Continued:.

What you wrote in the last paragraph: “Even now… I can immediately start thinking about his feelings… whether he’s hurt”-

All I thought about growing up was what my mother felt, how hurt she was. I wasn’t thinking about my feelings because emotionally, I was fused with her.

It took me a long time to understand that who I imagined my mother to be.. was heavily influence by my imaginings, my wishful thinking, my unmet needs.

Anita

Good evening, Nea 🙂

I find our conversations very interesting and glad to have them. I hope that we’re helping each other- as peers, regardless of our age difference.

Particularly when I’m using my phone, like now, I like to scroll up, quote a sentence or a few from your message, share what it brings up for me, then scroll up again and repeat. It helps me think more clearly (undoing many, many years of confusion).

“He clearly can exercise restraint, empathy and consideration in some relationships… I have seen that he is capable of (resteaint, empathy and consideration)”-

I think that he is capable of performing empathy. It’s called Strategic Empathy, or Instrumental Empathy, which is aimed at managing his social image, or promoting his personal interests.

Where’s the Genuine Empathy during years and decades of seeing his wife and his daughters suffer, and yet not caring to change anything about his behaviors so to protect the three of you?

“She has always had much more of a ‘don’t tell me what to do’ personality, and she also went through a very dark period with her mental health when she was younger. I think that some of what happened frightened my parents enough that they became much more cautious about how they approache her. My dad can simply be different with her”-

I don’t know your mother’s emotional motivation. She may have been genuinely concerned about your sister’s mental health.

But when it comes to your father, I imagine that what he was scared of was what a daughter’s visible mental health problems would do to his social image.

That she was able to come up with a ‘don’t tell me what to do’ personality may have developed because she was allowed the freedom to develop it, or to maintain it.

I am guessing that he wasn’t afraid that you, Nea, will make him look bad because you didn’t visible display mental health problems.. ?

At this point, because of what you added in the message I’m responding to, I’m thinking that maybe your father is not dangerous at all because physically and detectably (!) injuring his daughters, his wife, or his son-in-law would make him look bad.

I will continue later.

Anita

Continued:

* I’m adding this after I completed this short message: if the following is too upsetting to you, please feel free to not answer. If our conversation- exploration promotes your Clarity and Calm, that’s a good thing. Please let me know.

“My dad began swearing, calling him names”- what did he say, what names did he call your husband.. humiliating, crushing names?

You mentioned verbal abuse that he directed at you into your adulthood. Did he call you names as well?

I’m asking not to pry but to understand the extent of his cruelty.

* I don’t suppose you or your husband ever called him names or ever heard anyone else call him names to his face?

There’s much more that you shared, but sometimes when there’s so much, we don’t give enough attention to some things as they get swallowed in multitude of details and such.

I forgot the great majority of the humiliating, crushing words my mother used against me but I so clearly remember this one: “You’re One Big Zero!”

Anita

Eva, I’m truly sorry for how much pain you’re carrying. What you’re going through is heavy, and your feelings are real. I want to be honest with you in a caring way: I’m going to step back from offering detailed responses, because I noticed that my messages aren’t really part of the process you’re in right now.

I genuinely wish you clarity, steadiness, and relief from all this hurt. I hope you find a path that brings you peace and a sense of being cared for.

🌿 Anita

Good morning, Nea 🙂

I’ll try to answer my own question (in the message before last) by quoting your words from your last message and thinking out loud:

“His perspective has generally been that he only explodes when other people escalate or provoke him, rather than recognizing that how he responds is ultimately his responsibility”-

So, he doesn’t have to watch for how he behaves because his behavior is someone else’s responsibility.

A child growing up with this attitude is likely to feel responsible for his explosions and become hyper aware of his moods, so to try and prevent future explosions.

This hyper awareness is related to empathy. For example, you may see hurt on his face, feel very sad for him, and rush to make him feel better-before his hurt turns to anger and an explosion.

This dynamic explains the combination of a parent who severely lacks (1) personal responsibility in regard to his explosions, and (2) empathy in regard to how his explosions affect his child/ wife/ others,

And

A child feeling overly responsible for the parent’s explosions, as well as overly empathetic for how the parent feels- so to calm the parent and prevent the next explosion.

In other words, in this dynamics, it’s not a responsible and empathetic parent that produces a responsible and empathetic child.

I’ll continue a bit later.

🌿 Anita

Good morning, Dear Eva 🙂

You thought deeply and you’re clear about what you need from him.

I wonder if he ever gave you just a tiny bit of what you need?

Did he ever tell you anything like:

‘I was mean to you and you didn’t deserve it.’

Or:

‘You were so fair and good to me and I did you wrong.”?

Did you ever notice just a bit of sadness expressed on his face or in his tone of voice when you told him that he had hurt your feelings?

🤔 Anita

Good Thurs night (here), Nea:

Sincerely, you are positively special and unique. It’s difficult to come across people like you in everyday life.

It makes me wonder how a wonderfully insightful, honest, deeply introspective daughter emerges from the parenting you received.

(I will continue this in a little while)

Anita

I hear you, Confused.. 3 🙁s and it wasn’t even 7 am when you submitted this message with 3 sad-s.

“I screwed up so bad… ruined her heart”- no, no, Confused didn’t ruin a heart.

“I think (her parents) were saying she’s difficult in general, as in closed off, distant, etc.”- see, her heart was hurt before she ever met you.

And it’s your heart hurting this Friday Greek morning.

🙁 Anita