peter. I was judgmental, I realize now, looking back.. I interpreted some of your imperfections through a lens of judgment, rather than understanding. That showed itself in my silence, if not otherwise. I regret that.

I understand more now, and I’m choosing peace—for myself and for this space.

Anita

Dear Calm Moon,

Leaving a job that drained you—physically, emotionally, and energetically—was not a failure. It was a powerful act of self-protection. The toll it took on your body speaks volumes, and the fact that you’re still showing up, still applying, still dreaming of something better? That’s resilience.

The job opportunity you described sounds aligned with the vision you set for yourself. Even if the outcome isn’t certain yet, the fact that you’re moving toward it with intention matters deeply.

And applying for a Master’s program abroad while managing financial stress? That’s a lot for one nervous system to hold. It makes sense that your mind feels constantly “on.” You’re carrying multiple layers of uncertainty, and still showing up.

So let this be your reminder: You are not behind. You are not failing. You are not lazy. You are doing the hard work of rebuilding with care and discernment.

If it helps, you might anchor yourself with a mantra like: “I am allowed to move slowly. I am allowed to protect my peace. I am allowed to choose what aligns.”

Sending you steadiness and respect as you move through this next chapter. You’re doing beautifully.

Warmly, Anita